Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Under Pressure - full transcript

Okay, everybody.
Cake time!

Thank God.
I really have to study.

Oh, sweetheart, can't you
just take a minute to enjoy it?

It's your birthday.

You put too much
pressure on yourself.

I remember my sweet 16.
I wanted a theme party.

"Moonstruck" had just come out,
but I hadn't, so --

no stories, no time -- S.A.T.s.

Here we go, everybody.

♪ Ha... ♪
Wait, wait. We all know why we're here.

- Ay, honey, you missed one --
- I know!



- I know I missed one! I'm not an idiot!
- Whoa.

There! Happy?!

- Whoa. You're being a little --
- Obstreperous?!

Recalcitrant?! Truculent?!

I was gonna say "cray-cray."

- Alex, sweet--
- I really need to focus!

There is a 16-year-old
science prodigy

studying cancer research
at Johns Hopkins!

16! What am I doing?!
I'm eating cake!

- Hey.
- No, no, no.

Cake! Cake! Cake!

Alex might be a little bit
fragile after last night,

so let's try to be sensitive.

Oh, believe me --
I am going to be



nothing but nice
to Alex from now on.

If she snaps and
goes on a rampage,

who do you think
she's coming for first?

She's not going on a rampage.

I bet she'd let me live.
She likes me.

I'm just gonna say it --
I never trusted her.

Oh, everybody just be normal.

We're gonna treat her exactly
the way we usually do.

- And there she is!
- Hey-oh!

- Hi, pretty girl.
- How'd you sleep?

- Fine.
- Your hair looks super-soft, Al.

And is that a great new sweater?
Love!

Dad, can you hand me
the butter knife?

No!

Haley, Luke, upstairs, please.

Thank you.

Thanks.

So, about my meltdown.

Who? What meltdown?

I want to see a therapist.
I did some research.

Dr. Gregory Clark --
highly recommended,

specializes in teenagers,
and is covered by our insurance.

I booked a double session
with him today.

And since you guys
have the open house,

I will be taking the bus.

- Okay.
- That sounds good.

She's like a self-cleaning oven.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Check it out.

I'm rockin' the old school
for the open house today.

I'm gonna put the
"fizz" back in "phys ed."

I love it -- all of it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because I want to make
a good impression today.

I want to be the teacher
all the parents are talking about.

Well, that explains the socks.

- What?
- Huh?

There's a caste system at school --

academic teachers at the top,
gym teachers at the bottom.

It's offensive and disrespectful.

They treat us
like we're lunch ladies.

Hey, there, neighbor.

Oh, hey.

- It's Asher, right?
- Yeah.

Um, I just wanted
to let you know --

I think there might be something

- wrong with your air conditioner.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, I mean, it just seems
to be running a lot,

even when it's, uh,
kind of cool outside.

Oh. No, no.

Um, my partner runs a little hot.

Not as hot as our planet.

Sorry. I don't mean to be that guy.

It's just, um,
we're all in this together.

Yeah, I drive a Prius, so...

And that's a nice little gesture.

My car runs
on reclaimed cooking oil.

I have some literature,
if you want it.

That's okay. Save the paper.

I haven't printed
anything since 2004.

- I was gonna e-mail you.
- On your power-hungry computer?

My entire house is solar-powered.

I sell energy back to the grid

and use that money
to save polar bears.

I'm an environmental lawyer,
so, you know, I'm pretty green.

Mm. So is your lawn.

I went drought-tolerant --

succulents, indigenous plants,
rock garden.

My other daddy says
your yard looks like a litter box.

She's a cute kid.

I remember when she was
in disposable diapers.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Why do you look like that
when I look like this?

My friends say
it's because of your money.

No, I'm just saying
why is she all dressed up

for a school open house?

I want to impress
Manny's history teacher.

I want Manny to go
to Washington, D.C.

Yeah, junior congress.

Only one kid in the whole grade
gets picked to go.

I think I can make a difference.

Regular congress
can't even make a difference.

Don't worry, Manny.
I have it covered.

You just go and enjoy your date.

I have a date.
It's no big deal.

