Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - Snow Ball - full transcript

Come on in.

Hey-o. Hi.

Do you love our sweaters?

I thought they would be
perfect for the Snow Ball dance.

I got them at the
store where you buy

things that go with
the other things.

Oh, I know that place.

That's where we got our
Salt-N-Pepa salt-n-pepper shakers.

Claire can never tell
which one is which.

A confusing idea,
poorly executed.

Stop implying I'm a racist.



How did we get roped
into this chaperone thing?

This incredibly annoying
PTA mom, Marjorie,

keeps hounding us
to volunteer for things,

and we finally
ran out of excuses.

Oh, I should probably
tell her we're coming.

Unreal. "Where are you?"

"Are you with Claire?"

"How far away are you?"

"Text me when you're close."

"I locked my keys in my
car..." Oh, that's from Haley.

As much as I'd love
to meet this dingbat,

how many chaperons
do they really need?

It takes one person to turn a
garden hose on those dry humpers.

If Phil is going, you are going.



I don't like being the only person
in the room without a husband.

It's my one insecurity.

Phil is just trying to be nice.

He doesn't want to
go to this thing either.

Actually, I was
looking forward to it.

Maybe meet some of
these so-called cheerleaders.

Watch their faces
when I tell them

we could cupie a
scorpion into a cradle catch

and then pop-up
into a split extension.

Most of that stuff
is illegal now.

I think what Phil is
trying to say is that

he and I haven't had a
boys night in a good while.

I mean, wouldn't
it be nice to just

hang out together?
Just you and me?

What do you say, buddy?

What?

Might be nice to have
a hang with my boy Jay,

if it's fine with you?

Sure, it's the least I can do, because
tomorrow you are going to help

Luke with his homework,
while I visit wine country.

I want to go.

That's just what she calls lying

on the trampoline
drinking Chardonnay.

Uh...

Oh, yes, we're on our way.

Bye.

Okay, honey. Have fun you two.

Don't worry about
us. We'll have a blast.

We'll have a good time. Yes!

This is going to be so great.

Sure will.

Maybe give them
about a five minute

lag time before
you hit the road.

What do you mean?

You said we were going
to do something together.

I was just trying to get
us out of that stupid dance.

Oh.

Okay.

Enjoy your night, Phil.

I've got a date with an epic
Western about a crooked sheriff

and I'm at the first of what I predict
to be many wrongful hangings.

Well, if you're not
up for doing anything,

I think I'll just
go to the dance.

What? No, you can't do that.

Makes me look like a jerk.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Whatever you like. I
want to go to the dance.

How are you not getting this?

Fine. I'll just go home.

You're going to the
dance, aren't you?

Of course I am.

All right, you win.

We'll do something. Awesome.

What do you want to do?

Gosh, I don't know, I mean,
dancing is still so much in the air.

Where are you
going? Scotch country.

We're low on ice in bucket 12.

Hey, those crab cakes have to
last all night. Push the cheese.

Set list?

You're starting
with "Get Lucky"?

Come on, we're
telling a story here.

Do you know what time it is?

I thought you were
going to help me set-up?

Sorry, buddy. I was worrying
about the big-picture stuff.

Hmm. Is there
enough room for it here

or should I put it in
the back entrance?

You should certainly
put it in a back entrance.

Oh, my gosh. Doesn't
everything look so lovely?

Well, it's high school.

Dress it up all you
want, it's still the place

I spent four years being
tormented by sadistic bullies.

Nice shirt, Michelle.

Oh, you know what,
times have changed.

In high school, did
you ever imagine

you'd end up with
the football coach?

The football coach?

No. The swim coach,
Mr. Arteno, almost nightly.

Oh, Coach Tucker, Mitchell.
Thank you for volunteering.

I couldn't say no. The kids on
the team practically begged me.

It's an amazing thing to matter
so much and inspire so many.

Oh! No, I think they
just wanted you here

so that they can prank you. Hmm?

Yeah, the football team
has something all worked out.

