Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 12 - Do You Believe in Magic - full transcript

JAY: Crap.

Crap.

Crap-uccino.

Charlie Craplin.

In Colombia, when the old
man starts yelling at mail,

we put them on a sandbar
and wait for the tide to come in.

Well, Delgado's got a doozy
of a Valentine's dilemma.

I texted out feelers
for two dates.

Vicky Noh is top choice, but
Alexa Potts has been doing

this bad girl thing
lately that I am into.

So while I wait
for yes from Noh,



I've got to keep Potts
on the back burner.

Oh, my God, is it still talking?

Jay, that's so rude.

He overthinks everything.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

If you have a shot
at the bad girl, jump.

I don't know.

She has a step-dad
who only pays attention

to her hot older sister.

I will dial the phone for you.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(GLORIA GROANS)

That was Joe's
school. He is trouble.

We need to go meet
with the teacher.

What the hell did he do?

He robbed a bank
and took 18 hostages.



How would I know? Let's go.

(SIGHS) It's a no-go.

Alexa wanted to use
the hot tub tonight,

but apparently can't
find her bathing suit.

If you don't come home
smelling of light beer and chlorine,

do not come home at all.

Uh... Honey?

Um...

Whoa!

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

(GASPS) Oh,
thank you. I love this.

What is it?

It's the actual porch swing
where we had our first kiss.

No. Check it out.

The carvings are still on
the back from 25 years ago.

Oh, my gosh.
"Phil hearts Claire."

Oh, honey, this is going to
look so great out on our porch.

I can't believe you did this.

(CHUCKLES) It was
nothing. Made a few calls.

Drove half a day. Uh-huh.

Had Campari and haggled
with a handsy gay landlord,

took the swing apart,
loaded it in the van,

ran out of gas in the desert, got
harassed by a shady state trooper

and got back with a blinding
migraine. But easy-peasy.

Ah, I love it.

Knock, knock. Happy
Valentine's Day.

Or as I call it, the best night
to go to the grocery store.

And here is your
Valentine's gift.

I wrapped it
myself in the office

and then, like a
ding-dong, I left it there, so...

Whoa, sparkly.

Just like you.

That's why I picked that
wrapping. She sure did.

Yeah. Go ahead. (COUGHS)

Claire, I think I
know what this is.

(CHUCKLING) I can't
believe you did this.

I know, right?

You got me an old watch.

Pretty cool, right?
BEN: So cool.

I've got a crazy-good poker
face but I didn't love the watch.

I've been dropping these big
hints about a pair of genuine

Houdini Handcuffs on
sale at the local magic shop.

They're from his famous
Coffin of Cobras Escape of 1923.

The trick was so shocking that
women went into spontaneous labor

and the men paired
off in violent fighting.

I, uh, don't think it's working.

Uh...

Well, I mean, I am just seeing
this watch for the first time

but it looks like it's
got a self-winder.

You just move your arm
around to keep it going.

I should probably get going.

Mother is waiting in the
truck and she is patient

until she isn't. (HORN HONKING)

Oh. And I got to get to work too

before all the
single gals show up.

It's pretty hard to concentrate
with all the bathroom crying

and half-eaten chocolates
getting hurled at the wall.

Have a good one. I will.

Hey. Hey. Wow.

Those are nice.

Yeah. They were
on the front porch.

They are from a mystery admirer.

The card says, "You
don't know your power."

Oh. That's my bad.

I was power-washing the
flagstones in my old cheer shorts.

They are for me. Yeah,
don't ask who they are from

because I don't
know but I will find out.

What happened to your arm? Oh,

I am winding an old watch

that your mother gave
me for Valentine's Day.

Oh. That's pretty uneven. You
gave her this awesome swing.

Man, where did mom
find a guy as sweet as you?

Actually, she hit
me with her car

when I was break-dancing
in a KFC parking lot.

And your mother
is not unromantic.

She's just been
busy with work lately.

Well, you have been
married for, like, 25 years.

What's that supposed to mean?

You guys are overdue for the
romance to fizzle out a little bit.

Oh. Well, it's nice to know
that some dime-store posies

from an unnamed stalker

have made you an expert
on matters of the heart.

So happens that your
mother is still very romantic

which I will prove
with a surprise

visit to her office
this afternoon.

Let me guess. You built this
inside and didn't measure the door.

