Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - Halloween 3: AwesomeLand - full transcript
Phil takes over Halloween decorating duties from Claire. Jay is upset when he wants to dress up as Prince Charming but Gloria buys him a Shrek costume. Mitchell has a problem in court with the stenographer working in a scary costume.
Look -- in the hallway!
It's a bird! It's a plane!
It's super-out-of-breath.
Happy Halloween to you, too.
I'm sorry. I'm just --
I'm really nervous about
this closing argument today.
Is it because you've lost
three cases in a row?
Whispering it doesn't
make it any less painful.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
No, it's just that this case --
it's so hard to hold
the jury's attention.
Well, do you want to run
your argument by me?
- Could I?
- Sure.
Um, okay.
Six years ago, Alger Equities
took investments
from municipal pension funds
and private investors
and funneled all of that
into offshore --
And I've already lost you.
No. I was just thinking --
because it's Halloween,
what if you wore these
in the courtroom?
Show the jury
"hey, I'm playful."
Cam, I'm an attorney,
not Bugs Bunny trying
to hide on a train.
I'm ready.
There's Waldo!
I think I'm gonna win
the costume contest.
Hey, now, honey,
it's not important if you win.
It's just for fun.
Picture.
But it's more fun if you win.
No offense, daddy.
You know, Lily's been
letting me know recently
that she's feeling neglected.
I think it's because
of all my football stuff.
That's why I went
all out on her costume.
Look how incredibly
accurate it is.
Where is that little guy?
Come on. Come to me.
Come on.
Here you -- here you go.
No matter how long
he stares at it,
Cam cannot find Waldo.
It's crazy.
O-once, he pointed
to a barber pole,
and we just gave it to him.
Where is the little guy?
He's right there.
How do you find it so...
Let's try these.
Okay.
Boys, what do you think
about my costume for tonight?
You look dynamite, honey.
Ay, thank you.
I am princess Fiona.
So does that make me a prince?
Do I have to keep track
of a crown all night?
No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
You mean that big green thing?
Nah, I don't want
to walk around all night
with an ugly rubber mask.
No. You just need
to paint your face green,
and that's it.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, ouch.
You do this every time.
You go as a princess.
I have to go as some freak.
You're beauty, I'm the beast.
You're Beyonce?
I'm... that guy.
Well, you never want to go
shopping with me for costumes,
so I get what I want,
and you are what comes with it.
Well, this year,
I'm getting my own costume,
and it's gonna be
tough and manly --
maybe a cowboy
or a construction worker.
You know that
that's what Mitch and Cam
wore last year, right?
Damn it! I cut my finger!
Ha, ha, happy Halloween.
No, really -- I cut myself. Look!
That looks great.
What'd you use
to make the blood?
A knife. I'm actually hurt.
Great production value,
sweetheart.
I'm impressed.
Can't believe I've got to go
to work on Halloween.
This blows!
Don't worry.
By the time you get home,
Awesomeland will be
up and running.
Claire's busy with work this year,
so I'm taking over
the Halloween duties.
My theme is Awesomeland.
Which includes anything
Phil finds awesome.
It's a pretty big umbrella.
Big, pretty umbrellas --
those are awesome.
Claire loves blood
and guts and gore,
but who says Halloween
has to be scary?
Everybody but you.
This is killing her.
At least something's dying.
Court is now in session.
Counselor, are you ready
to deliver closing arguments?
Yes, your honor.
Well, let's get --
Wait. Where is Holly?
Sorry, your honor.
My bus was late.
Counselor, proceed.
O-okay.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the details of this case are --
are complicated and technical,
but they have a, uh, a tragic
and profound effect on the victims.
Uh, the, um...
Pensions were squandered,
lives were destroyed,
and careers, once so promising,
were now... ruined.
So, because of this marriage,
you're basically
third cousins with Shakira.
I mean, we don't get
the free tickets,
but it's fun.
Ay, dios mio. What is this?
What's up, princess?
I'm Prince Charming.
I can see that.
I got Joe a donkey costume,
and I got Stella cat ears.
I just hope she
doesn't chase herself.
Ah, I get it --
because she's a dog.
I also found out
that princess Fiona
is supposed to wear a tiara,
so here you go.
They had a whole bucket full of 'em.
I love it.
Ay, and you look so handsome.
It's like those pictures
of you in the Navy.
I have an idea.
Why don't we put
Joe down for a nap
and then we go and take a nap,
but not the one we sleep --
I got it. I'm in.
Okay.
Hey. I thought you had a big meeting.
I do, but I left my cellphone here.
I need it to read at stoplights
so I don't think about stuff.
I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
Ohhh.
Honey, I don't think that fits.
It fits in Awesomeland.
It's a magic hat.
I'm gonna have this
bunny jumping out of it.
You gonna put some blood on it,
maybe dangle an eyeball?
Who hurt you?
I'm kidding.
I know it's Jay and Dede.
Anyway, I got to go
get my costume.
Oh, for God's sake.
