Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Three Turkeys - full transcript

You put the giblets in a pan?

- Yes, chef.
- Thanks, a boy named Sous... chef.

[ Laughs ] I don't get it,
but I trust you.

Nigella: All right, Philip,
tuck the wing tips

under the body of the bird
and place in a roasting pan.

As you wish, my crumpet.

I am cooking
Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Huge step for Claire
to trust me with this.

But I have help --
this new app.

It's, uh, international
super chef Nigella Lawson.

I can even program my name,
so it's like she's right here



guiding my every move
with that sultry British voice.

I listened
to her meringue instructions

in the car last week.

There was so much whipping
and beating I had to pull over.

- How's it going in here?
- Great.

You just take advantage
of your first Thanksgiving

not sweating over a hot stove
and having to sit down to dinner

all gross and grumpy
and exhausted.

Yeah, this year, you can
finally be in a good mood.

Well, I was
until this little riff.

Mom and Jay sent a Thanksgiving
greeting from Mexico.

I didn't even know Mexico
had Thanksgiving.

I know.
I said the same thing.

God, we're really gonna
miss Alex.



I still don't get why
you passed up a free trip.

Because they're meeting
23 Colombians

who call my mom
"la tranquila" -- the quiet one.

Gloria:
[ Loudly ] ¡Hola, familia!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy birthday tomorrow, Luke!

Yeah, Luke,
we didn't forget about you.

We got you a great present
here in Mexico.

See you when we get back.

Bye! Bye-bye!

See you soon!

And cut.

Well, I think we sold that.

The Colombians'
trip got canceled

because a mudslide took out
the runway at the local airport.

That thing's made of dirt.

Are we sure it didn't just rain?

So we never left,
and we could have gone

to Phil and Claire's, but...

We decided
to enjoy our own quiet,

stress-free holiday dinner
at home with no one the wiser.

We're having
a little steak-cation,

only with turkey
instead of the steak.

[ Laughs ]
Stay-cation.

- What did I say?
- "Steak-cation."

It's stay-cation.

Oh, so, this is how
you want to start

the quiet, stress-free dinner,
with an English lesson?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

They call her "la tranquila."

We really need to remember
to return this backpack to Lily.

Oh, and, honey, don't forget
Mitchell hates raisins.

So when you're making the stuffing --

I know how hard it is for you
to hand over the reins,

but you have got to trust me.

I do trust you. It's just easy
to forget the little things.

I'm not going to forget anything.

[ Laughing ] Now go.

You two need to run
to the grocery store.

I forgot green beans, yams,
and cranberry sauce.

Alex:
What's in the crib?

What crib?
You're a crib.

Shouldn't you be studying?

Well, I'm done with my midterms.

I finished my college essay.

And I was just about
to go on a bike ride.

- Mm.
- Why are you acting so guilty?

You're guilty.

How did I ever get
to be a champion debater?

[ Sighs ]

It is a backup turkey.

I bought it in case
your father's doesn't work out,

which I hope it does.

But if it doesn't, this could
save him a lot of embarrassment.

Please don't tell him.

He would die if he thought
I didn't trust him.

Interesting.

I mean, I'm going off
to college soon.

All of a sudden, you're keeping
something warm in my old crib.

Here you go, sweetie.
You'll like this better.

Oh, my gosh.
You got to be kidding me.

- Not this again.
- What?

She said her eggs were watery,

so I made her a waffle.

Please don't make a thing
out of it.

I've seen you send food back.

Remember that time in Miami?

Okay, first of all,
this isn't a restaurant.

Secondly, my bisque
had a tooth in it.

- It was a shell.
- There was a filling in it.

Ugh, I don't feel like waffles.

Can you make me cereal?

- Sure.
- Absolutely not.

Absolutely not, Lily.

You are gonna finish
that waffle,

or you're not gonna have
breakfast.

Can I at least eat it
in front of the TV?

- Yes.
- No.

Thanks, daddy.

Mean daddy.

Okay, okay.

You give in to her every whim,
and I'm mean daddy.

- That's not true.
- Isn't it?

What's this?

Hmm?
This is how she sees us.

I'm a screaming demon,

and you're just a-smilin'
and a-bakin'.

And, incidentally,

do we really think this is
refrigerator-worthy?

She put it up yesterday after
you made her clean her room.

And after you made her brownies.

