Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - Basketball - full transcript

You sure we need
that much ice, buddy?

All NBA players use cold
water immersion therapy.

Let's do it.

You're right,
it's not that ba...

(EXCLAIMS)

One year ago today, I had
the chance to be a hero.

It was the annual high
school charity basketball game.

Parents versus teachers.

We were raising money for Mrs.
Martin in the attendance office,

who lost her house
in a mud slide.

One minute it was present
the next it was absent.



PHIL: Down to a
second left I was fouled.

The game was in my
hands. (EXHALES)

(ALL GROAN)

PHIL: I crumbled
under the pressure.

I've waited a year for
my shot at redemption,

and left nothing to chance.

Harder.

PHIL: I am worked
out like a mad man.

Passing and dribbling drills.

Agility training. (TIMER BEEPS)

And I top it all off with one
hundred free throws everyday.

Twenty three, 24...

PHIL: No matter how tired I am.

(WEAKLY) Eighty five.



It had been a year of painful
training but I was ready.

Ahh!

I spilled juice on the rug.
Please don't tell Mama.

Don't tell Mama?

What about don't tell Papa?

A boy is supposed
to fear his father.

I shook in my boots
around my old man

just like he did around his.

To this day I hear
the crack of a Schlitz

or smell some
Singleton's beer tonic

and I'm sweating like
a mob rat in Little Italy.

Oh, I tripped.

Enough. How many times have
I told you to pick up your toys?

You're funny. (LAUGHS)

Enough! Pick up your toys.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Gloria!

What a surprise.

There's a mom at Manny's school

that I've had some
problems with.

She's your typical blonde,
air-head, Barbie doll doctor.

Hola, Donna.

Did you wander in by mistake?
You know they don't sell shoes here.

Oh, no, I see you
buy a lot of hot dogs.

It's so sad when
someone just gives up.

I'm selling these at the high
school charity basketball game.

Poor Mrs. Martin.

This year we are raising
money to get her a new kidney.

So, can we count on you?

For the kidney?

(CHUCKLES) To write a check.

(CHUCKLES) Like you always do.

Money is almost as good
as actually doing something.

Forty dollars at the estate
sale. Can you believe that?

Like there's just no
way you'd even notice.

(CELLPHONE RINGS) Dad, hi.

JAY: Turn on channel 12.

It's an expose on
cheap lumber...

that's got some chemical in
it that's making people sick.

And Closets, Closets, Closets,
Closets bought a bunch of it.

Oh, look, there's
Earl's daughter Sheryl.

We caught up with a local man
who reported flu-like symptoms

after contact with
the tainted wood.

MAN: (ON TV) I just
wanted to give my wife

a closet as
beautiful as she is...

(SNEEZES) Hell!

Didn't we buy some
of those? (SHUSHING)

Can you believe Earl's
dumb-dumb daughter

bought wood from those
bozos. (CHUCKLES)

JAY: Of course when you two were

growing up she was
always the slow one.

You remember when she
thought that balloon was her friend.

Balloonda Carlisle.

(LAUGHS)

Right well, back to
it, Dad. See you later.

I knew that deal was
too good to be true.

And now I'm gonna look as
stupid as a girl who pecked

two different class
rabbits to death.

A spot of tea, sir?

Only if it's the fancy kind.

Oh, my God. How good
have our accents gotten?

It's insane. (GIGGLES) Yeah.

When Haley was four, she
and I had our first tea party.

And since then we've
made it a tradition

to meet for high
tea once a year.

It's a time I've really
come to cherish.

I don't love the
whole tea thing.

Mitchell and Haley always
come back giggling over

shared secrets
and I feel left out.

I once tried to start my own
uncle-niece tradition but...

I'm not questioning
the methodology

behind accelerated
mass spectrometry.

I'm merely pointing
out that it's not

singular in its
power to separate

a rare isotope from an
abundant neighboring mass.

What's going on with you and
that handsome weatherman?

Things are great
mostly, yeah. Hm.

