Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 15 - Finding Fizbo - full transcript

Hey, Cam. Louise,
what are you doing here?

You're not dropping out of the
League Championship tonight, are you?

Louise is dropping out of
the League Championship?

Did you shoot yourself in
the leg again? Oh, my God.

We're one win away from my first

sports trophy and
then this happens.

All I said was, "Hey, Cam."

So, this year I invited Mitchell

to join my Gay Bowling
Team, The Britney Spares.

I came up with the team name,

I designed the shirts. It's not
important who gets the credit.



When we first started, my
bowling was, well, it was iffy.

But then I practiced
and I practiced

until the shoe-rental
guy called me "decent."

I'm not here as a teammate. I'm
here on official police business.

What?

Please tell me that is not you.

MAN: What is that?

(MAN AND WOMAN
SCREAMING IN CAR) (THUDS)

(GASPS) Oh, no.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING) Oh!

Oh.

(MAILMAN SHRIEKING)

CAMERON: No, no.

That's Fizbo. With a scary mask.



That's clearly not me. Not him.

No. Who would do that?

Who would take
something so beautiful

and turn it into
something so ugly?

How did the guy get the costume?

Who knows.

Your father gave it to charity.

(BREATHILY) By accident.

How did I not hear that
fight? Was I in town?

All right, then, case closed.
I'll see you guys tonight.

What? No case closed.

We haven't even found the perp.

Look, the only reason I
was following up on this

is 'cause I thought
it might be you.

Well, yeah, but we have
to get my costume back.

We have to restore
Fizbo's good name.

But we're still gonna
go bowling, right?

Wow. You give away
my beloved alter ego

and you won't even allow me 30
seconds to have an emotional reaction.

Yeah. No, it sounded
fast as I was saying it.

And now, for the
finishing touch.

Franks for Frank.

Dad's bachelor party
is gonna be epic.

You couldn't see it. That's why.

Chicken wraps,

white wine, fudge.

Is this a bachelor party

or a party where ladies sit
around watching The Bachelor?

And, why did you get me a XXXL?

The lady said it's
gonna shrink in the wash.

How's it gonna do
in the trash? Jay.

Kidding. I'll use
it to wash my car.

My dad is marrying my
old babysitter, Lorraine,

who has a son, which means

that I am finally
getting a brother.

When I was young, I
wanted a brother so much,

my folks got me bunk beds.

At night, I'd pretend he
was up there and talk to him,

and when he didn't answer
back, I always just figured,

"Well, Marty's in a mood again."

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Excuse me. Do you
serve crabs here?

We serve anyone.

Jokes only get old
because they're good, right?

(BOTH LAUGHING) Nailed it.

Phil, this is Ray.

Wow. I guess we're
gonna be brothers.

Bring it in. (EXCLAIMING,
GRUNTING)

Oh. No... Oh! What's
happening? (LAUGHS)

We're brothers. (GRUNTS)
Isn't this what brothers do?

I don't know but I love it!

No. This guy totally tried
to touch my ding-dong.

(LAUGHS) I didn't know
it was that kind of party.

I guess you didn't see
the white wine and fudge.

White wine? That's
not gonna get me there.

Am I the only one who sees
me choking that guy out tonight?

I don't know. I got a
good feeling about Ray.

And I felt a lot of him.

He's just a little wound
up from the drive.

I'm sure you'll find
he's a real solid citizen.

(LAUGHS)

The sap across the
hall left his door open.

That's my room.

Oh. So I guess
you'll need these.

Before we start,
thanks for agreeing

to do this read-through
of my latest play,

A Withering Farewell
Under A Harvest Moon...

So catch... colon,
The Tears of Angels.

So catchy.

Right? It's a story of four
women who come together

to mourn the loss
of a family patriarch.

Oh, no. So sad. So very sad.

Pace yourself, crazy. We
haven't even started yet.

A man died, Claire.

A fake man. And if
he was a patriarch,

he was a fake old
man and old men die.

Surely this is a thought

that has occurred to you
from time to time, huh?

Please don't make
me part of this.

Anyway, when it's over, feel
free to share your thoughts.

What you liked? What you loved?

But also the negatives,
what went over your head

any word you didn't know.

I'm submitting my latest play
to a young Playwright's Festival.