She is gonna turn
into a willful, fat little girl

unless you start
getting tough with her,

because right now
you're her pal,

and I'm just the
pitchfork-wielding she-devil.

[ Laughs ]

It lined up, didn't it?

Yeah, we really got lucky
with you holding that fork.

Long story short,

if you pour it,
it's cranberry sauce.

But I'm sorry, if you slice it,
it's cranberry jelly.

I'm literally driving
as fast as this car can go.

Is that a sock in your sleeve?

I didn't laundry at
your house this morning

and you have no dryer sheets.

I like staying with you,
but it's basically camping.

[ Tires screech ] Ohh!

- Uh, hey!
- Oh! I'm -- I'm so sorry!

I didn't feel anything.

I mean, of -- of course
I felt something,

and you do have them --
I mean --

- Why didn't you honk?!
- Wouldn't that have just made it worse?

Oh.

Nigella: Now, Philip,

rub the breasts and thighs
with olive oil.

I'm a little new at this,
but okay.

Before stuffing the bird,

you may want
to remove your jewelry.

You mean take off
my wedding ring?

You bad, bad girl.

Who are you talking to?

I was -- nothing.
Who?

I'm not gonna throw away
20 years of --

- Is the salad burning?
- Manny: Here's everything,

including your cranberry
so-called sauce.

- That was fast.
- I was driving 70 miles an hour.

Now, Philip,
cover the breast and legs

with a buttered cheesecloth.

- That thing's a little creepy.
- You're a little creepy.

I don't love being the person

who hides in her garage
with her secret crib turkey,

but it's not always fun
being the backstop.

You're telling me.

Until you get home
from work every day,

my main job
is keeping Luke alive.

I actually caught him
on the treadmill with scissors.

Do you ever feel jealous of them?

- You do, too?
- Oh, yeah, all the time.

Please, while you and I
are busy being responsible,

thing one and thing two
are off having so much fun.

Ple--
"Billion-dollar ideas"?

Ooh,

the real
head scratcher "T.M."

Now, that --
that is a classic.

[ Switch clicks ]
[ Motor humming ]

Ahh.
Huh? Uh-huh.

Hmm. Look at this.

Isn't that the old T-shirt cannon

that dad modified for Luke
to take on his paper route?

Yeah, it's a fun idea, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

You know, there's no reason
you and I can't relax a little

and have as much fun as they do.

I'm in.

- Let's be more like those idiots.
- Yeah.

Con-garage-ulations.

Nailed it.
[ Laughs ]

What's going on in here?

Um, n-nothing.
Nothing.

We -- it's not what
it looks like.

- Really?
- No, no.

'Cause what it looks like

is me taking over
the cooking duties

has allowed my girls here

to let down their hair
and have fun for a change.

[ Laughs ]

Looks like you even dug out
the old news-zooka.

Oh!
[ Electricity crackles ]

Oh, no!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my god! Again?!

I-it was an accident!

Once is an accident, perv.

- Honey, come on. It's time to go.
- I'm ready.

Oh, no, sweetie, we bought you

that pretty,
new Thanksgiving dress.

But I want to wear this.

She wants to wear that, Cameron.

Thoughts?

[ Clears throat ]

Well, Lily,
uh, we're all dressed up.

You don't want to be
disrespectful, do you?

I should be able to wear
what I want.

Okay, well, sweetie, listen,

I'm afraid we can't leave
until you put that dress on.

[ Groans ] Okay.

You see?

As much as you want me to yell,
I have a more effective method.

When you say to a child,

"I will treat you
with dignity and respect,"

that child will, in turn,
say to you --

I left the tag on.
This is going back Monday.

Oh, and right in the middle
of getting up

on such a high, high horse.

- Okay, Lily.
- You said put it on.

Well, it's on.
Let's go.

We cannot let her
run the show like this.

- Okay, trust me, I have another plan.
- Really?

Because right now, our child's walking
around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Mitchell, I will make it clear
that she is not the boss.

[ Horn honks ]

Okay, well, no, no,
we can't go out now.

[ Horn honking ]

Okay, where did she learn
that annoying habit?

Claire's been picking her up
from meditation Mondays.

[ Sighs ] [ Horn honks ]

The little bird's
coming along nicely.

Hey, this could be our new
Thanksgiving tradition.

What, hiding
from our own family?

Hey, if the Indians hid
a little bit more,

they might
still have this country.

No, just taking a break
from each other.

God knows
I couldn't love them more,

but the Kennedys didn't get
together as much as this family.

