Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Late Show - full transcript

Gloria, honey!
I'm ready whenever you are!

We should hurry.
The reservation's at 7:00.

Claire, where are you?

Okay, see you in two.

What are you doing?

I'm striking a seductive pose
for your mother.

Gross.
But I like the suit. Is that new?

Oh, yeah.
Now that his honey gots her own money...

Daddy went and snagged hisself
some new threads, girl.

Hands down, your funniest voice.

Bordering on the offensive.



Listen, I'm a Realtor,
and I work a lot with families...

so normally I dial the sexy back to five.

But, uh, Claire's been
working very hard lately.

So tonight-

Stick around if you want to see
your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.

Not unless you want to see
my lunch fall out of mine.

Oh, I'm sorry. I am late!
Traffic was horrible.

Sounds like someone could use
a tall drink of water.

Yeah, right. Water.

Luke, what did I tell you about
leaning back on that thing?

- I don't know. "Don't"?
- Honey, what are you still doing here?

You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.

But I have to drop off Alex
to watch Lily first...

and she's still not ready.



She can't be concerned
about her looks, right?

- I can hear you!
- I'm kidding.

I'm just saying it'd be sad
to think she actually tries.

- Heard that too!
- It was a joke.

Man, do big ears actually hear better?

Oh, my God. Just stop talking.

Okay, girls. it's time for you guys
to hit the road.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye. Why aren't you going with them?

He wanted to stay home.
I said it was okay.

- By himself?
- It's fine.

If he's old enough to watch
The Walking Dead with me-

- He's not.
- then he's old enough to stay home alone.

- He's not.
- Claire, he's not a little boy anymore.

- I'm fine.
- See how deep his voice is?

Are you okay?

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

Oh, this is Haley.

- "Be there in five. Alex took ducking forever."
- it's fine.

Know what? We have to pick
the "save the date" card. I'm at a loss.

Can we do it tomorrow? I hate the way
my dad looks at us when we're late...

like we're two silly queens blasting disco music,
primping, losing track of time.

Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh?

Okay, quick. Which one do you like?

- Uh, that one.
- Really? I think you picked too quick.

- No, I didn't. I really like that one.
- I really like this one.

Then why did you ducking ask me?
Fine, go with yours.

- If that's the one you really like.
- Can you just get ready?

- Yeah. Lily, hit it.
- On it!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

I've never seen you so excited
about a restaurant.

I've waited six weeks
for this reservation.

They have an Australian Wagyu beef...

that's supposed to change your life.

In the way heart disease
changes your life?

Because you're a pillar of health.

They only feed this cow alfalfa,
barley and red wine...

and some chef handpicks
each cut, dry ages it 35 days...

before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare-
all for me.

Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?

It's not The Far Side.
The cow doesn't drive anywhere.

Gloria, let's go.

- You know she's not here, right?
- What?

She's having her hair blown out.

That's a thing? That I pay for?

Gloria's always late.

Then I get mad and tell her to hurry,
we yell, and it just takes longer.

So I promised myself,
no matter how late she is...

just to take some deep breaths
and stay calm.

That's the only thing
I learned in Lamaze class...

because we were always late.

Hi!

Everybody's driving like crazy tonight.

I took San Vicente thinking
that I was gonna save some time...

but then they're working on the sewer.

So I went around Montana, down Moreno.

Ay. but then there's that dip in the road.

I always forget
about that dip in the road.

I hit it so hard that I spilled the coffee
all over the car.

Did I tell you who I had coffee with?

I think Luke is scared
to be left in the house alone...

and he's just pretending
to be brave for you.

Honey, he's 14.
We left Alex alone when she was 10.

We didn't leave her. We forgot her.

And when we got home, she was fine-

- physically.
- Mmm.

Plus, she's still friends
with that sweet 911 operator.

Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- Making sure that Luke knows...

what to do in case of emergency.

Of course he does.

Someone's at the door.

Luke, it's just your mom testing you.

Don't worry, Mom. if I hear that
while you're gone, I won't answer.

I'll just hide where no one can find me.

- Cam, come on. Let's go.
- Two seconds.

I thought that being with a man meant
that I wouldn't have to wait around like this.

I feel cheated. I do.

Let's play dolls.

Actually, I want to read you
one of my favorite books.

It's called Little Women,
and it's about four sisters...

who overcome poverty and the patriarchy-

Nope! Dolls.

This is Ashley. She's a wife.

Well, I hope that's not
the only thing that defines her.

- Does she have a career?
- Nope, she shops. Where's Haley?

How come it takes me five minutes
to get ready, and you take forever?

Oh, please. I could get ready
in five minutes too if I dressed like-

You did it again?

- Not changing.
- Not changing.

Fasten your seat belts.
It's going to be a crazy night.

No, honey. "it's gonna be a bumpy night."

