Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 20 - Knock 'Em Down - full transcript

Jay agrees to sub on Cam's bowling team, not knowing it's an all-gay league. Phil and Claire finally bond with their neighbors over an offensive statue. Gloria and Mitchell agree to a night out with Haley to prove they're not too old.

[ knock on door ]

Hey, dad.

What do you think of the picture
on my new Costco card?

Wow, you've never put your
actual face that close to mine.

- Jay thinks that --
- Bup, bup, bup, bup. Let him answer.

Uh... okay, you look good.

This looks nothing like me!

Maybe 'cause
you're not yelling in it.

I look at this, and I'm like,

"what the hell?
Where's the sparkle?

Where's the guy that scored
the winning touchdown

and was carried off
by his team?"

This guy looks like he was
carried off by the current.


I have half a mind

to cut this up
and never go back there.

Maybe you can use
one of the scissors

from the eight-pack
that we bought.

Hey, Jay, you feeling it?

You ready
to knock down some pins?

Oh, great.

Gray and wrinkled,
like my tired puss.

It's my league finals,

and Jay agreed to fill in
for our star bowler, Maurice,

who's recovering
from a groin pull.

An actual groin pull,
not the party on Fire Island.

I don't know, Cameron.

I'm -- I'm really
not feeling it tonight.

Well, you better
start feeling it soon.

We need to win

so I can stick it
to that smug Martin Sherman.

Who's Martin Sherman?

Only my archrival.

I thought your rival was
that blond Christmas caroler.

No, it's the Spanish teacher
at his school.

Well, C-Cam
has lots of rivals,

especially if you count
that bag boy.

I told you --
Never say his name.

I didn't say his name.
I don't even know his name.

It's Todd.

Always putting my canned goods
on top of my produce.

I'd like to squash his squash.

Okay, let's go. Hopefully, we
won't be out too late tonight.

- We will! - Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah, right.

$10 says you guys will be
home in bed before we are.

No, no, no, no, no.

You two will be sleeping,

and Gloria and Haley and I
will still be dancing.

This one?
Joe tucks her in.

How would you know?

You go to bed right after
you get mad at the news.

Yeah, it's you two
that are keeping us down,

but not tonight.

Tonight, we are going out big.

[ Imitating drumbeat ]
Oh, yeah!

Yes, you're very hip.

That's the theme song
to "The Antiques Roadshow."

He's right.

- Mm.
- That's embarrassing.

Great house, huh?

And you can't beat the location,

mainly 'cause I live
right there.

[ Laughter ]

We love the house.


But I could never live
across the street

from that pornographic statue.

Oh! Huh!
I never noticed it.


You could see it from inside
when you look out the window.

Oh, I didn't -- uh, are you
talking about that one?

It's quite large.

I'll take your word for it.

I've had this listing
for two months,

and I can't move it because of
the statue across the street.

It's called "Marble with wood,"

and let's just say
it's made entirely of marble.

We've got to do something
about this. It's obscene.

That's what they said
about "The catcher in the rye"

- when it first came out.
- You're not helping.

Why don't we just knock on
the door and talk to him?

- I tried.
- Yeah, the guy's a jerk.

I told him how much
it bothered us.

It only seemed to please him.
[ Sighs ]

I'm not gonna lie --

It makes me feel bad
about my body.

I don't feel comfortable
letting my kids play out here.

- Our kids.
- Paul, please.

Art is subjective.
Some people would love this.

- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Claire: Here they come.

The statue.

Ohh, god, we hate that thing.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I didn't make my money
to move to a neighborhood

where they put something
like that on the street.

Porn belongs on a big screen
in the bedroom

or your phone in the bathroom.

Kids, go play.

Well... what are you gonna do?


Guess we'll just get used
to ignoring it.

- Claire: I just wish he was more concerned
with being a better neighbor. - Yeah.

Amen to that.


Hey, we were just
about to grab dinner.

You guys want to join us?

What's that?

I said, you guys
want to go to dinner?

How's that?

If you guys
don't want to, that's fine.

- No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- No.

A-are you saying no?

- You know what?
- Mm...

