Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 7 - Thanksgiving Jamboree - full transcript

Cameron spares no expense for his Thanksgiving jamboree; Hayley tells Phil she'd rather spend the holiday with her new boyfriend; Jay works to keep his blood pressure down; Alex and Dwight get closer.

Howdy!

Welcome to the
Thanksgiving country jamboree.

Wow. We got the
whole Dunphy clan.

Claire, Phil, Luke,

Alex and who is
this happy farmhand?

I'm Jerry.

Jerry used to live next door.

He's been going through
a brutal divorce for years,

and he was gonna
spend Thanksgiving alone.

Phil thought it'd
be a great idea

if he spent the day with
a happy, functional family.



We couldn't find one
so he's coming with us.

So, where's Haley?

She's with Rainer.

They've been seeing a lot
of each other which is great.

Funny thing is, he was my
friend first but now I never see him.

Or Haley. Phil.

It's what everybody's thinkin'.

I don't want people
walking on eggshells

'cause he was my friend first
but now I never see him, or Haley.

I'm only allowed
to see my children

once a week. I hardly know them.

Oh, well, Clark's
head of the math club,

and Tina's turned
into a bit of a slut.

Thanks for the update. Oh, uh...



Okay, there they are!

Hi!

Don't you all look as pretty as a
peach pie on a Sunday afternoon.

For the love of God, this is
the last thing I need today.

Hey, Flavor Flav, what's
up with the giant watch?

It's my doctor being
a pain in the butt.

One high reading,

I got this thing taking
my blood pressure all day.

Wait, are you okay? No.

He needs to quit cigars
and the terrible food.

Last week, I caught him in the
garage eating a Polish sausage.

What a man does behind his
water heater is his own business.

Don't worry about
it, I've got it beat.

Here's my trick.

As soon as thing goes off,

I start singing sweet '70
soft rock to mellow myself up.

Those songs could do anything.

Seals and Crofts came on.

Ladies bell-bottoms came off.

Well... Hey, y'all.

Anybody have a
hankering for a hushpuppy?

Oh, geez.

♪ Summer breeze
makes me feel fine ♪

What is going on here?

It's a Thanksgiving Jamboree.

We have bales of hay,
we have a cider press.

Ooh, we're even
deep-frying a turkey.

And you're on board with this?

Yes. Come on, it's
good country fun.

No. For Cam, maybe.

What is happening?
Is he hitting you?

No.

You did something, didn't you?

You did!

I didn't do anything.

I'm... I'm loving this, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

It takes practice.

No, I am not leaving here
until you tell me what you did.

Can I get you a mason
jar of Chardonnay?

Giddy up. Yes.

Mr. Student Council President,

have you had a chance
to look at my proposal

updating the honor code
to address cyberbullying?

One second.

Why would you call me that?

Luke somehow beat me
in the election for president,

and I still can't get over it.

Not to be hyperbolic,

but humans are a decade away
from fighting apes on horseback.

You're trying to tell me that

there's absolutely nothing
weird going on here?

You are dressed like a character

out of It's Raining
Mice and Men.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I am enjoying this more
than a farm animal, uh,

missing a limb, engaged in...

Some sort of activity...
Okay, I did something bad.

I knew it. Yeah, yeah,
something real bad.

And I need Cam in a
good mood before I tell him.

Is it infidelity? It
feels like infidelity.

I can't say. CAMERON:
Hey, Mitchell?

It's your turn to feel
the burn on the churn.

Well, then I "butter"
get over there.

Okay, come on.

Hey, Dwight. Ma'am.

So, did they just
happen to have this

costume laying
around in your size?

Weirdly, they did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No.

Dwight has one of the most important
games of his season next week,

and I can't have
you getting him sick.

Yeah, I'm over the mono.

But it could still be contagious

and I have a fun
costume idea for you.

How about being an
old-timey bank robber?

You gotta cover that face
before a marshal gets to town.

Hi. Oh, what happened?

Oh, uh, no, just a
Korean laser peel.

