Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 21 - Alone Time - full transcript

Mitch and Jay end up at the same resort when they separately seek out a retreat from the family; Phil and Claire struggle to enjoy empty-nester life; not knowing what to do with himself while Mitch is away, Cam drops in on Gloria.

Daddy, wanna come throw with me?

Oh, I'm actually in
the middle... Not you.

Oh, yeah, but just for a bit,

while Gloria and Joe go through

some of your old
toys in the garage.

I'll fly there.

GLORIA: Hey, vamonos.

Kid loves that cape.

So I see your stance on sons
wearing accessories has evolved.

The cape gives him super powers,
what did leg warmers give you?

Flair, they gave me flair to...



Leave me alone, okay?

Everybody, leave me alone!

Hey, what's all that...

(SIGHS) I just, I'm sorry.
I just need a night away.

Here, wanna
help? I don't do that.

Okay, it's just
been a lot recently,

you know, coming
off a really long trial.

Uh, Cam's spring
cleaning frenzy,

hauling Lily all
over for softball,

pretending to
care about softball.

Oh, I get needing time away.
I was married to your mother.

Like you are now...

I have it all planned out,

I drive to the desert. I
check into The Markham...



A few hours by
the pool, massage,

then I head downstairs
for a juicy steak frites,

just me and my book,
which can't talk to me.

So do it.

Ugh! Asking Cam
to go away, alone,

is three weeks of wounded crazy,

that I don't wanna
deal with right now.

Don't ask, tell. Isn't
that what you fought for?

I don't know what
to address first.

Uh, Jay, Gloria is ready to go.

All right, take it easy. You have
a good one too, Mrs. Tucker.

(CHUCKLES) Why did
he call you Mrs. Tucker?

Why does he wear those
boxy jeans? I don't know.

No, seriously. Why is
he messing with you?

(GROANS) Yeah. What the hell?

Um, I told him how I would
love to go to the desert for a night.

Okay, yeah. Fine, let's go.

Hold please. How
I would love to go

to the desert for a night alone.

I don't care.

You wanna go alone,
go alone. I don't care.

Oh, see, you said
I don't care twice.

Because that's how much I
don't care. Why are you still here?

Cam, don't be hurt.
I'm not running from you.

And I'm not folding that.

I just wanted a
night alone, okay?

Lily's going to that
sleep over tonight.

It seemed like a
good night to do it.

So go. You know, I don't love
the implication that I'm so needy,

I can't spend one
night by myself.

I didn't say that.

You didn't not say that.

And you're not not being needy.

Well, to show you
how not needy I am,

I will pack your bag for you.

It's already packed?

Oh, yeah. Well, this is the
third time I've tried asking you.

Bye, I love you. Okay.

PHIL: Oh, hello, Claire.

Hi, honey, I just got
back from the... Oh!

Oh, indeed.

Welcome to your
pre-recorded seduction.

Mama likes.

Papa knows.

That's right.

I know my wife so well, I was
able to anticipate her questions

before she asked them.

Well, this is kind of fun.

The sexiest? I don't know.
The world's a pretty big place.

Help yourself to a
glass of wine, my love.

It's kind of early in the day,

but how often do we get the
house completely to ourselves?

Easy, thirsty, I've
got plans for you.

Hint, this won't be the last time
you see me on a sheet today.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Now you...

Well, I guess your beautiful
lunch will have to wait.

(DOOR RATTLES)

Someone's here. No, Claire.

What?

Yes, Claire, show
me those pretty feet.

How do you turn this thing off?

You know what's not
really conducive to studying?

A hundred nerds crying in
every different Asian language.

You knew finals were coming,
people. Calm the hell down.

Oh, good, you're here.

Do we have any corn?

What is happening?
Are those chickens?

Epic senior prank.

Don't make it too epic.

How will you top it next year?

Get them out. Get them out now.

I need to grab something
upstairs. Oh, God.

Come on, guys.

