Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - Phil's Sexy, Sexy House - full transcript

Haley sneaks into the fancy house Phil is selling for some alone time, but discovers that other people had the same idea. Meanwhile, Jay secretly plans a trip for the family, and Manny tries to use his brother Joe to impress a girl.

Well, I'm off.

While I do love our tradition

of still getting together on Saturday

for Thanksgiving leftovers,

maybe next time we can order a Turkey

that doesn't have its own event horizon.

Oh, well, who cares?

I know it's totally gonna slay them

in my astrophysics club.

First time anyone in that club
gets slayed.

Let me give you a hug goodbye.

I cannot believe that you're
already going to college.

It seems like yesterday
when you were a little girl

reading at college level.

Check you out!


I have a hot study partner
coming over, so --

what are you making, my little chef?

I'm making pasghetti!

You are adorable.

I remember when I had everyone
in the palm of my hand

with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti".

We both know you know how to say it.

Hey, guys, thanks again

for helping me to get that listing.

Cyril's house.

Pretty sexy, huh? Ridonk.

This place makes the playboy mansion

look like an old folks' home.

Which I guess it kind of is now.

Infinity pool, killer views,

state-of-the-art game room,
home theater...

Plus that four-person shower.

Did you know that's where cyril
met his new husband?

Aww. Mm-hmm.

Even the security code's sexy.

Literally. It spells out "sexy"
on the keypad.

Even I think that's trying too hard,

and at this point,
I'm mostly body spray.

And that master bathtub alone
has been in four rap videos

plus a murder re-creation
on a "dateline" special

called "rub-a-dub dead".

When I was younger,

I was a little embarrassed

my dad was just a real-estate agent.

But as I got older, I realized,

hey, he may not have
the coolest job in the world,

but he puts food on the table

and has access to
a bunch of empty houses

I can sneak into."

Wow. Nice pool at the
three-bedroom in hillgrove.

Well, looky here,

one of my kids showing interest
in the family biz.

Oh, I don't know
if I'm smart enough for that.

You have to remember so much stuff,

like when anyone's gonna be there.

That's what the datebook's for.

Plus you have to remember

all of those lock-box combinations.

I just use a very special birthday.



I left my watch by cyril's tub.

I'm usually extra careful
not to leave any trace

that I was at one of my dad's houses,

but this tub has 16 pulsating jets,

and the whole floor vibrates

with something called "Swedish release".

It took me 20 minutes
to find my car in the driveway.

I'm so sorry, grandpa.

I have to go do this thing for work.

Thanks. Hold on.

No one leaves this house
without a bag of meat. Mm.

Bye, honey.

Can you believe how conscientious

our little girl has become?

Racing off to work on a Saturday.

There's a 30% chance
she thinks it's Friday,

but still. Mm-hmm.

Are you still mad at me?


I lost my cool on Phil last night.

But in my defense,
I had been traveling all day,

and we had different ideas

about how we were gonna spend
the evening.

Get in here right now.

Get in this tub, you dirty girl.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet,

but I've been up since 5:00 A.M.

Don't overthink it, babe.
Just take the plunge.

Oh, good, you're back.

Could you grab the underwater camera?

You're bathing with them now?

They waddled into the garage
and got oil on them.

And then when they were in here
by themselves,

all they wanted to do
was horse around, so...

I spent the morning in Berkeley

and the afternoon in Portland.

I deserve to feel clean again.

But now the nice, soothing tub

that I've been dreaming about all day

is filled with feathers and motor oil

and probably bird flu.

So, no. No. You just sit tight,

and I will use the hose in the backyard.

Could you still grab the camera?

Okay. I was harsh.

But the flight back
from Portland was rough.

The overheads were packed
with foldable bikes,

and I was sitting next to a guy
using a typewriter.

Still, Phil is really
holding on to this one.


Pft. Well, Phil's mad at me.

Come here, little girl.

Let me give you a hug.

You're not shy with those hugs
today, are you?

Oh, and come here. Oh, me too?

I don't know what it is,

but I get so emotional
around the holidays.

Awww. Ha, ha.

# Modern Family 7x07 #
Phil's Sexy, Sexy House
Original Air Date on November 18, 2015

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mr. Dunphy? Is that you?


Andy, wh-- uh, what are you doing here?

Setting up for an open house tomorrow.

What are you d--

Splish, splash,
who was taking a bath?! Me.

I snuck over last night,
but the faucet leaked,

and I guess I was so mellowed out

I forgot to drain the tub.

That's pretty darn mellowed out.

Were you burning incense?

Uh, yep. Sure was. Okay.

Well, I'll lay some towels down.
You drain the tub.

Is it stuck?

No, I'm checking my makeup
in the reflection.

Yes, it's stuck.

Here. Let me help.

No, no. I can get it.

Here. Okay.

Unh! Aah!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Relax, I'm okay.

No. Isn't this the tub
from the lil Wayne video?

Huh. Huh!

I put our clothes in the dryer.

I made an executive decision --

went with the Irish Mountain
dryer sheets.

What does an Irish Mountain smell like?

We'll find out in 30, 35 minutes.

Hey, uh, don't tell my dad
I was here, okay?

I suppose I could do you that wee favor.

Do me a second favor...

Yeah, I don't love it, either.


Hey, why were you

taking a bath over here, anyway?

Oh, I just wanted a few hours to myself.

You know, I live in my parents'
basement, I broke up with Dylan,

I was depressed about how much
I ate at Thanksgiving...

You broke up with Dylan, huh?

Yeah. Actually, it was the day

that we saw you and Beth at that movie.

You guys seemed so great together

I guess I just thought, "I want that".

I am pretty lucky.

But for what it's worth,

Beth and I are not perfect.

Things come up when you plan a wedding.

Really? There's such a thing
as mormon drama?

There was when Beth's Uncle found out

we're serving coffee at the reception.

Plus, she doesn't want me
to have a bachelor party.

At all?

It is one night before
the rest of your life.

You should do it up.
That's what I said.

Well, to my mirror, but you're right.

I deserve one adventure
before I settle down.

Oh! Look what you did. Here.

Well, yeah, I mean,
you got to do something fun.

Um...Maybe you try and fix it.

Yeah. It should be simple enough.


I did not mean to do that.

Um, maybe try this one?


Maybe we shouldn't touch
any more buttons.


Uh...What were we talking about?

Having an adventure.

Oh, God, is that my dad?

'Tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!

Get in the laundry room!

...And sad news from the zoo,

chuffa the panda has suffered a m--

Stop touching stuff!


Wow, you're not shy with
those hugs today, are you?

I don't know what it is, but I get
so emotional around the holidays.

Aww. Oh, I get it. I really do.

I love you. I love you.

Aww. Gloria.

So, this year,

we're surprising the family
with a trip to Miami.

The travel company needs
everybody's driver's license

to book the flight.

That's where "sticky fingers" here

comes in handy.

Everybody has a bad cousin

that teaches you a few things.

Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket,

how to hot-wire a car,

how to put tacks on your shoe

when you want to throw off
a-a lie-detector test.

Which cousin was this?

I am the cousin.


Phil, honey, remember
those gutter covers

that we ordered like a year ago?

Good news.

They shipped!

Wow. That's exciting.

Please kill me

if I ever find gutter covers exciting.

I know. That marriage is staler

than a box of cupcakes
at a supermodel retreat.

Oh, ay, Phil!

Thank you again for coming! Oh!

It was our pleasure. You're always so...

...Generous to have us!

Ay, I'm sorry.
I didn't wanted to tickle you.

It's just that I love
how this fabric feel.

Oh... What is the name of this material?


Oh, and they feel so tight, huh?

Oh, a little holiday trick.

Keeps me from eating too much.

I think you're too tense. Oh...

What the hell is going --

hey, hon. Yeah?

Hi. We didn't get much of a chance

to talk today.

Um...How are you?

Not great.

But, honestly, I don't want to bore you.

Oh, well, at least start the story.

Okay. Um, well,
I got back from Portland,

and Phil was in the bathtub
with all the ducks,

and I just completely lost it.

And, yes, I've apologized... Oh, boy!

...but he's really not
letting go of it this time.

I -- you're so strong! You know what?

Work's taking up a lot of your time,

isn't it?
You're taking his side on this?

I've been you on this.

When I was bogged down with work,

your mother and I fought all the time.

I mean, maybe not about ducks.
I'm not a weirdo.

But maybe he's mad at you
because you're not around.

But I only took like two trips.

Just 'cause you're around
doesn't mean you're around.

That's one of those
loopy things mom would say.

I used to pretend that
I didn't understand it, too,

but I did.

Why not just make some time
for each other?

Maybe you're right.


Maybe I'll take him for
a weekend up north, huh?

What do you think? Sure.

Yeah. Or leave him.

You're still attractive.
Worked great for me.

I am still in shock about the deal
we got on those ice-cube trays.

I know. It's like we pulled off
the great tray robbery.

You know, it says we're supposed
to throw them in the dishwasher,

but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.

Oh, you are so bad!

You know, since we got
all of our errands done early

and we do have a little
extra time on our hands...

And lily's at a sleepover. Mm-hmm.

Oh! Just -- right there.
A little to the right.

Yep. Right there.

Right -- yeah. Perfect. Now turn.

Whew! Oh!

I have been wanting to flip
that mattress for months.

I know. It feels good to get stuff done.

Yeah, it does! Yes!

Aaah. So, other than lily,

we have no real reason
to be alive, right?

Oh, God, is that my dad?

Get in the laundry room!

...And sad news from the zoo,

chuffa the panda has suffered a m--

stop touching stuff!


Are you sure we should be doing this?

Mitchell, we just high-fived
over flipping a mattress.

That's way sadder than Phil
and Claire's gutter covers.

Plus, cyril won't care.

It's not like he hasn't had
his fun in our place.

What? When? At your birthday party?

He and Gregory were in the
bathroom for like an hour.

Oh, no. That's 'cause Gregory lost
a contact lens. Okay, you're adorable.

All right, now, I'm gonna
go make some cocktails,

and then when that sun goes down...
Mm-hmm. and I can get cozy
in the hot tub, okay?

Ohh, I like the sound of that.

I'm gonna put on some mood music, huh?

Hey, cam, don't they have a remote

that controls everything?
Yeah, I think so.

You know where he keeps that?

Well, ours is always getting
buried in the couch.

Oh, here it is.


Ooh, I like this song.

Would you like a show to go with it?

Mitchell! Who's Mitchell?

I'm magic Mitch.

Welder by day...

...stripper by choice.

My unwed sister is
seven months pregnant.

My mother has some uterine issues

not covered by medicare.

But if you want to make
it rain, I will --

Mitchell! Sweetie, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

How's the lamp?
Is it okay? Does it work?

It's fine. See? Okay.

All right, now, come on.
Let's get back on track.

Yes. I'll go get the cocktails.

You make yourself comfortable.

I sure will.


Maybe something a little more lively?

Man: It's not "Adam and Steve", damn it.

Woman: Corpses as far as the eye can see.

Man: What you don't know
about your ice-cube tray

could kill you.

Maybe the first station.

Oh, what's happening?

Oh! Oh! Ooh!


Don't worry about Claire.

You've got me all afternoon.


Honey, remember those gutter covers

that we ordered like a year ago?

Good news. They shipped!

Wow. That's exciting.

Claire's been working a lot lately,

and it's been...Great.

It's given me a lot more time
for "battle beasts of gar,"

this massive online role-playing game.

And with cyril's
state-of-the-art gaming system,

I've been able to take my
half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage --

pyrominiyak --

to a whole new level.

Level three!

Our guild, thugsquad,

has been trying to plan a raid
against our arch-rival guild,

led by the ruthless sexybeast,

and I got a text saying
it was finally happening.

That is, if I could get Claire

to be okay with me disappearing
for a few hours.

Phil, honey, I want to apologize.
For what?

You haven't -- been around at all.
I know.

I know, and I want to make it up to you.

It was very hurtful. Yeah.

It's just sometimes
I get so caught up in work

that even when I am around,
I'm not around.

Mm. So well put.

I don't want to beat you up about that.

It's healing time now.

You know, what I'd love

is a few hours at Cyril's
house this afternoon.

With me?


I was thinking about that

role-playing thing I'm into?

Phil and I have, on occasion,

adopted various alter-egos
to spice up our marriage.

Cyril's house does sound

kind of perfect for some romance.

And I like that Phil wants
to move past this, so...

Did you have a particular genre in mind

for this afternoon's game?

Yes. Medieval fantasy.

Ah. Great.

Thank you. Mm.

Oh, sexybeast,
you are gonna get so spanked.


No, say "fridger-frater".

But it's refrigerator.

I need you to focus, kid.

Fridger-frater --
where we keep the sammiches.

People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever.

But I had that fetching
study partner coming over,

and I realized I could use
Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness

to my amorous advantage.


Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.

But it's sandwich.

It's like you're not even trying.

Okay, that's probably her.

L-look, just be cute, okay? For my sake.

It's like when guys use puppies
to attract girls.

Hi, Manny. Uh, olive. Please come in.

That's my little brother, Joe.

Don't mind his little pot there.

Hey, what do you have in there again?

Some kind of pasta dish?

Woof, woof!

Aww! Are you a doggie?

Yeah, he's always doing
adorable stuff like that

'cause I'm his hero.

I love that.

Are you a good doggie or a bad doggie?


Oh, scary!

Adorable. I know.

Uh, so should we head up?

Oh, my God!

Get it off me! Uh...No!

Joe! Joe!

Joe, let go!

What are you doing? He's biting me!

Do something! Uh...

Grr! No! Bad Joe!

Bad Joe! Ow! That's just
making him bite me harder!

A person is not a sammich, Joe!

Joe, what are you doing?!

Joe, let go!

Did you know Phil was gonna be here?

No. I-I wear a t-shirt in the pool.

Do you think I want him
to see me in the middle of this?

Go. Go.

Well, we only have one six-pack

so, in a way,
it's good all the girls said no.

Aah! What are you doing here?

Oh, um, my S.A.T. Prep group

needed a quiet place to study.

You ain't studying acting.

