Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook - full transcript

Great.
The karaoke machine.

Thanks, Uncle Mitch.

It's Cam's, and he loves it.

He's never more
than two glasses of wine away

from treating us all
to an impromptu concert.

It's 100 bucks if you break it.

- Really?
- Do you want more?

Who's America's favorite TV mom?

Could it be June...

Cleaver?

That must make me the Beaver.



I can't hear too well.
How hard is Luke laughing?

Don't waste this gold on me.

Get over
to the Hendersons' party,

put your keys in a bowl,
do the Hustle.

Relax.

Your uncool parents

aren't gonna hang
around your party

and make it all lame.

Of course not.
Hey.

I just heard a story about a kid
who had an unsupervised party

and one of the guests
broke his leg

because he jumped off the roof onto
a trampoline and sued the parents.

We have a trampoline.
And a roof.

I need to know
that you're joking.



Mom, I have everything
under control.

Claire, come on!

He's a responsible young man!

Have a little faith in your son.

These are
all the emergency numbers.

That's Fire, Police,
Poison Control, Homeland Security.

You're in charge.

I mean, unless you...
happen to have other plans.

Yeah, let's just pretend
I partied too hard last night.

You're an animal.

- Ugh!
- Hmm?

- Dang it!
- What's wrong?

Is this flower straight?

I don't know.
Oh!

Halloween prank!

That's payback from last year.

A Pritchett
always pays his debts.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

The Friedmans' pool party.

That's what I say.

What is --
Classic.

The old fly
in the plastic ice cube gag.

Very funny!
Very --

No!

Ha, ha!

You're melting!

You're melting!

I did the ice cube.

Well, now you're the one
who's wet.

Not really.
Most of it's on the floor.

Phil, are you okay?

I'm fine. Yeah.

Hey, you know
what the Beaver said

when he slipped in water?

- Damn it?
- Damn it.

Jay, as a Catholic,
I do not feel right about this.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

It's the perfect family costume.

It doesn't even make sense.
Joe should be the Jesus.

Yeah!

"Joe"
short for "Joseph."

"Jay"
short for "Jaysus."

It's the only way
it makes sense.

- But he's the child.
- You're overthinking it.

Huh?
You get who this is, right?

Harriet Tub Man?

Oh, Joyce Carol Floats.

Farrah Faucet,
spelled F-A-U --

Yeah, I get it.

And why are you
only guessing women?

I'm Dalton Trumbo,
blacklisted screenwriter,

wrote in a bathtub.

I'm a little worried that
because of the movie,

a lot of people
will have this costume.

I think you're good.
Nobody going to Luke's party

will ever be able
to figure out that costume.

Yeah, that's why I'm going
to a different party.

You're not skipping Luke's party
to go to someone else's.

There's going to be
a million people at Luke's.

He's not going to care
whether or not I attend.

Manny, is this because Luke
beat you for class president?

Why can't you get over
this devastating humiliation?

Because something
keeps me reminding me.

But it has nothing to do
with that.

Sophie Chambers
is throwing a party

with a much more
sophisticated crow--

You're not going to any party
thrown by any member

of that crooked
Earl Chambers family.

That bastard stole my closet
company right out from under me!

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't say the word "bastard"
when you're dressed like Jesus!

And you --
never turn your back on family.

My cousin Gomez skipped
my other cousin Gomez's party,

and my cousin Gomez felt
completely stabbed in the back.

- Because he --
- Because he was.

Come on. The party's going to be
at Sophie's grandpa's mansion.

It's the social event
of the season.

You're going to Luke's!

That's not fair!

You heard your mother!
You're going to Luke's!

- You're going to Earl's.
- What?

You're gonna put dead fish
in his shoes.

And I'm gonna cover for you
if your mother gets suspicious.

Where am I going to hide fish?

You're in a bathtub!

- Happy Halloween! Thank you.
- Happy Halloween.

- They just took one, right?
- Yes.

How much candy
do we have to hand out

before I go
trick-or-treating?

Can't I just take a knife
and go by myself?

No!

No one would mess with me.

