Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 12 - Clean for a Day - full transcript

Claire's efforts at cleaning house brings resistance from her family and a bittersweet memory for Alex. While Jay sneaks off for flying lessons with Cameron, Mitchell tries to help Gloria learn how to play golf.


Why do I still have to come
to these family meetings?

I'm an adult.

She said, emerging from the
basement in her pajamas at noon.

Get off my back. It's Saturday.

Right? Yeah.

What is this meeting about?

Are the ducks back?
'Cause that was weird.

They saved us.

From people thinking we're normal.

Your mom starts her new job

running grandpa's closet company
on Monday,

and you know how she gets
when there are big changes.

Knockity-knock!

Oh, no. Not --

Mrs. clutterworth.

Who's ready to take
everything we don't want

and toss it in the bin?

I am!

You get her arms, I'll get her legs.

I created Mrs. Clutterworth

when the kids were little

as a way to make home organizing fun.

So fun. Super fun.

Maybe a little confusing.

Why?

Well, the name is clearly inspired

by Mrs. butterworth, right?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But somehow she has a British accent.

Yeah, well, the kids

were super into Mary poppins back then.

Still missing a step.

Take one of these things
up to your rooms.

Put everything in it you don't use.

Can't we just do this next
weekend, or, like, never?

No.

I am starting my new job

and I want to leave things
as organized as possible.

Most people just throw stuff
into a closet.

As president of a closet company,

you should know that.

We're doing this.

Or, more to the point, if...

# there's something that you have #

# and you never, ever use it #

# put it in the bin #

# lose it, lose it, lose it #

oh, I think you've lost it,
lost it, lost it.

# Modern Family 7x12 #
Clean for a Day
Original Air Date on February 10, 2016

I'd like to toast my dad

on his first day of retirement.

Congratulations on
42 years in the closet...

...business.

I think what I'm going to miss the most

is all the closet jokes.

Traditionally on an occasion
this emotionally significant,

he man of the hour delivers
a few well-chosen words.

I would just like to say...

I'm going golfing.

Dad, don't forget
lily's first flute recital

is on Thursday at 3:30.

I would love to be there,

but I'm really swamped at wo--

hell, that snuck up on me.

It's okay, grandpa.
I don't want you to come.

I stink.

Hey, no. No.

You do not stink.

I don't know why she's so bad.

She has a great teacher.

I was a brilliant flautist --

may have won best new soloist

at the lower ventura jazz happening.

I used to keep my trophy in my locker.

I'd stare at it every time
the jealous kids

would stuff me in there.

Hey, have fun today.

Ooh. Nice face candy.

Huh? The aviators.

You're gonna be the coolest guy
on the golf course.

Hey, come here.

I'm dying to tell somebody.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

A secret? Just you and me?

Sorry, that had to come out.

Go on. I'm not going golfing.

I'm taking my first
flying lessons today.

I always dreamed of being a pilot.

Oh, Jay, that's fantastic,
and I -- I totally get it.

I had a crush on the pilot

who flew the crop duster back home.

He had big, broad shoulders
and a deep, husky voice

that, in retrospect, could
have been pesticide-related.

Don't tell anyone, especially Gloria.

I want it to be a surprise.

Not a word.

I'm your man. You're wearing a purse.

This is a gentleman's tactical tote.

And I'll have you know,

this exact model was carried
by a member of seal team 6.

Yes, while his girlfriend
tried on dresses.

Knockity-knock!

What the hell are you doing?

Getting salon-quality haircuts

at a fraction of the price!

Thanks, flowbee!

Ow! Come on, guys.

Have you gotten rid of anything today?
Yeah, all that.

That's one sock.

Oh, my goodness.

What in the world were we thinking?

Hey, gorgeous! Gimme a kiss!

I do not want Luke's dirty sock

anywhere near my mouth.

It's seen worse. No.

Oh, no.

Come on, guys. Stay focused.

I can't be the only one
getting rid of stuff today.

Wait a minute.
What is chickie doing in there?

It's broken. But every year
when the kids were little

he was the star of easter!

I mean, besides Jesus.
When you squeeze it, it says,

"Happy easter!"

