Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Three Dinners - full transcript

Phil and Claire take Haley out to dinner to discuss her future, but Haley manages to turn the tables. Elsewhere, Jay's friend Shorty and wife Darlene are back visiting, and they have some news that doesn't sit well with Jay. And, Mitch and Cam decide to have a nice, romantic dinner date where they don't talk about the wedding or about Lily, which then leads to a lot of awkward silences.


- Hi there.
- Hey.

I'll be your server for tonight.

My name is Brian,
if you guys need anything.

What's your name
if we don't need anything?

Patricia.

You're quick, Patricia!

Thanks. Our specialty cocktail for tonight
is a basil-infused mojito.

Oh, yum! We'll take three.

No, that's okay. I'm good.

Come on now. Join us for a specialty cocktail
on our specialty evening.

- Three, please.
- Okay.

You don't drink it, someone will.

Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh?

I'd kill to have those lips.

I mean on me.
I mean I want his lips on my mouth.

Can't we just cut to the chase?

- He's got great lips.
- No. What are we doing here? What is this about?

Nothing. We wanted to have
a fun night out with our daughter.

Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.

I don't have 45-year-old friends.

Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents
yet either, honey, so calm down.

Haley has no plan
for her future whatsoever.

She's living in our basement...

taking community college classes in,
well, meandering.

So we're gonna take her out.
We'll have some fun.

And then gently ease her into
a friendly conversation about her future.

As opposed to the approach
that we've taken in the past.

Is this what you're gonna do with your life-
sleep late and take a selfie?

Why are you always criticizing me?
Is this really how you want to start the day?

My day started five hours ago.

- I am under a lot of pressure!
- How? How?

You take three classes a week,
and you miss half of them!

The parking is tricky!

Morning, sunshine.
I saved you some lunch.

I get it, okay? I'm lazy! God!

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

No!

You know what drives me crazy?

Getting these customer satisfaction calls
during dinner.

They change the oil on your car,
they want a love letter.

I know. I'm waiting for a call
from my doctor's office-

"Please rate your prostate exam.

Would you say you were satisfied?"

I hope you weren't.

"I hope you weren't."

That's a good one, Gloria!

Do you know how hard it is to be funny
in a second language, Jay?

Esta hermosa dama es muybuena.

Ay. Darlene, you're learning Spanish?

Yes, Shorty and I
have been taking classes.

- We're getting good.
- Oh, yeah.

¡Es maravilloso!

You said, "That's wonderful," right?

My Italian helps me.

Why the sudden interest in Spanish?

Actually, there's something
we have to tell you. How's this?

- We're moving to Costa Rica!
- Yeah!

- What?
- When?

In a couple of weeks.
The cost of living is so low down there.

We found this beautiful place
on the water.

It's got its own private beach.

Bathing suits are optional.

But encouraged.

Ay. I'm going to miss you guys.

Don't worry about it. I give it three months, tops.
You hate the beach.

And you know how humid it is down there?

I love the steam room at the club.
It's the same thing.

Except I don't have to see you sitting there
like a pile of melted ice cream.

'Cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel.

I'm just ready for an adventure.
I want to try something new.

Stick around here.
Pick up a check every now and then.

Why do you always have to be so negative?
I think it's great.

No, you're right. I'm sorry.
I'm surprised, that's all.

Let's toast this amazing new chapter
of your lives.

To mosquitoes the size of your fist.

This is why
all your friends move away.

To us, alone at last.

We both look very handsome tonight.

You know, if you'd just said that I looked
handsome, I would have said, "So do you."

I couldn't take that chance.
I wanted to get off on the right foot.

Mitchell and I desperately
need a romantic night out to reconnect.

Yeah. I don't know if it's the stress
of planning a wedding...

but we've been a little tense
with each other lately, huh?

- Even our friend J'Marcus said how bitchy we've been.
- When did he say that?

At Pepper's party that night you wore
those pants that don't fit you anymore.

Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine
that everybody hated.

- See? We really need this.
- We really do.

Oh, you know, Pepper said that
for our cake tasting, we needed to have-

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Remember our rules?

No wedding talk, no Lily talk.