Card was right. You
don't know your own power

to be mean.

Thank you so much
for helping us out.

Ah, yeah. Rainer
has work anyways.

He does his
Valentine's Day thing

where he tracks
cupid on the radar.

Aw, cute. Oh, Lily gets to
stay up a little later tonight

because she had big
girl moment at school.

Yes, this boy Jagger,

because that's a name now,

teased her and she told
him off in front of everybody.

And we are proud of you
because you used your words.

She used our words.

We wrote a little speech.
She really told that kid off good.

Our society encourages
women to be unassertive.

So we need to do everything
we can to really empower Lily.

We may not get women,

but that allows us
to really get women.

We may not hook up with women.

But we really understand women.

I think it was clear
when I said that.

So, what's with this whole
"going out early" thing.

Well, it's been forever since
we've had a date-night out,

and so we made a little list of
the six things that we love to do,

but never get to do.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ugh, pathetic.

Okay, we get to
say that, not you.

No, no, no. It's Dylan.

He texts me every Valentine's
Day begging to hook up.

Oh, that is sad. I know.

It almost never works.

All right, you old bags,

put your teeth in,
you are taking me out.

Sal, what are you doing here?

It's Valentine's Day.

My new German boyfriend,
Werner, is out of town

and I don't like to drink alone.

(LAUGHTER)

The first part is true.

Well, actually, we have plans.

Oh! But now you
have better plans.

Fausta here can babysit Sammy
and General Sour over there.

Sammy, tell your guncles
hello like I taught you.

Enchante. (SQUEALS)

What am I looking at here?

I'm raising him gay.

Tell Uncle Mitchell what
you think about those pants.

Tragic.

(SQUEALS) It's sticking.

(LAUGHS) So come on, let's go.

Uh...

Hey, if she is watching the kids

I don't want to
be a fourth wheel.

So, I'll just come
and join you three.

That sounds great. Oh!

Mitchell, can I talk to
you over by the fireplace?

Yes.

SAL: So good to see you.
HALEY: Good to see you.

Hey, so what about our plans?

Look, you know Sal. She is not
gonna leave until we agree to this.

Look, we will just get
two of them drinking.

They won't even notice when we
slip away and get back to our list.

That's a good plan. Yeah.

You know what? I didn't even
want to do number one anyway.

It makes me feel
dirty and ashamed.

Okay, well, bye-bye,
Cheesecake Factory.

Wow, all right.

I asked you guys to
come in today because

Joe has given me a very
inappropriate Valentine's Day gift.

(GASPS)

I assume that he
got this from home?

Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry.

I am sure that Joe doesn't
even know what he was doing.

JAY: Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Looks like I'm finally gonna
get to fight with one son

over the Sports
Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Jay, this is not funny.

I come from a very long
line of overly sexy men.

My cousin Ricardo,
he had a sex addition.

You mean "addiction."

Yes, sorry. He built an
addiction on to his house

for making love to
his many girlfriends.

Well, Joe just needs to know
that this type of gift is not okay.

And you are right. I
am gonna talk to him.

Did I do something wrong?

You did take something out of
your mom's drawer without asking,

but I gonna give
a pass on that one.

The thing is,

the gift was inappropriate.

Well, you give
underpants to mom.

It's true.

You do it every year.

Look,

you can give that kinda
thing to your wife or girlfriend.

But it's a little bit different
when it's your teacher.

Okay?

Fine. Could I go back
to the quiet room now?

I already missed half of my nap.

You know how I get.

Sure. Go ahead.

Everything's squared away.
Ms. Clarke, sorry for the trouble.

May I have that back?

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know that real humans
could have these dimensions.

Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Thank you.

Oops, I seemed to have
dropped my spare hotel key.

Phil... (SHUSHING)

No need to call who ever this
Phil is. You are in no danger.

This key is to room 422 at
the Ramada down the street.

Slip out when you can.

I will pre-disable
the smoke detectors

so you don't set it off when
you shimmy out of those

sensible wide-leg trousers.

For the past
several Valentine's,

we have adopted sexy alter egos.

Juliana, wild and spontaneous.
And Clive, passionate collector

of beautiful women and
antique sailing maps.

Clive, I love this
idea... (SHUSHING)

Save that energy, my dear.

This hotel has a
very short memory

and a very long
outdoor staircase.

