Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - Weathering Heights - full transcript

Oh, thank God.
I smell coffee.

This morning has gotten off to a bit of
a Rocky Horror Picture Show.

What did you do to your face?

Just a little color
to make my eyes pop.

Like... yours are now.

Is this how we find out
you're transitioning?

Oh, please don't
pick a young name.

The world doesn't need
a 50-year-old Jasmine.

Trust me, this'll look
completely normal on camera.

This just in --
I'm gonna be on the news.

They're doing a segment
on the real-estate market,



and I'm their local expert.

Back to you, Claire.

I'm still reeling from the last
time you were on the news.

And while people
have found all sorts of ways

to beat the heat,
one local man is using his head.

Is it warm out?
I hadn't noticed.

Oop. Looks like I need
to re-apply.

To clown college?

Haley, go with him.

Make sure he gets
all that stuff off his face.

I'll pack paper towels
and a squeegee.

Ugh. What is wrong with me?
I feel so fuzzy.

Oh, stop being so hard on
yourself. It's just arm hair.

I can't figure out this
crossword puzzle.



I -- I think mono
turned my mind to mush.

What's the clue?
Maybe I can help.

Thanks, Mom.
Feels good to laugh.

What is so funny?

I am a well-read
college graduate.

I think I'm capable of
doing a crossword puzzle.

Okay, professor.

Six-letter word,
Archimedes' exclamation.

I don't like you right now.

Ugh. Why can't I get this?

Archimedes' exclamation.

Eureka.

We may never know
the answer to that clue,

but it made me realize
this was my chance

to finally beat
Alex at Scrabble.

I have never beaten her.

She's not the nicest winner.

I win, you lose!

♪ I win! I win!
You lose! ♪

Win, win, win,
win, win, win, win!

Lose, lose, lose, lose, lose!

- Thank you for bweakfast.
- You're welcome, sweetie.

Did you hear that?
"Bweakfast."

It's a good thing that we're
taking him to speech therapy.

I want everybody to understand
every single thing he says.

Do you want
marmalade on your brioche toast?

Not a clue.

You're probably right to nip
that speech problem in the bud.

Mitchell had a lisp
we let slide.

Now we got a lifetime
of "What if?"

That is so offensive.

A lisp doesn't make you gay.

Being gay makes you lisp.

Well, I finished the video
for my Juilliard application.

I think they're
going to be blown away.

Art school, huh?
Well, you can always

sell oranges
by the side of the road.

Don't listen to him.

Go to your art school,
be a playwright.

Thank you.

You can live here
as long as you want.

♪

♪ How does an artsy, well-read,
child of divorce ♪

♪ A Columbian dropped ♪

♪ In the middle
of a forgotten plot ♪

♪ In suburbia
with confidence and -- ♪

You copied that from that
play "Hamilton," right?

I'm not sure "copied"
is the word.

It's more of an homage.

Well, I homaged it about
two weeks on "Jay Talking."

You saw that episode, right?

- Okay.
- I rhymed "rice pudding"

with "Cuba Gooding."

Both delicious, by the way.

Oh, good God.

There are thousands
of "Hamilton" parodies,

and half of them
are college applications.

It's okay, Papi.
Maybe the people in New York

haven't heard
about "Hamilton."

The deadline for
early admission is tomorrow.

I'll never come up with
something great by then.

Yes, you will, and I'll help.

You'd do that for me?

Anything for you, kid.

I got to get this kid
out of the house.

All his crazy quirks.

The farther away, the better.

I keep leaving brochures
around for schools at sea.

All right, carb up, buddy.

Tackle these pancakes

like it's fourth and goal
on the one-yard line.

Good one, Coach.

Life's more fun when you put
stuff in football terms.

Pancakes, yay!

Oh, uh, we're actually
out of those.

You can have the rest.

No, no! We put some
performance supplements in there

that could mess with
you as a lady.

What else is there?

Well, I'm going to
the store later.

In the meantime,
you can have some fruit.

That's real? I thought
it was just for show.

My star player Dwight
has been living with us

ever since his father

was transferred to
an army base in Florida.

