Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Spring-A-Ding-Fling - full transcript

Okay, big day
for this household.

It certainly is. So exciting.

Nothing like
starting a new job.

Or finally coming into your own
at a job you already have.

The promise of something new.

The rewards finally being --

Opposite things
being equally good.

- Cheers.
- Yes.

I have accepted a job
at the C.F.J.,

The -- the Center For Justice.

Not, it turns out,



a secret headquarters
for superheroes.

No, it -- it kind of is.

It's a legal-aid society

founded by a law-school
friend of mine.

I will be an advocate
for the people,

a voice for the voiceless.

And just as important...

Oh, thank you.

Tonight, I am chaperoning
the Spring-A-Ding-Fling,

a fundraiser, a dance,

which, under my stewardship,

has shattered school records.

And I added the "A-ding."

It used to just be called
the Spring Fling.



I should have said my thing first.

Hey, guys.

For my opening number tonight--
Be honest.

Does it look like I have
anything on under this?

Tonight is the SCARB.

Southern California
Annual Realtors' Banquet.

It is the banquet for
southern California realtors.

Literally, it's the only one.

And this guy is
the only two-time host --

Three-time.

Three-time host
in the history of the event.

Unfortunately,
I have to miss it this year.

It's for the best.

She's invisible at these things.

It's tough being married
to the rock star.

Luckily, I lined up
a substitute date.

Dad. You're still up.

Yeah, just working
on some jokes for the banquet.

Hey, how'd you like
to come with me?

I would love to!

Not surprised she said yes.

That girl's got
real estate in her blood.

She used to come
with me to open houses

when she was little.

We may have
even talked about

a father/daughter partnership.

Yeah, she's been
drifting a little lately,

but I think a taste

of regional real-estate's
most glamorous night

might just re-ignite that flame.

I can't believe
I have to go to this thing.

But what choice did I have?

I would love to!

But you're not gonna have
those cookies without milk, right?

Right.

Come on, Phil.

Subtitles by YYets / gloriabg

Break area.

Copier.

My stinky dog.

Oh, look at you.

You just threw up recently.
Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

That's you and Michelle Obama.

That's my aunt.

I am so sorry.

I don't know why
I thought that --

Calm down, white guilt.

It's Michelle Obama.

Oh, good, yeah.

Yeah, you've accomplished
a lot in 15 years.

Professionally, yeah.

I haven't had a date
in six months.

Some sundays, I drive out
to visit my frozen eggs.

But, on the plus side,

I have gotten
really close with my mom.

Oh, look at that.
I see the resemblance.

That's Maya Angelou.

Damn it.

It's signed, Mitch.

Yeah. I see that.

This is gonna be fun!

I know!

- I'm just really looking for--
- You!

What was that outfit last night?

That was a business dinner!

What is wrong with you?

Wendy, I tried.

Well, try harder.

Ooh, here's your office.

Okay.

Oh, this is nice.

Yeah. Dennis liked it...

until he didn't.

I'll check on you later.

Okay. All right.

Let's see here.

New guy?

Uh, yes.
Hi. I'm Mitchell Pritchett.

Dan.

Hope you don't have
any plans for Sunday night.

Dan! What are you
still doing here?

Go!

Sorry.

Right.

That way!

Oh, no.

I do love it in leather.

Well, learn to love it in silk.

It's too hot outside
to be wearing leather.

I'm talking about this car.

Oh, by the way,

I do the negotiating
at the dealership today.

Why?

Honey, I'm a businessman.

When it comes to people,

I know how to get
what I want out of them.

This watch --

The man sold it to me for half
of what he was asking.

These -- a third.

These -- for free.

So, who's better at working
people, Mr. Businessman?

Fine. We have
different approaches,

but we're both pretty good.

Hello, Mitch.

Hey, buddy.

You look like you want
to get up and walk.

Late bloomer -- fine.

Who cares if the other kids

call you "Slo-Joe"?

And they do, you know.

Bye-bye.

We're gonna have
to reschedule the car shopping.

Mitch has to work.

Cam has to dance.

We have to sit Lily.

- What?
- Nothing.

Just -- I could have
got us out of that.

Stop!

- Eat it!
- Get off me!

Eat the grass, cow!

- Hi, Rhonda.
- Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.

Hey, mom.

Honey, it's getting very close
to time for the dance.

Shouldn't you go
in and get changed?

I did already.

The guys are coming by.

We're gonna ride from here.

What about you, Rhonda?

You want to go in
and get cleaned up?

- I'm good.
- Are you?

What about that dirt
on your face?

Luke, you wait here.

Ride with your friends.

I will bring Rhonda.
Come on.

Just, um, give me
a good shake like a dog

before you go inside.

I know.

