Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - Royal Visit - full transcript

During your weekend
here, you will explore ways,

through yoga, breathing,

and other mindful practices,

to reconnect with
yourself and your partner.

Also, for a small donation,

we have an on-site shaman
who can heal your chakras.

Small donation? Sounds
like a "chakra con."

Oh.

You're supposed
to turn that off.

I'm sorry. It's work.
Okay, so is a marriage.

You know, we traveled all
this way. The least you could do



is take this seriously.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Oh, my God, that... that
crappy breakfast was $55.

For flax and berries. Yeah.

I thought this was supposed
to be one fee up front, all in.

I wish you were
all in, Mitchell.

I'm sor... I am.
Starting... now.

Okay? Okay.

That wasn't me.

I have invited the Tibetan
Singing Bowl to ring,

reminding us to all
turn down the volume

and find the beauty in silence.

That was unfortunate.

My apologies. We happen
to be next door to the Royals.



Oh, my God, we just
binged The Crown.

W-W-Which royals?
William and Kate?

Harry and the Suits girl?

Actually, it's the Kansas
City Royals. Spring training,

their practice
field is next door.

Growing up a Royals fan,
it was always my dream

to see them at spring training.

So, I just decided, after
the retreat was over,

I'm just gonna swing by,

you know, grab an autograph,

maybe whisper an opinion
in the manager's ear,

be discovered as a
great baseball mind.

Then the Yankees
would come calling,

and I'd have to choose
between the team I love

and the... the big payout.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Not to worry. This is
their last day of training,

and they leave tonight.

Excuse me, question. Yes.

Yes, hi. Will we have
an opportunity to explore

these... these beautiful
grounds on our own?

Absolutely. Tomorrow at sunset.

After goat yoga.

Oh, my God! Can
it get any worse?!

♪♪

♪♪

Arrgh! Ughh!

What are you
doing? I grunted less

when I was giving birth to Joe.

You were pushing six and a
half pounds, I'm pushing 220.

You're dressing younger.

You're exercising.

You only had one
breakfast this morning.

Who is she, Jay? I'll kill her.

Relax, would you? I'm
just trying to get in shape.

Okay, but hurry,
because we have to go

and pick up Joe at
the birthday party.

Wait a minute.

Is that what
this is all about...

Henry's father?

I don't understand
why you're so insecure

just because he's younger,

stronger, and more
rugged than you are.

Go easy. I'm working
on only one breakfast.

Joe won't shut up about
his new friend's dad.

"Henry's dad is so
tough." Who cares?

He was a stunt double in
a couple of Bourne movies.

From the first time
Joe went over there,

that guy's been trying
to prove how cool he is.

Joe! Let's go!

Heads up!

What the hell?! Yeah!

He's Jason Bourne!

That's make-believe.

Matt Damon's Jason Bourne.

Growing up, I thought
my dad was the coolest.

And that made me
feel good about myself.

I mean, I try to stay with it.

Exactly! Look at you, you
even have a smart watch.

Yeah, the damn thing
tells me when to stand up,

when to breathe.

Your body mass index is...

Nobody asked!

Which have more chromosomes,
potatoes or humans?

Humans, right?

Potatoes?!

Oh, Krazy Kups, what
can't you teach us?

Are you doing all this to
impress Haley's boyfriend?

Haley's dating this genius
astrophysics professor

who's somehow making her smarter

because, last week,
I called Pluto a planet

and Haley laughed at me.

In pity.

Haley. Haley.

Haley.

Do we think that Haley
is suited to a professor,

because I more saw
her with a Gilligan type?

Come on, now. Lots
of happy couples

aren't the exact
same level of smart.

That's true.

We work. Yeah.

Wait.

When you say, "We work,"

do you think you're smarter
than me or I'm smarter than you?

I think I'm smart enough
not to have this conversation.

Oh, my God!

You do! You think
you're smarter than me!

Okay, hotshot. How
many patents do you have?

Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun,

Polite Car Horn that'll
put an end to road rage.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Can we just not get into a
whole thing before this lunch?