- Sorry. No, you're right.
- Hmm?

So, just gonna-

- Should we hear the specials again?
- We can't ask him a third time.

You know what I might try
when I'm down there? Surfing.

So it's gonna be a closed casket?

- My turn.
- What are you talkin' about? I just sunk the three ball.

Then you moved the cue ball
with your stick while you were telling me...

how you were gonna move away
from Southern California to try surfing.

- I didn't touch the cue ball.
- Yeah, I know. But you did.

You're calling me a cheater? You?

The guy on a golf course
who can't seem to count higher than five?

Maybe I can't keep track of my shots
because somebody won't stop talking.

It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre
and unusual things I see in the world...

like that convulsion
you call a golf swing.

- You know what? I'm done here.
- No, I'm done.

I will not have
my integrity questioned here.

I was a marine.
I served with guys who died.

Of old age. You never left the States.

Are you saying
I didn't serve my country?

Which one? America or Costa Rica?

- What's with you and Costa Rica?
- It's a terrible idea!

You get into things without thinking
and you need to be rescued.

Like that time you bought that car
that was supposed to turn into a boat.

- Yeah?
- It turned into a reef!

- That's 'cause you left your door cracked open!
- Yes, it was my fault.

Mark my words. Costa Rica is another
Amphibicar at the bottom of a lake...

only this time,
I won't be bailing you out!

Who asked you? Darlene! We're going!

What do you mean we're going?

Gracias, Gloria.
That was a lovely dinner.

And you are an incredible woman...

for putting up with this gringo!

¡Adiós!

- Come on.
- What happened?

- Good luck in Costa Rica!
- Uh, thanks, Jay.

- He didn't mean it!
- I know. I'm just trying to defuse the tension.

Here we go, guys.

- Oh, yeah!
- Three more mojitos.

Yum! Aren't these yum?

I didn't even drink the first one.

Are you sure?
'Cause I don't think it drank itself.

No, it did not.

Look, I have no problem drinking.

I can literally do it
standing on my head.

But, "A," not with my parents...

and plus, also,
I needed to stay sharp...

because they were obviously
up to something, and I was in no mood.

I barely got 10 hours
of sleep last night.

I'll go get you guys some more water...

and your food should be out
in just a few minutes.

Thanks so much, pal. We appreciate it.

He seems like a real go-getter, huh?

'Cause he goes and gets things?

I wonder what he wants to
do with his life.

- I wonder that about people all the time.
- I think that's very common-

to wonder about
other people's aspirations.

- I do it all the time.
- Yeah, you do. Yeah.

- Here we go.
- Hey, Brian.

You're a young guy.

What do you want to do after this?
What's your plan?

Uh, to be perfectly honest...

I'm probably gonna go home,
watch a movie and get high.

- Oh.
- You guys looking for something to do?

- No. No, no.
- I think I got extra.

- No, that's-
- I think he meant your plan for your life...

not just tonight.

Oh. I want to be a screenwriter.

Ambitious.

And-And so interesting.
Isn't that interesting, Haley?

- Sure.
- You should tell him what you're doing.

You mean after we all
go get high with Brian?

That's not happening.
I'm sorry. I meant-

I know what you meant.
Brian, could you give us a second?

Uh, sure.

So this is what
this whole night's about-

the drinks,
the pretending to be my friend?

We are your friend.

Honey, we care about you.

And we want to make sure
that you've got a plan...

'cause it seems like you're meandering.

No. Sweetie, don't just start texting
because you don't like the conversation.

- Here.
- What is this?

That's a blog that I've been doing.

I'm really liking my photography...

and people always say
that they like the way that I dress...

so I've been posting
pictures of my outfits on this site.

I know it's not
a huge moneymaker right now...

but I do get money whenever someone clicks
on a link and buys something that I wore.

I'm gonna take a business class
next semester...

which I'm hoping will help me
turn all of this into becoming a stylist.

I have 1 ,200 followers. Most are women
who want to know what to wear.

Some are men who want to know
what I'm wearing...

but I'm trying to figure a way
to block all of the pervs.

So, yeah. I guess that is my plan.

