Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 24 - American Skyper - full transcript

Here she is!

[ All cheering ]

Thanks for being there,
you guys.

[ Lisping ] We wouldn't
have missed it, sweetie.

Your speech was fantastic.

What's wrong with your speech?

Oh, is it that obvious?

I...

I got adult braces!
[ Chuckles ]

Oh!

Are you sure?



'Cause they don't
seem like they fit right.

Um...

I think it's a bold step,

and I support you in your
journey of self-improvement.

No, you're not
getting your hair straightened.

You know your dad
wishes he could be here.

Phil:
What are you talking about?

I'm right here!
[ Laughs ]

I had Andy set me up
so I could be here with you all.

I just had to plug him in.

It was a nice reversal
from when I had to

pull the plug on my dad
in the hospital.

While he was away
on a business trip,

Phil got
a terrible ear infection,



and the doctors said he could
burst an eardrum if he flew.

I was devastated
to miss Alex's graduation,

until I realized
I didn't have to.

I got to hold up my phone
for two hours

so Phil could
see the graduation live.

Bet I was the only dad there
not wearing pants.

How great is this thing, huh?

It's so convenient.

It's like I'm right there
in the room... with you guys.

Hello?

Hello?

Gloria, would you
tell your cousin

to stop leaving his trash
everywhere?

It's been five days
of this nonsense.

He comes in here, eats all
my food, drinks all my booze,

and never so much as
does a dish.

Oh, yes, so different

from what all those white people
over there are doing.

You got a blind spot for the
deadbeat yahoos in your family.

He's not a yahoo, and
don't say that in front of him!

He doesn't speak English!

He understands it.

Oh, really?

Fire! Run!
Fire!

Haley: You're being ridiculous, Beth.
Don't go.

Oh, you're so sweet,
but I don't want to intrude,

so I'll just see you guys later.

Oh, Gloria,
tell her she can stay.

Of course you can stay.

We love having you here,
especially Joe.

You're his new favorite.
[ Laughs ]

I used to be his favorite

until I told him
I get paid to hang with him.

I just felt like
he had a right to know.

If I'm being honest,
I thought I was into Andy.

Then his girlfriend, Beth,
came into town,

and she's really sweet
and they're great together.

So, in the spirit of graduation,
I'm officially moving on.

And, unlike
my actually graduation,

there's no pregnancy scare.

All right.

Good.

Uh, are you sure
about that outfit?

Why does this keep happening?
[ Beth laughs ]

Well, it's not because Joe
dresses like an adult.

I dress like an adult.

You wore light-up sneakers
to a Radiohead concert.

Yes. And did we
ever get separated?

Not for lack of trying.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, my god.

Haley, the number of times
I've thrown those shoes away.

They're just too easy to spot
in the trash.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, yes.
Yuk it up.

I'm gonna go get him
a new shirt.

"Goldilocks."

My mom read this to me
a thousand times.

I just never understood how that
little girl got away with it.

What do you mean?

Well, if I were a bear

and somebody
broke into my house,

laid in my bed,
and ate my food,

I'd rip her skinny
little arms off.

Oh.

Well, it's just porridge, right?

It's my porridge.

Um...

There he is.

This is crazy,
but I have this same shirt.

[ Laughs ]
You're so adorable.

Isn't he adorable?

Y-yeah.

Wow. I should
leave the room more often.

No!
Uh, uh...

Can you blend cheese?

I don't think so,
and I don't want to try it.

I just want a smoothie
or something.

Hey, guys!

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, god.

Guess what.
They accepted your offer.

Oh, my gosh!
That's fantastic!

What offer?

We're buying the apartment
upstairs from us.

We're gonna expand,

- put in a proper guest room,
a home office. - Yeah.

- So much space.
- Yeah.

Congrats!

I'm gonna roll away before
you spit on my screen again.

Isn't that great?

Yeah.
Oh, so great, so great.

I thought Mitchell would be more
excited about the unit upstairs.

Something is going on with him.
He's been more distant lately.

For the last two weeks,

he hasn't been that interested
in the unit downstairs, either.

What's that?

Aah!
Phil, nothing.

It's just a little gift
I got Alex.

But we already gave her
our present.

That 16-piece luggage set
was a real winner.

This is more of
a mother-daughter thing.

It's just a key chain
with a picture of me and Alex

on her first day of school.

I wanted her to have something

that reminded her
of how much I love her.

Why don't we just sing
that song I wrote her?

Uh... Because I don't want
to sing that lame song.

Oh. Lame. Okay.

[ Sighs ]
Phil, really? Come on.

Only you could hurt a robot!

Hey!

You, uh --
You need some help?

Sure.

So, um,
I was wondering --

Um, has Beth said anything to you
about me? About not liking me?

Are you kidding?