Oh, mostly, what's going on?

I mean...

Do you think it's okay for your
partner to ask you to do anything?

Mm. No, not anything, anything. I
mean we all have our boundaries.

I mean, there's still things
I wouldn't ask Cam to do.

Okay, so, Rainer and I were
in bed the other night and...

And?

He asked me to do something
I'm not totally comfortable with.

What did he ask you to do?

No, no judgments. Just
whenever you're ready.

So he was lying on his side and
he said that, that was part of it.

And then he asked
me to ca... Haley.

What did he ask you to do?
Quick, write it down on this napkin.

Rainer, what are you doing here?

You left your ear
buds in my car,

I know you like to use
them to ignore people.

Aw! Do you wanna join us? You
don't mind, do you, Uncle Mitch?

No!

(CHUCKLES)

Feels weird to be back here.
This gym got the better of me once.

Dad, you're
psyching yourself out.

You're right. The only thing
different between this year and last

is that I'm prepared this year.

And DeAndre Jordan and
Charles Barkley are here.

Is this where we can
get our hand stamp?

Sometimes I like to leave
and come back to things.

(STAMMERS) Why are you here?

Our agent's wife is a
math teacher at the school.

Let's go get our seats. We
don't want anybody to block us.

Yeah, I get that.

So I'm playing in
front of two NBA stars?

Plus once people
know they're here

the crowd will be five times
the size it was last year.

Well, we still live in a
world with a fire marshal.

Wait, probably just here to show

their faces and
make a quick exit...

Dad, don't let them faze you.
This is what you trained for.

You're ready. You're right.

Just need to shake
the jitters off a little bit.

I got you Larry, spot up. No!

Gloria, is that you?

My brain's having a hard time
processing you in this context.

Yeah I came to sell my
nachos to raise money.

How nice. Mm-hmm.

Although some people are
saying it's too little too late.

Like you can't just show
up and get credit for it.

I think it's mean,
but some people

are saying it seems
disingenuous.

I just got here. When did
you talk to all these people?

I think you'll find this
crowd, no like the nachos.

I'm sorry if that sounds racist.

No, it didn't. I don't even know

what language you
were trying to make fun of.

Okay, since you are not leaving,
you can set up down there.

Ah.

No, it's very dark
and it's very far away.

Good luck.

Looks like that
picture I instagrammed

of the three of us is a
big hit with Rainer nation.

Oh, and is it safe to post
your location like that?

Aren't you worried
about stalkers?

Oh, no, it's fine.

Most of my followers are just
overly excited love-starved old ladies.

Oh. I see your exclusive
tea party opened up.

He just posted that. Were
you circling the restaurant?

Hey, Rainer Shine.

You sat next to
him at Thanksgiving.

Right. Manny, sit down, join us.

Actually, Cam, could I
talk to you for a second?

Okay, before Rainer walked in,
Haley was about to tell me something

upsetting he asked her
to do in the bed room.

(GASPS)

Now I didn't get much
but he asked her to...

To what?

He asked her to "ca"...

Are you kidding me? Okay,
no one else come near us.

Thank you. That's
all she got out.

And then Rainer walked in.

Well, we have to find out.

As her uncles, we need
all the information we can

so we can advise her properly.

Yeah, if she's
dating an older man,

if she's uncomfortable
it's our duty to protect her.

Okay, so we settle that.

What could "ca"
be? Carrot, cupping?

Oh, you don't think it could
be a Canadian long jump?

Okay, what part would
a woman play in that?

(PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRS)

That's the last
of the paper trail.

Great. Okay, so the
red pins on this map

mark all the
locations of closets

that were made
with the toxic wood.

Okay, and we have recalled nine

out of ten of the
contaminated closets

so we only have to
track down one more.

And since you didn't
ask the green pins

are all the addresses of
potential fathers of mine.

Oh, hey.

How you doing?

Did I hear somebody using my
shredder without signing it out?

No.

Confetti!

Hey.