He's doing his part
for our country,

so I thought I could do
my part for our team.

Who's to say who
the bigger hero is.

I will. He is.

I've had to wake up a half hour
earlier to use the bathroom --

The soldier is the hero.

Ugh.
What are we gonna do?

Oh, sweetie, I know.

- Ready to go?
- Yes! Yes!

Dwight and I are going shopping.

He's gonna help me pick out
some cool new kicks.

Like Richard Gere taking
Julia Roberts to the store.

That is right. We watched
"Pretty Woman" last night.

I guess that would've been
my window to eat something.

Okay, hold still.
You have very deep-set eyes.

In college, they called
my "The Raccoon."

Although, that could've been
because I climbed in

through the doggy door
at Zeta house and stole a pie.

My God.

I'm beautiful.

Honey, you could do this
for a living.

I have thought about it.

I've been practicing on
people since Luke was 3.

Mo-o-o-o-ther nature.

You're not gonna believe
who's behind you.

- Rainer Shine!
- Who?

The weatherman.
Don't you watch the news?

Yeah, at the gas station.

He's coming this way.
Just...

Whoa, careful now.

There's a stipulation
in my contract --

I have to be
the best-looking guy here.

Stop it.

Rainer Shine.

It's, just,
s-so nice to meet you.

That isn't your
real name, is it?

Ow, I'm not letting you
behind that curtain.

That's my name,
and these are my teeth.

My name's Phil Dunphy.

I'm doing a little
real-estate segment.

Could become a regular thing.

This is my make-up
artist/daughter, Haley Dunphy.

It is a pleasure.
You know, I think

you sold my neighbor's
house -- Doris Jacobs.

Uh, white, mid-century,
big back porch?

That's her.

I need to wash my hands.
Where's the restroom?

Oh, of course.
You're gonna want to

go down that hallway, push
through the big double doors.

You're gonna see some
air vents on the way there.

It's just past
that cold-air system.

Bring a sweater.

It tends to get a little chilly
in that neck of the woods.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Nice shooting the breeze
with you, Phil.

You too.
Hey, uh, listen.

This might be kind weird,

but would you ever
want to grab a beer?

Sure.
Sounds like fun.

All right!

Here you go. Oh!
C-- call me three times.

I'm kidding.

Just call me once.
Tonight -- if you're around.

I'll see if I can squeeze
you into my 10-day outlook.

Okay.

Do meet your heroes.

What have you got?

What says to Juilliard,
"I'm your guy"?

I look straight
into the camera and say,

"Molière, Beckett, Delgado."

Yes, it's bold
to include my own name,

but so is the sheer act
of putting pen to paper.

You're kidding, right?

Why? What's wrong?

It's smug and privileged
and precious.

No art school's gonna want that.

Okay. How about this?

We open on
a blank sheet of paper.

Under a Mozart fugue,
we suddenly see a drop of blood.

Is it the admissions committee
slitting their wrists?

Fine.

The year is 18--

No! You're on
the wrong track here.

They're gonna get
a million applications

from artsy little snots.

You've got to stand out.

When everybody else zigs,
you've got to zoink.

Isn't it "zag"?

Exactly.

Hi. We're back.

I don't know what this is,
but I love it.

There's mud out front,
so Dwight insisted.

Apparently, they're not cool
after you get them dirty.

Oh!

Last night, we also watch
"An Officer and a Gentleman."

Yeah, he lift me up
where I belong.

- Okay.
- Knock, knock!

Yeah.
Hi, Ms. Pasternack.

I got to go meet some friends.

- I'll see you guys later?
- Okay. Be careful, Dwight.

Here. I brought by
some more liquor bottles

for Lily's project.

Wha-- wh--
What project?

I don't know.
I caught her going through

my garbage, and she said
she needed liquor bottles.

Well, that's weird.

Anyway, tell her I'll have
a couple more for her tomorrow.

Okay. Bye-bye.
Take care.

She can't baby sit anymore.

What project?

I don't know.

We've got a problem here.

Look what I found
under Dwight's bed.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Yeah, it's too bad.

He brought such a great
energy to the house.

Mitchell.

I just need a minute
to process this.

