Modern Family (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Haley's 21st Birthday - full transcript

Haley celebrates her 21st birthday, but will anything go wrong?


- Hi. - Hey.
- Evening, folks.

- Come on in.
- Hi.

Wait, wait!
Hang on, guys! Wait!

Don't you need to check I.D.s?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Huh?

Sorry, we don't offer
a senior discount.

No. No, it's not for me,

and now I really
need a drink.

Go on, honey. Show him
your license. Go on.

- Picture!
- Oh? Somebody 21 today?

- Yes. - Yes.
- Military gal.

Welcome, Private Dorchester.

Uh, oops.
That is the wrong one.

I am so very sorry.

- Hold on a second.
- Put that away!

Yes, I'm a huge dork

for celebrating my 21st
with my family,

but my mom was crazy excited
to go to a bar with me.

Or just to go to a bar.

Aw, it's so nice what
you two are doing.

My mother would have never
taken me out for a drink.

Why? Was she super strict?

No, she would never
see me as an adult.

Well, except when the
police came to the house.

Then, she would be like,
"Gloria, you go talk to them.

"Tell them your father
was here last night.

But unbutton your shirt
a little bit first."

Okay, uh, the craziest
thing I heard --

and there is
some competition there --

is that you think this lady
treats me like I'm an adult.

Wait, I-I do treat you
like an adult.

You made me change my shirt
two times before we left the house

and force-fed me
a cheese sandwich

so I wouldn't get sloppy drunk.

No, that is just one woman
offering another woman, uh,

fashion tips and advice
for casual drinking.

What do you know about fashion?

What do you know
about casual drinking?

Okay, okay.
That's funny.

See, I wouldn't have laughed

at that before
'cause you were a kid,

but now I'm gonna laugh
'cause it's funny.

- Hi. - Hi.
- Sorry that took so long.

We got trapped by those
bridesmaids over there.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

That's what happens

when you bring gay guys
to a straight club.

We're like catnip to drunken
bachelorette party girls.

The problem is, they can
get a little bit clingy.

- But don't worry, Haley. We are
here for you tonight. - Ohh.

- To Haley's first drink, huh?
- Salud.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh, it burns.

Thanks again
for driving me, Jay.

You've arrived
at your destination.

Get it?
'Cause we're in a German car.

I have lived a long, full life.

I will drive us into a wall.

Tonight, while Claire

gets things started at the bar,

Jay is taking me to pick up
Haley's birthday present --

A new car!

Phil shopped around,
found something very safe

and low-maintenance with
lots of good reviews.

Till I married her.

I'm joking!
You're not low-maintenance!

- I doubled down.
- Oh, I heard you.

Are you sure you don't
want me to go in with you,

you know, maybe hammer
out some final details?

No. Deal's already worked out.

I'm just gonna pop my Herbie
Hancock on a few forms,

and I'll, uh --
I'll meet you at the bar.

Great. Well, you don't need me.

Leaving Phil with a car salesman

is like covering a baby
goat in barbecue sauce

and dropping it in the
middle of the Serengeti.

Well, I-it all seems to check --
Wait a minute.

This can't be right.

Am I allowed to sign this
with a red pen?

Good catch, Phil.

One quick thing --
if you really want to

do something special
for your daughter,

what do you say we throw in
some upgraded wheels?

How much would that cost?

How much do you spend
a day on a cup of coffee?

Oh, for god's sakes!

- Jay?
- Answer the question!

A cup of coffee? $3.50.

- Not you!
- What are you doing here?

I'm just here to make sure
everything's on the up-and-up.

Um, Daryl, this is my
father-in-law, Jay Pritchett.

Jay, you don't have to be here.

It's all worked out.

Tell you what,
why don't you throw in

those upgraded wheels
you love so much,

lower the drive-off by $500,
we call it a deal?

I'm sorry, but this is
the best I can do.

Come on, Daryl.
We're all businessmen here.

We all know there's wiggle room

when we say
there's no wiggle room.

So, come on.
Let's see you wiggle.

I can't. I can't wiggle.

- Jay, I've already wiggled him.
- No, trust me, he can wiggle.

- I really can't. I --
- Wiggle, Daryl. Wiggle.

Do you know where
babies come from?

Lily, I'm studying.