But I wanna hear
it out loud first

to be sure I've hit all
my emotional marks.

One might ask, why
all female characters?

Well, let's just say, write what
you know. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Wait, to clarify. I
understand women.

I don't feel like I am one.

A hundred and ten
pages? What time

are we supposed
to get out of here?

Oh, honey. You got
a hot date tonight?

Mom, don't be mean.

Ignore her.

I actually am in a relationship.

But I've been hiding it
from everybody because

I have once again
chosen somebody

that is completely
inappropriate.

It's this older guy, Ben.

He works for my mother
and he lives with his mother.

I'm like a moth to a flame.

If the flame is an
underachieving man-child

with a Tasmanian
devil tattoo on his butt.

Sorry, this is going to
take longer than I expected.

Can you wait there? Sure.

My mom's got her
poker girls over anyway.

This one lady, Karen, she gets
real handsy with me. (LAUGHS)

She's not un-hot, either.

She's like an older,
curvy, Emily Blunt.

But Indian.

Don't try to make
me jealous, Ben.

One of my regulars at the
coffee shop is always asking

if I wanna do
some motor boating.

If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Now, okay,

I don't wanna get
ahead of myself

but does the trophy
have each of our names

or is it just the team name 'cause
I kind of want one of my own.

But you know what? No, never
mind. I'll just get it engraved.

Okay, How can you be thinking
about bowling at a time like this?

You mean, as we are going
into our bowling championship?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh! Text message.

Read text message.

MOBILE ASSISTANT: You
have a message from Martin.

I keep picturing you guys
holding the trophy later tonight.

Just kidding. You're not invited
to my Victory party. Ha-ha.

(BOTH SCOFF)

(LAUGHING)

Hello, Martin.

Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell.

Where's the rest of
the Britney Queers?

It's the Britney Spares, Martin.

The Britney Queers were
eliminated weeks ago.

Yes, by us.

Eventually, all will fall
to the Gay City Bowlers.

I forget. Do all the
names have to be puns?

Yes. It's like hair salons.

Unpleasant as always, Martin.

I'll see you in the alley.

I'm sure you say
that to a lot of men.

(GASPS) Mitchell! Fizbo!

What? Over there!

Cam, do you think it's possible

with how upset
you are about Fizbo,

that maybe you're seeing things?

Oh! No. Maybe it's another guy
with purple hair and a size 23 shoe.

Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here.

And, we begin.

"Lights up in the living
room of James Pickett.

The furnishings and art
tell us he was a wealthy man

but his money
couldn't buy taste.

Enter, four women in black
returning from a funeral.

First, James' widow

Chloe Dubois-Pickett."
That's me.

"A beautiful French
commoner who married up."

Ooh, la, la.

"Next is Bailey,
the granddaughter

cute as a button
and just as smart."

I like her.

"Following her is James'
sister, Professor Alma Diller, 60s.

There's no problem she can't
solve except her own loneliness.

Finally James' daughter, Kate,

attractive, intense,
sharp tongued

fleeting moments of warmth."

Fleeting moments of warmth?

I get it. This is the
story of the four of us

through some sort of
distorted Manny lens.

Yeah, just because I'm
smart I end up a spinster?

You know what I could be doing
right now, if I didn't get seasick?

Okay, calm down. These
characters are a compilation

of many other women
I've known. Not you people.

Okay, let's start.

"Kate enters and crosses
straight to the credenza.

As she pours herself a
much needed glass of wine..."

Mmm.

All right. "To be honest,

I can't believe the old
grump didn't die years ago."

Nice. My first line is something
horrible about my dead dad.

How cold do you think I am?

Didn't I just say it's not you?

Isn't it though? What?

"Old people die. Get over it."

That was like 20 minutes ago.

Okay, now hang on...
Is this like a whole thing?

So, I'm just gonna
grab a water real quick.

Oh, come on.

Who are you
texting? Nah! No one.

I'm just reading my horoscope.

Liar. Why would anyone read
their horoscope so late in the day

when everything's
already happened?

There is a dude, isn't there?

What? No.

Sneaking off with your
phone. The clean hair,

your one bra that
fits properly, spill.

Ugh! Okay, fine.
There is a dude.

Oh, God. He's not another
high school boy, is it?

