Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Strangers in the Night - full transcript

Look what someone left
in our mailbox -- again.

Wait, that's like
our fifth one, isn't it?

It's getting kind of creepy.

Oh, relax -- it's probably
just from Victor,

that flower-delivery guy I dated.

Who's Victor?
We never heard about him.

Oh, because I knew you'd never
let me go out with an ex-con.

Hey, maybe it's Dylan
trying to win you back.

So, Victor -- it's a closed door?

Maybe it's not a guy who's
in love with Haley.

Oh, thank you.



Maybe it's a guy
who's obsessed with Haley

and is getting plastic
surgery to look like her

so he can replace her
and live her life.

Luke.

So they can only be for Haley?

Of course not. Haley isn't
the only hottie living here.

I washed the car in my cheer
shorts the other day.

I definitely felt eyes on me.

Has it ever occurred to you that
those flowers could be for me?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, like, from my boyfriend.

What?

You have a boyfriend?

And you thought
my thing was crazy.

Alex, you have a boyfriend?



You can't just
drop that and leave.

Honey, it is so exciting.
Why didn't you tell us?

Because I knew
you'd get all weird

and ask a million
stupid questions.

What does he look like?
How did you meet him?

Okay, I'll show you a photo.

Well, I would, but now
my phone's not working.

Oh, here he is.

In the supermarket flyer?

That's him pondering
the pork chops?

What's to ponder?
They're $4.59 a pound.

I don't understand.
Why is he in this?

He's a model, mom.

Oh, wait, wait.
Your boyfriend's a model?

Well, how did you meet him?

There's not much crossover

for a national honor society
student and a pork model.

Well, actually
it's a really long story. I...

Oh, well -- it's him.

Hey, hold on.

This is terrific news.

I can't believe she
didn't tell us about him.

Oh, that's what you can't believe?

What do you mean?

Phil, it is a little weird.

I mean, suddenly
she has this boyfriend.

She wants to show us a picture
on her phone, but she can't,

and magically he's in today's paper?

I don't even want to say it.
Haley.

She's making it up.

Why would she do that?

Maybe she's upset

that none of us thought
those roses could be for her.

Oh, and remember

when she couldn't get
a date for homecoming?

She said she didn't care,

but I caught her
crying in her room.

Oh, honey, what
did you say to her?

Oh, I-I was super late,
so I didn't really...

This is sad.

Alex has great news

and her own mother and
sister don't believe her?

I want to.

Well, I do believe her.

I'm gonna tell her to invite
this boyfriend over for dinner,

and I'll be serving a big,
old platter of "I told you so."

Oh, great.

Maybe you could also serve
unicorn burgers and magic beans,

and I'll invite my boyfriend, Bigfoot!

Still better than Dylan.

Okay. I got a surprise for you.

It better not be another baby.

Is there something fun
behind the couch?

An Edgar Vanderkoff
hand-crafted blanc de blanc sofa.

It was a wedding gift
to ourselves.

Plus, we're showing Lily

that we trust her enough to
let us have one nice thing.

When you think
about it like that,

- it's really a gift for Lily.
- Yeah.

Okay, whoa.

We only get on this couch
when we know we're not dirty.

That's why we got her the couch.

To teach her about respect.

Legs a little wider please.

Is that a cookie
in your back pocket?

- Yep.
- Okay.

Bup-up-up!
Hey, nice and slow.

Watching that.

But now that I got you here,
what do you think?

That you wore cargo shorts
to my middle-school graduation,

but you're putting on a bow tie

for some dog's birthday party.

It's all good fun.
The Birnbaums can't have kids.

They like to do it up
big for Buster.

I had my fifth birthday
in a break room

of a Der Wienerschnitzel,
but good for Buster.

Why are you so cranky?

This kid at school ripped
me off for 40 bucks

in a pyramid scheme.

Did this have something to do

with that broken plastic
pyramid on your dresser?

It looked like marble in the picture.

Oh, man.

Where were you
when I was growing up?

I'd have had your
dice and cigarettes

before you got to homeroom.

Where'd you go to school --
"guys and dolls"?

Bright as you are,
you got to smarten up.

You got to be more
suspicious of people.

Stop being such a patsy.

How is this for the party?