- So you don't feel guilty?
- For what?

Not sharing this
30-year-old scotch with Phil?

He mixes it with 7up, Gloria.

It's a hate crime.

Manny: Let's hope the power
isn't out here, too.

Mitchell: It looks fine.
The porch light's on.

Phil:
Turkey coming through!

They moved the damn dinner here.

Thank you for cracking the code.

Pop the turkey in the oven, Luke.

Lost a little cooking time,
but if we crank it to 550,

dinner should be on the table
as scheduled.

Yes, chef.

So, how's it going in here?

Minor little speed bump,
but we're back on track.

You just relax.

Honey, I trust you completely.

You've got your
sweaty little helper,

and mama has hers.

- Oh.
- Thanks.

So, how long
until you sneak home

- and get the backup turkey?
- Have a little faith.

You're really trusting dad
to do this?

In me.

It's in Lily's backpack
in the trunk of the car.

Oh.

This is crazy.

Let's just go downstairs
and tell them that we're here.

Are you kidding?

We sent them a video
from Mexico.

We lied to their faces.

You think we can
just go downstairs

and throw money at this
and make it go away?

I'm asking you.
Do you think that would work?

I left my purse down there,
and Manny knows

that I would never leave town
without it.

My wallet and keys
are on the bar.

And the cigar
I was just smoking.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Claire: Come on, everybody!
Outside for picture time!

I knew in my heart
you couldn't be right.

[ Door opens ]

Phil:
I'm gonna grab a scotch.

Anyone know where Jay
keeps the 7up?

Okay.

Phil, stay calm.

Yes, the trip over here
killed the casserole.

The biscuits are hard.

The gravy has a skin on it
like a sharecropper's neck.

Nigella: Are your onions
in hot water, Philip?

Yes, I would say they are!

Chef, she's just trying to help.

You're right.
It's not over.

We can still put
a very nice meal...

I left the centerpiece
in the trunk.

It's gonna get all wilted.

Hey. Where you going?

- Everything okay in there?
- Peachy.

I left the centerpiece
in the trunk.

- Where are you going?
- I was gonna go get some ice.

Well, that's okay.
I can go get it for you.

Great.
I can get your centerpiece.

I'll leave your ice
right there on that table.

Which is where I will leave
your centerpiece.

Okay, then.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi.

So, I want to apologize
for flipping out before.

Of course you're not a perv.

- Come here.
- No, it's okay.

- No, I couldn't.
- Come here.

- It's okay.
- Mm.

What is that?

- Oh, nothing.
- No.

For a second, it looked like...

[ Gasps ]

- Ta-da?
- Oh, my god!

- You have my underwear?!
- No.

Okay, well, yes, but it's not
what you're thinking.

Uh, they were in my pants.

[ Gasps ]
What is wrong with you?!

I know you have a crush on me,
but this is, like, deep freak!

No, I used to have a crush
on you, but not anymore.

This is all just bad luck.
Just take your panties and go.

Alex: Ah.

Re-creating the quaint part
of the pilgrim story

where they trade underwear
for corn?

Oh, my god.

- This is not that terrible.
- True.

We have drinks.

Joe's playing with his "H."

Everybody's happy.

Sí.

Mitchell: And why are we going
into my dad's bedroom?

- You've got to be kidding me.
- Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!

Lily thinks she can wear
whatever she wants,

- so what if we --
- No, no, I am not putting on

one of my dad's
hideous leisure suits.

That is not the plan.
Relax.

Do you remember last year
when we picked her up

from that family dinner
at Claire's?

We were dressed
as Cagney and Lacey

for Pepper's '80s ladies party,
and she flipped out.

You're not putting on
one of Gloria's dresses.

If you would
simply just let me finish,

- that is not the plan.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

We're both putting on dresses.

No, I am not doing this.

Mitchell, it won't have
any impact if I do it by myself.

I promise if it doesn't work,
we'll do it your way.

You know,
the only part of this I like

is getting to see this closet.

Mitchell, focus on the goal.

You know she only dresses
the way she does

to get attention.

Maybe it was cute
a few years ago,

but she's just getting
too old for this.

You know what she needs is
a good spank on the bottom.

No, that's your father's way.

You told them about that?

I'm telling you,
if I had this closet,

I never would have come out.

Mitchell: Well,
you can come back later.

Let's just get this over with.

[ Door closes ]

If those mean girls
have something to say to me,

they should say it to my face.