Remember? You can't have two dads
and make that mistake.

- Bumpy night.
- Okay, so how often does this happen?

- Too often.
- Men just don't have that many options.

I can't tell you the number of times I've walked
by a women's boutique and just thought...

"What I would do
to have that many choices."

Don't ever say that again.
I don't like any part of it.

One of us has to change.
We look like twin toddlers at church.

Yeah, tell me about it. And this place
we're going is supposed to be super hip.

We're probably gonna run into someone.

And come on.
I don't have that many outfits.

My clothes take up exactly
one-quarter of the closet.

That's not fair.
My clothes are bigger than yours.

I hate to play this card,
but I was dressed first.

Oh, that is silly. Lily, it's time to play
"Who Wore it Best?"

Nope. I'm not doing this again. I can't.

Fine. Alex.

Uh, I don't know.
Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.

Really?

I don't get it.
Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?

- Thank you.
- Honest to God.

Have neither of you seen a cow?
They're huge.

I bet tequila would do it quicker.

It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.

You gotta be kidding me.
Manny, see why your mother's taking so long.

And don't tell her I sent you.

- Mom, hurry!
- Don't yell. I could have yelled.

- Then why didn't you?
- Because I didn't want to yell. I want you to go.

- Why can't you go?
- Why can't you do what I ask?

I'm trying to do something new here!

Stop yelling, Jay! I'm ready!

Oh, geez. Haley, Manny knows
where all the baby stuff is...

and if Joe won't go to bed, just put on Gladys
Knight and bounce him around a little bit.

Oh, you still do that?
I loved when you did that with us.

How about that? Somebody in this family
remembers a nice thing I did.

I remember something nice you did.

You bought me this dress yesterday
when you were working.

- How do I look?
- Gorgeous. Let's go.

You haven't even looked at me.
Haley?

Well, "A," your hair looks amazing,
like you just got off a horse.

That's exactly what I was going for.

- But if I had one thought-
- Nope! No thoughts.

Are those for sure the best earrings?

They seem to be kind of getting lost.

- I have the same color in a bigger size.
- How much bigger?

- Like a meter.
- A meter? That's like a foot.

- Actually, it's like a yard.
- Oh, sorry- it's like a millimeter.

- You mean a centimeter.
- All this math. Just show me.

Okay.

- Gloria!
- What?

I think the new earrings are really gonna
tie your whole outfit together.

You're so sweet.

Wow. That was very mature of you.

Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now
than when she started getting dressed.

So this sound-

That's the doorbell.

That other sound was the smoke alarm.

- Got it.
- Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza.

They don't screen those delivery guys.

- Half of them are ex-cons.
- Stop it. You're gonna scare him.

- It's gonna be fine.
- But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself...

- against the back of a chair to get the food out.
- He'll just drink stuff.

- Nothing from under the sink.
- Even if it's lemony?

I'm just messing with you.

In case of fire, go low and get out.

- In case of earthquake-
- Wait. You think there could be an earthquake?

Last time we had one,
that big cabinet fell on me.

- No, it didn't.
- It did?

- Let's go.
- Bye, honey. We love you. Do you have the keys?

We're gonna check in. I promise!

Uh, what's going on?

- New suit?
- This old thing?

- Yes, it is.
- Huh.

I got it at this hipster place downtown.

- You like it?
- It's tight.

Well, the salesman said
it was the style...

and he looked like a Mumford & Son,
so I think he'd know.

Mmm. Let's go.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, FloJo.

You know what? We don't have time
for this. I'll just change.

Well, now I feel bad. Let's both
just change. That's the fair thing to do.

Okay, fine. But quickly, please.

Okay.

Uh-

I don't know.

It's blue.

Yeah, this one's so yellow.

Oh, you know what? I have a stain
on this one. I can't wear it.

Oh, paisley, yeah. I don't know.

- Are you kidding me right now?
- What?

I know this trick, Cam.
You take forever to pick out an outfit...

knowing very well that I'll say,
"Let's just go," because we're late.

Meantime, you get credit for offering to change
while I'm the one who actually does.

- As usual.
- Excuse me.

- Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?
- Actually-

Because that's what
my mother used to accuse me of...

and I gotta say that brings up
a lot of stuff with me.

- You're crying without tears.
- Give me a minute.

"'Christmas won't be Christmas
without any presents,' grumbled Jo.

'It's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed"-

Stop. I hate this.

Can I put makeup on you?

Why does everyone ask me that?

Let's just have
a good time tonight, all right?

- I'm not mad.
- Okay, good.

And you do look super-duper
handsome in that.

Don't even.
I'm gonna grab a water for the road.

Yeah, get me a soda.
Okay, Alex. Thank you so much.

Have a fun night. Honey, we love you.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Okay, and remember,
no eating in the living room.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- What did you do? What did you do?
- Oh, come on.

