Modern Family (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Playdates - full transcript

The Dunphy kids make a last-minute birthday surprise for Mitchell, and run into Ray Liotta. Jay is uncomfortable with the father of Joe's new play date. Claire asks Phil to not pick up the bill at lunch. Cam helps Lily with a new crush.

I'm starving.

Any chance that's for me?

Oh, no. It is for mom.

I'm planning on making
some bad choices tonight,

and I'm gonna need her on my side.

I never realized the forethought

that went into being a disappointment.

Mm. Hey!

Hey! Hey, Uncle Mitch.
What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

It's Uncle Mitchell's birthday fun day.

We know!

Yeah! Yeah!

We are so excited you are
finally cashing this in.

Me too.

We forgot to get
Uncle Mitchell a present

for his last birthday.

So, we came up with this great idea --

a coupon for a fun day
with the three of us.

It was perfect because it was so sweet

and we'd never have to do it.

I hope you're ready
for your first big surprise!

I am.

It's a super-fun omelet!

Aww! Uh, yeah!

And if you were wondering
what is so super-fun about that,

is that it comes with
a -- a side of, uh...

Luke's omelet dance!

Don't be shy.
You've been practicing all week.

Come on.

Okay. Uh...

# It's your birthday #

# I'm an omelet #

# It's your birthday #

# I'm an omelet, it's your birthday #

This is a living nightmare.

Why would he just show up?
Shouldn't he have given us some notice?

I kind of remember him calling about it,

but I would've put it in my phone --

oh, there it is. Of course.

Oh, my God. I'm supposed
to be cat-sitting.

We have to figure out something good.

He's the first to call us
on our birthdays,

and he always gets us amazing presents.

Are you even listening to me?

How long can a cat go without eating?

Haley, he is the best uncle there is.

This cannot be our present.

# It's your birthday #

# I'm an omelet, it's your birthday #

# I'm an omelet #
I don't know what's
happening, but I love it.

# It's your birthday #
# It's my birthday #

# I'm an omelet #
# You're an omelet #

# Modern Family 7x10 #
Original Air Date on January 6, 2016

If you're going to keep
giggling, I'll do my own nails.

I'm sorry -- it's just funny,
the juxtaposition.

I get it -- I'm Asian. Ha ha ha.

It's racist, Daddy.


Lily, look who it is --
our lovely Canadian guests.

Please come in.
How is everything upstairs?

It's like a palace up there.

I keep expecting to run
into Gordon Pinsent. Ooh.

I'm sorry.

Is he not a big movie star down here?

No. But thank you for Ryan Reynolds.

One little thing -- we're going
to see the handprints

at the Chinese Theater, and I'm worried

it's going to look disrespectful
if Rob wears shorts.

Honey, it's 55 degrees out.
I'm not wearing long pants.

You're fine. It's Hollywood.

There'll be people there with no pants.

Hi, Lily. Lily, say hi to Monte.


I'm...sorry. She's never this shy.

No, we're sorry.
Seems like something scared her.


It was adorable.

Lily was clearly smitten
with that little Canadian Monte.

Just heard that. Delightful.

It was a rite of passage that
I had been looking forward to --

my daughter's first crush.

And I wanted to be there for her

in a way that no one was there for me.

Of course, my first crush
was on a statue

of a Confederate general
in front of a courthouse.

That's the same year they put up

the "Do not climb the statue" signs.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Is this shirt okay?
I got another one in the car.

It's just lunch. Calm down.

Your boyfriend's gonna love it.

Last summer, Phil and I
went to Cabo for five days,

and we met Tom and Lisa Delaney,
and we had so much fun,

we make sure to see them
every time they're in town.

Tom's a hugely successful
investment banker. Yeah.

He does tons of charity work,
he runs a marathon in 3:24,

and he flies his own helicopter.

Yeah, and Lisa...

Yeah, she is one lucky lady.

Before they get here,

can you promise me
you won't pick up the check?


Oh, honey, I like them,

but we've seen them
three times since Cabo.

Every time, they order
the most expensive stuff.

They are the richest people we know --

thank you --

and yet I have not seen him
reach for the check once.

Tom has trouble reaching for stuff.