The door. What is going on?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Guess who I found driving
through the neighborhood

who insisted on stopping over to
say hi with his new wife and her kids?

It was me.

Dylan, you know from before?

BOTH: Yeah.

Mr. and Mrs. D, this is my
wife, Dr. Elaine Coulcheck.

Doctor! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I don't know
why he does that.

And these are my
beauties, Betty and Janice.

And this is my son Douglas.

Hmm.

Your son, that's not weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to pick
something up that I left here.

Bam!

Oh, wait, uh...

Bam!

Your dad did that.
Yellow is the hardest side.

(CLATTERS)

What was that sound?
What happened?

LUKE: Broke the
banister, I'll fix it.

What's this thing?

No, no! Oh, no.

Now, now.

No, no, no, no. A treat for you.

No! No! Everybody go home.

No!

♪ Watching sports
with my feet on the table

♪ This is the
best, this is the best

♪ Being alone is the best ♪

Rescue Me.

What?

That was the name of the TV show

I couldn't remember
at dinner last week.

C'mon, let's pop it in.

No, it's a bad time, Cam.

Turns out, it wasn't
allergies. I feel terrible.

You shouldn't be close to
me. I don't wanna get you sick.

Oh, gosh. No danger of that. I
have the immune system of a horse.

When I was a kid, I
needed a transfusion,

and there was a
mix up with the vials.

I've contacted Marvel
Comics repeatedly,

but they don't seem interested.

C'mon, I'll make you
some chicken soup.

Manny, hey, hey.
And who is this?

Cam, this is Sierra, my... Gosh,
what would you call us at this point?

Teacher-assigned study partners.

As you can see, I've got
a lot of work to do. So...

Yeah, we only have
another half hour.

I promised my dad
I'd get an oil change.

Oh, well, Manny can do that.

Really?

Yeah, pull your
car into the garage.

Just be careful not to hit his
weight set or his power tools.

Wow, that would be awesome.

Cam, I know you're trying to help,
but stop. I'm clueless about cars

and I really don't want her
hitting Mom's weight set.

I'm gonna talk you
through it. Okay, Missy...

Whatever you're working on
over here, lemme take over.

No, no, no, you can't. This is
my abuela's special fever cure.

Please hand me
the dried scorpion.

You're gonna eat this?

No, don't be stupid.

I'm gonna wrap it in a rag and I
am gonna let it soak into my head.

Okay, you know what?

Let's get you to bed.
And I will bring it to you.

I can follow a recipe.

No, no, no. It's...

Go on, go on. Be careful.

All right, ground chicken
beak, mashed crickets?

(GASPS) Ew!

Cilantro?

I'll grab your room key.
Restroom's over there.

Thank you so much. I just drove

the whole way, I had
a huge ice tea, and...

What am I doing? You
know why people pee.

Hey, Colin, might have been
hasty, turning down that site map.

I've walked into the same
bar mitzvah twice now.

Hey, whatcha doin' here?

Me? You said Cam
wouldn't let you come.

I thought it was safe.

Safe to what? Steal
my special day?

Well, you made it sound so good.

The pool, the steak,
no one to talk to.

Well, now we have someone
to talk to. Thanks a lot.

Look, the place is gigantic.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.

Oh, my God, Dad. You even
stole the book that I'm reading.

When you were over at the
house, I peeked at the jacket.

I'm not gonna read something
Larry King called "Crazy good?"

Fine, I'll see you back
in civilization, okay?

Thank you. Okay.

Uh, you're sure you
don't need a site map?

No, I'm fine. I've been here a
million times. Thank you so much.

(MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE)

Are you trying to make me fail?

Sweetheart, I know that you
are stressed and we are so proud

that you stopped pulling
out your eyelashes.

So proud. We are
a little concerned

about this new pen
up the nose tick.

It's not a tick. It's just something
some people do occasionally.

Where is it?

Right there. You've
got it right there.