It's my first time meeting
your dog-park friends.

Fantastic, but be careful --

some of these guys
are single in the group.

What a surprise.

Manny, we won't be late.

I left dinner for you and Joe,

but don't eat the deviled eggs
that are in the refrigerator

because they're
for tomorrow's picnic.

What picnic -- somebody's
cat going to college?

No, some of Gloria's friends
are getting their green cards.

It's actually a nice group.

Yes, they're very decent,
hardworking people.

Jay met them at Mirabelle's
fake wedding.

Zooboo!

No, you've already watched
"Zooboo" six times today.

We're gonna watch
a classic movie

right here on the big screen.

You better let him
watch his show.

If not, he's gonna freak out.

Yesterday I turned it off,

and he bit through
one of the pool balls.

Hey, Mitchell.

Hi, uh, um...

B... Renda.

Yes, you thought I wasn't
gonna remember, didn't you?

So, how's your first week been?

I'm getting a divorce.

Oh. God.

Um... well, I did ask, so...

It's really hard to be alone,
you know?

Yeah.

Hey, you know who else
who stays late is, um, Stacey.

- 14 months.
- Oh, gosh.

Well, sometimes it's good to

get in and out fast,
though, huh?

We haven't had sex
in 14 months.

We were married 20 years.

Well, that's a nice,
round number.

Yeah.

My restless leg syndrome,
like that's a reason to leave?

Well, you know,
everybody has --

especially after all
his habits and requests!

God! I've done more paddling
than Lewis and Clark!

Hey, Stace, you out there?

Oh, she's gone. People leave.

Well, you know,
i-if there's anything

that I can do to help you --

Could I stay with you?

What's that?

So, Larry's allowed to sit
on the couch and I'm not?

Well, Larry is white.

Hey, you chose me.

Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.

- Hello?
- Hey, Cam.

So, listen, you remember

my -- my new friend
at work Brenda, right?

Who?

That's right -- the pretty one.

Uh, so, she and her husband are --

are going through
some problems at home,

and she was wondering

if she might be able
to stay at our house.

Oh, my gosh.
Yes, of course.

Oh, shoot and darn it!

I thought we had something.

Mitchell, I know
what you're doing.

Ahh, there's no way
we can reschedule, huh?

Fight your instincts.

This is a chance for you to
show some real compassion.

- I need a Zoloft.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, I agree with all that,

but I -- I am being nice!

Okay? I -- I-I-I talked to her.

I-I asked her if there was
anything I could do to help.

But I -- I didn't mean it.
Nobody ever means it.

Mitchell, you want this
growth in your life.

That's why you asked her.
You're just scared.

No, no, it was a completely
hollow offer and --

yeah, that -- that's right.

Okay, George and Wendy Hollowoffer.

Dinner at 7:30.
Okay, bye-bye.

You need this, and
I need something nice

to write about you
in our Christmas letter.

I love you, too. Goodbye.

So... bad news, huh?

Well, only if you hate home cooking.

- You're the best!
- So --

I think you got
some of my Zoloft.

That's okay. I could use it.

Bark Mitzvah --
what a concept.

Beagles and lox, dog briskets.

Whoever's in charge
of the wordplay, bravo.

Is this for dogs or for people?

I hope it's for people.
I've had four of them.

- Are you having fun?
- Ay, yes.

Before today, I had never
seen a gravy fountain.

Oh, Gumdrop, look!
Stella's here!

Everybody, let's get a picture.

Pupparazzi! How great is that?

Everybody squeeze in.

Be careful of her cysts.
She'll nip you.

O-okay.

Okay, one more.
Doodles blinked.

Now, really get tight this time.

No! No, no, no!

- Enough. Enough.
- Oh, Gloria -- Gloria.

Gloria, honey, I -- listen.

I-I know you're not
a dog person.

No, I'm okay with the dogs.

I'm just not a dog-person person.

You said that this party
was going to be normal.

It's just fun.

There's a buffet and
an open bar for dogs.

My cousin got married on a raft.

I tried to play along, Jay,
but -- but this is crazy.

I have to go home.

Gloria, now,
do you think it's fair

to use the word "crazy" about a --

I-I'll see you at home, Gloria.

Oh, thank you so much, you guys.

God, where were you when I was
looking for the perfect man?