I kiss my mom hotter than that.
He does. I seen it.
Our new neighbors,
medical-marijuana retailer
Ronnie and his wife, Amber,
moved in two months ago, and --
it's been a week and a half.
Dear God. Really?
Yeah.
I don't get it.
What's scary about
a giant cupcake?
We're not doing scary this year.
Well, heads up --
we're doing crap-your-pants scary
on account of the contest,
so I just hope we don't offend you
over here in candy land.
What contest?
Oh, it's something we started
in the old neighborhood.
If you're into it, you, uh,
chip in 20 bucks,
and scariest house
on the street wins the pot.
Not actual pot.
I'd have to see
a prescription for that.
Wait. You're not a cop --
No, for the 12th time,
I'm not a cop.
Well, you are not gonna offend me
with your little decorations.
Please know that this... is Phil.
When I'm in charge,
it's terrifying.
I'll bet you give all
the other soccer moms
a good scare with that pin
that says "boo."
You are so lucky that
I have to go to work today,
or I would show you scary.
I would win your little contest.
You don't know what
you're up against.
We don't let preggos
or people with heart trouble
past our front gate.
Couple years ago,
we scared a man into
the hospital almost to death.
Well, since you got
an excuse, princess,
looks like my winning streak
will carry on.
Might even win
at the old house, too.
We left that place pretty scary.
I'm meeting a friend for coffee.
No, you're not.
No.
You're helping me
take this all down.
Everything goes.
Everything except the bunny.
I have plans for the bunny.
Okay! On three, say "argh!"
- Argh one, two, three!
- Argh - Argh!
Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
And how are you two related?
Uh, you know what --
gay or straight,
there's no wrong way
to make a family, so...
Okay, down, girl.
I meant, how are
your costumes related?
It's a parent/child costume contest.
It is?
It was all clearly stated on the flier.
There was a flier?
I gave it to you, daddy!
I knew your costume was all wrong!
O-okay, hey, don't panic.
There's plenty of time
before the parade.
Is there another character
in "Where's Waldo?"
Wizard Whitebeard.
Okay! Well, that'll be fun!
I haven't gone out
with a whitebeard
since I took my cousin
Sally to the prom.
All right, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
Lily, explain daddy's joke.
I loved having hair,
and I knew how to use it.
I'd walk up to a pretty girl
and run my hand
through my hair.
Score a touchdown,
whip the helmet off,
run my hand through my hair.
People say clothes make the man,
but that makes no sense.
What makes the man
is a nice head of hair.
Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!
No. No!
This doesn't look real at all.
Alex, where's that blood
you were using this morning
on your finger?
Running through my veins,
keeping me alive.
Here comes dad.
He's gonna be all like,
"no! What did you do?!
Where's Awesomeland?!"
No! What did you do?!
Where's Awesomeland?!
Are you from the future?
Phil, honey, honey,
w-we've had a little
change of plans.
Why?
What are you even doing here?
Shouldn't you be at work?
That obnoxious Ronnie was worried
that I wouldn't be able
to handle his decorations,
'cause he's trying to win
this "scariest house
on the street" contest,
and I was like, "not only
can I handle your decorations.
I'm gonna win that contest."
So welcome to the insane
asylum from hell.
That's what it feels like.
Come on. It's gonna be fun.
The kids are gonna be
deranged mental patients,
and -- and I am going
to be a sadistic nurse,
and you are a demented doctor.
20 years of "no,"
but for this,
you'll dress like a nurse?!
Um, no.
Of course the woman is the nurse
and the man is the doctor.
That kind of thinking --
that's what's scary.
Tap out. It's a holiday.
You know, I put a lot of time
and energy into my thing,
but you just shut it all down
to prove something
to people that we barely know
and don't even like!
Phil, Ronnie made fun
of Awesomeland.
He called it "Candy land".
So?
Stupidville? Dumbburgh?
Who cares what he thinks?!
Maybe someday you'll care
what I think.
Phil...
Well -- honey, look!
I kept your bunny!
Nibbles!
Made it in the nick of time.
All right, let's get
this parade started
while I'm still just 4,000 years old.
You do know the parade's
not till after school, right?
What? No!
I can't stay that long.
I have football practice.
Oh, my God.
I have to tell Lily.
She's gonna be devastated.
Oh, no.
Where's Waldo?
Since when has the parade
been after school?
Since always.
It was on the flier.
How big was this flier?
Oh, so this is how
we call each other now?
Mitchell, I have
a costume emergency.
Just wear it with confidence,
Cam. I'm sure you look great.
No, I can't find Lily!
Oh, okay, found her --
by the trash can,
next to the big kid
dressed like a hobo.
Oh, you did it.
I don't --
I don't think that's a kid.
I should probably tell a grown-up.
Well, you have no idea
what's happening here.
The stenographer
is dressed like a spider.
I cannot get anyone
to listen to anything I'm --
Mitchell, I can't.
Lily?
Honey, listen.
Daddy can't stay for the parade.