He hurt his shoulder
pitching in college.

Division 1.

You feel a need
to pick up the check because

you're intimidated by him
and you want to prove something.

That's crazy. I just don't like
it when the bill sits there.

It's awkward.

You can't just roll over on something

'cause it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Whatever you want. Hello, beautiful.

Ohh! Hi, handsome.

Hey, you two.

Hey! Hi!

Hi! Oh, my gosh.

It is so great to see you guys.

And you. Let's get some champagne.

Let's do it. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's it.

If you hate it so much, just tell me.

Fine. Your cologne is horrible.

You smell like
a stripper died in a cabin.

I'm not talking about my cologne.

That's why I hang back and wait
for him to get specific.

My mustache.

I've been growing it for weeks,

and the two of you have been
conspicuously silent.

It's very dashing. What mustache?

Right, Jay. Like I'm supposed to
believe you didn't see it.

You got me.

Check you later, Serpico.


You don't even know who that is.


Where are you going
with your golf clubs?

Take a shot in the dark.
But we have a playdate.

Really? We just had one last night.

Not that I'm saying no --

just quicker turnaround than usual.

A playdate for Joe.

And both parents are coming,
so you have to be here.

You've got to be kidding me.

I mean, it's bad enough
that these kids today

have to make a date
to play with each other.

They can't go in the street
and kick a can

or drool over a friend's
centerfold of Kim Novak.

Say something I understand.

Why do we all have to sit around
and watch our kids play?

Because that's what people do now.

And Joe is very excited about it.

His first real friend.

Gloria... What's the problem?

I like the mom, and everybody says

that you and the dad
have a lot in common.

It's going to be fun.

Come in, everybody.


Gloria, this is my husband, Marty.

Look at you.

Pretty as a pinup.

And where's the lucky husband
I've been hearing about?

Marty, that's Jay.

Oh, good. You are old.

I was scared they were exaggerating.

Um, so...I don't want
to spoil any surprises,

but, uh, if you had to guess,

what -- what would you say
we're doing today?

Yeah, let's just see if you pick
what we have planned.

Let's see. Oh, my God.

Is it that farm in Oxnard

where cam and Lily and I
went strawberry-picking?

We had the most wonderful --


Sorry, but you are just
so great at this game.

But it's not strawberry season,
so it can't be that.

Which is exactly
why we didn't pick that.

Okay, so...guess again.

Wait -- do I smell the ocean?

Are you taking me to that
fabulous Carlton's on the beach?

They have the most --


Well, we're not making any promises,

but that would be a pretty good guess.

If they weren't closed for renovations.

Damn it! Think, Uncle Mitchell.

It's getting a little warm in here.
Do you mind if we crack a window?

Unless I've already
done that with my head.

We -- we need to stop for gas, okay?

Just keep your blindfold on,
Uncle Mitchell.


Fine. This is fine.

Fill 'er up!

Yes, ma'am. Seriously?


We can't just keep driving around.

We need to go somewhere.

Focus, people.
What does Uncle Mitchell like?

I don't know. Gay things, right?
What's the gayest thing you can think of?

He's married to it.

Hey, look.

Everybody loves stars.
We could take him on a tour.

Driving around looking at houses

isn't much of a birthday fun day.

We need more time.

Let's knock him out.

Charlize Theron,
Harrison Ford, Halle Berry...

None of these seem very Uncle Mitchell.

What does Uncle Mitchell like?
Gay things.

Then here's the mother lode.

Barbra Streisand! Perfect!

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
How do we know these maps are real?

You think I built this
whole business on fake maps?

What business?
You got a sign and a lawn chair.

Can we wrap this up? I might
still have a cat to feed.

Phil must have taken
100 pictures of me on the beach

just to get one shot
of the topless women behind me.

There were topless women behind you?


Here you go. I'll just take
this when you're ready.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

So, what do you two have planned
for the rest of today?


But if you need to wind it up, it's --

Nah. We're good.

Yeah, good. Good.

Do you guys, uh, you have
any fun trips planned or...

Well, I was planning
on visiting the restroom,

and if all goes well,
then maybe Spain in April.

Adios, amigo.

Vaya con dios!

