Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - The Alliance - full transcript

Ah! Breakfast lasagna.
Great call, honey.

Stay away from it. It's
for everybody tonight.

That's two meals away.

Hello. Hey, Colonel, what's up?

Mommy, could Ivan
come for dinner?

No, senor. 'Cause
tonight the whole

family is coming
over for dinner,

'cause we're going
to vote on where

we're going on
vacation this year.

A vote with a moral stain on it,

since ballots are reserved
for land owning adults.



Because nobody wants to go to
the birthplace of Edgar Allan Poe.

Damn Colonel screwed me
and took his name off my petition.

I'm trying to overturn this
dumb rule the club passed,

banning cigars within
40 feet of the main lodge.

When my country passed a
law that allowed them to draft

14-year-olds you said,
"These things happen."

I just bought a box of El
Conquistador Especiales.

And they deserve to be
smoked in a fine leather chair,

not out by the fountain in
some heavily spidered area.

I don't want this in my house.

Can't smoke at home,
can't smoke at the club.

Maybe Stella has room in her
doghouse. Where is she anyway?

Haven't seen her
since the morning.

I don't know where Stella is.



I think it has something
to do with the shock collar

that I had to put on her
because she kept running away.

Maybe I tell Jay that I
thought it was a necklace.

He was the one who
wanted to pierce her ears.

Hey, sweetie, your
breakfast is on the table.

Huh? What's this? Oh.

Oh, let me guess. The
guy in the cologne ad?

I've named him, it's
Giovanni. He's in love with me.

Well, he's leaving you for me.

I'm sorry, we never
meant for it to happen.

What's that?
Toast. Toast is done.

Those Russian brothers who
are renting the unit upstairs...

Gone.

Because it's already
been 30 days.

Okay? And the
rules are very clear.

I know all about
Squatter's rights, Mitchell.

Why do you always have to treat
me like I'm some irresponsible...

Idiot!

The Russian brothers
wanted one more night.

So I took cash and I didn't tell

Mitchell and now
they won't leave.

We have squatters.

First termites, now squatters.

At least the termites
weren't my fault.

Look at this
beautiful side table

somebody just
left on the street.

Do you need a hand?

No, it's like
ridiculously light.

Flapjacks for mi amore.

Oh, grazie.

Ugh! I don't know what's more
syrupy, you two or Luke's chin.

That's weird. I haven't
had breakfast yet.

You'll have to excuse us.

Your father and I watched a
very romantic movie last night.

Okay, Google, play the
soundtrack to Spaghetti for Pepe.

Playing soundtrack.

Whoa! Watch the new kicks.

What? You have another
pair of new sneakers?

What is that job at
the club paying you?

It's the tips, Mom.

There's this one lady. Hold
the door for her, ten bucks.

Bring her an ice tea with
lemon, another ten bucks.

Best tips I ever made was
when we passed the hat

after a performance of my
improv group "Rule of Three".

We were known for our sketches,

song parodies and
full frontal nudity.

Oh.

Hello.

You are all out of orange juice.

I understand.

I have to go out
for orange juice.

Yes, I understand.

I have to go out
for orange juice.

Mitchell, I have to go
out for orange juice.

Thank you for coming.

I have a problem with Russians.

Being married to
a Pritchett is great.

So great. The best.

But they can be
a tad judgmental.

Almost punitive.

They are monsters.

That's why the three of
us formed a secret alliance

to help each other cover
up our little mistakes.

Like back in December
when I hastily purchased

an expensive prop
for an open house.

Thanks so much for hiding
it. Claire would kill me.

And it's only till Monday
when I can return it.

Don't worry. Ai! Ai!

Hi.

Oh!

Welcome home.
You're so early, right?

Not really.

There is that smile that I love.

Why don't you take me to lunch?

Okay. What happened here anyway?

You get into Joe's
scented markers again?

So now, I have scary Russian
squatters who won't leave.

We'll have a small window
when Mitchell goes to the gym.

