Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Clean Out Your Junk Drawer - full transcript

Gloria pays for all three couples to have a Sunday afternoon group therapy session, but nobody else is taking it seriously. Meanwhile, Haley and Alex discuss whether they should dump their boyfriends.


Welcome, everyone.
I'm Dr. Debra Radcliffe.

And today I'm going to help you
clean out your junk drawer.

Of course, I'm talking about
an emotional junk drawer

where we store all the pain,
fear, anger that shapes us.

Who would like
to share why they're here?

This one didn't have her glasses
at the high-school auction.

Thought she was bidding on
a home organizer.

And what a lucky mistake.

In Colombia, we never get to do
things like this.

The only time
that I ever went to a seminar

was how to escape the trunk of a car

when your hands are tied
behind your back.

All right, everybody. On your feet.

Okay. You know, I-I sort of thought

this was a "sit here and listen"
kind of a thing. Yeah.

Or as I call it, marriage.

Where's my husbands at?

It's good to laugh at what
makes us most uncomfortable.

But the next three hours will
require active participation.

Let's clear a little space
for ourselves.

You said this was a 45-minute talk.

So what? I was wrong.

What, is there a place
that you'd rather be

than connecting with your family?

You're really asking this
question on football Sunday?

All these men here gave up
their football today.

Thank you, Mitchell, for your sacrifice.

Hey, you know what? I'm missing
a farmer's market to be here,

so...Yeah, I just made it gayer.

It's perfectly normal

to resist opening your
emotional junk drawer. Mm.

I address that in chapter one --
"hey, get a handle on it".

Why don't we start with a fun
activity to loosen everyone up?

I don't care how loose we get,
I'm not spilling my guts

to some table lamp
pretending it's my mother.

And I won't ask you to, Jay.

That kind of silliness
gives therapy a bad name.

We are going to play a game
called tiger, rock star, bunny.

I got this.

Uh, marry the tiger, kill the bunny --

mnh-mnh. That's not my game.

When I call out tiger,

you will become a ferocious tiger.

When I call out rock star,

you will be... A major rocker.

And when I call
out bunny, you will be --

halfway home. Goodbye.

Oh, yeah, go ahead, but don't forget

that we don't have a prenup.

Let's get started.

Tiger!

Feel ridiculous.
I might need booze for this.

Oh, me likey that idea.

We are not cut out for this.

You can't compare yourself to me.

I was in "cats".

No one's comparing themselves
to you, cam.

Rock star.

Looking good, Phil.

I won an air-guitar contest
in high school.

Bet that got you
a lot of air girlfriends.

Come on, Jay. Loosen up. It's fun.

What the hell is that, dad?

Playing an accordion.

Supposed to be a rock star.

I think you should do, like,
a guitar or something.

I only know how to play the accordion.

Pick on Mitchell. He's playing a flute.

At least I hope he is.

# Modern Family 7x08 #
Clean Out Your Junk Drawer
Original Air Date on December 2, 2015

So, why did they need you
out of the house?

They said it was some sort of therapy,

but part of me thinks
it's an intervention for mom.

So, how's school?

Well, in my newtonian mechanics class,

we're learning how to calculate

the velocity of free falling
objects in a...

School's hard.

So, anyways, um...

I sort of did something
and I need your advice,

but I don't want a lot of judgment
and criticism. And you came to me?

Yeah, you've always had such a
strong sense of what's right and wrong.

You always know what --
I have a high-school boy toy.

What?! Who?

It's Luke's dorky friend Reuben.

Ugh. I feel so ashamed.

Oh, my God. You should be.
Isn't he, like, 8?

No, he's 16 and 3/4,

and he has to shave
almost every two weeks.

How did you let this happen?
You go to Caltech.

You're surrounded
by age-appropriate dorks.

I know, but I was home
and still feeling sad

about Sanjay breaking up with me,

and it's overwhelming here.

There are so many brilliant people,

and...Reuben idolizes me.

I guess I just kind of needed that,

so I let him kiss me... Oh.

...and a little bit of this.

I'm so weak.
I can't imagine anything worse.

I hooked up with Andy.