Ahhh! Damn it. (SIGHS)

I mean, the crazy thing is, I'm
happy Dylan found that old lady

with those hideous kids.
I mean, how funny is it,

that he is the one
that settled down

and he's doing so
great while I'm alone

basically forever.

(LAUGHING)

Could you please go be
tragic somewhere else?

(HAMMERING)

Dylan, are you back?

LUKE: I'm fixing the banister.

Argh! This is a nightmare.

You're not better than us.

I'm so much better than you.

I'm not the one with
a pen up her nose.

Ahhh!

Dude, at least I
have a boyfriend.

(GASPS) Who says that?

LUKE: Uh-oh!

Oh, God.

Haley crying about Dylan,

Alex freaking out about
school, this is like a big deja vu.

No, deja vu is when you imagine

that you've seen
something before.

This is just vu.

In hindsight, I should
have pulled my head out

before I nailed
the post back in.

Buddy.

Live and learn.

If only you ever did.

Ugh!

Okay. I think I may have
gone too deep this time.

Sweet Caligula!
That's a lot of blood.

Why would Dylan
change his phone number?

Do you know how long it took
him to memorize the last one?

Both sides now?

Don't hate this glue smell.

Okay, now comes the
blood loss migraine.

Oh, you know, I can
go get some medicine.

Oh, no, you know I can do that.

Actually, my car
is blocking your car.

Yeah, that's not a big deal.

You know what, because I can just
take your car instead of mine. Bye.

No, no way.

Oh, my God. Knock it off.

Mind your own business.

I would love to.

But now I'm wondering
if all that gasping

is about something
I've already read,

or something coming up.

I'm on page 312.

Don't tell me that.

Now I know there's a
gasp coming in 20 pages.

(LAUGHS)

Of course, you're following me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were someone else.

What the hell
did I just witness?

Oh, good Lord!

Oh, good Lord!

Tell me about this
sea bass special again.

Mediterranean
prep. En papillote...

Oh, really?

Yeah, baked in
paper, with tomato,

red pepper,
capers, onion, olives.

Literally, my favorite
fish dish. Um...

Would you recommend
that over the steak?

Hey, I was kind of in the
middle of my own thing here.

Would you recommend
that over the steak?

They're both great. Fine, steak.

Stick with the plan. And I'll
have a glass of the Merivale cab.

Yeah, me too, thank you.

Sorry, the Merivale cab
doesn't come by the glass.

It seems like you
two know each other.

You could split the fish and
steak and share the bottle of wine.

Not doing that.

Never said we were.

This is actually my dad.

I came here for some alone
time, but he copy catted me.

He said he wasn't coming because
his scary partner said he couldn't.

Scary husband!

Still hits my ear wrong.

Wow, so you're not even in a...

Uh... I'm sorry, just...

My dad passed away when I was 10

and I'd love to have
dinner with him again.

Oh, Austin. That's so sad.

Terrible story, makes you think.

Anyway, I'll have a
glass. Any of the reds.

White for me.

I'm sorry, buddy, I didn't
mean to pull your leg so hard.

What?

Dylan was my
romantic safety net.

How is a person supposed
to live without one?

Alex, I'm asking.

It is scientifically impossible
for me to care less about your...

Head down, honey. What?

Where is your mom? She's
been gone for over an hour.

She's just sitting in the car.

What?

What?

She's just sitting
in... Never mind!

(GASPS) Oh!

Hi. Hi.

How long have you
been sitting out here?

That's a weird question.
I literally just drove in.

What? Sorry. We
usually try to get here

in under 30 minutes.
Yeah, thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, God. Phil, I can't go
back in there. I'm sorry, I tried.

I opened the door but
my legs won't move.

Honey.

(SIGHS)

Drive.

What? What about Alex's pills?

Drive.

So, we're running away
from home. Is that okay?

Yes, we live with three
adults. We're basically landlords

in an apartment
building, we're the Ropers.

Yes, yes, we could
just drive and drive.

Exactly, we've earned the right

to live the empty nester's life,

even though we're
still full nesters.