The kid doesn't
fear me as he should

so I brought him
in here to show him

my scary boss side. Play along.

Okay. Ben, how dumb
do you think I am?

You found out?

Of course I found
out. I know everything.

It was her idea. Ben?

No, he's doing great.

You're in big trouble, mister.

Jay, I'm so sorry,
we were just...

Enough!

Come on, Joe.

Enough! (LAUGHS)

Could you roll over any faster?

My dad didn't know anything,
that was just a big act for his kid.

Yeah, I know. I
was playing along...

Save it. Okay?

Somewhere one of these
green pins is very disappointed.

(CARNIVALESQUE MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Nachos.

Come get some nachos.

Nobody even knew
that I was back there.

You know it's loud when
you can't here my voice.

My goodness, at this rate I'll
break my own sales record.

Hola, do you guys want
to try some nachos?

That sounds pretty good.

Oh, you're so
transparent, Glenn.

Come, come, come.

We're expanding to chips.

Mmm. Mmm.

Cam, you're staring.

No, I'm not. So are you.
(CELLPHONE RINGS)

Oh, I should take this
might be drizzle related.

So, Haley.

We are here to help
you tell us what "ca" is.

You told him?

You can confide in us,
we're middle aged gay men.

Whatever it is we
have heard of it.

Fine, the other night Rainer
asked me if I would be into candling.

BOTH: Ah...

You know what that is, right?

Yes. Yes...

It's when you do the...

and then you do the...

Candling is where you light
a hollow candle and insert it

into one of the ear
canals to remove ear wax.

Oh, God.

The thing is I don't know if I want
to be that intimate with Rainer.

Am I really ready to see
gunk coming out of his ear?

I mean, like... What if
he stops being sexy?

Well, it is intimacy like that,

that separates casual dating
from something more serious.

But what about
what you said earlier?

How even committed relationships
like yours have boundaries.

Excuse me, what boundaries?

Hey, my phone died.
Can I borrow one of yours?

You told her we have boundaries?

You told them I asked
you to candle me?

Okay, I feel like this tea
is getting away from us.

Nachos, get your nachos here.

Get... Get...

Goaltending! Ref, do your job.

I'm a pharmacist. Oh, sorry.

Phil? Oh.

Seem a little tight, man.

Hey, DeAndre Jordan.

No, just working
out the jimjams,

first half is about
getting a read.

Yeah, right.

I didn't realize that
fans were coaching.

Why are you helping the parents?

Teachers are the back
bone of our country.

Get out of here, parenting is
the hardest job in the world.

I'm so sick of you acting
like you know everything.

Going to therapy
did nothing for you.

First of all, stop transferring.

Secondly, how about I coach
that team, you coach this team.

Ten Dolphin dollars. You
and Phil are going down.

Ten? You can't even get
a foam flipper with that.

Let's make it 50. DJ, please.

How about 50 real ones?

Okay, make it five grand.

That's the jump? (WHISTLES)

Go win this for me. Okay.

We're on the same team. Foul.

Somebody fouled me.

Stop flopping.

Phil, come on, man, focus. We
just bet our Olympic gold medals.

Why? No one is
making you do this.

I hate that I made
you uncomfortable.

I just wanted us to be
real with each other.

I want that too.

I think I'm ready,
I will candle you.

Look at that, two virtual
strangers breaking their molds

when I didn't even
know we had any.

When I told Haley
we had boundaries

I just meant that
there are certain things

I'd rather not ask you to do.

Like what? We should be open

and honest about what
ever our wants and needs are.

As long as we're being real.

There's something
you need to know.

There is absolutely nothing...

I want to hear this.

Give me your hands.

Okay, deep breath,
come on, Haley.

I draw in my eyebrows.

Oh.

This is the real me.

Did he leave, is he still here?

I'm still here and
you're still beautiful.

Stop running from me.

Fine.

I have a confession of my own.

Two seconds.

I've never told anyone this.

I use tape to pull my neck back.