I told you she was too young
for "West Side Story."

- Hmm.
- W-What are you doing?

What? It's my one and only
candy bar for the night.

No more Snickers.

If you don't want to hear
any more snickers

then don't pretend
that's your last candy bar.

Cam doesn't react well to candy.

Which is why I never eat it.
Except on Halloween.

And I admit, in years past,
I may have overindulged.

Which leads to a crazy high

followed by a tearful,
self-loathing crash.

It's a Days of Red Vines
and Roses.

Trick or treat!

Yep, just take one.

I know that laugh.
Not this year.

Drop it.

You're crazy.

Yeah, crazy for justice!

And just because
you're dressed like a villain

doesn't mean
you have to act like one!

Oh, my God.
Can you believe that?

Yes, a 9-year-old kid

wanting extra candy
on Halloween.

Oh, it is baffling.

Speaking of 9-year-olds
wanting candy on Halloween...

Okay, just a second, honey.

Cam, maybe grabbing a kid's arm

is where we draw the line.

I think I read that
in every single law book.

This sounds like something we could
be talking about on the sidewalk.

Okay, just a second, honey.
You know what, Mitchell?

That same little jerk grabs
a handful of candy every year.

He's my Halloween nemesis.

There is a social contract.

You say "trick or treat,"
you get one piece of candy.

That breaks down, we're
just a hop, skip, and a jump

to a lawless wasteland where we
use beads and teeth for money!

That was your first candy bar,
you say?

You think maybe
you should have a little protein

to balance that out?

I don't need any protein.

Oh!

I feel like the universe
is telling you differently.

Who did that?!

He went that way! Past all
the houses handing out candy!

I'm on it!

No, see, his name is Joe.

Yeah, but wouldn't the child
be Jesus?

I got to take this.

Tell her what we're doing
with this.

My husband is going to hell

and he's trying
to take us with him.

Hello?

Okay, I'm in Earl's bedroom.

Do you want me
to show you his shoes

so you can pick which ones
I shove fish into?

Follow your heart, kid.
Wait a minute. What's that?

What?

That picture
on the wall behind you.

What is that?
Let me see it.

David Soul played Hutch
in "Starsky and Hutch."

Now, one of my groovier
closet ideas

was a hutch for your skis

that latched onto the end
of your closet.

I called it
the "Storeski End Hutch."

David Soul gave me
a signed picture.

Well, one day,
the picture disappears

and Earl plays innocent.

But the whole time, he's had it.

Ironically, this would've been

a great episode
in "Starsky and Hutch."

Steal that picture!

But what about the fish?

Forget the fish!

Oh, so, for no reason,

I've just been carrying around
this red herring?

I want that picture.

You want it, you steal it.

I still have some self-respect.

- Gloria, you won't believe this.
- What?

That was Claire.

Manny never showed up
at Luke's party.

They think he went to Sophie's.

So disappointed in him.

I know, and I hate
to drive over there

and drag him to Luke's,

but I know better
than to try to stop you.

I feel bad
about embarrassing him,

but I was very clear about this.

Well, maybe next time
he'll... get the picture.

Why did you just chuckle
like that?

Nothing.
The -- The beard tickles.

Come on, I'll drive.

- Here you go.
- Sorry I forgot that, buddy.

I would have grabbed it myself,

but we were trying to respect

the whole "no parents" thing.

Also, how would it look
if I went into your party

looking for some tail?

I'm gonna reuse that later.
Act surprised.

Yeah.

Hey, honey.
How's it going in there?

Huh? Oh. Awesome.

Yeah, I got to go.

I know you were going to say

that I'm being a neurotic,
overly protective mom, but I --

I saw that, too.
Something's up with Luke.

You think he's in over his head?

I should check on him.
Should I check on him?

I should check on him.

You are never sexier
than when you out-crazy me.

Don't let anyone see you.

I am way a...

...head of you.

Aah!

Shh! I'm not a real beaver!
It's me -- Dad!

Ugh.

What are you doing?

I just wanted to make sure
everything's okay.

Luke seems upset.

Where is everybody?

Are people upstairs?
I said nobody upstairs!