- Sure, why not?
- Of course.

All right! Great!

- Claire: Yeah.
- We'll meet you out front. 15. I'll drive.

Oh, Claire, just so
our outfits don't clash,

I'll be wearing lizard.

Ah, shoot.
Well, I'll find something.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Oh, don't you just love it --
The crash of the pins,

the smell
of the rental-shoe spray?

Yeah, it does kind of
get the blood going.

Oh, one small detail --

This is an all-gay
bowling league,

so I told everyone
you're all gay.


You have to be gay to play.

- Let's go meet the guys.
- Unh-unh.

Forget it.
Not doing it.

Jay, we need you.

No one's gonna believe I'm gay.

Oh, why, because you're
not flouncy enough?

Jay, that's offensive.

There's all kinds of gays.

You've got your Broadway gays,
your gym gays,

your twinks, your bears,
your otters,

your "hey, girl" gays.

You've got your pups,
your cubs, your chubs.

And most prominently,
you've got your

never-know-are-gay gays.

- What the hell is an otter?
- Lane 20. White pants.

Look, you don't have to
do anything differently.

Just... be yourself.
You're gay enough.

Hello, Cameron.

I thought I smelled failure
and cheap hair spray.

Oh, hello, Martin.
You're looking unwell.

Could you do that thing
you did last year where you lose

and then you
try and throw a chair

but not realize it's bolted down
and wrench your back

and then curse at me

while I wave a trophy in
your big, red face, could you?

[ Laughs ] Oh, boy, look at you.
You're all worked up.

It must have been a tough day

that Jo-Ann fabrics.

It's a Michael's, and you know
it, you son of a bitch!

Fine. I'll do it.
I don't like that guy.

But what happens if
somebody I know comes in here

and thinks
I'm living a secret life?

Jay, trust me, if someone
you know comes in here tonight,

they're living a secret life.

- You make a point.
- Okay, let's meet the guys. Guys!


I am in the best mood.

My Uber driver looked
just like Adam Driver.

You guys ready to party?

- Yeah, let's go!
- Where?

- Out. Let's do this.
- Mm-hmm.

It's 8:30. The doors don't even
open for another hour.

Well, then,
what are you doing here?


Mojitos and Cosmos --

The drinks of your peoples.
[ Chuckles ]

All right, let's get crazy.
[ Chuckles ]

I'll uncover the cheese.

So, we'll meet my friends
outside the club at like 10:30.

- 10:30? - Yeah, the band
doesn't go on until midnight.


Okay, if you guys
can't hear me now,

we're gonna have
some real problems at the club.

- No problem.
- No, we're good. We're good.

I hope I can be as cool
as you guys in 30 years.

Does she think we're 50?

No, no, she's just
really bad at math.

Two strikes in a row!

Familiarize yourself
with the exit

because somebody's on fire!

- Okay, Jay, you're up.
- All right, Jay.

Let's get that first strike.

Keep your eye on the prize.

Imagine taking
that bad boy home tonight.



I'm sorry.
I'm just off my game tonight.

You got this.

Who's your new guy?

He's my husband's uncle.

Oh, you look confused.

A husband
is somebody who loves you

that you don't have to pay.

Damn it!

That guy is not gay.

I could have you
disqualified, you know.

Of course he's gay.

I'm never wrong.

My gaydar is highly sensitive.

For instance, I have to
move it away from you right now

before it explodes.

I'm keeping an eye on Uncle Jay.

- Okay, Jay --
- Don't worry. I'll pick up the spare.

No, no, no,
we got bigger problems.

Um... Martin's onto us.

You need to flounce it up
a little bit.

But you said
that was offensive, remember?

The otters
and weasels and stuff.

Okay, you know
what's more offensive?

Martin winning.

So, we need to get you lighter
in those rental loafers.

What gave me away?

I'm not handsome enough.
Is that it?

Insecure and superficial --

It's a great start.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

- Should we order a bottle of wine?
- Yes.

Oh, no need.

Ronnie brought
this big daddy from home.

- Yeah. Guy.
- Wow.

Hey. Guy.

