Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 23 - The Wedding, Part 1 - full transcript

Good morning,
almost husband.

Good morning, almost-- oh.
No! No!

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, calm down.

This can't be the first time

you've woken up with other
men in your bedroom.

Happy wedding day!

What are you doing here?

You pay for a full-service wedding,

you get our full packages.

Ohh.

Close, honey. So close.



- And we're crossing.
- We're crossing.

- And trays down.
- And trays down.

Napkins.

Relax. Enjoy.

The car will pick you up at 4:00

to whisk you away to your
beautiful hilltop wedding.

How's the weather?

I had a dream
it rained on everyone.

Dry as a bone.

The only thing it will
be raining tonight is men.

We really need it.
Mm.

Has anyone heard from Sal?

No.

And I will never understand



why you asked that boozy us-hag
to officiate your wedding.

We didn't exactly ask Sal.

- Sal...
- Mm-hmm.

...we have something very
important to talk to you about.

Yeah, we hope that maybe you
would be open to the idea--

Yes! I will totally
officiate your wedding!

Oh, my drinks!

It was supposed to be
an intervention.

Hey, best man.

Hello, blushing bride.

I feel like I should
hate that more.

Yeah, I think I might go
with "best person."

Anyway, I'm just calling
to see how you're doing.

I'm great.

Really?

I-I-- is this
about mom again?

I told you--
I'm fine.

My mother can't come
to the wedding.

She was at a yoga retreat,

and she fell out of
a warrior pose,

and she broke her hip.

Should we consider the possibility

that someone pushed her?

Cam, please.

They were a bunch of
peace-loving hippies

who spent two weeks in
the rainforest with my mother.

Of course
someone pushed her.

I'm actually relieved
she's not coming.

She has given me the gift
of a crazy-free wedding.

I know. I was just
a little sad for you.

Mom's a no-show,

and you and dad
are hardly even speaking.

Enough about dad.

He doesn't get gay weddings,

and I don't get track suits
as casualwear.

Can we please talk about
something happy,

like my honeymoon
in Mexico?

Oh, yeah,
you're gonna want to

take a look
at the weather channel.

- Hilarious.
- Love you.

Love you, too.

You're gonna
get the gift today, right?

Don't we have a year
to do that?

No, I have a husband
to do that.

They fell in love with

this very specific turquoise
Italian glass bowl.

I looked everywhere,
finally found one,

and we're not going to
that wedding without it.

Wait. I-I thought you were
taking me to the eye doctor.

They said I'm not
supposed to drive myself home.

No, no, no, no.

I'm picking up Luke
from his wilderness trip.

Alex can take you.

That's a bummer.

Aww, dad, I'm touched.

No, not because of you.
I'd just rather pick up Luke.

Than go to the eye doctor.

I-I love
spending time with you.

Don't worry--
you're fun.

Wow.

My dad would
never admit this,

but when he wants fun,
he goes straight to Luke.

They have a weird connection.

They're like Batman and Robin.

Dad and I are more like
Batman and Ruth bader ginsburg.

Honey,
don't be like that.

You're super fun!

You sure
I can't get Luke?

I heard that!

Let's do this!

Hello.

Hey, mom. Gloria wants to know if she
can do your hair and makeup last

after me and Cam's mom.

It's fine.

Something about Luke--
I've lost interest.

Okay, love you. Bye!

Damn, this is the best
cup of coffee I ever had.

Manny roasts his own beans
every Friday night.

That kid's gonna be roasting
his own beans for a long time,

if you know what I mean.

Can I just say thank you again
for letting us stay here?

You have thanked us enough
with that big bag of deer meat.

Aww.
Hey, mom.

Can you see this?

What pimple?

I knew it.

I can't go
looking like this.

Weddings are
where you meet girls.

Not at this one.

- Well, we better be going.
- Yeah.

Have a great spa day.

Men don't have spa days.

We're just going to the club,
taking a steam,

having a couple of rubdowns.

Hey.

Do they serve cucumber water
at that place?

