Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Help - full transcript

Phil tries to get dad back in the dating scene, Jay does not like Gloria's new choice for a nanny, and Mitchell and Cameron are not impressed with their old friend Pepper's plans for their wedding.


No begging.

No begging.
Stella, you're breaking my heart here.

What's breaking your heart
is that sausage and bacon.

- Can you just pick one?
- Don't worry.

- I'm gonna burn it off on the golf course.
- Hmm. How, Jay?

By riding the little cart
or by kicking the ball back into play?

Here. I'm gonna take
Joe Fulgencio to the park.

Can you please stop by the grocery store?

Why doesn't the nanny do this?

You gotta be kidding me.

Gloria has fired five nannies.

I don't like another woman in my house.

I want to be the star.

Stars have nannies.

You know that some of this
is Manny's fault.

Manny!

So Marie, what do you feel like doing
for dinner tonight?

You're eating Dino Bites
because you are a little boy.

Mom!

I'm telling you,
there's an embarrassing press conference...

in that kid's future.

- We're getting married in seven months.
- Or eight months.

I worry about it raining in April.

Well, I worry about me sweating in May.

Okay. We can't decide on anything.

There are too many choices.

Fortunately, one of our best friends
is an event planner.

- Pepper!
- Pepper!

♪ Here come the grooms ♪

♪ All dressed in fun tuxes
from my Pepper collection ♪

Wow. Look at all your ideas.

Honey, this is just the index.

Ronaldo!

I brought linens and place settings
and invitations and stemware.

Hello, I'm Ronaldo.

Don't be such a chatterbox
and go and fetch the platter box.

Now let's lose this couch.

Wow, you need that much space, huh?

No, it's hideous.

This can't be news to you.

Oh.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

You're ruining my life!

- These eggs were delicious.
- Mm.

What life? Get out of my room!

- I put milk in them.
- Oh.

it's not your room anymore!

- Well, they sure are fluffy.
- Mom!

- Hey, Dad.
- Morning, troops.

Claire, I owe you a pack of lady razors.

I'm just gonna go stand out in the yard.

- Seriously, get out!
- I told you it's not your room!

Tension between Haley and Alex
has been getting pretty high...

so our solution was to move Haley down to
the basement, which we were just about to do-

When my dad came out for a weekend visit.

Two weekends ago.

After my mom passed away,
he dated this woman named Annie...

and she broke up with him, and then
he seemed kind of down, so I invited him out.

Gross! Those are my socks!

They are not! Mom!

I'm just gonna pop outside.

I should get her a rake.

Welcome to King's Landing!
I am the evil boy king, and I want your heads!

- Yeah!
- Oh, gosh! Oh!

Ay. look how much they all love you.

Oh, thanks. I'm just trying
to match the energy...

of their video games
and whosits and whatnots.

I'm gonna play tennis.
I can pick you up at noon.

- Oh, hi. Joan, right?
- Yes.

Hi. I'm Andy. I'm her manny- male nanny.

Hi. I'm Gloria.

This might just sound a little crazy...

but I don't think Joan likes me.

Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't.

Her husband's always staring at you,
and she's worried you're gonna steal him.

What?

Be happy, little guy.
This world belongs to you.

I would never steal anybody else's man...

especially not her fat husband.

Hey, he's not fat anymore.
I helped him lose 30 pounds.

Thanks, Andy.

Careful. if I bring you home scratched,
I lose my deposit.

- Hmm.
- I'm kind of a chef too.

Here, try this.

Hmm!

It's quinoa. You actually burn calories
while eating it-

So, Andy, tell me, are you
really happy with that Joan?

Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake.

And my job is to give you the snowflake...

that makes everyone die with jealousy.

That's all we've ever wanted.

So let's start with a color palette.

I'm thinking... purple.

Purple! That is a color! Wow!

- Yeah, we don't love purple.
- Not our favorite.

Excuse me?

It's just that purple
might be a little bit bold for-

No, I get it. You think I'm an idiot.

- No. No!
- No, we don't, Pepper.

Well, obviously, you know better than I.

