Modern Family (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 11 - Sarge & Pea - full transcript

Cam goes to the extremes to confront a parent who robbed him of a precious Lily moment during her dance recital.

Can I have that dropped
at the gift table for you?

Ah, I think I'll hang onto
this. This is a special gift.

It's a wine fridge... 36
bottles, stainless steel,

dual temp zones for
your whites, your reds.

She doesn't care. Okay.
And neither did the priest.

Father O'GodHe'sHot.

- I know. Those lips, right?
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Is that appropriate?
- Appropriate?

You never carried us around as proudly
as you're carrying around that thing.

30 years ago, I didn't do your
Aunt Becky's closets for free.

The whole family got together
and decided I was cheap...

called me "High Pockets."

Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says

when he opens what
Esquire Magazine called

"the last under-counter wine
fridge you'll ever need."


- (both laugh)
- High Pockets.

Can we just find the bar?

How funny would it be if I said no?


Mother of... us.

Mom! What is she doing here?

She's not even related to these people!

Oh, my God.

You, me, Mom, Dad, alone.

Without Gloria to absorb the hate.

Okay, why am I scared?
I'm feeling scared.

Because you are flashing
back to every family event

that ended with Dad
whisper-screaming at Mom,

"Would you calm down?" while she
would swing her pocketbook around

until it burst open like
a pill-packed piñata.

Oh, God. I-I don't want to be
the make-a-scene family. Again.

Well, Dad's not leaving
until they award him CNN Hero

for bringing the wine fridge,

so maybe we just each take a parent

and try and keep them
apart as much as possible?

Probably our best shot
at an uneventful day.

But can we please not fight
over who has to care of...

(as Mitchell) Mom!

- Mitchell!
- Hey!

- (chuckling) Hi.
- Oh...

it's so good to see you, honey. Mm!

♪ ♪

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb

Hey. I got us a campus
map, and look at this...

my old college frat has a chapter here!

By legacy rights, I'm entitled to use

the main-floor bathroom
and sign out a Frisbee.


Wow, you're really giving
those bands a workout.

Oh, just burning off
some nervous energy.

They don't ask questions
on a college tour, right?

Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny
are going on a college tour!

Safety school for Manny,
long shot for Luke,

which hasn't been great
for his self-esteem.

Luckily, as a former cheerleader,

I haven't lost my gift
for lifting spirits.

Though I can no longer
make an N with my body.


This is a great workout.

Ow! No!

Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look!

I did something very bad.



(whispering) Manny is taking a nap,

(normal voice) so I put
a pig-a-let in the bed!

- (stifles laugh)
- Oh, my God.

Where'd you get that?

You remember those farmers
that we met? (giggles)

You'll be surprised what they'll
do for a couple of big tips.

(whispering) What did you hear?

(pig snorting)

Aah! Whoa! What is that?!

It's a pig-a-let!

Man, you should see your face!

Ohh, it licked my face!
Why would you do this?

Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight!

I'm preparing you for college

so that you fit in
and make some friends.

I took the idea from watching
"The Animal House,"

"The Old School" movie...

College is about higher
education, not pranks.


- There she is!
- Hey, lady.

Yeah, I can't give you free stuff.

- Let's go.
- Okay, take care.


Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Oh, my gosh.
- What? What? What?

- It's her.
- Who?

The blonde over there in the
cute jacket and fab shoes.

If that's who I think it
is, we hate her so hard.

Last night, I was robbed.

That's right.

There I was at Lily's dance recital,

breathlessly anticipating

my baby's first-ever ballet solo.

Okay, here it comes.

This moment is worth every
cent of the $2,000 in lessons.


Oh, my... oh, my gosh. I can't see.

Didn't they say no filming?

Excuse me. Miss? (gasps)

Did you just see that?

That horrid woman robbed me

of my proud daddy moment

and forced me to lie to my daughter.

"You danced beautifully,
Lily!" But did she?

I have no idea!

Why didn't you smack
her down last night?

With words, obviously.

- Wait, can gays smack women?
- No.

No! You know what,

I would have cussed her out last night,

except the selfish hag left the moment

her daughter's dance was over.

I hope there's no rule in
here about causing a commotion.

I mean, we didn't really feel
the need to put it up on a sign

because, you know, civilization.

