Modern Family (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 16 - Wine Weekend - full transcript

The family go wine tasting and stay in Hayley's boss's country house which has one important rule, don't touch the tiara. Meanwhile, Gloria and Mitch are invited to a party at Oprah's house but can't bring anyone else.

Obviously, this is
the living room.

There's a fully stocked bar
in the den,

and the home theater
is downstairs.

Wow. So, your boss launches
one style website

and she can afford
all of this?

I wish
"1950s closeted father"

was a look people
were clamoring for.

Oh, it is not
that simple.

The formula for NERP
is very specific--

former actress plus
confidence based on nothing

equals millions in sales
of iffy wellness products.

We should get her a gift
for letting us stay here,

but what do you give someone
who's researching

charcoal toothbrushes
in Sri Lanka?

Oh, actually,
she's judging

a placenta-cooking contest
in Minsk.

Maybe we should stay away
from the fridge.

So, we're in
wine country.

When does the wine tasting
start, because I could use it

after the public bashing
I've had to endure.

Here we go.
No more boo-hooing, Manny.

The review
wasn't that bad.

He called my portrayal
of Inspector Poirot

"not believable,"

"hard to buy,"
and, ironically, "redundant."

Hey, Mitch, Cam-- now that
you guys have had a chance

to sleep on my performance,
what did you think?

It was a tricky part.
Yeah, and I don't blame you.

I blame whoever cast you.

Okay, a couple more

Finally, the closet part
of the tour.

My boss left each of you
a very special robe.

They minimize

and gently exfoliate your
skin whilst you wear them.

That's weird.
I only see six robes.

That's what's
weird about them?

Oh, one last thing.

Do not touch
the tiara

on display
in the drawing room.

It is very delicate.
Got it?

Sorry, honey. You're just...
You're doing that thing

where you look like
a really intense baby deer.

Oh, the scarier
you try to be,

the more adorable you are.
I know!

Whatever. I have, like,

a million errands
to run for my boss.

Hang on. Since no one's called
dibs on the master bedroom,

I assume it's up for grabs.

Oh, actually, there are only
three guest bedrooms upstairs,

so you'll have to sleep
in there, okay?

The maid's quarters?
But I'll be right next

to the creaky door...

You know, if you want,
I can put some oil on that.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't.

These are traditional Tibetan
creaking hinges.

We need those.

Whoa. Go easy.
Trust me, Dad.

Right now,
I could really use this.

I love Phil. Let's just
get that
out of the way first,

but he has
these bear slippers.

I don't know
where they came from,

probably the same place
that sells

pinky rings and other things
that make it difficult

to see your husband
as a sexual being.

Oh, my gosh. I don't think
I'm allowed here

in my bare feet.

I have a tactic

for getting rid of things
that I hate.

I suggest that Phil
brings them on vacation,

and then I forget
to repack them. Thanks.

Dollar-sign necktie--

I flung it over
Niagara Falls.

The belt buckle
with "Pimp" in crystals?

Chucked it in
the Grand Canyon.

Huh. I wonder
if that's what Gloria did

to my denim vest
in the Galapagos.

I just got to
sneak out tonight

and disappear those
bear slippers in the woods.

Am I a terrible person?

but there might be a pattern
of desecrating national parks

you might
want to look at.

That's enough, Chubs.

What are you doing?

Stella's been severely

depressed because
her best friend, Norman,

the next-door neighbor's dog,
just died.

She won't even do
her favorite trick anymore.

Stella. Stella, speak.

Speak. Like
you're saying "Hello".

Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!


I wanted to bring Stella
on the trip to cheer her up.

She never sees seasons,
but Gloria wanted one night

with just
the two of us in bed,

so I did
the only sensible thing.

You left her at home
with a dog sitter?

Checked her in
the hotel down the road.

I'm trying to get
some wine in Gloria

so she passes out early
and I can sneak off
and feed Stella.

The hotel down the road?
You mean the Ritz?

I had points. Calm down.

Oh, how cool. This is both
an opener and a stopper.

Oh, I guess what it does for

it also does
for conversations.