But the bottom line Karen is

your viewers should work
with a realtor they can trust.

Someone they can
look in the eye.

Boop!

I'm confused.
You want me to see that?

Well, someone there said
I was a real natural.

I can't remember who it was.

Oh, that's right --
Rainer Shine.

The cheesy weatherman?

No, the award-winning
meteorologist.

He's the recipient of
back-to-back Golden Showers.

That cannot be
the actual name --

- It's their Oscars.
- Oh.

Anyway, I gave him my number.

He called.

- We're grabbing drinks tonight.
No big deal. - I agree.

Please. We both know
it's a super big deal.

I am happy that you have
a new friend.

Be good to have some guy time.

Yeah. Well...

My makeup.

I have, like, three D's.

Well, it's better than
any report card

you ever brought home.

What are you guys doing?

Skydiving.

Ugh. I see where
he gets it from.

Wake me when it's my turn.

I thought I could finally
beat her because she's sick.

I just want her to lose so bad.

Yeah. So do I.

Cheating?

Are we really doing this?

That smug sister of yours
needs to be taken down a peg.

Ooh! Peg.

Think bigger.

Pegs.

Okay, Joe, repeat after me.

Red rover, red rover, red rover.

Wed wovah, wed wovah, wed wovah.

Okay, now I want you to try it

with a big smile on your face.

Red rover, red rover, red rover.

Oh.

I am sorry.
It's just sometimes I feel

like my accent gets a little

and it's gonna

rub off on Fulgencio Joseph.

Well, you shouldn't
blame yourself,

if that's what you just said.

I actually have some
exercises that can help you.

Like
Betty bought a bit of butter,

but found the butter bitter.

Betty bought a bit 'a bootie,

but da bootie bittah.

Uh...

This is a pretty bad
neighborhood, Jay.

This is the story
that we're telling --

Scrappy young kid,
born into poverty

with the deck
stacked against him.

I have a calligraphy tutor.

Hop out.
I want to start shooting.

Hey, you're staying in car?

I'm gonna drive
alongside and film you.

Go ahead.
It's perfectly safe.

Hey. Did you just
lock the door?

The car does that automatically.

Here.
Try on this hair net.

Isn't this a little
over the top?

Was "Stand and Deliver"
over the top?

Yes, it was.

Fine, then act angry,
like you're sick of

taking orders
from the white man.

Yeah, that I can do.

Walk along that wall,
read from your script.

Go.

Hola!

"Welcome to the streets
I call home.

It's tough out here,
so I've had to be tougher.

Because in a place where
violence is currency

and pain
is your best friend..."

Okay, this is embarrassing.
Please don't shoot this.

You're doing good!

Hey, pretend like
you're climbing over the wall,

in case we want to say
this is Mexico.

Not gonna happen.

Fine.

Here's some spray-paint.

Bubble letter me
something about gringos.

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Oh, Officer.
Is there a problem?

I'm here to arrest
Dwight Bullock

for underage drinking.

We wanted to give Lily a chance
to come clean on her own.

Luckily, we have
a friend of a friend

who dresses as a cop for work.

He also undresses
as a cop for work.

Remember, just act upset, okay?

Okay.

Dwight Bullock.

I have to arrest you.

You've been a bad boy.

But I didn't do it!
I'm innocent!

I don't know how that bottle
got under the bed!

Now we're gonna
take it down a notch.

Hold out your wrists.

I've got to take you downtown.

Dwight, I am very
disappointed in you.

There's no more football.

No more school.

Lily, is there anything
you'd like to say to Dwight

before he's taken to jail.

I guess.

Martha Stewart said
she used the prison time

to work on herself.

That is enough! W-w-we know you put
the bottle under Dwight's bed.

You owe him an apology
this minute.

It isn't fair!

He eats everything,
he's always in the bathroom,

you're watching movies
with him, shopping with him.

And you two don't even
love me anymore!

- Lily!
- That is not --

Lily, honey!

Do you have the keys to these?

I usually let the person who
hired me find it in my pants.

Well, if that
is the custom, I --

Mitchell.

Oh, my God.
Again?

Small bladder, big brain.