Sometimes they do
a strawberry-basil mix.

Ah.

- Merle?
- Yes, ma'am?

Be back in time
for me to do your tie.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

I'm so sorry
you had to see that.

See what?

The way we just
snapped at each other.

Are you joking?

Obviously, Merle and I
are going through

a heck of a rough patch.

If I talked to Jay
that nice,

He would think
I'm cheating on him.

Mrs. P...

...My darn taxi never came.

I'm gonna miss my flight.

No.

I just--

I don't want to
deal with this right now

'Cause I'm already
so scared of flying.

I just hate
everything about it--

except for the food.

I don't understand
how they get such bold flavors

out of that tiny kitchen.

Haley, can you drive Andy
to the airport, please?

- She doesn't want to do that.
- Aww, you get me.

Haley.

I don't have a car.
I got dropped off.

I guess we can
take my car.

That's settled.
Go.

Fine.

Okay.

We really need to hurry.

Relax.
We'll get there.

You just worry about

being strapped
in a giant metal tube

30,000 feet in the air.

That's right--
I heard.

- Hey.
- What?

I just thought of something.

What's going on
with my hair today?

Daddy's going to do it up
really pretty with flowers.

Not you, right?

No, other daddy.

Oh, thank God.

Mitchell,
this is not my tuxedo!

They gave me
the wrong order!

And the fuchsia gown
didn't tip you off?

I have like nine shirts this color.
I'm wearing a shirt this color.

Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.

We have plenty of time
to go to the dry-cleaner.

We knew that there would be
a bump today,

and here it is.
We're getting it done early.

This is our bump.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. Okay.
So, this is our bump.

I can't handle this.

We're getting married
in five hours.

I don't have
my perfectly tailored tux.

I can't just go
buy something off the rack.

I'm not Cindy Crawford.

Why a woman?

I'm just wondering.

What are we gonna do?

We could eat.

We just need to
get in touch with the owner.

Y-you, uh,
you know his name, right?

It's...Aziz something?
Oh, oh.

It's-- it's--
uh, no, it's a-Amir.

It's--
it's not Amir, no.

Oh, no,
it's, uh, Ahmad.

It's achmed.
No. Oh, it's on the ticket.

Now I'm just
feeling racist.

What is it?
Here it is.

It's...
Jerry.

J-- oh, Jerry.
Amari.

Jerry Amari.

There you go.

Can you
see better in here?

A little, but those drops
are really hanging on.

I'm like han solo right when
he came out of the carbonite.

Really?
Nothing?

I get it.
It's "Star Trek."

You're breaking my heart.

Save it for Luke.
He'll love that.

Can we just get the gift
and get out of here?

Right,
but first things first.

Let's put on some funny hats,
act like they're not there,

and then walk around
all serious.

What's the point
of this?

That's good.
You're nailing it.

Hey, honey.

How was the eye exam?

Great.

I can barely see.

I'm wearing giant sunglasses
and a girly hat.

Alex and I
are having a blast.

But you got the gift,
right?

That's
what people tell me.

Honey, the bowl.

I have the bowl.

It's beautiful.

I'll--
I'll see you at home.

Hey, here's a thought--

now that you told mom
you got the bowl,

how about we actually
go get it?

Yes,
no more fooling around.

Let's go get the bowl.

Oh, right after we find out
our sleep number.

Ow!

There's my guy.

I thought
dad was picking me up.

Oh.
I missed you, too.

Come here.

Aww.

So, did you have fun?

Yeah.

What was
your favorite thing?

I don't remember.

It was yesterday.

Hot dogs.
Can we go now?

Honey, I feel bad
that you have to leave early.

What are you missing today?

Boating.

Well, I mean,
we have a little time.

You don't mind
waiting in the car?

So, Cam tells me you and Mitch
had a little dust-up.

Yeah.

A couple of weeks ago.

That kid
can hold a grudge.

A little uncomfortable
about that wedding, are you?

Well, you know
what I'm feeling, right?