Wait, is that...?


What a surprise.

And who is this?

I always assumed I was
your sexiest Latin friend.

This is Gloria.
Gloria, Ronaldo.


Guatemalan. Venezuelan?

Not sure what this is.

Um, so wha-what are you
doing in town?

Oh, just picking up some wine
for a party I'm catering...

at Oprah Winfrey's.

Stop it!

Oh, what, is that a big deal?
Don't you be coy.

You know the power dynamic
just shifted between us.

If you want, I can get you two
into the party.

Get out!
You would do that for us?

Only because
I like you so much.

I like you so much, too!

That was a quick thaw.

It can only be the two of you,
though. No Cameron.

Pepper would kill me.

Right. Cam's in a feud
with Ronaldo's husband

over what type of cracker
belongs on a cheese platter.

Water cracker.
The cheese is the star.

This isn't our fight.

I have to run.

I'll text you the address.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Can you believe this? We're
going to a party at Oprah's.

What if we become friends
with her?

What if we get
our own TV show?

Who's gonna pick up Joe
from school?

we'll have drivers.

Tuesday Company!

Cam, Mitch, Claire, and I
signed up for a hip-hop class.

We knew it was legit
when they asked us

to graffiti our names
on the sign-up wall.

Right leg, come on.

Ugh. Wrap those arms,
come on.

Ugh. Ugh.

And yeah!

I like it.
Nice job, everybody!

Great. That's great.
Hey, Sho Nuff. Bomb class.

Yeah, yeah. Really sick.

Hey, man. You two were
hitting it hard out there.

I was really believing
your movements.

Are you...
saying we brought it?

I'm saying
y'all crushed it.

Keep it up.
All right?

Hit it.

All right. There you go.


Did you hear that?
You mean when our dance

told us we were basically
street-dance superstars?

Did you notice
how he singled us out?

He didn't even mention
Mitch or Claire.

It's like he's
saying they're
holding us back.

Okay. You know what?
We need to shed
our dead-weight spouses.

There's nobody I would rather
impress more than Sho Nuff.

True dat.
No, True Dat's just the DJ.

I don't care what he thinks.

Turns out, Cam and I make
tremendous dance partners.

Our bodies are so in tune,

it's like we finish
each other's...

Phil starts a move,

and I instinctually
complete it.

And, yeah,
it's as powerful as it sounds.

Oh, my gosh.
Did you ever think
a farm boy from Missouri

and-and a real-estate agent
from Key West, Florida,

would get the opportunity
to audition

for the prestigious
Tuesday Company?

And it only costs
slightly more
than regular classes.

We could be the greatest
masters-level hip-hop duo

since Pump Up and The Jam.
I know!

Callback's tomorrow,
so we'll have to
sneak out tonight

for a final rehearsal.

You-you brought the outfit
in case we got it, right?

"In case"?
Good one, Phil.

I'm having a hard time
resisting dancing
with joy, are you?

Me-Meet at the grapes.

Man, it took forever
to find a parking spot.

I could really use a sip
of a chewy Cabernet.

You can't drink.

You have to stay sober
to drive the rest of us home.

Wait. Is that why I'm here?
To be the designated driver?

If you need
a title, sure.

Okay, the front door's
too loud.

We can get to the driveway
this way.

I look like Miss Universe.

What are you doing?
Haley said not to touch that.

Let me see.

Clean cut.

Those are real diamonds!
Leave 'em. Come on.

Cam, walk this way.
Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mixing metals is
very in-fashion right now.

No, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

In 18 hours, Sho Nuff is gonna
be rating our dance skills

on a scale
of one to dayum. Come on!

All right. All right.

But here--

just one more treat.


We'll just do this quick.

Here you go.



I thought you were Gloria.

Wh-Why is Stella here?

I was going to feed her
at the hotel,

and she's clearly
in a bad way.

She trashed the room.

It looked like The Who
was staying there.

I'm gonna stash her
in the guest house,

brush her fur
until she goes to sleep.



I am the prom queen?!