- You can't possibly think-
- You shook this can...

so you could wear the outfit
that I wanted to wear?

That is exactly what I think.

That is insane. You saw me take it
from the refrigerator and bring it to you.

Did I? Or were you out of my sight
for the two seconds...

that it took you to get
from the refrigerator to here...

which would have given you exactly
the right amount of time to shake the can?

Nice theory, Nancy Grace,
but I'm not that petty.

Okay, you two. Did you see anything?

Just pretend you're coloring.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm trying to reach the mirror.
I got something in my eye.

Hi You've reached the Dunphys-

Why isn't Luke picking up?

It's hard to reach the phone when you're
tied up by a recently paroled pizza guy.

Ha, ha. You're very funny.

What are you doing?

I know it sounds weird-
call it mother's intuition-

but I just have this feeling
that something is wrong.

Fine, do what you want,
but I've just about had it up to-

higher than here with this.

Oh!

Die, pizza man!

Ow! Ow! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Oh. Sorry, Mom.

Wow. Told you
he could take care of himself.

Move.

Why does she do this?
We're gonna lose our table.

She knows how important it is to me
to be on time.

- This is torture.
- I think you've lost perspective, Jay.

You know what I would give
to wait around for a woman like that?

Reel it in, creepy.
That's your mother up there.

Sorry, sorry. Once I changed the earrings,
I had to change the shoes.

And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses,
which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.

Ay. your body's beautiful.

- I agree.
- Take it outside the family.

Okay, we ready to go?

Oh, wait. I have the wrong lipstick.

- Oh, that's it! I've had it!
- Just one minute!

Nothing takes a minute with you.
We're leaving right now.

I don't care what you have to do.
It's bad enough you're being rude to me...

but you're being rude to the people
sitting there waiting for us!

Sorry. You're the first to arrive,
and we can't seat you till everyone's here.

I hope you're happy.

Where the hell is everybody?

- Yes, I hate waiting like this.
- Do you?

Just because everybody else is late
doesn't make it okay for us to be late.

- I can't get ready fast with all the yelling!
- I wasn't yelling.

You see, you're doing it again!

Gloria, you do this every single time.

If you know how long it takes you to get ready,
why don't you start earlier?

- I have my reasons.
- I would love to know them.

- You're going to be mean.
- I promise I won't be.

I like to make an entrance.

What's that now?

I like the part where I go in
and everybody's waiting for me...

and they say-

"Gloria, you look so pretty,
and that dress is so beautiful."

- Is that so bad?
- I don't love it.

Oh, this room is so nice.

I know. it's almost as gorgeous as-

You monster!

What? Oh, this?

Well, you know, you couldn't wear it,
so I figured, what's the harm?

Mmm. You know what?
I will go over there...

and I will be as socially magnetic
as I always am.

We will put this on the back burner...

but underneath,
I want you to know I am fuming.

- Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?
- She's, uh-

- She was here a second-
- There are my boys!

Gloria, you look so pretty.

Your dress is so beautiful.

You gotta be kidding me.

You let him watch
those scary shows with you...

and then we leave him home alone at night.

Of course he's gonna arm himself.

He was fine until you gave him
your "50 ways to die" speech.

- What was the one about the welcome mat?
- They are highly flammable.

For seven to 10 people a year,
they may as well say, "Welcome to the morgue."

You know what? Drop it.
I don't want to fight in public.

- It's embarrassing.
- Fine.

Hi. How are you?

- Good evening.
- Good- Oh, my leg's asleep!

My leg's asleep. Okay, thank you.

Oh.

Sir, if the rest of your party doesn't arrive soon,
we have to give up your table.

- Any minute.
- Again, Dad, sorry we're late.

Yeah, Mitchell put on some music,
and we were primping and dancing around...

and I guess, well,
we just lost track of time.

Actually, Dad, what happened
was Cam was practicing this trick...

where he pretends to be accommodating
and then magically gets his way.

There they are.

- We need a second.
- Cam, no!

- Where are you guys going?
- Can't talk. Too mad.

Oh.

Come on.

Hi, Dad. Where's Gloria?

- She- For the love of-
- There you are!

- Whoa! Wow!
- Oh, my goodness! That dress!

Gloria, holy mackerel.

We're so sorry we're late.
We had to drop Luke off at your place.

Phil wanted him to stay home alone,
but he got scared.

Man, I can't wait to get
some food in my mouth and yours.

Poor Haley. What is she going to do
with all those boys?

♪ I'll be with him ♪

♪ I know you will ♪

♪ On that midnight
train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight train
to Georgia ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
- Whoo, whoo!

You know what? I resent the implication
that I always get my way.

Really? The "save the date" cards.

- For our wedding?
- Oh, so it is still our wedding.

