Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Big Game - full transcript

Cam tries to break a school record as freshman football coach, Phil is on the verge of his first month without selling a house, Claire still struggles with being the boss's daughter, and Mitchell tries to let his boss down easily.


I have to show a house today,
so see you guys at Luke's football game.

I'm too tired to go.

I have a midterm tomorrow,

which I'll probably fail and
I was up really late studying.

She was. I was up
really late doing this.

Don't even bother coming.
I'm quitting today.

I'm sick of this guy on the team
always making fun of me.

He's just jealous because

you're the one who puts
points on the board.

- Why? Because you run the scoreboard
- run the scoreboard.

I'm out, too.

But all your classmates
will be there.

We ignore each other all week.

It's nice to have a little break
on the weekends.

Geez, I've never seen
such a bunch of no-getters.

Coined it!

Remember, keep
a positive attitude,

and good things will happen.

Two things I bring
to every open house --

my lucky pen and a smile.

I haven't sold
a house all month.

Do you see me saying
"I'm done"? Never.

Because there is
no "done" in Dunphy.

I'll see you guys at the game.

Hey, there is no "umph" in Dunph--
different spelling!

Cam!

Yes, Phil, I remember
your special play,

but I think the triple
gull-wing is a little tricky

to run at such an important
sporting match.

Cam has a number
of delightful superstitions

during the football season.

Well, they're not superstitions
when they work.

That seems science-y.

Not sorry that today
is the last g-a-m-e.

Well, thank you, but
good coaches don't need luck.

We make luck.

See you at the athletic endeavor.

I'm going to call Gloria and
see if she can pick up Lily, too,

you know, just in case...

What, you procrastinate again

and not tell Charlie
you're quitting?

No, no! I'm gonna do it.

I just -- I'm picturing
his face when I tell him,

shaking his head in disappointment.
It's -- it's hard.

- Hey, just do it!
- No.

I don't know why you're making
yourself so crazy over this.

You're right. You're right.

I -- I do not want to be crazy.

I'll see you at the game.

Hey, Gloria.

Yes, Mitch, I will pick her up.

Thank you so much!
All right. Bye, Lily.

Good luck with
the whole Patrick situation.

Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Well, welcome to the rest
of your life, sweetheart.

So, Lily, tell me more
about this Patrick.

He likes the swings,
he sits by the flag,

and he can count to 100.

He sounds like
the whole package.

Then what is the problem?

He doesn't notice me.

So then make him notice you.

You don't want
to wake up one morning

as a lonely 9-year-old,

wondering where
all the time went.

Hey, mom.
If you're at the store later,

could you pick up some ice?

I'm gonna need it
for after the game.

My little athlete.

I want to try out the gelato maker
I traded my bike for.

Lures me in every time.

Oh, okay. Bye.

Dad, you can just drop me
at the next light.

I can walk from there,
and I got to call Phil anyway.

You did the same thing yesterday.

Why? What's going on with you?

- You smoking again?
- No! No.

I just -- I don't want
to put a spotlight

on the fact that
I'm the boss's daughter.

It makes people resent me.

- This is good. Thanks, dad.
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I can see that bothers you.

Well, yeah, your own kid,

embarrassed to be seen
with you, you know?

- You spend your whole life --
- Here's fine.

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Last month, a law-school
classmate offered me a job

at his legal aid society,

and I just knew
I had to take it.

And I explained that
in a letter

that I was going to sneak
onto Charlie's desk.

Oh, good. It's you.

Hey! Did you sleep here?

My girlfriend dumped me,
uh, in an e-mail.

Couldn't even do it
face-to-face.

Pretty gutless, huh?

Oh, you should go home,
get some rest.

I can't go back there.
It would be too hard.

Mm, too many memories?

No, we were living on my boat.
I don't know where she took it.

Enough of my whining.
What do you need?

Oh, well, I just --
I just came by to say hi. Hi.

And also, mm, to tell you
in a very gut-ful fashion,

face-to-face,

about something that
I have been thinking about.

But I do think that, um,
I am going to have to leave

about five minutes early today.

Uh, Cam is -- is coaching
a high-school football game.

- I'm in.
- What?

Certainly not gonna be able
to focus on any of this today.

Yeah, I need a shot
of marching bands,

fresh-cut grass,
rosy-cheeked kids.

Hey!

Do they still run through a banner?

- They do!
- I love that. I love that.

Let's see.
The game's at what, like, 4:00?

We should probably --
Hey! Give me that.

I'm --

this is my private cell.

Only three people
in the whole world use this.

Two people.

Uh, Claire, is, uh --
is there a reason

you didn't sign
this shipping form?

Oh, no. Sorry.
I'll do it now.

Oh, no. No. Now's a little late.

See, they came in this morning,

and they can't do a thing
without a manager's signature.

