Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Heavy Is the Head - full transcript

Breathe it in, girls.

My journey begins today.

I'm finally bringing something
into this world I can be proud of.

As children, the Wright Brothers
dreamed of flying machines.

Oprah dreamed of hiding
presents under chairs.

And I dreamed of building
something magnificent.

Well, recently Jay and
I bought a vacant lot

on which we're
building Dunphy Tower.

What I wouldn't give
to reach back in time

to tell the 15-year-old
dreamer who drew this.

We did it, kid.



Hey.

Claire, you look terrible.

Thanks. No.

You're all locked up.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I guess the spa day that I
booked for you tomorrow

came at the perfect time.

Oh, right. That.

I have to be very delicate
with Gloria around my birthday.

Last year, for
some insane reason

she got me this gift certificate

for ridiculous salsa
dancing lessons,

like I'm ever going
to use that. Come on.

Anyway. Somehow
she's convinced herself



I didn't "appreciate" her gifts.

You know, (SCOFFS)
some people...

So, tomorrow at work
might be a little bit hectic.

There's a lot going
on at the office.

And it's not that I don't
want to do it, 'cause I do.

No, Claire. Let's not
do this dance again.

We all know how you
feel about dancing.

Proud, proud day,
Phil. Thanks, partner.

We should get this
show on the road.

The photographer's been taking
shots of Haley when she's not looking.

That's weird. I didn't
hire a photographer.

Dunphy, right? Gerard
Cook. Nice shovel.

Thanks. I painted it myself.

This is my partner,
Jay Pritchett.

I represent Jeda Tech.
Are you familiar with us?

Not in the least. You
have to forgive Jay,

he's a bit of a Luddite. Anyway,

our building is two doors down,
we want to expand our campus.

We want this slot.

And we're prepared to offer you
20 percent over what you paid,

plus expenses. That's
a nice offer, Gerard,

but I don't think you understand
what's happening here.

It's not about the huge profits.

We're building my
son-in-law's dream,

and it's going to
be a giant success.

Because this is a man of vision.

Oh, I know all about dreams.

Someday I hope to get into
encrypted packet switching.

Good luck to you, gentlemen.

Jay, this man's vision
just got blurry with tears.

Would you get a hold of
yourself? I just said that crap

to drive the price up.

He'll be back. I don't
want him to come back.

Whether you meant
or not, this is my dream.

We're in this to make money.

And we will.

By the power vested in me

by the commercial zoning board,

I do hereby officially break
ground on the future home...

of Dunphy Towers.

Oh, that's...

Strong soil.

That's a good omen.
I'm going to pogo it.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Anybody else bring a shovel?

Oh, thank God you're
here. It's a nightmare.

The staff is in uproar
about these budget cuts.

Telling them there is no
more overtime was bad,

but when I had to tell them
there are no more bagels,

someone threw a cup at my head.

I don't know what else to do.

Sales wise, we didn't exactly
have the Christmas I was hoping for.

What did people give
each other anyway?

Well, just spitballing here. Maybe we
could fire Kenny from the warehouse.

No one's getting fired.
But he does a really hurtful

impression of me. (SIGHS)

Come on, guys.
Everybody gather around.

I don't like these budget
cuts any more than you do.

But I want you to know
I'm in this with you.

I've cut my expenses. All
the execs are flying coach.

But I do want you to feel
like you have a voice in this.

So, not only is my office
door always open to you,

I've actually had it removed.

That's a very powerful
metaphor, boss.

"That's a very powerful
metaphor, boss."

(LAUGHTER) Kenny,
thanks for keeping it light.

So good.

GLORIA: Happy Birthday!

What are you doing here?

You said you were too busy to
get away from the office to celebrate,

so I brought the
celebration to you.

Snap.

Oh! Is that caviar?

Yes!

And something to wash it down.

Oh, yay! Champagne.

Get me a door.

If I don't win the science fair
with this thing you built me,

it's rigged. Amen, sister.

Oh, come on. You
started without me?

No, we finished without you.

Yeah, we wanted it to work.

I guess you also wanted
it to be really simplistic,

because right there you can
make it better if you added... Okay.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

So, right there, you can make
it better if you just added...