That's why we're tied.

I need a "T,"
an "L," and a "W."

"T," "L"...

Hopefully she's too sleepy
to notice that she got

three W's on her board.

Also, can I take a pee?

Yeah.
Coming right up.

- Hmm.
- Something wrong?

I texted Rainer,
like, three hours ago.

He hasn't responded.

I'm sure he's just
playing hard to get.

It's just weird. We had
such a great time last night.

I bet he's busy.

He's a weatherman
in southern California.

He has to be ready in case

temperatures plunge
below 70 degrees.

For your information, there is
a wind advisory tonight.

In fact, I'm gonna
go take down my chimes.

Whoa!

- Oh.
- Not him?

No. I sold a house.

He's probably
just having dinner.

He could be on a date.

Apparently,
he's quite the player.

Makes sense. That could
charm the pants off --

What the what?!

Hey, Dad.

There he is!

What is happening?

Why are you kissing him?

He dropped some
serious cash at dinner,

so I figured, what the hell?

And you.
How could you do this?

Do what? Actually,
I'm -- I'm taking it

kind of slow because
she's your daughter.

Yeah, she is,
and she's half your age.

You're despicable.

Oh, come on. Now, listen.
Hi. Claire.

Rainer, come in.
We'll just talk this out.

I would like that because
I -- I don't quite understand --

What friendship means?

Look, Phil, I --
I want to figure this out,

but right now, I have to
get to Chavez Ridge

- and cover this wind event.
- Mm.

You know what?

We're not friends.

Go.

Get...

Phil?

You're being ridiculous.

You really want to leave
things like that?

From now on, we're getting
our weather from Tricia Tazaki!

Fred fed Ted bread.

Ted fed Fred bread.

What am I looking at?

Joe's doctor gave me some
sp-heech exer-cises

to help me speak
more clear-ely.

The problem is I fee-ear

I have forgotten
how I used to talk.

Well, if it's any consolation,
this isn't any worse.

Manny!
Check this out.

I think I took a stab at
finishing your video essay.

In a world divided
into the haves and have-nots,

a boy was born.

It's tough out here,
so I've had to be tougher.

On the streets,
you can't trust anyone.

Even your closest compadre
could turn on you.

Please don't shoot!

Every day was
a battle for your s--

I can't send this to Juilliard.
It's all lies.

That's right, Manny.

Do not change who you are
or you will lo-o-ose

what makes you spe-cial.

Am I still do-ing it?

They're not all lies.

I hear you the stories
you two tell about

the neighborhoods you lived in,

growing up on
the passenger seat of a cab.

Sure, I put in what
we professionals call "sizzle,"

but this is a part of
who you are.

And it's a lot easier
to root for

than a kid who insists that
72% of his chocolate is cocoa.

It's "cacao."

I believe that
that is his point.

What was that?

How about I ask the questions.

When did you two set up
this little rendezvous?

While I was killing it
on the air?

He called me today.

How'd he get your number?

He said you gave it to him.

That lying sack --

Uh-oh.

Anyway, I dated
my makeup girl for a while,

but, uh, then
she had to leave town.

Oh. Wow. Well, if -- if
it's not crossing a line,

can I give you my daughter
Haley's number?

- Really?
- Yeah, she's available,

and she actually
expressed some interest.

Well, I'm definitely interested.

Well, then
let's make this happen.

- Phil Denphy, you are the best!
- No.

I thought it was about
a makeup job.

I like him.

He's a good guy.

No, he's not.

He's a great guy.

Dad, run to him.

Claire, I'm going out!

Uh...

Admit it, it's over.

I'm ahead by 50 points,
and you have two tiles left.

There's got to be something!

I -- ugh --
Why can't I see it?!

Six months ago, I was at
Caltech, and now -- ugh -- work.

Relax, honey.

It's just a game.

What if it's more than that?

What if mono permanently
changed my brain?

I've always defined myself
by my intelligence,

and if that's gone, who am I?

A loser.

Luke! No!

We cheated.

Luke and I messed with
the tiles.

- What?!
- Yeah, it's just that,

you're the smartest one
in the family,

and you always rub it in,

and it doesn't
make us feel good.