What lunch? I just ate a pie.

Your sister is dating a
professor of astrophysics,

and he's coming
here today to meet us.

Oh, good, someone to talk to.

I'm tired of dumbing it
down for you chuckle-heads.

Bill, are you on your way?

Stay in the car. I'll
meet you outside.

It was hard for me when
Haley started dating Arvin,

my professor and
science hero and...

okay, fine, crush.

I was so upset, I went home,
and I may have overindulged...

on Bagel Bites.

Hey.

Aah! It's okay. You're safe.

But I'm gonna need
you to come with me.

I don't really think you need...

Okay.

He was like a superhero.

Is that your dad?

A beautiful...

not-so-smart superhero.

The last thing I wanted
was Professor Fennerman

finding out I was
dating a dummy.

A sweet, chiseled dummy.

Alex, you didn't mention
you've got a firefighter boyfriend.

Yeah! It's great.

"Take that, you
fire." We gotta go.

Oh, but your parents just
invited me to stay for lunch.

Score!

By the way, you look way
younger than your poster.

We really should
get going before we...

We miss our... our
plans and stuff, right? Oh.

Yeah. Uh, yeah...

Alex! I didn't know you
were joining us for lunch.

Oh! No, no.

My... My friend and
I have some plans

we really can't get out of.

Oh, no, I could totally just
show you Backdraft later.

It's my brother's DVD. He
doesn't even know I took it.

So... Mom, Dad, this is Arvin.

Hello, Arvin. It's a
pleasure to meet you.

Yes, you are the first TED
Talkin' science superstar

we've ever had in
our house. Mm-hmm.

Well, as long as I'm a
"superstar" and not a supernova.

You don't even know
what you're laughing at.

I get it. I got it more.

I don't get it, but, uh, you
sound like Austin Powers, man.

Wow. Henry's dad
did such a great job

with the birthday
party for the kids, huh?

"Henry's dad." "Henry's dad."

I took Joe

to see African Queen
in CinemaScope.

Oh, hey. Good to
see you again, Jay.

Hi. Hi, I'm Clay.

I'd shake your hand,
but I'm a little banged up.

I feel out of a five-story
building this morning,

into a net.

He fell out of bed this morning.

Ah. Hey, honey.

Come down and meet these guys.

Oh, hey! Wow.

Welcome. I'm Jenny, Henry's mom.

Joe's parents... Jay, Gloria.

Hi. Gloria.

Mama! Henry's mom
just did the wall so fast!

You try it.

Oh, I climb already into
these heels this morning.

It's too much for me today.

I'm going up again!

Okay.

Oh, I used to love
wearing shoes like that.

But after marching around
in combat boots for two years,

I made a deal with my feet I
would never hurt them again.

My beautiful wife
did two tours in Iraq.

Oh. Wow, Gloria,
you're not that different.

Yesterday, she did
two tours of a sales rack.

Help! I'm too high!

Oh. Go ahead, just
jump, buddy. I'll catch ya.

But your sciatica!

I'm on it.

What is the hurry?
He's on a rope.

She's making quite a
meal out of this. Yeah.

Attaboy.

Thank you, Jenny.
You're so cool.

Ah, look at that,
Gloria. She saved him.

Just like she saved America.

Can I have some more
cake? Jenny made it.

I used to cook for my squadron.

You've done so many great things

that you keep telling us about.

Here we are... Our
sensory deprivation tanks

will disconnect
you from the world

and connect you with yourselves.

Okay, so, this
looks a little coffin-y.

So, I'm not so sure.
About my husband.

He had an MRI last year,
and he sort of freaked out.

So, do you have anything bigger,

like, an indoor pool
or a... a family tank?

Okay, Mitchell, I'm... I'm fine.

We're here to evolve
and grow... Well...

So, the float
lasts for one hour,

during which most
people simply experience

a deep, relaxed state.

Most people? What...
What about the rest?

What... What do they experience?

Okay, a-are these scratches on
this lid here? Oh, come on, Mitchell.