Claire, you have to finish
signing these contracts. Hey, Phil.

(CHUCKLES) Phil? No.

Name's Clive, friend.

Say, maybe you could take over
here for a bit. (CLEARS THROAT)

I will make sure the boss
lady is back in one piece,

no later than... Come on.

Hi, Phil.

It's Clive, actually.

Apparently they
have a thing like

how you and your sister
go to those conventions

dressed like stuffed
animals. Oh. Um,

Claire, your two o'clock is
here and you can't be late.

Phil, I really
appreciate this. I do.

It's just... ALEX: So,
I spoke to the florist.

Turns out my admirer sent
these from Pritchett's Closets.

I may have a sad love life

but I don't need my mommy
trying to boost my self-esteem.

And if you really want to
give me some confidence,

how about a
picture of me on your

desk, and not just
Haley and Luke.

First of all, I didn't
give you those flowers.

Second of all, there
is a picture of you.

Mmm. Where is it?

(TAPPING ON GLASS)

Salutations.

Yes. Hello.

I've got a meeting.

Ben, you're gonna
finish the contract stuff.

Margaret, you're
gonna take Alex.

You're gonna find out who's
using our account for flowers, okay?

Phil, honey,

we'll do Valentine's
Day later, okay?

Do I know that guy in the cloak?

Ah, a hinge specialist. You
might have seen him around.

He's the guy for offbeat swivels
and rare-beveled hook joints.

I find everything you
just said very titila...

(SHUSHING) (GASPS)

We'll make up for this
later over dinner, I promise.

I got it all planned.

This whole Clive thing
wasn't even necessary.

Claire was taking me
out to dinner all along.

Romance, strong as ever.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

CLAIRE: Margret, get a
reservation for me and Phil tonight.

Anywhere, I've got too much
going on to even think about it.

SAL: Werner is great.

You know, he is a rich musician,

tours a lot. No strings.

Well, um... (BOTH YAWN)

This has been fun.
But we should, uh...

You are not going
anywhere, carrot bottom.

Oh, my God, is that Rainer?
Why is he with another woman?

SAL: That sounds cheat-y.

That's Haley's
weatherman boyfriend.

Sorry, Hal. We need to leave.

No, you gotta go confront him.

I'm upset, I've had
couple of drinks.

Okay.

So what is it like touring the
world with other Canadian acrobats?

What?

We just assumed you were
a member of Cirque du Soleil.

Yup, because you're
bending over backwards

to avoid standing
up for yourself.

And setting a good
example for other women.

You both were thinking
that? BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Fine.

Finally. I was
beginning to think

she was weaker
than Mitchell's jaw line.

Everyone knows why
you grew that thing.

Okay, this coming from
the woman who won't admit

that she is upset
that her boyfriend

abandoned her
on Valentine's Day.

Oh, and didn't you just get back

from learning how to
plant corn with the Indians?

Because he looked to
us like an early settler.

BOTH: We're saying
that you settled.

You practice this
at home, don't you?

BOTH: We do not.

Now, I knew it couldn't
be angels bowling, so...

I thought you were working
today. And didn't we agree

that you'll never wear
that sweater again?

My... Excuse me.

We're kind of on
a date right now.

Uh, Haley...

Oh, save it, you
lying, cheating,

middle-aged pointer.

That's what you do,
you know, you point.

You point for your money. We
are done. Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh!

My hair.

(GASPS)

Oh, that was crazy,
and great and awful.

I don't know what to do.
I am just gonna go home.

What? No. I like you now.

Werner has a
yacht with a full bar.

Let's go. I'm not letting
you go home in this mood.

Okay, well, you know, that
sounds kind of like a girl thing.

So... (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Okay. If that's Rainer calling
to make excuses. Don't answer.

It's just pathetic Dylan
trying to hook up again.

Let me handle this. Hey,
Boo Boo. (CHUCKLES)

Well,

another woman empowered.

It's what we do. Yes, it is.

Okay, back to the list.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Wait, one second. It's Lily.

Hey, honey. Is everything okay?

Jagger was very
hurt by our speech.

Well.

She didn't answer his text
'cause we told her not to.

He ran away. He did?

People are forming a human chain

to search for him in the woods.

Okay, honey. We will
be home soon, all right?

Do you think we have
some responsibility

in this Jagger situation?

Uh... No, no. They chose
to build near the woods.