Are you a nerd?

No. Why would you ask me that?

It's Friday night,
and you're doing homework.

It's my senior year.

Trust me, Lily,

there'll be tons of fun
Friday nights in my future

with artists, dignitaries,
other scientists.

I didn't hear "boyfriend."

You're 0 for 3. You keep
hitting me in the face.

Or... am I 3 for 3?

Then what's the point
of the apple?

It keeps you from moving.

Hey, guys, do you know
where babies come from?

Lily, that's not
an appropriate question.

Come on.
Do you know or not?

Uh, yes.
The stork brings them.

This dork?

Good stuff.

Hey, Lily, how about
something to eat?

You want some chicken nuggets?

- Okay.
- All right.

So, do you know
how babies are made?

Yep, and I'll tell you.

- But first, we're gonna need
a pen and a bagel. - Why?

Well, you're gonna need
to take notes, and I'm hungry.

Please.

Okay, we can't wait any longer.

We are dying
to give you our present!

Guys, I said no gifts.

No, you said
no gifts under $100.

Oh, did I? Gimme.

It's just a little something
from your supercool guncles.

Okay!

There is a lot of pressure
when one is a gay uncle...

Or guncle.

...giving a gift to a niece
as hip and chic as Haley.

In the 10 years that
we've been together,

we've only missed
the mark one time.

Yeah, when Claire
told us what to buy,

but we learned our lesson --

ignore Claire and trust
our gay instincts.

Or "ginstincts."

Too much.

No.

Oh, my god! So cute!

- Really? You think?
- Yes! Totally! Super cute!

Because we can return them
if you don't like them.

No, no, they're good.

I love them.

If we wore the same size,
I would have these on right now.

He's been gone a long time.
I think we hurt his feelings.

These guys don't have feelings.

He's back there making
time with a secretary,

bragging about how he's taking
a couple suckers for a ride.

Look. He was in the military.

So was Oswald.
Hey.

Can you trust me

that I'm gonna get you
the best deal possible?

You know what?

Why do I keep
fighting you on this?

You know what you're doing.
I'm behind you all the way.

Boom.

Well, I spoke to my manager...

Yeah.

...and I can't give you
the wheels or the discount.

Frankly, he's mad

that I gave you the deal
that's on the table.

Well, thanks, Daryl.
You did your best.

You, too, Jay.

I guess we'll just sign
and be on our way.

- Or we can get out of here.
- What?

I'm sorry, buddy.

I got a pal at the dealership
closer to his house.

We're gonna take our business there.
Let's go, Phil.

I think Phil wants
to take the car.

Don't tell Phil what he wants.
Phil wants to leave.

Phil?

What are we doing?
That was a great deal.

- Wrong. Keep walking.
- Jay, I need this car.

We're supposed to be
at the bar in 20 minutes.

Calm down. He's not gonna
let us leave the lot.

You can order your appletini now

and be there
before the ice melts.

You better be right about this

'cause you are dead wrong
about appletinis having ice.

Hey! Guys, hold on a second!

Yes, Daryl.

You forgot your sunglasses.

Happy?

Yeah.

These aren't my sunglasses.

I cannot believe Haley
didn't like the shoes.

Oh, come on.
Of course she did.

No, she most certainly did not.
She gave us the high voice.

"They're cute!"

I know the voice. I invented the voice.
I use the voice.

Wait. So, I can't pull off
mid-thigh shorts?

No, you can.

Pull them off and give them
to somebody 20 years younger.

You're so silly!

What are you two giggling about?

Haley just asked me --

Oh, you don't want to know,
trust me.

No, I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.
Tell me.

No, you'll just be all judgy

because you want me to be
this perfect, little angel.

Oh, honey, no, that's not true.

I know I have not done
a great job of it so far,

but I meant it when I said

I want to have
a more adult relationship.

I am sure the reason why
mom and I grew apart

is that she never stopped
treating me like a child.

Plus, she was loco
for loco-puffs.

What, you do not have
that cereal?

- Come on. Haley, let me in.
- Okay, fine, so we were laughing

- because we were playing
"would you rather." - Mm-hmm.

What's that?

And I said,

"would you rather
marry George Clooney

"or have the best sex
of your life for just one night

with Tom Hardy?"