He usually stretches, takes
a lap around the locker room

and then gets a smoothie.

You two deal with the Russians,

I'll keep Mitch
distracted. Anything else?

Yes. Our gate is
broken and Stella

keeps getting out in the street.

I bought her a shock collar.

We thought about getting
one when Luke was younger.

Claire ended up just shaking
a can of pennies at him.

It spooked her and she's hiding.

We need to find her before
Jay does and sees the collar.

He has warned me many times not

to get one, because
they are cruel.

All right, we'll deal
with the Russians first,

then come find Stella
before the big vote.

We do not have much
time. We need to go.

I actually ordered a sandwich.

Is Rainer not here yet?

Oh, no, he is.

He signed a headshot I didn't ask
for and then went to the bathroom.

There is his daughter.

I've never met a
boyfriend's daughter before.

I mean, I went out
with Stacey's dad.

But I've known her
since kindergarten.

You're nervous? I mean,
how could this go wrong?

She's a teenage girl.
That's when you peaked.

I know.

I just really like this guy
and I want to be able to show

I can fit into the more
complicated parts of his life.

Hey, princess.

Hey. Hey.

Six people filmed me
argue with that meter maid

and no one caught
this adorable moment?

So, you must be April.

Uh, yeah.

April, tone.

I'll grab a chair. Ooh. Oh.

Sorry, that's work.
Gotta take that.

Anyways, I'm
Haley, your dad's...

Latest?

Yes! Flash flood in the
Mojave. They need me to cover.

The water's already
ramp-high at the senior center.

You know, if a
puppy floats by on

a pizza box, this
could be national.

Oh, snakes! Our day.

I'll just go to mom and Jeff's.

No, no. We're supposed to
get to know each other today.

Um, I can watch you.

Because I'm four?

Ooh, tone? Are you sure?

Yes, girls' day.
We'll meet you later.

Oh, okay. Thank you for
understanding, sweetie.

No problem.

Tragedy strikes. Dozens dead.

Tragedy strikes. Dozens dead.

Tragedy strikes...

And our final order of business
is our entry to this year's

Expo Internationale du
Closet. What do we got?

Okay. So, we all
know that Europeans

prefer strong but simple lines,

which is why I think that we
should go with the Trafalgar.

Interesting.

It's sturdy, dependable.

One the other
hand the Matterhorn

is a chance to shake things up.

Think about what
the Danes did in '02.

Also valid.

It's bold, innovative.

Oh, I gotta take this.

Civil rights issue over at
the club I have to deal with.

Hello.

What's so funny? What
are you laughing at?

It's so cute. How nervous
you are about your first expo.

It's like every time
we threw out an idea

you had to look to see
what your dad is thinking.

I don't do that.

I don't do that at all, Dom.
Maybe you do that with your dad.

Gary won't sign my
petition unless I sign his.

It'll be a cold
day in hell before

that hippie tees
off in flip-flops!

Where were we?

I was just about to
make my decision

between the Trafalgar
and the Matterhorn.

Mmm...

I've got the power
suit, the corner office,

a closet doesn't
get installed in this

town without me
knowing about it.

But one important
decision and suddenly,

I'm this pigtailed little
girl in Mary Janes,

looking to daddy
to tell me I'm smart.

Uh... It's too important a
decision to make right now.

I'm just gonna take the rest
of the day to think about it.

Yeah, but Munich
needs to know by 5:00.

I know, but this
is a tough choice.

Is it?

Hey, I brought your
clothes for tonight.

Oh, thank you,
honey. That's so sweet.

How's it going with...

Your Wi-Fi won't work and this
whole place smells like Cup Noodles.

Mom, this is April.
Rainer's daughter.

Pleasure to meet you.

Hi. So I'm going to
look for a ladies' room.

Do they have those in factories?

Uh, we do, yes. It's
just down the hall.

Just down the hall.

Thanks, Echo.

What's so funny?