Nobody's upstairs.
Nobody's even downstairs.

They are literally
like five people here.

Oh!

Hello, my dearest.

Ugh.
Well, four, and Reuben.

I see your costume

is The Most Beautiful Woman
in the World.

Shut up, Reuben.
You make everything terrible.

And we're off.

Don't flatter yourself!

Just because
I'm alone on Halloween

doesn't mean
I don't have plenty of suitors!

Last week, an Uber driver
asked to see my feet!

Reuben, are you listening
to me?!

Reuben!

One last one.

Good. 'Cause you're vibrating
right now.

With rage --
Not sugar, rage.

Hello.
Excuse me. Hi.

Have you seen a little brat
about this tall

dressed as Darth Vader?

Throws eggs.
Laughs like this --

He-he-he-he-he-he!

Find him yourself.
You're Batman.

That one's on my list.

I don't think
there's any more room.

I'm gonna go throw away
these apples

and make space for more candy.

Cam, I feel terrible
that you got hit with an egg,

but you're ruining the night
for Lily.

Do you have to nurse
every single grudge?

- I don't do that.
- Are you kidding me?

You have more archenemies
than the actual Batman.

How about that sales lady
who helped you with the scarf?

She implied my neck
was the problem.

The Spanish teacher
you've been working with?

He calls me "locos frijoles"

like I don't know
what that means.

- It's "crazy beans," right?
- Yes, it is.

Oh, and don't forget about
Andrew from your old choir.

He stole my piano key scarf,
which is why I had to go

into the stupid scarf store
to begin with!

Okay, you know what?

Maybe I do have an overdeveloped
sense of justice.

- Thank you.
- But maybe I wouldn't...

if my partner took my side
every once in a while.

I take your side
when I agree with you.

That's easy.
Anybody can do that.

Marriage is about sticking up
for your partner,

even... when you don't agree
with him.

Is it?

Do you remember last week
at lunch

when they brought you
regular fries

and you insisted that you
ordered sweet potato fries?

Well, guess what.

You ordered regular fries.

No, I didn't.
You absolutely did.

And I stuck up for you
because I love you.

And because you love
sweet potato fries.

- Hey, Dad.
- What?

There's that kid you hate.

Holy Halloween.
There he is.

Hey! You! Stop!

No.

He's getting away!

Ow!

Stupid cape!

Oh, poor Luke.
He must be crushed.

It's not as easy to pack
a high-school party

as it was in our day, Claire.

Apparently, it's no longer cool

for kids to invite
teachers or parents.

It makes my heart hurt.

I mean, people like him,
don't they?

Why wouldn't they?

He's by far the most likable
of all our children.

Then why didn't anybody
come to his party?

Because they're all
at Sophie Chambers' party.

- Who?
- A kid in Luke's class.

I'm Facebook friends
with her brother

'cause he used to sell me
wee-gs. Wigs.

That's how he pronounces it.
He's British.

When are you guys
gonna talk, huh?

Luke worked so hard
on this party.

He made his own costume,
did all the decorations.

He even thought he hid
that bottle

of Peppermint Schnapps
under his bed.

This is the kind of thing

that could ruin
his first senior year.

Wait! I can help!

Are we forgetting
what I do for a living? Huh?

Uh, we remember.

You... pretend to be friends
with celebrities.

So you can sell
h-- hats?

I'm a promoter.

I can go to Sophie's
and talk up Luke's party.

- In an hour, it'll be packed.
- Great!

While you do that,

I'm gonna get the party started.

What -- No, no.

A dad hanging around
will only make that party lamer.

Um, a dad, maybe.

But not Rod Skyhook, yo!

The coolest
new transfer student ever!

Oh, wait.

What do cool kids
call girls nowadays?

Bettys? Shawties?

Don't worry.
There are none in there.

Okay.

What, what? Whoo!

♪ Doobie, doobie, do, Ba ♪

♪ Doobie, doobie ♪

I'm glad my hypoglycemia

doesn't prevent me
from filling up on eye candy.

Sorry.
I can't hear you.