Oh, my God. Do you
remember that bottle of wine

we put aside the
night Haley was born?

Yes, we were gonna open it the
night all three of them moved out.

And watch one of the thousands of
movies we missed cause they were sick

or hungry or choking on
the head of a Power Ranger.

I am a woman who has
never seen Thelma & Louise.

That's the only Harvey
Keitel movie I've missed!

Where're we goin'?

Let's let the universe decide.

"Family is a gift you
receive every day."

So they're making
sarcastic ones now?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Squirrel!

PHIL: Uh-oh!

I think we just ruined
someone's graduation.

Hey.

Hi, I must have fallen asleep.

I don't see how.
The fumes coming off

of that potion are
something else.

Yes, when we're done
with this, don't throw it out,

because with a teaspoon, I
can clean the swimming pool.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Okay, Manny needs to see me
in the garage. I will be right back.

Yeah, but come right back,

because this cannot stay
longer than five minutes.

Oh! And, just for fun,

what would happen if it
stayed on for say, I don't know...

Seventeen?

Well, they say that...

I know, no...

You used Joe's cape
for this smelly thing?

You know how
important this is for him?

No.

It goes like, me, the cape,
chocolate chip cookies and then Jay.

Can't we just say Jay ruined it,

since he's already
so far down the list?

Has anyone seen my cape?

Uh, no. What does it look like?

Like a cape!

Sorry, it's just so stressful.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You know what? I
have to go to Manny,

then I'll clean Joe's
cape, then I'll be back.

It's okay, go. We will all be
waiting for you here in Cancun.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES AGAIN)

Something's wrong.
There's oil everywhere!

Well, you probably just
need to tighten the drain plug.

(GROANS)

You popped her tire?

It's okay, it's all right.

Where does Jay
keep his patch kit?

It took me 20 minutes
to find the light switch,

I'm gonna know
where a patch kit is?

Don't panic, I saw
one here earlier.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, no, no! What?

That's Joe's cape.

Oh, no!

Joe loves this cape
more than anything.

It goes like, me, the cape,
chocolate chip cookies...

Almost done, Manny?

Oh! Hey, yeah,
well, he would be,

if I wasn't out here asking him

so many questions
about, you know,

how to patch a
tire, but like he said,

the directions are written
clearly down inside the patch kit.

And then if you get in a real
jam, there's tons of videos online.

And anyway,
shouldn't we give him

some space? Maybe get some tea?

(CLEARS THROAT)

So do you have a
date for spring formal?

I probably won't even
go. I have nothing to wear.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

It's not that big of a deal, I
mean, people are starving.

Oh... Oh!

No, this isn't a sign is it?

Well, it's not a sturdy one,
but they're only fifth graders.

No, you know, that we
shouldn't have run away.

No, we're just gonna tie
this off, hit the open road

and keep driving until the
toilets flush in the other direction.

Oh, God, oh no,
it's floating away.

Oh! Okay, it's caught
in a tree, we can reach it.

Get on my shoulders!

What? Right. Oh yeah. All right.

Okay, forgot about that.
Okay, come forward.

It's too high.

Just reach for the string.

Are you reaching
for the string? No.

I'm pretending I'm at
a Def Leppard concert.

It's right there. Just grab it.

I can't reach it, Phil.

I can't reach the next chapter.

Oh, my God, let me
down, let me down.

What. What? Let me down.

Don't you see what the
universe is trying to tell us?

We are never going to
reach the next chapter.

Luke's not going to college.

Haley's gonna grow
old in the basement.

Alex is just gonna
keep coming back

to taunt us and
use up our tissues.

I don't think the universe
cares that much about us.

Phil, we tried to run away, and I
could still see our chimney from here.

It's over, oh, yeah. This is it.

Welcome to our life.

Ha!

Sweetheart, I'm
as upset as you are.

But since when did anything
work out the way we planned?

We didn't plan on having Haley,
we didn't plan on having Alex.