Good advice is good
advice. That's right.

You guys. Where is Haley?

Um, she is on a
boat in the marina,

putting you in her
rear-view mirror.

Boats have those,
don't they? I think so.

You guys, I was only letting that
woman think we were on a date

because she
runs a celebrity site

that buys photos from paparazzi.

Okay? I was trying to get one
of me back because Haley is in it

and this is the photo.

No, God, no. Oh, my gosh.

Bedhead, sneeze
face, and UGG slippers?

And now Haley's not
answering my calls

and somehow I'm supposed to
smile through a weather report

in 15 minutes?

Pull yourself together, Rainer.

You're a weatherman.

Do you think our advice...

Sucked? Yes, yes.

We need to get to that boat
before Haley hooks up with Dylan.

She wouldn't do
something that stupid.

Did you see the UGGs?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mom, I'm home.

We got Valentine's.

GLORIA: Oh!

Hi, Ms. Kewley.
Is the party over?

We had an incident.

Your son gave my Bailey a
very strange Valentine's gift.

I am so sorry.

Didn't your father talked
to you about this already?

Yeah, he said it's okay
to give it to a girlfriend.

We are going. And Bailey
is certainly not his girlfriend.

She will be lucky.

Is that Bailey? Because I think

Joe has a little thing for her.

Yeah, he did had
a little thing for her.

It's here. He did it again.

I knew I shouldn't have
trusted you talking to him,

because you will let
him get away with murder

because he's a mini
you and you like it.

And you know what is worst?

That you are so mean to Manny
because he is different than you.

First off, Joe is not a mini me.

JOE: Crap.

Crapola. Crapinski.

Well, maybe a little.

And maybe I kinda like it.

But why would you want
to knock the Jay out of Joe?

Instead of one
trophy, you get two.

Ugh.

Okay, thank God. Oh, God.

Hi.

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Need a sailor to
cross off number four

on that Valentine's
Day list of yours?

Was that mean? I've been
around Sal, I've lost my filter.

You know what, we
all make mistakes.

Which is funny thing to remember

when we tell about a very
funny misunderstanding.

SAL: Cameron, Mitchell.

What a pleasant surprise.

Sal, you okay? You
seem not yourself.

Yeah, I feel like
you used to blink.

I took your advice,
called Werner.

Told him I wasn't
going to settle.

How did that, how did that go?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

He was thinking that we
might be something special.

And then I gave
him the ultimatum

and he said, "Maybe we're
not actually meant to be."

I don't know what's
happening. Sa... Sal.

What're you doing?

Straightening up. You
know, a place for everything,

everything in its place. No.

Hey, what about this?

This was actually
salvaged from the Bismarck.

Oh. Oh, wow, that's super...

HALEY: Ah!

Why are you helping?

Feels good. Men suck.

No, no. Not all men. Okay?

We just talked to
Rainer and, um,

that wasn't a date.

What? (GLASS SHATTERS)

Okay, why did you break that?

Because now I am mad at you.
You made me break up with him.

(GASPS) Oh, my God,
now I have to call Rainer

and Dylan.

Um...

Oh, Sal, sweetie.
You're spilling there.

You've got to lift it, lift
it. Oh, clumsy, clumsy.

I'll just make it all go away.

No! We are still
on board. No, Sal.

We are sorry, we made you
call Werner. We didn't... (BLOWS)

know that that was gonna happen.

So you have to
understand that you...

Mitchell, you wanna step
in here? I'm getting dizzy.

I have... Stop it!

Okay, no more. No more
matches. No more matches.

Okay, I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, maybe
we should just...

Werner's precious Tony Award.

He keeps in at sea as
the ultimate aphrodisiac.

For women?

(SIGHS) Auf Wiedersehen,
Award for Best Orchestration.

Oh, my God. No. Sal,
Sal. No. Haley, help!

No, I will not tell your gay son

that you threw a
Tony into the ocean.

Give it to me! No!

(YELPS)

Oh, my God, Did she fall in?

No.

I've got her right here.

Sal, we are so sorry.

If it wasn't for
our stupid advice,

you would've left things alone
and things might've been okay.

(PANTING) Shut up! Okay, okay.

That cold water woke
me up to the hard truth.

I am smart. I am beautiful.
I am legendary in bed.

Okay. Yet I do settle.