What?! Mm-hmm.

Engaged Andy? I know.

We were all alone at this house

that dad had set up to be sexy --

dad made it sexy for you?!

No, no, for the buyer,
but Andy and I were alone,

a-and suddenly...Bam.

Bam? Mm-hmm.

"Bam" as in sex

or "bam" as in what Reuben
shouted when he unhooked my bra?

Let's just leave it at "bam".

Look at us.

I don't even know
what to feel right now.

Shame, guilt, fear.

These are just some of the things

we shoved in the back of our
junk drawers when we were young.

This exercise comes
from chapter three --

"scary dreams, expired creams".

Oh, I have both of those.

This may seem unconventional,

but it helps access painful memories...

This is nice.
...While allowing your partner

to see the vulnerable child you
once were. No, it's not. It's weird.

You're so tense today, my little baby.

What are you worried about?

Us looking like idiots.

What? We're superstars here.

Married the longest,
three happy children,

one with a bright future.

You're right.

We're gonna win this thing.

It's not a competition.

Exactly. We have this in the bag.

Mitchell and cam fall apart

if they've got to pick a restaurant,

and all Gloria ever does
is yell at my dad.

Shh.

Yeah, I'd really hate
to be your dad right now.

Now, tell me everything
that you're thinking.

I'm thinking about all that
other stuff we could've bid on

at that auction
instead of this nonsense.

Lunch with Larry king.
A ride along in a cop car.

I heard they let you tase someone.

Jay, this is important.

Dr. Debra said that this is good for us.

Now close your eyes.

Why should I close my eyes?

Because I don't like you looking
up at my neck like that.

The other day,
I took a selfie from down there

and I thought that I was face
timing with my grandmother.

I wemember my mom went into the store

and left me all alone
in the back of a twuck.

Okay, do you have to do the baby talk?

I couldn't pronounce
my r's when I was younger

and the other children
made fun of me, Mitchell. Okay.

It was very twaumatic.

Mom? Mommy? Where are you?

All right, I'm --
I'm starting to lose feeling.

Oh, am I squishing your legs?

No, I meant in our relationship.

All right, we need a game plan here.

My dad and sister are here.

Let's keep a low profile --
light and surfacy.

But aren't we wasting
a great opportunity

to learn more about me?

We are not gonna be
the sideshow gay couple.

Okay, nothing too personal.

For God's sake, no bedroom stuff.

We're representing a community.

And how are you two doing here?

We're very good, very healthy.

Very happy. Yes.

Cam, would you like to switch positions?

I'm not allowed to talk about that.

How's it going here with you two?

Not good. He's not even trying.

Sounds like you're stuck in that drawer.

Sounds like you're stuck
in that metaphor.

What's holding you back, Jay?

I don't like to be held like this.

Why? 'Cause you feel vulnerable?

I don't know.

It just... Reminds me of something.

Go with that. You're safe here.

I don't want to be safe here.

I don't want to talk about this.

About what? Tell me.

It's like the time
my mom held me like this

when my dog ran away
and never came back.

She kept telling me
they didn't know how it got out,

but I knew.

I left the gate open. It was my fault.

I lost checkers. Ay!

I can't take this.

Wait, what -- what just happened?
I don't know.

I think he's not used
to feeling emotions.

Maybe it was too much for him.

No, no, this is good.

Some people's junk drawers are so full,

it's a struggle to open them.

W-was he holding his chest?

S?! Something seemed wong.

Jay, are you okay? It's Gloria.

Dad. Dad, come on.

Ay, it's locked.

D-dad, open up.

Hang on, I got a paperclip.

Be careful. He's very raw.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Jay! Huh? Oh.

I'm still sad.

_

You prefer to hide in the bathroom

than to deal with your emotions!

Gloria, what's the big deal?

The big deal is that
we're raising a child together,

and you have a chance

to make him different than those two.

Hello. Us?

I'm sorry. What's wrong with us?

I'd take a bullet for you,

but you two are kind of neurotic.

We're not neurotic.
Do people say that we're neurotic?

They don't say that, do they?

Yes. Yes.