I'd like to think
I've evolved on the subject.

We got a couple of
lesbo swans in the pond.

They seem pretty happy.

Hey, Jay.

Hey, Howard, Larry.

This is my, uh...

This is my friend Merle,
and he's visiting from Missouri.

Ooh,
the "show me" state.

Don't say that in here!

So, what brings you
to town, Merle?

Well, uh, my-- our--

Jay's and my...Kids
are getting married today.

Congratulations.

Isn't that nice?

Father of the bride,
father of the groom

taking a steam together
the day of the wedding.

Yeah,
something like that.

The day my son got married--
piece of cake.

But the day
I lost my little girl--

ohh, that wrecked me.

So, which one of you has to
suffer through that today?

You know what?
It's too hot in here.

Yeah.
Let's go.

Mm-hmm.
Real evolved.

Your swans
would be ashamed.

Well, I guess I first noticed it
after Pameron moved out,

and Merle and I just started
sniping at each other.

Yeah, like that bloodbath
this morning?

Ohh.
Again, I am so sorry.

But Merle is not the type
you can talk to about things.

I mean, the man's
had a toothpick in his mouth

our whole marriage,
and I can't say a word.

No, you can't
sit on your feelings.

You will explode!

I have, like,
10 little explosions every day,

so I don't
have the big one.

The women in my family--

sometimes,
they shoot their husbands.

Well,
we've had 48...Good years.

I...Guess we're just gonna
run out the clock.

No!

You're still...

You have...

That is bad attitude!

You have to tell merle
what is bothering you.

Oh, he doesn't want to
hear all that.

He gets all closed off
and macho.

You're ticklin'
my piggies.

You get used to that.

It's a shame Mitchell's mother
couldn't make it to the wedding.

For who?

Mm, things still rough
between the two of you?

Merle,
things have always been rough.

That woman
never stopped complaining.

Finding the strength
to leave dede

was the hardest thing
I ever did,

but the best decision
I ever made.

Well, you sure made a score
with that Gloria.

Wow.

Big-time.

I bet you landed her

before she got a gander
at those hooves of yours.

You're welcome,
by the way.

So, what are you gonna do
in Utah?

Well,
me and my girlfriend

haven't seen each other
in a while,

so we're gonna be like
a couple of bunny rabbits...

- Wow.
- ...just hopping all over town.

Oh.

Is this her?

Yep, that's my Beth.

Huh.
She's pretty.

Yeah.

She's the most beautiful
creature, inside and out.

I'm just the luckiest guy ever
to get to love her.

Okay, she may be real,
but no way you are.

Who talks like that?

You know, I hate
when you say things like that

because you are funny,
and you are pretty,

and you are smart
in an original way,

so why shouldn't a guy
feel lucky to love you?

Shut up. Be normal.

Hey, my phone just buzzed.
Can you read it?

I don't want to
put our lives at risk.

It's, uh,
it's from the airline.

Your flight's delayed
three hours.

- Three hours?!
- Yeah.

Ohh!
Jinkies!

I guess we can just
drop me off at a coffee shop,

and I can take a cab
from there.

Okay.

Actually,
I really need to wake up.

Maybe I'll grab a coffee
with you, if you don't mind.

Please.

The more I talk to people,

the less I imagine
plummeting to my death

in a fiery spiral
of screaming and crying.

Pretty dark for someone
who just said "jinkies."

Well, I guess we have

different definitions
of "emergency," then.

You know, I'm just
gonna say it--

911 dispatchers
have a little bit of attitude.

Well, you requested
a S.W.A.T. Team.

Is anybody else hungry?

Mitchell!
Mitchell!

Look at this.

Do you think you could
fit in there?

I'm not doing that.

Then what am I gonna
wear to our wedding--

my black funeral suit?

Is that the tone
you want to set?

You wore it
to one funeral.

And you didn't
even know Bea Arthur.

I felt like I did.
I know.

Oh.

It's pepper.
He'll know what to do.

- Yes.
- Pepper. Disaster.