Okay. I thought you
said you were done.

Okay. Mitchell, I love you.

But?

No but.

Yet we both know I'm the more
mechanically inclined daddy.

I'm handy.

If it makes you feel any
better, I didn't do anything either.

No, that doesn't
make me feel better.

You're supposed to
be learning from this.

I learned a new
swear word. (GASPS)

Um, I got a splinter,
it was worth it.

Watch. Okay.

Is that it?

I'm confused 'cause I'm
not "mechanically inclined."

Hardy har har, no. I just need
to make a little adjustment.

Watch out! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!
MITCHELL: Are you okay?

That's not part of it.

I got here as quick as I could.

Please tell me
this is good news.

Please tell me that's oil.

Found a sewer
line running straight

through the property.

Also a water main,
and for some reason

giant pockets of methane.

Talk to me, Pete.

I feel like I just did.

How much is it going to cost?

Money wise you're
looking at mid six figures.

When you say six, does that
include the two cent figures?

No.

Plus time wise, you're
looking at, maybe a year to lay

with permits,
utilities, environment...

Stop talking to me, Pete.

Oh, my God. Why is Jay here?

I called him too.

He'll shut this whole
project down if he sees this.

Put some plywood over the hole.

Tony, do what you can to
cover the methane smell.

Everybody else just look busy.

How could this happen? I had a
ladybug land on my shoulder today.

What's the problem?

Problem is I'm hungry.

The solution, we're walking
distance to Little India.

Shall we? What's that smell?

That's... That's Pete.
He's very sensitive about it.

Don't bring it up.
While I got you,

I was thinking about putting
in a bike rack over here.

Whoa!

What the hell is that?
I didn't see anything.

I'm sure if something was
wrong someone would have...

Oh, they love quitting time.

(CHUCKLES) It's
like The Flintstones.

I'm starting to develop a theory

that maybe all this is
related to why Pete called me.

Jay, I think that's
just a little paranoia.

(SLOSHES)

Well... it was one thing.

Sorry, this one's definitely
vanilla, I thought you said mocha.

Oops, I accidentally
made my favorite drink.

Thanks for the tip.
I've been working here

for five years, didn't get
this far by being stupid.

Thinking about having a
little party at my place tonight.

You're down, A-Dog?

If "down" means attending and
"A-Dog" means Alex, then yes.

I thought I'd quit the coffee
shop when I went back to school

but I'm kind of loving it.

Plus, it taught me
something important.

If you pretend to be who
people want you to be,

you can have as many
friends as you want.

God, I would love another
crack at high school.

Oh, God. Here he comes.

Who?

(SIGHS) This
little guy in his 40's

here every Friday.

Always has a super
complicated drink order.

Hey, Alex, I'll have a 20 ounce,

iced skinny hazelnut macchiato,

sugar free syrup,
double shot of espresso.

Light ice, not no ice. No whip.

Thank you for meeting with me.

I came as fast as I could.

I lied to my boyfriend.

Everybody does it at the
beginning of a relationship.

"Oh, I love jazz. It's
sexy when a man cries.

"Your daughter is so sweet."

Me? I told Rainer I love his
favorite show Game Of Thrones,

so now he's taking
me to Comic-Con.

I don't love Game Of Thrones.

I've never even seen
Game Of Thrones.

And for the record, his
daughter is kind of a monster.

This is a lot to
cover in four hours.

Let's start with
everything you know

about George R. R.
Martin's master work.

I know this guy dies,
there's lots of boobs,

and I want to say a spaceship?

This'll go a lot faster
if you don't talk.

So, he's kind of related
to me but it's a long story.

Hey, it's okay. We all come
from messed up families.

My uncle's my dad.

Shift schedule is up.

What the literal hell?

Double shift today
and 6:00 a.m. tomorrow.

That's not fair.

Management don't care.

Party tonight is off.

Nothing is off. A-Dog is on it!

"A-Dog"? Let me have this.

So, you put a little bit
of the cream on top.

And then...

Uh-huh. Got it. Mmm.

Terrific birthday
surprise. Sorry, it's over.

It's just starting. I have
a lot of surprises coming.

JOSHUA: (SING-SONG)
Knockity knock, knock.

