Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 13 - Do It Yourself - full transcript

PHIL: Okay.

Screwdriver.

(METAL CLANGING)

Oh, no, you don't.

Back up screwdriver.

I come from a long
line of handy men.

My dad used to fix everything.
Lawnmowers, cars, our cat.

So it made sense that I
tackle the clothes dryer

after the repair guy
tried to rip me off.

I'm not paying $350 for a
moisture sensor that cost $28.

I'll fix it myself.



It's a complicated job.

You know what I did
back in the Russia?

Yeah, yeah, I know. You
were a doctor or a scientist.

I fixed dryers. Oh...

I've been doing this a
long time, is my point.

Well, Yuri, Phil
Dunphy is no push over.

I'm afraid it's a hard nyet.

(CLATTERING)

I guess these are clean enough.

I'll have this thing
running in no time, honey.

I have an instructional video

and I'm labeling each
part as I take it out.

Right back corner.
Tiny elbowy thingie.

My right, dryer left.



Can't you do this
somewhere else?

Right. The dryer's the one
that needs to get its own place.

Honey, you have to be up
anyhow. We've got our cooking class.

I want to get there early.
Grab a stove up front.

Oh, my God, mom. You and
that chef, keep it in your apron.

Mom's obsessed with this
TV chef, Charles Dumont.

She watches the show everyday.
Not sure she listens though.

(OVER TV) Pinch
of sugar and your

tastebuds will
surrender like the French.

I'm sorry, if that joke
was a little fromage.

Did he say salt? ALL: Sugar.

Mmm. I'd love to
give him some sugar.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

I'm pretty sure he said salt.

Take a taste. Oh... Ah.

Mmm. Yeah, that's
got something in it.

Yeah.

Almost out of cooking
juice. Mmm-hmm.

DUMONT: (OVER TV) All right,
the next step is very important.

You sure you don't
want to pause it?

Oh, no, I'm good.

We gotta fix this. Mmm-hmm.

We can't tell her
how bad her food is

because that would destroy her.

So when I found out Chef
Dumont was coming to town,

I signed us up for his class.

So he could do it.

(CLATTERING)

(GRUNTS)

Whoa.

I know, pretty intense, huh?

Now I just grab the
sensor and put it...

(SNIFFLES)

A little linty in here.

Probably should've emptied...

(SNEEZES)

Are the parts okay?
Yeah. They're fine.

Oh, thank God. I don't know...

Oh... (CRASHING)

All right, Joe, fire
it in here, buddy.

Oh!

Yes. All right, good.

Now, I don't have
to tell another son

that some boys
have different gifts.

Good job there, slugger.

What the hell's
going on here, Gloria?

I feel like I died. I'm
watching my family as a ghost.

Don't be silly. If that happened

I would've changed
all this furniture.

I hired Coach Gary. He's
gonna teach Joe how to throw.

Joe is the worst in his team.

I hear you!

Your son's in good hands, Jay.

I led my team to the
championship last year.

We weren't supposed to keep
score but I did it in my head.

This is crazy. A kid's supposed
to learn this stuff from his dad.

Baseball, how to drive a car.

How to fight a guy from Jersey.

You think he took his knife?

He's got another one.

Joe learned to
throw by copying Jay.

But Jay throws all crazy
because of his bad shoulder.

Like this, buddy.

Son of a...

Son of a...

It's the same
reason Joe whistles

"Sentimental Journey"
when he pees.

You seem like a nice
guy and all, but I got this.

Hey, no sweat.
Coach Gary gets it.

Hey, don't forget your ball.

It's okay, Jay. Some
boys have different gifts.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

CAMERON: Let me get
the door. Okay, thank you.

(SIGHS)

Hi, can I help you?
I'm here for Lily.

I always knew this
day would come.

Probably not
what she's here for.

How do you know our daughter?

I don't. She hired
me for a cleaning job.

CAMERON: Oh, what?

Wow, right on time.

Wait, Lily. Did you
hire a cleaning lady?