- Who's that?
- I don't know. Google him.

I'm going with Tom
because George would

just want to talk about
politics all the time

and Tom seems like he would
quietly get the job done.

- That's exactly what Haley said!
- Oh!

All right! Okay! Yeah!

Hey, you two! It's dance time!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Yeah, somebody's hungry
for a little bit more.

We should have just
told them we're straight.

We met them because you accurately

identified the bride's perfume.

You two ready to tear it up?

Oh... well, we're kind of doing
our own thing right now,

- but thank you.
- Come on, boys!

Who are those gays?

I don't know,
but I like their look.

- Do you?
- Really?

Yeah.

I can feel it.

This guy's gonna get us
the deal we want.

I had the deal we want,
and now it's gone,

- just like your imaginary friend
who never worked here. - Calm down.

We're already up three hot dogs
and a pair of sunglasses.

Okay, guys, I ran some numbers,

and I can't come close to
the price you had over there.

He was losing money on that car.

- Oh, my god.
- Not helping.

All right, Tony,
let's cut to the chase.

You either start negotiating,

or we're gonna walk back over
there and take that other deal.

Well, if you can still get it,
yeah, Th-that's what I would do.

You want to dance.
I don't mind. I'll lead.

$500 down.

Sir even with the deep
discounts we offer

during the hot dog-a-thon,

I have never seen
a deal like that.

Hear that, Jay? I won.
What did I win?

Not a car!

I got to call
that first guy back.

Tony, clock is ticking.
Your move.

What's that?

Could that be from your
manager, huh, perhaps?

Uh, yeah, he says that
unless you buy a car,

you can't have any more hot dogs.

Okay, so, a boy and a girl
meet at a frat party

and they both think
each other is totally hot,

so they pound their beers
and head upstairs.

Luke, stop.

She's not hearing this from you.

- Why not?
- You're too immature.

I'm not immature, butt face.

And how would you say it?

Well, I would say they
meet through friends,

and after dating for an
appropriate amount of time,

he takes her to
a romantic French bistro.

- Then maybe, if the mood is right --
- Maybe?

I just bought you
a big French dinner.

That was your choice.
I owe you nothing.

Your hand was on my knee
the whole time.

What was I supposed to think?

I was expressing affection,
not signing a contract.

This date is over.

Come on, sexy,
don't be like that.

Make a baby with me.

What is going on in here?!

Nothing.

Can I just say that I'm glad
they didn't come get us?

Exactly.
Who needs those clingy broads?

"Broads"? Does anyone
say "broads" anymore?

I don't know.
I was trying something.

You know, maybe they just saw us
with Haley and they were like,

"hey, let's give
those guys some space."

Or they already knew those gays.

Or they thought those young guys

would be better dancers than us.

No, no. Since when
does young equal better?

Oh. Let's show them what we got.

Hey, real quick...
what have we got?

Um, well, I can raise the roof
and do the cabbage patch.

Okay, and I can do the
"single lady" hand thing.

Yeah, but put your neck into it

or you just look like
the Queen waving.

- Oh, good point.
- Okay. Now you're ready.

Okay, let's go.

- Hey, ladies!
- Hey, single ladies!

Hey, guys!

Oh, thank god.
We need to tap out.

Yeah, these chicks latched on
and won't let go.

You know how they are with us.

No, you don't have to tell us.

We couldn't get rid of
those three all night.

So, why don't you guys go ahead
and split? We'll take over.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go.

- Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

- We'll hold it down.
- Yeah, yeah.

Boys, where are you going?!

- You guys, don't go!
- Oh, yeah, don't worry about it, ladies,

because we are here now and
we are ready to boogie.

- Great!
- Whoo-hoo.

So fun!

We're gonna go hit
some clubs now.

Oh, clubs. That sounds rad.

- Cool. Super dope.
- Yes.

- You guys have fun.
- Huh?

What happened?

Oh, my god.

Stop.
We're gancient.

Really? Dylan?

- Dylan?
- Yep. Swear it.

Like you cannot believe.

Huh. You know what?
I kind of get him now.

- Right?
- Yes!

I always got Dylan.

Careful.
You're like my grandma.

Grandma?

Easy. I have stabbed
closer relatives than you.

I can't believe I'm talking
to my mom about this.