It's not a disaster.
It's just a wildfire.

And it's most certainly not
going to burn down your wedding.

What?!
What?

There's a wildfire
near the venue.

No!

Yes, but it's fine.

Ronaldo is going to
text-blast the guest list,

tell them the wedding is
being moved from 5:00 to 1:00.

Oh, my God!

Don't panic.

Would somebody please turn off
that wretched waterfall?!

Kill the waterfall
immediately!

The fire is already
28% contained.

That doesn't
sound like a lot.

Just get dressed
and look pretty.

I'm going to send the car
for you in one hour.

Have you lost your mind?!

Go! You disgust me!

Go!

Okay.

Now what are we
gonna do?

No, I guess maybe--

no, th-- Cam, there's no way
I could fit through there.

You two exhaust me.

What?

We have to be there
in an hour!

I can't go like this!

Look at me!

I hate you.

Prepare yourself for the
best burger of your life.

We got to go.

Uh-oh.

Maybe we should
try on more hats.

Do you think we have time?

It's not working!

And there's no oar?

We are literally up a creek
without a paddle?

Okay, Lily, Lily!

Okay, you're gonna press
the green button to start it,

and then you're gonna
look for number 9-1-3.

And then, when you see it go by,

you press the red button
to stop it, okay?

Okay.

Oh,
I'm so glad you're here.

I get us into these situations,
and I freak,

and then you always
fix the problem.

Well, now, we each
have our own gifts.

It's just
it's easier for me

to stay calm
in the face of--

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Oh, oh!

- Lily, daddy's coming for you!
- Oh, my God!

Okay, now, Lily,
press the red button!

I'm breaking the window!

Put that down!

Thank God you're here.

Are you
breaking into my store?

Uh, no.

Why would you
even say that?

My alarm went off.

Oh, well, okay,
that is a coincidence

because his tuxedo
is in there,

and we're getting married in an hour.

You are totally
saving us.

You know, I freak out
at situations like this,

which forces him
to fix the problem,

you know?
I do. I do.

So, I'm over here,
freaking out,

while he's somewhere else,
fixing the problem.

- Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh.

Well, maybe that's
a good thing, you know--

The Yin, the Yang?

Yeah,
whatever, Jerry.

Where'd she come from?

Oh, oh, because she doesn't
look like us?

That's offensive.
Oh, Jerry.

Oh, Jerry.

What are
we going to do?

I know
how to get up there.

I'm blind.
Follow me.

Oh, I'm not doing that.
Alex!

Excuse me, could someone help me
to find the back of the line?

Oh, no, no. It's okay.
Oh.

Go right ahead.
Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Can I help you?

Yes,
picking up for Dunphy.

It's on hold,
I believe.

Beautiful day, huh?
I was told.

Here we go.

Credit card?

Uh, just to be sure--
that is turquoise, right?

Because my wife said
it also comes in emerald.

Yes.
Sir, it's a very long line.

Mm. Okay.

Um, can I have it
for one second?

Thank you.

Yep, that doesn't
feel like turquoise.

You can feel color?
You got to be kidding me.

When you lose one sense,

all your other senses
become heightened.

That's why you sound
so loud and judge-y to me.

My mistake, sir.

I'll be right back.
Okay.

Here it is.

Hey, he's messing
with the blind guy.

Thank you--
wherever you are.

I don't think
he's really blind.

Excuse me.

My father
suffered methanol poisoning

on a humanitarian mission
in Honduras,

resulting in permanent
neurological dysfunction

and irreversible blindness.

It's been hard enough
on our family

without people like you
making it worse.

If he feels it's not the bowl,
it's not the bowl.

I'm so sorry.

I'll check
on the turquoise.

Okay,
that was kind of fun.

I'm winking at you
right now.

Ohh,
this is not working.

We are never gonna
get there on time,

and I am the best person.

Oh, God! Oh!

I think just broke a nail
on a turtle.

You're the one
who wanted to come out here.

Yes, I did, because I wanted
to spend some time with my son.