Yeah, with an app on your phone.

Daddy said my room was a pigsty.

Okay, we'll double back to that

unnecessary and
inaccurate slam on pigs.

And I think Daddy meant
for you to clean your room.

We can't have you
clean our daughter's room.

It sends the wrong message.

We get to review you
guys too, you know?

Okay.

Now, go clean your room.

It's not fair. You guys
use apps for everything.

No, we don't.

Well...

Okay, there's Uber
for when we eat out.

And Postmates
for when we eat in.

And TaskRabbit for
stuff around the house.

And Washio and ParkMe.

And the one where
the guy comes over

and builds a fire
in your fireplace.

Oh, LogBuddy, I love LogBuddy.

We need to start
leading by example.

From now on, we're all gonna
be a little more self-reliant.

For starters, I'll
build the fires.

But the LogBuddy guy comes
dressed as a lumberjack.

I have a flannel shirt.

PHIL: Huh?

Where are all the extra
pieces? There aren't any.

I used every last one.

Did you throw them away?
You can tell me, I won't be angry.

I fixed the dryer, Claire.

And you get to be here
for the moment of truth.

Pull the pin.

(WHIRRING)

It works.

I had no idea you were
so good with your hands.

Very manly.

I pinched my thumb
with a pair of pliers earlier.

Not a peep.

Luke, Daddy and I
need to go upstairs

to discuss something in private.

Just go, you're
ruining sex for me.

(BOTH PANTING)

Oh! We just created some
static in these sheets, huh?

That felt amazing. Yeah.

I got all up in that dryer
and fixed the hell out of it.

I feel capable of anything.

You know what? Hmm?

I'm gonna build it.

Dunphy Tower? Dunphy Tower.

Dunphy Tower, my first
commercial real estate development.

I've been dreaming
of building it

since I was a kid and
now it's all happening.

Well, minus the
trampoline park on the roof

and tunnel to my
best friend's house.

I'm still holding out
hope for a fireman's pole

that takes you to
the parking garage.

Well, if you're sure
you're finally ready.

Of course, I am. I
just fixed a dryer.

Mmm.

That was the most
satisfying thing I've ever done.

I'll just get dressed, I guess.

(IMITATES DRUMROLL)

Ta-da!

Phil, I know where
we are. I drove.

You know what
this is, but I'm about

to tell you what this could be.

This is my least
favorite way of talking.

You are standing on the site
of the future Dunphy Tower.

A quarter acre of
mix used space and

a rapidly gentrifying
neighborhood.

Commercial real estate, huh?

This is a departure for you?

I thought about it
down to the last detail.

Imagine a happy worker coming
down from a transit friendly office

for a fancy coffee beverage or
yoga and what's that over there?

A doll's foot, I hope.

A farm-to-table dog bakery.

Oh... Stella and I went
to one of those in Solvang.

She got a quiche. It looked
so good I almost split it with her.

I don't want you to
feel pressure to invest,

but I want you to
know, this isn't a whim.

I've been thinking
about this a lot.

What got you off the sidelines?

This is gonna sound silly,
but I fixed a dryer today.

I took it all apart and
swapped out the sensor.

(SCOFFS) Get out of here.

The guy wanted
350 bucks. I paid $28.

Holy cow.

How come we haven't been
talking about this the whole time?

Because I've been so
excited about this project.

I really think this could
be a good investment.

I don't wanna hear anymore.

You're the most cautious guy I
know when it comes to business.

If you think this is
a slam dunk, I'm in.

Really? 'Cause I have
an offer ready to go.

You say the word, I hit send.

Do it. I've been looking
for investment opportunities.

If you're confident,
I'm confident.

(CHUCKLES)

Because you know what I'd
do to you if you blew my money.

(CHUCKLES)

All right. You are about
to get an important lesson

on self-reliance, young lady.

I know he's serious when
he calls me "young lady."

My dad did the same thing.

Okay, no more doing
chores with our phones.