All the junk wants to
come out of the drawer.

Can you feel it? I can.

No, Jay doesn't feel anything.

I feel lots of things.

Annoyed that I'm missing my game,

joy that the steelers are winning.
Oh, what is the score?

We're not gonna talk
about football here!

Gloria's right.

We should talk about deeper things

like those awkward years
between 14 to 6.

Oh. Yes.

When do we get to talk about
the dumb things

that our husbands do?

Gloria, thank you.
I'm glad you said that.

You're welcome.
At least somebody's helping.

Because that kind of language
is counterproductive.

Oh, snap.

This next exercise will teach us
how to communicate our needs

in a constructive
and non-threatening manner.

We do that all the time.

Very constructively communicated.

Would one of my couples
like to help me demonstrate

for the rest of the group?

Yes, we would. We'd love to help.

How is this low profile?
Oh, come on, it'll fun.

Your chair, please, cam. Sure.

Face this way. Thank you.

Now, I'd like you both
to think of a behavior

of your partner's
that you would like to change.

But we're going to avoid phrases

like "you always" and "you never",

and instead put it in terms
of how we feel. Okay.

Mitch, you'll start.

Okay.

Sometimes, I wish you
wouldn't wear blue so much

because I feel jealous
that you look so good in it.

Now, cam, let Mitch know
if you heard him

and if you feel you can do that.

I did hear that.

Okay.

And I will try to wear less blue.

Very good. Very good.

Maybe dig a little deeper in the drawer.

Well, sometimes when you don't
use a coaster with a -- a drink,

I get anxious because
I love our furniture

and we bought it together.

Aww, that's very sweet. I hear that.

And I'm gonna try
and use a coaster more.

Okay. Excellent, both of you.

Mitch, keep going.

Yeah, so, uh...Sometimes
when you leave the room

and you don't turn off
the lights, I just feel --

seriously? That again?

Surfacy.

Well, I told you not to harp
on me about the lights.

Oh, because this is the first

that I'm hearing about the coasters.

Here we go.

Okay, I don't appreciate the smirking.

I hear you, Mitchell,

and I will try to smirk
when you're not looking.

I feel like if Andy weren't
engaged, we'd have a chance.

And if Reuben were
just a little bit older

and didn't wear prescription shoes --

it'd still be gross. I know.

What are we gonna do?
We should both just end it.

I am not killing myself.

No! Break up with them.

Oh, God.

You deserve somebody that
isn't engaged to somebody else.

Yeah, and you deserve to be with someone

who didn't take baths with Luke.

I already tried to dump him once.

Hopefully it'll go better this time.

Look, I'm sick of hiding our love.

If you're ashamed of me -- I am.

Then maybe we should break up.
We should.

No, please don't break up with me.

You're the -- the smartest,

most beautiful girl on the planet.

Fine.

I'm gonna text Andy right now

and tell him we need to talk today,

and you should, too.

I can't text him.

He lost his phone privileges

until he gets his Spanish grade back up,

but I'll just go hang
around the playground

till his kickball practice is over.

I'm glad we talked.

Me too.

This is how we're gonna stay on track

for the rest of our lives --

by always being there for each other.

He plays kickball?

Equipment manager.

Now that we're learning
to communicate constructively,

let's put those new skills to use.

Thank you.

I want everyone to write down

everything about your partner
that drives you crazy.

Really?

The drawers are open. Dig in.

Sounds a little marriage-endy,
doesn't it?

I mean, it does, but not for us.

Maybe...

Oh, huh, interesting.

Phil, there's nothing
that bugs you about Claire?

Nope.

Not even "me likey"?

What's he talking about? I have no idea.

He says you say it a lot
and it drives him crazy.

Phil.

Okay, uh, Claire. Yeah.

I love you. I know.

But when you use that expression,

it makes me feel, um...Icky.

But, I mean, I've hardly
ever even used the expression --

me likey Sushi,
me likey "game of thrones",

me likey chardonnay.

It does hit my ear wrong.
But you know what? Forget it.

I'm sorry.
I got nothing to complain about.

Me lucky. Mnh-mnh.

Phil, never apologize for your feelings.