Hurt like hell, but, uh,
once the skin regenerates,

it's gonna take ten years
off these money makers.

Hey, there she is.

Thanks for dropping her off.

Uh, actually, Rainer's
daughter is with her mom.

So, I invited him to spend
Thanksgiving with us.

I am loving this country theme.

This reminds me of when I worked

for Newscenter Twelve in Tulsa,

except no one here
is bitter and drunk.

Gosh, I would hate for
you to feel weird, though,

since this is just for family.

Isn't that our old
neighbor, Jerry,

stuffing appetizers
into his ziplock?

You know what, Rainer, you
are more than welcome to stay.

Thank you.

Okay, well, I guess the main
thing is all the Dunphys are here.

Hey Rainer, what's the weather
gonna be like for tomorrow?

Clear and sunny skies,

high as in the mid-'70s,
but hang on to that umbrella

'cause Monday... Yeah,
I just needed tomorrow.

Because that's when we're
having our big family football game.

Remember last year? HALEY: Mmm.

We ran that play.
The Haley-Mary.

Uh, but tomorrow
we're supposed...

Have sunny weather?
Yeah, you said that.

Rainer is taking me to
Cabo for the weekend.

So, I had a problem.

I wasn't sure if my hair-dryer
ran on Mexican electricity.

Oh, and telling my dad.

I had two problems.

Doctor's call it
"hysterical impotence."

There's nothing
physically wrong per se.

But because of
my divorce trauma,

I guess I am rewired down there.

I get it. CAMERON: Okay.

City slickers, guess who has a
genuine petting zoo in the backyard?

♪ Summer breeze
makes me feel fine ♪

All right!

Wow!

Wow, I love animals!

Oh, Cam, and you had this
scarecrow made to look like Mitch.

No, no, no. My mom
sent that out from Missouri.

I grew up with that. I even
learned how to dance with it. I...

I guess now that you
mention it, I do have a... A type.

Hey, what's on this goat's head?

That's my big idea.

A camera to capture
everyone's delight.

Guess what I call it?

Goat-pro?

It's also a good name, yep.

Ay, look, Joe, this is a goat.

I'm scared.

No, no, no, there's
nothing to be scared of.

That's the way he
says, "I love you."

Of all the animals,
this one is the one

that sounds the most like
an informant being tortured.

I cannot have another
son that is afraid of animals.

When Manny was five,
he went to petting zoo

with a backpack
full of truffle popcorn.

By the time they
pulled the pigs off him,

he was only wearing one sock.

Joe, relax. Animals don't
attack people for no reason.

Let go off me!
Oh, let go off me!

Run, Jerry. They
do terrible things.

Shh!

Hey.

Good news, the box of hair
products we pre-shipped has arrived,

and is waiting for
us at the resort.

I don't care about
our hair anymore.

Hey, that's crazy talk.

I still haven't gotten up
the guts to tell my parents.

My mom will be cool, but
my dad is gonna freak out.

Well, I'll tell him.

Your dad and I are buds.

And I am excellent at
delivering bad news with a smile.

And that means the
coastguards will be

spending the holidays
with their families

because the search
has been called off.

Wow, you're good.

Phil. Hey.

I know we haven't been
spending ton of time together lately,

but I scored this amazing
villa in Cabo for the weekend,

and I want to take
a special someone.

Listening.

I know you have a big
family football game,

but it's right on the water.

Horseback riding on the beach.

I see us both in white shirts.

Phil. Claire, I know.

It sounds like the best weekend

of my life, mi
amigo. But I can't.

It's family time.

He wants to take Haley.

Yeah.

Did you think I was asking you?

What?

Brother can't yank
a brother's chain?

You trippin'!

This guy!

I'll send you some
pictures. Okay.

But not from the
nude beach. Ooh!

Oh, that's funny.

'Cause it's my naked daughter

and you're taking her away.

It's okay.

See, they like it
when you pet them.

And when you
look into their eyes,

you can see that
they are very smart.

They have a very deep soul.

What's his name?

Her name? It is a
goat, just touch it.

I know it's a bummer
Haley going Cabo.