Oh, just you, dealing
with a teenage girl.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

Excuse me, I'm doing just fine.

Hey, kiddo.

We gonna see you tonight
for the big vacation vote?

You bet. Mind if I bring
an unbearable teenager?

What's one more?

Listen, I'm going to
run over to the club

and scare up one last
signature for my cigar petition.

Oh! Have you
decided on what closet

for the expo? 'Cause
I was thinking...

No, no, no, no. No, thank you.

I will let you know when
I have made my decision.

Sure. Sandwich looks good.

Does it? Does it
look good to you?

'Cause that doesn't
mean it's good sandwich.

It's not. Matter of fact,
it's not a good sandwich.

All right. See you
guys later tonight.

Uh-huh.

Oh, just do it. Okay.

Luke.

Buddy.

Kevin, was that my grandson
taking off in that sports car?

Yeah, it was.

Quite a spin on that
response. What's going on?

Maggie Braithwaite has work
for him to do around her house.

She's got an eye
for the young ones.

Should I be worried?

She might try and
pressure him a little,

but Luke's a smart kid, right?

Dammit.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I could hear the
Russians upstairs

laughing at democracy.
All right, shall we?

No, I work alone.

If you hear two bodies
hit the floor, it's done.

If you hear three, one
tried to get back up.

Okay.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Phil?

Oh, Mitchell.

Wow, that's crazy.
Is this your gym?

Yeah.

I was just heading
into the post office.

You mind keeping me
company? They're quick.

Well, actually I gotta...
Oh, no, my keys.

I must've dropped them.

Oh, no. Well, I'll help
you check the gym.

You remember what
machines you were using?

All of them.

We scoured that gym.

It actually did take
a crazy long time

because Mitchell
kept getting lost.

But I still needed
a little more time.

Sorry that took so long.

I can't pass up a
library book sale.

I mean a dollar for as many
magazines as you can fit in a car.

Yeah. National Geo...

"Ireland, land of savages."

How old are these?

Hi, honey.

Hey, Phil. I know you already
went to the store for OJ.

But can you go back and
grab some wine for tonight?

You got it. Ciao, bella.

You went out for orange
juice this morning?

That's a coincidence.
Cam did too.

That is a coincidence.
That's really...

Every day I take Joe to a
park in a Russian neighborhood.

We like it there.

I have picked up a few phrases

that the Russian nannies
tell to the Russian kids.

Well, it's pretty simple, Mitch.

You just touch
everything and then,

when the tow truck guy shows up

and sees your dirty paws,
he knows you're a pro.

Also, say fan belt
as often as you...

Mitchell? Mitchell?

Hello? The red
panda's left the zoo.

Red panda?

Mitchell's code name.

I stalled him for as long
as I could. He got away.

Okay. Well, how
much time do I have?

I'm not sure. I
don't really know

where I am. All I can see is...

Oh, there is your house.

What?

Cam. Hi, sweetheart.

Save the southern
charm, Scarlett.

Phil was clearly just
trying to keep me from here.

I lost my keys and
suddenly he shows up.

Does this have something to do
with the thud we heard upstairs?

Mitchell, I say this with love.
But you're coming unhinged.

The suspicions, the accusations,

the mechanical
sexual performance.

Where has Mitchell gone?

Yeah, but I'm not a doctor.

If you think something
is going on upstairs,

by all means,
let's go take a look.

You know, on the other
hand, if I were a doctor,

I would say, "What's up with
all the conspiracy theories?"

It's textbook paranoia.

Everyone's talking about it.

But again, not a
doctor, so, shall we?

Huh?

Well, you know
there are 30 different

ways to say "I'm
sorry" in Russian.

I'm sorry. Maybe I
was being paranoid.

Apology accepted.

And I'm sorry for calling
your love-making mechanical.

I actually really like your shy

school teacher character.

El Conquistador
Especial, my dad's brand.

That doesn't explain
the lipstick though.

No. My dad won't
even wear chapstick.