After all, I've only put on hundreds
of magnificent weddings.

Come, Ronaldo.

They're not interested
in planning a wedding.

They're interested in hurting people.

- No, Pepper. Pepper, wait.
- No, Pepper, wait.

Listen, we can consider purple.

This is just a lot for us to take in.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh!

Of course. I get it.

Let the idea wash over you for a bit.

We had also discussed
a more neutral palette.

Ronaldo! They're washing.

I'm sorry. He means well.

Now let's talk about your entrance.

Yes, entrance.

The idea of two men being able to marry...

seemed like a fantasy...

so I see you riding down
the purple aisle on a-

unicorn.

Are you sure, Grandpa?

It might be fun.

Sorry, Luke.
I just don't think I have it in me today.

Did you see that? When has your dad
ever not wanted to pull Luke's finger?

He's hurting, Phil.
I think he needs to see a therapist.

Claire, he doesn't need a therapist.

Why? Honey, that's what they do.
They help people cope with loss.

They'll even come the house
if we need them to.

I should talk to my dad. You know what?

He was pretty down after the divorce.
I bet he has some insight.

Yeah, 'cause your dad's
so in touch with people's feelings?

When a man is overcome with emotion...

at a Celine Dion concert,
you do not tell him grow a pair!

- Phil!
- The ship went down, but their love lasts forever!

Shh! Dad, hi.

Yeah, listen.
Uh, Frank is really depressed.

I think he should see a therapist.
What do you say?

He doesn't need any of that.

Yeah? Uh-huh.
Th-That's exactly what I said.

- Give me that.
- I-I-

- Jay, what did you just say?
- Take him out and meet some women.

A thousand therapists couldn't do
what Gloria did for me.

Oh, I agree. Claire was wrong.

I'll tell you what. I know a fun place.

Tonight, you, me and Frank
out on the town.

Oh, fun! A three-way!

I already regret this.

I'm excited too.
I got to get going though.

- Mm-mmm.
- All right. Bye.

Gloria, we're back!

Here. Let me lighten your load.

- Who are you?
- I'm the new manny.

Am I being replaced?

Jay, Manny, meet Joe's new manny, Andy.

- Can I talk to you a second?
- No, thank you.

We're gonna need to discuss this.

I get it.
I understand. it's a big decision.

But if it eases your mind at all,
know that I'm not just here for baby Joe.

- I'm here for you too.
- Doesn't ease my mind at all.

My mission is to make all of your lives
happier and healthier.

Is this because I ate that party sub?

Oh, crackers!
I left my phone upstairs in the nursery.

Could you grab it for me?

I know people get all squirrelly
when they hear the word "healthy."

Actually, Manny? My phone is in my pocket.

Sorry, bud.
But my goal is to get you healthy without-

Nope. it is just a pack of gum.
My phone is still upstairs.

Without you even realizing
what's happening.

Wow. I'm such a dodo.
I didn't even bring my phone today.

- I know what you're doing.
- We're gonna talk about it.

Okay. Well, you have my number, so-
I can start tomorrow.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Call me.

- I will!
- Take care!

That's a nonstarter. Keep looking.

- But he's perfect.
- He's a man. it's weird.

He's a weird man.

He's like Phil,
only I have to pay for him.

This is not a dictatorship.
It's a democracy. We vote.

No way. You always bully Manny,
and he caves. He's weak. No offense.

Whoever thinks that we should hire Andy,
raise the hand!

No, sorry, Mom. Not this time.

I can't have that energy in my house.

Fine. Cook your own dinner.

We will. We'll be fine.

- So what are we having?
- You're on your own, kid. I'm going out tonight.

So what do you think?

I like it.

Also, is it a little Willy Wonka?

You're tired. I'll come back tomorrow...

when you're ready to be more constructive.

- Pepper, no.
- Pepper.

Ronaldo, strike this.

Sorry.

I thought I was wearing a cape today.

- Oh.
- Oh, my gosh. What are we gonna do?

I think we have to fire Pepper.

That would kill him.
He's on the brink as it is.