We are going to
get our hands dirty.

Mitchell, you're going to start
right here and man-scape this.

Really? Okay.

And guess what you're gonna do?

Can I be in charge of watering
the cement like the gardener?

Nope. You're gonna get down on
your hands and knees and pick weeds.

(BOTH GROAN)

You know what I had to
do when I was your age?

I had to crawl through a
cornfield and pick up rocks.

That's right. I couldn't even
have breakfast until I picked 100.

I'd strap a flashlight to
my head and off I'd go.

One rock, two
rocks, three rocks.

Oh, my God.

It's called dramatic tension.

It's called a beehive. Right
there. CAMERON: What?

(BUZZING) Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, no, it's worse,
those are wasps.

Oh, I hate wasps.

Not you, Mr. Fletcher,
the... (WASPS BUZZING)

JAY: Gloria!

Phil got me to
invest in a mini mall,

so you might wanna dial back
on the shoe purchases for a while.

One second, one second.

Place order. What
did you say, baby?

Drawer's fixed. What the hell?

Don't sneak up
on people like that.

I'm liable to have
knocked you out.

I doubt it.

I was gonna fix that anyway.

Like you were going
to clean the gutter?

Coach Gary did it already.

It really wasn't a problem.

I'm not afraid of heights
and I've got big hands.

Those are fun details.

It's like the guy was
trying to steal my life.

I wish he'd shown up when I was

married to DeDe I'd
have made him a key.

JAY: Let me show
you out although

you sound like you know
the place pretty good already.

Hey, Jay, I've got
a date Friday night.

Can I borrow your car?

Sure, you can borrow
your mother's car.

Who's the lucky
girl? Rachel Kaputo.

She and Manny work on
the school paper together.

Extra, extra, she's a cutie.

Thanks for your help.

Hey, I just played the
ukulele. You sang the song.

Oh, yeah. Coach cupid.

All right, Gary, you don't
want to miss that bus.

Thanks again, Coach Gary.

He's not even your coach.

I need a Scotch and a
James Bond marathon.

You maybe out of luck. The
TV wasn't working a minute ago.

Sounds like the satellite dish.

Big Hands probably messed it
up poking around in my gutters.

Let me check it out.

No, no, no, that might
be very dangerous.

Let me go grab Coach
Gary and he can help you.

I said I'd do it.

Yeah, but I'm sure Coach Gary
wouldn't mind sticking around.

I'm getting that
impression myself.

Thank you all for coming.

Who here wants to
go to Paris right now?

Moi.

No, we're not
getting on a plane.

We'll be transported by
these humble ingredients.

How great is he?

So great. Listen to
everything he says.

Look to your left,
look to your right.

Before this class is through

all of you will know how to
make herb roasted chicken.

Oh! I know this recipe. I can
make this chicken in my sleep.

How about we try it awake?

Let's start with the most
important ingredient.

Thyme, that's right.
It's time to chop thyme.

Just like he is on TV.

Yeah.

Thyme and chicken play together

very well unlike
dogs and chickens.

Tragic story. My
rescue Whippet and I

lived next to an
urban farm and...

Oh, my. Do you mind if I
use this as an example?

Oh, avec pleasure.

See how she's
chopped it, stems and all.

That's wrong. Sloppiness
like this can ruin a dish.

Oh, I had no idea.

I suppose when it
comes to herbs though,

you're something of a sage.

That's clever. Thank you.

I can't eat clever.

GIL: Freeze! Police!

I'm a realtor, I'm
not a criminal.

Well, then you're
not doing it right.

Hey, Gil.

One of your clients is actually

thinking of buying
this minefield.

That'd be their
second bad decision.

First was hiring
you. Yeah, I got it.

You're not gonna push one of
your clients into this swamp, are you?

Maybe it just needs a
developer with a little vision?

Very little vision and
no sense of smell.

This neighborhood makes El
Segundo seem like a Sephora.

It's in transition.

It's turning into Fallujah.