Well, probably in Missouri

at a bar called Kansas City Meats

- doing the same thing.
- Funny!

- Look at that smile.
- What?

That's what being nice feels like.

- I like it.
- I'm proud of you.

Well, I'm just letting a person

I barely know sleep in my home.

I don't know if I'd use
the word "hero," but...

"Hero"?

Stop it.
You're embarrassing me.

Oh, god.

Hey, you guys have a cat?

Um, how about I
freshen up that wine, huh?

- Oh, no. I am good.
- Okay, um...

In fact, Cam, what are --

what are we doing
in the living room, here?

You know?

Yeah, oh, you know what?

We haven't even given Brenda
a tour of our Ga-- uh, garage.

- Our --
- Our garage.

Oh, no. I don't like garages.

That's where Doug kept
his precious sailboat.

No eating on the boat.

No drinking on the boat.

All because the one time
I went on the boat, I spilled.

- Well, guess what. Boats go like this.
- Oh, geez.

You know?! And I'm like...

Who -- who loves a thing
more than a person?

A monster.

Have we shown you our shed?

There's a shed.

He knew what he was getting
into when he married me.

I'm a little messy.

Well, guess what, Doug!

Life's a little messy.

Okay, my sinuses leak,
my -- my ears run,

and I have hyperactive
sweat glands, but...

You know what?
I do need a refill.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not surprised.
She's losing a lot of fluids.

- It's as if Doug was over here.
- I know. I saw that.

Alec!

His dumb dad got transferred
to dumb Africa

to operate
on some dumb babies.

So fixing their hearts
is worth breaking mine?

It's kind of worth it.

He can do like
six operations a day.

Yeah. I-I-I understand.
I'm sorry I'm lashing out.

I-I just really like you.

I still like you.

You're making this worse.

Bye, Alec.

Bye, Alex.

I knew you couldn't leave
without one last kiss!

We can work this out!

I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonna
regret that, aren't I?

Uh, I was hoping you could
throw this away for me.

Yeah. Sure.

So, honey, we've been talking,

and we want to meet
your boyfriend.

You just missed him.

He was here?

He just left. This is his cup.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, it looks like "Alex."

His name is Alec.
The "C" just got smudged.

Honey, his name is Alec.
But the "C" got smudged.

Yeah, um, well,
why don't you just text him

and then invite him
back for dinner?

I can't. He broke up with me.

Oh, no.

He's moving to Africa.

Because they need
grocery models in Africa.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

They broke up.

I miss him.

Oh, don't worry.

Soon it will be like
he never existed.

Okay.

Ay Dios mío, Manny.
What's going on with Joe?

He's a drug addict.

After two hours of
mind-liquefying "Zooboo,"

I briefly put on a classic movie,
and he freaked out.

If he could walk better,

I'd seriously suggest
a 12-step program.

Ay, no, Joe.
No more "Zooboo."

Thank you.

Ay, no. Turn the big TV off.

If he sees it on, he's going
to want to watch his show.

Why are you home?

Buster's party
was a Bark Mitzvah.

I don't know why Jay would
take me to this place.

I don't know.

Maybe this dog stuff is his way

of trying to find a
common interest with you.

It's hard.

You don't like golf or scotch
or Eisenhower documentaries.

It's true. I don't like Ike.

But the people in this party,

they are so obsessed with dogs.

Even the punch bowl was
in the shape of a toilet.

Well, it's not like Jay

doesn't get out of his
comfort zone for you.

He's going to your
green-card picnic tomorrow.

You're right.

He even bought star-spangled
sombreros for everybody.

It's the wrong country.

He never listens,
but -- but he's sweet.

You know what?

I should go back to that party.

You guys want to come?

Might as well.

They had a pretty good
spread at Buster's bris.

Okay, let's get
this woman into bed

and, in the morning, out of
the house as fast as we can.

Honestly, I don't know
how straight guys do it.

Probably without those
hand gestures.

So, nice bath?

Oh, yeah, the best.
I'm so ready for bed.

Okay. Ooh, by the way,
I left a ring in there.

Oh, well, we'll get at it with
some bleach in the morning.

No, no, no, my wedding ring.

I just don't feel like
wearing it anymore.