- Why?
- Since the Proposition Ocho was overturned...

he's done 50 gay weddings.

The man is exhausted
searching for new ideas.

You said "ocho" and then you said "50."

You see?

Gays are so nitpicky.

In a straight wedding,
you just have to please the bride...

but the gays have such strong opinions.

It takes a toll on a great artist
like Pepper Saltzman.

You know, I've never thought of it that way.
I mean, look at us.

- We can't agree on one thing.
- No, you're right.

I mean, Cam wants
a rustic country theme...

and I'm looking for something a little more
contemporary and sophisticated.

- It's impossible.
- Maybe you can have both.

Casual elegance, classic with a twist.

- Go on.
- I'd start with raw, natural linen table runners...

to bring the two worlds together.

We eschew the classic round tables...

for rectangular farm tables,
but keep the setting clean and modern.

And then-

- Yes?
- No, I mustn't.

This is wrong.
Pepper is my boss and my mentor!

Oh, and he's our friend.
What are we doing?

We-We got caught up.
We gave in to temptation.

- L-l should go.
- Don't!

I must.

Vintage handkerchiefs
for the guests to cry into.

Ronaldo, wait!

French bistro stemless wine glasses.

I've said too much.

- Ronaldo!
- He's gone, Cam.

Yep.

Guys, we can't stand around all night.

At some point,
we have to talk to somebody.

Come on. How about those two?

Let's go over there.

Oh, my God.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.

- Hello, ladies.
- Not interested.

Wow. I-I just said hello.

We're just kind of having a girls' night.

Kathy, be nice. I'm Marcy.

I'm Jay. This is Frank and, uh, Phil.

Hey-lo. I mean hey. Or hello.

I don't know.

And for the record,
I just wanted to introduce my friend.

I wasn't trying
to pick you up or anything.

I'm heartbroken.

- We don't mean to disturb you.
- Oh, you're not disturbing us.

- You have sweet eyes.
- Thank you.

- I'm from Florida.
- I love Florida!

Would you like to sit down, Frank?

Well, uh- Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God. it's happening.

- For your information, I'm married to a gorgeous woman.
- Uh-huh.

Dad, Jay and I
are gonna grab a drink from the bar.

- Sure.
- I think I have a picture of her here on this somewhere.

- Let's go, Jay.
- She won beauty pageants.

- Okay.
- I'm a catch.

Let's get out of here.
This place is dead anyway.

Hey, there's Casanova.

I didn't hear you come in last night.

- So, uh, how'd it go with Marcy?
- Oh, it was okay.

But I actually met someone else
while I was waiting for a taxi.

Well, all right.

And she's downstairs right now.

Well, all right.

Truth is, I, um,
have a bit of a situation.

She says I owe her $500.

Please tell me
you broke something of hers.

No. Turns out she's a hooker.

- You picked up a hooker?
- Well, I didn't know she was a hooker.

We're in my kitchen.
We have to stop saying "hooker!"

You got to get her out of here
before Claire gets back from yoga.

She's not gonna leave
until she gets the cash.

Five hundred dollars?
I think you got ripped off.

- Hey, can I have a hit of that coffee?
- Oh, that's fine.

Trust me. He did not get ripped off.

No, that's good. it's yours.

247. I'm gonna have to run
to an A.T.M.

How could you not know?

Uh- The drinks, the flirting.

I couldn't think straight.

Have you ever touched the smooth,
taut skin of a 48-year-old woman?

I hope to one day...

but that's not gonna happen
if Claire gets home and-

- Hi! I'm back.
- Hey!

Frank, did you have fun last night?

- He did not.
- Hey, who's the woman in the kitchen?

Beats me. I think I'll go freshen up.

There's a woman in the kitchen?

There's a woman in the kitchen.
Yeah, she's a therapist.

The therapist that you recommended.

So I decided it was a good idea.

Oh, that means the world
that you listened to me.

- Thank you.
- Oh, you should get a shower upstairs.

- No, I want to say hi.
- No, not sweaty like that. You smell.

- No, uh-
- Hi. Hi, I'm Claire.