And my dad has three tattoos.

Like, "Why? You're a dad."

Ew! It's so sad
when parents try.

My mom double-pierced
one of her ears,

and I'm like, "Hello!

You're 50."

It's so old, like, ancient
to have an ear piercing.

Uh, you two decide
to go to the dance?

Well, yeah, but not really.

- But, yeah.
- What?

We're going ironically

to make fun of all the kids
who make a big deal out of it.

"Ironic"? My ass.

Alex likes Drew.

She's just playing it safe.

Now, there are the pushy,
obnoxious moms

who try and get involved,

nudge them towards
one another.

We mean well.

Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.

Oh, thank you.
You know what I like to say.

I might be coach,

but I travel first class.

So, what would you think

about giving the opening
remarks at the dance tonight?

The arts committee
has never made this much,

and it's all because of you.

Oh, you guys, when I came
to this school six months ago,

I never would have imagined
you would embrace me.

Excuse me?
Is this a chem lab?

Because I'm looking
for a big reaction.

And there it is.

Hi. How are --

Who is this?

How was sabbatical?

Amazing.

I'm rested and ready...

...to take another vacation.

And how are we
supposed to know him?

Senor Kaplan,
legendary Spanish teacher.

You know, my heart
went out to him a little

because he left
as everyone's favorite,

and I'm sure word got out about,
you know...me.

I just didn't want him
to feel displaced.

Okay. Excuse me, big guy.

Gifts for everyone.

Angela, this is fresh
from Anuradhapura.

And, uh, Karen,

you might want to eat
some chapati with that.

And this is for, um --

- It's Marcia.
- Marcia!

Right, of course.
I knew that.

I must have been having
a "Señor" moment.

Somebody's always on.

Who did this?

What happened?

Somebody knocked
my bag down

and broke my phone.

Lily, do you know
anything about this?

He did it.

Joe.

Yep. I'm going
to go and play.

She lies.

How could Joe pull
a bag off a table?

He can't even walk.

I'll talk to her.

Why you?

Because you're such
a businessman

that knows how
to talk to people?

Trust me. When I get
done talking to her,

not only will she have
confessed to the crime,

I might even sell her a closet.

I remember my buddies

and I were playing rock war once.

That's a game

where you chuck rocks
at each other's heads.

What could go wrong, right?

I put one through the window

of my old man's Rambler,

and he thought
my baby brother did it.

I couldn't take it,

and I told him I did it.

It felt so good to confess,

and my old man
was so proud of me,

I didn't even get
in any trouble.

Y-you know?

Joe did it.

She's good.

Watch and learn.

I don't think
that cleavage thing

is gonna work with this one.

That's not my only trick.

Hola, Lily.

Where did grandpa go?

Don't worry about Jay.

It's only you and me
here now.

So, tell me.

Which one of these
is your favorite?

Fine.

One by one,

they will disappear.

Sooner or later,

we'll get to the one
that you love.

Ladies and gentlemen,

he's the emperor of escrow.

He puts the toot in tooter.

Let's put your hands
together for

Phil Dunphy!

Thanks for
the kind introduction,

me.

Now, unlike past years...

I'm not gonna
stand up here

and talk your ears off.

No, ladies and gentlemen.

You deserve more.

This year,

I'm gonna sing them off.

♪ I'm selling away ♪

♪ Set an open house
for Saturday ♪

♪ A gathering of agents ♪

♪ Appeared in caravan ♪

♪ I'm a new divorcee ♪

♪ Now I need a house ♪

♪ That's cat-friendly ♪

They say the greats

never let anything
affect their performance.

Well, maybe the greats
never had a daughter

who checked out during
the third of five planned

real-time, mid-performance
wardrobe changes.

I'm not gonna lie.

It knocked me off my game.

♪ On the board ♪

Is this part of it?

No.

It's not part of it.

In law school,

Wendy Kirk could be
a little intense.

I always hoped that she'd
soften over time, but...

...some people
go the other way.

This place is a nightmare.

The conditions are deplorable,

and no one should have to suffer

this kind of abuse
on a daily basis.

What kind of tyrant has such
utter disregard for human life?

I can't do this.

You have to.

Wendy needs to hear it.

Yeah, but I'm nervous.
You know, what if she --

- Mitchell.
- Yes! Hi!

I just had a great idea.

I think you would be the perfect
person to groom Rex.

E-excuse me?

I just think he'd really respond

to someone like you,
you know?

Y-you don't mind, right?

Uh, uh, no.
No, not at all.

Great. Thanks.

Will you go over
and introduce yourself?

I-intro-- okay.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Hello. I'm Mitchell.

And, apparently,
this is my job now.

Oh, god, you smell.

People are looking at me.