The flower that
blooms in adversity

is the most rare
and beautiful of all.

Very well put.

He didn't make that
up. It's from Mulan.

Our daughter made us
watch it a thousand times.

Well, I... Well, I'm lashing!

Okay, maybe we
should just float.

Yeah, let's just
float. Yeah, okay.

Okay.

I tried to relax in
there, I really did.

But it was difficult.

I-I guess because I
felt like I was, um...

Oh, what's the word?

Dying.

But I got past that,

only to start reliving every
mistake I have ever made,

like when I went to an
Oscar party and I said

"Bett" Davis in front of a
room full of vicious gays.

Honestly, the only thing
that kept me in there

was the knowledge that
Cam was right next door.

Go Royals! I-I love you!

It was a solid plan...

Just go for a quick
peek, take some pictures,

run back, splash
some water in my hair,

"Oh, Mitchell, isn't
floating so relaxing?"

Got it!

Nice catch.

Oh. That was good.

Oh, my gosh. Uh, M-Mr. Brett. I
didn't know you would be here.

Hi. Call me George. Oh, George.

Yeah, how are ya? Uh,
good. My name's Cameron.

Nice to meet you, Cam.

Nice to meet you.
Been a fan for...

Hey, do you mind
if I get a picture?

Not at all. Not at all.

300 bucks, how's that sound?

I'm retired.

300? I'm just kidding.

Oh.

Come on, it's free.

Okay... Ow!

Alright.

There it is. There they are! Oh,
my God! There ya go! There ya go!

Well, listen, I don't want to take up
too much of your time. Thank you s...

I got all the time in the world.

I'm not playing. I'm
just coaching. Ohh.

Okay. Yeah. Come here.

Let me tell you the story
about the Pine Tar game.

Oh, wow! You wanna hear that?

Sure. Come on.

Okay. But first, let
me tell you about...

I'm gonna tell you about
dinner the night before. Oh.

You must be the
genius boyfriend.

That is what the guys call me.

They're always, like, you know,

"Hey, genius." I'm
like, "Hey, guys."

So, tell me, are there aliens?

You kidding? 100%.

Oh, I knew it. Wait, and
the zombiepocalypse?

Dude, I tell everyone,

"Start building up an
immunity to zombie bites. Now."

I'm so glad we talked.

Um. Sorry for the interruption.

Everything okay?

Well, the short story is, yes.

The... The long story is,

the theory on which I've based

much of my career
has just been disproven.

What? Your Vacuum Energy
Density Theory? I'm... I'm so sorry.

Me, too.

That was the density theory
I thought really worked.

Really, Phil, what was
your second choice?

Well, that's all part
of the process, isn't it?

My theory actually invalidated
someone else's. Mm.

He jumped off a building...

Just very dramatic.

But, well, I'm British.
So, no worries.

What smells so good?
Uh. Uh, it's the chicken!

So, Bill, you are a firefighter?

Yeah, my three favorite
things are helping people,

sliding down poles,
and hanging off trucks,

so I figured might as well
make a career out of it.

Well, it's good that
your favorite things

weren't chloroform, duct
tape, and windowless vans.

Claire, the joke is
he'd be a kidnapper.

I got it.

You know, Phil used to
think it was "duck" tape.

Like, duck.

Claire didn't understand
the ending of La La Land.

Sorry. They're not
normally like this.

Clearly, they're going
through something

they can't even drop
for one important lunch.

They're arguing
over who's smarter,

and there's only
one way to settle it.

Another time, in the presence
of a marriage counselor?

Nope. Brain Battle.

No. No, we're not
doing that right now.

I'm so sorry, Arvin.
We're being silly.

"How many presidents
died in office?"

Eight. Six.

The correct answer is eight.

Ha! Ha! Damn it.
Give me another one.

Why was six afraid of seven?

'Cause seven, eight, nine.

You know, like he "ate" it.

"Who wrote Moby-Dick?"

Herman Munster. Herman Munster.

Herman Melville. Melville!

"How many moons
does Jupiter have?"