Okay, what do I do?

What did you do? It's a massage!

Let them in, young man.

It's Ben, we've met 30 times.

CLAIRE: Oh, Gloria.

Friend. Listen.

While I appreciate
the idea of massage...

You hate it. (STAMMERS)

You always hate my gifts,
I don't even know why I try.

No, no. Please, let me finish.

I've always appreciated the
thought of a massage at my office,

and now it's actually happening.

(EXCLAIMS) Thank you.

Which one of you lovelies
is Claire? GLORIA: She is!

Oh, great. Just give me
the quick version, okay.

Ninety minutes. You got
it, hon. CLAIRE: Okay.

My department is asking if
there's still going to be coffee

or if they have to start
bringing it. Who's this?

Uh, he's interviewing for
a job in the warehouse.

He's a, um, forklift operator.

That's right. It's 2017,

there are plenty of
gay forklift drivers.

I'm not gay!

It's cool, bro, I'm woke.

"It's cool, bro, I'm woke."

(LAUGHING) That's funny! You
sound just like that guy over there.

Okay. It's back to work time.

We're going to take
a look at these. Yeah.

See you later, we'll catch up.

Okay. This is crazy.
I don't need an MRI.

The doctor ordered it when you
told her you could taste colors,

in a French accent. All right.

I don't even do a French accent.

I didn't say it was a good one.

Guys, we usually try to
move the head injuries along.

Yes. Okay. Well, it's...

It's just so small.

It's bigger than it looks.

See, there's nothing
wrong with my brain

'cause I have three
funny comebacks to that.

Cam, come on. Let's
listen to, uh, Bobby.

He knows what
he's talking about.

I don't think you can
really trust anything

a grown man named "Bobby" says.

Come on, honey, you got this.

Okay. Robert? Hi.

Still have a quick question.

So, listen. I know
this is a giant magnet,

and I have a lot of fillings.

Are they going to
fly out of my head?

That never happens.

Okay. I'm also on
an iron supplement,

is that... An issue? No.

Let's just get you
on that table, huh?

Come on.

Hmm.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(GRUNTS)

No. Okay. Not happening.

I'm having flashbacks.

I don't know if I
ever told you this,

but when I was a
kid I fell into a well.

BOTH: It happened the
same day as baby Jessica,

but she got all the press.

It still stings.
Everybody loves a baby,

but not one single
prayer for a husky teen

who stuck head first at a well
for the better part of an hour.

Okay, Cam, come on. You've
got to calm down, all right?

It'll be over
before you know it.

In an hour. Okay. That's...

No, No! Okay, Cam, Cam.

Bobby, is it okay if I
get in there to show Cam

that it's all right? Do
we have time for that?

Sure, my four
o'clock hemorrhaged.

Can you not... Okay.

All right. Look at this, Cam.

Just be careful.
It's comfortable.

We've got you.

Okay. I'm good. Okay.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Actually, Cam,
this is very peaceful.

It was torture chamber. I was
in there one minute and I cried.

(SNIFFS) I feel so
rested. I do, I do. I really do.

Now you. It's all good.

There you go. All right.

And I will be right
here beside you.

Uh, no one's allowed in
here except the patient.

I'll be in the next
room right beside you.

Okay. So put your headphones on.

They're going to
play you something

to get your mind off of it.

This is the panic button,

just push it if you
need to get out.

CAMERON: Oh, okay.

Well, I think I can do this.

(EXHALES)

(ON HEADPHONES) This
American Life. I'm Ira Glass.

Today's program, puppy love...

We hear the story of a
man who met his soul mate

through a lost schnauzer,

a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon,

who, for one week, was mayor.

And we start with act one,

a search-and-rescue
collie looking for his owner

who is buried alive for 18 days.

WOMAN: After drinking
his own urine for a week,

Horris Louton could no
longer ignore the terrible truth.

He was running out of oxygen.

Help. Help!

Help! Get me out of here!

Hey, I will kill you!

Oh!

Cam, come on. This is serious.

(GASPING)

Oh, my God. I can't
breathe. I need air. I need air!

I'm sorry. He's being
such a baby, huh?

There's a camera in
there. I watched you cry.

And finally, employees should
have a say in the shifts schedule.