Now when you squeeze him, he says,

"battery acid is leaking inside of me.

Let me die!"

Pbht!

Later.

She just took my favorite stick.

You need to control your woman.

That is your mother
you're talking about...

So that's not happening.

I love chickie.

I love all of that stuff!

And I have a plan to get it back.

But maybe we'll let the flowbee go.

All right.

Manny, as requested,

a few of my favorite clown props.

What's wrong, Manny,
you have too many friends?

Don't listen to him.

I volunteered to perform
at Joe's school fair.

I'm closing the show.

Well, at least you know that going in.

Okay, snakes in a can,

endless handkerchief --

it will keep coming out of there

if you keep pulling it --

and, of course, the squirting flower.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Before you take these from me,

would you like a small glass of water?

Is that a dribble glass?

You're ready.

I think I'll pass

on the fake peanut brittle, though.

It's not even fooling preschoolers.

Okay, maybe.

Oh, hello, Gloria.

Thank you for brunch.

It was...

Revolutionary.

Yes. Goodbye.

Tough room. No, no.

Your bowtie is very funny

because it was spinning around,

but I just can't stop thinking about

this terrible dream
that I had last night.

Oh, what was it? It was about Jay.

He was falling from a great height,

and you both were by my side,

and I was very sad because I knew that

I was never, ever
going to see him again.

What do you think that that means?

How would I know? I have all
the same information you have.

Excuse me, I need to make a phone call.

I don't know if Gloria's dreams

can predict the future like mine can,

but I do know that
if something happened to Jay...

I couldn't live with myself.

Of course, I wouldn't have to,

because Gloria would kill me.

Ay, Jay left his phone again.

Cam.

Why are you calling Jay?

Am I?

I-I thought I was calling the gardener.

I forgot to leave the gate open,

so I should probably go let him in.

It'd be cruel to make Caesar
climb another big fence.

_

You know that maneuver

where you fly straight up
until you stall

and then pull out of the dive? Uh-huh.

Can we do that today? Nope.

Don't decide now.
We'll talk when we're up.

Hey, Jay!

Jay, hey, wait up.

Do you think we can take off
before he gets here?

I think we can land
before he gets here.

So this is a pre-check, right?

What are we looking for? Nothing.

Just trying to look cool
for those girls over there.

Jay, I need to talk to you
before you fly.

It's a matter of life and...

Oh, good God.

Hi, um...

Cameron Tucker. Gus.

Hi, Gus. What do you want, cam?

Huh? What do you want?

What? Oh, yes.

You're not gonna
want to get in that plane.

Gloria had a terrible dream

where you fell
from a great height and died.

All right, Gus. Up, up, and away.

No, Jay, she seemed pretty upset,

and if something were to happen --

she's always dreaming about me dying.

Dede did the same thing.

It's typical wife stuff.

Is it? Nothing's gonna happen, cam.

Tell him, Gus. It's perfectly safe.

He's in good hands.

Big hands, too --
I couldn't help but notice.

I'm more worried about

dying from boredom in retirement
than from a fiery crash.

Now, thanks for your concern.

Take your purse and go.

That's one of those
tactical totes, isn't it?

Why, yes.

Yes, it is, Gus.

Anyway, bye, cam.

No, you know what?

I'm not going anywhere,

because in Gloria's dream, I was alive.

So if I'm with you,
this plane can't go down.

You think you being on this small plane

makes it less likely to crash?

Please don't do this to me
in front of Gus, okay?

Hi.

God, I was really into trolls.

Yeah, especially your junior
prom date with the baby teeth.

What do you want?

I need to give clutterworth something

to get her off my back.

I never thought I'd say this,

but can I borrow some of your clothes?

What about this?

Oh, no, no, no. Put that down.

It's Sanjay's. And you're gonna keep it?

I don't know
what I'm gonna do with it yet.

Here.

Cut it into a million pieces.

He was my first real boyfriend.

So what? He cheated on you.

You need to get over this guy
and move on with your life.

I am so over him.

So why are you sniffing that?

I'm just smelling how stupid he smells.

Oh, my God.

Okay, fine. You're right.

I need closure.