Well, I answer to a higher law.

Hey! Get back here! You
don't even know it's her.

You're basing this off
of the back of the head

of someone you saw in the dark.

That may be how you recognize
your old boyfriends, but...

Excuse me.

As much as I admire that and do
intend on using it on Mitchell

without giving you any
credit, there is a line.

So, Mom, I didn't know that
you would be, uh, be here.

Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it...

I haven't seen these
people since the divorce...

- Yeah.
- But then my new hubby had to work,

and I thought... "Write
a new story, DeDe."

- Yeah!
- (both chuckle)

So, are you here alone, or...?

You look great!

This dress is beautiful!

Oh, thank you.

I found it in the
trunk of a car I bought.

- (cellphone chimes)
- Oh. One second, Mom.

Oh, this is Cam texting. Uh...

The picture of the
back of someone's head

and the words, "Is this her?"

No idea what you are talking about.

Kissy face.


Excuse me. Can we get a pic?

- Honey!
- Oh.

- (chuckles)
- Dad, that's sweet.


If we get separated, there's a record.

Oh, God.

- Hey, don't be mad.
- Are you kidding?

She vanished, okay?

- Those shoes she makes are soundless.
- Oh, god.

- Oh, there you are!
- Oh!


- Okay.
- Oh, well,

if it isn't my first family.

What a surprise, huh?

Yeah! I guess Brian invited me

because of that summer we took him in.

Remember when I caught you
trying on Brian's underpants?

No, what even... Mom!

- Oh, is it just the four of us?
- Yeah!

Yes, and where are you sitting, Mom?

I can walk you back to your table.

In a minute. I'd like to visit a little.

I don't even know anyone at my table.

- Well, Gloria's not here.
- Oh, thank you, Jay.

Here. Let me, uh...

- Well, this is fun.
- Mm-hmm.

- The band's back together.
- Yeah.

Would anyone care for some champagne?

- Oh, yeah.
- I'd love some.

- Oh, you bet. Yeah.
- Thank you.

I'll just take the tray.

Admission has gotten tougher.

Only about 4 out of 10
applicants get accepted.


You've beaten worse odds than that.

We forgot to get you
vaccinated till you were 6.

The university boasts
many noted graduates...

research scientists, journalists,

and one pretty well-known playwright.

Wow. "Pretty well-known?"

Imagine how many cookies
they could have sold

if they called them
"Pretty Well-Known Amos's."

- Oh!
- (laughs)

I tied your shoelaces together.

Mom, what's going on with you?

I am preparing you.

If you can't laugh at yourself,
then you'll become a target.

College crazy time, man!


Excuse me, Steffi?

My son Tim here developed a finance app

that caught the eye of
some folks at JP Morgan,

so he'll need to keep that
going along with school.

No problem.

Many students work while taking class.

- Excuse me, Steffi?
- What are you doing?

My son Lucas here is a
recognized amateur trampolinist.

(hushed voice) Dad!

I'm assuming you guys
have a training facility

so he can continue his pursuits
in the applied bouncing arts?

I'm not sure I'm understanding...

You guys have a trampoline?

I think there's a small
one in the daycare center.

There are no small trampolines, only...

You know what? We can move on.

Everybody, this way!

Just go ask her if
she was at the recital,

and then tell her off if she says yes.

No, I can't, because if it's her,

she'll sense confrontation
coming and deny it.

People can always tell
when I'm in attack mode.

- Mm, flared nostrils?
- No.

- Vein in your forehead?
- Blotchy neck?

No! You know what,

and just a head's up, you both
are turning into your mother.

Okay. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

New plan.

What... what are you doing?

Well, if there's video of
Lily's recital on her iPad,

then I know it's for sure her,

and plus, I can e-mail it to myself

and have a proper viewing party.

- Ooh, I've got a thing.
- Yeah, I'll probably be working.

I haven't even set a date yet.

Okay, there's a passcode.

Well, of course there's
a passcode. Give me that.

All right, well, she ordered
a powdered doughnut, so...

All right. Chalky fingerprints
on the 8, the 5, the 3, and the 1.

Your passcode is some
combination of those four.

Oh, my God. You're brilliant.

Last year, I was doing
differential topography at Cal Tech,

and now I sketch leaves in milk
foam for adult skateboarders.