I wasn't sure I was even invited...

because you keep asking for my opinion
and then doing the exact opposite.

- That's one thing.
- What about the music?

I think our love
deserves a band, not a deejay.

- The tablecloths.
- They make sneakers out of that fabric.

You won't let me pick one thing,
and you want to know why?

Because I have better taste than you.

I was gonna say because you're a control freak.

And how can you think
that I have bad taste?

We chose the exact same outfit.

Did we? I wore fun loafers.
You wore sensible oxfords.

Your collar's buttoned down.
Mine's a more current widespread.

And I chose a bold pocket square
to bring out the stripe in the shirt...

all of which you wouldn't have thought of
because, well, I've already said.

You don't like my oxfords?

I'm sorry. I'm being harsh.

- They're fine.
- Thank you.

For a small-town detective.

Okay, look.
I can't help myself. I did it again.

So I-I don't love them, but I do love you.

And I don't want you to feel left out.

Okay. Then let me have a say
in planning our wedding.

- That's what we agreed to.
- You will and you should, and I'm sorry.

Thank you.

- Can you just do one thing for me?
- Sure.

Just be honest,
and I'll let this go forever.

Did you shake that can?

No.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

See, Phil?
They don't let Manny stay home alone.

Why do you think Haley's there?

Actually, we let Manny
stay home all the time.

And sometimes he makes cupcakes, which I
could use one right about now. Or a potato.

Haley's there to take care of Joe.

Are you sure, guys?
'Cause Claire's always right about everything...

all the time, forever and ever.

Thank God.
Here they are. Fiona, we're all here.

Actually, Dad, we could use a moment.

I'm going to eat my hand.

"Jo immediately sat up, put her hands
in her pockets and began to whistle.

'Don't, Jo. it's so boyish!'

'That's why I do it.'

'I detest rude, unladylike girls!'

'I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits!"'

Okay, this stinks. I give up.

Thank God. Want to see your hair?

Wow. Lily, that's actually good.

Can you really do makeup?

Stay there.

Is it really too much to ask
that you consult me...

before you make such a big decision?

Claire, when you went back to work,
you asked me to take the reins.

So I think you need to trust me now.

Do you really think I'd put Luke
in a dangerous situation?

He's my favorite,
which I did not just say.

- If anything happens to him-
- it won't. if you haven't noticed...

I'm pretty good at this, as hard as it is
for you to pay me a compliment.

- Where is that coming from?
- Well, do you like this suit?

I wouldn't know,
because all you said was, "it's tight"...

and not in a cool black way.

Wait, a-are you trying to say
that you squeezed yourself in that for me?

Yes. You've been a little distracted at work,
so I wanted to look nice for you.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

You're right.

Luke probably would have been fine...

and I am having a hard time letting go.

And if there's one person
in the world I trust, it is you.

And?

And...

you look hot in that suit.

When we get home later-

Okay, you're actually gonna need to stop.

This suit can't get any tighter.

Hey, we're back.

Nobody goes anywhere.

Everybody hold hands,
and we go right to the table.

- Fiona?
- Actually, we just gave away your table.

I'm sorry, but I did warn you about this.

Listen to me, Fiorina.

This man has been waiting to eat
in this restaurant for months!

We were all selfish, and we made him late.

And maybe I got a little crazy,
but I'm gonna think about that later.

But he has done nothing wrong.

So we're not gonna leave this place...

until he eats that drunk cow
that he can't shut up his mouth about!

Why you haven't move?

Last night, I had the greatest meal
I've ever had.

And it never would have happened if Gloria hadn't
got us kicked out of that snooty restaurant.

Tacos.

- Tacos, yes.
- I need a taco.

Taco truck!

- Mmm!
- That is delicious.

No, but seriously, who looks better?

I don't know if it was
the six scotches I drank..

Waiting for everybody, or the fact that
I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast...

or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up.

They even played my favorite song

♪ He's leaving ♪

♪ Leaving ♪

- Dad.
- ♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight train ♪

♪ Said he's going back to find ♪

- ♪ Going back to find ♪
- ♪ A simpler place in time ♪

- Yeah!
- Ooh!

♪ And I'll be with him ♪

♪ Yes, he will ♪

♪ On that midnight train
to Georgia ♪

A train I'd never make
00.

♪ I'd rather live in his world ♪

♪ Than be without him in mine ♪♪

Here you go.

I didn't know what you wanted to drink,
so I just got you this soda.

Oh, that's fine. Thank you.

- Cam, what did you do?
- I did exactly what you did, because I know you so well.

I didn't shake the soda.

Then you have nothing to worry about,
so go ahead and open it.

I shook it, okay?
I shook the soda. I shook it up!

Are you happy?

It was petty and stupid
and awful. I'm sorry.

Damn it.

Ah!