- It's amazing.
- We are so proud of you.

Don't even, guys.
You always assume the worst of me.

- Honey.
- No, you guys sit here...

acting like we're drinking buddies,
judging me...

when I have a better handle on my future
than either one of you did at my age.

You? You wanted to be a magician.

And you were changing your major
every three minutes, according to Grandpa...

who, by the way,
has been drinking with me for years...

because he loves me and he thinks
I say funny things when I'm buzzed.

- Mmm.
- Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening.

I know.

In fact, now U. N. evidence
suggests that Assad-

- Are you reading this off your phone?
- What?

- You're-
- No!

- Yeah.
- No!

- I was just making sure my facts were straight-
- Cam?

Before I started a spirited conversation
of current events.

Yeah.

What else does it say?

Oh, thank you.

Mmm. Sorry. Is that the tuna tartare?

- Yes, and it is delicious.
- Should've ordered it.

- Well.
- Would you like a taste?

Oh, no. But thank you.
That's very sweet.

She really means it.

- Katie loves sharing food.
- Me too.

I think it's growing up
in a big family...

'cause everything at suppertime
on the table was up for grabs.

We didn't say grace.
We said, "On your marks, get set, go."

You sound exactly like my dad. He was
from this really big family in Missouri, and-

Shut up! I'm a Missouri farm boy myself!

- Stop!
- Oh, my gosh! I'm Cam.

Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam.

- This is Brandon.
- Hi. She doesn't really talk like that.

Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent
like Kate Winslet in Titanic

- Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What's yours, Brandon? It looks delicious too.

It's the truffle Parmesan gnocchi.

- Ooh!
- You know what though?

If you want a bite of that,
you're barking up the wrong tree.

'Cause that dish
is in a strict no-share zone.

I just-
I don't like people eating off my plate.

Yeah, because you're not an animal.
I'm the same way.

Oh, my gosh! You're exactly us!

No, you guys are more interesting,
'cause you have the whole gay thing.

Katie, you don't know if they're gay.

Okay, that's adorable.

Yeah, it was a pretty safe bet.

Okay. I'm running to the powder room.

Cam, please try the tartare,
because whatever you order, I want a taste.

Okay. Don't you dillydally, because I ain't
exactly slow once I tie on the ol' feed bag!

Calm down, Honey Boo Boo.

- She's so cute!
- Very adorable.

Brandon, what do you do for a living?

Look, guys, I hate to be blunt,
but could you please give us some space?

- Not a problem.
- Look, no, it's-

I mean, you guys are great...

but I'm gonna propose
to Katie tonight...

- and I'm kind of feeling-
- What? Here?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God! That's amazing!

We just got engaged a few months ago.

- Very good.
- Yeah, so we will definitely give you your privacy.

- Absolutely.
- Congratulations.

Good luck.

If you wanted,
I could pretend like I'm texting...

and I could video
the whole thing on my phone.

- That way you'd have it forever.
- Really? That would be awesome.

Are you sure? He gets very, uh, excited,
and he might give it away.

Mitchell, um, I think I know Katie
well enough to tell if she's getting suspicious.

- Cam.
- She said I could.

Where the hell's the corkscrew?

- Do you want to talk about it?
- There's nothing to talk about.

Shorty does dumb things all the time.

You mark my words. In three months,
he'll be back here needing money.

Maybe this is not about Shorty coming back.
Maybe this is about Shorty not coming back.

- Manny.
- What she's saying is...

deep down, you're afraid
Shorty's going to love Costa Rica...

and you'll lose
your best friend forever.

That's what you do. You push people away,
so when they leave, it doesn't hurt that much.

I don't get it. You're the greatest generation,
but why can't you feel?

Why can't you spend your teen years
locked in your bedroom like a normal kid?

See? Now he's doing it to me.

You have to face it, Jay.
One day, I'll be moving out of this house.

Can I get that in writing?

'Cause I can't shake this image
of a 30-year-old you...

eating my food
and cuddling with my wife.

- Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.
- I'm gonna have nightmares!

You pretend to be so tough.
But you know what I think?

I think that deep down,
you're the most sensitive person in this house.

