Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - Pig Moon Rising - full transcript

Hey, buddy. Nothing.

Sorry, habit.

I'm not actually
doing anything wrong.

Just checking if I got into ASU.

Without us. Guys!

Get in here. It's happening.

CLAIRE: Phil saw videos online

of families celebrating the
moment their kid got into college.

For pure drama you can't beat
that thing when an entire family's

nervous anticipation turns
into an explosion of utter joy.

Come on. Come on, NY.



Oh. Aw.

Notre!

Damn. Mmm.

Alrighty. Here we
go and record and...

"Welcome to Arizona State..."

It's happening!

"Welcome to Arizona
State's Admissions portal.

"We regret to inform you..."

Aw.

Oh. No.

Well, don't leave us in
suspense. What did they say?

Hey. I just peeked in on Lily

and guess who she was
curled up with on her bed.

If it's not the cat
I'll be really upset



about how you
are teasing this out.

I love that she has
a pet that she is

so close to like I was
with my pet pig Lily.

Still no guilt I see
after tricking me

into naming our
daughter after bacon.

I was very close to that pig,

for heaven sakes, I still
have her ashes in the garage.

True.

I recently started
exercising in the garage

and on the first day I... I
dropped a couple of pounds.

I knew Mitchell was lying.

I was just giving him the
opportunity to come clean.

I'd discovered
the urn was empty.

Lily?

You know, I was thinking tonight
maybe we could bury the ashes

in the backyard after we
get back from your dad's.

It's a perfect
night to pay tribute.

But, why?

The pig moon. I am
sorry, one more time.

The pig moon. Every 18 years
the moon takes on a pink hue

and it aligns with Orion.

It's a huge deal back home.

There is a festival.
They empty out

all the jails as a
sign of goodwill.

So are we having like
a ceremony tonight?

Yes, sweetie.

But, don't we have grandpa's?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know what,

we are always looking for a
credible reason to leave early.

So, what are we supposed to say?

No. No dessert for
us. We gotta get home.

We gotta bury the 25 year old
ashes of a Brunswick King Sow.

Wow. Nice attitude.
It is almost like you

want pig moon John to fill
your hunting boot with coal.

(SIGHS) This is so slow.

If you're on the
Pritchetts Closet's

website we are
aware of slow down.

It's either hacked
by the Chinese,

or the Chinese hack I
hired to fix the website.

No, I'm trying to
get the tickets for

tonight's Gloria
Estefan concert.

It is a little on the nose.

Mom, it happened again.

Jay, sit down here
and pay attention.

You have to move
fast when it is your turn

or they'll move
to the next person.

Joe, this is exactly

why we are not giving you a
knife until you turn six years old.

I missed the days when
people stood in actual lines.

If you weren't willing
to stand in the rain,

you didn't get to see Gary
Puckett & The Union Gap.

Ow! Dammit!

What? It was one second.

Okay, give it back to me.

No need. I got them.

Oh really, and you paid?

Yeah, you got your browser
filling out your credit card info.

Not super secure
but, whoever steals

will probably
spend less than you.

Oh, beautiful morning.

I joke because I have
been accepted at the BU.

Manny, I am so proud of you.

I'm six for six. So many suitors.
Not sure what to choose from.

I feel like Lady Mary in the
last season of Downton Abbey.

I'd avoid the big
football schools.

And tonight we are
going to celebrate,

we are going to a concert.
I got the tickets online.

Easier than buying them
at the venue, I guess.

What is the venue by the way?

You can't buy them at the door.

It's a private concert.
It's just for the fan club.

I remember our first
Gloria Estefan concert.

You were so little.

Sitting on my shoulder.
Holding the lighter.

I am gonna leave.

Yes, before I know it.

No, right now. I obviously
need something to wear tonight.

Okay, I will go with you.

What a great idea.
Go make a day of it.

No, no. Wait, wait.
I can't got to mall

wearing my house heels.

What a good excuse to
buy a nice pair of new ones.

That's why I love you.

(CHUCKLES) Always remember that.

Thank you so much.
Mrs. Pasternak.

I'm sure you are wondering
why I want these ashes.

Not really. But I'm
gonna need the urn back.