No, he's legal. He's just
embarrassing in a different way.

You know you've been
like this your whole life?

Ashamed of the romantic,
sexual part of you?

Honestly, it seems
like you think

you don't deserve it but you do.

And if this guy is
fun and good to you,

and doesn't ride a
scooter, then it'd be okay.

Haley. Thanks.

Ladies, I don't
know what emotional

thing is playing out right now,

but how about you
save it for over there?

And then I sent
you the cutest video

of a puppy nursing
on a mama lion,

and what do you text back,

"She's getting him fat so
that he tastes better at lunch"?

Yeah, So what? My
crime is I'm hilarious?

Can we get back to this, please?

Kate just said she
couldn't believe

her father didn't
die sooner then...

"The widow Dubois
slumps in a chair, emotional."

(MOANS) "Ma cherie.

(IN POOR FRENCH ACCENT)
Your papa would be devastated

to hear you say such
insensitive things."

Really? You're gonna
do the whole accent thing?

Lo and behold.

What do we see?

The queen of spades is gone.

Where could she be?

In Frank's pocket. I
saw you put it there.

So it is.

Great trick, Phil.

Nice assist, Ray.

I thought this was supposed
to be a bachelor party.

Where's the female
entertainment?

Oh, don't you worry about that.

♪ Mr. Sandman

♪ Bring me a dream

♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen

♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover

♪ And tell him that his
lonesome nights are... ♪

What are you doing?

Calling time of death.

Oh, not you, ladies. You're
still very vital, of course.

Hey, we really
appreciate all the riveting

you did during the war.

Dad was enjoying them.

Just as well, (LAUGHS)

I'm about to be married.

I don't need to be tempted
by all those bum, bum, bums.

Was that it for the
planned activities?

No, we're just getting started.

For the next hour, it's a
$5 buy-in game of Uno.

Then downstairs
to Captain Scupper's

the best oysters in the desert

and finally, put on your
neckties, gentlemen

'cause I have four balcony seats

to Mr. Neil...

Please say "Diamond."

Sedaka.

What a night.

Oh. We need some
ice. I'll be right back.

What the hell is Uno?

Sort of a thinking
man's Crazy Eights.

Instead of playing
cards up here,

there is a casino downstairs

with actual big-boy drinks.

I'm right behind him.

We'll grab Phil on the way.

Or, wouldn't it be fun for him

to try and find us?

FRANK: Oh! He'll love that.

Hey, Louise. I just
saw that psycho

impostor clown
out by the dumpster

giving me threating looks.

Look, Flouncy... It's Fizbo.

I'm talking to you.

I don't have time for
your clown nonsense.

We've got a championship to win.

I'm gonna go warm-up
with the Pindigo Girls.

Why does this have
to be happening today?

Mitchell,

maybe it's happening
because it's today.

Maybe somebody is trying to get

my head to throw me off my game.

Oh, honey, do you really
think people care enough...

You know what? There are
six people just in my eyesight

that would do anything to
break my winning streak.

For instance, Martin.

He's never forgiven
me for making him feel

like your father
was in love with him.

Okay, it couldn't
have been Martin,

we saw him like three seconds
before you thought that you saw...

Actually saw. What
is this about my dad?

Fine, it's not Martin.

But it certainly could
be Senor Kaplan.

(COUNTING IN
SPANISH) Uno, dos, tres,

cuatro, cinco, seis.

Hola, Senor Kaplan.

If you're here to talk
trash, I'm not interested.

Where were you 20 minutes ago

and can anybody account
for your whereabouts?

Not that it's any
of your business,

but I happened to be in the
photo booth taking some solos.

I'm gonna use number
three for my new passport.

I would use two, there's
a twinkle in your eye.

But I have a different theory as
to where you were 20 minutes ago.

And it would have given
you exactly enough time

to change out of
the clown costume

into your bowling
outfit... (SHRIEKS)

What's wrong?

No, no, I just saw
Fizbo in the mirror.

I don't know what's
going on with you, Tucker.

But in my culture, we like
to call it, "Loco en la cabeza."

Okay, knock it off
you're Canadian.

"You all seem to
forget I'm not alone.

I have Albert.

You can search
the world and I defy

you to find a more
devoted loving...

parrot."