Beth's obsessed with you.

She's always like, "err!

Haley's so cute.
I just want to bite her face."

Oh, my god.

She asked me where you work,
where you go at night,

whether you hike alone.

[ Whimpers ]

She's actually
very concerned about you.

Or is it possible --

What are you guys
talking about? [ Gasps ]

Uh, uh, how I'm
only into Korean dudes.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

- Oh, hey, honey.
- Yeah.

Hey, Phil.

Hey, don't turn.
Be cool, be cool.

I need you to make this
apartment thing go away.

- What?
- I said, "be cool."

Why do you want it to go away?
[ Sighs ]

We had some budget cuts
at the office,

and a bunch of us got laid off.

Now -- now,
I didn't tell Cam because...

I was embarrassed,
but also because I knew --

I knew I would get
another job like that.

It's been a month, and --
and now it's just weird

that I didn't tell him
in the first place,

so every morning,
I leave for work.

Well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
It's off to work I go.

Okay.

I send out my résumé.

And then, like most
unemployed people

hiding the truth
from their spouses,

I go to the park.

And then, one day,
I met Spencer.

Hello.

And now I play checkers
with Spencer.

[ Laughs ]
No! Aah!

Oh!

And his best friend, George,

who helped me get over
my lifelong fear of birds.

[ Laughing ] That tickles.
Stop it! Stop it!

Mitchell, you can talk to me.
I'm a realtor.

I need you to
kill the deal, okay?

Don't tell Cam.

Mitch...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

What was that about?
What did Mitchell say?

Ooh!
Do I smell Jay's famous ribs?

Phil. Phil.

[ Humming ]

Hey, hey! Hey!

Calm down.
Gloria needs napkin rings.

I'm gonna hold you up.
You can check the high shelves.

Lift with your legs.
I had a big lunch.

[ Laughs ]

[ Imitates beeping ]

I don't see any napkin rings.

I just see a box
with some Spanish written on it.

Oh, that's probably it.

Crockett and Tubbs!
That's heroin!

What?!

You know,
horse, smack, hell dust.

I know the nicknames.
I've watched "Kojak."

I guarantee that
low-life cousin of Gloria's

stashed this up there.

Jay, where are the napkin rings?

I'll give you guys some privacy.

Look what your cousin's
hiding in here.

That's my horse.

[ gasps ]

That's yours?

Yes, I brought it back
from Colombia.

My god.
I married into a drug cartel?

These are the ashes
of my dead horse, Gaucho.

I had him
when I was a little girl.

Ohhhh.

You thought
that these were drugs

and that they belong
to my cousin?

Well, what
was I supposed to think?

I am sick of this, Jay.

You treat my family
like they're criminals.

Like he would bring $150,000
worth of heroin into this house!

How do you know
how much --

What?! I can't know
street value?!

Alex, honey,
could I borrow you for a minute?

One sec.

Uncle Mitch, this is amazing.

I can't believe
you kept all of this.

Oh, it's nothing special.

It's just a handmade scrapbook

of every note and drawing
you ever made me.

[ Laughs ]

You -- you got to be
kidding me.

Oh, oh.
Hola.

This is good.

This is a report card

that you made for me
when you were 4,

and you gave me
a B-minus as an uncle.

I was mad because you wasted
your vote on Ralph Nader.

Well...

But today,
you get an A-plus,

because this is
the most thoughtful gift ever.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Oh, Mitchell, where did you
even find the time for this?

You know...

So, this one --
Here or here?

- Hmm.
- I don't know.

What about here?

Oh! Spencer!
[ Grunts ]

Hey, guys, so,
a random question,

but, um, do any of you

get kind of a weird vibe
from Beth?

You know, like maybe
something's a little off?

Beth?
No. She's an angel.

Yeah, she seems super-sweet.

You're really not shying away
from those "S" words, are you?

S-so, no one thinks

that Beth has maybe, like,
a slightly psychotic side?

Oh.

I see what's going on here.

Somebody's jealous

'cause she's not
the only pretty girl

- around here anymore, hmm?
- Ugh.

Wow!
Thanks, mom.

Beth's super-hot.

If everyone in the Coast Guard
looks like that,

sign me up.

It's just on
the weekends, right?

Forget it.
You're all useless.

[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

- Who was that?
- Oh, it's just work.

There is a line
that I will not cross.

As soon as I touch that phone,
I'm a suspicious spouse,

and that is not me.

So, I say to the waitress...

[ Cellphone dings ]

...um...

"I saw you pour
from the regular pot."

[ Cellphone dings ]

And, um, she's like, "nope.

I, uh, poured
from the decaf pot."

[ Cellphone dings ]
You know? Oh, my gosh.

Whoops.

Let me get that.

Come on.
Don't leave me hanging.

Were you up all night?

"Had fun with you. Spencer.

See you Monday. Spencer.

Smiley face. Spencer."

Who is Spencer?!

- Hey, Mr. D.
- Hey.

Can we talk?

Sure thing.
What'll you have?

[ Both laugh ]

What's up?

So, I've been...

getting some signals from Beth

that she wants me to propose.

That's exciting.

Yeah.
I even have a ring.

So, what's the hold-up?

Well...
there's this other girl,

and I feel like I have
a serious connection with her,

but... I just don't know
how she feels.

Andy, back when I was dating
Claire, I used to think,

"what if I'm in the laundromat
one day,

and Robin Givens walks in?"

[ Laughs ]

She asks me for a quarter.

I hand her one.

Our fingers linger.

She wonders
if maybe after "Iron Mike,"

what she's really yearning for

is the touch of a gentler man.

I'm not following.

It's natural to wonder
about a different path,

but if you truly love Beth,
you should propose.

You're right.
I'll do it.

There's this place she loves
by the ocean.

I'll take her there
and propose at sunset.

Great!

Thank you so much.

Bring it in.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on.
Get a Roomba.

[ Both laugh ]

Honey, the key chain was a bust.

I need something else.
Quick. Come on.

Got it.
You want to sing the song.

Good thing I brought
my ukulele on the trip.

Trip! Oh!

When Alex was little,
I took her for brunch

at that cute little
Dutch town up north.

I-I could take her there again.
[ Ukulele plays ]

A trip for just the two of us.
It's perfect.

♪ When you don't -- ♪

Claire?

Aah!
[ Laughs ]

Alex, honey,
do you remember --

Oh, my god, mom!

Grandpa got me a trip to Europe
for my graduation!

I just wanted her to know
how much she meant to me.

Yes!

[ Laughter ]

I hate this family.

Phil, I need to talk to you,
man to man.

I think Mitchell's
having an affair.

What?

I was going through his wallet

and I found a receipt to
The Avian Hotel.

It's probably
some fancy French place

where he's meeting his lover

for their secret
weekly rendezvous.

Has he said anything to you
about the unit upstairs?

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]
You gasped.

Only because you did.

Phil, tell me
what you know right now.

I don't know anything.
Put me down.

Talk to your husband.

This is my wallet.
You never saw me.

[ Dog barks ]

Stella, no. Bad girl.

[ Stella growls ]

Bad girl.
Stella, no.

Stella, no.

[ Stella barks ]

Lily spilled some juice
on the counter.

Should I frisk her for guns?

Oh, geez.

Oh, sorry.

Jay, no!

Beth: Haley!

Come check it out.

I was just showing
Luke and Manny

some things that I learned
in Coast Guard training.

Mm-hmm.

You look so pretty.

All right, Manny,
take this pen from me.

Oh. So, you just
want me to grab it?

Aah!

See?

That's what you do

when someone tries to
take something that's yours.

Awesome.

My turn.

What happened?
Did I get the pen?

Hey, your hair's burning!

What?!
[ Screaming ]

Ay! Your hair!

I got it!

Ow! Ow!

It's out! It's out!

What happened?

It must have been that candle.

Why'd you sit so close to it?

She told me to!

Ay, Beth, thank god
that you were here.

I'm just glad I could help.

It's getting crazy in here.

You want to cool things off
in the pool?

[ Coughs ]

Jay!

Oh, thank god.

There you are.

Okay, you are --
You're never...

You're never gonna believe
what my dad did.

- Lock you in the bathroom?
- No.

He gave Alex a trip to Europe
for her graduation present.

There's no way
I can now give her

a weekend of
Dutch pancake balls after that.

Can you open the door?
I'm feeling claustrophobic.

Phil, you're in a hotel room
in Seattle.

I'm desperate.
Just teach me the song.

Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.

Just teach it to me.

Okay.

It's called "Go ask Alex."

♪ When you don't know
what a word means ♪

♪ go ask Alex ♪

♪ If you need someone
to hem your jeans ♪

♪ go ask Alex ♪

I can't believe
I'm even saying this,

but instead of "hem your jeans,"

could it be "steam your Greens"?

No, it can't.

The jeans come back
at the 4-minute mark.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Haley.

How you feeling?

Heard about the hair fire.
Sounds scary.

[ Nervously ] Uh-huh.

Poor thing.

I left you a gift on your car
to help you feel better.

It's the red one, right?

Uh-huh.

Hey, can you do me a favor
and go start my car?

Uh, I guess.

Thanks.

He's alive. It's fine.

Okay, everybody gather 'round.

Phil and I have prepared
something very special

for our brilliant
graduate, Alex.

Okay, you ready?

♪ When you... ♪

Why is that not --
Okay, there's no sound.

Phil, honey?
There's no sound.

Okay, so, while Claire fixes
robot Phil, I make toast.

When I first
came into this family,

I didn't think
I was ever going to be accepted.

Then, one day,

Alex needed to write a report
about a family member,

and she picked me.

That was the first time I
really felt part of the family.

Ay, Alex, you were the first one
to reach out to me,

and I will never forget that.

They all call you the smart one,

but to me, you're the kind one.

I'm so lucky to have you
in my life, baby.

Gloria.

Hear, hear.

Oh, there you are.

[ Ukulele plays ] ♪ When you don't know
what a word -- ♪

No, not doing it, not doing it.
We're not -- not doing it.

[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh. One second.

[ Laughs ]

_

Gloria, watching you
give that toast,

I see you treat my family
like your own.

And you're right.

I need to treat
your cousin nicer.

Thank you, Jay.

Do me a favor, huh?
Would you translate for me?

Tell Armando I'm sorry I haven't
been more welcoming to him.

_

Tell him he's a great guy.

_

And he can stay
as long as he wants.

_

We forgive you.

You sure? Maybe I can give him
a little hug or something.

No, it's too much.

Bye-bye.

Hey!

Okay, I've had enough.
I need to know.

Who is this precious Spencer?

Oh, god.
How do you know about Spencer?

So you admit it.

You are having an affair.

- What?
- It's the braces, isn't it?

I've driven you to stray.
I'm hideous.

Cam, you're acting crazy.

Am I?
Mitchell...

I found the receipt
to The Avian Hotel.

That's pronounced
"ay-vee-Ann."

Well, it sounds seedy.

It is.
It's a kennel for birds.

It's where I picked up George.

There's a George, too?

Calm down.
I'm talking about a cockatoo.

Oh! One or two.
Is that all? How blasé.

Cam, George is a bird,

and Spencer is an old man

I've been hanging out with

at the park, because I...

I got laid off.

You lost your job?

I'm sorry.
I just --

I couldn't tell you
that I was out of work again.

I... I feel like such a loser.

No, please.
My gosh.

As long as
you're not cheating on me,

that's all that matters.

Something will come up.
You're a great lawyer.

Oh, thank you.
I just --

I don't think that we can get
that apartment right now.

Of course we can.

We already
have the down payment.

And you know what?
We could get renters.

We could it into an Airbnb.

Uh... Really?
Different people every week?

How exciting and new.
It'd be like "The Love Boat."

Oh!

Hey, mom, have a second?

Already am.

I wanted to give you a present.

Me? No.

Honey, I want
to give you a present.

That's what I've been
trying to do all day.

You are the last person
who should give me anything.

You got me here.

You got me to graduation,
to Caltech.

You did it.

And you're done.

Thank you, sweetie.
Thank you. I love you.

I want you to go to Europe
with me.

What?!

Yeah.
We'll have a great time.

Cafés, museums.

Plus, Europe is not safe
for teenage girls.

You've seen "Taken."

Could you imagine
dad getting that phone call?

What is his
particular set of skills?

Juggling?

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, dad, can we talk?

- Sure, honey.
- In private?

[ Straining ] Oh, not so hard.
I can't breathe.

[ Laughs ]
Little robot humor.

I noticed you didn't laugh
at my robot joke.

What's going on?

Everyone thinks Beth is so
great, but I think she's crazy.

She's been after me all day.

Why would she be after you?

She thinks
I'm in love with Andy.

Are you?

No.
I mean, I care about him.

He makes me laugh.
I like spending time with him.

Well, do you think about him
when he's not around?

I guess.

Sometimes, I see
something funny and I think,

"oh, Andy would love that.

I wish he were here
so I could share it with him."

But...

Honey, I know I'm just a robot,

but that sounds like love to me.

[ Sighs ]

Well...

Doesn't matter anyway.

He's in love with someone else.

Maybe I'm the crazy one.

[ Knock on door ]

Don't mean to interrupt.
Just came to say goodbye.

Mm-hmm.

Beth and I are going to
take a drive,

try to catch the sunset.

Okay, well, have fun.

Okay.

It's Haley. Haley's the girl.
You love Ha--

[ no audio ]

...love each other!

Come on.
I'll walk you out.

Where are you going?

You guys love each oth--

You're making a huge mistake!

Beth: Ready?

- Bye.
- Bye.

Come back.

Oh, boy.
This is gonna hurt.

Stop!

Oh-ho-ho!

Aaaah!

Hello?

Hello?!

No!

Hello?
Hello?

Can anybody hear me?

Hello?

Oh, thank God!

You've gotta help me.
I've been in an accident.

I need you to find my daughter.

Oh, great!
Thank you!

Wha-- what are you doing?

Where are you going?

Where are you taking me?
Put me down!

Help!
I'm being taken!