That's because you let me
make you beautiful.

Stop it.
Am I?

Yes, you are.

Have fun.

Go.

Drew.
Hey, Drew.

Having fun?

"Fun"?
Uh... okay.

Oh, Drew. Drew, listen.

Phil and I are gonna be
out really late tonight,

so there will not be
an adult at the house

when you drop Alex off,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, don't worry.

I'll, uh-- I'll drop her off,

and I won't go in.

Well... big house,

you know... cute daughter--

I would not be opposed
to you walking her in,

keeping her company
until we get back.

Like I said,

we will not be back until late.

I hear you, Mrs. Dunphy.

You can trust me.

Well, gonna have to trust you
because we have no way

of knowing what
you're gonna get up to.

In fact, if your car
is blocking the driveway,

I'll just honk twice

and wait for you
to come out.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Go get her, tiger.
Come on.

Nice job, Tucker.

I mean, you made
so many choices

that I never would have made,

but a lot of them are working.

Oh, well, you know,

I just watched the videos

of the many, many
dances you planned

and just built off
that one on idea.

Hey, kids!

There are my little chalupas!

Um, what did you do to Rhonda?

I cleaned her up.

No, you broke her.

I hate her like this.

She looks fantastic.

To you!

Fix her.
Ugh, it confuses me.

Oh, Luke.

"The house will be empty"?

You are pimping me out!

It is clear that the two
of you like one another.

Sometimes, you need
a little nudge.

Well, you're a chaperone!

Just disappear!

This dance is not for you!

You're lucky that's water.

Damn it.

She's been stewing
in there for an hour.

I say let's lock the door,

cut the power.

Let's show her that
we mean business.

Let's try the joint approach first...
"Gitmo."

Okay, we've been
going over your story,

and it doesn't add up.

My purse was too high
for Joe to reach.

He's tall enough
to reach up here.

He knocked over
the baby powder

trying to get
my stuffed animals.

Not buying it.

Look. You can see the footprints
where he walked.

Walk?

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Joe can't walk.

He does for me.

So, you have ways
of making him walk?

Lily, just admit
that you did it.

Come here, Joe.

Come here like
you did before.

Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.

- Come here, Joe.
- He can't walk.

He's walking!

The candles that I lit worked!

Look at the stride on him.

He's as surefooted
as a mountain goat.

Told you.

I'm so sorry that
we doubted you.

Boy, did I get lucky.

I'm going to blame
everything on him

until he learns how to talk.

This guy waltzes in here
like he's king of the dance

after doing god knows
what in Sri Lanka,

building schools
in underdeveloped areas.

What does that even mean?

Is it possible that you're being
a little hard on the man?

I turned his two-bit dance
into the event of the year.

Look. Burnouts and dweebs

hanging out together
in harmony.

That is me.

I'm sorry, Cam.

Oh, don't feel sorry for me.

Next is faculty dance.

Kaplan can't move.

It's on his Tumblr.

It's his big shame.

Trust me.

He can't touch this.

Okay, time now
for the faculty dance.

Go, teachers.

Oh, are you sure?

Stop.
It's "Cammer" Time.

Mind if I join you, coach?

While on sabbatical,

I learned a thing or two from
Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.

I don't know who that is,

and it's annoying
when you say things

like people
are supposed to know!

That pathetic peacock of a man

was not going down
without a fight.

I had a choice to make --

be the better dancer
or the bigger man.

So, I stepped off
the dance floor

and made the obvious call.

You want to win over a crowd?

Invite a lonely mom to dance.

She never saw it coming,

and neither did he.

Hey Señor.

You just got out-coached.

I try and look on
the bright side of things.

I-I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-full

kind of guy.

But it was time for me
to open my eyes.

I was working for a monster.

I came to this job to be
the voice of the downtrodden.

Turns out those downtrodden
were my co-workers,

and they were desperate
for a hero to slay their dragon.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Um, Rex, how's it going
with Mitchell?

The new guy?

I haven't met him yet.

That's weird.
I asked him to introduce himself.

Hey, has anybody
seen my dog?

Pixie!

Oh, there she is.

Wow! okay, Wendy, I'm sorry.

I-I have something
to say to you,

something that everybody else
here is afraid to say.

Now, I know you're fighting
the good fight,

but that is no excuse
for the way you treat people.

T-that actually might be
one of the reasons

that you have
no personal life

because who wants
to come home

to a-a cold, emotionless... thug?

W-what are you talking about?

I am an experienced,
respected attorney,

and on my first day,

you asked me to bathe Rex.

I'm not comfortable with that.

And I'm not
comfortable with that,

but I did it.

Okay, that's Pixie.

This is Rex,

the intern I asked you to groom.

And that is my mistake,

and I own that.

