Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Feud - full transcript

If I take something
to help me sleep,

I'll be groggy
for the meeting.

But if I don't take anything
and I don't sleep,

I'll be groggy for the meeting,
you know?

I was up for re-election
as social chair

of our local realtors group.

The vote was tonight.

I was so nervous,

I could barely hear
Claire's pep talk.

Why did I beg Mitchell

to introduce me
to this developer?



You're right.
We'll know soon enough.

I'm gonna go upstairs,
see if I can get some sleep.

Love you.

I hope so, too.

Hello?

Hey, Gil.

No, no, no.
You -- you didn't wake me.

Um, so, you hear anything, or...

Hey, Dunphy.

Just wrapping up
a phone call with this jackass.

I got to run, Dunphy.

I got a late meeting
with some jackass.

What's going o--
what's going on?

The people have spoken, Dunphy.



I'm in. You're out.

Sorry to have to tell you
that in private.

Was it even close?

No! I have a mandate --

Not the kind you hide
from your wife, either.

I can't believe it.
I'm a one-termer?

That puts me alongside
Henry Eustace Tyler

and Art Wagner!

Never met Art Wagner.

They took away his

realtor's license after Gategate.

Okay, enough history, "done-for."

Fork over the hardware.

Gil, as my predecessor told me,

respect the office,
respect the medallion.

Ooh, shiny.

How often do you
clean this thing?

Every time I shower.

Well, don't worry.

It's gonna get
a good buffing tonight

when it's swinging against
the back of my wife's head.

That is not respecting the medall--

So, after we pick up
my allergy medication,

you drop Manny and I
at the museum.

Why do you even have to go?

Ay, other mothers are going
to the field trip, too.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to be
all over you,

trying to suffocate you.

Don't talk like that.

I hate crowded elevators.

Only one thing worse --

when they stop
and you get trapped.

Actually, there's one thing
even worse than that.

It's okay, sir.
There's no need to panic.

Getting trapped with him.

I don't even know
the guy's name.

He belongs to my club.

But for whatever reason,

he has the knack
for showing up

when I'm at my absolute worst.

Be right back.

Here, let me help you.

Maybe we should
help someone else.

Oh, don't be frightened.

Big step!

Who's next?

I'm sorry. Pepper's getting
a what for your wedding?

A D.P.

No!

No, a director of photography.

Yeah, apparently,
he's a big deal.

He won a Golden Globe.

No, you win an Oscar.

You buy a Golden Globe.

So he can only meet
with us this morning.

Is -- is there any way you could
pick Lily up from school?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can.

I'll -- I-I'll take her to the park.
That's good.

It'll get my mind off
this meeting with your friend.

I am so nervous.

I haven't had a sales meeting in...
Forever.

I'm a little rusty.

Do you remember when we used
to call you "little rusty"?

I was 8,

and I can still
cancel this meeting.

Fine. I got to go.
I got to --

I don't know what I have to do.

What is this?

I'm sweating off weight
for my wrestling match.

I slept in this.

Does this have anything to do
with why we're out of plastic wrap?

Oh, it's the bottom layer.

And I've got some news for you --

it's not keeping me fresh.

Okay. Um, you're gonna be late.

You got to get undressed
in the backseat.

Ooh, got any pointers for him?

Do you girls have
to move that now?

Well, I've been lonely.

Having a mirror in my room
will be like having company!

Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Careful.

Stop saying that.
I think I know what I'm --

Oh, one second.

- Oh, my God.
- Hello!

No, this is a good time.

- Haley!
- All right. Geez!

No, I just got to help my sister
out with something.

Okay. Bye.

Okay, let's just put
this down for a second.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- I don't think this is gonna fit.

You'll have to get
a smaller mirror.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Haley, you'll still be
the same size in it.

No!

Oh, my God! We're trapped!

Well, it -- it's --
it's not such a huge disaster.

You know, you'll just be
a little late for school.

Make up your mind!
Which is it?!

Oh, my God.
I'm missing a text.

Just got real, didn't it?

Who sent you?!

Come on. We have to go.
We can't be late.

I am so excited. Aren't you?

- Oh, no.
- What? What's happening?

How are you ruining this?

There's a report
of lice in Lily's class.

Ugh. It's probably from Portia.

You know, she is always so filthy.

They had to kick her
out of swim buddies

because she left
a ring around the pool.

We should probably
cancel our meeting

and pick Lily up ourselves, huh?

Probably? We have to!

We can't risk infecting Claire

just so we can keep a meeting

with the top wedding
photographer in the state.

No. No.

I am calling her.

Yeah, it's the right thing to do...

even though it's like a 1% chance

of her actually catching anything

and a 100% chance
of us freaking her out.

Well, now, wait.

Are we being selfish here, Cam?

Maybe.
Go on.