He says it's the gateway balm.

Grandpa?

Oh, jeez. I knew I should've run

that yellow.
Where is your shirt?

Mrs. Braithewaite wanted
me to move some boxes

and told me to take it
off so it didn't get dirty.

But I kind of feel dirty anyway.

Grab your shirt, we're leaving.

Luke, let's get those dirty
tight pants in the wash.

Oh, hello.

How are you? I'm here to pick
up my barely legal grandson.

I recognize you.

From the club,
right? You're the one

fighting that silly
new cigar rule.

Excuse me, where'd
you put my shirt?

Give us a minute, kid.
It is a dumb rule, isn't it?

It's terrible.

My late husband loved
smoking in the main lodge.

Is that whose cologne
you made me put on?

Hey, hey, boxes, right?

I've got a petition here.

Why don't you read it quick?
You might want to sign it.

Oh, I'm not sure now
is such a good time.

My neck is so...

Luke, get in there. Put
your magic fingers to work.

Mmm! How do you
know my body this well?

Right there on the X.

Oh!

You seem relaxed, I should stop.

Not just yet.

If it will be easier,
just hold the pen

and I will move the
paper underneath.

If I'd known you were this good.
I would've had you do my feet.

He's going to get there.
He's working his way down.

Probably just your
initials will be okay.

You know what? If you don't
mind, I'm gonna sign this later.

Send it home with Luke.

All right, come on. We're done.

Okay, but, uh...

You're definitely
gonna sign it, right?

Definitely. Promise. Bye.

Luke, we should probably get
upstairs and flip that mattress.

Luke, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Your mom needs you home
for your piano lessons. Let's go.

Gotta run, see you.

That took you long enough.

Oh, please, it was an extra ten
seconds, what could've happened?

She asked me to do push-ups
while she put on her wedding dress.

Wow! She jumped right to
the honeymoon handshake.

It has a name?

Don't you and
your dad ever talk?

Okay. We searched
everywhere for Stella. No sign.

Yet. Don't worry, we'll find
her before the gray goat does.

Who? Jay.

Come on, guys. I spent a lot
of time on those code names.

Okay, hurry.

Because he takes a picture of
her every day at the same time,

because he's making a flip book.

Oi, watch out, watch out. I
think Mitchell is looking at us.

I thought I cooled
his suspicions

this morning.
Laugh and disperse.

Hey, Mom, red wine? Oh, thanks.

Grandpa said you'd like it.

Really? Well, who
cares what he thinks?

Just 'cause he likes something
I'm supposed to like it? Unreal.

Mmm, of course, it's gross.

Okay, well, I'll just
take it back then.

No, no. No need
to make a big deal

out of things,
I'll just drink it.

Hey, any word from your dad?

He texted me like two hours ago.

I told him how you
kept the car running

when you got gas and
could've blown me up.

But you told him about
the fun things too, right?

We had that huge cookie.

You spun away from me fast
and then got your hair in my mouth.

What was that for?

My friend Betsy has
an insta about sad stuff.

Oh, I was...

It's okay. I don't judge. I'm
wearing a clear coat on my nails.

Yeah, I know what a chowderhead.

Hey, speaking of
that regional delicacy...

I am not voting to go to
Boston just so we could see

where America's first
ghoul was potty trained.

Care to wipe the
lipstick off my neck

from where you bit my head off?

And why is there
no orange juice?

My mom went out
for some this morning.

Really?

That you find interesting?

Might as well pack
for SeaWorld right now.

Hey, guys. Have you seen April?

Just saw her a minute ago.

She had me posed for some
Instagram thing her friend does.

What is this?

Clothes that don't
come from a mall.

Hold on, hold on. I'm
supposed to be watching you.

I'm going to Betsy's.
My Uber's out front.

Who is this Betsy?

Are her parents even
home? And you're 14!

You're not ubering anywhere.

Also, you can lose the make-up,

because you look like a prostitute
at an electronics convention.