I wouldn't salt those
margarita glasses just yet.

Once I remind her how much
fun Thanksgiving weekend is here,

she's not going anywhere.

Oh, I hope it goes better
than your big presentation

on why the Ice Capades
were cooler than Coachella.

Hey, honey. Hi.

I, uh, heard you had
some tentative travel plans.

Actually, we just checked
in for our flight online.

Thanks for being
so cool about this.

Of course. Mmm.

Mmm.

Potable water.

We take this stuff for
granted state side, don't we?

It's a five-star resort,
I'm sure we'll be fine.

Smell those side dishes,

they're gonna be even better
tomorrow at the post-game picnic.

You know what's not a picnic?

Putting on your bedroom slipper

and getting an
ankle full of scorpion.

Thanks, Dad. I'll
take my chances.

That's what you
said about Coachella,

and you missed Kristi Yamaguchi

doing a triple twist
slip with Jiminy Cricket.

What?

You are not allowed to eat
those with your blood pressure.

Don't worry, these chips won't
show up for a couple of weeks

and by then, I'll have
switched doctors.

Sorry, Gloria's orders.

Hey, Jay, looks like you
could use a little square dance.

That will be about...

♪ Ho! Grab your
partner swing them round

♪ Put on your best
suit and go to town ♪

Cam, why are you...

♪ Eat some corn and ride a horse

Are we having fun?
Why yes, of course ♪

That's it! I'm out of here! Huh?

I need some aspirin. I
am going to a pharmacy.

I'm coming, too.

No reason. Apparently, you don't
need a reason to leave your family.

I'll go too. I'm out of
Ramen and Xanax.

What's happening?

This is what we in
the weather game

refer to as a "high
pressure system."

This reminds me of the time I
walked in on you watching Top Gun.

You need to stop
telling that story.

Whatever you did to Cam,
it can't have been that bad.

And it is not worth this.

Oh, maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm worrying too much.

You are.

I gave Cam's Fizbo costume away.

Oh, my God, he's gonna
kill everyone in the house.

The truck was here and
there were so many boxes

and you know how excited
I get about a deduction.

Listen to me.

He is not going to believe
that this was an accident,

you can never ever tell him.

He... He's gonna
know it's missing. I be...

He pulls it out for everything.

Birthday parties,
brunches, hot yoga.

Blah. Mmm-hmm.

I... I needed to wait
for the right moment.

There's never gonna be a
right moment. He's coming...

Hey, ain't nothing' in the world

that can get me down when
I'm holding' a little piglet.

Look at her.

It's time. Sweetie.

Don't do it.

Don't do what? I need you to

sit down for this. Take a bale.

Think of the
children. Lily, Dwight.

Um...

I gave Fizbo away.

What?

I know how much that
costume meant to you

and I'm so, so sorry.

Well, it's a lot to process.

I know.

Accidents do happen.

And I am holding
a little piglet.

I forgive you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a turkey to deep-fry.

- Here, hold Conny.
- No, I...

Okay.

I married the sweetest, most
understanding man on the planet.

Or, he has done something
even worse to you,

and wants to get
you in a good mood.

No.

Yes!

Hey. You don't have
to cover your face.

I don't care what coach
Cam says about mono.

You're way too pretty.

Aw, no.

I mean, listen, I am flattered,

but even though
you are so, so tall,

I, you are in high
school and I am...

Very beautiful.

I, well, I was going to
say, "in college," but...

Thanks.

Stop it. Oh, my God.

Ugh, Dad is killing me.

He's trying to guilt trip
me out of going to Cabo.

When is he gonna let
me live my own life?

Maybe when you stop
living out of his basement

and eating all of his food.

You're right. I am a victim.

I should get this tiny
mouth wash for Haley.

It's the abandon-your-family
travel size.

Oh, dear God.

I know, corn nuts.

Two for one sale.

I feel like God's giving
me the middle finger.

No, that's my wife's
divorce lawyer.

I can't believe it.

That bastard was my ex's lawyer.

Are you kidding me? No.