I thought we're not
supposed to say "never".

Good catch, Jay. Thank you.

As the kids say, it's
going to get real up in here,

but trust me, after that,

once I've guided you through
the extremely specific steps

in deciding what goes back in the drawer

and what gets thrown out,

you will be the best version
of yourselves.

It always works. Don't say "always".

Thank you.

Let's get writing.

Nothing is off-limits.

These are your private thoughts,
and you are entitled to them.

Excuse me.

You think I'm too loud?

Shh! Shh!

How am I loud?

Well, you take in too much air

and you expel that air
with large and sudden bursts.

That's how.

Oh, so you're saying
that I am full of hot air?

No, I'm saying just the opposite.

None of the air stays in you. Hmm.

The lights again.
Now you've written it down?

I'm trying to stick to the small stuff.

Oh, well, congratulations.

You nailed it,
because that's real small.

It -- okay, it bothers me, all right?

I-I've asked you very nicely
to turn off the lights.

Constantly.

It's like we're londoners
hiding from war planes.

Why did you write down "teepee joke"?

Debra said these are my personal
and private thoughts.

I love that joke.
I tell it all the time.

It's funny. To you.

Okay. Listen up, guys.

This guy walks into
his shrink's office and he says,

"doc, what's wrong with me?
I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam."

And the doc says,

"That's your problem. You're two tents."

Do you get it? Two tents.

That's bad, Claire. That's really bad.

You made her like that.

If you let her feel things,

maybe she'll know what is funny.

Don't care what you people think.

Me likey.

Mm.

What is wrong with "me likey"?

Claire... Yes.

...I love you. Oh, then stop saying it!

It just seems a little childish. Really?

'Cause you're the one who can't
stop playing with his pogo stick.

You know what? Mm-hmm?

Maybe you'd be happier

if you played with my pogo stick
once in a while. Oh, my God!

What's sad is they're actually
talking about a pogo stick.

What's sad is you love
electricity more than me.

It's like we have
a deranged second grader

bouncing around the neighborhood.

When did you get so old?! Oh!

I mean, I love you!

All right, cam,

it's been a pet peeve of mine
since I was a kid,

and I've asked you so many times
that when you ignore me,

it feels a little passive-aggressive.

And when you nag me constantly,

it feels like I'm talking to my mother.

When I have to nag you,

it makes me feel like I am your mother,

which could be why it's been a month

since we played with
each other's pogo sticks.

Oh. Ay.

Oh, my God!

How do you think we feel, Mitchell?!

Oh!

Miss, this is not going
the way it should be.

Why don't you tell us how to fix this?

I'm so sorry. I have to go.

No, no, no!

You have to help us
put this back together!

It's a family emergency.

Trust me, it cannot be
as bad as this one.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

But I have to go pick up my son

because my idiot ex-husband
loaned his car

to his latest tinder whore.

We paid good money for this.

No, it was only $84.

Excuse me?

I would've paid more,
but nobody else was bidding.

That's great.

You know what? I deserve it.

This is what you get for dumbing
down 30 years of research

for a trite analogy of a junk drawer.

Just because my editor told me

it would get me on the "Ellen" show.

You were on "Ellen"?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I danced my way into America's heart,

and that's why I'm stuck here on
a Sunday afternoon for 80 bucks.

Wait. You can't leave now.

All our junk is out!

_

Hey. Hey.

That's a cool shirt. You look nice.

I have to cut you off right there.

The shirt stays on.

I have to hang up on this Booty call.

Wait, what?

You and me, this -- this has to stop.

I'm so racked with guilt.

I keep giving money
to different charities.

I even fronted a Zach braff
movie on kickstarter.

Andy, slow down.

No, you're not gonna talk me into it.

I'm even wearing embarrassing
underwear just in case.

Oh, God, you're making this
so much easier.

Look, I texted you
to say the same thing.

You did?

Yeah.

I'm trying to be a better person.

And, ironically, you're one of
the reasons why, but...

A better person does not hook up
with an engaged person.

So, what now?

I don't know.

We're still gonna see each other.

You work for, like, half my family.