I'm listening to a message

from the sexiest professor
in the physics department.

Let's just say he got drunk
after a symposium last year

and asked me to wheel him home.

Thanks for inviting me
to your party, brah!

Sweet jams.
Where are all the fillies at?!

- Dad?
- Dad?

I'm Rod Skyhook --
recent transfer student, yo!

What's that knockin'?

Oh, it's me,
about to get this party rockin'!

Oh, God.

It's all good
up under the hood, biznatches!

Pretty soon, every kid in here's
gonna call everyone they know,

tell them to get
their butts down here.

You want to gas up
the foot traffic --

- I'm not inviting parents.
- Your party, broseph!

Sorry, Jack.

I'm gonna need some beats!

Rambo?

No, Trumbo.

Dalton Trumbo.
He wrote in the bathtub.

Why?

Maybe, as a screenwriter,

he knew he was going
to take a bath on the back end.

You smell like fish.

Oh, my God, you guys.
This party's such a snore.

I should have stayed
at Luke Dunphy's party.

That was going off!

Isn't he the guy that ate
a jar of mayonnaise

for a dollar?

Probably 'cause he's a wild man.

That's why his parties
are always insane.

Look, it's really exclusive,

but I could probably
get you guys down on the list.

Really?
Who's there?

Uh, just everyone.
Luke... Rod Skyhook.

Haley D!

Oh!

Griffin. Hey.

What are you doing
at my sister's party?

Oh, nothing. Just --
Just something for my mom.

Wow, it's so good to see you.

You, uh, still
in the sales industry?

Guilty.

How guilty?
That is a costume, right?

Yeah. I went legit.
I work for a dispensary.

I deliver.

Oh, my God!

I forgot how much I like you.

- Did you say Dumbo?
- No, Trumbo. Little background.

In the 1950s, a certain senator
from Wisconsin

named Joe McCarthy --

Hey! Let's dance!

Oh, okay.

Mom?

You said that you
were going to Luke's.

Yeah, but Jay said --

Don't you say a word, mister!

I will deal with you later.

Jay said I could come
to the party

if I put dead fish
in Earl's shoes.

Where does he come up
with this stuff?

Are you lying,
dressed as our Lord and Savior?

What is that?
Did you steal that?

No. I've had this with me
all night.

You're lying again!

Manny, don't stand next to him!

Pritchett!

- Ay!
- Aah!

Look what you did!

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

We're just leaving, Earl!

That Soul is mine.

Ay!

Give it back!

When Hell freezes over!

- Argh!
- Ahh!

As soon as they stop
fighting about whatever

stupid new thing that
they're fighting about,

we're getting the car
and we're going to Luke's.

I'm not really in the mood
for another party.

Well, I wasn't in the mood
to insult God tonight,

but the Bible also said,
"Listen to your husband."

I'm very tense about this, so don't
fight me! And get in the car.

I won't fit in.

We'll take this bathtub
and put it in the roof.

No. I won't fit in
at the party.

Nobody gets me, Mom,

and I'm starting to worry
nobody ever will.

Who cares that the kids your age
don't get you?

That means that you're
more interesting than them.

That means that you're gonna be
hanging out around people

that are more interesting.

- You're gonna have a more inter--
- Interesting life. Yes, I know.

I've been hearing this speech
since I was 5.

When's it gonna happen?

Jesus has the devil
in a headlock.

That's not interesting to you?

No!

This is mine!

I'm the one who came up
with "Storeski End Hutch."

Just like I came up with the
"Dr. Quinn Medicine Cabinet."

You were the hack!
I was the visionary!

I saw my reflection
and I asked myself --

What would Jesus do?

It's time to be the bigger man.

This isn't over, Pritchett.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Wh-- What
are you saying?

This has gone on too long.
The lies, the anger.

And what I left
in your sock drawer tonight.

What?

Keep the picture, Earl.
I forgive you.

It's gonna drive
that son of a bitch crazy.

Haley.

I have been waiting
for over an hour,

and not a single person
has left this party.

Oh, my God, this is
the best sushi I've ever had.