Now go wipe it off
and help set the table.

What? I'm not used to
being all parenty, okay?

No, you did a great job.

Oh, thanks.

I just felt weird 'cause you
were standing right there

and you're like the expert.

Oh, I am hardly
the expert. I still...

I still have my own
stuff to work on. Hmm.

Maybe I shouldn't have
called her a prostitute.

Gotta have fun with it.

Hey, Dad.

I'm sorry that I
barked at you today.

It's just with this
whole expo decision...

I hate feeling like a little girl
that needs her daddy's help.

But I guess there's no
harm in looking to the guy

who's been knocking it out
of the park for 25 years, right?

Nope.

And the best advice that guy
can give you is go with your gut.

'Cause you're good at this.

Thanks.

Thanks and I have
made a decision.

I am going with the Matterhorn.

Huh!

Dammit.

Look who I found.

Thank God. This is the first
time I'm so happy to see her.

Let's get the shock
collar off before he comes.

Hello, guys. There's
my little baby!

You two, take
these in the house.

I got a couple
left in the trunk.

Little help, buddy.

Oh, on the other
side of the gate?

Come on, Phil.

Couldn't they just
circle back around?

Say what? Nothing.

All right, take that.

Oh, mama!

What's wrong
with you? Pick it up.

Yeah, let's do
it. Let's pick it up.

What the hell's the
matter with you?

Why are you making those sounds?

I don't think that's...

When you're done here
come back, 'cause there's more.

Okie doke.

What the hell is that?
Is that a shock collar?

I don't know. But
this is a shocked face,

because I have never seen
something like that in my life.

So you obviously bought it.

I just didn't want Stella
to walk out in the street.

That's what a leash is for.

You're a bad dog
owner. Bad dog owner.

Why did you have it?

Oh, I know why. Because
they're all working together.

Oh, here we go.

You should've heard
his paranoia this

morning about the
Russian renters.

Oh, I'm glad you
brought up the Russians,

because look at what I found.

That's my El
Conquistador Especial.

Gloria took that
from me this morning.

Oh, let me guess. Right before
she went out to buy orange juice.

That's right. Except
for she wasn't.

She was with Cam
getting rid of the squatters,

while I was being
stalled by that man.

They helped me hide a reindeer.

From a year ago?

Who knows how long
this has been going on?

Okay they've been in cahoots
covering up each other's mistakes

before we've even had
a chance to shame them.

Since this little alliance made

a decision to go
behind our backs

maybe we should make
a decision without them.

Like where we're
going on vacation.

What? No!

I like it, I like it. Let's
do this. Let's go vote.

Yup. JAY: Great.

Yep. We got it. We got it.

We've reached a
decision. Drum roll, please.

Close enough.

The family is going to...

Italy.

That's awesome.

That's so awesome, guys.

The cutest part is that
they think it was their idea.

Hmm. What are you making?

I'm making an Italian dish
that Jay's mother used to make.

Breakfast lasagna.
Great call, honey.

Oh, hey, sweetie. Your
breakfast is on the table.

Huh? What's this?

Oh, I've named
him, it's Giovanni.

I'm still thinking about
that movie last night.

You picked a good one.

Only the Italians can make
something that romantic.

Flapjacks for mi amore.

Oh, grazie.

No offense, Dad. But I'm
not sure these magazines

are the treasure trove of
information you thought they were.

What are you talking about?

"Glaciers, now and forever."

"Canada, our mysterious
neighbor to the north."

Don't hate these
photos of the lost tribes.

That's a human head
hanging off her skirt.

Kids, these magazines
harken back to a time

when men had to forage
and fight for his foods.

You guys have it
too easy nowadays.

You can lay around
eating snacks saying,

"Okay, Google, dim
the kitchen lights"

Sure thing.

Go ahead, Dad.

Okay, Google.

Show me a video of a kangaroo,
playing badminton with a pirate.

Sure. Playing on YouTube.

What?