"I use to like
talking to Albert.

But then we got into
a fight over a cracker."

"Kate whispers to
Bailey as they watch

the widow sadly plunking
notes on the piano."

"How long do we
have to stay with her?

We can leave now, right?"

"I knew when your papa die,

I would never see you again."

"(SIGHS) No matter what
I do you refuse to accept

that I accepted you."

"Mais non, I'm sorry, I
just so emotional today."

"But of course you are, Chloe.

And I'm sorry if I made
you feel like an outsider."

"I love you, you know.

Je t'aime."

"I love you too."

Blackout.

Bravo!

Really, Manny?

My character gets into a fight
with a parrot over a cracker.

I told you that
story in confidence.

And for the record,

I'm nothing like my character.

I'm not lonely at all. I
have tons of options.

I'm actually going
to see one right now.

And thanks to Haley, I'm no
longer ashamed talking about him.

Who is it? No one.

What's his name? Nothing.

Well, if that's it
for the feedback.

No, actually... Oh, yay.

For me, the ending
felt a little trite.

There's a lot of
good stuff in there

but the whole "I'm
sorry, I'm sorry,"

"I love you, I
love you" I just...

I think women are more
complicated than that.

Don't listen to her, Manny.

The ending was beautiful.

It's just that some
woman have a hard time

expressing their feelings.

Oh, this again? Gloria,
I'm a very feeling person.

Oh, really? From the woman
that writes in my birthday cards

"Best, Claire."

How is that not warm? I'm
wishing you quite literally the best.

I am a person in your family.

I am not a woman that
does your eyebrows.

Why would I send
her a birthday card?

The question is,

why can't you
write "Love, Claire"?

I write "Love, Gloria."

I even dot the "I"
with a huge heart.

I tell you that I love you,
and you say "Me, too."

Why? Why can't you
tell me that you love me?

I don't know why I
can't tell you that.

I... There was time I wanted to,

and then the moment
passed and time went by

and then it just felt forced.

You say it all the time.

One can argue that dilutes it.

So now it's my fault?

I am lashing out at you
because this is not the first time

I've been accused of this.

I am sorry I haven't
said it before, Gloria,

I love you.

I love you.

Okay.

My God, you're
right. It is trite.

You got this, Sam. (APPLAUSE)

Come on.

You, on the other hand,
throw one more gutter ball

and I will literally
frame you for murder.

No pressure.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(KISSES)

I wonder what that's about.

Oh! (SHUSHING)

(MOCK SHUSHING) (SCOFFS)

You two seem awfully chummy.

Well, if by "chummy," you mean,

"in the throes of an
electric sexual relationship,"

then, yes, you bet your
bowling balls we're chummy.

(COUGHS)

Oh, my gosh.

I just put it all together.

You're both Fizbo.

When I'm with one of you,
the other's wearing the costume

creating the perfect alibi.

Light-bulb moment.

This clown thing
again. Look, Tucker.

If I wanted to get back at you

for, oh, I don't know,
say something like,

setting me up with your
straight father-in-law,

I certainly wouldn't do it by
stealing your stupid Bozo suit.

It's Fizbo.

Way to take the
high road, sweetie.

First, I'd hack your emails,

then I create several
fake social media accounts

which I would use to mount the
multi-pronged smear campaign

to drive a wedge between
you and everything you love.

Wow. (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Maybe a bit of a red flag.

And then I'd get several
credit cards in your name

and then embark on a
massive identity-theft scheme

that would leave you bankrupt

and, with any luck at all,
facing criminal charges.

That's what I'd do.

Okay. She's a bit
of a handful, huh?

I was thinking we
should take a beat

on meeting your
parents this weekend.

What do you say? All right.

What?

Bravo! Bravo!

If you think your little
over-the-top revenge monolog

is going to throw
me off your scent,

then you are sorely mistaken.

Now, open your bag.

What?

All of you, open your bags.

Cam, you gotta stop.

Open them! Hey! Hey!

You're paranoid.
You're paranoid.

No one is dressing up...

Damn it! I hate
when you're right.

What? There he is.

Chase him. Get him.

Stop!

Impostor!

(THUD) (GROANS)

Close your door,
man, we're in pursuit.

Okay, okay, okay. Thank you.

Okay.