Honey, I told you,
you're a grown-up now.

I'm gonna respect your decisions,

and let you live your life.

It's the best gift
I can give to you

on your 21st birthday --

my friendship and
unconditional acceptance.

Aw! That means
so much to me right now.

- You know why?
- Mnh. Why?

Because I want to get
a tattoo tonight,

and I was afraid you'd say no.

Ay, how could she say no

after everything
she just said to you?!

How could I say no?
Is there a way?

Oh, my god, mom, this is
the best present ever!

Could tonight get any better?!

Yes! She can pay for it

so you can get a really big one!

I'm so excited!

Phil, where are you?
You have to get down here

and stop Haley
from getting a tattoo.

What, no, you stop her!

I can't.

I made a commitment
to being her friend.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.
I was trying something.

Just get down here with that car,
and we can distract her.

I'd love to, but your dad
played hardball and we lost it.

How on earth did you
let that happen?!

I don't know. Why don't you ask
the Tweety bird on Haley's neck?

Oh, god, not the neck.

She's a tough-enough
hire as it is.

Okay, um...

Fine, y-you deal with the car.
I'll deal with the tattoo.

Just get here.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

No, no, no, no.
I'm done listening to you.

I had a great deal.
You know how I know?

I called the salesman
at the first dealership

while you were sneaking
your third hot dog,

and it already sold.

Fine. We don't need it.
Here's the plan --

we tell them Haley is really sick.

Oh, my god, you're sick.

Good thinking! I'll be sick

'cause nobody cares about
people they can't see.

I researched that car
online for weeks,

and then you swoop in with
your tough-guy swagger

to teach me a lesson about
buying cars in the '70s!

You know, this all happened
because of you,

sitting there, covered
in sweat and fear,

undercutting my every word.

Now, if you want
a really good deal,

you park your butt out here,
play on your Internet.

I'm going old-school
on this sales weasel,

and I'm gonna break him in half.

Is somebody helping you?

He better be!

Yes, thank you so much.

Okay, I am technically
in charge tonight,

so no one tells Lily
where babies come from.

I could not agree more.

I don't know why you Americans
are so uptight about sex.

Sex is confusing
for young people,

and she doesn't need to learn
from two fuzz-staches

who barely know
anything themselves.

Excuse me, you might want
to check my browser history.

I've done some research.

Oh. Well, great. I'm just
gonna go vomit forever now.

What are you guys doing?

- Uh, nothing. - Just talking.
- Not really anything.

Can we finish our conversation?

No. Lily, I'm sorry, but
if you have questions,

you're gonna have to ask your dads.

You don't know, do you?

- I do so.
- Uh-huh, I know.

No, we don't.
Right, guys?

- No, I guess not.
- No.

That's embarrassing.
Want me to tell you?

What?

Hey, that's why you asked if we
knew where babies came from --

because you wanted to tell us?

Yeah, you're old.
You should know.

But you might want
to sit down for this.

I found a tattoo shop nearby.

It has four stars on Yelp, and
it has military discount.

Well, Private Dorchester
reporting for duty.

You are just so helpful
tonight, Gloria.

- You know what else you should do?
- Another idea.

You should do
mother-and-daughter tattoos,

like -- like, uh,
two halves of a heart.

- Or the moon and some stars.
- Oh. Mm.

Or, like, a bird and a rifle.

- Oh, my god, let's do that!
- Yes! Yes!

I mean, not that, but, like,
let's get matching tattoos!

I want to do that with you.

- You do?
- Yeah!

It could be, like,
our special thing

that we have for the rest
of our lives, just us.

And no matter where
we go or what we do,

when people ask us
about our tattoos,

we can say that they're from

the best night
of our lives together.

That is so sweet.

I mean it.

I want to do it with you.
Will you?

I can't believe this, but I will.
I will.

I will 'cause I love you.

- I love you, too!
- I love you. I love you.

- They also have piercing!
- Enough.

You know what?

I don't even need
to be cool anymore.

It's like, why?

Yes, exactly. Why?
Who cares.

Besides, isn't the cooler thing
not caring if you're cool?

Yeah, and if the new cool
is not caring,

then I'm supercool,
not that I care.

Hey, guys! Guess what.
We're getting matching tattoos.