Oh, Ronnie, I'm sure
he has a real name.

Yeah, it's Guy.

Mr. and Mrs. Lafontaine,
so nice to see you again.

- Hey, guy.
- Hi, I'm guy. Pleasure.

- Hi, guy.
- Hi.

Oh. Very nice.

2002 Harlan.
What are we celebrating tonight?

Well, uh,
we're finally having dinner

with our next-door neighbors.

Well, you must be
very good neighbors.

- That's so nice.
- Thank you.

Oh, don't mention it.

- It's nice to have you guys here.
- Yeah. - Mm.

So, how are the kids?

Um... uh, good.
It's a little intense right now.

Uh, Alex is freaking out about
where she's gonna go to college,

and we're freaking out
it's gonna be on the East Coast.

- Oh, yeah. Well, we get that.
- We --

R.J.'s going to New York soon.

I think I'm gonna cry harder

than the day I found out
I was pregnant with him.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, what's R.J.
got going on in New York?

Well, we wanted him
to go to college for business,

but he wants to do his music.

- Ohhh.
- So, long story short,

he's going to Juilliard.


For piano.

- Oh.
- Well, mostly for his composing.

Kid can't hit the toilet,

but he wakes up
with symphonies in his head.


There we are.
Would you like to taste?

- Oh, yeah.
- That's a $500 bottle of wine.

That's like 100 bottles
of your wine.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Yeah, let 'er rip.

Oh, I'm ready!
[ Laughter ]

Oh, damn it!

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, come on, Cam.
Admit it.

Uncle Jay not gay.

Oh, my god.
You could not be more wrong.

Look, okay.

If he's acting a little weird,

it's just because...

He totally likes you.

[ Chuckling ]
No, he doesn't!

What did he say?

Okay, look, he -- he -- he
didn't want me to say anything

because he's shy.

That's why
he's being so awkward.

Cam, you're up.

I'm up.

I got to go.

Hey, there.

This is for you.

Oh. Thanks.

And this...

Is for a little zing.

We do love zing.

[ Chuckles ]

Be right back.

Be right here.

Why is that guy
being so nice to me?

Well, there's been a-a new
little twist in the evening.

And now there's one in my beer.
What's up?

I told him you
have a crush on him.

- Why would you do that?
- I had no choice.

Well, you tricked me into coming
here, you made me gay,

now I have a boyfriend.

All these lies
just to win a trophy?


I respect that.

[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone dings ]

Oh, those are my friends.

- They're out front dropping
off our wristbands. - Mitchell: Oh.

- What comes before part "B"?
- Hmm?

[Part "a"]

[ Laughter ]

[ Yawns ]

Oh, my god. I've been
holding that in for an hour.

Gloria, I'm not gonna make it.

You have to.

We talked so big to Cam and Jay
that if we don't go out,
You have to.

We talked so big to Cam and Jay
that if we don't go out,

they're never
gonna let us live it down.


[ Yawns ]

Or we could
just blow it off, man.

No, Gloria, come on, come on.

- Get up, get up. Come on,
come on, come on. - Ay.

Staying up all night --
It's in your blood.

- You come from the land
of coffee and cocaine! - Mm...

You too! Nobody likes to dance
more than the gays.

Pretend you're on a float.

- Dancing. That's it. That's a good idea.
- Okay, dancing. Dancing.

I'm gonna
turn on some music here.

[ Dance music plays ]

This is good.

Oh, my "raise the roof"
elbow's a little sore.

- Ay.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that must mean rain.

[ Laughter ] Oh, my god. Your kids
give you that look, too?

Yeah, I swear I can't remember

what their actual faces
look like.

[ Laughter ]

This is fun.
Isn't this fun?

To think it just took us
hating the same statue

to bring us together.

What a world it could be
if people would just hate more.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, what are we gonna do
about that thing, huh?

It's not right that a guy like
you can't even get his job done.

Well, we could start a petition.

- Yeah, or we could talk
to our city councilman. - Yep.

Or... how about this?

We take a rope,
we tie it around the statue,

attach it
to the back of my truck,

and drag it to the nearest dump.

[ Laughs ]

Love that. [ Laughs ]

I'm serious.

- Uh, we can't do that.
- No.

Why not?
We got tons of rope.

Availability of rope
isn't really the issue here.

It's -- it's
destruction of property.

- It's against the law.
- Yeah.


Ronnie, we live in
a civilized society.

We're not those kinds
of people, you know?

Says the lady who, uh,

paired my Cabernet with fish.

So, is there anything else
I can get you?

Nope. I think, uh,
we've had enough.

And that means two things.

I'm not done.

All right! Like the music!

You guys really know h--

I'm not getting
good rotation tonight.

Certainly made my head spin.

Oh, what can I say to that?
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, can I ask you something?

What do you think
of that picture?

Doesn't look a thing like you.

Exactly what I've been saying.

Not the man sitting next to me.

The rugged good looks...

[ Chuckles ]

Broad shoulders...

Piercing blue eyes.
[ Chuckles ]

Hell, you're --
You're somewhere between

Kevin Costner
and Channing Tatum.

Who wouldn't
want to be between them, huh?

[ Both laugh ]

Okay, Jay, you're up.

Thank you, Martin.
I needed that.

Any time.


There's the real Jay!


You know it!


[ Keys clank ]
Where is the baby?!

I'm up. I'm up.

Hey, when did you get back?

Like an hour ago.

[ Yawning ]
Oh, really?

I must have grabbed
a little disco nap.

I don't know what that means.

You sure you guys
are up for this?

- Yeah, definitely, definitely.
[ Yawning ] - Of course.

Why don't we go dancing
another time, like daytime?

Oh, you know, well,
I'm pretty full of cheese, so --

No, no.

If we don't go out now,

this is not about
Cam and Jay making us old,

it means we are old.

This is about pride.

We need to prove that we
can still go out and have fun.

Are you with me, Mitch?!


- Yes, I am!
- Okay.

- All right, let's go.
- Okay.

Can we get
some coffee on the way?

- No coffee!
- No coffee!

Oh, yes, baby!

Cameron: Our team had really
found its groove.

We quickly eliminated

- the Pinafores and Alley of the dolls...
- Man: Yes!

Putting us in
the finals against my archrival.

Oh, yes!
[ Cheers and applause ]

In the tradition
of Red Sox/Yankees, Ali/Frazier,

it all came down

to the Britney Spares
vs. Martin and his merry men.

[ Heroic music plays ]

That's what I'm talking about!

[ Cheers and applause ]

The tension was building...

Could somebody please take these
fries before I eat them all?

And emotions were running high.

Um, so, Jay, I just, um --

I just wanted to say
that whatever happens,

it was, uh,
r-really nice meeting you.

Well, you too, Martin.

Uh, d-do -- wondering --
I don't know,

w-w-would you like
to have dinner sometime

- or maybe hang out or-- or something
like that? - Oh, geez. You know what,

- I'm -- I'm -- I'm really,
really flattered-- - Okay, I get it.

- No, no, it's not --
- No, no, I get it, totally.

No, it's okay. I understand.
Thank you very much! Good luck!

And just like that,
Martin fell apart.

[ Heroic music plays ]

By the last frame,
it was all up to Jay.

[ Muffled ] Okay, Jay,
we only need six pins!

I don't think
it's gonna be six, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We won! We won!

This is the fifth-happiest
moment of my life!

Adopting Lily,
marrying Mitchell,

football championship

[voice breaking] and sitting
behind Sarah Jessica Parker

at "Wicked."

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

All right!



Let's do this!
Let's do this!

Let's do this!

I can't do this.

Me either.

We're almost 50!

[ Claire sighs ]

The ride home,
while less than a mile long,

was interminable.

Whatever bridges
had been built were burned,

like my fish was,

which is why red wine was a --

Hey, honey, you don't
have to defend yourself.

When it comes to wine,
this woman doesn't see color.

She'll drink whatever's
put in front of her.

Oh, great.

They put lights on it.
[ Amber scoffs ]
Oh, great.

They put lights on it.
[ Amber scoffs ]

Stop the car.

We have to tear that thing down.
They're right.

It's the only way.

- What?
- Now you're talking!

There's the girl

that I occasionally
have sex dreams about.

Yeah, that's true.
He told me.

- No, no, no. This is crazy.
- Claire: Yes.

- Don't do this.
- How many months do you want to spend

trying to fight through
some bureaucratic red tape

to get that thing taken down

- only to be told there's
nothing we can do? - Oh, no.

Stay in the car.

Stay in the car!

- What do we do?
- Here, take that. Put it around.

- Through the loop.
- Yeah, I do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tie it down.

It's too short.
I got to back the truck up.

- No!
- No!

Phil, what are you doing?
Come on. Open the door.

- I can't allow this to happen!
- Come on, man.

I'm a respected member
of the community!

I'm on bus benches!

- You're such a boy scout!
- Open the door. Open the door.

I want that thing gone as much
as anyone, but not like this.

I'm gonna take this truck.

I'm gonna go get some fro-yo.

I suggest you use the walk home
to calm down.

Once you have,
you're gonna thank me.

Claire: Phil. Oh, my god!
You're going back--

Thank you!
[ Gasps ]

Phil: I thought I was in drive!



We were awesome tonight, guys.

Do you think we're good enough
to take on the lesbians?

Oh, god, no.
[ Chuckles ]

One more round on me.

[ Chuckles ]

Good match, Martin.

Oh. You too, Jay.


I hope I didn't
throw off your game at all.

No. That's all me.
I do that.

I get ahead of myself.

Create expectations,
build them up.

Don't worry about me.
I'm going to see a life coach.

It is going
to change everything.

Well, listen, I wasn't feeling
great about myself tonight,

and you helped get me
out of that funk.

And it wouldn't be right

for me to let you
leave feeling bad.

You're a great guy,

and the reason
I turned you down is because...

[ Chuckles ]

It's much harder
to say out loud than I thought.


I'm not gay.

You're straight?

Who's what?
What's happening?

Whoa, it feels good
to finally tell someone.

For four hours,

I've been living in fear
that I'd be found out.

Do you have any idea
what that feels like?


Jay, thank you
for admitting that.

You are a real class act.


You lose!

Give me that! That's mine!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, champions!
[ Laughter ]

We're champions again!

Let me out!
Oh, my god!

Guess what, Jay.

You're my new archrival.

[ Cheering ]

Oh, my god!

I feel terrible.

[ Chuckles ] - You're too good, boy scout.
[ Laughing ] - Yeah.

That's why you need
people like us around.

Admit it --
You're happy it's gone.

I'm happy it's gone,
but it's weird we're out here

instead of inside
with the lights off.

It's called
hiding in plain sight.

We just sit here and act
like we got nothing to hide,

and they won't suspect a thing.

Folks, I need to ask you
a couple of questions.

Someone said they heard a big
truck run over that statue.

What? Well, we wouldn't know
anything about that

because we were at dinner.

Mind if I take a look
at your truck?

Hey, Buddy.

Oh, don't call a cop "buddy."
They hate that.

No, that's his name.
I sold him a condo.

- Phil?
- Yeah, Buddy. [ Chuckles ]

The four of us were at dinner.
I can vouch for it.

If you're looking
to solve a crime,

this one here
had red wine with fish.

Oh, I did. I did.
[ Laughter ]

Sorry to bother you.
You folks have a good night.

You too.
[ Chuckles ]

No more boy scout.

Looks like you're sleeping
with an outlaw tonight.

[ Amber chuckles ]

Uh, we're in.


No, no, I was talking to Claire.

Are you saying
you're not attracted to us?

- No, no, no...
- No, no, no...

- No.
- No.

It's unbelievable.

Mom and dad are sitting outside

with the neighbors
they used to hate

yukking it up
like they're all best friends.

And why?

Because there's wine?

Because of art.

That statue that was so offensive
provoked a conversation.

That's what art does.

- It brings people together.
- Even if it's gross?

One person's gross is
another person's beautiful.

That's really powerful.

Do you think that this
could bring people together?

It's a self portrait of
"my junk."

Never speak to me again.