Oh, is it alright if I take
this one? Mm-hmm.

27.67.

Hmm? No, that's... That's wrong.

67 is Uranus and
Jupiter's 27, right, Alex?

Actually, no.

But it's a simple
mistake, though.

You just flipped them.

Well, this is
mortifying, isn't it?

I have a doctorate
in astrophysics. Idiot.

First, some puffed-up Swedes
invalidate my life's work.

And then I'm bested by a
little bedtime gurgle cup!

I'm sorry. I'm going
to need a moment.

67 moons. What an idiot.

Well, all's I know is

the Earth only has one moon

and I saw a documentary

and, uh, we didn't
even land on it.

Oh, my God, stop talking.

You know, you're
being kind of mean.

I'm gonna need a moment, too.

This is why I don't
bring boyfriends home.

Why didn't you ask me
before inviting him to lunch?

"This Paul Newman
character had a 'cool hand'?"

Luke! Yep.

Counts! Counts.

Henry's dad climbed the wall
with one hand! It was awesome!

Yeah, well, his career
rides on Matt Damon

not doing any
artsy, think-y movies,

so I wouldn't count on Henry

going to your
school much longer.

What the hell? I
made that light.

Oh, geez. Another ticket.

Henry's mom drove a tank!

Henry's mom! Henry's mom!

What are you doing, Gloria?

I want to see
Henry's mom do this!

Yay! He's chasing us!

This feels like a bad idea.

Okay, too late, because
I'm already committed!

Heart rate... high.

Heart rate... high.
What is the plan, Gloria?

We're going to the mall!

You know I tease you
about your shopping,

but you do have a problem.

Okay. Get down and don't move.

That's gonna be tough.
I can smell Cinnabon.

Hey!

Where have you been? Oh, hey.

I just stayed in the tank
a little... a little extra.

How... What a great experience.

Just being alone
with yourself... Oh!

Oh, I was never alone.

I-I saw the face of every bully,

I replayed every humiliation...

Okay. Is this about
"Bett" Davis again?

Okay, we had just
watched Ruthless People.

You're thinking Midler.
You gotta let it go.

I know. I'm... I'm gonna try.

But as scared as I was in there,

I kept thinking about how

you're the one person
who makes me feel safe.

And it... it made me want to
be a better husband... Aww.

To be more present,

to be more understanding, to...

Why's... Why's your
face red? Oh, is it?

Yeah. Is it?

Oh, just probably 'cause
of the toxins, you know...

And your arms, too,
but only up to the...

You have a farmer's tan.

What have I told you about
that expression? I can say it, but...

Oh, my... T-That's
why you're burned.

You went Royal watching!

I was only gonna stay for a
second, but George Brett...

George... George
Brett cornered me.

Who? And you know how
I am with famous people.

I can't say "No."

Remember when I spent
the entire day at the pool

with Downtown Julie Brown?

You shamed me into coming here

only to leave me soaking in
a... in a bowl of trauma soup?

Okay, whoa, whoa.
W-What happened about be...

Being more understanding?

I-I can't believe you're
turning this into my fault.

This is so like
you, Cam. This...

Hello, again.

Please follow me to your
guided silent meditation.

Before we begin,

the chef has asked me
to reassure everyone

that there's nothing
wrong with the tempeh.

It's supposed to taste that way.

Alright.

Deep breath. In
through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

Only in silence can
we be truly present.

But be prepared...

Errant feelings may arise.

Anxiety, doubt, anger...

Now, take a breath

and let those feelings
pass like clouds in the sky.

The tension is melting away.

That's it.

Live in this moment of
serenity and stillness.

We're so accustomed
to going, going, going.

But we need to just stop.

Ask yourself the
important questions.

Are you running away
from difficult feelings?

Are you holding on
to petty grievances?

Are you being the best you?

It's not too late to
find your way back.

To the light,

to forgiveness,

to love.

It was amazing.

There were no words,

but I could feel Cam

taking full responsibility
for our fight.