You want to keep that hand, amigo?

And France was just beautiful.

I hadn't been there since D-Day.

Took me the same amount of time

to get across that beach, though.

You were in the service?

Yeah, but different war.

Oh, Korea. Me too.

No, next war. Keep going.

Anybody want some cheese? Ah.

Not me. Gums up the old ticker.

Jay knows about that.

No idea. Love the stuff.

Just be careful with the almonds.

You may break the denture.

Uh, it's not a denture. It's an implant.

How many times have we been over this?

You forget stuff, too, huh?

I never forget anything.

When we park at the mall,
we have to take a picture.

Jay, Gloria tells me you have
kids from your first marriage.

So does Marty.

Yeah. My oldest is, uh, 66.

Was. She passed last year.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Well,
that's young. What was it?

Natural causes.

I blame most of it on stress.

So much more pressure
than there was years ago.

Back in our day --

Different day. Not the same day.

Actually more your dead daughter's day.

May she rest in peace.

Mom, we need to talk.

What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be watching the kids.

Wesley is a bad influence on Joe.

He's rude and disrespectful,

and I think you should
nip this friendship in the bud.

He made fun of your mustache, didn't he?

What kind of 4-year-old
knows the word "wispy"?

Manny, look at me.

This close, and I still couldn't see it.

It's just for
a little while longer, okay?


But if they mess with me,
I'm gonna mess with them.

How many times a night
do you have to get up to pee?

I'm up to four or five.

Not me, old-timer. Twice tops.

Once last month,
I even slept through the night.

Now, I'm gonna refresh this

'cause I got nothing to worry about.

I'm literally in a pissing contest

with the son of a bitch.

Why are we eating off the good china?

Because we're having company for lunch.

Who's coming?

Okay, I invited Monte
and his family from upstairs.

What?! Why?!

Because a daddy can tell when
his little girl has a crush.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey, Lily, where are you going?

Look, I want you
to be able to talk to me

about this kind of stuff.

It's completely natural and healthy

to have feelings for someone.

And you know what?
I think he likes you, too.

You just have to draw him out, you know?

Flirt a little. How?

Uh, well, you just
sit down in front of him,

look him straight in the eye,
put a big smile on your face,

and ask him some questions,

like, "So, do you have any hobbies?

Is Canada really as beautiful
as they say it is?

Are you a fan of the bacon?"

Why are you blinking like that?

Well, because I'm sending him signals.

Okay, what else? Oh.

Definitely compliment him on his outfit,

laugh at his jokes.

What if they aren't funny?

Oh, honey, the cute ones rarely are.

God doesn't give with both hands.

Okay, do not have a heart attack,

but when you take off your blindfold,

you will be standing
in front of none other

than the legendary superstar...

Who? ...the one and only...

Who? ...Ms. Barbra Streisand--

Oh, my! ...'s house.

Ah -- oh.

Oh, are you serious?
She actually lives here?

Yeah. Well...

I can't believe it.

Dude, look. Her gate is open.

We should get a picture of you
in her driveway.

How awesome of a birthday
fun day gift would that be?

Okay. You know what? Pepper would die.

He loved "Yentl" so much,
he had a second bar mitzvah.

Oh. Yeah. Okay, let's -- let's do it.

Okay, right in front of the house.

Yeah. This is fantastic.

# Pepper, can you hear me? #

# Pepper, can you see me? #

# Pepper, I am standing
in the driveway #

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Oh, I'm so sorry. We were just --

Oh, my God. You're Ray Liotta.

Wow. He really is a big fan.

He even knows the name
of her gardener. Ah.


"Something Wild"?

"Field of Dreams"?
"Field of Dreams".

Never seen it.
Okay, we're really not that old.

Look, Ray Liotta is a very fine actor,

and we have taken up enough of his time.

Stop saying my full name like you
have to keep telling them who I am.


So, wait -- you live
with Barbra Streisand?

Y-Y-You got the map. Yeah.

She lived here for about
2 months 15 years ago. Oh.

You think the bastards
would update these things

to reflect the current
movie-star owners.

Thank you. Come on, kids. We're
very sorry to have bothered you.

No, no, no. I don't want you
to leave empty-handed.