Wow.

I am so sorry.

I feel terrible that I've been
making you guys feel this way.

Thank you for opening up
to me about it.

Otherwise, I never would have
known that you cheated,

which means that...

I win, you lose! I win!
You lose! I win! You lose!

I win you lose.

God, I'm so tired.

If you want to shave off her
eyebrows, I'm cool with that.

Lily, honey, what're you doing?

Okay.
Her first ice out.

Be strong.

G-- Lily.

All right, all right, come on.

What you did to Dwight
was wrong, okay?

We're very disappointed in you.

Yes, and there's
gonna be consequences.

- Mm-hmm.
- No electronics for a week.

That'll be worse
for you than for me.

No dessert.

Okay, that hurts.

That being said, we could've
handled things a little bit better.

We should've talked to you

before having Dwight move in.

You mean I could have
stopped it?

Well, no, but at least
we would've know how you felt,

and we could've made things
easier for you.

Sweetie, look, I, of all people,
know what it feels like

to go from being
the center of attention --

I went through it with
my parents back on the farm,

when they brought home
a seven-pound

little pink
bundle of joy and said,

"You're gonna
share your room --"

We all know it's gonna be a pig.

Anyway, he would snore...

Okay, I'm sorry I lied.

Thank you.

You have to apologize
to Dwight, too.

I'll try to catch him
in between bites.

Oh!

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's think of something we can
all do together, okay?

Just the four of us.

Anything you want.

Absolutely anything.

Three years ago, they gave me
an "absolutely anything,"

and I wasted it on a Popsicle.

That was not gonna happen again.

Well, now, this is
a lovely party.

- Mm.
- It's a splendid afternoon.

- More tea?
- No thanks. My cup is still full.

No, it isn't.

But I didn't drink it all.

Just take the tea.

Anyway, after
the lightning strike,

I had the perm for,
like, two years.

How's that?

Rainer!

Phil.
What are you doing here?

You're not one of those
storm chasers, are you?

Not since the movie "Twister"
exposed how cutthroat it is.

I came here to apologize.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Yes, I do.

I was confused,
and I said a bunch of stuff

that you didn't deserve.

It did hit me,
right around the mid-section.

Listen, Haley's old enough
to make her own decisions.

I really like her, but if dating
her is gonna be a problem...

I don't love
the 25-year age difference.

It's actually 20... 2 --

22.

Le-- I would just
hate to think

that dating her meant
that you and I

still couldn't be,
you know, friends.

You still want to be friends?

I do!

Phil, I know a million people,

but I really don't have
a lot of real friends.

Not even the sports guy?

You guys are always
laughing so crazy hard

out of the commercials.

Chip Fielder?
No. That's all fake.

Fake as Tricia Tazaki's
shelter dogs!

Careful, buddy.

Look, maybe you should go.

I'm not going anywhere!

I'm going live in a second.
You're in my shot.

Oh. I get it.
Call me.

Call me!

That's right, Steve,
but you're gonna want

to leave your kites
at home tonight.

My wind-erful forecast
right after this.

My name is Manny Delgado,

and I'm two people.

I'm the child
of an immigrant single mother,

who taught me to believe
in myself and dream big.

I'm also the step-son
of a businessman

who opened his home
and his heart to me

and showed me, by example,

how to make
those dreams come true.

Whatever I am,
whatever I have to give,

is a product of these two
very different worlds.

It was so sweet
that Jay cried a little bit.

He's a good kid.

And it's gonna be weird
around here without him,

but at least I'll always
have my special girl.

Mmm!

And you'd never leave me,
would you, baby? Mm!

I just want you to know

I'm really okay with you
dating Rainer.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, he's got
a really nice house --

Jacuzzi tub in his bathroom.

Don't love that you know that.

Look up.

Hey, he mentioned
this hair spray

that's just oil
and a little sea salt.

Oh, that's more for
conditioning that hold.

Okay, wow, that was a close one.

All right.

Now, brush...

blot...

- And beautiful.
- Thanks, honey.

It's really great they're
having you back on the news.

No, no, I'm getting
a new driver's license photo.