I need something more.

- She's coming back.
- What?!

(whispering) She's coming back.


I left my iPad on the
table, and somebody took it.

Oh, gosh! I didn't...

Didn't what? Do your job?

It's not like you're so busy
you don't have time to...

Excuse me. I couldn't
help overhearing. Um...

are you talking about that
iPad in that bag there?

- Oh, God.
- 'Cause there's an iPad there.

- What a ditz.
- (chuckles)

Ugh, I guess I'm just nervous
for this stupid blind date

I never should have agreed to.

Oh, no.

You're not Richard, are you?

Uh, yes. I-I am Richard.
I'm your blind date.

You're, uh, Ana.

Oh! Am I the worst person ever?

Well, that's what
we're here to find out.

(laughs) Kidding! Please sit!

I hope that is her. She's gross.

I want him to yell at her.

- Yeah.
- Excuse me.

Um, I'm here for a blind date,

and my friend didn't
even give me a picture.

I just know the woman's name.

Any chance you served an Ana?

Oh! Well, this is crazy.

Ana, say hello to, uh...

- Richard.
- Yeah.


Um, sorry, I don't mean
to be forward, but...

Vanessa kind of undersold
how attractive you are.



The things I've done because
people tell me I'm pretty,

you'd almost think I wasn't pretty.

So, 1986, we were just coming back

from my sister Bebe's wedding

when I first had my
dream about murdering you.

No! Mitchell has a funny story

that doesn't open old wounds
about Cam at a dance recital.

He got so mad, didn't he, Mitchell?

Tell them!

So mad.

That wasn't '86. That was '87.

The reason we were late
was because of that damn

Hands Across America
that you made me do.

Hands was '86,

and you thanked me afterwards

because you got to
hold hands with someone

that was holding hands
with Willie Nelson.

What the hell was that whole
thing about, anyway? Hunger?

Hand somebody a
sandwich in San Francisco

and you pass it on down the line

till some bum gets
ahold of it in Boston?

Hunger, yeah. Definitely.

Um, Mitchell is on a
diet, speaking of hunger.

What can you eat now?

Uh... less.

Sweetie, I see what you're doing,

but this whole controlling thing...

it's challenging.

Works good in the office,

but sometimes she's as tight
as a camel's ass in a sandstorm.

Ooh, this seems aggressive.

I'm just gonna...

May I be excused to go to the bathroom?

Yeah. Me, too. Be right back.

Hey! You do not get to do this.

You do not get to shut down on me

like you did when we were kids.

I am not gonna sit here taking the heat

while you go hide in your
room blasting Pat Benatar.

Why are we even all sitting together?

This is my plan. You're
gonna come up with a reason

to take Mom back to her table.

Maybe you want to unload some gay stuff

you don't want Dad to hear?

You're lovely.

But my dream analyst helped me realize

that I never wanted to murder you.

I wanted to murder the part
of myself that was so angry.

You were angry because I was
an inconsiderate blow-hard.

Oh, don't do that.

We had plenty of good
times, didn't we, Sarge?

You bet we did, Pea.


(both chuckle)

What fresh hell is this?

We'll end our tour here
at our iconic bell tower.

See you all at tonight's mixer!

Hey. Before we go back, you
want to do something fun?

Follow me.

- Check it out!
- A bell?

Not just a bell.

A series of bells fed into
an ingenious instrument

known as a carillon.

I monkied around with
one back in the day.

A cutie named Gretchen
took me up to her belfry

and showed me some moves,

which I now realize sounds sexual.

Not really. You talk like this a lot.

The point is, Gretchen got a full
ride treading bells like these.

Wow, that's high.

Maybe you could, too.

Get you into a class on...

What? I'm gonna learn
all this in three months?

You're a quick study!

Look at how fast you learned magic.

I got a home movie of you
pulling an impossibly long chain

of baby wipes out of your diaper.

Okay, I was 5 in a diaper.

That's not really a
sign of a quick learner.


I believe you can do
anything you put your mind to.

- Why?
- (bells chiming)

Oh! Shoot!

I guess it's all computerized now.

Who cares?

God, I hate it when you do this.

Do what? You look mad. Are you mad?