It would allow us to
plan our lives accordingly

and it would result
in fewer missed days.

In summation, no caffeination
without representation.

So, am I fired?

Are you kidding me?

Those are 20 ounce
ideas in a 16 ounce cup.

I have overlooked
a rising star...

right under my nose.

But that's the... Yes.

The assistant manager's apron.

I didn't come in here for that.

That's exactly why
you're getting it.

But I can't... Shh!

Oh, my God. This
is so confusing.

So, the little guy from Elf...

Tyrion Lannister.

Whatever, I don't
know actors' names.

Is he Jaime's brother
or Cersei's brother?

Both. Jaime and Cersei
are brother and sister.

But they were just doing it in
the tower. That is so twisted.

(GASPS) Go on.

Guys, the craziest
thing just happened.

I went in there with
a list of demands...

And weaseled your
way to a promotion.

No. Trust me, nothing
is going to change.

But while I'm staring
at it, will one of you guys

mind taking out this
trash at some point?

Heil assistant manager.

No, no. This is
good for all of us.

Now we have someone
on the inside. Me.

A-Dog. More like Adolf.

(STAMMERING) I think you're
really minimizing that atrocity.

Now let me do the talking.

Good. I don't feel like talking.

Since I nurtured a
dream for 30 years

only to see it go up in
flames like Pete's eyebrow.

I feel like a part of me...
This is you not talking?

There he is. Go.

Oh, it's you.

Now, before you say anything,
we're still not interested.

Okay. But if we were interested

it would take a hell of a lot
more than what you offered.

What about all the
sewage? You'll get used to it.

Gentlemen, when
I made that offer

we didn't know about
any of the problems.

I'm afraid we're no
longer interested.

Gerard, I like you.

We're willing to
go five percent.

Like I said, the
offer is off the table.

You guys need a ride?
I have a car! Thank you.

Hope it's not that
one over there.

JAY: You, my dog is in that car.

Hey!

And as Hodor blocked the door
to save his friend, Bran Stark,

Bran had a vision of a
younger Hodor saying,

"Hold the door, hold
the door, hold door."

And finally, Hodor,

the only word he would
say for the rest of his life...

A life that was now ending.

(CRYING) He knew.

(VOICE BREAKING)
Hodor knew his whole life

that his destiny was
to save his little friend.

Just like you have saved me
from embarrassment at Comic-Con.

So, thank you, Manny.

My pleasure. I should get going.

Oh, yeah. Me too. I have to
change into my Khaleesi costume.

I could probably stick
around for a few more minutes.

Maybe I'll move
the party to Monday.

Oh, I'm free Monday.

Let's talk later.

No, please. I never
meant to betray you.

Your friendship means more
to me than this stupid apron.

"Stupid"?

Oh, Scott.

There's a whole world of people

that would kill to
wear this apron,

but this just isn't my path.

This extra responsibility
has me feeling alienated.

It's lonely one step
down from the top.

You may not believe this, but
it's even lonelier way up here.

Somewhere on my climb
I forgot my own dream.

To be the best damn speed
metal drummer in the Inland Empire.

There's still time, Scott.
SCOTT: You're right.

I quit. What?

You are the manager now.

Hey, you two. Party
at my house. Come on.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, FYI, one of the
toilets is over flowing.

Seriously? The roof?

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

I just needed some
space and some fresh air.

It smells so purple.

Okay. You're going
in that tube. Come on.

Seriously? That's as
hard as you can pull?

I am not the weak one here.

You're the one who won't
even get a simple medical test.

What? Are you scared? Huh?

You're chicken? Yeah.

And I thought I made it clear
in there when I peed a little.

Fine. You just go ahead and die.

And I'll raise Lily by myself,

and she will never step
foot in another farm or circus.

I will haunt you.

Or you could just get
your head checked,

so we don't lose you
over some stupid fear.

Do you know what I went through
in that well on October 14th, 1987,

while the whole world was focused
on that media whore, Jessica?

She was a baby, but yeah.

It was hell.

And I would not have survived

if those firemen
wouldn't have figured out

a way to lower
my little aunt Edna

into that well and
touched my feet

and tell me that it
was going to be okay,

and that I wasn't alone.