You've--

You've been pushing me away
so much lately,

and I don't want you to grow up
to be the kind of kid

who doesn't care if his mom
shows up at his wedding.

What are you talking about?

Nana isn't coming today,
and Mitchell's relieved.

Well...I'd be really sad
if you missed my wedding.

Really?
You promise?

Totally.
And so would Kate.

Who's Kate?

Upton-- my wife,
your daughter-in-law.

Oh.
Get on board.

Come on.

Then what has been going on
with you recently?

You've been so moody.

I'm sorry, but I'm sick of
going to school

and hearing teachers say,
"You're Alex Dunphy's brother?

Really?"
Like I'm an idiot.

Oh, honey,
you're not an idiot.

I forgot the paddle

even though we just learned
the boating checklist yesterday.

Alex would never do that.

And if she did, she'd probably,
like-- I don't know--

use this fishing rod to cast out
and hook us on the shore

because "I'm so smart."

And then she'd pull us in

because everything she does
always works.

Oh, my God.
It's working.

It's working!

Figures. Alex.

Ooh, ooh.
Don't move.

The lighting is really cool right now.

What are you doing?
Don't smile.

Why?
It's my favorite thing.

No, really, be serious.

Look out the window.
Okay.

Look.

Whoa!

That is honestly the best photo
anyone's ever taken of me.

Thank you.

You mind if I send a copy
to Beth?

Andy, um...

When I read the text
about your flight,

I saw the text from Beth
telling you not to come.

Yeah,
she doesn't mean that.

She said, "it's over."

That can mean
a lot of different things.

Your phone's buzzing again.

Oh, my God.
The wedding got moved up.

I have to go.

Andy, are you sure
about getting on that plane?

Yeah, yeah.
I-I'm fine.

You know, she does this
every once in a while.

She just likes the drama.

- But I-- okay.
- Haley,

I appreciate your concern--
I really do--

but I've been in this
relationship off and on

for eight years,

so I kind of know
what I'm doing, all right?

Thank you for the ride.

It's a tool of the trade.
The car one says "Toyota."

Ah.

I have eyes on the grooms.

I'm three feet
behind you.

How's it going?
Are people showing up?

It's all under control.

Surprise!
Guess who's on time.

Oh, my God!

Sal, wow,
you're pregnant.

Congratulations!

Thank you.
We're really excited.

You're huge.

Nice teeth.

Uh, so,
W-where's Tony?

Oh, beats me.

Haven't spoken to him
since the divorce.

Oh.

- Yeah, it's, uh, Eddie. Eddie! Baby!
- Yeah!

Come here!
Come meet the girls!

Eddie.

This is Eddie. Eddie.

Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy.

Hey.
This is Eddie, my baby daddy.

So, why didn't
you tell us?

Oh, you know,
we just wanted to

get through
that first trimester

- before we let the cat out of the bag.
- Mm-hmm.

When was that--
last summer?

So, y-you're--
you're how far along now?

About four months.
Right, honey?

- Four months.
- Yep. Yeah.

Just about the exact
amount of time

Eddie and I
have been together.

I don't understand.

Four is this many, yes?

Sí.

Hola, handsome boys.

You two look gorgeous.

Gracias.
Oh, thank you.

Pretty nice, huh?
Like a regular wedding.

What?

Good start, Jay.

Hey, Merle,
it's your son's wedding--

maybe lose the toothpick?

I'm getting tired
of this nagging.

I'm leaving you.

What?
What?

Not if
I leave you first!

No, no, no,
you don't mean this!

Oh, don't you feel bad,
honey.

You have helped me today.

Thanks for getting me
over the hump.

What did you do?

Wow.
We're doing this.

Are you ready?

I don't want to
wait another minute.

Lily, hit it.

Aww. That's sweet.

On 3, boys.

One, Two--

Attention!
Attention, please!

The fire
has jumped the freeway.

I'm really sorry,
folks.

I'm gonna have to evacuate
everyone immediately.

So, this is our bump.