But you promised!
No, I know I did, but
it starts later than I thought,
and I have to get to...
Football practice!
It's fine! Just go!
No, Lily! Wait!
Well, she's gone forever.
Gloria, what happened to my hair?
Ay, no. Please.
I cannot have this conversation again.
Yes, Jay, time is cruel.
My Prince Charming wig --
it's gone.
Okay, what do you think --
handsome Hawaiian
or sexy scotsman?
I can't do this right now.
Come on, Jay --
this is my farewell tour
of trick-or-treating
in the neighborhood.
I have to go out strong.
Or should I just do
what people are expecting?
Stay home 'cause you're 20?
Jay, please don't
be mean to Manny.
Maybe Stella took your wig
and buried it in the yard.
I saw her playing with it earlier.
What? Why didn't you
take it from her?
I don't understand
your relationship with her.
You let her lick your feet.
Who is that possibly hurting?
What am I gonna do now?
Prince Charming had hair!
Please. We don't really
know that for sure.
There weren't cameras back then.
Maybe he had to be charming
because he was bald.
You really think it's appropriate
to be strapping your teenage
daughter to a gurney?
If we win, it is.
I may have to take
a pee break soon.
Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan.
I'm kidding. That's gross.
I put candy in it. Here.
Luke.
Luke!
I think I fell asleep.
This thing is like
a Temple Grandin hug.
Haley, sweetie, uh,
gown's on backwards.
Oh, no. It's cuter this way.
Sexy people go crazy,
too, you know.
Read a People magazine.
Phil.
You're not even gonna try
on your doctor costume?
Nope.
But we're gonna win.
Doesn't that make you happy?
Do I look happy?
You got a problem, lady.
This obsessive need
to be dark and scary --
you can't even stop yourself.
I can stop whenever I want.
Well, I'm not getting sucked in.
I'm having the Halloween
that I wanted.
What is all this?
Is this supposed to be funny?
No, it's supposed to be scary.
No, it's supposed to be awesome.
You know, I could tell that you guys
didn't love us moving in next door.
Maybe 'cause Ronnie deals pot
or maybe 'cause of
my confederate-flag bikini.
I don't know, but --
but I thought we were
becomin' friends.
I was gonna propose
a joint Thanksgiving, but...
this is really low.
No, honey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay, Ronnie!
It's rude and it's cruel!
I wish we had our old house
so we could drive it away
as far as possible!
Oh, my goodness.
What was that?
Amber gets touchy
about this stuff.
Uh, she --
she spent six months
in a cuckoo farm in Nevada.
I'm sorry.
She gets mad when I say that.
It was in Utah.
Oh, my God.
We -- we had no idea.
I swear.
I-it's cool.
I'll just...
Give her a box of Cap'n Crunch
and set her in front
of the fish tank.
That seems to calm her down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
We have to shut it down.
We got to shut it down.
Now, when she said
"Joint Thanksgiving,"
do you think that she meant --
- No.
- Okay.
Each of these companies
funneled unreported funds
into the same account.
Now, I believe
this chart makes clear
the intricate web of deceit.
Okay, I heard it.
I'm -- I'm gonna rephrase that.
These companies conspired
to defraud numerous
innocent people,
not to mention
the internal revenue service.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Your honor, may we approach?
If you must.
You see what's
happening here, right?
You're losing your
fifth case in a row?
Fourth. And --
who said -- am I losing?
Um, I just feel that the --
the jury
might be a little bit distracted by,
um... you know.
Please let the record show that
counsel is nodding his head
towards the court
stenographer, Holly.
Your honor, opposing counsel's
grasping at straws
because he's losing again.
Oh, come on! Come on!
She's dressed like a giant spider!
I need the jury to focus
on the details of this case,
not some ridiculous costume.
I'm sorry. You're probably
a very nice person.
Very well.
Holly, would you please
remove the costume?
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize for the delay.
At the request of counsel,
the court stenographer
will now remove the costume.
That redhead's no fun.
They hate you.
A-as I was saying, um,
these companies stole
from countless innocent people,
and, you know,
if someone had dipped into
my nest egg like that, uh...
I'd be awful grouchy.
Number four.
Here you go.
What are you supposed to be?
Born into another family.
She is Tess McGill,
feminist heroine
from the 1980s classic
"Working girl".
You should check it out sometime.
In a few years.
There is some light
vacuuming in underpants.
Keep up the good work!
How's it going here?
I look stupid!
These puppies
are making it impossible
for me to stay mad at you.
Stupid, adorable puppies.
Welcome to Awesomeland,
where the only thing
to fear is fun itself.
Claire, I know this isn't
the Halloween you wanted,
but can you try to sell it?
I'm sorry, honey.
I got mad at you
and I upset Amber,
and all because Ronnie
called me a soccer mom.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing.
I hate it when people
assume things about me
that aren't true --
like because I'm pretty,
I'm stuck-up.
When people do that to me,
I'm just like,
"shut up, troll.