Cam, if there is a way that I
could be in there with you, I would,

but I... Wait a minute.

Hey, you're doing great,
okay. I'm right there with you.

You're not alone.

Thank you.

You're a good husband.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Oh, and Cam,

if the scan shows
that you're fine

you could suck it because this
mechanically challenged daddy

made this foot rubbing
machine all by himself!

I did. I did this.

It's good, right?

I see you unclenching.

I'm just concerned that other
people are going to see me.

Keep still, please.

BEN: I told you she's
in a meeting right now.

Let go of my tie.

You're not getting any looser.

Ah! I wonder why.

Get back to work.
It's a little hard to focus

with the smell of truffles

just wafting out of
your girlfriend's office.

My girlfriend is
your boss, okay.

And she's not my girlfriend.

I won't deny we have chemistry,

a certain "will they,
won't they" kind of vibe.

Okay, guys, hi. If you could
just give me 20 minutes

to deal with a
personal situation,

I promise I will come out and
address all of your concerns.

What is going on in there? Yeah.

Well, um, it's a
medical situation.

Actually, and it's
kind of embarrassing.

So, I appreciate your
support in this difficult time.

(SIGHS)

We got to wrap this up.
How long do you need?

At least 15 minutes.

Yeah, five.

And this job is hard enough.

(CLAIRE GROANING)

Uh, hey, so, small problem.

GLORIA: It can wait!

Every problem can wait!

So now go, mister.

Come on, I've been in your home.

All right, Ben.

What is it? Today is
Margaret's birthday,

but it was too late to
have canceled the cake.

Everyone saw it get delivered.

It's fine. Let them eat cake!

What? Is she kidding?

CLAIRE: That's not what I meant!

Claire, breathe. No, no!

Gloria, we're done.

Don't scream at me. I just
wanted to make you happy.

And I'm just trying
to make you happy

because you're so damn sensitive

about me not liking
your birthday presents.

Come on. This is the
last thing I needed today.

(DOOR RATTLES)

Oh, my God! Look at her hands.

She's been in here
getting a manicure.

How do you sleep? Get her!

Whoa. Back it up, Josie.
Nobody's going to get her.

I've realized that the optics are
a bit troubling, especially today.

A day when you've
been sipping champagne,

while we've gone over
an hour without snacks.

Enough!

You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

How long have I
known you people?

Dom, Kenny,
Josie, the two hands.

Seriously? You
all go home at 5:00,

this woman never punches out.

She goes home and never sleeps

because she's thinking how
to make this company better.

Can't you tell what a
mess she has become?

How tensed she is.

Her awkward tics!

The way she grinds
her teeth to dust.

I think that she deserves
some pampering.

So, now, get out
of here! Let's go.

Gloria. I am sorry.

I just wanted to
make it right this year.

Oh, you did. You really did.

Okay, good. So go
back and sit down

because hugging you is
like hugging a cold rack.

Bah. Okay. Oh, that's
good. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. I dreamt too
big. It's not your fault.

I'm the one who believed in you.

You're also the one
who overplayed his hand.

We've already established
mistakes were made.

We need to be thinking
about next steps.

Maybe we need to
build something smaller,

like a cool restaurant
or something.

I've thought about that. Who's
going to come down here?

There's nowhere to park.

Oh, my God! That's
it. A parking lot.

That's not bad.

We could build it for nothing

and pay off the majority
loan by tomorrow.

Let's talk about this
somewhere else.

Maybe 15-year-old
Phil had it right.

Sometimes you have to look at
your dream from a different angle.

I guess it was a
parking lot all along.

(TIMER DINGS)

Please tell me that's
dinner, I'm starving.

No, that's daddy's alarm.

We can't let him nap
for more than two hours

because of the concussion.

Oh, look at him. He
looks so peaceful.

He's had such a rough day.

When I tried to wake him
up last time, he got so upset.

I'll do it.

Who raised you?

Fine. Just be
gentle, okay? Thanks.

Also, don't touch
this. It's my art project.

Oh, can I help
you with that? No.

Daddy said he should because
he's more artistic than you.

Okay.

(CLANGING)

What? What? What?

Oh, good. You're alive.