Oh, well, goodbye,
bad memories,

hello to our guest couch,
the cloud.

That's a small cloud.

Oh, you know what? It's deceptively comfy.

- I sleep on it all the time.
- Oh.

- Yeah, if I don't beat him to it first.
- Really?

Oh, okay. All right.

So, there you are.

Okay. Okay, yeah.

I'm not -- I'm pretty sure
this isn't gonna work.

No, no, this will be fine.
This will be fine.

This is what I always do.
It's not a big deal.

Just make this up nice for you.

There we go. Okay.

See you in the morning.

Yeah, but my -- my head's --

- Oh.
- What we were thinking?

- Here. Come on.
- There it is right there.

- There you go. Okay. Night-night.
- Night-night.

Hey, guys.

Here's an idea.

What if I just slept on your
couch in the living room?

I'm shaking.

Why? Problem solved.

No, she's making
the whole house shake.

Hey, guys. You're back?
What's going on?

I'm sorry. I love you,
and you love dog parties.

So that means that I love dog parties.

You don't think
it's crazy anymore?

I didn't say that.

But Manny's right.

We should get more involved
in each other's activities.

So, this was your idea?

Well, it's sort of the foundation
of any healthy marriage,

but I did bring it up.

This is great!

Well, come on. Give me a hand.

We'll grab you and your
mom an ice-cream bone.

I didn't do much. I just --

Ruined my plan, that's all.

I wanted her to leave!

What?

She was supposed
to storm out of here.

And after,
I go home and say,

"maybe we should do
some things separately."

I was gonna use
her bailing out of this

as a chip to get out of that
stupid picnic tomorrow.

But now I've got no chip.

Hey, how about next time
you devise a plan

to avoid expressing
a feeling, clue me in.

You can't be clued in.
You're a patsy.

Hey, um, there was talk
of an ice-cream bone?

I made that up, too.
Use your head!

Hey, honey, you alone?

Do you see anyone else in here?

Do you?

Sweetheart, your father and I
think we owe you an apology.

For what?

Well, this morning
when we didn't think

the rose could be for you,

it seemed like maybe
it hurt your feelings.

I guess. A little.

I am so sorry
to make you feel bad.

And it is completely believable

that you would have an admirer.

Okay.

What we're worried about

is that we have created
an environment

in which you feel
it's necessary to...

- Embelli--
- Fanta--

- Exagger--
- Oh, my god.

You guys don't think
Alec is real?

Sweetheart, I remember
the pressure there was

to fit in in high school.

So do I. And whether
you try to fit in

by saying you fought
a baby bear

or by making up a boyfriend...

You guys are so unbelievable.

You really think
I'm that pathetic

that I'd have to create
some imaginary boyfriend?

You know what's not imaginary?

Your feelings.

Okay, don't! don't!

F.Y.I., I changed my
Facebook status to "single"

about an hour ago,
and guess what.

I already have a date.

You don't believe me, do you?

Sweetheart, you've had two
boyfriends in 30 seconds.

That practically Haley's record.

Well, he's real.
His name is Teddy.

His name is... Teddy?

Yeah.

Teddy Keyes.

And what do we know
about this young man?

He's new to our school.

He works at some mattress
store -- Mattress King.

And he's a bit of a bad boy.

He had a little problem
with shoplifting.

He spent some time in juvie.

But, you know,
he's not really my type.

He's just a rebound.

So I guess it doesn't
really matter.

Why am I even
talking to you guys?

Leave!

Get out!

Did you see the look in her eyes?

Like she believed
everything she was saying.

That's terrifying. Like
this guy I knew in college.

He was always telling me
about these "crazy parties"

that were "full of women."

But when I'd ask him
where they were,

he'd give me a fake address.

Makes me wonder what
else she's making up.

I have never met that
girl she tutors in math.

Esther Choi? Me neither.

Because she doesn't exist!

There is not an
Esther Choi on earth

who needs math tutoring.

She needs help, Claire.

What do we do?

I mean, should we send her
back to that therapist?

The one we've never met?

No! Wait!

Don't open it! Move away!

It's for me! Move!

Damn. You look hot.

The roses are from you, Teddy?

Yeah, I met a guy in juvie
who works at the cemetery.

They got flowers
all over the place.