Why am I even talking to you?"
I do not like being pigeonholed.
It's obvious, mom --
you use Halloween as a way
to show people you have edge.
It's like accountants
who buy a Harley.
She's right.
Being scary is my motorcycle.
That's my Tess.
I knew my farewell tour
would be emotional,
but at least I can say
I did it my way.
You've said that four times.
You know he had other songs?
Nice costume.
Ben Franklin, right?
What? No!
Prince charming.
Oh. Sorry.
I guess I just picture
Prince Charming with hair.
We all do, but I lost my wig,
and I don't have any, so...
Well, you know, there are
some pretty effective
solutions for that.
- Talking about hair plugs?
- Yeah.
Take some from the side
and the back, right?
You think that would work for me?
It could.
But you might want a second opinion
from an actual doctor.
Excuse me.
Did you just ask that fake doctor
about hair plugs?
No! You know how you struggle
with the language.
- Jay.
- Damn it, Gloria.
I miss having a head full of hair.
And don't act like
you don't miss it, too.
When we got married,
you had four more hairs
than you do now.
This is not a surprise to me.
What about today? Hmm?
Earlier?
When we were not napping?
When you were
a little extra-enthusiastic?
Because you were enthusiastic.
You went out and bought
costumes for all of us,
you were singing.
For once, you were not like,
"I don't want to do this.
"I just want to sit at home,
watch golf,
and eat my 10-layer dip."
Just five. Five layers.
One layer is enough, Jay.
I loved that you were
having fun with us.
A happy husband --
that's what is sexy to me.
So you don't think
I look like Ben Franklin?
Oh, yes! That's who it is!
The man from the $100 bill --
my favorite!
All right, happy Halloween.
That's your costume?
A big nose?
All right, you know, cool it.
I've had a rough day.
You think you're the first
Spongebob I've seen?
I'm missing Halloween.
All right, honey, if daddy's
not home in five minutes,
I will take you
trick-or-treating, okay?
Okay! I made it!
Football practice ran late, sweetie.
Just give me two minutes.
I'm so sorry.
Whatever.
I bet all the full-size
candy bars are gone.
- Lily.
- Nope, nope.
She has every right, Mitchell.
You know, I've let
football consume my life,
and I fumbled what's
most valuable to me,
and now I'm stuck!
Can somebody please help me?
- Don't help him!
- Oh, enough, you two!
It's like "August: Osage county"
up in here.
- All right, you --
- Where's my head?
- It's right here. Stop. Just calm down.
- Okay.
You need to let yourself
off the hook, all right?
You didn't abandon her
playing craps.
You had to go to work.
He's always working.
No, he's --
he is not always working, Lily.
Exhibit "A" -- your shirt,
which he stayed up
all night sewing
so that you would have
the perfect costume.
Exhibit "B" --
those glasses--
two hours on eBay.
Exhibit "C -- your satchel.
Daddy's man purse from college
that he had to dig through
10 boxes to find,
because daddy hid it from him.
But he didn't read the flier!
I never read it
because I never saw it!
- You didn't see the flier?
- No!
Maybe that's because
you never got it.
I submit to you...
the flier...
Which never made it
onto the refrigerator,
where you are supposed
to put things,
because it wa-a-a-s....
It... was...
Oh! Yes.
Lily, your daddy may
have missed the parade,
but he was all over Halloween.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry, daddy.
I'm sorry, too.
I got my win.
Trials would be a whole lot easier
if juries were made up of
7-year-old girls, like Lily.
And Cam.
I know it's not the point,
but we totally would've won.
Might want to leave that
out of your apology.
Howdy!
Hey, Ronnie. What's up?
Ronnie, hi.
Um, I was looking for Amber.
Oh, she's inside.
No, I ain't!
Knock it off, Amber!
Amber, hi.
Um, listen, I wanted to apologize.
I had no idea
about your history,
and I was being insensitive,
so I was hoping
we could start over.
That's really sweet.
Almost makes me feel bad
for making the whole thing up.
What?!
Trick!
She never been to a nuthouse.
No!
Yeah, I ain't crazy.
I mean, I've been
to rehab a few times,
but that was just
for paid vacation.
You lied just
to make me feel bad?
No, no -- we lied
so that we could win with
our zombie house o' whores!
That is so messed up.
Did you say "whores," or --
No, no. It ain't messed up.
The saying is "trick or treat."
This is the trick part.
Our yard's full o' dead whores.
You got a Santa.
Yep -- "whores." I heard it again.
Why are we not talking about this?
There will come a day
when you will pay for this.
You won't know when,
and you won't know how,
but you will feel it.
That chick is scary.
Thank you.
You have no idea.
You know, they just make it
impossible to find him.
It's cruel and inappropriate.
It just sets children up to fail,
and it destroys
their self-esteem.
- Right there.
- Is he there?
Is -- where --
Where did she point?
Where did she p--
Now I look like Rod Stewart.
Thanks a lot.