I'm Frank's daughter-in-law, and I just
want to thank you so much for coming...

and helping him out this way.

- It was my idea.
- No, it wasn't.

- Okay.
- All right.

No, hey. I've never told anyone this...

but I have always wanted to do
what you do.

- I think I'd be really good at it.
- No, she wouldn't.

What are you talking about? it's basically
what I already do for the whole neighborhood.

- At least this way, I get paid for it.
- Mm.

Uh-huh. I got a standing 10:30
I got to get to.

- Yes, you do.
- Mom, I'm gonna throw up!

Alex's hair smells like cheese!

It is not cheese!
It is cruelty-free organic shampoo...

- with traces of churned goat's milk!
- So cheese!

Ew, I need a bucket!

Ladies, we have a guest.

I am- I'm really sorry about this.

I'm just at my wit's end with these two.

I don't suppose you have
any experience with teenagers?

Oh, no.

You two remind me of me and my sister.

We used to fight all the time.

I used to accuse her
of stealing my boyfriends.

She would accuse me of trying to stab her.

- You know, sister stuff.
- Oh, my God.

Trust me, if I wanted to stab her,
that skank be stabbed.

She's not a therapist, is she?

Just-

I didn't sleep a wink.

I-i cannot stop thinking about Ronaldo.

I know. I dreamt our wedding
made the cover of Modern Gay Grooms...

and that there was
a magazine called Modern Gay Grooms.

Okay, that's- that's Pepper.

Let's just ask him
to let Ronaldo take the lead.

And risk hurting Pepper?

For all we know, Ronaldo hasn't
even given us a second thought.

I couldn't stop thinking about you.

What happened here yesterday was real.

Oh, Ronaldo, we felt it too.

- But what about Pepper?
- I left him.

- What?
- It's over.

He doesn't look at me the way you do.

Oh, this is all happening so fast.

For me too.
But my heart was racing when I left here.

You are my muses-es.

Oh, I feel so guilty.

One quick look. No one has to know.

Oh.

Oh, Ronaldo, what have you done?

Mitchell! Cameron!

- Oh, no!
- Quick! Hide!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'll hide.

- Cam, not you.
- Okay, yeah. Go, go, go, go, go.

Ronaldo left me.

- What?
- No!

- The swine.
- Oh!

Someone put it in his head that
he could do this without me.

But mark my words, I will destroy him...

and whatever wedding
he thinks he's planning.

Okay, well, that's one way to go.

Daddies, there's a man in the bathroom.

What?

- That's a Wiggles song.
- It's a Wiggles song.

♪ Daddy, there's a man
in the bathroom ♪

♪ There's a man in the ♪

- It's okay, honey. it's okay.
- ♪ He's in the shower ♪

Ronaldo was nothing before I found him...

living in squalor in a dump
barely bigger than this.

How could he do this to me?

Because you never listen to anybody.

I have good ideas,
but you're too thick-headed to hear them.

Ronaldo, how did you get here?

It was you two.

You plotted against me.

I bet that's not even
a Wiggles song, is it?

- Is it?
- No.

- Oh.
- Pepper, we can explain.

Oh.

Do you have any idea how hard I work?

Well, maybe that's part of the problem.

I mean, you've been
through the mill, Pepper.

Heard it.

I've done 53 gay weddings, and-

And... none of them are mine.

- Oh.
- Pepper.

And whose fault is that?

I feel like you're implying mine,
but I really don't see it.

How can a man with such flair for setting tables
leave no seat for one who loves him?

- Oh, my God.
- Ronaldo's in love with Pepper.

I know.
That's why I said, "Oh, my God."

Pepper, do you hear
what Ronaldo is saying?

Of course I do. I'm not a fool.

He thinks I can't set a table.

No, no, no.
Ronaldo is in love with you. Go to him.

What?

You're in love with me?

Sí.

It is true. Yes.

God, that would drive me crazy.

Ronaldo, I- I don't know what to say.

I mean, of course when I hired you,
I found you very attractive.

That's why I hire all my people.

But I-

I never thought you... would find me-

¿Perfecto?