Oh, I also got you this.

Sweet. Let's go.

My other one of these cracked,

so you can use this one.

Okay.

Yes! Our little girl isn't crazy!

Teddy's real!

- Real freaky!
- I'm going!

Cam, you're snoring.

What? Sorry.

Was that me?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

What is she doing out here?

- Well she has that restless leg.
- Both of them?

Oh, my gosh,
get the ice cream!

What do we do?
Should we wake her up?

And say what?

"Would you mind terribly
getting off our couch?

You seem to be glazing it."

Do you have a better idea?

Okay, okay,
go around the back.

What am I doing?
What am I doing?

We'll get this underneath her.

Once, I helped a sow give
birth to nine baby piglets

on our living room floor.

Didn't get a drop of
nothin' on the linoleum.

We're gonna get back to why
the sow was in the living room.

Lady Di's wedding.
It was beautiful.

Cam, she's gonna wake up.

Oh, please, she's got
enough pills in her,

she's gonna rattle
like a maraca.

Roll!

Doug, no, I don't wanna.

Okay, okay, what do I do?
What do I do?

You come back around this way.

No, Doug.

Now, what we're gonna do
is I'll push her this way

and pull the blanket.

- Okay, I got to pull her?
- Okay.

I'm losing her. I'm losing her.

This could work, too.
It's fine.

What -- what happened?

You were having
a really bad dream,

and then you rolled right off
of our uncomfortable sofa.

I'm sorry. I-I was lonely.

I came out here,

and then I wound up
waking up the whole house.

I'm the worst houseguest
in the world!

- Don't.
- Don't.

Doug was right.
I'm gonna die alone.

- Don't.
- Don't.

Okay, come on.

Can you please be quiet?

I'm so sorry, Lily.
It's all my fault.

My head hurts.

- I'm gonna get you some aspirin.
- Okay.

Cam, are we terrible people?

For protecting a Vanderkoff?

He hanged himself last year.

It's not like they're
making more of those.

We just rolled a bipolar divorcee
face-first onto a hardwood floor.

All to protect a couch.

It's not just a couch.
Our one nice thing.

The last seven years have
been about sticky countertops

and horsy shower curtains
and childproof locks.

Do you know what's in this drawer?

- I don't know what's in this drawer.
- I have no idea.

Look, I know
it's frustrating, all right?

But is that really a reason
to choose a thing over a person?

I mean, come on.
We're no better than Doug.

I guess it's not a great
example to set for Lily.

Maybe we don't
deserve one nice thing.

"And when the sun came out,
all the turtles,

from Abner to Zeke,
had fun at the picnic."

"A rainy day for turtles."

It always makes Lily feel better.

I guess she just thought that...

We do have one nice thing.

"And a beautiful rain--"

Well, we don't have to watch it die.
Come on.

Let's go, Jay!

We're supposed to be
at the picnic in 20 minutes!

They've been living
in a van for six years.

They can wait a little longer.

So, today, instead
of watching the game,

I'll be playing lawn darts
with Colombians,

thanks to you
not using your brain.

Here we go -- "The Sting."

Well, someone's getting
what they want today.

You finally get to watch
your precious movie, huh?

"A classic tale about a long con."

Well, you're welcome.

Wait a minute.

"Rogues and double-crossers abound.

Who will outsmart whom?"

Son of a bitch.

You knew I was using
the Bark Mitzvah

as a bargaining chip.

That's why you talked
Gloria into coming back --

so I couldn't weasel my way
out of this stupid picnic

and you'd get the big TV.

Well, I'm onto you now.

I was just reading off
the DVD box.

I mean, can you believe

all the stuff Brenda
brought for one night?

I know. Look at all
this stuff over here.

Super replenishing balm?

Uh, pore-reducing booster serum?

Anti-aging buffing beads?

It must be so hard to be a girl.

I know. I know.

It really makes you
worry about the world

we're sending Lily out into.

Well, there's so much pressure
on girls to be perfect.

- You ready?
- Yep.

The thing is, Cam,

all we can do is instill
our beliefs in her

and hope that she
makes good choices.

Calming mister?

It does feel nice
to talk about it.

No, this is a calming mister.

- I just bought this.
- Oh, god, yes.

Let's try it.