I have a head for business
and a bod for sin.
Yes, you do.
Ew! This is a common area!
? 20th Century FOX Television, 2014
It's a bird! It's a plane!
It's super-out-of-breath.
Happy Halloween to you, too.
I'm sorry. I'm just --
I'm really nervous about
this closing argument today.
Is it because you've lost
three cases in a row?
Whispering it doesn't
make it any less painful.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
No, it's just that this case --
it's so hard to hold
the jury's attention.
Well, do you want to run
your argument by me?
- Could I?
- Sure.
Um, okay.
Six years ago, Alger Equities
took investments
from municipal pension funds
and private investors
and funneled all of that
into offshore --
And I've already lost you.
No. I was just thinking --
because it's Halloween,
what if you wore these
in the courtroom?
Show the jury
"hey, I'm playful."
Cam, I'm an attorney,
not Bugs Bunny trying
to hide on a train.
I'm ready.
There's Waldo!
I think I'm gonna win
the costume contest.
Hey, now, honey,
it's not important if you win.
It's just for fun.
Picture.
But it's more fun if you win.
No offense, daddy.
You know, Lily's been
letting me know recently
that she's feeling neglected.
I think it's because
of all my football stuff.
That's why I went
all out on her costume.
Look how incredibly
accurate it is.
Where is that little guy?
Come on. Come to me.
Come on.
Here you -- here you go.
No matter how long
he stares at it,
Cam cannot find Waldo.
It's crazy.
O-once, he pointed
to a barber pole,
and we just gave it to him.
Where is the little guy?
He's right there.
How do you find it so...
Let's try these.
Okay.
Boys, what do you think
about my costume for tonight?
You look dynamite, honey.
Ay, thank you.
I am princess Fiona.
So does that make me a prince?
Do I have to keep track
of a crown all night?
No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
You mean that big green thing?
Nah, I don't want
to walk around all night
with an ugly rubber mask.
No. You just need
to paint your face green,
and that's it.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, ouch.
You do this every time.
You go as a princess.
I have to go as some freak.
You're beauty, I'm the beast.
You're Beyonce?
I'm... that guy.
Well, you never want to go
shopping with me for costumes,
so I get what I want,
and you are what comes with it.
Well, this year,
I'm getting my own costume,
and it's gonna be
tough and manly --
maybe a cowboy
or a construction worker.
You know that
that's what Mitch and Cam
wore last year, right?
Damn it! I cut my finger!
Ha, ha, happy Halloween.
No, really -- I cut myself. Look!
That looks great.
What'd you use
to make the blood?
A knife. I'm actually hurt.
Great production value,
sweetheart.
I'm impressed.
Can't believe I've got to go
to work on Halloween.
This blows!
Don't worry.
By the time you get home,
Awesomeland will be
up and running.
Claire's busy with work this year,
so I'm taking over
the Halloween duties.
My theme is Awesomeland.
Which includes anything
Phil finds awesome.
It's a pretty big umbrella.
Big, pretty umbrellas --
those are awesome.
Claire loves blood
and guts and gore,
but who says Halloween
has to be scary?
Everybody but you.
This is killing her.
At least something's dying.
Court is now in session.
Counselor, are you ready
to deliver closing arguments?
Yes, your honor.
Well, let's get --
Wait. Where is Holly?
Sorry, your honor.
My bus was late.
Counselor, proceed.
O-okay.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
the details of this case are --
are complicated and technical,
but they have a, uh, a tragic
and profound effect on the victims.
Uh, the, um...
Pensions were squandered,
lives were destroyed,
and careers, once so promising,
were now... ruined.
So, because of this marriage,
you're basically
third cousins with Shakira.
I mean, we don't get
the free tickets,
but it's fun.
Ay, dios mio. What is this?
What's up, princess?
I'm Prince Charming.
I can see that.
I got Joe a donkey costume,
and I got Stella cat ears.
I just hope she
doesn't chase herself.
Ah, I get it --
because she's a dog.
I also found out
that princess Fiona
is supposed to wear a tiara,
so here you go.
They had a whole bucket full of 'em.
I love it.
Ay, and you look so handsome.
It's like those pictures
of you in the Navy.
I have an idea.
Why don't we put
Joe down for a nap
and then we go and take a nap,
but not the one we sleep --
I got it. I'm in.
Okay.
Hey. I thought you had a big meeting.
I do, but I left my cellphone here.
I need it to read at stoplights
so I don't think about stuff.
I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
Ohhh.
Honey, I don't think that fits.
It fits in Awesomeland.
It's a magic hat.
I'm gonna have this
bunny jumping out of it.
You gonna put some blood on it,
maybe dangle an eyeball?
Who hurt you?
I'm kidding.
I know it's Jay and Dede.
Anyway, I got to go
get my costume.
Oh, for God's sake.
I kiss my mom hotter than that.
He does. I seen it.
Our new neighbors,
medical-marijuana retailer
Ronnie and his wife, Amber,
moved in two months ago, and --
it's been a week and a half.