Total silence, but
Mitchell's eyes said,

"It's all on me."

You know, "I was wrong.
What would I do without you?"

It was a beautiful weekend.

Plus, George Brett
signed my ball.

Oh, "To Cam, all my
best wishes, George Brett.

P.S. We are not done with this"?

Mitchell!

Did you write on my ball?!

Hey, where's Bill?

I don't know. He's
probably outside.

When he gets agitated,
he likes to climb stuff.

That lunch was insane. Can
you believe Mom and Dad?

No, and, uh, I can't
believe you, either.

You're so mean to Bill.

What do you have
against hot people?

What did we ever do
to you? You lost me.

You're gonna
blow it with that guy,

and he's really nice.

Why do you have to
make him feel so dumb?

Okay, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, yes, I do.

Because it's the same way
you've always treated me.

It sucks.

You know what Arvin never does?

Makes me feel
less smart than him.

So, who cares if Bill's
not a member of Menses?

Look, this is the first
boyfriend you've ever had

that is age
appropriate, employed,

and doesn't look like
he's dying on a ship.

I wouldn't say "boyfriend."

He's more like
a guilty pleasure.

Guilty or not, that's the
first time I've ever heard you

describe a guy as a "pleasure."

Bill, I'm sorry!

All good, babe.

You're the one
fire I can't put out.

Well, also grease
is pretty tricky.

Arvin?

Oh.

Arvin, hi. Are you okay?

Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes.

Um... yes.

I-I'm... I'm just a-a
little embarrassed.

We're the ones who
should be embarrassed.

We just made lunch
so tense and weird.

Yeah. Well, I'm...

I'm not terribly adept
at handling failure.

My parents are both
overachieving academics...

A doctor of philosophy and
a... a doctor of mathematics.

Oh. Wow!

And Father is a
doctor of medicine

and a doctor of economics.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I-I
just need to shake it off.

You know, stiff-upper-lip it.

Yeah, it's fine.

Can we just pretend
it never happened?

No.

No, failure sucks.

It's okay to feel bad.

Yeah, wallow a little.
Eat some ice cream.

Day drink, that's how you
come out the other side.

You're... You're like the
inverse of my parents.

Except the drinking.

They're pickled most of the day.

Well, you're not in their house.

This is House
Dunphy... We fail here.

Right. I mean,
today our whole goal

was to impress you. We
made fools of ourselves.

I have a magic shop that's
bleeding money... thousands.

What? It's fine.

Hey, what's all this,
then? Oh, whoa.

Did I get that from you?
Am I becoming Madonna?

Your parents were
actually being quite lovely.

Thank you for taking the time.

Oh, and my parents'
walls may be adorned

with nothing but
degrees and awards,

but they don't have one tenth
of your emotional intelligence.

Aww! Thank you.

But would you say it's an
absolutely equal emotional...

If you had to pick a winner...

Okay, stop it.
Intelligence. Just...

That was so fun.

My heart is racing.

You? My watch
dialed my cardiologist.

I've never run from
the cops before.

Me either.

Lights!

I can't wait to tell everyone
how cool you guys are!

We're not cool, Joe.

That's not what people do

when a policeman
pulls them over.

In fact, there's
nothing cool about us.

Well, I don't think we
should be lumped into...

Lights!

Joe, there are more important
things than being cool.

Uh, like what?

Look, the point is, Joe,
we love you too much

to let you think dumb
moves like this are okay.

So, what do we do now?

We're gonna do the right thing.

Officer!

Uh...

Where's Cinnabon?

Sure enough, they call me
out for using too much pine tar.

I run out there and just go
berserk on these umpires.

But everybody remembers... Ugh!

Watch out. That's
a base. Yeah. Yeah.

That's third base. Third base.

That's where I used to
play. You remember that?

Yeah. Yeah. Should we do...

So, when you would stand here,

you would just kind of
basically be in an athletic...

I played college football...
You would get here.

You would get right
here like this and say,

"Please don't hit it to me."

That's how I feel!

I'm gonna get you back!

Captions by VITAC