Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Don't Push - full transcript

Phil, Luke, and Haley cause nothing but aggravation for Alex when they tag along on her tour of Caltech. Jay and Gloria have trouble finding the perfect gifts for their anniversary.

Okay. We're almost ready here.

Okay. Now, easy on the filters, Cam.

It's a family picture.
We don't need sepia tone.

You know what
other tone we don't need?

Play nice.


We are taking a new photo
for above our mantel.

Lily's not in the one
up there now,

and we... started to get
the slight impression that...

it was bothering her.

Lily, we're ready for dinner, sw--

Big smiles!

- Great.
- Great.

Let's take a look.

Not bad.

Not bad.

- Let's shake out our faces.
- Really?

Who took the online course?
Shake 'em out.

Yep. That's perfect.

1... 2...

- Chee-e-e-se!
- Chee-e-e-se!

Okay. Great!

Okay, um, Mitchell,

- can I see you over here, please?
- Yeah.

Hang tight, sweetie.


Why is she doing
that with her face?

I don't know.
I've never seen

such a weird, forced smile.

How do I look?

- Beautiful.
- Perfect.

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Wow! What an amazing campus!

I mean, look at these cool buildings.

And did you guys see the turtles?

And check this out --

a reflecting pond.

Great. Maybe you can see
how crazy you're being right now.

God, I wish I'd brought a frisbee.

What's so special?

It looks exactly
like the college I went to.

And we've been here

exactly as long
as you were there.

Luke, be nice.

Well, Alex is leaving.

Somebody's got to keep
the trains running.

Back me up here, guys.

This place screams "Alex," right?

It looks like every other
college in America.

What am I missing?

Good grades, S.A.T. scores,
basic verbal skills.

That's how you do it.

CalTech is the perfect school.

For Claire.

And Alex! Come on,
we are talking about

one of the best schools
in the country.

And, yes, it happens to be
45 minutes from our house.

Of course, we'll support her
wherever she goes.

Nothing is more important to me

than her academic whatever,

but with Alex,

the important thing
is keeping her close

for the next four years.

After that,
I'm never gonna see her

unless she Skypes
me from Neptune,

where she's living
in a biodome she invented.

Awesome! That means
Christmas on Neptune!

Every other year?

No, no.

All right, everyone,
gather 'round.

We'll be starting the tour
in just a moment.

Okay. I'm gonna peel off
and hit the robotics lab

to see how close they are
to a working female.

Hold on.

They're not nearly
as close as you'd hope,

and you're not leaving my side.

But it's so boring.

It's like I'm being punished.

You are being punished.

That's what happens
when your teacher calls

to tell me you cut class.

I'm sorry. I lost track
of time making my movie.

Hummingbirdman --

a superhero whose heart can beat
a thousand times a minute.

But can it love?

Check it --
there's a lab on campus

where they do experiments
on you for 50 bucks.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to do
a lot of these in college.

Sometimes it's questions.

Sometimes they hook
stuff up to you.

Sometimes it's just palling
around with a monkey,

wondering why they're
rewarding him and not you.

Well, that sounds great.
You should go do that.

I'll go.

I'm up for it as long as
they don't shave anything.

Hey, I'd love the 50 bucks,

but I'm pretty sure
mom wants me here.

No, I don't. You can go.

Oh, you can drop the act.

I know you guys
forced me to come here

so I can watch Alex

and get all inspired
by college again.

We really didn't.

Yeah, you just got in the car.

I only packed four sandwiches.

Happy anniversary, Jay!

I don't love this tableau.

Is that Gloria's gift to me?

What is it?

I don't know.

Sure you do.
I can tell by the wrap job.

She can't make
corners like this, Manny!

Only because she's
always in such a hurry.

Is life so busy
you can't take 20 minutes

to get out the straight-edge
and wrap a gift anymore?

Come on. I'm a little anxious
about my gift for her.

It would make me
feel a lot better

if I knew she phoned
this one in.

Sorry, Jay.
Only time will tell.

Oh, God.

It's that black Panerai watch
I wanted, isn't it?!

Why can't you be this fast when
I'm your charades partner?

Hola, my loves!

You didn't see me.
Keep her out of the garage.

What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna talk to her.

I've been photographing
her for years.

We have a relationship.

Really? What's she like?

I mean a professional relationship.

Look, I'm gonna tell her --

her smile is forced,
it's unnatural,

and we're not going home
until we get what we need.

Couple of things --

we are home,
and that's mean.

What's your suggestion?

We show her the photos

and let her discover
her weird smile on her own.

Okay. That's good.

I video our football games

so I can see what
we're doing wrong.

That's how I figured out

that powder-blue windbreaker
washed me out so much.

Oh, thank God.
I'm sure the team appreciated that.

- Lily, sweetheart, will you
come here for a second? - Yep.

Let's do this gently, okay?

Hi, sweetheart.

Okay. So, daddy and I thought

that we would look
at these photos together,

the pictures that
we've taken so far,

and see if there's anything
that we would do differently.

Like, okay,
when I look at this photo,

I think, "I could
stand up straighter."

- Yeah.
- Cam?

Okay. I think I could be

a little less "Ryan Gosling"

and a little more "every man."

Lily, is there anything
that you see in yourself

that you would want
to change here?

Well, maybe we should
just do one more?

Really? Okay.

This might need a little powder.

- Uh, Jay?
- Hey!

Your wife's upstairs.

You don't have to hide
in the garage anymore.

I'm not hiding.

Close the door, will you?

How bad is the gift
you bought her?

I didn't buy her anything.

Bad idea.

I once gave her
a bag full of hugs,

and she definitely prefers stuff.

It's not hugs.

Does that sound like me?

I made her something
in my pottery class.

I can't believe you took
a pottery class.

You're not the only one
around here with an artsy side.

Yeah, I could've bought her
another piece of jewelry,

but I thought, you know,
she might like this a little more,

coming from the heart and all.

Well, show it to me.
What is it?

What is it?

It's a bunny.

It used to be my nickname for her.

On our first date,
she had a cold,

and she was sniffling a lot,

and her nose would
wrinkle up real cute --

you know, like a bunny.

That's so sweet.

Yeah, but that watch
is big and gorgeous

and costs big bucks.

I can't give her something handmade.
I mean, she --

She's not sensitive like you and me.

Listen to me.

I think you went to the
jewelry store inside here,

and you brought back a gem.

Knock it off.

You think so?

She's gonna love it.
It's perfect.

Perfect? Nah.

But teacher Pablo did say
it shows great promise.

And I am proud of the tail.

Look at that.

No, no, I said look.


And this building is home
to one of our five Nobel laureates

currently teaching here.

It also houses our high-current,

high-stability particle accelerator.

Okay. You need to calm down.

This is a college tour,

not Oprah's favorite things.

I am just so impressed
by this place. Aren't you?

Of course I am.

It's one of the most prestigious
tech schools in the country.

But if you must know,

I don't love everything about it.

Oh, the mascot's a beaver.

Don't worry.
Those jokes will get old.

No, they won't, because
I'm not coming here.

Honestly, the only reason
I took this tour today

is so you won't accuse me of

not giving it a fair shot.

Why wouldn't you
want to go here?

I can't believe
you're making me say this...

It's too close to home.

I have to get away from you guys
for a little bit, okay?

All right. We're gonna
check out the dorms.

Parents, say goodbye
to your children.


I should go.

Mom, wait!

Honey, it's okay.

We all say things that
we don't mean sometimes.

Low blood sugar.
I need my sandwich.



All right.
You can please wait here,

and the experiment
will begin shortly.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.

What do you guys
think this is gonna be?

I bet they'll show us
those ink blots

that always look
like two girls kissing.

A little tip from an old pro --

they can electrify cheese, so...

Hey, look at that.

"Do not push."

What are you doing?

Teaching this button
a little something about free will.

Luke, it says, "do not push."

Which just makes me
want to push it more.

Haley, back me up.

Push it, don't push it.
I don't care.

Is this mirror weird?
I look fuzzy.

Who puts up a button

with a sign that says
you can't push it?

The same people
who stack the deck

so the monkey always wins...


What are you talking about?

We're not waiting
for the experiment.

This is the experiment!

They're watching us right now!

Wait. What?


- Okay. Good.
- All right. Let's take a look.

Oh! Beautiful.

Okay. She looks
like Pepper's pomeranian.

We have to say something.

What's going on?
Why are we still doing this?

Honey, daddy and I
think you are a beautiful girl

with a beautiful smile.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I'm seeing that here, okay?

But I'm just not seeing it here.

What do you mean?

Uh, well, uh...

Lily, you're doing
a different smile today.

Different how?

It's just a little... stiff.

Is it ugly?

It's not ugly. No.

It's, uh -- it, um...


Uh, well, s-sweetie, um,

it's just not your normal smile,
which is so beautiful.

You mean I'm not beautiful?

No, that's not what we're saying.

Just forget it!
I don't want to do this anymore!

I'm an ugly monster,

and I'm never coming out
of my room again!

Okay. Well, that was a disaster.

Agreed. But can I just say

I love how melodramatic
she's getting?

So fantastic.

- The little...
- I know.

There she is.

Hi, mi amor.
Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary, honey.

I hope you like this.

What did you get me?

What did you get me?

It's a bunny, mom.

It's a little rough
around the edges,

but I'm just hoping you'll love
what I put into it.

Oh, you put something inside?!

I don't get it.
There's nothing inside.

Yeah, that's, uh...
'Cause, um...

The damn stupid jeweler
didn't put the bracelet in there.

The rose gold with the waves
that I told you that I loved?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.


No, it's fine, Manny.

I can run down to the store
right now and get it.

Stupid jeweler!

Ay, Jay, don't scream at him.

It was an honest mistake.

Yeah, in his heart,

he was probably trying
to do the right thing.

And past the Millikan library,

you'll find the bridge annex,

which is also the same site

that Carl D. Anderson
discovered the...?


Anyone else?

- Positron.
- Positron.

That's right.

In 1932...

On August 2nd...

On the third floor.


I-I don't know.
Maybe I just wanted to win.

I'm Jason.


Is this your first-choice school?

No, I'm thinking M.I.T..

That's weird.

I live just half an hour from there.

Which explains why
you want to go here.

I live here, and I want to go
somewhere on the East Coast.

I'd love to be close to home.

Sunday dinners, laundry,

make sure my brother
doesn't mess with

my hand-painted
civil war miniatures...

Which I don't cherish.

So why not M.I.T.?

Well, for applied physics,
this is the better program,

and I'm not gonna make
the biggest decision of my life

based off where my parents live.

Okay, then.

Did that... sound judgey?

I'm not really good
at talking to pretty girls.

I -- well, I have
a touch of Asperger's.

No, I don't.

I just said that so you'd think
I was interesting.

I was... just sorta hoping
you'd be going here.


Did my mother
put you up to this?

Does your mom
tell boys to flirt with you?

Oh. You're -- you're --
you're flirting with me.

I mean, I don't mean
to sound so surprised.

A lot of boys flirt with me.

Not a lot. Some.

Actually, one of them
has Asperger's.

He could tell you the weather
on the day you were born.

Okay. Well, I don't know
why I said that.

The point is, I am single,
by my own choosing, so...

Oh, my God!

I am fine! I'm fine!
Everything's fine!

I have to push it.

It's all I can think of.

Just let him push it.
Who cares?

No one is touching this button!

Don't you see?

This is a test of character

to see if we're the kind
of people with self-control

or the kind who just grab
at any piece of cheese

that's put in front of them.

Don't you want
to know what it does?

"Want to know what it does"?

Of course I do.
It's killing me.

But what I want more

is for you to learn
to follow the rules.

Is this about me
skipping class again?

It's weird how obsessed
you are with that.

Now let me push that button!


If you can't even
pass a simple test,

how are you ever gonna get
in to a good college?

Or hold down a job?
We only have one basement.

There's no place
for you to move

when your life bottoms out!


Dad, I cut that class

because I had to get
one last shot for my movie.

You would've done
the same thing.

Oh, my God!

You're not mad at me.

You're mad at yourself
because I'm just like you.

Total shot in the dark.

You're right --
I set a terrible example for you.

No! It was awesome!

Do you think Steve Jobs
followed every rule?

Doug Henning?

Keep talking.

What about that guy
who lived in that town

where people
weren't allowed to dance?

Did Footloose follow the rules?

His name was Ren,
and he most certainly did not.

Maybe that's what those
scientists are looking for --


You know what?

Who gives a hoot what
those bastards want?

No offense.

We're gonna break every rule,
and we're pushing that button!


Back away from the button!

What are you doing?

I've been breaking
the rules my entire life,

and look where it's gotten me.

I live in my parents' basement!

I'm sick of being
a failure at everything!

Oh, my God!

You're not mad at us.

You're mad at yourself.

That's what I'm saying!

Where were you?

Consoling Jay.

That bunny wasn't the only thing
you shattered, lady.

When you first started dating him,

what was his nickname for you?

Sexy pants.

The other one.


Oh, so that's why he put
the bracelet inside the bunny.

There was no bracelet.

The bunny was the present.


He made it for you himself.


In a pottery class
he's been taking for weeks.


And you smashed it
on the counter.

And he was too embarrassed
to say anything.


I can't take it!

Glue! Okay, give me glue!

I need glue!

Make it stop!

Haley, put down the chair.

Why should I?!

Because this is getting absurd,

and it's no fun being laughed at

by a room full of scientists
and a monkey in a diaper.

We need to push that button,

show those eggheads
that we're not sheep!

No! Breaking the rules
doesn't make you a hero!

It makes you a screw-up!

Take it from me, Luke --

one out of a million dropouts

becomes Steve Jobs.

Do you know who become
losers with no jobs?

The other 99,000!

Honey, you are not a loser.

Oh, please.

I hear the shots
you all take at me.

I see my sister
about to lap me

at a college that I would
never be able to get into.

Even someone as dumb as me

can see that I'm a giant failure!

Haley, stop, okay?

Haley, let me tell you something --

you have value,
talent, and potential

that their tests can't measure.

Who cares if you don't fit
into their little box.

You're finding your way.

That's what your 20s are for --

to take chances...

To -- to make mistakes
and to learn from them,

and you are learning from them.

The fact that you won't push
this button proves that.

That was really sweet, dad.

I can't believe
I was gonna hit you

over the head with that chair.

Wait. So now we're not
pushing the button?

No. We're supporting Haley.

For the rest of your life.

That is not helpful.

We need to stick together.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's what this test is.

It's not about whether
we push the button

or don't push the button.

You want to find out
if this unites us or divides us.

Let's join hands

and send these sons of bitches

and their filthy monkey a message!

Feels good.

Wait a minute.

How are they gonna know
we're sending them a message

if we're not doing anything?

That's true.

We have to hit that button.

Damn straight.


Who did that?

We did...

as a family.

Did you not see the sign?

Now the A.C. won't shut off.
We have to call a guy.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this...

what if, uh...

Yeah, building full of scientists

and no one thought
to push the button twice.

Please use number 2 pencils.

Yeah, just wall.

So this is the... test.

I got that cleared up
with the jeweler.

Boy, was he embarrassed.

What's that?

Is that my bunny?

No. I am your bunny.

Jay, I don't want
that bracelet anymore.

This is the most amazing gift
you have ever given me.

You--you--you like it?

I love it.

And putting it back together

made me realize how much
work you put into it.

Well, it--it's all in the details, really.

The bunny was in the clay.

I just had to find it.

Now I'm going
to give you yours.

I think it's about that time.

And this would be, um...

a bookmark made of movie tickets

from the first movie
we ever saw together.

I-I-I love it.

It's the kind of thing
I'd never get for myself.


This is what we should
always do for each other--

thoughtful, handmade gifts.

We get too caught up in--
in material possessions.

Ah, we got too much stuff.

Return this first thing tomorrow.

Yeah, and I'm gonna return
the watch that I bought you.

Dinner's ready!

So, is that the rose gold
bracelet that I wanted?

Dynamite piece of jewelry.

And that watch--

is that the ceramic with the 10-day,
uh, power reserve?

Of course.
It's so sexy, that watch.

Yeah, the matte finish

doesn't always catch the sun
and blind you like this one.

It's so interesting, 'cause I love
shiny things on my wrist.

Oh, for God sakes,
just keep the stupid gifts.


Hey, it's me.

I think Cam and I
made a huge mistake.

Oh, I get it.
Marriage is tough.

Just take a deep breath

and go flirt with somebody
at the grocery store.

No, about Lily.

We're trying to take
this new family picture,

and she's doing
this weird smile thing...

And you said something?

Uh, well, let's--
let's just say Cam did.

First of all,
all kids go through this.

You should see every picture

we have of Luke
from third grade.

He looks like he's mid-sneeze,
which is a shame,

'cause I was having
a great boob year.

What did you do?

I think it might've been the birth control
I was taking, but...

No, come on. About Luke!

Oh! Nothing.
We didn't do anything.

Mitchell, I say this with love,

but when you became a parent,

I knew this was gonna be
a problem for you

'cause you like
to control everything.

Good lord. What would
that sound like without love?

Bottom line--
It's all gonna work itself out.

But if you push her on it,

she's just gonna push you away.

Oh, my God.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

As you know,
our acceptance rate is 8%,

so in the fall, I look forward
to seeing one out of...

- 12.5.
- 12.5.


So... not him.

Well, I guess this is it, M.I.T..

Uh, when you visit Boston,
look me up...


Okay, sweetie.

Uh, t-that's my last name--
Jason Darling.

Oh, well, Alex Dunphy--

"P-H" not "F",

"Y" not "E-E".


Why am I still talking?

All right.


There you are.

Listen, honey, I am so sorry
about pushing so hard earlier.

If anyone is able
to make a smart decision

about where to go
to school, it's you.

Even if that school
is all the way

on the other side
of the country.

Actually, there's
a lot to like here.


That's cool.


I guess there's somebody
around here

she's not ready
to say goodbye to.

He friended me!

Okay, come on,
we have something to show you.

Is it dinner, or is my mouth
too ugly to put food in?

Okay, no.

And please don't say things
like that about yourself.

You picked one?

We sure did,

and we're sorry
we made you feel bad.

We just weren't used
to your new smile,

but now we are,
and we love it!

Yes, it's beautiful,
and you're beautiful,

and we don't want to change
a single thing about you.

Except maybe your underpants.

Okay, where did
that laugh come from?

I don't know, but it's gotta go.

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Resync for WEB-DL by gabrielmanipula

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