Gonna turn it into a lamp.

Hello, Mitchell.

Oh, God! (GASPS)

(COUGHING)

Is everything okay? You
are looking a little ashen.

Fine, I accidentally
spilled pig Lily's ashes.

I thought I would...

You would, just replace
them with Morris Pasternak's?

How did you know?

His class ring is by your foot.

Oh yeah.

That pig was my best friend.

Didn't you eat her mother?

You have no respect for
anything that's important to me.

My whole upbringing
is just a big joke to you.

Dad, I was thinking about
the pig moon funeral tonight

and how important
Lily was to you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

You definitely inherited
her compassion.

Remember that finger
painting that I made of her.

The one you said that
was museum quality.

Can we bury it with her?

I know exactly where it is.

I know exactly where it was.

(SNIFFLING)

(GASPS) (LAPTOP CHIMES)

It's an email for Luke from
my alma mater. Let's get him...

No, no, no. No, what
if it is more bad news?

Maybe you should read it first.

Claire, I am as anxious as you
are to find out if he going to be

a Bulldog like his old man.
But we can't violate his trust.

Sure, we can mark it as unread
to cover our tracks but we'd know...

He didn't get in.

(EXCLAIMS) What? He's a legacy.

Bulldog drool courses
through his jowls.

I know. And it is his
seventh rejection.

He is going to so disappointed.

And embarrassed. We have
that dinner at Jay's tonight.

I bet Manny got in everywhere.

Oh, God.

Is this it? Is Luke
not going to college?

It's not over.

Delete. What you doing?

I am driving up there to tell
them they made a mistake.

They'd be lucky
have a kid like Luke.

Well, I guess,
it can't hurt him.

It's not like they
can super reject him.

Although, Michigan
did use that exact term.

MAN: (ON RADIO) You are on
Caliente 96.3 with Diego and the Donkey.

Hello. Yes.

I am calling about the
Gloria Estefan tickets.

They're all yours if you
can complete this lyric.

Turn the blank around. Mmm.

One of her biggest
hits from the '90s.

We've been
playing it all morning.

Turn the car around.

No, two more guesses.

Turn the boat around.

(IMITATES BUZZER) Try again.

Turn the economy around.

You're an ass. (DONKEY BRAYING)

Dammit!

Wow, I just got super
accepted to Michigan.

He is the second
Delgado to go to college.

My cousin, went to the best
medical school in Colombia.

They will not just
accept any cadaver.

Okay, mom. Let's go.

Wait. You remember when
your head was this tiny.

Okay, mom. I think
I'm set for hats.

I know when a female is
about to burst into tears.

I've seen it enough times.

I had to keep my mom
away from anything

that reminded her
I was moving away.

And keep myself away
from Williams Sonoma.

I could lose an afternoon.

(PUPPIES WHINING)

A pet store. These are fun.

I think he misses his mommy.

He'll forget about it by
the time we get to the car.

On second thought,
let's catch a movie.

They always help keep
your mind off of things.

Oh.

Wait, officer, no.
My car is only here

because I was being responsible.

I was babysitting my Uncle Joe,

and got too drunk to drive home.

(GRUNTS)

What is this thing?

The Barnacle.

They stick it on your car when
you have unpaid parking tickets.

I couldn't let my parents see it
because I knew they would just

overreact and lecture me
about being irresponsible.

And I couldn't
pay it to remove it

because I maxed
out my credit card

on this insanely expensive
pair of sunglasses.

I don't love them.

I just had to recreate
Lily's painting of pig Lily

and she'd be none the wiser.

Ugh! It's like, painting
with sausages.

Sorry, Cam. No pig
painting by Lily here.

I do have some random scribbles
Luke made when he was...

Huh. It's a little
later than I hoped.

Fine. Not a word of this to Mitchell.
I'm sure you are curious why.

Wrong again.

Oh, you're the first one here.

Don't worry. We don't
have to make conversation.

Ooh! A scrap book.

Aw, look at this. All
our old school projects.

Paintings by me and Claire.

Aw! You're just a
big softy, aren't you?

My lawyer's secretary put that

together for my image
at the divorce trial.