So now I've got
100 rosewood panels

- lined up in the warehouse.
- Oh, my God.

In the future, I'd appreciate it --

Hey, hey, Tim.
I think you made your point.

It was an honest mistake, all right?

- Dad -- - I'm just saying
that it's what a warehouse is for,

to hold things.

- Not the end of the world. Right.
- Of course.

- Sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

It's my fault.
Bye, Tim. Bye!

Dad!

This is exactly what
I was talking about

in the car this morning!

I want them to see me
like a co-worker,

not somebody who's
getting special treatment

'cause she's the boss's daughter.

Is it possible you're being
a little oversensitive here?

No, I'm not. I'm being --
Wow, here? Really?!

You know, you gave me this.

- Look how adorable you were.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

I want you to try really hard
to hear what I'm saying.

When I need your help,
I will ask for it.

And until then, just butt out.

What happened to you?

Hey, Miller, your toes
are looking a little lonely.

Why don't you pay them a visit?

What's with the extra
warm-ups, coach?

These guys haven't won all year.

Did you hear that, team?

Miller just bought you
a little present.

I wasn't complaining. I was just
wondering why we have to --

Take a lap!

Burt Levoisier, Red Stagg,
Duckie Pond --

all coaching legends
at this High School

and none have won more
than two games their first season.

I win today, that makes three,

making me the winningest
first-year freshman coach ever.

Oh, hey, Luke, Reuben's sick,

so I'm gonna need you
to be the announcer today.

How am I supposed to keep score
and announce at the same time?

Same way you're a spaz and
a dork at the same time, spork.

Okay, lose the attitude,
but keep that intensity.

Uh, hey, excuse me, ref.

What's with all
the black arm bands?

Their coach passed away last night.

He'd been sick for a while.

That's terrible.
And we're still playing?

Well, they're tough kids.

Roger Knight lived
for high-school football,

so they're playing
this one in his honor.

Okay, hey, guys!
Guys! Guys! Guys!

Tragic news about Coach Knight.

But you know what?
We need to focus up.

Plenty of time to pay our respects,

but there will be no mourning
knight this afternoon.

- Lot of character over there.
- Yep.

- Those kids haven't won a game all year.
- Uh-huh.

And now to have
to play on his birthday...

Okay, see you at the coin toss.

Top of the morning!

Real estate and,
to a lesser extent, life

is all about perseverance.

Things go wrong.

Keys get lost, deals fall through,
keys get misplaced.

Uh, a lot of it
has to do with keys.

But that's when you find out
there are two types of people --

those who waste time
staring at a closed door...

And those who find a window.

I'm looking at my first month
ever without a sale.

Some people might give up.

But those people
aren't Phil Dunphy.

No!

It's like I tell my kids --

keep a positive attitude
and things will fall your way.

As my favorite redhead once sang,

the sun will come out tomorrow.

That redhead,
of course, was Mitchell,

introducing me to
the plucky orphan Annie...

whose never-say-die attitude
pulled this country

out of a little thing called...

The Great Depression.

And anything a little girl can do,
I can try to do, too.

Hey!

Hey, guys! Welcome back!

- Drink it in!
- Wow!

Pretty great, huh?

Oh, am I glad you guys could
see this during the daytime.

I really think it shows
better like that.

So?

Should we just cut to the chase
and pay me my commission?

I'm kidding.
You don't pay me directly.

There's no fee in dun-- Phil.

Listen, Phil, we've got
some great news.

I love it!
Where's my lucky pen?

We wanted to tell you
this in person.

- We just came from the doctor --
- I'm pregnant!

Oh, my God! You guys!

Except we decided
to put off buying the house

- until after the baby's born.
- Sure.

- We've been trying for, like, six years.
- Sure.

For a while there, it seemed like
the universe was against us.

That's ridiculous. Why would
the universe be against one person?

Here, have a spirit sticker!

Don't be the only
student without one.

I actually go to this school!

Wow, you really
are invisible, huh?

I could not be more fine with it.

You're like that guy
from that movie

who wishes he was never born.

"It's a wonderful life."

You say that, but do you mean it?

Beautiful day here
at Red Stagg field.

Kicking off for the home team
is number 44, Jason Miller,

who also plays lacrosse,
soccer, and all the girl parts

when he and his friends
act out "High School Musical."

Quite possibly the only
girl parts he'll ever see.

Haley!

Hey, Dylan!

I didn't realize
you were coming here.

Are you kidding?

This place was
like a home to me.

It's like I was homeschooled.

But I wasn't.
I was school-schooled.

Were you?

I got six kinds of pills
in my pocket,

but this here, all this,
this is the best medicine.

Aw, I'm glad
you're feeling better.

So, Charlie, I --

I'm here to get Lily.

Oh, before I call her,
we had a small issue today.

One of the boys, Patrick,
said Lily pushed him down

and tried to kiss him.