I knew it.

Wow! So brave.

I feel so naked right now.

Me too.

They look exactly
the same, right?

No, what they look is happy
because they are brave enough

to be vulnerable
with each other. Cam?

It's just ironic that you
won't ask me to do whatever

it is because you're
worried I'll judge you.

But I'm judging you now for
not trusting me and that hurts.

Okay. You're right, of course,

this only bringing
us closer together.

Who did you say
normally does this?

This place near my old office.

Lily, in a pinch.

Okay, well, I think that's it.

Oh, no, you have to
go over one more time.

Okay, we're not
painting a bridge.

Okay, I've checked twice, there's
no invoice for this last closet.

No, there has to be and we
better find it before my dad does.

Is there any chance you
accidentally shredded it?

Don't worry, if I did,
it's an easy restore.

I was regional jigsaw champion
in the under 60 category.

(SNEEZING)

That weird sneeze.

You sound like the guy
who was sick on the news.

No, that guy was falling apart.

Ah!

You can't be infected. It's not like
you spent any time around that wood.

You don't hang out
in the warehouse.

I've seen how much
those guys pants you.

Oh, my God.

My mom has a new
boyfriend and she

doesn't want him to
know she has kids.

So, when he comes over I
sleep in the conference room.

Which is where
the sample closet is

which is why
there's no record of it.

My God.

JAY: I don't like
to talk about it a lot

but I have a certain
expertise in timber.

Even blindfolded

I can tell a Galapagos
teak from a Maltese cherry.

Came in handy for
a cop friend of mine.

Helped them round
up the cedar boys.

Dad, hey. What are
you doing in here, huh?

I'm checking out this new wood.

It's not new wood.

(SNEEZING)

What the hell is
the matter with him?

He's got allergies...

Allergies...

Oh, Dad, have you seen
this new fish tank we just got.

Check out.

Where did you say
we got this wood?

Please stop obsessing
about the wood.

Hungry little sucker,
huh? Oh, yeah.

You sure that's
okay for him to eat?

Yeah, it's fine.

Those fish are celebrated
for their hardiness.

Yeah, hardy. Yeah they're
very popular amongst rappers.

'Cause they do equally well
in Jacuzzis and champagne.

Where's Joe?

He's with Margaret. Okay.

I'm gonna bring him in here
and have him check out this fish.

That's a good idea.
Getting back to this wood.

Dad, the wood is fine.

Turns out the wood
doesn't just make

people sick, it also kills fish.

Well, I couldn't let dad
know I bought murder wood.

So, I sent Ben to get a replacement
fish from the tank in the lobby.

So, does it seem right to you?

Sturdy enough, smooth pivot.

Even glide.

I was already suspicious of
that wood but then it kills a fish.

Claire obviously bought
some of that tainted lumber.

Then she tries to hide it?

She must think I'm denser
than a ponderosa maple.

That's a nice easy ride. Yeah.

Hey, kiddo, why
is your hand wet?

It's not, it's sweaty.

I went to the gym this morning.

Fridays I do legs and hands.

Claire, here is the
water you asked for.

Thank you.

My tooth just fell out.

You know, I got a little
something stuck in my throat,

give me some water.

No, you don't want
this lobby water.

I just need a sip.

It's from the fountain and warehouse
guys put their mouth all over it.

Just give it to me. I can't.

Oh, my God, you actually did it.

Can you feel that thing
swimming around in your belly?

You knew there
was a fish in there?

I saw you toss
the other one out.

You're so afraid of getting caught
screwing up you swallowed an animal.

This sort of seems
like a family thing

and my vision is tunneling so...

All right, well, we
recalled all the bad wood

but that doesn't mean
that we didn't screw up.

So go ahead, let me
have it, tear my head off.

Tell me how I
disappointed you yet again

and what is happening?

All day long I've been
trying to get Joe to fear me.

Maybe that's not
the best thing for kids.

Hi.