I saw on instagram
he's home for the weekend.

So...

You take his stupid hoodie
and his clunky shoes

and you go over there

and throw them in his dumb face.

Those are my shoes.

Huh.

Mommy, it sounds like those raccoons

are fighting again.

Fine, I'll stop.

Hey, what does he know about art?

You've seen his drawings.

He thinks Jay is shorter than a flower.

I don't know what is happening.

I keep coaching her and coaching her,

and she's just getting worse.

You know what? I'll give her a few tips.

My flute of choice
has always been the pan,

but I suppose I could dumb it down.

This is a nightmare.

Yes. She's terrible.

But the nightmare

is seeing your husband
plunging to his death

and having people think that you did it

for the life insurance payout.

That's a new detail.

Gloria, dreams don't predict the future.

They're windows into the subconscious.

Maybe falling from a great height

is about my dad retiring.

You think? Yeah, it could be.

He's no longer a big shot
in the closet industry,

which is apparently a thing.

Maybe you're afraid that the
two of you are growing apart.

It's happening already.

Today we could have done
all sorts of fun things together

and he decided to go golfing!

We could have gone to
dance classes, the arboretum,

the art gallery!

You're kind of swimming
upstream with those.

Look. If -- if you want him
to do the things that you love,

you may have to learn to do
the things that he loves.

Like what?

Golf? Yeah.

Or marry cam.

He loves all that gay stuff
you want to do.

Claire, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Honey.

We got another box
of stuff to give away.

Really. Yep! Pop her open.

Okay. You were so right about
the flowbee, by the way.

It is great, but I would miss
all the gossip at the salon.

I'm dying to hear

if Natasha's estrogen patch
is making a difference.

I saw her Wednesday. It's not.

Hey, you almost done back there?

Just making some room! You know what?

I am so happy to do this for you.

I love you way more
than my beer making kit...

Oh, honey.

...the wooden tennis racket. Mm-hmm.

I don't know, the cowboy hat.

The brown one.

What is taking so long?

All set! Okay.

I'll see you guys later, and thank you
so much for helping out today.

At your service, lady Clutterworth.
Kiss on both cheeks.

Oh. Bob's your Uncle.

Oh.

Keep waving up high.

Wave up high so she can't look down low.

Son of a... Seriously?

Honey, we don't want
to give this stuff away.

We like it.

It's important to us.

How can it be important to you?

You didn't even know it existed

until I told you to go through
the closet and find it.

That is beside the point!

All of this stuff
is packed with meaning!

Really, Phil?

What does this cheap snow globe
mean to you?

We got that at a gas station in Florida.

The snowman's melted.

It used to just be funny,

but now it's also a poignant
statement on global warming.

It's a poignant statement on hoarding,

and we are donating it

along with the rest of this junk.

Well, I can't believe you two.

You'll thank me when I'm back at work

and I don't have time

to be picking up after you
every two minutes.

Guess what?

She didn't get my lucky hat.

You should have kept the racket.

Let's just dive in, all right?

I'm ready! Good.

All right, take a swing. Okay.

Let's see what we're dealing with.

I get in front here... Yes, you do.

And then...

One, two, three!

Ahh!

It went so far away.

I am a natural.

No, he is.
Your ball is still on the tee.

I am worse than I thought then.
No, no, no, no, no. It's fine.

You just need to remember

a few of the simple fundamentals

that helped me when I
was learning, okay? Okay.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

Just line yourself up
in front of the ball.

Now what you want to do is keep your
right thumb on the left side of the shaft.

This one. Yeah, mm-hmm.

And then keep your head down. Okay.

Okay, and then the left arm straight...
Okay.

Cup that left wrist.

There was one time
when I put the leg and --

that was not helpful.

But then I feel like I want -- no?

Mm, I don't want you to do that.

Okay. Not today.

And then what you're gonna do

is keep the right elbow
in front of the body

as you swing up,
and then rotate those hips.

One, two, three!

Ay! Mama!

Well, we're getting our
money's worth out of that ball.

Happy easter!

Happy easter!

Chickie?

The minute I heard that voice,

all the memories came flooding back --

hiding eggs in the backyard,

the girls in their dresses,

Luke in his little blazer,

Phil in his...Bunny suit.