Dear God. Really?
Yeah.
I don't get it.
What's scary about
a giant cupcake?
We're not doing scary this year.
Well, heads up --
we're doing crap-your-pants scary
on account of the contest,
so I just hope we don't offend you
over here in candy land.
What contest?
Oh, it's something we started
in the old neighborhood.
If you're into it, you, uh,
chip in 20 bucks,
and scariest house
on the street wins the pot.
Not actual pot.
I'd have to see
a prescription for that.
Wait. You're not a cop --
No, for the 12th time,
I'm not a cop.
Well, you are not gonna offend me
with your little decorations.
Please know that this... is Phil.
When I'm in charge,
it's terrifying.
I'll bet you give all
the other soccer moms
a good scare with that pin
that says "boo."
You are so lucky that
I have to go to work today,
or I would show you scary.
I would win your little contest.
You don't know what
you're up against.
We don't let preggos
or people with heart trouble
past our front gate.
Couple years ago,
we scared a man into
the hospital almost to death.
Well, since you got
an excuse, princess,
looks like my winning streak
will carry on.
Might even win
at the old house, too.
We left that place pretty scary.
I'm meeting a friend for coffee.
No, you're not.
No.
You're helping me
take this all down.
Everything goes.
Everything except the bunny.
I have plans for the bunny.
Okay! On three, say "argh!"
- Argh one, two, three!
- Argh - Argh!
Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
And how are you two related?
Uh, you know what --
gay or straight,
there's no wrong way
to make a family, so...
Okay, down, girl.
I meant, how are
your costumes related?
It's a parent/child costume contest.
It is?
It was all clearly stated on the flier.
There was a flier?
I gave it to you, daddy!
I knew your costume was all wrong!
O-okay, hey, don't panic.
There's plenty of time
before the parade.
Is there another character
in "Where's Waldo?"
Wizard Whitebeard.
Okay! Well, that'll be fun!
I haven't gone out
with a whitebeard
since I took my cousin
Sally to the prom.
All right, I'll be back
as soon as I can.
Lily, explain daddy's joke.
I loved having hair,
and I knew how to use it.
I'd walk up to a pretty girl
and run my hand
through my hair.
Score a touchdown,
whip the helmet off,
run my hand through my hair.
People say clothes make the man,
but that makes no sense.
What makes the man
is a nice head of hair.
Damn it! It's like a phantom limb!
No. No!
This doesn't look real at all.
Alex, where's that blood
you were using this morning
on your finger?
Running through my veins,
keeping me alive.
Here comes dad.
He's gonna be all like,
"no! What did you do?!
Where's Awesomeland?!"
No! What did you do?!
Where's Awesomeland?!
Are you from the future?
Phil, honey, honey,
w-we've had a little
change of plans.
Why?
What are you even doing here?
Shouldn't you be at work?
That obnoxious Ronnie was worried
that I wouldn't be able
to handle his decorations,
'cause he's trying to win
this "scariest house
on the street" contest,
and I was like, "not only
can I handle your decorations.
I'm gonna win that contest."
So welcome to the insane
asylum from hell.
That's what it feels like.
Come on. It's gonna be fun.
The kids are gonna be
deranged mental patients,
and -- and I am going
to be a sadistic nurse,
and you are a demented doctor.
20 years of "no,"
but for this,
you'll dress like a nurse?!
Um, no.
Of course the woman is the nurse
and the man is the doctor.
That kind of thinking --
that's what's scary.
Tap out. It's a holiday.
You know, I put a lot of time
and energy into my thing,
but you just shut it all down
to prove something
to people that we barely know
and don't even like!
Phil, Ronnie made fun
of Awesomeland.
He called it "Candy land".
So?
Stupidville? Dumbburgh?
Who cares what he thinks?!
Maybe someday you'll care
what I think.
Phil...
Well -- honey, look!
I kept your bunny!
Nibbles!
Made it in the nick of time.
All right, let's get
this parade started
while I'm still just 4,000 years old.
You do know the parade's
not till after school, right?
What? No!
I can't stay that long.
I have football practice.
Oh, my God.
I have to tell Lily.
She's gonna be devastated.
Oh, no.
Where's Waldo?
Since when has the parade
been after school?
Since always.
It was on the flier.
How big was this flier?
Oh, so this is how
we call each other now?
Mitchell, I have
a costume emergency.
Just wear it with confidence,
Cam. I'm sure you look great.
No, I can't find Lily!
Oh, okay, found her --
by the trash can,
next to the big kid
dressed like a hobo.
Oh, you did it.
I don't --
I don't think that's a kid.
I should probably tell a grown-up.
Well, you have no idea
what's happening here.
The stenographer
is dressed like a spider.
I cannot get anyone
to listen to anything I'm --
Mitchell, I can't.
Lily?
Honey, listen.
Daddy can't stay for the parade.
But you promised!
No, I know I did, but
it starts later than I thought,
and I have to get to...
Football practice!