It's not...
it's not Ashley Walls

who got the pity vote
after her car accident?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Now we need to be
strategic if we're gonna hit

all of Oprah's
important rooms, okay?

Her home office,
her gift-wrapping room,

her temperature-controlled
vault of cozy sweaters.

But what if Gayle is there?

Do we stop
to talk to her?

No. No Gayle.
There's no time.

Okay, that-that's
the third house

in this compound
that we passed.

How will we know when we get
to Oprah's actual hou...?

Oh, my God.


♪ I'm doin' it again,
do-doin' it again ♪

♪ Black car, black money,
I'm reelin' it in ♪

♪ In, in... ♪
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was a beat early
on the booty drop.
No, no, no.

It was me. I was a beat late
on the chest pop.

It's weird,
but I'm... I'm nervous.

I am, too. But you know what?
We-we just have to relax

and remember we're...
we're just
a couple guys dancing.

Who are we kidding?!

Getting Tuesday Company
would be epic!

I know! We get our
own cubbies. We don't
have to throw our keys

and wallet in the corner
Didn't the Tuesdoggs

perform at the WNBA All-Star
Game last year?

It would be life-changing,
but we have

to stop talking about
how great it would be.

That's what's throwing us off.

For now, it's... We're just...

Here's two guys...

We're dancing. Yeah.
We're dancing.

Let's take it from the top.
All right.

Five, six, seven,
eight and...

And that's my bad.

Where have you been? I turned
around and you were gone.

I was in Oprah's bed!

Guess her sleep number.
I don't have to.

I touched her.
I touched Oprah!

Well, technically,
I brushed the edge
of her gown with my finger.

But look-- my cut's magically

And I heard
they have baby elephants

carrying everyone
to the south lawn

to see a living chess match.
Let's go!

Wait, no, Gloria.
Gloria, Come on.

We said we'd only stay
for an hour.

We have to get back
to our normal lives.

- But how?!
- I know.

Leave them.

Take it from me-- if you get
a second chance at love,

you grab it.

After the trauma of losing
her best friend Norman,

Stella's veil of depression
was lifted

by the promise
of new romance.

She realized
she could love again.

You can't
separate them, Claire.

I'm taking that slipper
home with me.

And risk Phil seeing it
the next time
we're at your house?

Forget it. Stella's had
her fun.This is over.

Why is this so hard
for you to accept?

Is it because it's a dog
and a slipper?

♪ I'm doin' it again,
do-doin' it again ♪

♪ Black car, black money,
I'm reelin' it in ♪

♪ In, in,
I'm doin' it again ♪

♪ Black car, black money,
I'm reelin' it in ♪

♪ I'm doin' it again,
doin' it again ♪

♪ Black car... ♪

My bad. Again.

No, no. No, no. That's on me.
I'm still in my head.

Let's face it, Cam.
This isn't about nerves.

It's about me losing
whatever spark I once had.

It's like someone sucked
the funk right out of me.

No, I'm the problem.
It's like I've lost the key

to the lock on my pop.
Just... just go on without me.

I'm holding you back!
I mean, 'nuff is 'nuff.

Maybe Rob Base was wrong.

It takes one
to make a thing go right.

Is it possible...
Just say it.

...that we're just
Monday dancers?

Is it better?

No, I'm still getting
a hint of elephant.

Get out.
What? I'm just being honest.

No, we have to push
the car

the last 50 feet
to the house...
Oh. that they don't
hear us coming.

I feel like
some of Oprah's strength

must've rubbed off on me.

I bet I could
carry this car up.

Are you sure
this is in neutral?

What is this?!

Did you steal this candy dish
from Oprah's house?

It has
her initials engraved.

I couldn't help it.
I wanted a souvenir.

But you said that we couldn't
bring any evidence in here,

and you didn't even
let me take

the party napkin
that had a cartoon

of her hugging children
of many colors!

Okay, I'm sorry.

What if... what if we share
custody of the candy dish?

Okay, fine.

But I get it
for the holidays.


Oh, hey, sorry.

I forgot my keys
in the drawing room.

Okay, where did I
put them?