Hmm. See?

You did it again.

I say something that strikes a nerve...

and immediately you cannot handle it.

That's why you-
in my face!

We just found the one thing
you can't make sexy.

There it is again.

- I need a drink.
- Jay.

You have to make this right with Shorty.

You have to tell him how you feel!

He has been a great compadre
with you for many years.

Besides, who else is going
to laugh at your jokes?

Lots of people laugh at my jokes.

- Name one person that doesn't work for you.
- You know what?

Why don't you two just go cuddle?

- Okay, here she comes.
- Stay calm.

- You're gonna spoil it.
- Ooh, that looks good.

- What is it?
- Um, this is the grilled calamari.

It's scrumptious.
Would you care for a ring?

Um, I mean, dig in there, girlfriend!

Oh, no, that's okay. Thank you.

This looks so delicious.

Yeah, mine's delicious too.

Katie...

you look so beautiful tonight.

Aw.

You know, I-I've never met anyone like you,
and I know that I never will, and I-

I love you so much.

Will you make me...

the happiest man on earth
and be my bride?

What?

Oh, my God!

- No!
- No?

No!

I'm sorry.

Did you know this place
used to be a bank?

- Was it really?
- Just- I don't want to be married, Brandon.

We'll end up like one of those couples
that sits there with nothing to talk about...

until we glom on to other people.

I can't believe this.
You- You don't love me?

- No!
- No?

- I'm sor-
- No!

I need some air.

- So, Syria. Any updates?
- No, nothing yet.

Nothing.

Do you remember how cute she was...

when she was little
and she couldn't say her P's?

- "Bakeatatoes."
- "Bakeatatoes."

- And "attlesauce."
- "Attlesauce"!

"Can I have attlesauce?"

First of all, you're screaming.

Can we just get the check, please?

Could you please
not be mad at us anymore?

We are very sorry
that you felt manipulated.

- You know what I'm pretty sure is ironic?
- Mm-mmm.

You guys spend all this time
worrying about what I'm going to do...

and maybe you should start thinking
about what you're going to do.

What are you talking about?

Well, what are you gonna do
when we're gone? What's your plan?

Uh, to be fine.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause we're fine.

Totally.
You guys are gone.

We get an R.V. Bam!

Me, Mama and our dog, Merlin,
hit the open road.

No, I am not spending my golden years...

driving around an R.V. park,
looking for a place to plug my house in.

No. I am gonna go see the world.

- Where do you wanna go?
- I don't know, Phil.

- India. Africa.
- Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Wow. it sounds like you guys
really need to start thinking about your future.

- Are you just gonna put Merlin in a kennel when we're gone?
- Okay, Merlin doesn't exist.

And why do you want to get a dog
to take care of so soon after the kids leave?

Well, I'm gonna need
someone to love me, Claire.

And in the meantime, Mom,
Grandpa wants you to take over the business...

but... do you want that?

I-i guess I hadn't thought
this far into the future.

And, Dad, are you just
gonna keep selling houses?

I mean, I don't want to blow your mind here,
but you could still be a magician.

- I could.
- No.

- He couldn't.
- Really?

- Mm-mmm.
- The salt shaker behind your head says different.

Oh, Phil, you're getting salt all over me!

- I feel like a margarita.
- You got it.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
Just the check, please.

- Okay.
- Thank you so much.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Yeah.

Oh, no. I left my wallet
in the other coat.

I did not bring my purse.

It's fine, guys. I got this.

- Honey, thank you.
- Oh. Thank you, sweetie.

- I should probably drive too, huh?
- Probably.

- I g- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Why don't you guys
have the valet pull the car up...

while I pay the check?

That we can do.

You guys, it's that way.

- Mm-hmm.
- It is.

Oh. Um-

You know, for the record,
we do have a lot to talk about.

Yeah, we took a couple of topics off the table
because we wanted to have a romantic date night.

And it probably
put too much pressure on it to be special...

but the truth is, every day I spend
with this man is special.

Oh, Cam!

Oh, no, I'm the lucky one.

There we are.

I'm sorry. I guess I just panicked
when Brandon asked me.