Come on in for a selfie.
Oh. All right. Um...

Here. O-Okay.

When you see my movies later,

you're gonna realize that
this is a special moment.

Come on. And "cheeeeese"!


See? That's an old actor's
trick for a perfect smile.

Except you and I are smiling.
You guys aren't smiling.

W-What's the matter?

It's not you, Mr. Liotta.

We just really feel like
we let our uncle down.

We were supposed to plan
a special day for his birthday,

and we totally flaked.

We're so sorry.

We tried to figure out
where to take you,

and we know how much
you love Barbra Streisand.

You always give us
the most awesome gifts.

We suck.

Don't say that.

I kind of figured you
didn't have anything

by the second verse
of the omelet dance.

Hey, I've had no training.

But then I saw how hard you
were trying to make me happy,

and I just love hanging
out with you guys.

Plus, I did get to meet Ray Lio--


You're also gonna meet Barbra.

What? No.

I've been meaning
to go by her house anyway.

I've got a bunch of her mail.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, no, no, no. You remind me of --

of someone that I loved
when I was a kid.

I had a funny uncle, too.


This is so nice of you.

Well, I must admit,

I-I have a little bit
of an ulterior motive.

I think Lily has a giant
crush on your little guy.

I kind of wanted to set them up.

I know -- I'm a hopeless romantic.

Oh! That's so cute!

I remember my first crush.
It was at summer camp.

I lived in Toronto,
and he was from Edmonton,

so it was very star-crossed.

Just like our little Romeo and Juliet.

He was the first boy I ever loved.

Billy Macklin.

God. I haven't thought of him in years.

Do you have any hobbies?

Well, I like rock climbing.

I collect Pokemon --

I hear Canada's nice.

Do you like bacon?

Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna --

After that summer,
things got pretty rough.

Dad died, Mom started drinking.

It was a lot to handle.

I love your shirt. Is it new?

Oh, I think this shirt's
older than you are.

Oh! Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, Lily, can I see you
in the bedroom, please?

Older than I am --
oh, Rob, you're killing me!

Okay, we'll be right back.

And enough.

What are you doing out there?

What you told me.

I think it's going pretty good.

I thought your crush was on Monte.

You can't flirt with a grown man.

But you said --
No. It's not appropriate.

Oh, no! I'm never talking
to a boy ever again!

Lily, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If anything,
this is -- this is my fault.

I thought you meant Monte,
and I confused you.

Can I...tell you a little secret?


Well, when I made a move
on my first crush,

it went way worse.

It was New Year's Eve,
and I went to give him a kiss,

and my tongue froze to his cheek.

Why did it freeze?

It was cold, and he
was made out of bronze,

and I don't want to
talk about this anymore.

What are you doing?

Marty said guys our age
can't do 10 sit-ups.

I don't remember saying it,
but it sounds like me.

Jay, may I speak with you for a moment?

All right.

Ah, crap!

Uh, here. L-Let me help you.

Aah! I'm going down!

Aah! Vicky!

What is wrong with you today?

I'm sick of Marty lumping me

into the same age category as him.

"Guys like us", "Back in our day".

I'm a Baby Boomer, for God's sake.

I know all the words to "Light My Fire".

Jay, you have to stop
thinking only about you.

Yeah, I know, I know.
I should think about Joe.

No -- me!

Do you know that Vicky and I

are the oldest moms
in the class -- by a lot?


This might surprise you,

but aging is also a big deal for women.

I need Vicky to be my friend.

I feel out of place
around all those young moms.

And if you don't like her husband,

maybe she'll stop liking me.

Gloria, I'm trying, but it's --

At least you're not the oldest dad.

Can't you enjoy that?

When was the last time

that you were
the young stud in the room?

When I put Mom in that nursing home.

That was quite a rush.

So, are you going to be nice?

Yes. He's not a bad guy.

And really, how much longer

am I gonna have to put up with him?

Ay, no, Jay. Don't say that.

You're going to live a long life.

Not me! Grandpa out there!

Shh! He can hear you.

Hear what?

You were talking
about my mustache again?

No, Manny. We love your mustache.

Oh, hilarious.