It's fine! Just go!
No, Lily! Wait!
Well, she's gone forever.
Gloria, what happened to my hair?
Ay, no. Please.
I cannot have this conversation again.
Yes, Jay, time is cruel.
My Prince Charming wig --
it's gone.
Okay, what do you think --
handsome Hawaiian
or sexy scotsman?
I can't do this right now.
Come on, Jay --
this is my farewell tour
of trick-or-treating
in the neighborhood.
I have to go out strong.
Or should I just do
what people are expecting?
Stay home 'cause you're 20?
Jay, please don't
be mean to Manny.
Maybe Stella took your wig
and buried it in the yard.
I saw her playing with it earlier.
What? Why didn't you
take it from her?
I don't understand
your relationship with her.
You let her lick your feet.
Who is that possibly hurting?
What am I gonna do now?
Prince Charming had hair!
Please. We don't really
know that for sure.
There weren't cameras back then.
Maybe he had to be charming
because he was bald.
You really think it's appropriate
to be strapping your teenage
daughter to a gurney?
If we win, it is.
I may have to take
a pee break soon.
Ooh. Here. Use this bedpan.
I'm kidding. That's gross.
I put candy in it. Here.
Luke.
Luke!
I think I fell asleep.
This thing is like
a Temple Grandin hug.
Haley, sweetie, uh,
gown's on backwards.
Oh, no. It's cuter this way.
Sexy people go crazy,
too, you know.
Read a People magazine.
Phil.
You're not even gonna try
on your doctor costume?
Nope.
But we're gonna win.
Doesn't that make you happy?
Do I look happy?
You got a problem, lady.
This obsessive need
to be dark and scary --
you can't even stop yourself.
I can stop whenever I want.
Well, I'm not getting sucked in.
I'm having the Halloween
that I wanted.
What is all this?
Is this supposed to be funny?
No, it's supposed to be scary.
No, it's supposed to be awesome.
You know, I could tell that you guys
didn't love us moving in next door.
Maybe 'cause Ronnie deals pot
or maybe 'cause of
my confederate-flag bikini.
I don't know, but --
but I thought we were
becomin' friends.
I was gonna propose
a joint Thanksgiving, but...
this is really low.
No, honey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay, Ronnie!
It's rude and it's cruel!
I wish we had our old house
so we could drive it away
as far as possible!
Oh, my goodness.
What was that?
Amber gets touchy
about this stuff.
Uh, she --
she spent six months
in a cuckoo farm in Nevada.
I'm sorry.
She gets mad when I say that.
It was in Utah.
Oh, my God.
We -- we had no idea.
I swear.
I-it's cool.
I'll just...
Give her a box of Cap'n Crunch
and set her in front
of the fish tank.
That seems to calm her down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
We have to shut it down.
We got to shut it down.
Now, when she said
"Joint Thanksgiving,"
do you think that she meant --
- No.
- Okay.
Each of these companies
funneled unreported funds
into the same account.
Now, I believe
this chart makes clear
the intricate web of deceit.
Okay, I heard it.
I'm -- I'm gonna rephrase that.
These companies conspired
to defraud numerous
innocent people,
not to mention
the internal revenue service.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Your honor, may we approach?
If you must.
You see what's
happening here, right?
You're losing your
fifth case in a row?
Fourth. And --
who said -- am I losing?
Um, I just feel that the --
the jury
might be a little bit distracted by,
um... you know.
Please let the record show that
counsel is nodding his head
towards the court
stenographer, Holly.
Your honor, opposing counsel's
grasping at straws
because he's losing again.
Oh, come on! Come on!
She's dressed like a giant spider!
I need the jury to focus
on the details of this case,
not some ridiculous costume.
I'm sorry. You're probably
a very nice person.
Very well.
Holly, would you please
remove the costume?
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I apologize for the delay.
At the request of counsel,
the court stenographer
will now remove the costume.
That redhead's no fun.
They hate you.
A-as I was saying, um,
these companies stole
from countless innocent people,
and, you know,
if someone had dipped into
my nest egg like that, uh...
I'd be awful grouchy.
Number four.
Here you go.
What are you supposed to be?
Born into another family.
She is Tess McGill,
feminist heroine
from the 1980s classic
"Working girl".
You should check it out sometime.
In a few years.
There is some light
vacuuming in underpants.
Keep up the good work!
How's it going here?
I look stupid!
These puppies
are making it impossible
for me to stay mad at you.
Stupid, adorable puppies.
Welcome to Awesomeland,
where the only thing
to fear is fun itself.
Claire, I know this isn't
the Halloween you wanted,
but can you try to sell it?
I'm sorry, honey.
I got mad at you
and I upset Amber,
and all because Ronnie
called me a soccer mom.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing.
I hate it when people
assume things about me
that aren't true --
like because I'm pretty,
I'm stuck-up.
When people do that to me,
I'm just like,
"shut up, troll.
Why am I even talking to you?"
I do not like being pigeonholed.