Because that's what you are- perfect.

No, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I can't.

Gloria, I forgot my towel!

Here it is.
Nice and toasty from the dryer.

Gloria!

She ran to the store. Breakfast in five.

Your underpants are pressed
and on your bed.

Gloria!

So if I'm hearing you right...

you're not so much mad
about the prostitute in the kitchen...

as you are about my lying to you.

No, I'm mad about the prostitute
in the kitchen.

- Mm.
- That's my bad.

Yes, it is.
It's your bad, Frank. Very bad.

Look, I'm a progressive woman.

I-i took a pole dancing class.

I sent my daughter to college
with condoms.

Now I think that sends the wrong message.

- Thank you very much.
- No, you don't get to judge!

Frank, I'm-

I know you're upset
about Annie breaking up with you.

Wait, Annie didn't break up with me.

I broke up with her.

- What?
- Why? I thought she was so great!

Well, I got scared.

I didn't know how to...
be with another woman.

I thought your mother and I
would be together forever.

- Ah-
- I'm sorry, Dad.

I never would have
gone through with it last night...

but, uh, Jeannie was so nice
and professional.

Thank you, Frank.

And for what it's worth,
you got nothing to be nervous about.

- You were wonderful.
- Really? You think so?

Yeah.

If you love that woman,
you should go get her back.

She'd be lucky to have you.

Oh.

Seriously. I see a lot of guys your age.

- Most of them can barely-
- Okay. Let's get you in that cab.

I love your kids.

- That Alex is like a little me.
- Oh, my God.

Good morning, boss, junior boss.

Grab a seat and check it out.

Egg white omelet,
high-protein smoothies...

then I thought we could put on
our running shoes-

I need to cut you off right there, chief.

Seems my wife overstepped her bounds.

Now, you seem like a nice guy.

- Thanks.
- But I don't think you're the best fit for this house.

Are- Are you serious?

- I'm afraid so.
- Okay.

- It was the underpants, wasn't it?
- That didn't help.

Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it!

My dad warned me about that
when I turned 14.

He said, "Son, you're about to be
the man of the family.

You got to learn to give people time
to see how special you are."

- Why were you the man of the family?
- Uh-

- He sort of died.
- How?

I don't wanna bring you down, little man.

Neither did my dad.

He'd say, "My disease can't be all bad
if it rhymes with 'answer."'

Those are the flaxseed muffins
that I just baked.

I'll just take 'em out
and get out of here.

Andy, wait.

We're never gonna eat 'em.

Well, then. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

- What didn't work out?
- My mission here.

It was really nice
to meet you though, Mrs. P.

You didn't even give him a chance.

- We took a vote, Mom.
- You gotta respect the vote.

No! You make me hire these nannies
that I don't like.

But when I find one
that I like, you fire him?

I am the one that spends most of the time
around here, so I get to pick!

Shh. Sometimes the louder we are,
the less we're heard.

- You're frustrated right now, aren't you?
- Yes.

Because you feel
like they're not hearing you.

Yes.

Well, that's exactly how they feel.

I'm sorry that I ignored your feelings.

I promise that I will try
not to yell so much.

You're hired.

- What?
- You'd better drink that smoothie.

- We're going on a run!
- This isn't over.

Life isn't easy.

Sometimes we just need a little help-

Getting your confidence back.

Getting on the same page.

Getting out of your own way.

Or just getting moving.

And I'm pleased as punch to be the one-

Okay, this is tough enough
without all the yammering!

Sorry.

Whoo!

What would you like to dance to?

I have to tell you...

we have to have
some sort of square dancing.

We're not doing country.

No square dancing.
There will be no hoedown tonight.

My family is going
to throw a fit. They're gonna riot.

We're not getting married
for them. We're getting married for us.

I think we have
a decorative cake out front...

then we have sheet cakes in the back.

Oh, I see.
Is that the theme you're going for- tacky?

"Sheet," like a sheet.

Oh, "sheet."
I thought he said "chic cake."

- Pepper!
- All of my cakes are chic.

Oh, they are, yeah!