I mean, Werner is not
good enough for me.

I mean, I get why
you two idiots settled.

It's the best you're
gonna do. Right here.

You are perfectly
matched. BOTH: Aw.

Well, it's kinda sweet
when you look at it that way.

Yeah. We are very lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.

Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

Hey. Margret said you
keep the phone records.

Why, what do you need them for?

I'm still trying to find out
who sent me those flowers.

You keep them
in here? No, don't.

Don't... (CLEARS THROAT)

Ben, why do you have this
photo of me in your desk drawer?

I think someone is
pranking me. Probably...

I'm gonna go.

Okay. Wait, look.

I sent the flowers. Okay?

When you temped
here last summer,

I became tempted by your charms.

Well, thank you,

but aren't you like 40?

What? I am 26. I...

I had a SweeTART
addiction when I was a kid

and I permanently
damaged my collagen.

Wow, I've been in a series of
bizarre, shame-filled relationships.

You work for my mother.

You still live at home.

Look at those
medications. Kiss me.

What?

Whoa. Okay, that was very cool,

but you should know that I
have dedicated my life to Closets.

I am obsessed with
your grandfather.

And I sleep with a body
pillow that I put a night gown on.

Stop. You're making it better.

There you go. Busy night, sir.

I assume you have a reservation?

Yes. My wife made it. She
kinda dropped the ball on my gift

but she came through with a
table with the legendary Enrico's.

I am sorry, sir. Enrico's
is a couple of doors down.

So, just yourself?

Uh, no, I will be
meeting my wife tonight.

(CHUCKLES) That's the spirit.

MAN: (ON TV) And he
ends up with a triple bogey.

What'd I miss?

This overpaid bum missed a putt.

I'm supposed to not like this?

(SIGHS) Well, call
me an idiot, Jay.

Sure enough Alexa and I did
end up in a hot tub together.

But around her third beer,

I suggested she have
some water to stay hydrated.

She tried to shut me up
by kissing me, which I liked,

but she kept calling me Travis.

Oh, my God. Is it still talking?

Joe.

You don't ever disrespect
your brother like that

and no more giving underwear
to little girls or anyone else

'cause it's creepy and European.

Now, go to your room.

It's fun when your kids
get your best qualities

but it's a kick in
the gut when they

pick up stuff you
hate about yourself.

I saw that ugly, impatient part of
me coming out of my adorable son.

In fairness, that adorable
part also came from me.

We both got my mom's
crab-apple cheeks and pillow lips.

Hi, honey. I am sorry I am
late. We had a whole incident

at the warehouse.

Paint mixer blew up.

Luckily I had this
overalls in my office...

Oh, you are mad, aren't you?

Mad? (CHUCKLES)

I mean, was this the best
Valentine's Day we ever had? No.

Was it the worst? Yes.

I gave you a great gift. I tried
to surprise you at the office.

You repaid the effort by making
a reservation at a truck stop

and dressing up like Tom Sawyer.

But, hey. Maybe this
happens to everyone, Claire.

Romance fizzles. Magic dies.

At least we can mark the
exact time it happened to us.

Thanks to my new watch,

which only a
switchboard operator

from the 1950s could keep wound.

You mean, this watch?

The Houdini Handcuffs.

I've been taking magic
lessons as a Valentine surprise.

Wait a minute. The supposed
hinge salesman at your office...

The Great Majesto.

Of course. I didn't
recognize him

without his floor-length robe
covered in question marks.

And we also really
do have a reservation

at that really nice
place down the street,

so we should probably
get your check.

Excuse me. Can we get the check?

But, are you really dressed?

This is so wonderful. I can't...

(CLAIRE CHUCKLES)

Come on, honey.
We should get going.

Wait. Uh, do you have the key?

No. But you do.

I don't deserve you.

Honey, you give me a VD
I will carry with me always.

Let's say, "Valentine's Day."

You know, I never thought
you would beat my gift, but

you did. Oh, honey.

I'm beginning to think that
mine was a swing and a miss.

Hardly. Yours was fantastic.

But how about a
swing with a miss?

You are killing it today.

I know.

Did you cover that again?

I didn't. That's weird.

Huh.

(CLAIRE GASPS)

What the hell?

I transported it to the porch.

You're welcome.

(GASPS) I didn't
ask him to do that.

Or tell him where we live.