It's obvious, mom --
you use Halloween as a way
to show people you have edge.
It's like accountants
who buy a Harley.
She's right.
Being scary is my motorcycle.
That's my Tess.
I knew my farewell tour
would be emotional,
but at least I can say
I did it my way.
You've said that four times.
You know he had other songs?
Nice costume.
Ben Franklin, right?
What? No!
Prince charming.
Oh. Sorry.
I guess I just picture
Prince Charming with hair.
We all do, but I lost my wig,
and I don't have any, so...
Well, you know, there are
some pretty effective
solutions for that.
- Talking about hair plugs?
- Yeah.
Take some from the side
and the back, right?
You think that would work for me?
It could.
But you might want a second opinion
from an actual doctor.
Excuse me.
Did you just ask that fake doctor
about hair plugs?
No! You know how you struggle
with the language.
- Jay.
- Damn it, Gloria.
I miss having a head full of hair.
And don't act like
you don't miss it, too.
When we got married,
you had four more hairs
than you do now.
This is not a surprise to me.
What about today? Hmm?
Earlier?
When we were not napping?
When you were
a little extra-enthusiastic?
Because you were enthusiastic.
You went out and bought
costumes for all of us,
you were singing.
For once, you were not like,
"I don't want to do this.
"I just want to sit at home,
watch golf,
and eat my 10-layer dip."
Just five. Five layers.
One layer is enough, Jay.
I loved that you were
having fun with us.
A happy husband --
that's what is sexy to me.
So you don't think
I look like Ben Franklin?
Oh, yes! That's who it is!
The man from the $100 bill --
my favorite!
All right, happy Halloween.
That's your costume?
A big nose?
All right, you know, cool it.
I've had a rough day.
You think you're the first
Spongebob I've seen?
I'm missing Halloween.
All right, honey, if daddy's
not home in five minutes,
I will take you
trick-or-treating, okay?
Okay! I made it!
Football practice ran late, sweetie.
Just give me two minutes.
I'm so sorry.
Whatever.
I bet all the full-size
candy bars are gone.
- Lily.
- Nope, nope.
She has every right, Mitchell.
You know, I've let
football consume my life,
and I fumbled what's
most valuable to me,
and now I'm stuck!
Can somebody please help me?
- Don't help him!
- Oh, enough, you two!
It's like "August: Osage county"
up in here.
- All right, you --
- Where's my head?
- It's right here. Stop. Just calm down.
- Okay.
You need to let yourself
off the hook, all right?
You didn't abandon her
playing craps.
You had to go to work.
He's always working.
No, he's --
he is not always working, Lily.
Exhibit "A" -- your shirt,
which he stayed up
all night sewing
so that you would have
the perfect costume.
Exhibit "B" --
those glasses--
two hours on eBay.
Exhibit "C -- your satchel.
Daddy's man purse from college
that he had to dig through
10 boxes to find,
because daddy hid it from him.
But he didn't read the flier!
I never read it
because I never saw it!
- You didn't see the flier?
- No!
Maybe that's because
you never got it.
I submit to you...
the flier...
Which never made it
onto the refrigerator,
where you are supposed
to put things,
because it wa-a-a-s....
It... was...
Oh! Yes.
Lily, your daddy may
have missed the parade,
but he was all over Halloween.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry, daddy.
I'm sorry, too.
I got my win.
Trials would be a whole lot easier
if juries were made up of
7-year-old girls, like Lily.
And Cam.
I know it's not the point,
but we totally would've won.
Might want to leave that
out of your apology.
Howdy!
Hey, Ronnie. What's up?
Ronnie, hi.
Um, I was looking for Amber.
Oh, she's inside.
No, I ain't!
Knock it off, Amber!
Amber, hi.
Um, listen, I wanted to apologize.
I had no idea
about your history,
and I was being insensitive,
so I was hoping
we could start over.
That's really sweet.
Almost makes me feel bad
for making the whole thing up.
What?!
Trick!
She never been to a nuthouse.
No!
Yeah, I ain't crazy.
I mean, I've been
to rehab a few times,
but that was just
for paid vacation.
You lied just
to make me feel bad?
No, no -- we lied
so that we could win with
our zombie house o' whores!
That is so messed up.
Did you say "whores," or --
No, no. It ain't messed up.
The saying is "trick or treat."
This is the trick part.
Our yard's full o' dead whores.
You got a Santa.
Yep -- "whores." I heard it again.
Why are we not talking about this?
There will come a day
when you will pay for this.
You won't know when,
and you won't know how,
but you will feel it.
That chick is scary.
Thank you.
You have no idea.
You know, they just make it
impossible to find him.
It's cruel and inappropriate.
It just sets children up to fail,
and it destroys
their self-esteem.
- Right there.
- Is he there?
Is -- where --
Where did she point?
Where did she p--
Now I look like Rod Stewart.
Thanks a lot.
I have a head for business
and a bod for sin.
Yes, you do.
Ew! This is a common area!
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