No, that doesn't sound like Lily.

She was probably imitating
something she saw

on TV or in her family --

Ay, it was the TV, yes.

Oh, but here she is.
She's always so sweet.

Bye, Patrick.

You see?
They're just friends.

What are you laughing at, Evan?

You're next.

Okay, I'm going to talk
to her for a little bit.

Oh, did I ever tell you that
I put your name up here?

Huh?

"Haley Dunphy dome."

Aww, you named our special spot?

Actually it was supposed
to be "Haley Dunphy, do me."

I'm bad with spacing.

Oh, you're not so bad.

And that's halftime --
Panthers 6, Dolphins 0.

That zero score by Jason Miller,

who proudly prances off the field.

Just let me go up there
and kick that kid's butt.

Knock it off, Miller.
I need your leg. Take a knee.

Now, I don't know what
tuna net you dolphins swam into,

but you are drowning out there!

Coach, would it really be
such a bad thing if we lost?

- Beg your pardon?
- Look at them, coach.

Haven't they lost enough already?

Maybe giving them a win would,

in a way, be a victory for us, too.

Okay, you know what mattered
the most to Coach Knight?

His work with special-needs kids?

Okay, he took one kid
to one beach one time.

Football!

Football is what mattered the most!

He lived for competition!

He believed in sportsmanship,
integrity!

Okay? Now, the way I see it,
we can roll over

and give them an empty,
meaningless victory

that he... would hate.

Or we can go out there,
leave it all on the field,

and be a team
he would be proud to lose to.

Now, is this an "I" activity
or a "we" activity?!

- We!
- What?!

- We!
- What?!

- We! We! We! We! We! We!
- That's right!

Now you sound like dolphins!

Hey, Tim!

I got the next three days
of delivery slips

for you here, signed, huh?

- Thanks, Claire.
- Yeah.

Signed those up good, huh?

- Yep. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks.

So, this is -- this is the,
uh, the regency birch?

Beautiful model. Gorgeous.

- You guys do such good work down here.
- Mm-hmm.

Really, you mind
if I take her for a spin

before she goes up
to the showroom?

- You're the boss... ...
- 'S daughter.

Mm-hmm.
That's what you want to say.

Oh, okay. So, no mirror when
they're shipping, which makes sense.

Also have, uh...
no handles.

Hey -- hey, Tim?

Hey, Tim!

Tim!

Oh, God.
Yeah, hi, dad.

Hey, co-worker.

Just seeing when you want
to leave for the game.

- We're late already.
- Soon, soon.

I'm -- I'm just --
I'm finishing up

a little paperwork in my office.

Okay. Let me know
if you need any help.

No, I do not need your help.

And as I believe I mentioned,
I would appreciate it

if you were not constantly
looking over my shoulder.

Come on. Give me some credit.

That's the last thing I would do.

Dad, you seem to forget
that I raised three children,

and I had a career before this.

I have done plenty of stuff
that does not -- Oh!

Do you hear that?

Sounds like it's coming
from the warehouse.

Yeah, what even is that?

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Uh, one piece of advice --
take it or leave it.

What?

The latch is under
the panel on the right.

I got you mustard and Sauerkraut,
just what you like.

You're being awfully nice,

considering I started
that whole closet-nado.

Well, you're still my daughter.

It's okay I call you
that here, right?

Yeah.

Listen, it's hard for me to treat you
like everyone else.

You're the only one
I carried home in my arms --

except Dontrell,
last year's Christmas party.

I pretty much poured him
through his sunroof.

But I'll try.

Thanks, dad.

You got plans this weekend?

- No. Not really. Why?
- Good.

Be at the warehouse,
8:00 tomorrow.

Wear something
you don't care about.

Hey, guys.

Hi, honey.

What'd I miss?

Nothing good.

We're down by 6
with 3 minutes to play.

Well, they could still
turn it around.

Show's not over till the fat --
mama!

Sensational punt by Miller,
who hasn't kicked that high

since he broke the gender barrier

and joined our own
modern dance troupe.

- Are you okay, honey?
- Yeah!

It's all about keeping
an attitive positude.

Positude attitive.

Hey, we should see a midnight
movie tonight, like old times.

Oh, my God. I am so in!

Cool. Cool.

I'll come by your house
around 11:30 with the ladder?

I don't need to climb
out of my window anymore, Dylan.

Oh, ooh. Can we do it earlier?
I have a midterm tomorrow.

Oh, I can't do earlier.

I've got to meet up with some
classmates from nursing school.

You're gonna be a nurse?

Yeah, I figured it was
a natural next step.

I've always healed people
with my music,

and now I'm just doing
the same thing with drugs.

Wow.
Well, ye-- another time, then.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, if everything goes well,

maybe one day
I'll see you in the hospital.

I'd like that.

So, I finally
get out of the closet,

and there's dad
looking down at me.