Happy easter!

Hang on! Hang on, chickie!

Mama's coming. Happy easter!

Hang on. I'm coming.

Baby, I didn't mean to throw you away.

Happy easter! Hang on.

I can hear you.

I-I -- oh, I don't hate this blouse.

Happy easter!

This feels very weird.

Well, it looks great.

Now hinge your right arm
into an l-shape,

keep your hands low,

shift all the weight
into the front foot...

What do I do next?

Fire your golf coach!

No offense, red.

None taken, bald.

Here.

Just do what I do.

What, lose all your hair?

I'm sorry.
I guess I was a little offended.

Do you like dancing?

Yes, and I am much better

doing that than doing this.

Well, this is just like dancing.

Forget everything he said.

It's all about the rhythm.
Follow me. Mm-hmm.

Swing back. Follow through.

Uh-huh. Swing back.

Follow through.

Uh-huh. Swing back.

Hey!

I did it!

You're fired, red.

Level her off.

Good job.

You hear that? Flawless.

It makes sense this is second nature.

I've logged a lot of
remote-control hours.

Gus, what would you say is harder,

r/c or the real thing?

The real thing.

Tough call.

What's rattling back there?

Uh, well, I don't --

I don't know what this thing is.

My controls. Roger that.

That tow bar come loose?

Well, I don't know.

Is...

Is this -- is this the tow bar?
Yeah, that's it.

Oh, ooh! Sorry, my bag.
Sorry, sorry. No, no,

that's all right.
I got it. I got it.

Peanut brittle, could
this day get any better?

Get the tow bar off the yoke!

No, it's stuck between the seat!

I can't! Let it go! I got it!

Oh, Gus! Gus!

I hate it when Gloria's right.

_

Gus. Stay with us, Gus.

Oh, my God. Those cheekbones.
You look like J.F.K. Jr.

Oh, he looks like J.F.K. Jr.!

I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, put it on autopilot.

Put it on autopilot!
There is no autopilot.

This is a lawnmower with wings.

You fly remote control planes!

Do what you do there! I crash them!

That's why I buy them all the time!

Oh-ho-ho. Oh-ho-ho. I was wrong.

I don't want to die this way.

I'll settle for a nice,
boring death at ground level.

Well, technically, we will
be dying at ground level!

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Aah!

Okay.

We're good. Great.

Just so you know I completely kept
my cool through that whole thing.

Listen, I know it felt great
to hit a couple of lucky shots.

I hit a whole bucket of lucky shots.

But there's a limit
to how good you can get

without learning the proper techniques.

I was trying to show you, but --

very good, lily. What did you do?

I just told her to forget
everything and feel the music.

Dad, Manny's gonna teach me from now on.

Ay, this is the second time
you got fired today, red.

One, two, three.

Look, everybody learns
in different ways.

My intellectual approach
just wasn't right for Gloria,

and it probably wasn't right for lily.

It -- it's humbling to admit,

but I'm just too smart to teach.

Be strong. I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

You know, a lot of girls
would have tried to look sexy

to show him what he's missing.

Is there more to that?

No, just trying to figure you out.

Okay.

Hello, Sanjay.

Or should we call you "sans-feelings"?

Start over.

You left this at my house.

I was going to just cut it up
in tiny little pieces,

but I thought you should have to

look into the eyes
of the person you hurt.

I hope your new little
girlfriend is worth it.

She wasn't. It was a huge mistake.

I'm not used to girls liking me.

Stanford girls are all type "a".

They're very aggressive.

I'm in way over my head.

And that's supposed to make this okay?

No. Nothing's okay.

I'm miserable.

And I miss you every day.

Yeah, right. Aww.

Seriously? Oh, well, he seems sincere.

I am.

If I could go back in time,

which the laws of physics
don't disallow,

I never would have hurt you.

Well, if you believe in the multi-verse,

there currently exists
a bubble of space-time

where you didn't.

I wish we were there.

Oh, my God.

Is this geek foreplay?

'Cause I don't understand any of this.

If you were so unhappy,
why didn't you contact me?