(bells chiming)

(yelling indistinctly)

... And I keep telling you,

but it's like you're not hearing me!

I'm not. Wait, don't talk yet.

(chiming continues)

Go now, quick!

Stop acting like I'm someone I'm not!

Stop telling me how great
I am when it's not true!

Don't you see how
much pressure that is?!

Luke, don't you walk away from...

(bell chimes)

... me!

- I'm your...
- (chimes)

How are you 36?

I just can't get over
how young you look.

- The trick is to not smile too hard.
- (laughs)

- You're funny.
- (chuckles uneasily)

I did not expect that
from a seismologist.

Which, by the way, how did
you get into that?

Oh, um, it's just
always come easy for me.

You know? I look at people

and I just instinctively
know their size.

People are like, "Oh, I'm a 4,"

and I'm like, "Who you foolin',
girl? You a 10." (laughs)

Ma'am, here is that
napkin you asked for.

Oh, thanks. Ha ha. Fooled you.

I was just joking about clothing stuff.

The real reason why I got
into studying earthquakes

is because I love nature.

I guess that would explain the
ornithology interest, too, huh?

- (dish clatters)
- (laughs uneasily)

Miss, could I have another...

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angels have always been cool,

but not as cool as birds!

I love birds! (chuckles insincerely)

I mean, I love my mother, I do,

but it's like her needs
come before everyone else's.

You know that kind of person?

I think I do, yeah.

- Wait, why was I talking about her?
- I don't know.

The question was, "What
did you do last night?"

- And the question stands.
- (cellphone chimes)




- Ex-husband.
- (groans)

Honestly, it's like
he can't be with my son

for more than three hours

without texting me some inane question.

Oh... oh, you have a son?


Love of my life.

(sighs, chuckles)

He took the divorce pretty hard.

He's... different, you know?

He's really... he's
creative and sensitive,

and he gets picked on a lot at school.

You know, it's like, thank
God for his dance class.

(voice breaking) I feel
like it's the only place

that I see, like, real joy on his face.

I knew it. You're the worst!

Excuse me?

I'm not Richard, you fool.

I'm the father you and your giant iPad

robbed of his daughter's
first ballet solo.

I hope whatever reason you had

to prioritize your child
over mine was a good one,

and now that I hear
it, it's pretty close,

I have to admit, but still.


You're a maniac,

but I'm grateful

because this has been
one of the most abysmal dates

- I have ever been on.
- Oh!

People think that cats are standoffish,

but my guy, when I come home...

Okay, I've got to stop you right there.

I'm not Ana, and this isn't happening.

I had a feeling. (chuckles)

Can I at least take a picture with you

so I can tell other women we dated?

What?! No!

You're right.

It's just that you're so pretty.

All right, get in here.


Manny, come on.

We're going to be late for the mixer.

Uh, excuse me, did I say
your time-out was over?

Back on the bed.

I'm sorry, okay? No more pranks.

I promise.

I just wanted to have
fun with you. Geez!


I forgot I did that one! (stifles laugh)

- Aye, Manny! Por favor!
- Get out. No, no. Get out!

- Luke, we should talk about this!
- There's nothing to talk about.

And you're not coming
to this stupid party.

- I'm going alone.
- So am I.

(door slams)

- Eh.
- Wow.

Like I want to take
some stupid bell class

so we can all find out there's
one more thing I can't do.

Oh, boo-hoo. Your dad believes in you.

My mom's treating me like I'm
on some Japanese game show.

Fine! You win!

You win worst parent, you win college.

Hope you have fun here
while I'm shoveling poo

in some underground poo-shoveling place.

Well, why'd you even come here

if you're so sure you can't get in?

I don't know.

Maybe because this is the one
place we might both get in,

that might make this whole
thing a little less scary!

Well, that's the only
reason I applied, too!

- Then why are we fighting?!
- I don't know!

- So, are we still going to the party?
- Yeah, I'll put on a hat!

I just wanted Luke to feel
good about himself, you know?

Cheer him on a little.

Maybe there is such a thing
as too much cheerleading.

You tell him he can do
anything, and when he can't,

he feels like he's disappointing you.

Luke knows I'd never
be disappointed in him.

Does he? Luke is very sweet,

but he doesn't know a lot of things.