Been there.

The whole daddy thing, though,

it's really one
of your bigger issues.

At least my daddy issues
are with my actual daddy.

I don't run around making every
authority figure I meet into a father.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

W-what's that supposed to mean?

Mitchell, come on.

Why have you
not quit your job yet?

His girlfriend
just broke up with him.

Yeah, and what was your excuse last week?

I had a cold.

And the week before?

I felt a cold coming on.

Mitchell, this fell
out of your jacket.

Care to explain?

I was holding it for a friend.

You want to quit?

Charlie, you're --
you're a great boss,

but I ju--
I got this other offer,

and I just really miss
the courtroom.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you,

you're... really letting me down.

I just expected
so much more out of you.

- Ohh.
- You were my favorite.

Ohh, God.

Um, well, maybe I-I could
still do things on the weekends.

No, no! Charlie,
I'm -- I'm sorry.

I -- I'm done.

You know what?

I don't blame you.

I have to get back
on solid ground.

- We both do.
- Well, I do more.

My house is a boat.

You made me in trouble.

I didn't tell you to sit
on a boy until he liked you.

- Yes-huh.
- Nuh-huh.

We're not doing this again.

Home team calls time-out.

12 seconds left,
they're down by 6,

and unable to shake
the Miller curse.

That's it!

Okay, boys, final play.

Time for a little trickery.

Oh, honey.
What happened to you today?

A cosmic pummeling.

I lost the deal.

If I don't close on one tomorrow,

it's gonna be my first month
ever with no sale.

Actually, there is
no 31st this month.

What are you talking about?

Tomorrow's the first.
Honey, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay!

I just found out there is
literally no tomorrow!

You know, I always say
if you wait long enough,

your luck will change?

Turns out that's just
a big pile of c--

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Are they? They are!
It's the triple gull-wing!

That's my play!

Woodson fakes right,
he fakes right again,

he fakes faking right,
and he scores!

They scored on my play!

- Mitchell says you can sell me a house.
- Yes, I can!

- Good call, Phil. Was that your play?!
- Yes, it was!

You're being too rough, Lily.

You cannot just see a guy and, mwah!,
kiss him like that, okay?

Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!

Okay! Okay! Miller's out.
Manny, you're my backup kicker.

I need you to go out
there and nail this.

Although if I miss it,
wouldn't a tie be a perfect way to --

Manny, enough!

You are not gonna
take away my victory!

I mean --
I mean, your victory.

Okay?

Manny, I'm sorry.
I should not have yelled at you.

You can go out there and
do whatever feels right.

Okay? I support you
no matter what.

32! Hut! Hut! Hike!

I won! I won!
I mean, we won!

We won! We won!

Ooph! Sorry, ma'am.

Ma'am? I sit next
to you in English.

Hey, I think I dropped my phone
under the bleachers.

Come get it with me?

Found it.

Great, and world order is restored.

- Can we go home now?
- Yeah. Okay.

Oh, hey, what's that?

"Alex Dunphy dome?"

Uh, I think it says
"Alex Dunphy, do me."

Ugh, who would write
something like that?

No idea.

Hey, you want me
to scratch it out?

No! I mean, pfft,
too late now.

If it's out there,
it's out there.

Hey, champ.

Aren't you gonna go
celebrate with your team?

Yeah, in a minute.

You meant to miss the kick,
didn't you?

I blew it.

I could miss that kick
nine out of ten times.

Why couldn't I miss it
when it counted?

Let me ask you something.

That ball sails
through the uprights,

your team carries you
off the field.

How does that feel?

- Come on.
- Good.

It's fun being part of a team.

And it's really fun
being the hero.

So I think you made
that kick on purpose.

And listen.

I don't think you're willing
to admit it yet,

but somewhere underneath
all that humanity,

there's a competitor -- sorry.

There's a competitor,
and, Manny,

there's nothing wrong with that.

Nothing.

Thanks, coach.

You want to go eat some pizza?

- Sure.
- Me, too.

Hey, you think someday they might
name this field after you?

Well, you're not the first person

to think along those lines.

Earlier today, someone
in the faculty bathroom

was messing around with the phrase
"Cameron Tucker dome."

Just sold the most
expensive house in town,

sight unseen, all cash.

- How 'bout that?
- I'm proud of you, dad.

Pretty great day
for all the Dunphys.

And then I said,
"Michelle, do you honestly believe

every stupid rumor you hear?"

Oh, you haven't heard?

Well, apparently,
one of my exes is just, like...

Tim, I -- I am so sorry
that you got hurt,

and I will get
to the bottom of it,

but I suspect it was sabotage
by the competition,

maybe Closets, Closets,
Closets, Closets.

Not too bad, a little puffy,
kind of like your eyes were

when you saw
"Finding Nemo," Miller.

Like I said -- positive attitude.

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