Tell me you like it
now that I've shaved it off!

Black mother and white father,
but I've never met him.

Ah. That's a story that
should be out there more --

white fathers who
abandon their families.

What else? What else?

So, this is Walter.

Just as I took over for Jeremy
when his shift ended,

he'll be taking over for me.

Unless you're ready?

I think we're still talking. But thanks.

Walter? Could I ask you a quick
question right over there?

I'll be right back, too.

Hey! I just need a minute alone
with my husband. Thank you.

There is no way
you are paying that bill.

It has been out there forever,

and he hasn't even pretended
to reach for his wallet.

This is torture, Claire.
I'll pay anything to end it.

Stay strong.

I'm weak. You married a weak man!

Give it to me. Give it -- Phil --

No! Walter! Walter!



Okay. Here's the thing.

We like hanging out -- No, Claire! No!

I know what this is about.

Tom, you should have
paid the check. It's rude.

He's not rude. He's wonderful.
I had to pay.


Phil, don't you say another word! Ow!

See? I told you.
What the hell is going on here?

Nothing. Phil?

Fine -- if you have to know

every last detail about my life...

I lost a bet to Tom in Cabo.
Now I owe him five meals.

There -- we're done. That's it.

Why didn't you just say that?

Th-- there's no reason. I don't...

What...was...the bet?

Phil, I mean it --
don't say another word.

They're gonna figure it out, Tom.

How could they figure out, Phil?
They're gonna figure it out.

We were drunk on margaritas,
and we wanted to find out

whose wife would eat the most crickets.

What?! What?!

Doesn't seem like they
were circling that, Phil.

You were just g-grabbing crickets

and sneaking them into our food?

Not live ones. They were roasted.

Oh, my God!

You're disgusting people.

You're missing the
silver lining here, honey.

I lost the bet.

So I didn't eat crickets?

You ate three. Ohh!

Lisa had six. Six?!

You could've won with four!

Baby, baby, I couldn't take that chance.

I'd like to give you two a
little something to think about.

Most of the food you eat
is prepared by us.

Or by our private chef.
But I-I like where you're going.

Next time you take a bite
of a big, juicy burger

or dig into a bowl of spaghetti,

there's gonna be an extra
special ingredient in there,

and it won't be love.


How many did you get this time?
Two crickets.


Okay, this makes more sense.

Barbra would never
leave her gate wide open.

They're broken, okay?

Don't make me regret bringing you here.


Is Barbra home? It's Ray Liotta.

You know, from "Goodfellas".

"Something Wild".
"Field of Dreams".

Oh, I know who he is. What's up, Ray?

Barbra, I have some of your mail

from when you used to live
over at Cedarhurst.

And I have a friend here
that would like --

Just leave the mail by the gate.
I'll send someone down.

O-Okay, but -- Oy. There's more?

Uh, Ms. Streisand, hi. My --
my name is Mitchell Pritchett,

and I have been a fan of yours
since I can't even remember,

and -- oh, your artistry and integrity

has inspired me my whole life,
and I just --

aaaah! I can't even believe
I'm talking to you right now.

Please. I'm just
a regular person, like you.

I have people put on my pants
one leg at a time.

that's so funny.

Barbra, today is his birthday!

Well, technically,
it was three weeks ago.

All right, you're blowing it. Sorry.

You sound very sweet, Mitchell.

I-I was thinking maybe as
a special treat, you could --

I'm not singing into my gate, Ray.

Well, it was very nice to talk to you.

I did have a quick question about --


It's fine.

When I tell the story,

it ends with her singing
"Happy Birthday".


Oh, shoot. It's past 3:00.

What's wrong? You late for dinner? Jay.

Honey, it's okay. If we leave
now, we -- No, no, I missed it.

What did you miss?

It's Fred and Ginger week on TCM.

They're showing "Swing Time",
and I forgot to record it.

Let me tell you about a little
innovation called Netflix.

You'll never miss another movie again.

Really? Hand to God.

You pick a film on your computer.

Three days later, there's
a disk in your mailbox.

You got to stay up
with technology, Marty.

Wow. Thanks.

Can you believe he doesn't
know about streaming?

If I ever get that
out of touch, kill me.