But that is still no excuse

for the way that
you tore into him

for the outfit
he wore yesterday.

I was talking about the outfit
he picked out for me.

Apparently, I have the one
gay intern in the world

with absolutely
no fashion sense.

I was unaware of--
of this dynamic.

But I-I-I'm not alone here,
all right?

There are people in this room
who feel that you are --

How did we say it?

You are a tyrant with
no regard for human life.

That sounds like my summation
for the slum-lord case.

Oh, hey, you finished it?

It's wonderful.

But he's nervous to show you.

Why are you so hard on yourself?

Okay, but w-w-what --

what about you making us
work on sundays?

That -- the night
of my barbecue?

Dan?

What are you still doing here?

It's your anniversary!
Go home!

Oh, god.
This isn't happening.

No, no.
She's -- she's crazy.

I mean, I saw her attack
the vending machine.

That's the only way it works
since Dennis broke it.

Dennis is the guy
whose office I took?

Yeah, he was the machine's
best customer

until he started running.

One day, he said
he's got to get out or --

He would die.
Okay. Okay.

Wendy, um...

I-I might owe you
a little bit of an apology,

so I'm sorry.

Um, clearly, everybody
here loves you,

and I-I was wrong
about everything.

So... I'm sorry.

You know, you -- you weren't
wrong about everything.

I mean, look, I do joke
about it, but you're right.

I'm alone.

And that is not the first time that
someone has called me cold.

Okay, those eggs...

those eggs came out
of me frozen.

And I'm impossibly tall.

And even if I could find
somebody to love me,

they -- they wouldn't
be able to reach.

No -- hey, hey.
Come on.

You're -- you're an amazing woman.

She's an amazing woman.

And you --
you're a-a role model.

You're a hero.

I'm a 6-foot hero.

No. Come on.

You're surrounded
by people who love you.

Here's Dan and Rex.

Me. Come here.

All the way up
to Samuel L. Jackson there.

That's your mother
in a Kangol hat, isn't it?

Yeah.

Um, are you sure you know
what you're doing, Tad?

I know you're
the Mortgage Doctor, but --

Someone said,
"Is there a doctor in the house?"

Was I supposed
to not get up?

Hey, dad. You need
any help out of that dress?

Not unless you want to see me

in nothing but a
baby new year's diaper.

That was the big finish

to the song you were
texting through.

Hey, I got one text.
I saw most of the show --

We're leaving, okay?

Could you just go to the table

and grab my keys and purse?

Fine.

You want to talk about it?

How many kinds
of fake doctor are you?

Okay, time for the big award
of the night,

The ROY...

I don't even know
why I'm mad at her.

Probably just 'cause
she was so bored all night.

Maybe you're feeling rejected?

It's my own fault.

I built up this hope

that she'd want to follow me
into real estate.

...Phil Dunphy.

She's got her own life now.

I just don't know where
we connect anymore.

You won.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Help me up!

As we all know,

Phil had a little accident tonight,

but we're happy to accept

- this award on his behalf.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, w-w-w-w-wait!

I got this.

Hi. I'm, uh,

I'm Haley, Phil's daughter.

Dad, you won the ROY!

You all know him
as an amazing realtor,

but I know him as
the world's greatest dad.

As far as I'm concerned,

he's the dad of the year,

the "DOY."

It really is a shame

that you didn't hear
the rest of his act tonight.

I-I heard him rehearsing it.

Which one of you is J.J. McCubbin?

Oh. Hey, quick question, J.J. --

Why is a great mortgage rate

like your wife in bed?

Once a month
and low interest.

What are you laughing at,
Skip Woosnum?

You haven't seen a commission

since you joined the navy.

She is killing it.

That's my girl.

I would have hit
the word "Navy" harder.

What else?
What else?

Oh! Margaret Furman's here.

Little heads-up to her date --

She's been upside-down in more
houses than Fannie Mae.

Or, in her case,
Fannie definitely will.

We all want people
to think the best of us...

So sometimes
we cover things up

to protect ourselves.

But we don't have
to be afraid...

Because the truth
is always a good thing.

The truth sets us free...

...brings us closer.

So, do you want to tell us

how Joe's shoes ended up
on the wrong feet?

I guess the little guy knows
how to put on his own shoes.

There you go, buddy.
You got this.

What are you doing?

Since Joe can walk now,

I figured he should be
doing a few chores.

Steady, big guy!

Chores?
What kind of --

There he is.

Attaboy!

Attaboy!

A beer? Are you crazy?

Where you going?
You want some?

He'll bring it to you.

I can't believe that you're
teaching him to do that.

Wait till you see part two.

Attaboy.

Relax, it was me.

Subtitles by YYets / gloriabg