They were right here,

And right where I thought
I left them. Wait a minute.

What is that?
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! The tiara!
It's cracked! Who did this?!

I'll get
to the bottom of this.

I don't care what some
feeble-minded vulgarian says.

Manny Delgado knows
how to play
the role of an inspector.

I'll text everyone to come
Thank you.

Oh, no.

Aw, hell no.

Okay. Wait, wait, Dad.
We need an excuse!

People are gonna wonder
why we weren't in bed.

Um, tell them that,
uh, uh...

Oh! We were on the balcony
because we saw a moose.

That's dumb. We'll tell them
I'm heating up some milk

for you in the kitchen
because your stomach hurts.

Why? Because I was upset
that I saw a moose?

Put this on.

I was early.
I was late.

Hurry! Hurry!

I'm still getting strong notes
of elephant off of you.

You may have to cut off
all your hair.


I'm sure you're wondering why
I've gathered you all here.

Uh, the tiara's cracked.
You told us in your text.

What I didn't tell you
is that I've vowed

to find out
who's responsible.

Well, no, actually, you did.
It was a fairly long...

Everyone's a suspect.

Don't look at me.
I wasn't anywhere near it.

What a surprise--
Phil feigning innocence.

You're just everyone's
favorite dad, right?

Where were you
when I got my text?

Cam's, uh,
stomach was upset,

and I was warming up
some milk for him.

Claire saw a moose.
I did.

And that's why we were on
the balcony
when you texted us.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, Gloria and I
were in the den.

I ran into her
on my way out to my walk,

and then we decided
to watch the moon together.

The moon, huh?
Seems unlikely

given tonight
is moonless!

No matter.

So, did any of you go through
this room at any point?

Sounds to me
like everybody was inside

doing whatever they were
supposed to be doing.

That's odd, because I found
this door slightly open,

which means
one of you was outside.

When I find out
who went out that door,

quite sure
I'll have my culprit.

Hey, what's that?

It appears to be
two bottom halves

of a gingerbread man
melded together.

Uh, it looks like a bone.
It's a dog treat.

No, it's
a human treat,

and it's shaped like a bone
because it's full of calcium.

I was snacking on them
earlier in the day and

I must have dropped one.

Mmm, they're delicious.

And they're very good
for you.

Checks out.

- That's coming from upstairs!
- No, outside.

how did this happen?

I have a theory.

I once read
about a moose

that knocked a camper
out of neutral.

Perhaps the moose
Claire saw earlier
did the same thing here.

The hood's warm.
Then don't lean on it.

I admit it! Mitch and I--
we were outside.

He wanted to talk to me
about a problem

he's having with Cam
in the gay bedroom.

Oh, so when
it's me, it's a problem.

When it's you,
it's what happens
when you work out too much.

It got cold.
We went inside the car,

I turned the heater on,
and I must have accidentally

knocked it into neutral.

So, it was all ready to roll
when the moose showed up.

Hey, uh, what's
this candy dish doing here?

Haley, please,
I'm trying to think.

But it could be evidence.

What are the lights doing
on in the tennis court?!

Now why would these chairs
be out here,

and how do they connect
to the moose?

These footprints are in
a really weird pattern.

Why do these steps
feel so familiar?

Cam and I
were out here, um...

We were in the kitchen, and
we heard a raccoon outside.

Yeah, yeah.
So, we came out, we...

We grabbed a couple chairs
to-to... to scare it off.

We held...
held them up like this,

and, um,
chased the raccoon,

but it ran into
some trash cans
and we were like...


And then, uh,

it ran up the court
this way...

...and then back a couple of

and then forward again
Forward and then...

and then it did a little spin.
Yeah. Yup.

That was it.
And then it came back at us,

and we were like...
Oh, yeah.

Right, left. Right, right,

body roll, and spin.

And then, it was just gone.
What the hell was that?

What is any of this? I can't
make sense of these clues.

What kind of raccoon isn't
scared off

by the presence of a moose?

All we need to know
is that Mitchell,
Gloria, Cam, and Phil

are the four
and only suspects.
Not only!