Do I remove you from my calling circle?

I think that's between you
and your wireless carrier.

I guess that's that.

It's not like it's goodbye forever.

It's just...

When we run into each other from now on,

we keep our clothes on.

Yes. Totally.

But, you know...

If things were different --

I know.

Bye, Haley.

Bye.

So, that's it? It's over?

I can't believe she just left like that.

Great. Now what?

I know what you're all thinking,

and, yes, I will take over
as group leader.

No one's thinking that.

I'm the only one with improv experience.

Oh, really?

Or was I the only white member
of ha ha blacksheep?

I seem to remember
bringing down the hizouse

with such classic characters
as a scared tourist,

quarterback, and Bryant gumbel.

I'll tag you in if I need you.
All right, everyone.

This first exercise is called
entrances and exits.

Let me go first.

I'm leaving to watch the football game.

No, se?or! Jay, no.

Oh, dear God!

The only reason we stirred all this up

is 'cause Mrs. Magoo here

thought she was bidding
on a home organizer.

I knew exactly what I was doing!

I have tried everything.

I just needed a new way to
get you to express your feelings

and to allow other people
to express theirs.

I need you to be fine

with Manny dancing around
the living room when he's happy

and Joe crying when he's sad.

You don't see the downside
to all this? No.

Mitchell, you want to weigh in here?

We're all reliving it.

How about you two?

You feel good about getting all
this stuff out in the open?

Let me just make one thing
perfectly clear.

There were two tents.

T-e-n-t-s and t-e-- you're right.

It's a horrible joke.
But it's all your fault.

I told you!

For the record,
we are just as grossed out

at the thought of you all having sex --

that's it! I'm out!
What the hell are we doing?

Dancing around, telling secrets

like girls at a slumber party.

I can just imagine
my old man with his buddies

sitting at their lawn chairs,
laughing their asses off

that I missed a whole day of football

'cause I'm trying to get
in touch with my emotions.

These guys didn't do that crap.
These were men!

His best friend Tommy Ryan

lost half a finger
in a sheet metal press.

Waited until his shift ended
to go to the hospital.

I broke my collar bone
in a football game.

There was dad up in the stands
giving me the old "be tough".

So I played two more downs
before I passed out.

My date, maryjo klumsky,

left the senior dance with another guy.

Broke my heart.

2:00 A.M. at the kitchen table,
my old man's telling me,

"eat the sandwich and forget about her."

Feelings!

I didn't even cry at his funeral.

You believe that?

The guy was my whole world.

Not a tear.

Everybody looking at me like --
like I didn't love him.

But he knew.

He had to know, right?

Of course he did.

Son of a bitch,
that felt good getting that out.

Wow.

I know.

They just won therapy.

Hey, it's me. I broke up with Reuben.

I knew he'd be crushed,

so I did it quickly like ripping off

one of his incredible Hulk band-aids.

So, how about you? Did you do it?

Yep. I sure did.

"Why do we choose partners
so different from ourselves?

It's not fate or chance

or clich?s like 'the heart wants
what the heart wants.'"

"we choose our partners
because they represent

the unfinished business
from our childhood."

Phil.

Phil.

"And we choose them

because they manifest
the qualities we wish we had."

I'm afraid I'm not fun enough for you.

Huh? Yeah.

My sayings aren't cute,
my jokes aren't funny, and --

and you're gonna get sick of me
once the kids leave

and you realize how truly crazy I am.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Honey, I already know how crazy you are.

"In doing so, in choosing
such a challenging partner,

and working to give them what they need,

we chart a course for our own growth."

Go to sleep, Jay-Jay.

I'm telling you, the woman is a genius.

_

I didn't feel like going to
my grandpa's house that Sunday,

so I pretended to have a cold.

Wouldn't you know it,
a few days later...

Oh, no.

Yep. I got the cold.

I thought it was karma,
so I hopped on my bike

and I rode straight to my grandpa's.

I climbed in his lap
and I hugged him so hard.

We even shared an ice cream cone.

It's a memory I'll always cherish,

'cause in a crazy coincidence,

he got a cold, too,
and was dead within a week.