I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I came to terms with being alone
for the rest of my life.

I'm home for the weekend,

and my parents aren't even here.

You're parents aren't home?
That, I understand.

I'm home!

Hi, daddy.

There they are.

There's my family.

Come here, you little monkey! Ay, no.

How much money did you lose?

I didn't play golf today.

I took a flying lesson.

Hmm? And how was that?

Uneventful.

Why didn't you tell me about it?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, well, then I have
a surprise for you, too.

I took a golf lesson.

You're kidding. Why?

To play with you.

That's not gonna happen.

Darlene started playing with shorty.

She never stops talking.

He had to develop a slice
just to get some alone time.

So what do you want to do?

Fly alone in your little plane? No.

The whole point is to find
something we can do together.

I pictured zipping up to napa for lunch,

sedona for a sunset dinner.

You fall asleep after every meal.

I am not getting on a plane with you.

That's not true.

You eat a grilled cheese sandwich

and you can barely make it to the couch.

Nothing like a grilled cheese nap.

I don't want you flying around
in a little plane, either.

Well, it's kind of my life's dream,

but if you want me to stop,
I'll do it for you.

I had a bad dream last night.

I think that this retirement thing

is making me very scared. Mm.

Join the club.

Just not my country club.

Everything's gonna be okay.

How do you know that?

I don't.

But we both spent the day
trying to do something

we thought would make
the other one happy

and that's a pretty good start.

I guess we just have to find something

that we have in common,

like a project to do together!

Hello? In a minute.
Mommy's thinking.

Where the hell is Clutterworth?

On skid row giving
our memories to hobos.

She threw out all my old vogues.

If I don't know the past,
I'm doomed to re-wear it.

Mom, this time --

Oh, it's just you.

Hey, party people.

Why are you so happy?

Went over to Sanjay's,
got a little closure.

Yeah? Well, some of your
clothes are on inside out.

There you are.
You threw out all my magazines.

Yeah, and if I hadn't been here,

you would have thrown out
Sanjay's hoodie

and then I would have never
gotten the chance to return it,

and then he never would have
declared his undying love for me.

That's right. I'm back.

And you took my lucky stick.

I love that stick.

I was holding it when
I found my favorite rock.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me you didn't
throw out rocky.

You're right.

You're all right.
I'm a terrible mother.

I'm sorry.

What is happening?

Is it after 5:00 already?

Hey, you're back.
Dad, something's wrong.

Mom's apologizing.

No, we checked.

I couldn't save chickie.

And think about all the
others I didn't save --

Malibu Barbie, Pink Bunny pillow,

Stretch Armstrong.

Wait. You threw away
my Stretch Armstrong?

Yes. It's gone. They are all gone.

Years of stress cleaning has eradicated

a lifetime of precious memories.

Well, what if it hasn't?

Are you suggesting an alternate
universe that parallels reality?

I'm suggesting a storage unit
that parallels the freeway.

Oh, my God.

It's all our old stuff.

Ah! My first bike!

My Van Gogh project!
My first phone!

Yes, I'll hold for Lizzie McGuire.

So all of those trips
to the donation bin...

I didn't always make it.

Are you mad? It's amazing.

See? I'm controlling my woman.

Oh, this is totally back in style.

Oh, my God! Twister!

Me, too.

I'm...

Hey...

It's no...

you just take that nutty energy of yours

and put it to good use at the office,

and we'll be waiting for you
when you get home.

You know we already claimed all
this stuff on our taxes, right?

There's my girl. Yeah.

_

It wasn't easy, but I got it!

Chickie!

Oh, honey.
A little sticky, huh?

Happy easter!

Oh! Is that really all it says?

Yeah. I feel like it used to say more.

Happy easter!
Mom, stop squeezing it.

I'm n-- I'm not.
I'm not squeezing it.
Happy easter!

It's really annoying.

I'm not doing anything. Happy easter!

So many good memories, though. Yep.

Yep. Happy easter!

Yeah, I-I really cannot sleep

with that going on all night.

Happy easter!

Rocky? What's that for?

You know what it's for.

Happy easter!

Happy easter!

Happy easter!

Happy eas--