I don't know what it is,

'cause I checked out after
they capped my salary.

But there's usually a mess,

so you might want to throw
a poncho over all that finery.

Oh, my God, I hate
pranks so much.

Now I'm going to spend
the whole dance paranoid,

wondering what
they're going to do.

Is it going to hurt,
am I going to cry?

You're a clown. Isn't that
mostly just pranking people?

No, it is not. Clowns
are loving and joyful.

You know what? I was warned
about this kind of ignorance.

Don't make me regret
marrying outside the Big Top.

What?

We got to keep our
eyes peeled for kids

trying to bring alcohol in here.

I can not make it through
this thing without a drink.

Marjorie, twelve o'clock.

Oh, God.

Quick, pretend we're having a
fight then she won't come over here.

You stole my inheritance,
you gold digger!

Wow, you had that
one ready to go.

There you are. Did
you get my texts?

Look what I've
already confiscated.

Oh, shameful, I'll take that.

So, I still need
volunteers to call

parents for silent
auction items.

I've divided it
into six hour shifts,

so if you switch ears every
half hour, it's actually not bad.

Can I count on you two ladies?

I'm so busy, but I
can't speak for Gloria.

My phone English no so good.

I get it. I'm a bit
of a nag-eroo.

Hmm. Like my mom always jokes,

"You know who you should
bore with this? Your husband.

"Oh, right, he left you."

That woman is so uptight.

You know what she needs? Hmm.

A man.

That is a very old
fashioned attitude

which in this case
seems pretty accurate.

A man, a man, a man,
where can we find one?

Hey, Siri, record
Antiques Roadshow.

I can't think of anyone.

Principal Brown.

He's single, we can fix them up.

At the winter dance.

Mmm-hmm.

That's so romantic.

Yes, and maybe

she'll get off our backs if
she spends more time on hers.

You really are
your father's son.

Hey, you okay? Guy just
made fun of my bow-tie

in front of everyone. Asked
if I was trying to look gay.

Oh, that is charming.

So I guess high school hasn't
changed that much, has it?

Look, I want you to put this
back on and wear this with pride.

This was soaking wet before
you threw it in there, right?

We're going to let
it go. That's fine.

All right. Where is this idiot?

Are you trying to look gay?

'Cause you don't have the pecks,

the pores, or the
pants for it, slugger.

Hey, here's a reference that
hairstyle's old enough to get.

It's not twerking.

Yeah, well you're
just a... you're a...

So, I'm going to go squeeze
in a dance real quick,

while you stagger to
the end of that sentence.

Leslie Kwan Collins,
Daily Dolphin.

I know who you are, we've
been friends since kindergarten.

Care to comment on
what my sources are calling

"The best Snow Ball ever"?

Sure, but I'm not the one
responsible for this party's success.

They all are.

I'm just a humble servant
who made it all happen.

Can you excuse us
please? Thank you.

You are unbelievable.

Stop. I can't keep hearing that.

I'm the one that
made all this happen.

Do you have any idea how
hard it is doing all this for $8,000?

Yeah, of course
not... Wait, wait, wait.

The budget for this was $800.

You spent $8,000? That's
the budget for the whole year.

I texted you, "What's my
budget for the Snow Ball?"

You replied, "8,000"
followed by a gratuitous gif

of a guy getting
hit in the nards.

It's like just don't skateboard

down a railing, right?

Principal Brown. Yup?

If we were to go over with
the student council budget,

how hard would it be to
get a little extra money?

Oh, no problem.
We would just sell

the Rembrandt in
the faculty lounge.

See? Problem solved.

He's being sarcastic.

Why, what's wrong?

Nothing, just playing "What
if all the money got spent?"

Oh, can you imagine?

We'd have to cancel
every other school event

starting with the
wrestling banquet.

And those hopped up
psychos will rip your heads off.

And then you bleed to death,

'cause we can't afford a
school nurse anymore, right?

Oh, oysters.

Nice try, boys!