Well, if-- if we alarm her just so

that we can have
a clear conscience,

doesn't that make us...

- Monsters.
- Monsters.

Wouldn't we be doing her a favor

by not telling her and
sparing her all that worry?

Second huge favor of the day,

after you got her
a meeting with your client.

Mm. I'm -- I'm starting
to feel bad about this.

What, because we're doing
so many favors,

Claire will never be able
to pay us back?

Thank you.

Nope, she does not need
the stress, Cam.

Yep. That's it.
No more favors for Claire.

No!

Look at us!

Two blondes, having fun!

Hey, buddy!

My match is coming up.

Got any final dad-vice?

Starting to sound natural, right?

You know what?
Just get out there and enjoy yourself.

You showed real character
trying a new sport.

No matter what happens,
I couldn't be prouder.

Thanks, dad.

You bet.
Go get 'em!

That may be the best part
about being a parent.

Whatever's going on
in your personal life,

when your kid's happy,
you're happy.

A happy kid
is like an antidepressant,

but a natural one,

not the kind
your husband has to find

in your jewelry drawer.

Enough said about that!

Hey, Gil.

Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man.

I hope I didn't blind ya.

Although you might not want
to see what's next.

Our kids are wrestling each other.

- Are you kidding?
- Nope!

There's my little
bra-snapper right there.

He's a beast, man.

No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I get it.

This is when you try
to intimidate me.

No! No. Hey, good luck.

Hey, did you ever
hear about those

illegal baby-fighting rings
they got in the border?

That's not a real thing.

Yeah, wife and I
brought him down there.

Won a whole carload of chickens.

See you out there, man.

That never happened!

Watch yourself!
Watch yourself!

Wish me luck.

No need. You worked hard.

I just want you to have fun.

Thanks, dad.

Also, I'd like to revise

what I said to you
in the car about biting.

Manny, they have
everything here--

the rainforest experience,
the hurricane booth,

discovering the body --

we have that one in Colombia,
too, but --

but a different kind.

- Oh, no.
- What?

You don't hear that?

It's my new shoes.
They're squeaking.

Then walk softer.

Oh, great.

It sounds like the floor's
made of cat toys.

- I'm screwed!
- Why?

Why? Because these kids
make fun of everything.

Hand them this,
it'll stick with me forever.

That's what happened to Mumbles.

Hey, Manny, come with us.

Let's go, Mumbles.

One time!

Let's go.

Just go on without me.

I'm just gonna stand here.

What -- forever?

What happened to him?

He didn't used to be
that self-conscious

before High School.

He used to go around
in his poncho,

play the pan flute.

Ay, I miss my little old Manny.

Manny, you care too much
about what other people think!

I know that some
of the mothers here

want to make fun of me

because of my accent
and my bouncy bosom.

But they don't.
You know why?

Because I don't care.
Because I walk with confidence.

And so can you.
Let's go.

This place sucks so bad.

Sure does, Giggles.

One time!

Okay, she's not leaving.

You got to lure her away
from the staircase.

She'll trust you.

You're kind of dressed
like an animal trainer.

Why do you keep
calling it a "she"?

Well, because "he"s
don't look at me like that.

My God, is she gonna
sleep all day long?

Okay, that, coming from you?

The possum's actually laughing.

And, besides, I mean,
it's obviously not sleeping.

What else would she be doing?

Playing...?

Playing... what?

Oh, my God!

Playing possum, the one thing

that absolutely everyone
knows possums do.

Ha, ha! I got you!

I was playing possum
on you by pretending --

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't even.

No, my God.

Mom's not even here until 5:00.

And you ate our only power bar.

Well, that's probably
what attracted it!

You know, we got
to throw something at it.

Fine.

- Are you crazy?!
- Are you crazy?!

Mr. Perlowe will be
right with you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I was so nervous before,
but I think I really got this.

Oh, no!

What? What's happening?

How are you ruining this?

Why does everybody say that?

The -- the director of photography

we met with this morning --
he's turning us down.

Why?

"Creative differences."

He suggested one of us
wear a hidden camera

in our boutonniere.

He called it "groom with a view."

Somebody got it into his head
to call it the "Cam-Cam."

Then there was
a lot of foot-stomping

and cane-snapping
and monocle-smashing.

Who is your wedding photographer --
Mr. Peanut?

It's a director of --

- It's a wedding.
- Sorry I'm late.

Jim Perlowe,

this is my sister, Claire Dunphy.

Hi. A pleasure to meet you.

Listen, I went by the
construction site this morning,

and those condos
are gonna be fantastic --

assuming, of course, you get
the right closets and blinds.

Appears the meeting
has already started, so, okay!

Yes, it has!
Bye-bye, Mitchell!

- Shall we?
- Yes, absolutely! So...

Hey, sleepy!