I bet he's here to buy
some extra small condoms.

The kind that they
keep behind the counter.

Shut up.

I keep having this dream that
he's dying of thirst in the desert

and I hit him with my car.

I thought you're over
it. I thought I was.

Let's get out of here,
before my cuff explodes.

Yeah, he already
ruined my family.

I don't want him to ruin
my Thanksgiving, too.

Nope.

We're not going anywhere.

It's time someone
stood up to the weasels

who sweep into our lives,

break up our families and
take our loved ones to Cabo.

I feel like you're making this
about you, but you're right.

Do you know when my
high blood pressure started?

When I met that guy.

Is this when someone's
supposed to say, "Get 'em"?

You hold him down.
I'm gonna beat him

with this orthopedic
shoe. Come here!

Let's not lock into
our... Our first idea.

I love you, Mr. Goat.

Aw, you see, Joe.
You listen to Mommy,

and now you have
a new best friend.

What?

You're cold? I'll go
get you a blanket.

If he was going to
get the pig a blanket,

you know what that
would be called?

A pig in a blanket?

Okay, I teed that
one up for you.

All right, it's time
to fry this turkey.

Somebody, please lower
my splatter goggles. Boys.

You heard him.

You do it. You're not the
president of goggle lowering.

I would be if they took a vote.

What could Cam have done?

Maybe he's the one
who's having an affair.

I saw a list of
clues in a magazine.

Has he joined a gym or bought
sexy new underwear recently?

I think it's sweet
that you think

we're capable of
having an affair,

but, but we're
just... We're so tired.

All right now, boys. The key is
you drop it nice and gentle like...

Mono!

Runaway goat!

Ay.

Ay, I think she wanted
to run to the barn.

Aw.

Let me put a
positive spin on this.

Who here likes goat?

Hello, you son of a bitch.

Hope you like that
deodorant 'cause you stink.

Wart remover. Well, if that
works, there'll be nothing left.

Well, well, well.
Norbert and Pritchett.

Jay, I don't think I ever
got a chance to thank you

for buying me my first Ferrari.

I wish you drove it off a cliff.

Like the one my house is on.
Which you also paid for, thank you.

This doesn't sound
like we're getting him.

Look, you want some
free legal advice, fellas?

Three words.

Ladies leave losers.

No, sir, we have
three words for you.

Have you no...

Have you, have no...

Have you no shame?
It can be four words.

Who is this chucklehead?

Someone who you're
never gonna know,

'cause I'm happily
married most of the time.

Aw, that's what they all say.

Then one day, your
wife wakes up and says,

"Oh, my God, I married a moron."

She calls me and I'm
like, "Hello, Mrs. Chuckle..."

Yeah, that's about right.

He might have
had a heart attack.

We probably ought
to do something.

Oh, I saw some
champagne back there.

It's the guy on the ground.

Take the defibrillator.
I'll call 911.

Guys, help me out. I
don't know what I'm doing.

I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy,

but I fast forward through
the non-romantic scenes.

No, no, no! We're
not gonna save him.

Jerry, no, Jerry.
Jay, get him off me!

Look at his basket.

Wasn't much of a life.

Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.

I'm feeling better, Pritchett.
I think it was just gas.

Better safe than sorry.

Aah!

I... I deserve
some of the blame.

I... I made my
farmscape too inviting.

Okay, this is a mess.
What are we gonna do now?

Alex, how many goats have
to die until you get a handle

on your insatiable appetite
for high school boys?

Actually, it's my fault.

Ooh, Dwight, we're good-looking
guys, we don't apologize for it.

I got your blanket, Mr. Goat.

No, no, no, no, no.

We're going to wait for
Santa Claus by the chimney.

But it's Thanksgiving.

What about Mr. Goat? How
come I don't hear him anymore?

Ay, Mr. Goat is fine.

Did you hear that?

What is it Mr. Goat?

He's saying that he needs
some time alone. Hmm.

Look, there's some
cookies for Santa.

Here, why don't you go and
sit by the chimney and wait.

Santa!