We lost him. Wait, his mask.

(SNIFFS) It smells like
beer and cheese fries.

Oh, Mitchell, that's
good investigative work.

You've narrowed it down to
everyone in the bowling alley.

Uno.

There you are. We're
been looking all over for you.

Did you check in here? In
the room where the party is?

Don't worry, we
didn't forget about you.

Boop!

I hope it was
worth it. We missed

our reservation at
Captain Scupper's.

Don't worry, Phil, we ate.

Pit boss sent some shrimp
cocktails over to our craps table.

Along with some regular
cocktails. Am I right?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You had to be there.

I get it, you had
shrimp and drinks.

Now, if it's not
too much trouble,

maybe we can get
back on schedule.

We don't wanna miss
Sedaka's opening act,

"Extremely Little Richard."

Good golly, is he small?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Change of plans I
traded those tickets

for seats to Sexcalibur.

You what? It's a
dirty Medieval Times.

Are you kidding me?

It's okay, Phil.

I waited 79 years
to see Neil Sedaka.

I can wait another 79.

No, Dad, you're being too nice.

This is your bachelor
party not yours.

You're ruining this whole night.

You ruined it when
you planned it.

And get that finger
out of my face.

Nobody hijacks my dad's party.

And nobody tells me
where to put my finger.

Boop!

Here we go.

I wanted a brother when I was
ten, not a ten year old brother.

You're the baby.

You're older but
you're the baby.

You're no Marty.

Not much of a fight
but maybe we should...

I know I thought it
was gonna get good.

All right, that's enough.

Phil, you're being ridiculous.

Ray, I don't know you but
you seem like a horse's ass.

All right, now! Grow up!

Start acting like gentlemen.

Would you two mind stepping
out in the hall for a second?

I need to have a word with Phil.

All right, but hurry up.

We don't want to miss the
unlacing of the first wench.

I really appreciate
all you've done

arranging my
party but, you know,

I'm happy doing whatever.

Is something else bothering you?

I don't know.

So much is changing, Dad.

I guess I'm kind of afraid
that this is the end an era.

Now I have to share you
with Lorraine, with that.

You're not losing me.

As a matter of fact, you're
gonna be seeing a lot more of me.

Lorraine and I have been kind
of kicking around the idea of

moving to California.

To be closer to me? Yes.

It will be further from Ray.

Hey, Louise.

We just saw evil Fizbo again.

It's true. I was there. We
lost him in the parking lot.

Yeah, we looked in every car.

Geez, Louise, there has
to be something you can do.

Fine. First thing
tomorrow, I'll look into it

if you can focus on bowling.

I can. There you are.

I've been looking all
over for you. It's your turn.

Sorry, I was in the ladies room.

I was putting IcyHot
on my hammies.

Mmm.

(GROANS) Oh!

Did you do something
to your hand?

I just hurt it
playing air hokey.

They got rid of the air
hockey table months ago.

(STAMMERS) No, I mean...

(STUTTERS) Wait a minute.

You go missing,

then you mysteriously
hurt your hand

and then, okay, there
is lipstick in this mask

and it is the same shade
as the lipstick on your beer.

(GASPS) You're Fizbo?

You wear lipstick?

But you're on our team.

Why would you do this?

Because you bug me.

That's it?

You picked the team name,
you designed the shirts,

you take all the credit.
Everything is about you.

You messed with his head so that

he loses the team championship.

Yeah, opening the door
for you to be captain.

I should be captain.

Give me my Fizbo.

You get out of my face.

Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

Is there still a chance
we can still win this?

Not unless we can pick
up 57 pins in one frame.

Yeah. But you
get out of his face.

Hello, fruit of
your father's loins.

"Mitchell's" fine.

You know, speaking of Jay...

You brought him up.

Well, your father
and I had a moment.

A couple of years ago,

when he was pretending to be gay

so that he could
bowl in our league.

I know he said it was all an act

but what I felt from him,

it was just so very real.

Okay, Martin, I hate
to break this to you,

but my dad is potentially the
straightest man on the planet.

Yeah, but that notwithstanding,

do you think maybe you could
give me his phone number?

It's just always felt like an
unfinished business to me.

I am not giving you
his phone number.

I'll give you my
trophy. It's 3-1-0...