Long nap today.

Claire must've really worn
you out at the park, huh?

Yeah.

Do you want to lie down
with me, daddy?

Oh, honey, the day
I answer no to that question...

...is today.

Where are you going?

I got to call daddy.

You should know that
it's not just our low prices

that set us apart.

It's our level of experience.

You know, I have seen it before

a new guy walks into
an irregular-shaped space,

and he's just like,
"ugh! Where do we even start?"

You start with
measurements, maybe.

Hey, Cam, what's up?

Well, it's official.
Someone has lice.

Daddy, hug me!

I would, but remember,
the carpet's hot lava!

Yeah, hot lava!

Oh, my God. Are you sure?

I think so.

Her head sounds like pop rocks.

You have to warn Claire.

Daddy, this game is mean.

Well, you know what, sweetie?

All right. No. J-just stay calm.

First of all,

if there's anything
that you need from me,

anything at all,

I will be living
at the Embassy Suites.

Secondly, there's --
there's no guarantee

that she has it.

I mean, I'm with her right now.

I think I'd know.

Yeah, I think I know.

So, as you can see,
all of them are modules,

so they can be customized
for each unit -- Mitchell!

- Hey!
- Hi!

So, Claire, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, right --
right when we're done.

Just after the meeting.

We got pine, cedar...

It's kind of important.

A-actually,
I got to take this call.

- Excuse me.
- Okay.

What is going on with you?

Okay, so, you know how
you've been scratching your head?

Oh, God. Is it that noticeable?

I-I have some kind of nervous tic.

Yeah, there might be
one of those in there, too.

Um, so, Lily brought home
lice from school.

What?

Yeah, and, actually,
I would've told you,

but Cam thought that maybe --

You let me walk around

with insects gnawing on my skull,

and you said nothing?

Yeah, but, Claire --

Come here, little Rusty.

No, listen, you --

what kind of monster
puts their self-interest

ahead of telling
another human being

that they are going to get
a parasite infestation?

I feel you would've done
the same thing.

- Never.
- No, Claire, stop it!

Uh, I got to get off
to another meeting.

But, Claire,
let's just cut to the chase.

You got my business.

Oh, super!

Oh, I think we're way
past handshakes, huh?

Manny, stop disrespecting
your ancestors.

It took them 6 1/2 million years
to walk upright!

Didn't you hear the tour guy?

"Duh."

No, don't give me that attitude.

No, I -- why is your face red?

What?

It must be my allergy medication.

I must be overreacting to it!

Um, I'll get you some water.

There's a fountain
right over there.

Manny, where have
you been all day?

I was in the bird wing.

Hilarious they call it that, no?

Where's your mom?

She was just there.

I think she's hiding.

She probably saw she and I
were wearing the same outfit

and didn't want to get outdone...
As usual.

Uh yeah, maybe.

But the important thing

is that I have fun
out there, right?

Okay, let's go over this again,

'cause I feel like
you're not listening.

I need you to win.

Hey, Jay.

Hey, Luke.

Don't let your dad
get in your head.

Get out there
and do your best.

All right.

What the hell was that?

He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid.

I hate that guy.

Always trying to make me
feel like less of a man.

The guy that took
your necklace, right?

- My medallion!
- Call it what you want.

I'm just glad I don't have
to help you with the clasp again.

Jay, are you crying?

No!

Referee sprayed some
disinfectant on the mats.

I got some in my eye.
You got a tissue?

Here you go.

Keep it.

It's my wife's.

- Hey, dad!
- Hey, son!

Good to see you.

- Uh, the match is about to start...
- Yeah?

...which means
it's about to finish.

You see that little Petunia
he's wrestling?

Yes.

You know Gil's dad?

I know he always
sees me at my worst.

I really want this win, Phil.

I can taste it, like metal.

Me, too. Metal.

I don't know what it is
with this guy,

but no matter what I do,

I just can't win with him.

That's the way
I am with his son.

And Time Warner cable.

It's emasculating, you know?

I mean, it's not a feeling
a man should have.

Jay, you know what
the beginning of "love" is?

Oh, for God's sake,
we're just talking here.

Why do you always
have to make everything

bigger than it is?!

L.O.

Hey, Phil, listen.

Does your pharmacy
carry lice shampoo?

Lily got it at school.

Ooh, away, scary robot!

Away!

I can't breathe.

Well, good.
Neither can your hair pets.

- What?
- Nothing.

Lily got lice from someone.

- Portia.
- Who else?

You know what?
Skip the pharmacy.

Just -- just borrow our lice kit.

It's in the basement.
The key's under the mat.

Thank you, Phil.
Thanks.

All right!

Enough... with scary robot!

But who wants to pretend to be
a dog and ride in the car?

I do!

Okay! Meet you at the door!