Well, I made six Dolphin dollars

plus 20 real ones
from some weirdo

who wanted to ladle cheese
straight into his mouth.

Right, thank you so
much but I still need help

attracting customers over there.

Oh, I can see if Phil
has that thing in his car

that flails around like this.

Claire? No, his tube dude.

Oh!

Can I help you with anything?

I'm just gonna buy a snack
with my last five Dolphin dollars.

I don't want to throw them
away. That's how they get you.

The nachos are amazing.

But do not get anything from
the stand that's over there...

That hot dog lady? She just
said the same thing about you.

You two remind me of
me and DeAndre Jordan.

We have a rivalry
and I don't know why.

Maybe in life we resent
people who hold up a mirror

and force us to look at
the worst in ourselves.

I see what you are
saying, Charles Barkley.

And that's what
we call an assist.

CHARLES BARKLEY: Hand stamp.

Donna, we have
to stop this fighting.

A wise man once
told me that we resent

mirrors that show us
what we don't want to see.

That's ridiculous.
I love mirrors.

The point is that I was mad
because you made me see

who I really am.

And I was shocked to
see what I have become.

Stop talking. You're sounding
human and I don't like that.

I'm a soft, privileged lady
and I thought that bothered me

until today I
realized it doesn't.

I don't want to do this.

I love my pretty, pretty life.

The only thing that
makes me feel bad is

that I don't really
feel bad about it.

Thank you so much
for opening up to me.

I almost started to
feel something for you,

but then when you
said you don't feel guilty,

my rage returned tenfold.

I need that rage, it gets
me up in the morning.

Well, if it helps you.

I eat everything I want and
I workout like once a year.

You're horrible.

Oh, thank you.

All right guys, tie
game, three seconds left.

There's only thing that
they're not gonna be expecting.

We're gonna get
the ball to Phil. What?

They're not even guarding you.

I'm so sure of this play I
just bet Barkley my car.

Is it a Honda?

No, it's a Phantom, with my
head as the hood ornament.

All right, let's win this thing.

Phil, honey, hi.
I'm sorry we're late

but at least we're here
for the end of the game.

Could really use a win
on the day I drank a fish.

"Drink like a fish."

A bunch of NBA players
are tweeting about this bet

between Charles Barkley
and DeAndre Jordan.

And they're live streaming it
so 60,000 people are watching.

Since when do people
care about basketball?

Calm down, Phil.
You can do this, pal.

You choose now to believe
in me for the first time?

(WHISTLES) All right,
Phil, you got this, man.

Two shots.

I can't go coach, my ankle.

Well, well, well.

League rules dictate,

if a player can't attempt a
free throw because of injury

opposing team gets
to pick the shooter.

Right. But you're
not a know-it-all.

Don't give his anger power.

I pick you.

Don't choke.

(CHEERING)

You go, Dad.

MAN: (OVER PA) Phil
Dunphy at the free throw line.

Tie score.

This is for all the
marbles, folks.

(EXHALES)

(LIGHTS CLICK OFF)

(PEOPLE GROANING) MAN: Come on.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

What happened?

It's gonna take an hour
to get the power back up

so they called the game.

I just feel so bad for Phil.

You know him as a
happy go lucky guy

but he has been beating
himself up over this for a year.

Oh, and he was so close.

CLAIRE: It's gonna
haunt him never knowing

if he would have made that shot.

(EXHALES)

Game's on the line.

Everybody's watching.

(EXHALES)

This one is for all
the marbles, folks.

Son of a bitch made it.

You know, I'm glad
we're doing this again.

Yeah, I think we just put too
much pressure on it the first time.

Humans aren't the only ones
who respond badly to pressure.

Did I tell you about
the day without eggs?

It was at the start of
the Omelet Days festival.

Up with the sun, I grab my
basket, into the hen house I go,

thirty four hens, nary an egg.

I know, I know, my grandpa said

it was the worst
case of avian anxiety

he'd seen since Pearl Harbor.

That's when they had to
take the radio out of the coop.