One problem at a time.

You heard them.
They're coming back.

- We've got to get out of here.
- And go where?

We'll sneak down
the back stairs.

We'll run around
to the front porch

and pretend we cut our trip
short to be with everybody.

Now, you grab your coat,
get the diaper bag.

I'll grab a couple of suitcases,
and I'll meet you there.

Cameron: Hey, sweetie,
what are you reading?

What are you wearing?

Well, I think
it's Dolce & Gabbana.

She asked "what," not "who."
Do you see Red Carpet?

Oh, well,
we're just wearing dresses

over our boy clothes, like you.

Oh, no, I forgot.

Us wearing dresses upsets you,
doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

Oh, I don't want
to make her uncomfortable,

but we should be able
to wear whatever we want.

Ohh, what to do, what to do?

I just can't believe I slipped
into one of Gloria's dresses.

Relax.
It's a maternity poncho.

Okay, we tell them
we took the noon flight out,

and, uh --
where's Joe?

I thought you were bringing him!

I'm lugging two suitcases.

Empty suitcases!

How are we gonna walk
in there without...?

The little turkey!

I don't like you
calling him that.

No, no, the little turkey
I was cooking for us.

It's still in the oven.

[ Gasps ] Okay.

I'll say I have to put
Joe down for a nap,

and you get rid of the turkey.

I'm just saying you get very mad

because I forgot Joe,
but when it comes to turkey --

I don't think
we have time for this.

No, if it really bothers Lily,
then we should change, Cam,

and then maybe Lily
will also consider --

Gloria:
Hola, family!

We came back early
because we miss you.

We saw the cars.

What, did you move
the party here?

- Claire: Yes! Hello!
- Yeah.

So, hey, d-dad, listen,

the reason that we're wearing
these dresses --

Do what you got to do.

I got to get
this little guy up to bed

because that plane ride
really knocked him out.

[ Clangs ] Oh, my god!

He's fine.
See? Not crying.

That's not necessarily
a good thing.

And I'm gonna take
the luggage to the laundry

because Mexico is very dirty.

Dad and Gloria seem really okay
with us wearing dresses.

Yeah, like we do it every day?

Well, if it's okay with grandpa,
it's okay with me.

[ Sighs ]

Phil:
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Pan clatters ]

The cranberry sauce is okay,

and the gravy
is out of the woods.

And, thanks to you,

those baby carrots
are gonna pull through.

Well, they're fighters.

Nigella: And now, Phillip,
for the last time,

lightly brush the thighs.

I'm gonna miss
this Randy little redcoat.

But it's time
to cross the finish line.

- No!
- What?!

Cranking up the heat must have
dried it up and shrunk it!

It's tiny!

How am I supposed
to feed eleven people

with this pigeon!?

Hey dad.
How is it coming?

Great!

Just some last-minute touches,
and we're good to go.

Great.

Panic in Turkey Town.

The back-up turkey
is in Lily's book bag.

Bring it to me.
I'll do the rest.

I've never felt so alive.

Hey. So, uh, I wanna
try to apologize again.

It's okay.
It was all my fault.

No. No, it was an accident.
We're good.

Thanks.

And, just to wrap
things up once and for all,

some things were said

in the heat of the moment

that weren't really meant.

I know you don't think
I'm a perv.

Yes, that.
That.

And -- and also,
that thing about

you not having a crush
on me anymore.

- I-I promise I don't.
- Oh, Manny, come on.

We're really trying
to wrap things up.

I swear. I barely even
look at you anymore.

Well, when did that happen?

Was it when I lightened my hair?

It washes me out, right?
Do other people feel this way?

Haley,

you are a beautiful woman
who will break many hearts

before you're done,
mine among them.

Aw.

[ Smooches ] Oh.

- Uh, you meant "hug," didn't you?
- Yup. Mm-hmm.

Hmm. I'm -- I'm sorry.

We need a smaller platter
or something

that makes this
look normal-sized!

How do you feel about a coaster?

Fill it in with
this sandwich turkey.

It's past its sell-by date,

but I always think that's more
of a suggestion, anyway.

I'm gonna get them
all loaded up on bread.

Nigella: And now, Philip,

what to do
with all the leftovers.

What happened
to the sweet girl I downloaded?

So, did you have it out
with our daughter?

Well, you know, it's a holiday, and I --
[ Scoffs ]

Fine!
I will handle this.