One at a time!
Phil, go first.

Well, that's
a lot of pressure.


What is that noise?

It's like a dog
saying, "Hello."

Sounds to me like
a California barking moose.

It came
from up there.

Hey. We were really in-sync

through that raccoon chase.

It felt like maybe we had
our timing back again.

It really did.
Maybe we forgot

dance isn't about the fame
or glory,

but it's about telling a story
that takes your audience

on a journey
that ebbs and flows.

Ebb and Flow.

I think we just found
our hip-hop names.


You brought Stella?!
No! She must have tracked us

What's that, girl?

What? We left
the stove on?

Okay. Well, that was weird.
Wait, wait. Whoa.

What-what is my slipper
doing in here?

I'm not wrong.
It's cold, huh?

Hey. Honey?

We need to talk about this.

Oh, uh, Stella...

No, no, no. Oh, my God.
She wants her slipper, Phil.

W-Why is Phil dressed
like a Beastie Boy?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You two did
hip-hop without us!

Okay, because you and Claire
were holding us back.

Oh, please. We are
just as good as you are.

It sounds like somebody

wants a dance-off.

No one ever
wants a dance-off.

Phil, why didn't you just tell
Save it, Claire.

I know you put the hit out
on my bear slippers.

Those are just
very unsexy.

Oh, 'cause you
always dress so sexy?

Let's check out
this nightwear.

Luke's junior high gym shorts,

and the drawstring is
an old shoelace.

Well, at least I'm not
one of those wives

that spends
a fortune on lingerie.

I mean, look, when
the shoelace broke,

I fixed it
with a staple.

Well, why don't we
add a little
spice for our vacation?

I mean,
Gloria wears a floor-length,

beaded nightgown to bed.

Wait a second.
No, she doesn't.


It looked more comfortable
on the Web site.

Wait a minute.
Gloria was with Mitchell.

I... Um...
What have we got going on
under here?!

Okay, where were you going
looking so dapper?!

Dapper. Really? Aw...

Ooh! Ooh! Manny. Manny!

Hey! Look what just fell out
of Uncle Mitch's pocket!

A second candy dish.

Hold up.

This is monogrammed.


You went to Michelle Obama's

without me?

You went to
Oprah Winfrey's without me?!

is this true?

You know how I feel
about Oprah.
She changed my... Excuse me.

She gave me the strength
to change my own life!


Stop. Stop! Hey, stop!

Have we all forgotten
that somebody

cracked my boss's

I could get fired!
Well, I touched it once,

so I might have done it.
I'll pay for it.

Hold on. Cam and I
messed with it, too.

I put it on my head.
I tried it.

Me, too.
Okay, okay.
Obviously, everybody

monkeyed around with it,

so we'll all chip in.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah, let's go to bed!

Listen, not to take
Phil's side, but you
could wash those shorts

'cause I'm getting a strong
whiff of elephant.


Thanks for trying
to help, Manny.

I guess we'll really never
know who broke that tiara.

I broke the tiara.

I was alone at the house
the night before

doing a little
private wine tasting.

I made a Web site,

and I tell people how to live.

Get a latte enema.

Drink ocean water.

Oh. Oh, no. Ooh.

I knew if I said to my family,
"Do not touch",

one of those bozos
would have to try it on

and then think
they cracked it themselves.

That's right. I'm a little
smarter than people think.

But lucky, too. That moose
almost ruined everything.

There's no sense denying it.
Life, as we know it,

has changed.
Yeah, yeah.

From now on,
you'll be dancing on Tuesdays.

Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.

Hey, guys. So, uh, listen.

Oprah knows
about the candy dish.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

There are cameras, Mitchell!
You need to bring it back.

Where are you?
I'm still here at Oprah's,

under my own free will.

And I will probably
stay here in this tower

until she gets
her dish back.

It's quite meaningful.
She stole it from... it as a gift
from Michelle Obama.

Oh, my God.

We have Michelle Obama's
candy dish.

Oprah Winfrey
has our number.

Okay! Okay!
Oh, my God.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH