Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - The Storm - full transcript

During an electrical storm, Phil tries too hard to prove that he's useful, Jay desperately tries to make an appointment at a bar, Manny has an embarrassing moment with Claire, and Mitch and Cam try to save Lily's failing birthday party.

Okay, five Newtonian equations down.

Only seven quantum
mechanical proofs to go!

We are cooking with C-H-4.

Ohh! Cooking with gas.

And they're both single, fellas.

Come on, guys.
Can't we just have one day

where we respect and
support one another?

Hello, family.

There was an incident this morning

at our annual neighborhood block party.

Cam usually provides the
entertainment at these things,

but he had Lily's birthday
party, so Phil volunteered.

Who needs a Fizbo
if you can have a Philbo?


I mean, where does it end?

It's so long! It's comically long,

when you think about it.

Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.

Just thought if I was the clown,
I wouldn't be scared.

Like how you can't tickle yourself.

Sebastian, no!

I got this! Sebastian!

Your mom's worried about you, buddy,

even though there's absolutely
no reason to be --

Smell -- oh, God.



They were everywhere.

I recognize that I embarrassed
the family this morning,

but I assure you that --

Phil, honey, just come on
over here for one second.

Just a sec.

Honey, you are not the first
person to put on a clown outfit,

walk into a hall of mirrors, and --

I guess what I'm saying is

if you think you need to do
something to make up for that,

don't think that.


Oh, my God, the computer froze!

-Daddy to the rescue!

Well, I feel heard.

Yeah, you know what, Dad,
I-I think it's okay.

I just need to do a hard reset --

No, I don't think it's a reset issue.

I think the surge protector just blew.

I am going to plug this bad boy
directly into the wall and --

Oh, my God! You fried my computer!

All of our work is gone!

Honey, calm down.
These hard drives are designed

to withstand temperatures of up --

-Oh, my God, it's on fire!

# Modern Family 7x14 #
The Storm
Original Air Date on February 24, 2016

Damn it.

What is wrong?

Huh? Nothing.

You know, I totally forgot
some of my Navy buddies

are meeting downtown later

for a little reunion at O'Brien's pub.

Well, nothing special
is happening here today,

so you have permission to go.

Well, I don't really need
your permission.

Why don't you just keep quiet
and take yes for an answer?

Ay, there's my handsome,
perfect, amazing boy!

Still not going on the class trip.

Why are you being such a dummy?
Is this because I --

Mom, I don't want to talk about it.

Why am I the only one in this house

that ever wants to talk about things?!

Ay, papi, what is wrong?

Not now.

Okay, that's it.

If the men in this house
don't start talking to me,

I swear to God that I will
make life miserable

for each and every one of you!

No, not yet.

Oh, don't tell me the power
just went out!

My Sleep Number bed is stuck
on the nap setting.

Calm down. This is exactly why
I sprung for a new generator.

Which, you're welcome, just kicked in.

Now, granted,
it doesn't power everything.

I had to make some hard choices.

Hmm. That's it?
The bar and the pool table?

The frigerator's black.

Okay, Jay, you're not leaving

until you put power
in the important things.

I swear to God, don't make me
more mad than I already am!

Can't I just do it when I get back?

Would you stop doing that?!

It's Lily's 8th birthday,

and we had a little
backyard party planned.

Hot dogs, some balloons --

you know, I mean, we really
just threw it together.

Kind of like my birthday party
last year.

Okay, you told me that you did
not want me to do anything --

Anyway, we were all set
for a casual kids' party,

but then Lily got an e-mail.

She's coming! She's coming!
She's coming! Ashley's coming!

Ashley's coming?

Mitchell, Ashley's coming!

Oh, my God! Well, now, wait a minute.

Ashley S. or Ashley W.?


Ashley W.'s coming!

Ashley is the most popular girl
in Lily's class.

I mean, you invite her... Yeah.

...but you never think
she's gonna accept.

No. Something must have fallen
through, or --

The point is, she decides
who's in and who's out.

So we had to up our game.

Which was a fun challenge.

Yeah, considering it had been a while

since we'd thrown any sort of
fabulous birthday party.

You begged me not to make
a fuss. You said --

Oh, because that sounds like me, yeah.

All right. Once Sophie boards the bus,

we will be on our way
to the Princess Park,

where we will all pick out
our princess costumes!

I think Ashley's having
a really good time.

Yeah? How can you tell?

She's still here.


Oh, no! Is it raining?

Not to worry, sweetie. We have parasols.



It worked!

Good. I powered up all your essentials.

Now I'm gonna go meet my buddies.

I see my espresso machine
didn't make the cut,

but I'll manage.

One of the guys I'm meeting
was lost at sea once.

Had to eat a jellyfish.

I'll speak to him of your courage.

So, power's out.
Had to come over real quick.

Phil got dressed up as a clown

and then had a panic attack
in a hall of mirrors,

so he's gonna be looking to
overcompensate for a lot,

so please don't indulge in any of his --

-Hey, Jay.
-Right here.

I remembered you had a generator.

I'm just gonna upload
a few quick files for Alex.

Don't ask.

I never do.

I can't open the jar.

Well, lucky for you your uncle --

brother-in-law Phil is here.

And with one mighty twi--

We should be...

Bloop! Bloop!

...good to go.

Oh! -Dad!

-No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Dad, stop helping! Ugh!

Hey, monster.

Hey, you.

Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy,

but, uh, the last few weeks
I've just been super busy,

so I guess he's feeling neglected,

and he's acting a little cold.

I mean, a chuck on the arm?

What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer?

Those are people, right?

Ay, there's a puddle!

Stella or Joe.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.

No, no, no, no! Look, it's a leak,

because it's coming through the wall.

Most likely your gutters backed up.

Consider it handled.

Please don't ask me.
Please don't ask me.

Luke! To the gutters!

Okay, princesses, your castle awaits!

What gives?

The roads were starting to flood,

so we were hoping to ride out
the storm here.

Yeah, sure.

Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep
the princess theme alive,

so if you could pretend to be a --

Interested? No.


Ladies, it's costume time! We have...


...Belle, we have Elsa, we have Ariel!


Ew, costumes.

What are we, 5?


Uh, okay, so, that's happening.

Hey, Ashley hates the costumes.

You got to think of something else!

What do we do? Well, I don't know.

Our friends are basically
8-year-old girls.

What would they want to do?

Dance party!

Yeah? Yeah? Okay. Okay, girls.

Uh, let's get some music started
here, huh?

Oh. Oh, God, Cam, there's no power.

There's Cam power.


What is that?

Well, had I listened to you
and we not donated to NPR,

we wouldn't have gotten
this free emergency radio

that we then re-gifted
to Jay and Gloria.

I wouldn't call $19 a month
free, but okay.

All right, let's get a little
funk in here, ladies!

# She's a brick #


# House #


Little more funky energy in this thing!

Got to warm up, you know?

Got to get it warmed up!

# She's mighty, mighty, just le-- #

I don't know what's wrong with me.

This is my butter-churning arm.

Third drawer from the left.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Thank you. What's with the robe?

I had to go outside and cover
my drought-resistant garden.

Timing, right?

Well, anyway, there's no power
in my room,

and I wasn't gonna get dressed
in the dark, so...

Ohh! Oh, no!


How crazy is your dad, huh?!

Braving the elements!

Keeping the family dry! That is fur!

What's the plan, Luke?

There are no bad ideas,

but waving a metal shovel around
in an electrical storm

could have a downside,

so let's put it back in the garage, huh?

Whoa, that was close!

Oh, my God! Not again!

Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine.

I can't believe you let him
get struck again!


Don't worry about it, champ.

I don't even think it hit him.

Last time he smelled like aluminum.

Last time?!

Honey, your father and I
are trying to talk.

Okay, everyone.

Don't feel like you have
to wait for me to get back.


The leak is growing!

I was just on my way back out.

-I'll do it.
-But --


That's a silly excuse not
to go to your school trip.

Mom, I've made my decision.

Oh. Hey.


What's going on here?

I could cut the tension with my machete.

It's so...nothing.

I mean Manny got his robe

caught in the refrigerator door,

and I may have accidentally seen...


Oh, you saw.


Manny, it's over.
What happened happened.

It's done. Okay?

Okay, good, because I have a problem

and I need your help, Claire.

Yes. You got it. What is it?

Well, Manny doesn't want to go
to his school trip

because there is a rumor

that the kids want to go skinny-dipping,

and he's self-conscious about his body.

I'm gonna pretend I don't understand

why you're including me
in this conversation.

I'm just saying --

You could tell him
since you already peeped.

I didn't peep.

Tell him that he has a beautiful body

so at least something good
comes out of the peeping.

Please stop saying that.

When I see Luke naked,
I am going to tell him,

"Luke, you have a beautiful body".


Maybe she doesn't think
I have a beautiful body.


Ay, dios mio!
Claire, is this true?

No! Okay, I can't do this.

I'm -- I'm just gonna
go ahead and walk away now.

But if a bolt of lightning
should strike this house,

you can send it my way.

Oh! Oh!


What -- they didn't like
the peanut-butter sandwiches?

No. No one would touch them
after Ashley said,


Sh! What are you, crazy?
She's right there.

Ugh! This is ridiculous.

Are we really gonna let an
8-year-old dictate this party?

You know how peer pressure is.

I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age.

She blackballed me
from the cafeteria table,

and then no one would sit with me.

I had to eat outside
with the class rooster.

And then one day --

Okay, if this ends in another case

of you almost eating one of
your animal friends, I can't.

But -- okay. This is -- this is
what I'm gonna do.

If we get Ashley on board,

everything else will just fall
into place.

I convince juries that
guilty people are innocent.

I can certainly convince Ashley

that our party ideas are dope.

Yeah, but don't say dope.

I won't say dope.

Ugh. Hey, Ash.

So, listen.


Oh, gosh. Oh, good call.

Um, I'm thinking about kicking
this party up a notch,

more grown-up activi--

Uh, i-i-it's still...

Yeah. Yes, it is. My word.

Kind of a tweener on sizes.

And we always tend to go
smaller, don't we?

I mean, human nature, am I right?

Anyway, um, a lot of high-school girls

are really just falling in love
with Pictionary,

and I sort of -- um, uh... Oh, gosh.

Cam bought me this shirt, and I...

can't believe I just tried to blame Cam.

Mitchell, take responsibility --
You eat bread, you billow.


...your shirt is really nice, and I --

-Yeah. Take the call.


Bye, Ash.

Hey, sexy!

What's all this?

Oh, just a little something
special for you and I.

I would put those away.

Joe goes crazy if you play
with his blocks.

Maybe it's time for us
to get a little crazy.

Come here.

I was afraid of this.

This is why I was trying to slow
things down with Haley.

Women are always drawn to me physically

in a very intense way.

Which often fizzles out

before we have a chance
to connect emotionally.



There are so many things about you

that I just don't know.

I feel, in the Book of Haley,
I'm only in chapter one.

Turn the page for me, girl.


Would it help you to open up
if I were to brush your hair?

You mean in a hot way?

I got us some wine.

You know what would be better?

Two cups of soothing green tea

to warm our emotional availability.

Ooh, the places we will go.
I'll be right back.

I hope this doesn't sound conceited,

but everyone wants me.

I just knew there had to be
a rational reason

Andy was rejecting me.

Beth's Coast Guard uniform.

I can't believe he's not over her.

She's a size six!

Hey! Who moved my blocks?!

Okay, so, Vi equals 367 meters
per second,

and D equals .00214, so th--

Alex, did you know I was struck
by lightning?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not right now. Maisie, continue.

Uh...I lost it.

So...can we talk about my thing now?

Okay, look, you're really hot,

and under the right circumstances,

I could see myself making out
with you, but --


But we're trying to re-create

all the work that we lost on the
computer this morning, so...

Also, every time you open your mouth,

you let out a cloud of stupid
over the entire room.


I don't want to be in here
with you losers anyway.

And another thing --

can we circle back
to what Maisie just said?

Get out!

-Hey. Back already?
-Never left.

And now the pool's a centimeter

from overflowing right in the house.

I got to pump the pool.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Jay, I want you in that bar,

and I need to feel like a man.

Let me pump your pool.

All right. One hose in the pool,
the other one --

Jay, shh. It's me.

You're right. I'll do it.

No, no, no, no, no. I got it. I got it.

Gloria, I'll be back in a couple hours!

What the -- Son of a bitch!
Who left the door open?!

Stella! Stella!

She probably got outside.

Who the hell left the door open?!

Not me!


Oh, God.

What have I done?

Stella! Stella?

All set, here, Jay!
Working like a charm!

Admit it!

You didn't think I could
actually -- Aaah!



Oh, no, no, no.
What are you doing?

Wha-- well, Phil had this
in his trunk...

...and I didn't have faith in
your "talk to Ashley" plan, so --

So you decided to go
with Bleeding Clown?

Well, how did your talk with Ashley go?

It -- Is your shirt stapled?

Yea-- Don't worry about it.

Okay, I will not have
our daughter eat lunch

with a rooster for the next year.

We have a fully-licensed clown
right here.

And I defy any child to
not be delighted by that!

A clown.

You don't like clowns?


You know what?

Shut up, Ashley!

Jay! Jay.

The water is coming inside
the house from the pool!

Of course it is.

Because Phil was supposed
to pump it out!

Actually, there's an emergency valve.

At the north end of
the pool. I know that valve.

I'm gonna open that valve.

Haven't you done enough already?

Please! I need this!

And who else would dare to jump

in that pool right now anyway?


I'm not sure about the rest of you,

but I'm going swimming,
in the rain, in my clothes!

Pool party!

I am not gonna --

Can I come?


Do whatever you want, Ashley.


Is she following? Don't look back.

Everybody stand back!

I opened the valve!

I'm happy for her.

Your husband's outside half naked.

There's still time to go downstairs

and body shame him if you like.

Okay. Let's you and me get this
over with.


Okay, you're really putting
on mixed signals here.

Please stop talking. Okay.

Of course you're insecure
about your body.

You're a teenager.

It's part of the job description.

But if this whole skinny-dipping
thing ever even happens,

you have nothing to worry about.

-Easy for you to --
-You're still talking.

You have nothing to worry about

because nobody's going to be
looking at you,

because all those other kids

are gonna be too preoccupied
with their own insecurities.

But i-if they do?

You'll be fine.

You're the most confident kid
I have ever met,

and that is always sexy.

Thanks, Claire.


And if this helps you in any way,

I've always found you sexy, too.


Oh, God.

Stop pouting!

That's so not you.

Who cares that you dressed up
as a clown,

then scared yourself in many mirrors?

Actually, what's even more embarrassing

is that I thought if I ran
into that fun house

and grabbed that kid,

everyone would look at me

like the hero I always wanted to be.

Correction. What's most embarrassing

is everything I've done since then

to try to make up for the first thing.

What are you talking about? "Hero"?

You're so much more than that.

You have flaws.

You fall down a lot.

You frighten yourself.

You cannot even open a jar.
You cry all the time.

I'm really ready for this
to build into a compliment.

The point is that you are
comfortable with yourself,

and you make people around you
feel comfortable.

They feel that they can talk to you.

That's your superpower!

Pool's drained, leaks are fixed,
generator's running,

and I'm meeting my buddies.

Why, Jay? Why you have to go out?

It's a hurricane outside!

I just do.

I think you probably
loosened it with the --


Here's your precious uniform!

That's Beth's.

Oh, so you admit you're still
in love with her!



Just saying "Hey".
Hurts, doesn't it?



Stop! What are you doing?

You won't kiss me.
You won't even touch me.

And then I find Beth's uniform?

So you tell me, okay?

What do you do with it anyway?

You -- you -- you sniff it,
you snuggle it,

you put it on a coat rack
and dance with it?!

I'm sending Beth's things back to her,

and I got her uniform pressed
because I love my country.

So, y-you and Beth, you --

There is no Beth. There's only you.

I'm just trying to
slow us down a little.

We kind of started this whole
thing off in the middle.

I just want us to catch up emotionally

to where we are physically
so we don't burn out.

We're not going to burn out.

I liked you way before
we ever hooked up.

I just want our relationship
to be as good as our affair.

I mean, we never even had
a romantic first date.

I know.

Maybe we should wait
for the perfect moment

so we can start our relationship right.

Something special and magical,
like in the movies.

What do you want me to do,

chase you through an airport?

I think we got it.

Oh, yeah.

Come on!

A damn tree's blocking the street.

I need my chainsaw.

Jay, I know you didn't ask my advice --

I'm glad you noticed that.
I've been stuck here all day.

Now, I'm going to that bar!

The last thing I need's another delay.

Where the hell's the chainsaw?!

It's right there.

I'm not gonna get there, am I?

We don't have to talk about it.

Old Navy buddy of mine,
Big Jake, died today.

Guys in my unit have
a tradition whereas,

when one of us goes,
the rest of us,

no matter where we are,
find the nearest Irish pub,

and at 7:00, silently toast the fallen.

Started with 10 guys.

Four of us left.

Probably should have told
Gloria about it,

but I don't know.


We all went through
some rough stuff together...

Hard to talk about.




Why can't we remember this last piece?

We just had it this morning.

Hey, guys. I know you're busy,

but do you think being hit by lightning

can make people smarter?

Get out of here.


What --

Yeah. It's probably just a myth.

There's so much crazy stuff

written on the Internet these days.

Turns out, when they figured it
out the first time,

the formula was in the
background of a selfie I took.

Anyway, if you don't think
lightning can do that,

it must not be true.

After all, you are the
smartest people I know.