There is the old bear. Grr!

Oh, this is from my eighth birthday.
I made mom throw me a party

with the whole farm theme.

You know what? I need this.

Cam thinks I looked down on his

farm life. This
will prove to him...

This comes at a price. You can
get me Gloria Estefan tickets, right?

Dad, that is offensive.
Not every gay

person is connected
to Gloria Estefan.

But, you are, right?

It's complicated.

Cam, briefly dated a member
of Gloria Estefan's band.

The Miami Sound Machine.
He doesn't talk about it much.

Just whenever someone
mentions her or Miami.

Or humidity.

Well, when I get the
tickets, you get the picture.

(SIGHS) Mean.

Hey, hey. How
would you feel about

asking Cam to
use his connections

to get two Gloria
Estefan tickets for

tonight and secretly
giving to me?

I will do it, but I need you
to help me with my car first.

I'd ask my parents but...

They wouldn't understand

and it's not your
fault. Okay, let's go.

Are we sure this is
the best way to do this?

All we have to do
is make sure that

my parents don't see if I'm
moving it down the street.

Okay. I'm your
eyes. Okay. Hold on.

Hug the curb. Haley, all right.

Straighten out. Turn
on your hazards.

The wind shield wipes.

You are on my leg. Move. Ah!

Oh, God. There is a tree. Oh!

All right. (SIGHS) Let's just
breathe. Just take a moment.

Just get off my leg.

I am not.

Are we going backwards?
You put us in reverse.

MITCHELL: Okay hit
the brake. That is the gas.

How do you have a license?

HALEY: I can't move.
You are on my leg.

(BOTH SHOUTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Okay. Good first try.

(GASPS)

Can't believe you didn't treat
yourself to a Bulldog Blast.

Isn't that basically sugar, ice,

and the stuff that they use
to cover the Blue Man Group?

Hi. Hi.

We are here to see
the Dean of Admissions.

We called. We are the Dunphys.

I will tell Dean Hinton
that you are here.

Hinton?

Yes. Dean Rudolf Hinton.

I have a bad feeling.

Well, honey, you did just
have two of those anti-freezes.

No. Rudy Hinton. We were
classmates. Super annoying.

Always on. We cheered together.

We tumbled together.
We rolled around together,

but we were never close.

When I say bull you say dog.

Bull.

Dog.

Hey, Rudy. This
is my wife, Claire.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure. Wow.

Please come on in.

Ah! Great trampoline.

Thanks.

I like to bounce at
least 20 minutes a day.

It's where I get my best ideas.

How quirky. (PHONE RINGING)

Oh, hey, Phil. We were national
senior year Cleveland, Ohio.

(WHISPERING) Can you imagine
putting up with this for years on end?

It's hard.

Say what. I will give it some bounce
time and hit you back with an answer.

Listen. You seem
busy. I'll get straight to it.

Our son Luke applied
and didn't get in.

And I think it's
worth reconsidering.

He is a great kid. He's
just a late bloomer.

Okay. I think we can make
something happen for your boy.

Really?

Yeah. We let in way
worse applicants than him.

Rudy. Thank you. You
are the B-E-S-T best.

No problemo. I
will just, uh... Hey.

(CHUCKLES) While you are here, I
always wanted to ask you something.

You remember that
magic trick you used to do

when you got out of a
straitjacket blindfolded?

Burns Humbug. Yeah.

That one.

How do you do it?

Magic. I feel like...
No, no. Really,

I've been trying to
figure it out for years.

I'm sorry. It's not customary for
a magician to reveal his secrets.

It's also not customary
for a Dean of Admissions

to alter an applicant
status. So...

I'll go get the straitjacket
from the nurse.

You're gonna do it, right?

I don't know. Let me
bounce on it. (SIGHS)

(SQUEAKING)

Phil.

(GRUNTING) Sweetheart.

Phil.

Honey, you can't possibly
be struggling with this decision.

Do you know what happens to
magicians who reveal their secrets, Claire?

They're shunned. Hasn't
that happened already?

Listen. I possess knowledge
from the ancient Egyptian conjurers

to the prestidigitators
of the Dark Ages

to the amateur
illusionists of today.