You guys are cool.
Just move along.

Hey, Cam, uh, do you know a
kid named Damian Warmack?

Oh, yeah. Mean little kid? Yeah.

He fat shamed my
whole defensive line.

There's nothing more
sad than watching

a once terrifying nose tackle
pick croutons out of his salad.

Oh, God, I'm so conflicted.

A gay kid is now
bullying football players,

which I guess, you
know, seems like progress,

but, the wrong kind of
progress... Would you like a...

In my defense, bruschetta
mostly ends up on the floor anyway.

Cam, I think you might be more
worried about this prank thing

than you need to be.

Well I just don't understand
why they want to prank me?

I thought they liked me.

Of course they like you.

You can't prank somebody
you don't like. That's just assault.

But pranking you is their bizarre
way of saying that they love you.

Wha... Is this your bizarre way
of not validating my feelings?

Okay, we could go bowling?

Hmm, had my league last
night. I'm a little bowled out.

Fair enough. Round of mini golf?

Great idea. Wait up, I'll go
get my frog and my sling shot,

we'll hop on our bikes
and go down there.

We could go get something
to eat? Already ate.

We'll go to the
movies? Hate the lines.

How about a bar? So
we drive across town,

pay a 200 percent mark-up
on the same glass of scotch

I'm holding in my
hand right now,

just so some drunken old broad
can stagger over and tell me

I look like Ernest Borgnine.

You know what? I'm done trying.

I'm sorry there isn't a single
thing you'd have fun doing with me.

Oh, come on. Don't get all hurt.

I promise you your
next idea, I'll say yes to.

Really?

Thanks, Jay.

You hold off for something
awesome and I think we nailed it.

One please. That
would be eight dollars

plus whatever tip
you feel is appropriate.

It was free an hour ago.

You used to be able to
throw a baby in the backseat

without strapping it in.
Times change, my friend.

Hey, Delgado.

I hope this punch isn't as
watered down as your performance

in A Streetcar Named
Desire To Hang Myself.

Damian, you're just...

You look... Damn it, I hate
how much I like that jacket.

Hey.

I know what you're
doing. Excuse me?

I know how hard it is to be
a gay teen in high school.

I only had one friend.

Really? What was
Oscar Wilde like?

You're lashing out.

Because, you're angry,
and you're insecure,

and you just want everyone
else to feel as bad as you do.

Maybe.

But, come on,

it must have been easier for you

looking like Michael Fassbender.

I do not look like...

You think I look like
Michael Fassbender?

Yeah. If you were older and
shorter and played by Kathy Griffin.

Hey, hey. That Damian
Warmack kid is so mean.

Honing in on these poor kids'
insecurities and just lacerating them.

I don't look like
Kathy Griffin, do I?

I'll tell you what's mean,

is my team making me wait
all night for this damn prank.

Or, "Mitch, you're being ridiculous,
you're a very handsome man.

"And if you had to be
played by a woman,

"it'd be young Ann Margret."

Hey, Coach. Oh, God!
Just do it! Just do it!

Oh, Principal Brown.
Sorry, sorry, I thought...

I thought you were the prank.

Prank?

Oh, no, that was a little
misunderstanding on my part.

Turns out the new wrestling
coach is being pranked.

They're going to do that thing

where you spin a guy
around bunch of times,

you get him good
and dizzy and then

you tie him to a
tree for the weekend.

Oh, gosh, shouldn't
you stop them?

I would, but he's been
parking at my spot lately.

I guess it's a relief
they're not pranking me.

Yes. You can finally relax.

Can I?

Knowing Coach Wilson's only
been here only seven months,

he's never brought his
team homemade banana loaf,

and yet they care
enough to terrorize him?

Okay, you're going to
have to land on a position.

I just don't understand why
they begged me to be here,

if they they're not
going to prank me.

Because they love you.

And you're making a real
difference in their lives.

Oh, well...

I'm just kidding.

They think you're a
pushover and with you here,

they can get away with anything.