I'm out of here
before I get jacked.

You're gonna be
around here for a while?

I might.

Maybe you can score me
some methadone. (CACKLES)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Hey, Bob. BOB: (OVER
PHONE) Good news, Phil.

They accepted your offer.

Without a counter?
Maybe I came in too high.

Whatever, they
were really happy.

(BEEPING)

Hold on, Bob, it's my son.

Luke, what's up?

(RATTLING) Dad,

I think something's
wrong with the dryer.

But I fixed it, I fixed it good.

I'll be right there.

Hurry! I think it's leaving.

(OVER TV) Now
this is fresh produce.

Strike three!

How exactly is this
an improvement?

Jay picked that lamp. By
the way, have you seen him?

(GRUNTING)

I don't know how I got stuck.
I've been on roofs since I was 14,

and discovered it
was the best way

to see into Ethel
Birken's bedroom.

Older gal, 50s, I think.

Today you'd probably
not give her a second look.

But this was
before the Internet.

It was either that
or a Sears catalog.

(WASPS BUZZING) Can
I take a picture of this?

Sometimes my friends
don't believe my stories.

There's gotta be a
better way of doing this.

On the contrary, Mitchell,
it's simplicity itself.

I dislodge the
nest, it falls into

the trashcan, you close the lid.

Then we just have a
barrel full of angry wasps.

Which we swiftly
transport to a farm upstate

where they'll be much happier.

Ooh, they'll see
my friend's dog.

Yeah, just like that.

(GRUNTS) All right, first we
just have to dislodge the nest.

No, no, no, no.

(SCREAMS)

There's one on my face.
There's one on my face.

Don't move, I've
been compromised.

Get in the house.

Oh! (SCREAMS)

Bad idea.

I was gonna take you to a farm!

I may have to change
the name of this side dish

to "Potatoes Au Great-in."

I'm not hearing a difference.

"Great."

Oh, this is unique.

Yes, thank you very much.

You know how on your show
you were always taking chances

and trusting your instincts,
well, that is what I did.

That's because I have
good instincts. Mmm-hmm.

What's something you do well?

Cook? No.

Uh, Mom, I think
what he's trying to say

is that you should more
closely follow his recipe.

You know, use the ingredients
that he mentions, measure stuff.

Right? Not at all.

As I say in the foreword of
my third book, Who Can't Cook,

some people can't cook.

Don't feel bad.

Gourmet cooking is tough.

Though not as tough
as your chicken.

I can't believe
I'm hearing this.

Times like this I wish
I had a refund policy.

Wait a second.

I have been making this food
for my family for months now.

I make a big meal every
Sunday. I'm a working mom.

It's my one chance a week
to give my family something

and make up for the time
I haven't spent with them.

Are you telling me that I
have been giving my family

garbage?

Haley, honey,

have I been serving you garbage?

Um...

What do you think I said?

She is the best cook ever.
We love all of her meals.

(SCOFFS) Yup.

And my singing? (CHUCKLES)

So good. So good.

Jay?

Jay!

I'm up here.

Ay dios mio.

Your time was too short.

I'm on the roof. GLORIA: Ah.

Oh, okay, so, come down
because the TV is working already.

You know, I'm kind of
enjoying hanging out up here.

I'll be down in a little bit.

Hey! If Joe wants to
work on his throwing arm,

maybe he can toss
up an empty bottle.

Are you stuck up there?

Stuck? No!

I can come down whenever
I want to. I just have to...

dangle my body out over
the edge and then reach

blindly for that top rung of the
ladder you're not supposed to use.

But I'll be in in a little bit.

I got a few things I got to do.

Gotta maintain the roof.

It's your house's hat.

I called the one
person I couldn't

possibly be
embarrassed in-front of.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

It's grandpa. Don't answer.

He can't know about this.

We have a verbal contract

that's largely based on
my ability to fix dryers.

Please work.

Yes!

(RATTLING)

Maybe.