I will be the permanent bad guy
in this family

'cause you're so afraid
of our daughter not liking you.

Ju-- but just so you know,
I had one parent growing up

who wanted to be my friend

and another one
who didn't care about that.

Guess which one
is still in my life.

Delicious homemade bread?

That looks like
just regular white bread.

You two seem drunk.
This will soak up the booze.

Am I...?

Oh, Alex. Wait.

Lily.

Alex brought your backpack
in for you.

So why don't you go ahead
and take it out to our car?

Maybe later.

No, Lily!

Um, it's okay.
I will take it now.

Alex, put the backpack down!

Mom!

Lily, you are not in charge
of what you wear,

of breakfast, or anything.

Now, put that backpack on
and march it out to the car!

[ Grunts ] It's too heavy.

Well, that's tough

because I'm not carrying it
for you anymore!

I like this new guy, huh?

Oh!

See? I told you
it was too heavy.

My gosh, what in the world
is in this?!

No!

Claire, why is there
a fully cooked turkey

in the backpack
we left at your house?

Yes, Claire, why is there?

Could it be you made a backup

because you never trusted me
with the dinner at all?

Well, I thought there was
a chance that --

What, that I'd screw
everything up?

You know what?
I have half a mind

to pack up the beautiful meal
I made --

Dinner is served!

I-I-I don't --
I don't understand.

Does everybody get one?

I was just going
to sub in my turkey

if you got in trouble,
which, I mean...

Well, now you touched it,

so you, Alex, and Haley
will share that one.

- Dark meat for your dark,
untrusting soul. - Phil!

You know, this was
a brand-new backpack,

and now it's got
turkey juice all up in it!

Okay, back it up, old yeller.

Okay, could we just stop?

This is Thanksgiving,
for god's sake.

And not to mention that tomorrow
is Luke's birthday.

Hey, this is the suitcase
with my present, right?

You had it in the video.

No!

What the hell?!

Congratulations, Luke!

You're finally a man!

In my country, when you turn 16,
you get your turkey.

Wait, you made the video

before you decided
to come back early.

Were you gonna keep the turkey
in there for four days?

It's a tradition.

How did you get that
thing through customs?

It is called customs.

They... respect customs.

Wait a minute.

I know this bird.

I've been oiling
these breasts all day.

This is my turkey!

Done to perfection!

Eat it, Claire!

Wait, so, how did dad's turkey
get in their suitcase?

And where did that
small turkey come from?

And how did you know
to come here?

Dinner was supposed
to be at Claire's.

All right, all right.

It's like "The Caine mutiny" in here!

Our vacation got canceled
at the last minute.

We decided not to say anything
because we wanted a break.

A br--
a break from what?!

From Thanksgiving craziness.

From -- from stress,
from yelling,

from these two
parading around in dresses.

- That was a one-time thing.
- Okay, we don't wear dresses at home.

Now, look,
I get that Thanksgiving

is a big day for families
who never see each other,

but this group
is together non-stop.

Look, why don't you

take the suitcase turkey
home with you?

You take the backpack turkey.

We'll order a pizza,
and we'll all call it a night.

- Fine. - Okay, fine.
- That sounds great. All right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I know I seem like
the last person to say this,

but we can't just skip
Thanksgiving!

Time is going by so fast.

It seemed like only yesterday
that Manny was hot for me,

and he's not anymore.

And someday,
Alex may have a boyfriend

who wants her to spend it
with his family.

Okay, we probably got
a little window there.

But my point is
that I love my crazy family,

and I want to spend
this holiday with them.

- Ay.
- Ohh.

If you want a break,
we can skip Christmas.

- Fine. Settled.
- Okay. Sí.

- Skip Christmas.
- Mitchell: Okay, cool. We're good.

I already had plans
to spend Christmas

in Cabo with my friends.

I've got to get out of here.

Why did we eat
all three turkeys?

I hope that Thanksgiving's
on a Friday next year,

so that I can sleep
through the entire weekend.

Mom, can you take this one?
I'm exhausted.

Wow, you really must be.

Phil, give it up.

Honey, you can dance all you want,

but you're not fooling anyone.

Continue to whip, vigorously, Phillip

until your meringue stiffens.

- That's hilarious, I don't--
- Are the cheeks turning nice and pink?

What's the problem?

Now plunge into cold water.

I was just about
to suggest the same thing.

© 20th Century Fox Television, 2014