Okay. We don't have time for this.

Your father -- Everybody freeze!

Tae Kwon Joe!

Eyes on those blood bats!
Let's burn 'em down fast!

Come on, madskillz87!

You're supposed to be
on spell interrupt!

Do not let those casters
get off any more frost traps!

Lisa, looks like it's you
and me on the lava demon.

Hang tight!


Let's send them back to hell
in time for madskillz

to make it to his oboe lesson!

And I thought my dad was
embarrassing. Shut up.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.


Is anybody here?

Drop it! Oh!

Ohh, gettin' right to it.

I like it.

Please, sir, have pity.

'Tis true I'm just a common thief,

but if you have mercy,

I'll make it worth your while --
oh, yes.


What medieval creature is this?

Half-man, half-robot... Welder?

If you come out now,
you simpering coward,

maybe I'll show you a little mercy.

Please don't hurt me! It was her idea!

I'm the one who wanted to go slow!

Reuben? Oh, Alex!

Claire? Reuben again?

He wore a Batman cape

to the first day of high school!

You're really judging me right now

when you look like
a hooker at comic-con?

Yes, this was a miscalculation
on my part,

and I will be getting my coat... Claire,

what is going on?
...And getting out of here as soon as I --


Is that beer behind your back?

Get out here! You are so grounded!

Mrs. Dunphy, do you ever tutor?

Dude! Ugh.

I'm just gonna grab my
razor scooter and bounce.

Happy birth-- happy birth--

no, you know it's no one's birthday.

You're probably here for
the same reason as those two.

Well, technically, this is your fault,

because we were afraid our marriage

was getting as boring as yours.

Though based on her outfit,

we need to work a little harder.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm the only one authorized to be here.

By sneaking in, you've disrespected me,

and violated the trust
between me, my clients,

and this sexy, sexy house.

No. No!

Great. Now Lisa's dead.

I want everybody out of here right now!

Well, at least we have our house
to ourselves still. Mm.

Does magic Mitch have
another set him in? Yeah.

His grandma's built-up shoe
isn't gonna pay for itself.

Okay, we need to work on
your sexy patter. Unh!

Off the lamp. Off the lamp.

Okay, before you get any stupid ideas,

Reuben and I broke in here

so I could help him with his math.

Heh. Good luck getting
through to that guy.

He's clueless.

Honey. Yes?

Um...I'm sorry.

That -- that little outburst

was mainly directed at them.

Whatever misunderstanding led to this,

I'm...Happy about.

Oh! Oh! I thought you were upset

because we hadn't spent
any time together.

And then you said you wanted
some role-playing fun...



Honey, I know you've been
working really hard lately,

and I-I appreciate any time
I can get with you.

So you're not mad at me?
Silence, elvin harlot.

Ohh, sorry, my lord.

Didn't mean to offend.

But you have, craven wench.


And I shall mete out punishment as --

I can hear you guys giggling.

At least I have a girlfriend!

All clear.

Well, that was crazy.

My ticker hasn't gotten
a workout that good

since I made the finals of
that cup-stacking competition.

Hey, should I take these robes upstairs?

I'm gonna pop mine in the washer.

I've got about three pounds
of tension sweat in here.


I, uh...

I feel kind of bad about before.

Don't. We didn't do anything.

I know. It just felt like
something could've...

If everybody hadn't... Yeah.

You know what it is.

It's the house. It's the house!

I mean, the fireplace, the music...

The crazy couch-bed.

Anyone could've gotten swept up.

Anyone. Anyone. Yeah.

Heh. Anyone.

Well, I should get going.

Yeah. Totally.

I mean, it was a fun afternoon, though.

I wanted one crazy adventure
before I got married,

and I got one.

Good. It was fun.

I'll see you later.



What's Joe doing in Stella's cage?

He knows what he did.

Go on, boy! Get!

Jay! So, I was thinking,

since Miami's only a few
hours away from Colombia,

why don't we have
my relatives fly to Miami

so that the whole family
can be together?

Gloria, I love your family. I do.

But -- this is so typical.

We do everything for your family,

but when it comes to
my side of the family, then --

we're not going to Miami. What?

I bought everybody
plane tickets to Colombia.

Ay, Jay!

That's not what you were supposed to do!

I think you mean "you shouldn't have,"

and you're probably right. No!

I mean you shouldn't have been
nice about this at all!

You were supposed to say,

"why can't we see your
family some other time?"

And I would say, "like when?"

And then you would say,
"is never an option?"

And I would say,
"that's so mean, Jay pritchett!"

And then you would say,

"is there a way that I can
make it up to you, Gloria?"

And then I would say, "how about if..."

If what?

Oh, no.


Hola! Hola! Hola!

Yeah. Come in, come in.

Does this feel like a short
visit to you or a long one?

The pregnant one brought a stroller.