I'm worried about another trick.

I am trying to make
our son disappear

to a barely accredited
four year college.

Hey. Here we are. That's it.

Go ahead. Put these on.

No, no. In here.

I wanna make sure I get
this. I wanna see everything.

Okay. Mmm. I got it.

I didn't quite grasp what I
was asking Phil to do but, um...

It got weird.

Okay. All right.

Whenever you are ready.

Wait. This isn't going
on the Internet, is it?

No, it's just for me.

The challenge
with this escape is

releasing the shackles
in the correct order,

baring yourself gradually.

More upbeat to the patter.

What? I wanna
hear the old patter.

Blindfold him.

Take it. Yes!

Sir...

Um... (CHUCKLES)

Phil, honey. You
don't have to do this.

Luke can join the
army. It's okay.

I may be locked up,
but my mind is free.

Imagine yourself in a museum
filled with world's oddities...

No, no, no, no, no. Slow down.

Enjoy it. And turn around so I
can get a good look at the back.

I wanna see the back.

Behold, the freak. For all...

to see.

Go get my tickets.

Is my hair a mess?
It's so humid out.

You wanna talk about humidity,
I once spent a steamy weekend

with a certain member of
the Miami Sound Machine.

That's crazy. Do you know
that they're in town tonight?

What? Can you
get me two tickets?

Oh, my God. These hands.

They are so small
and delicate like a child.

I know. This watch came from an
American Girl doll. (CHUCKLES)

Are you gonna
hook me up or what?

Yes, yes. Just as soon as
you and your tiny little hands

recreate a painting for me.

This way.

What do you think? I was
going for dark and mysterious,

but I am afraid I circled right
back to cute and approachable.

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Aw. She is so lucky. He is
always going to be her little boy.

Mom, you are projecting
on these mannequins.

For all we know he is a
little person and that's his wife

whose evolved enough to
see how big he is on the inside.

Manny, I know what you
been trying to do the whole day.

I'm not about to have a break
down because you're going to college.

I was awake last night when
you were brushing my hair.

Okay, yes. It's going
to be hard because,

you are going to be far away

so I'm not gonna get
to see you all the time.

But, we'll still
talk on the phone.

Yeah, at the beginning, but
then you are gonna get busy

and then I'm going to get busy.

Too busy to take my calls?

I've made peace with it.

Your childhood days are over.

Guillermo. Come back here.

What you doing? Don't
run away from your mother.

Life is going to tear
you apart soon enough.

I wanna go on the
Merry-Go-Round.

Oh, you're on it. You got
10 years left with that woman.

Cherish them. Cherish her.

Thanks?

I think maybe I am freaking
out about going to school.

I see that.

But we are going to be okay.

Being apart is just
gonna make nights

like tonight going to a
concert even more special.

No. I don't want to. Guillermo.

Okay, now that's
just bad parenting.

This is excellent
work. Excellent work.

Really? I am not
used to hearing that.

I get what people try now.

Is that my painting.
Why is it here?

Well, because it was on loan
to your grandma and grandpa.

Just like they do with real art.

Better than most of
the stuff in this house.

Now get me those
Gloria Esteban tickets.

It's Estefan.

That's what I said.
I am a huge fan.

Okay. Carlos. Carlos.

Hey, Carlos. Um, this
is Cameron Tucker.

I don't know if you remember
me or not. You do, okay all right.

Wondering if I could get a
couple tickets for the show tonight.

Gloria Estefan.

Because you are in the
Miami Sound Machine, silly.

What?

It was loud in the bar
the night I met Carlos.

And it turns out he is...

not a member of the legendary
band the Miami Sound Machine.

He owns a mobile
dog grooming business

called Miami's Hound Machine.

In retrospect, I didn't need
to be as alarmed with his

collections of
leashes and collars.

Okay, everybody. Gather around.

Luke has one more college to
hear from and I got a good feeling

about this one. Yeah.

Mom, can we not do this here.

Oh, come on.
Have a little faith.

Okay, cannons ready. And record.

Record that. Anytime, buddy.

All right, everyone. Get ready to
tell me how I'm my own kind of smart

and how everyone
takes their own path and...