That's ridiculous, because
nothing gets past me.

Excuse me. Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

What is that? Look at this.

Oh!

I'm going to go pour this
down the drain. Cheers.

Having fun?

Hey, I'm just trying to
keep up appearances.

If I panic, everybody panics.

How much money did you
make at the drinks station?

Only about $200.

That's enough.

A caddy at the country
club where I work

knows this dog
track in Hinsdale.

There's 40-to-1 odds on a
greyhound, Whippet Good, who...

Okay, the money is gone.

One time. No, it's stupid.

Just try it. I'm not doing it.

No one else is
around. I don't care.

Come on, I'll start.

♪ A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh

♪ In the jungle, the
mighty jungle... ♪

All right, that's it!

Get out! We're
doing something else.

Somebody thinks you're cute.

Claire, please, this
isn't high school.

Well, no, wait a minute.
It is high school. Mmm.

Okay. All right, so who is it?

My favorite is 1929 Breadmaster.

Some people might
say that collecting

vintage toasters
is a crumby hobby.

Thank you.

Marjorie, I was just
talking to Principal Brown

and he into you, girl.

Really? He's hotter than a
1930s Sunbeam Toast-Rite.

Don't.

I can't talk right now, Mom.

No, I'm not home alone
on a Saturday night.

I'm at a dance,
and a boy likes me.

We good at this.

Why are you talking like that?

I don't know.

Excuse me. Hi, hey.

I don't know exactly
how to do this,

but I'm very flattered
by your interest in me

and just so you know,
the feeling is mutual.

What?

I don't know if you're into
camping, but I can get a tent.

I'm married. My
rear end is at home.

I meant Marjorie.

Oh! Oh, no. She's
way too intense.

No, and, once you've imagined
yourself sitting by campfire

playing your
clarinet for Gloria...

Marjorie loves the outdoors.

Yes, she even has
a camping toaster.

She is a super lady, but, guys,

I'm only 45. I'm
holding out for fireworks.

Oh, here comes Damian.

Do not tell him that I thought
I had a shot with Gloria.

My mom doesn't believe
that Principal Brown likes me.

Can you tell her?

Gloria?

My phone English no so good.

How about ice cream?

Too cold.

Coffee? Too late.

Oh, wait a minute,
I'm such an idiot.

I forgot about the Clint
Eastwood retrospective,

followed by the Scotch
tasting where famous athletes

from the 70's tell stories about

how life used to
be in Youngstown.

Really?

No! It doesn't exist.

What you want does not exist.

What are you doing?

I don't care what you do

but I'm going into that dance.

I like to see the
kids all dressed up

and happy and trying to
look older than they are.

The first girl I ever kissed
was at a high school dance.

Huh! It was actually to
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

I guess that's why
it was in my head.

Let's just say the lion
did not sleep that night.

I was slamming Mountain
Dews like a wild man.

Marcia Golding.

I had this huge crush on her.

Finally got my nerve up to
ask her to the Spring Fling.

First dance, I was terrified.
I'm tromping all over her feet.

But as the dances
went on, it got easier,

and right in the middle

of Sam Cook singing
"You Send Me," I went for it.

I was just so surprised
she kissed me back.

Well,

you can't have
your first kiss again,

but you can have your
next one right in there.

What the hell, it'll
give Gloria thrill.

That's great, Jay,
cause you complete her.

Oh, Phil.

No, literally.

You complete her.

You're the butt of this joke.

Give me the sweater.

Marjorie is smart and organized,

and if you ever need hand
sanitizer or a band-aid,

she always has it on her.

She's like a sexy,
sexy drugstore.

She's as cute as a button, like
a grown up Cabbage Patch doll.

Yeah. Yeah,

that seems like it'd be
a whole lot of emails.

It's a hard pass.

But, Principal
Brown, you know what

they say about a mom who's
enthusiastic in the streets.

That's not a saying.

Why are the two of you suddenly

so interested in my
love life anyway?

Because we care.