We did plan on having Luke,
but we didn't plan on having Luke!

I'm having a tantrum.

And I love our kids. I
do, most of the time I do.

It's just, I had this picture of
how our life would look right now.

(SIGHS)

This is not that.

No.

Yeah, I get it.

Maybe...

Maybe we don't have
to throw away the picture.

Just re-focus it a little.

Lug nut, tire iron.

Flugelhammer, pigeondoor.

These are all
nonsense words to me.

I don't know what
I'm doing here.

Well, I don't know what
I'm doing here either.

Am I so incapable of
spending a night alone

that I had to come over here
and create all this drama?

(STRUGGLING) No wonder
Mitchell wanted to get away from me.

Hello? Oh!

Well, thank you, Manny, for letting
me tighten that last wheel screw.

Maybe next week you could
teach me how to street punch?

Yeah, sure. (CLEARS THROAT)

Wow!

Cam found it upstairs for me.

It's one of your mom's
dresses, isn't that crazy?

I can see running
it by a therapist.

So, car looks done.

Do you maybe wanna, I don't
know, go get something to eat?

Uh... Sure, but
I'm a little dirty.

So? It's cute.

(CHUCKLES)

A word?

See, good as... No!

Oh!

It looks like a monster ate it!

Exactly, see, it tells a story.

This burn is from when
you fought a dragon.

And these oil stains,

well, they're from
when you saved

that 18-wheeler from
going off a bridge.

This is the cape
of a super hero,

who is always there
for people in need.

Wow!

Fly away!

That was so nice, Cam.

Oh, thanks. You look better.

And your fever's gone!

I don't know what you
put in my abuela's potion,

but it took care of the
fever faster than ever.

Look it even made
my teeth whiter! Huh?

Oh, wow. Look at
that, here I was beatin'

myself up because
I couldn't be alone

and one could argue that
everybody in this house

is a little better
off because of it.

Well, I lost a dress, and
the house smells like smoke,

so I wouldn't be high
fivin' myself that much.

Yes, sir?

Right?

Nobody keeps me
on edge for 500 pages,

then decides they're
just done writing.

Either end the damned
story, or don't even write it!

Yes, exactly! God, for a minute
I thought I missed something.

You did. The chance to read a
great book on your one night alone.

At least the steak
was good, right?

Nice cut. Perfectly
cooked. Terrific wine.

(CHUCKLING)

What's funny? You!

The steak, the book,
hell, this whole trip.

You're turning into me.

Uh-uh! No, no, Dad.

No, no. Hey, you're
turning into me.

How?

The fact that you
stayed with that book

at all which is
basically a love story

between two men.
It's a buddy thing.

Oh, please, buddies
don't find that

many opportunities
to skinny dip together.

Well, every time they
saw a body of water,

it was off with
the pants, splash.

You're just making it worse.

Oh, my God. Your hands.

That's what your spa appointment
was. You got a manicure.

It's because Gloria
said that my hands

were too rough. It was her idea.

Considerate. That's me.

Running from your family.

That's me.

(GROANS)

Yeah.

I guess it's possible that we
both moved to the center a little.

Yeah, well, it makes sense. Definitely
makes things easier between us.

Little less distance.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, um, it's
a crazy thought.

There's something
old us could never do

without tears and screaming, that I
think new us might be able to handle.

It might help me out
at home, if you're game.

Lead with your elbow.

Shift your weight.
Follow through.

It's not bad.

No, it wasn't good,
but I'm not crying,

and you haven't called me
"Missy" so let's keep going.

They had no choice.

The light turns red when
you put something on it,

green when the hook is
free. I call it a smart hook.

So smart. I got the idea

when I was in the
parking garage.

Oh, God, Dad. Now
don't look. Don't look.

What are they doing here?
God, they are not going to

have brunch with us, are they?

They can't. This is our day.

You think they see us? Mmm.

Just keep walking.
No sudden movements.

The site map says there's
another cafe... My book.

Leave it!