We're so different, and I know it seems petty,
but it speaks to something bigger.

I don't know if I can spend
the rest of my life...

with the kind of guy
who won't let me eat off his plate.

- Trust me. it can be done.
- And I should not make such a big deal about that.

- I promise I'll try and do better.
- No, you're right.

- You don't like it, and I should respect that more.
- Are you guys married?

Oh, this May. But, basically,
we've been married for years.

- Yeah.
- And is Cam everything that I dreamed of?

- Tread lightly, counselor.
- Yes. Yes, he is.

Because through all the compromises...

and negotiations and arguments
and sometimes even boredom...

I cannot picture my life without him.

That's very sweet.
I would've scooted past the boredom, but-

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself,
can you imagine your life without this person?

Huh.

Hey. All right, look.
I paid the check, okay?

- Let's just go.
- Can you just please sit?

I've been talking to the guys here,
and they've really opened my eyes.

- They did?
- Yes.

I've been trying to picture my life
without you, and... you know what?

I can.

- We didn't tell her that.
- I didn't say that.

No, I want what you guys have, okay?
I'm sorry, Brandon.

I am so sorry,
but we both deserve that.

I've never been so sure of anything.

You know what?
I'm just gonna go get a cab, okay?

Good-bye. And thank you.

- Don't-Don't thank us!
- We didn't do anything, so- We didn't. Honestly.

This is the worst night of my life.

I'm sorry. But, I mean,
um, at least now it's over.

You can... start to move on.

I've been trying
to picture...

my life without you
and.. you know what?

- Stupid phone.
- I can.

It's a...

devil phone.

When Mitchell was born,
he was a month premature...

so it was touch and go there
for a while.

It's 2:00 a.m.

I walk out into the hospital
waiting room to get some air...

and there's Shorty.

He'd been sitting there for six hours
and refused to leave for the next two days.

That's where we got
Mitchell's middle name.

Not Shorty. Vincent.

M.V. P.

We were a little premature
on that one too.

Gloria, I'm going for a drive.

- Say hi to Shorty for me.
- I'm not talking to you.

Hey.

I was just coming to see you.

- Um, I left my jacket.
- Oh!

There it is. Come on in.

- Shorty, you know that stuff I said, uh-
- Yeah, I get it.

- We're good, huh?
- Under the bridge.

- All right. I'll see you.
- Shorty, wait.

- I need to say something to you.
- Yeah.

I want to thank you...

for all the great times we've had.

Yeah. We, um-

- We had a lot of laughs.
- Yeah.

And you should know that, uh...

you're my best friend.

You know? Probably the best friend
I'm ever gonna have.

Jay, I, uh- What are you doing to me?

This is hard for me. I'm just-

I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.

Well, I'm gonna tell you how I feel.

I admire the hell out of you, Jay.

I always tell Darlene,
"That's a real guy."

Self-made, stand-up.

- The kind of guy you want to be in a foxhole with.
- I'm not all that.

Well, it's not like
I've been in a foxhole.

I'm gonna miss you, Vincent.

I'm gonna miss you too.

I love you.

I love you too, Jaybird.

I really, really do.

You call me, okay?

Every day!

Every damn day!

I'm being honest.
This is a little girlier than I thought.

Ugh.

Two years.

How could she just walk away?

- You know what? She did you a favor.
- Absolutely.

- You can do so much better.
- Oh, my God.

- Insanely better.
- No, he's not kidding.

Brandon, you are seriously gorge!

If you ask me,
she got the better end of the deal.

- You really think so?
- Yes!

- Yes!
- And her whole fake blonde thing?

- It was kind of trampy.
- And truth be told, she didn't seem that bright.

Is she older than you?
She looked significantly older than you.

Trust us. This is the-

best thing
that's ever happened to you.

Oh! Thank God you're still here!

I was on my way home,
and all of a sudden, I started crying.

And I realized I was just scared,
and I love you...

and I'm so, so sorry.

And, yes, Brandon,
if you'll still have me, yes, I will marry you!

- Okay. Well, good luck.
- So nice meeting you.

- Yeah, take care.
- Okay.