Hey, look, it's not my place
to try to parent your kid.

Good. But,

one thing we learn on the
farm is that death is a part of life.

If you tell Joe what
happened to that goat,

death is gonna be
a part of your life.

Okay, you know what, kids can
handle a lot more than you think.

And every step,

from birth till the end has
its own magical beauty.

So, do we jam the goat in the
garbage or heave it over the fence?

Teach your children well.

Hey, thanks for before.

You know, pushing me
out of the way of the goat.

Don't worry about it. It's more
about protecting the office.

Look, I think we both know
you should have been president.

Maybe I've been hard on
you because I'm jealous.

Yeah, okay. You two keep making
out while I carry the dead goat.

Mr. Goat?

Well, any suspicious
activity on that phone bill?

Uh, Cam spent a 100
dollars on a psychic hot-line.

But that's normal during
the run up to award season.

Hey.

I just saw we're running
out of pumpkin dip,

and I know it's your favorite
so I brought you some.

What's your game? Yeah,
show us your underwear.

What? Hmm.

Why are we so understanding
about Fizbo, huh?

What are you hiding? Hiding?

Mmm-hmm. Shame on you.

It's Thanksgiving.

I wanna celebrate with my husband,
my daughter, my lovely family,

Jerry.

I think it's sad that you two
look at life as some sort of game

where everyone's trying
to get away with something.

Some people are just nice.

They bought it.

Truth is, I paid for the jamboree
with money we had saved for

romantic Hawaiian vacation.

I even sprung for fancy straw
bales flown in from Missouri.

That's class.

What the hell happened here?

Uh, I think I felt
enough for one day.

Oh.

It's possible I've been
electrocuted one too many times.

You know, I learned
something today.

I saw a man nearly
die right in front of me.

And this is a
constant reminder that

it can happen to
me at any moment.

It's a lot to think about.

So, I'm not gonna.

Phil, get me a beer.

Jerry, get me a Scotch.

I learned something today, too.

It's a lot right now, Jerry.

Hey.

What's the matter, kid?

I loved Mr. Goat.

He died. Aw.

Please don't smoke.

Hey.

Don't you worry
about a thing, Joey.

I'm not going anywhere.

Dad, I don't care what
you say, I'm going to Cabo.

You sure are.

Sure are gonna get
kidnapped by Aztecs

and sacrificed in
a volcano, I get it.

No, honey, I
want you to go. I...

I'm sorry about
earlier. I was mad,

and instead of talking about it,

I pushed it down and it
came out in some ugly ways,

with my beautiful daughter
and a lawyer who has warts.

Anyway, it's just more and more

of your life is
happening away from me

and it's normal and
good, but it's hard.

Damn it, why do you have to
be so sweet? Now I feel guilty.

Don't. Go to Cabo. Have fun.

You know, I could
play football today.

Run that Haley-Mary.

That would be so wonderful. Oh!

Wow!

Electrocuted again? Real bad.

Okay, let's go. - All right.

Everybody, welcome to the 15th
Annual Thanksgiving Football Game

being played a day early.

I'd be remiss if
I didn't mention

how beautiful it is
that we're all together.

Is it just me or can
you feel the love?

Can we please
do this? All right.

Down!

Set!

Phil, we're good,
right? No, we're great.

You should really take Claire
to this resort. Very romantic.

Blue, 39!

Heart-shaped
Jacuzzi in every room.

Kansas City, Kansas City.

Actually, now I'm great.

Oh, my God, Dad, seriously?

Ah, what a beautiful day.

Oh, I am exhausted.

I am counting down the
days till we're in Hawaii.

Sweetie, I don't know if
you can count that high.

You remember how cool I
was with the Fizbo thing?

Oh, Cam, you spent the Hawaii
money on this party, didn't you?

What is wrong with us?

From now on, can we be
honest with each other, all right?

No more games. Deal.

Hey, Daddies, you look tired.

I made you some grilled
cheese sandwiches. Love you.

Well, there's
something we did right.

Yeah.

I needed them in a good mood.

I kept this from
the petting zoo.