You don't even
know my first name.

Yes, we do, it's, um...

Prince.

Lucky guess.

I was over at the carving
station and I thought,

"You know who'd
love some prime rib?

"Principal Prince Brown."

Oh!

Marjorie, I'm afraid
you and I are pawns

in a very sick game being
orchestrated by these two.

They're working very
hard to put us together

and I don't know why.

I never seen them work
very hard at anything,

except getting
out of volunteering.

Hey, to be fair, we
volunteer for plenty of things.

Yeah, and don't you remember me

holding a hose at the car wash?

Yeah, everybody remembers that.

So you're not interested in me?

Well, we've always had
a working relationship,

and I guess I've just never
thought of you in that way.

As a woman?

When I'm at work, I turn
off that part of myself.

Oh!

Um...

It is turned back on.

Oh, I'm going to
check the fire exits.

We're going to stack chairs.

Whatever.

I've got it. We start a
fake marching band,

and give them money for
the instruments up front.

You just described the
exact plot of The Music Man.

How did that turn out?

Won four Tonys.

Five. Ugh.

How could you let this happen?

I don't know. You
were texting me

when I was live streaming
my breakfast and...

Wait a minute. I did say $800.

Look.

Oh my God, this is all my fault.

Well, well, well. Looks like the
dunce cap is on the other foot.

Hey.

Is what an animal
your size grazes on.

Hay is...

You're a cow.

Okay.

You're the perfect
weight for your frame.

Hey. Another proud
moment for the struggle.

Ugh. Here she comes.

Martin Luther Queen. Yes,

by all means, tell me
about the struggle?

Okay, you nasty little twink.

You owe everything to me, and
all the gays that came before you.

It's because of
everything we've fought for,

that you could snark
your way through

high school with
lifts in your shoes,

instead of spending it
terrified, shoved in a locker.

I was really proud of that.

Wow.

Just so you know,

exfoliating with a
dry brush pre-shower,

will really help
you with all of this.

It'll make you look 50 again.

I'm not really proud
of what came next.

You shove like a girl!

What are you doing?

The piper needs to be paid.

You hired a piper? No.

I made a mistake, and I need
to accept the consequences.

Classmates, could I have
everyone's attention please?

I have some troubling news.

I know you all think of
me as the golden boy,

the prodigy, the wonder kid.

Who are you?

Indeed, I'm not
sure I know anymore.

We have a little situation, and
I want to be as upfront as I can.

Hold on a minute. I'm the
president, I should do this.

We need to raise $8,000
for a classmate in need.

If we don't get this money,
he may never walk again.

We're going to
make a Kickstarter.

And if you want
to show your date

you're the kind of
sensitive, caring person

who deserves to be
rewarded in a physical way,

you'll give generously.

Wow, you're a good liar.

I take it back. You
deserve to be President.

We never should have helped
that punk get out of that locker.

I didn't know he was going to
be so brutal about your sweater.

All right, hand it over.

What?

It's a blaze-free zone, wastoid.

I've got eyes all
over this place.

I know what vape is.
Coach, that's just my...

Just your... Hey, Coach.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what's up? Yeah,

I just wanted to let you
know that that's his inhaler.

It's his... Yeah.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just, I give
everything to these boys

and all they think of
me is I'm a pushover,

not even worthy
of a lousy prank.

Cam, have you seen Gloria?

What? Yeah, last time I saw her
she was somewhere over here.

Oh! That was for me. That
was supposed to be for me!

My boys love me.

I just wanted to read my book.

Oh, hi there, I'm Luke Dunphy,
Student Body President.

And I'm Man... But
this isn't about us.

We have a classmate
who's in a pretty bad spot.

But it doesn't have
to end that way.

With your help, we can save
him from getting beaten up.

By his disease. A disease

no kid should
have to wrestle with.

We just need to raise $8,000...

Or $9,000,

to give him that super
deluxe treatment.

We only need eight thou...

I'm Luke Dunphy, and I
approve this message.