(RATTLING INTENSIFIES)

What's that smell? Failure.

Oh, Cam, that sting
looks really bad.

We should get you to a doctor.

A doctor for a wasp sting?

Yes, lets put on
our top hats and

eat crumpets while
we're on our way.

Okay, I know you think
you're making a point.

Back on the farm,

every time we would take down
a wasp nest, I would get stung.

Something you
might have mentioned.

And never once did I
need fancy medicine.

Just a little mud.

That's right, Lily.
Daddy's being self-reliant.

What do you think of the
chances are he means actual mud?

Pretty good.

Like my aunt Dot said, "Whether
it's bee stings or back aches,

"a little mud is good
for what ails you."

I don't remember
meeting an Aunt Dot.

She died.

Fifteen minutes later.

All right, I thought I'll
make you a little bit...

Oh, my God.

What? My face? Is
it bad? It feels bad.

It looks a little like you stared
directly into the Lost Ark.

I wanna see. You don't.

Do you think maybe, me
putting mud on it made it worse?

I don't know how putting
dirt directly into a wound...

Where are you going?

To the doctor. I
wanna be pretty again.

Well, what about
being self-reliant?

It's my face! Let's go!

Wasp! They're still out there!

(EXHALES)

Yeah, I'll hold.

I'm pulling out of the deal.

Why? What happened?

I'm not the man you thought
you had middle of the day sex with.

Honey, I heard about the dryer.

It's not just that.
I ran into Gil.

He thinks it's a bad idea.

Your dad's money is on the line.

I've never done
anything like this.

Who cares what
Gil Thorpe thinks?

Nobody knows more about
real estate than you do.

And you've been thinking
about this project for a long time.

I believe in you.

You should believe in yourself.

Yup. Hey, Bob.

It's Phil.

Remove the
contingencies. Let's do this.

Is that a fact?

Thanks for letting me know.

Gil Thorpe made a back up offer.

He was just trying
to scare me away.

Oh! I am so proud of you.

Wow. Looks like
the both of us had

a little crisis of
confidence today.

In that cooking class...

Yes.

Well, Chef Dumont

had the audacity to
tell me that I can't cook.

(CHUCKLES)

Luckily, this one was
there to straighten him out.

I'm gonna make you
a celebratory dinner.

I think I've got most
of the ingredients.

(CHUCKLES) I can't wait.

(WHISPERS) You had one job.

Hi, Jay.

Oh crap, she called you.

Give me your hand. Why?

So you can show me up again?

What are you talking about?

Give it a rest.

You come in here with your
young shoulders, your ukulele.

I'm not trying to show you up,
Jay. I'm trying to impress you.

Why the heck would
you wanna do that?

I guess you can say that like
you I'm stranded in my own way.

This is my least
favorite way of talking.

I got to tell you, Jay.

I'm over the whole sports thing.

But you just won
the championship.

Exactly. And there's
no more dragons to slay.

That's the team we beat last
year. The Baby Blue Dragons?

I'm not seeing how
I figure into this.

I wanna start my own business.
You've been so successful.

I was thinking, maybe,
you can be my mentor.

What line of work?
Prefab gazebos.

Nice.

Every backyard could
be its own town square.

I knew you'd get it.

After all, what's a gazebo but

an outdoor closet.
An outdoor closet.

You're all right, Coach Gary.

Give me your hand. Help me down.

We'll get a few drinks
and we'll talk business.

Gary's gazebos.

Gazebos by Gary.

Gary's gazebos and sheds.

(CHUCKLES) You don't need me.

All right. (GRUNTS)

Is this you?

Sitting alone in an empty yard?

Wishing you had a gazebo.

Or a shed.

If it is, then call Gary's
Gazebos and Sheds.

Because here, we
only do one thing.

Sell, install and service
gazebos and sheds.

Whoa.

And ask about our bird baths.

We own ten percent
of that, you know.

How much money did you
put into the businesses?

Well, you can't
take it with you.

Well, we'll all still be here.