For the first time,
I can taste the yellowtail

from the sea
and then the rice from the land,

then back to the sea
for the seaweed.

Looks like you did more
than just seaweed.

Mom, you're beautiful.

Does Dad tell you that enough?

I would hate to see

- a cleaver in your head for real.
- No. Honey.

- Sarah?
- Mrs. Dunphy.

Is that a beer?

It's not mine.
Please don't tell my parents.

That's when I realized

I didn't need Haley
to undermine a party.

I just needed
to drop the Mom-bomb.

Don't you two look cozy.

Remember, it's not easy
raising a baby by yourself.

Oh, look at that!

That's a fun way
to serve Jell-O.

Let me get a pic for your moms.

No? Come on!

Okay. Ooh!

Isn't that better?

Now we can all see
and hear each other.

Nice, huh?

You got
a little something --

Who are you, and what are you
doing at my party?

Just making sure everybody's
having a good, clean, safe time.

Somebody's talked to you all
about herpes, right?

Let's just go
to that other kid's party.

You know, I made out
with Rod Skyhook once.

He's obsessed with me.

Hey, remember last week when
we all had lunch together --

You ordered the regular fries
and Daddy lied for you.

Damn it.

Wait. There he is.

Darth Vader! Freeze!

Okay.

Hey, there, fellas.

You're a little old, aren't you?

Your son --
He hit me with an egg.

No, I didn't!
And he yelled at me.

Whoa, whoa.
You yelled at my son?

He took a handful of candy
and laughed.

He does it every year.

So?

So...

...how does it feel?

Well, it feels like you took
about 17 cents worth of candy.

He said he didn't egg you.
Are we done here?

He's lying.

No, I'm not.

Look, buddy.
I don't know who egged you,

but I can understand why.

A kid takes a little extra candy
and you chased him home?

He's 9.

How old are you, Batman?
50?

What kind of person does that?

I will -- I will tell you
what kind of person.

Someone who believes
in a civilized society,

who believes that the future
of our country

depends on the lessons
that we teach our children.

"What kind of person," sir?

A hero.

I didn't do it!

Oh, come on.
We heard you laughing!

'Cause the blonde lady
with an Axe in her head

threw an egg at you.

- Blonde lady?
- Axe?

That squirting flower
really yanked my chain.

Could not go unanswered.

Oh! Close enough.

Who did that?!

He went that way!

Well, that was embarrassing.

No, it wasn't.

It was magnificent.

You stood up for me.

Sometimes I just feel
like it's me versus the entire world.

It's just nice to know
that we really are a...

a dynamic duo.

All right.
Now we play candy crash.

Okay.

Give me some space, son.

That's how we do, sucka!

Is it just my imagination,

or is Dad actually saving
your lame party?

Is it just my imagination,

or is Reuben's makeup
on your chin?

I have a problem.

Oh! Sorry.

Oh, okay.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

This is the most a girl's
danced with me all night.

I love your Dalton Trumbo.

Thank you, Dorothy Parker.

You're the first person tonight
who's actually gotten that.

I know how that feels.

Yo, yo, yo!

Awesome rager
on the ground floor!

Upstairs off-limits!

Backyard, too,
'cause it just got re-sodded!

What's up, buddy?

Typical high-school idiot.

I fear for this country.

Well, I think it's safe to say
that things here

are appropriately
out of control.

Oh, yeah -- Oh, wow.

And I think you might have
lost your deposit on that thing.

Hmm.

How come you never tell me
I'm beautiful anymore?

- Oh!
- Damn it.

Oh, just let me
throw already.

Hey, gorgeous!

Look what I
turned this water into.

Jay, enough.
Halloween is over.

Come on. The night is young.
Why don't we go begat it on?

I'm not going to fool around
with someone dressed like Jesus.

Gloria, you're being silly.

Am I?

I once dated a guy named Jesús.

There was no harvest that year.

Is that the same year
your uncle got drunk

and planted marbles?

Who do you think
made him do that?

Gloria, all due respect,

I think the big guy
has better things to worry about

than two sexy,
you know --

I'm gonna change into something
a little more secular.