And remember --

we're gonna keep our head
outside the window.

- Fun!
- Yeah, fun! Uh-huh!

Fun.

All right, the match is starting.

I feel that metal now
in my mouth,

like you were saying.

What if he loses?

Then we hide our disappointment.

Follow my lead.
I've been doing it for years.

The kid needs to know
we support him no matter what.

- Come on, Luke!
- Luke!

All right. They're gone.

Okay. Let's get out of here.

Stay close.

Mom, you're unbelievable.

Ay, that's sweet,
but I know I look terrible.

You come down on me
for being self-conscious,

then you run and hide
because your face is red.

You're right.

I keep blaming
the high-school boys

for making you self-conscious,

and you're taking after me.

We can assign blame
when we're safely

behind our tinted windows.

- We're trapped!
- No.

When I was in the caveman exhibit,

I discovered fire exits.

I'll explain to you why
that's funny in the car.

Follow me.

No, Manny.

It's time for me to set
a good example for you.

Okay.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm gonna show you
that it's not important

what other people think.

What is important is that
you stay true to yourself.

It was the bravest thing
my mom had ever done.

Hey, everybody!

Uh, hear my squeaky shoes?

Pretty funny, isn't it?

That's right, it's me --
ol' squeaky shoes.

Crazy!

Get a load of that pink shirt.

Aww, it's so pretty.

Hey, Manny, nice top.

Uh, but my shoes!

What about 'em, Pink Top?

It was the bravest thing he has ever done.

They call me "Pink Top."

My hero.

Pink top.

Hey! Whoo! Good fight!

We really blew it
with Luke today.

How could I do that?

My dad never missed
an opportunity to let me know

when I disappointed him,
and I do it to my grandkid.

It's just as much my fault.

I've seen what having
a disapproving father

has done to my wife.

I should've known better.

Dang it.

Buddy, I know you're upset.

You've got every right.

We made that wrestling match
all about our stupid feud.

That was wrong.

Forget about those jerks.

We couldn't be anything
but proud of you,

just like I'm super proud
of your mom.

Let's repair this one first.

We just don't want you
to beat yourself up

because you lost.

I'm not.

I just started wrestling.

Sure, it would've been nice to win,
but I tried my best.

I just said "dang it" because
I forgot to get a straw.

Son of a gun!
He's actually okay.

I don't buy it.

Why? What are you talking about?

No kid lets down his father
and grandfather

and is that okay with it.

He's burying his feelings.

Or maybe he's just raised
better than that.

He knows it's pointless
to fight other people's battles.

It's all in the DNA, Phil.

My old man has a problem
with somebody?

Trust me

I'm looking for that guy's kid
on the schoolyard.

It's how men work.

Or used to work.

Maybe those thuggish
Pritchett genes

got mixed with
more evolved Dunphy genes,

resulting in a more
elevated human being.

Oh, my God!
He's attacking him!

Hey! Hey! Get off my kid!

Hey. Hey! Get off my kid!

Aah! You get off of my kid!

Hey, hey! Get off
my daughter's husband!

Would it kill you
to call me your kid, Jay?

Oh, my God.
He was saving him.

Oh. Have a good day.

- Well...
- All's well that ends well.

Yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Grab a seat, son.

- Move.
- Coming in.

I think, uh, probably
just a regular burger.

I can't see it anymore.
You think it's gone?

It could be hiding.

I have an idea.

What are you doing?!

I'm gonna create a distraction

so that we can
make a break for it.

Give it a second to warm up.

Okay.

It's back!

Oh, my gosh.

It's so dark down here.

Be careful, sweetie.

What is going on down here?!

All right, I got to admit
something right here.

You impressed me today, Luke.

That kid started choking.

You didn't see a rival or...

a chance to fight
your family's stupid battles.

You just saw somebody
who needed help.

And that makes you
the biggest man in this whole car.

You just attacked him,
didn't you?

He made that choke sign.

I thought he was
mocking my wrestling.

- Let's go ahead and keep
that to ourselves. - Yeah.

I'll get it.

Honey, I take back
everything I ever said

about this stupid invention.

It has a name

"The real head scratcher, T.M."

Well, come on in.

Just want to say
I'm sorry, "Doofy."

And yet you're still call--

what your kid
did today was amazing.

No hard feelings, right?

Hey, Cam, hold off
on that thing for a second.

Lily, honey?

Are you kidding me?
It's all in good fun.

All right. Good.

Whoa!
Who's this little dumpling?

Only my niece.

If there's one thing she loves,
it's piggy-back.

No, I don't.

Yep! Hop on up there!

All right!

Who's this man?

You can call me Uncle Gil!

Uncle Gil!

You two look great together!

Get in there! Yeah!

I'm telling you,
these little buggers love me.

- That's the plan!
- Yeah!