So I'm supposed to pump him up,

but not so much that he's
afraid to let me down.

It's ironic that I'm
struggling with this

since my greatest cheerleading
move was threading the needle.

It's when your seven
cheermates make hoop arms...

I don't care.

I just want Manny to
learn how to take a joke.

Yes, but there's a
difference between a joke

and yelling "Pervert!"
before shoving him

into the girls' locker room.

Aye, please, that was funny.

Besides, I was the one who broke a heel

trying to keep the door shut.

College is a big change.

I'm just trying to
keep it light for him.

For him or for you?

(sighs) Okay.

He's leaving me for the
first time in his life.

I've been married, I've been divorced,

I've lived here, I've lived there.

I drove a taxi, I won "Star Search."

Through all the changes in
my life, there was always us.

Like partners.

If I don't keep this light,
I am going to be very sad.

I know. It stinks.

You just have to hope
they get irritating enough

by the end of the year that
you're ready for them to go.

Maybe I should give
him his harmonica back.

That's the spirit.

Here, take my half steak.

I'll take half your fish.

I got to trick my arteries
every once in a while,

- keep them on their toes.
- (chuckles)

Well, I don't know what you're
doing, but you look great.

And you look great, too.

Oh, look, there's no line at the bar.

How about a Rob Roy for old time's sake?

Oh, you remembered, Sarge.

That was the only drink I could
keep down when I was pregnant.

Who are those people?

You heard them. They're
"Sarge" and "Pea."

Two nicknames I have never
heard in my entire life.

This kindness, I don't trust it.

I know, it's like a
purple sky before a storm.


Beautiful until you realize
the birds are agitated

and ants are walking in circles.

Actually, you know what?

My... my stomach's
feeling a little weird.

I think I'm gonna take a
walk, get a little fresh air.

Oh, no, you don't. You are
not running away this time. No.

Let go, bossy!

Sit down. We are gonna
suffer like a family!

No. Don't... don't
stretch out my jacket!

I just got back into slim fit!

- (glass shatters)
- (gasps)

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah.

- He's fine.
- I just...

Oh, no, of course. Yeah, go get that.

What's going on?

- Oh...
- She pushed me.

I didn't push him. He just,
you know, slipped, fell.

Sit down, sit down.
You're causing a scene.

It's very embarrassing.

You have been quite
rude today, young lady.

General Patton over there.

And this one is basically
a cardboard cutout

who occasionally sips wine and sighs.

We did not raise you to act like this.

- Oh, excuse me.
- No, I-I got it.

No, in fact, you raised us to
act exactly like this, okay?

You two are the ones
that are acting crazy.

What are you talking about?

Who the hell are Sarge and Pea,

and where were they
when we were growing up?

Yeah, maybe if those
two people had raised us,

there would have been room in our house

for other people to have emotions

and somebody wouldn't have
had to shut himself down.

And maybe somebody wouldn't
be trying to control the whole world

because she couldn't control the
chaos in her own home growing up.

Oh, come on. We all know
that's what's wrong with her.

Oh, God.

So, come on. What do you
have to say for yourselves?

- Well, you're not wrong.
- True.

- I'm... I'm sorry. One more time.
- What?

We didn't behave well
when we were married,

and I feel bad about that.

Me, too.

We thought we were staying
together for you, but I don't know,

maybe we'd forced you to live with
two unhappy people for too long.

But we're happy now.

And that's probably why we're
able to be our old selves today.

We should have said
this a long time ago,

but we didn't give you the
kind of home you deserved,

and for that, we're sorry.

Well, you... I mean, there was...

- there was happy times, too.
- Yeah, no, it wasn't all crazytown.

- It was...
- Yeah.

("At Last" plays)
- (gasps)


We're good, right? We can go?

- Yes. Of course.
- Go.

Wow. How about that?

An apology.

I don't think I ever thought
it would feel so good.


- I do like seeing them happy.
- Yeah.

Ohh, you.

Shut up.

I feel stuff.

I know.

♪ ♪

Son of a bitch! That is coconuts!

I remember you!

Do you miss spokesmodeling?

Aye, I do a boat show
every now and then.

That's how I keep my hand in it.

(giggles) Watch, watch.

This is how I sealed the deal.


That's you again!

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb