Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Day We Almost Died - full transcript

It was an uneventful morning... quiet.

- [Indistinct arguing] - Instead of
saving every episode of "The Bachelor,"

why don't you just hit yourself
on the head with a sledgehammer?!

Dad, turn down that song!

- [Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For
That" plays] - ♪ no can do ♪

The kids had a Friday off of school,

so we picked up Manny and went
to our favorite pancake place...

Relaxing.

Mitchell, hi.

What?!

Oh, have him tell Cam



I'll pick him up for
racquetball in an hour.

I can't even hear him it's so loud.

- Can everybody just shut up?!
- I hate it.

[Music stops]

- Sorry about that. Anyway...
- [Cellphone ringing]

Hello.

Gil: Hello. Is this Phil dumpster?

What do you want, Gil?

Got to be kidding me. Hang on.

[Gil speaking indistinctly on telephone]

Alright, I need you to send a gift to mom

for her birthday from the both of us.

Mitchell: No, I did it last year.

I know, and I need you to do it again.



Look, I've got a conference call at 1:20.

Then Luke's tutor comes to the house,

2:45 sales meeting, and I still
got to get Alex to Judo.

And yet you somehow found
time to bitch at me.

Wow! You really can have it all.

Ugh. Honestly, just get her a
stupid gift card, you big baby!

Why does everything with
him have be so dramatic?

[All screaming]

[Breathing heavily]

Why are we stopping?

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey. Oh. Perfect.

Okay, first you berate me on the phone,

then you show up to my office
and berate me in per...

Oh, w-what is this?
I don't care for this.

We got in an accident.

Oh, my God!

We almost got in an accident.

That seems like a really
important distinction.

There was this big truck, and it
barreled through a stop sign,

and it missed our car by inches.

Oh, my God! And everyone's okay?

- Yes, just very shaken up.
- Aw.

But, Mitchell, I am so sorry
that I yelled at you before.

Look, I brought you the
birthday card for mom,

- and you can sign it.
- Okay. Thank you.

- "To our best friend."
- Mm.

That's a little sarcastic.
It's her birthday.

- I don't know.
- No, I mean it.

Mitchell, I almost died.

I want our mom to have a great birthday.

Oh, and we're doing this again.

- Okay.
- Oh, God. Yeah.

Hi. I'll be there in a sec, yeah.

[Cellphone chimes]

Okay, my deposition got moved up.

That's great.

So I'll just have to move everything...
you know what?

- I'm gonna eat in the car and then...
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Give it, give it!

Do you know what I was doing
right before I almost died?

Exactly what you're doing.

Humoring a relative?

No, no, scheduling my life
down to the last minute.

I mean, look at this...

- "Call New York office... 4:17 P.M."
- [Sighs]

Do you realize that everybody but us

rounds up to the nearest five minutes?

Today made me realize something, Mitchell.

No, I don't want to be
a 4:17 kind of person.

- Do you?
- Yes, I do.

'Cause that phone call
needs to be done by 4:23

so that I am not a dead man by 4:41.

Give me my phone.

- Nope. Nope. No.
- Give me... Claire.

We're gonna do something together.

Yes, take the rest of the day off.

- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.

I did!

Yeah, 'cause you work for your father.

- No, no, no, we need this, Mitchell.
- Hey, come on, give me my...

- We really need this.
- Claire, I'm really swamped today, and I...

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease...

Stop. Just go.

Pleeeeease can we slow down?

Ow! You're chafing my wrist.

Don't pretend you're not loving this.

Okay. All right. I think I just
skated through some pee.

- [Sighs]
- C-can we go back now?

- No!
- God.

No, because we are not
appointment-making control freaks.

We are having fun.

You are. I'm just doing
what you're making me do.

- [Sighs]
- Okay, okay, stop.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Let's go back, let's go
back, let's go back.

Why? Why do we have to go back now?

Why... oh, I get it. I get it.

You're still scared to skate
through the underpass.

What do you mean, "still"? What do
you mean, "scared"? What underpass?

Mitchell, you were 11 years old,

and mom made me take you with me

when I was skating with
my friend Sophie King,

and you were terrified to
go through the underpass

'cause it was dark, and you were
sure it was filled with monsters,

so we ditched you.

I don't remember this at all.

Yeah, I skated away and
called you a big baby.

Sophie threw a rock at me
and you yelled, "you're so gay."

[Gasps] I did do that.

Oh, didn't I?

We used to use that word a lot.

You used to be able
to call anything gay. Ugh.

Do you ever miss that?

- No.
- No.

That's hurtful.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Mitchell.

You were scared, and I
should've held your hand

through the tunnel, and I was...
I was not a good big sister.

I'm so sorry.
Will you forgive me?

- Yes, yes.
- You do?

- Yes! I forgive you.
- I love you.

- Love you, too.
- Love you!

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

- Let's do this.
- Yes, let's do this.

- Come on.
- What? What's happening?

No, no, no, we're going...
We're going through the tunnel.

No. God, no. No, no, no.

Oh, no, you got to get over this.

- No! All right. Okay.
- Just let yourself go.

Just let it go. Just... you know?
[Breathes deeply]

Yep. I'm good.

Uh, yeah, you got to get past it.

N-n-no. No, no! No! N-n-no! Claire, no!

N-n-no! N-no!

I felt bad when we got separated,

but I knew that when he skated

out the other side of that tunnel,

an emotional scar would've been healed.

Mitchell?! Mitchell?

No! N-no! N-n-no! N-no!

Oh, my God! What happened? What happened?

- It w... it was terrible!
- Yes.

- They took my wallet and my
skates and my tie. - No.

What... what homeless
person needs a tie?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry, Mitchell!

Okay, um... Can you
give me my phone?

'Cause I got to, you
know, cancel my cards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God.
I hope you have juice.

That thing has been
buzzing like crazy.

- Oh, God! Okay.
- Okay.

My meeting's been pushed up.
It's in 15 minutes.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Look at me. Look at me.

- Huh? Yeah.
- Hey, hey.

This is a test, and we don't
sweat the small stuff.

- Just let it go.
- Stop it! Stop it.

I know you think you
discovered the new you,

but you are controlling

even when you're trying
to not be controlling.

So j... give me your skates.

What? Why?

You've dragged me so far,
we're closer to my office

than we are to the car.

Take 'em off!

[Clicks tongue] He just wasn't ready.

But me?

I had a message for the small
stuff that used to rule my life.

Hey, Phil. Honey,
how you holding up?

Phil: Good.

So, I'm at the beach... Long story.

Anyway, I was hoping
you wouldn't mind waiting

at the house for Luke's tutor.

Actually, I would mind.
I'd mind quite a bit.

I'm kind of busy.

Okay, great.

Suck it, small stuff.

[All screaming]

Haley: [Breathing heavily]

Why are we stopping?

For many, a near-miss with
death is a wake-up call.

But when a man misses
his own near-miss,

he truly sees what he's been missing.

No more putting my dreams on hold.

Five years ago, I made a bucket list.

It was time to start
crossing things off.

[All screaming]

[Tires screech]

Scariest moment of my life.

[Whimpering]

Ohh. Oh, my gosh.
I thought I lost you!

But amazingly, something
great came out of it.

I found out how my sister
truly feels about me.

Girls, are you sure?

Positive. We'll walk home.

We almost died.

Yeah.

A-about what you said in the car...

Please don't make fun of me right now.

No, I would never. It was
actually really honest.

And I need to stop taking
shots at your intelligence.

You don't do it that often.

Well, you miss a lot of it.

[Scoffs] Oh. There, I did it again.

Did what?

Uh, it doesn't matter.

I always considered you to be
this self-absorbed person,

but you're more substantial
than that, aren't you?

Thank you. [Chuckles]

You know what? I'm
blowing off Judo today.

Let's hang out.

What should we do?

Makeovers.

[Inhales sharply] Okay.

Great!

We're gonna walk right
past my waxing place.

Say goodbye to that gal stache.

[Laughs]

Ow. Ow!

If it were easy,
everyone would be hot.

Yep, you know, I-it's
not just my feet.

It's from when I walked
into the stop sign

because you wouldn't
give me back my...

Okay, fine. I'll give you
back your man-goggles.

Here. [Sighs]

I just thought we might run into
some cute boys on the way home,

but it's probably best we didn't.

That's a pretty angry
lip you got there.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Wow. Does everybody's get this red?

Well, you had quite a bit of growth.

I was gonna have that lady
take a crack at your arms,

but she had already sweat
through her apron.

Oh, my gosh!

I already have 100 likes on
my picture of my new nails.

Um, FYI, I'm... I'm sort of
in the background there,

screaming mid-wax.

400 people liked this photo.

I was not one of them.

My art teacher made a pithy
"blue period" comment,

and my top prom prospect

suddenly found a
girlfriend in Canada.

Do you think I could get
my sneakers back?

Ohh, I threw them away
with the rest of your clothes

when you were in the changing room.

I thought about saving
them for the housekeeper,

but I couldn't remember
if she had a son.

Look, I've tried really hard
to put up with a lot since...

What's going on?

Oh, I just had so much fun with you!

We don't do this enough.

I just wish there was something
that you could teach me.

- Uh-huh.
- [Gasps]

Wait, what about your Judo stuff?

Uh [Scoffs] you're not
interested in that.

No! No! I am! Come on!

Karate-chop me or something!

[Chuckles] That is not...

Okay. All right.

Let's just do one simple move.

Okay.

Now, this won't wrinkle
my top, will it?

Ohh!

Wow.

That was actually fun!

Show me one more time.

Oh, no!

Oh, my gosh. I thought
I lost you again.

- [Smooches, sighs]
- Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?

Oh, yeah, when we almost got killed,

I thought I lost my phone.

It was really scary.

Mentos-pramp-climb, test number two.

Lesson learned... when pressure
builds to dangerous levels,

it must be released.

Is your lip getting better
or your face getting redder?

[Grunts angrily]

Just gonna pop into the family room.

What the hell was that?!

Oh, I'm just getting started!

Ohh! Why do you have
to be such a silly...

Haley, stop!

Both: Mom!

[Alpaca bleats]

Phil, honey.

♪ I can't go for that,
no, no can do ♪

I was already on edge.

The day before, I was
with my mom at the park

when some guy on a
bike swiped her phone.

He must have been
a criminal mastermind.

He struck the one second she
wasn't taking pictures of Joe.

The worst part is,
I saw him grab it.

I had a chance to do something

and be a hero to my
mom, but I froze.

What would you have done,

made him the subject
of a satirical cartoon?

Hey! Uh, they've taken
down presidents.

Now, can you just
support me here?

There are only so many moments
a son has a chance to...

- Blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Very mature.

- Pick a fight then tune me out?
- [Indistinct arguing]

- It's not bothering me.
- Stop it!

Dad, turn down that song!

♪ No can do ♪

[All screaming]

[Tires screech]

You sure, Manny?

Positive. I-I'll walk home.

- Haley: We almost died.
- Alex: Yeah.

White.

Yes, I'm sure.

Why is it so hard
for you to imagine

that a criminal can be
white when most of the...

Ah, the bicycle.

Yes, yes, it was white.

I thought your phone got stolen?

This is Joe's phone.

This is why the terrorists hate us.

The universe is cold and unfeeling.

The only constant is chaos.

Was that place out of
chocolate-chip pancakes again?

We were all almost
killed by a truck.

[Gasps] Ay! ¡Dios mío!
Are you okay, papi?

This was all Phil's
fault, wasn't it?

He's always blaring that
damn new wave music!

No. He swerved to avoid it.

Saved my life.

But the game of life is rigged.

Death always win.

Okay, I know what you
need right now...

A trip to the ice-cream shop.

He doesn't need ice cream.

He needs to talk about
what just happened to him.

Well, I could go for
some ice cream.

I know how to fix my son.

So, this is fixed.

[Horns blaring]

Go around.

Normally, I'd be
avoiding these cracks

out of respect of your back, mom,

but after today, it seems pointless.

- That's it. Get in.
- Gloria: No, no.

No, Jay, he's afraid!

It's only gonna get worse.

In. Trust me.

Five minutes in here,
he'll be happy as a clam.

Aah! Mama!

Calm down.

This was a bad idea.

Hop out.

Good for you, Jay. It has
to be when he is ready.

- Nope. He's driving.
- What?

- What? I-I can't.
- You're doing it now.

Jesús, take the wheel.

He's terrified to be in the back.

Now you're gonna
put him in the front seat

so that he can kill all of us?!

Can you not make this fear worse?

I watched Dede coddle Mitchell

when he was afraid of the dark.

Till he was seven, he'd only
blink one eye at a time...

Gave a lot of girls
a very wrong idea.

[Door-ajar signal beeping]

Manny, you don't want
to do this right?

No, I really don't.

Okay, papi, you know what?
Let's switch.

I'm going to drive.

I've got a bombshell, mom.

Ay, papi, thank you,
but this is a very weird thing

to say when we're
in this position.

No, I've decided I'm never driving.

Uh... unh-unh-unh-unh! No way.

You there. You there.

We're doing this my way.

Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way
or the highway.

Oh, God. Not the highway.

You always want me to be his dad.

Well, I'm being his dad.

Oh, uh, I-I'm really scared, Jay.

This is what we're fixing.

Look, when I was a kid,

I lived by a big, scary black lake.

I always thought there
monsters in there and whatnot.

One night, my dad
dragged me out of bed

and tossed me right
in that cold water.

I was never scared
of that lake again.

Now, give it some gas.

[Breathing heavily]

- [Gasps] Mama!
- Aah!

That's another habit
I wouldn't mind breaking,

but, you know,
right now we... have to...

Oh, what am I doing?

I hated my dad for that.

I ended up scared of
him, not the lake.

Manny, it's okay.

Over there! On the bike!

The white guy that stole my phone!

I don't see anyone.

Yes! He just turned the corner!

The phone burglar!
He's getting away!

[Sighs] Not this time.

Up there to the left!

[Both screaming]

I don't see anyone!

I didn't see anyone either.
I made it up.

I am not going to drive my
son around until he's 40.

The only thing stronger
than Manny's fear

is his need to protect his mama.

Oh, no! He got away!

But you did very good, Manny.

That was a frickin' rush!

But we're not giving up.
We're gonna find that guy.

No!

Are you sure about this?

Just go. I'm walking home.

Claire: I can't even
hear him it's so loud.

- Can everybody just shut up?!
- [Cellphone ringing]

- Hello.
- Gil: Hello. Is this Phil dumpster?

- Stop.
- What do you want, Gil?

Got to be kidding me. Hang on.

Is that your hot wife I hear?

Hey, is she still taking
those yoga classes?

Hanging up.

W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick.

The listing at 225 cedar street, it's
mine now. You poached my listing?

Poached it, seasoned it,

and covered it in Thorpe-andaise
sauce, my friend.

You should thank me, dumpy.

You're back in second place
with your favorite view...

- Ugh.
- ...My sweet behind.

Why does everything with him
have to be so dramatic?

[All screaming]

Why are we stopping?

[Breathing heavily] Ohh.

Oh, my God! I thought I lost you.

[Sighs]

What's to tell?

A truck runs a stop sign, I avoid it,

everyone walks away...
Bing, bang, no boom.

- Um, there was a truck!
- Haley: That was crazy!

- Okay, okay.
- Where did it even come from?

- You don't see that truck...
- Everybody calm down.

Calm down. Let's not overreact.

- What?!
- Dad!

- We were almost just killed!
- Yes!

Exactly. Almost, which
means we're all just fine.

You aren't the least bit upset?

It's gonna take more than
that to ruin a morning

that started with a whipped-cream
smile on my waffle.

Okay, it may have
affected me a little,

but sometimes it's hard to
know what you're feeling.

Mostly, I was thinking
about racquetball later

and hopefully giving Cam
a nice spanking.

Fair warning... may be
working out some anger issues

on the racquetball
court this morning.

- Don't ask.
- Sounds good.

So, we're getting our
new dryer delivered.

It's supposed to be eggshell,

but, oh, it's not eggshell...
It's white.

Anyway, I'm laying
into the delivery driver,

and Mitchell strolls in
and says, "oh, it's fine,"

and then offers him a piece
of his banana loaf.

I heard that.

Uh, just once, I would like
Mitchell to take my side.

I'm constantly strolling
in and saving him

like a little princess in the tower.

Sometimes I'd like
to be the princess.

- Six of one, right?
- What?

Why are... Why are we stopping?

I'm... I'm very confused, Phillip.

Trust me, this house is
gonna sell at Thorpe speed.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Phil. I guess
you heard. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it happens all the time.

I just stopped by to give you
guys a little care package

to show you there's
no hard feelings.

Class act, dung beetle.

Here's the malpractice attorney

most of his clients have used
after he's ripped them off.

You will be losing some sleep,

but these have always helped my wife.

And this priest is retired,

but I think he still does exorcisms,

which you'll need after today.

- Listen, Phil...
- It's okay.

It's sad, really, to see
a once-mediocre realtor

reduced to this.

Gil, please, let's keep this civil.

Oh, by the way, if you ever
speak disrespectfully again

about my wife, I'll kill you.

[Chuckling] Sorry.
That sounded like a joke.

I will actually kill you.

Anyhoo, when you guys wake
up and smell the sulfur,

here's a list of other realtors,

and if you need me, I'll be
in the office at 9:00...

Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.

Where did that come from?

Life's too short to be ruled by fear.

What do you say we get you
the right dryer, princess?

Oh, my.

I mean, Phil is usually just so...

But then he was just, like, so...

And then he got even more...

There's nothing I can do.

- I can't go for that.
- No can do.

Cameron here bought
an eggshell dryer.

Not white, not oatmeal,
not Swiss-coffee,

not baby-powder, not bone.

Eggshell. Look, Rob, is it?

That's interesting.

Here's how this is going down...

We don't leave without
that eggshell dryer.

Not swan-feather,
not Chester-pig-white.

I think we've covered the colors.

I sell houses to people every day

who ask me where they
should buy their dryer.

I don't think you want me
giving them any... static.

I may have one in the back.

But it takes two guys
to load the truck,

and it's just me today.

Is it?

It was right about then that a
question started nagging at me.

[Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That" plays]

Is Phil sexy?

[Grunts]

Hey.

You feel like doing something
a little crazy with me?

- [Cellphone ringing]
- What? No. What? No.

Hey, honey.

Claire: Phil, honey,
how you holding up?

Good.

I'm at the beach... Long story.

I was hoping you wouldn't mind

waiting at the house for Luke's tutor.

Actually, I would mind.
I'd mind quite a bit.

- I'm kind of busy.
- Okay.

Cam, there's something that Claire

would never approve of
that I've always wanted to do.

Always?

We're gonna want to put a
blanket down on that backseat.

This was a huge mistake.

I am jammed in the backseat
with a hairy Peruvian biter.

It's spring break '92 all over again!

Well, speed bump coming up.
Hold the leash taut.

It's supposed to keep her calm.

I got lucky. I don't think
this one's a spitter.

- [Alpaca spits]
- Ohh.

- [Alpaca bleats]
- Uh, I spoke too soon.

You think? That's it. Pull over.

You know, Phil, I wanted
to support you on this.

I'm a firm believer
in livestock in the home,

but you are out of control.

No, I'm in control... More than ever.

And if me getting what I want
inconveniences people a little,

- then so be it.
- [Alpaca bleats]

Oh. Uh, she's nervous.

The guy said you should let
her suck on your hair.

Okay, that is it. I am done.

♪ Enough of this ridiculousness ♪

And thank you, Phil,

for making me appreciate Mitchell.

He may have his faults,

but at least he's not a crazy person.

[Alpaca bleats]

Phil, honey.

Yes, Claire.

I got an alpaca... Again.

And there's nothing
you can say about it.

I'm not saying anything.
What's the problem?

[Both screaming]

Mom, dad!

There is a camel in the living room!

It's not a c...

- I-I just can't.
- Okay.

I see you've all met Jolene two.

Sadly, the original Jolene
that your mother made me return

was cruelly adopted
by a children's hospital.

You see, something
hit me this morning

when that truck didn't
hit me this morning...

I have not been in
control of my own life.

But those days are done.

- Oh.
- Haley: Mm.

Huh.

Well, I guess I'm not in
control of everything, am I?

[Chuckles] Funny, isn't it?

You can try and try,
but in the blink of an eye...

[Breathing shakily]

[Voice breaking] You can lose
everything that matters to you.

Dad, are you okay?

Don't you all see
what's going on here?

Dad really wanted that milk.

I almost lost you guys
today... All of you.

- Aw.
- Just like that.

Aw, daddy.

Oh, honey.

You spent the whole day
trying to control everything,

and I spent the entire
day trying not to,

and neither way worked, did it?

Nope. [Sighs]

I may fight you on this,
but I'm gonna need you

to make me get rid
of Jolene two.

- She's a biter.
- [Chuckling] I know.

As soon as we're done with this hug.

Hey, whatever this is,
I need to get in on it.

I almost died today.

- Grandpa.
- Daddy.

- Aw, dad.
- Hey.

Come here.

- Aww.
- Come here, you.

Learn how to drive, lady!

[Panting]

I will get to the meeting
when I get there.

I looked death in the face today.

Hel... hello. Yes, I would like
to leave a message.

My husband ordered
an eggshell dryer...

Not talc, not parchment... Eggshell.

Hey, you're home early.
What happened to you?

Doesn't matter.

So, I called that appliance store,

and I demanded that you get
the dryer that you wanted.

Oh, well, it must've worked

because they're taking away
the wrong one right now.

Anything for you, princess.

Ooh! Who's this guy?
Get over here, sexy.

[Chuckles] If you want
to see sexy, I just...

- Ooh.
- Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Oh, d... what is all over you?

- Well, now you are.
- Ah-choo!

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