Wow.

You're a different
kind of smart...

and everybody... (OVERLAPPING
CONVERSATIONS)

I got in?

What?

He got in. He got in!

You got in! What is
wrong with this thing?

Wait. This doesn't
make any sense.

I got rejected by worse schools
than this. Why would they want me?

Why wouldn't they want you?
Honey, it's not all about grades.

I mean, you were involved in...

Yeah!

Did you talk to them?

I am sorry, what?

Show me your tongue. I
don't know what that will prove.

This kinda seems like an
embarrassing family moment.

I am on it.

Blue! You can't get to that campus
without getting a Bulldog Blast.

We went out to tell them
they made a mistake.

They didn't make a mistake.
Neither did the other schools.

I'm not going. Honey,
this is your last chance.

Then I will wait till next year.

If I go I want to deserve it.

I can respect that.

Nobody asked for your
opinion. Thank you. You're going.

You have no idea what your father
went through to get you this opportunity.

He debased himself in
ways you can't imagine.

You said it wasn't that bad.

What are you watching?

Our neighbor sent me a
video. It's of Haley and Mitchell.

(STAMMERS) Oh,
that we don't need to...

MITCHELL: You take forever!
HALEY: I am trying hard as I can.

Oh! You got one of those things

on your windshield. How many
parking tickets do you have?

I think we are focused
on the wrong thing here.

Luke's not going to college.

Why is your finger pink?

This isn't mine. I knew
the perspective was off.

It's Cam's fault. He made
me copy it from a photo.

You know what, I accidentally

destroyed the original
and I couldn't live without it.

Mitchell Pritchett,
Parenting Magazine.

How is forging
a child's painting

any less egregious
just than replacing

a pig's ashes with Mrs.
Pasternak's dead husband?

It's not. I am a hypocrite.
My whole life is a lie.

Carlos isn't really in the
Miami Sound Machine.

He's just a basic dog groomer.

Save your money. I
couldn't get your tickets.

You are spending money on tickets
when you should be spending on tickets.

You know what I mean.

The concert tickets
were for Mitchell.

So you didn't get
my tickets. No.

So you didn't get my tickets!

The website was insane. You
need the reflexes of a mongoose.

You lied to me.

Well, and look around.
Everybody is lying.

Forging paintings. Driving
blind. Swapping ashes.

I didn't want to
ruin the pig moon.

There is no pig moon.

How backwards do you think
Grasshopper, Missouri is?

What are we talking about here?

(ALL CLAMORING)

I got this. Guys!

I talked to Judge Thegary.

He will make your
parking tickets disappear.

In return for a
couple of Cubans.

You took three.

The other one is for the
security guard at the club.

He moonlights where
Estefan's playing tonight.

He will meet you
by the stage door.

Thank you for fixing Jay's lies.

We all struggle with the truth.

Like last Thursday when I
stalled Jay at the club so you could

get Joe out of the doggy door.

She locked us out
and the stove was on.

And you two.

Do you know a guy at
the club that could help us?

No, just talk more.

90% of your problems will be
solved if you just discuss things.

The Vanderkolff is a knock-off.

I burned a hole in the knock-off
and had replaced it with a real one.

Okay, everything
is settled here.

I think the steaks are
ready. Let's go eat.

Well, I guess our son isn't
going to college this year.

I know. I know we are supposed
to be worried about him but...

Do you see what he just did, how he
solved everybody's problems like that.

It's pretty incredible, right?

That's a Dunphy man,
Claire. Resourceful, cool,

and just the right
amount of savoir faire...

I will, uh... I will see
you at the kitchen.

So this is a real Vanderkolff.

Yeah. It feels good to finally
be free of that secret. (SIGHS)

Yeah, it's just great to have
everything out in the open.

Yeah.

That expensive painting
you bought me over there.

I moved it to cover up a
hole I made on the wall.

I only paid 25 cents for
that painting at a garage sale

and I used the rest of
the money on shoes.

I get electrolysis. My
beard grows up to here.

I don't really know how to line
dance, and that's why those cowboys

laughed at you when
you did what I taught you.

(GASPS) (MEOWS)

That's not Larry.
That's not Larry.