Love it. We're doing it, too.
We need this.

- Are you serious?
- Are we serious?

As serious as Bert and Ernie.

It was supposed to be such
a great moment for me as a dad.

I was gonna walk into that bar,

give my daughter her new
car keys, and say, "honey...

chug that drink.
We're going for a spin."

Phil, put these in your purse.

I just beat your unbeatable
deal by 500 samolians.

Stick that in your Internet.

- What?
- This guy's a bulldog. He wore me down.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
You never stood a chance.

Thank you, Jay.

Hop in.
I'll give you a walk-through.

Okay.

Some more good news for you --
Your father-in-law

also talked me into two years
of free satellite radio.

Of course he did. The guy's
always one-upping me.

I work for months
getting the best deal.

He walks in, bullies you down,
and proves what a pushover I am.

- Let me just show you this horn.
- Why? Did he get an upgrade on --

My father-in-law can be a jerk, too,
so I got to say something.

You got a much better
deal than he got.

Some horn, huh?

What?

He came groveling into my office

and begged me to lie and say that

he got the better price,
but he paid me the difference.

How much more did he pay?

$1,000.

Oh, my god, he really cares
what I think about him.

- More than you know.
- That is one beautiful man.

Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?

I love you, too!

Oh! Uh, the tattooing --

it does really hurt.

I don't think I drank enough.

Huh. So, a couple
of firsts tonight.

Okay, what should we get?

It needs to be something
important to us.

I-is Nelson Mandela still in jail?

I think it should be something
just a little more personal.

Okay, what about lilies for Lily?

Flowers?

Be faster just to get
the word "gay."

I hope everybody's ready!
So beautiful.

Well, check it, losers.

I am all tatted up.

Ay, I'm so proud of you.
I can't believe you did this.

- I know! I know! I know! - It's very sexy.
- Very nice. - Yeah.

Well, it is Sanskrit for "mother."

And Haley's gonna get one
that says "daughter."

Well...

Well, what?

It's just, um,

I-I'm not totally sure
I'm not bailing.

No. No, you're not.

But it just looks super painful,

a-a-and this is nothing
to do with you,

but I don't think I want
a tattoo when I have old skin.

Haley, if you don't get "daughter,"

it's gonna look like I
did this for my mother,

and then I'm gonna have
to saw my leg off.

Or you could just add to it.

Hey, what's Sanskrit for "issues"?

Haley, come on.
You're up. Let's go.

I don't know, mom. It's --

Now that I see it,
it's so permanent.

Young lady, I swear to God
I will spank you.

No, my god! Is that for me?!

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Thank you so much! I love it!

Please tell me
you didn't get a tattoo.

No, but talk to mom, 'cause
she's trying to make me.

- Oh, it's so cute! Can I take it
for a ride?!- Of course!

When I grow up,
I want to have kids.

You're not going anywhere.
You've been drinking tonight.

Only 'cause you made me.

What are you trying
to do to her?

Well, first, I want
a perfect husband...

How about you guys?
Come on.

You're gonna get your tattoo, right?

We realized we don't
need one to be cool.

It seems sort of desperate.

But yours is cute.

- Super cute!
- Yeah.

...Someone who takes care of me.

Ay, Jay. I'm tired. I'm hungry.
Take me home.

Come on. We'll get you
a big bowl of loco-puffs.

And then we're gonna
make a baby...

Oh, my gosh!

...which is easy.

You just put eggs
and tadpoles in a glass,

and the woman has to drink it.

Then, the woman and man
kiss and jump on their bed.

After a year, she pees,
and a baby comes out.

- Wow. - Oh, my god.
- Okay, then.

Now that Claire has a tattoo,

I can finally get one of my own!

So, I've been trying
to think of a phrase

that sums up the way
I live my life.

I don't think small.
I don't do things halfway.

I'm not afraid of taking risks.

So, then, I was
trying to think of

the perfect place to put it,
you know?

You don't want to put it
on a-a body part

that's gonna wrinkle or --
or sag too much,

and you don't want it
in some place where

if you're wearing a suit
it would show.

So, on my lower back
I would put the words

"Go deep."

Bam!

- Think about it.
- I heard it.

Okay.

"Do it."
No.

- "All in."
- No.