D-don't make a whole thing about it.

What did I do with my car keys?

I mean, we're just friends now,
but I have a good feeling.

- I know -- don't get ahead of myself.
- Every time I put them down.

- What is her name?
- Either Zoe or Piper.

How can you be going on a date
and you don't know her name?

- This is where it gets interesting.
- I seriously doubt that.

A few days ago, we almost
let a girl come between us.

- Who is she?
- The new girl.

- She's pretty.
- Super-pretty.

Dibs.

What?! N-no.
You can't call dibs.

She's a human being with feelings,
not the front seat.

Then a miracle happened.

Twins -- each as pretty as the other.

It's funny --
Luke and I don't usually go

for the same kind of girl.

Yeah. I like to describe
my type as "gettable."

What are you doing, Tucker?

Oh, hey, Principal Brown.

Do you know how other teachers
drone on and on

to parents with
their boring lectures?

Well, I thought
I would go another way.

Oh. Well, I don't like
the sound of that at all.

I think you will.

I'm gonna spice things up

with a spirited game of dodgeball.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

- Okay, before you say "no"...
- I already said "no."

- ...let me show you my whole bit.
- Uh-huh.

Howdy, folks.

My name's Tucker.

I'm the sheriff of Dodge... Ball.

- Oh.
- "Laugh, laugh, laugh."

- And then --
- No. No "then." No.

Have you seen the shape
some of these folks are in?

We don't need a parent
dropping dead in here.

Look, this is the "Dolphin den."

I am not renaming it

the Harvey K. Mandelbaum
memorial gym.

But I was gonna divide everybody up
into the Hatfield and McCoys.

Just no dodgeball.

Hello, Mr. Ingram.

I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett,
Manny's mother.

Yes, of course.

I just wanted
to thank you so much.

He thinks the world of you.

You know,
as a child of an immigrant,

he can look at the world
with such a fresh perspective.

And talking about fresh,
I brought you some empanadas.

Subtle.

Hey, Phil.
Where's Claire?

Oh, she's going to Alex's classes.

I'm doing Luke's.
I'm surprised to see you here.

- Isn't your team playing today?
- Yeah. Gloria made me come.

I think I'm recording the game,

but, you know,
you can never know.

The last time,
I got six hours of Bravo.

And who knows?

Maybe Manny's going to be
the first Latino president.

Hello, Mr. Ingram.

Dr. Donna Duncan,
Wesley's mom.

Just brought you
a little thank-you

for being his absolute
favorite teacher ever.

- Those cupcakes are so white.
- Thank you.

- Dr. Donna Duncan.
- I'm Gloria.

We've met several times.

Oh, of course.

- Mario's mom.
- Manny.

And how is he fitting in now?
Better?

Anyway...

Here she is.

You brought a flask
to an open house?

- You want some? It's scotch.
- No. Put it away.

Don't be such a goody-goody.

Taste it.
It's older than you are.

- I don't want any scotch.
- Well, just smell it.

- Fine.
- Mr. Dunphy, is that a flask?

No. It is. It I--

- Uh, I was -- it's his.
- No, it's not.

For the record, no alcohol
is allowed on school premises.

For God's sake, Phil,
it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

So, Alex, tell me why you're here.

I had a little meltdown last night,

and I'm afraid it'll happen again

but, this time, in the middle
of the S.A.T.s or something.

Why do you think
you melted down?

I'm stressed.

It's my junior year.

Part of me feels like

the limbic system
in my brain's a bit off.

That's a thing, right?
I did some research.

You know I charge the same
even if you diagnose yourself?

I'm just trying to move this along.

I have a lot to do.

Well, uh, this is a process.

You know, it takes some time.

What -- what are you thinking?

- Nothing.
- No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.

That maybe you're not up for this.

I mean, no offense.

- You're just a lot older than
you look on your website. - Oh.

Did you even have S.A.T.s

when you were in High School
or Asian kids?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

But there were other things
I worried about --

Spanish inquisition,
sailing off the edge of the world,

learning how to understand fire.

Sorry.

- You mind if we try something?
- What?

Just do me a favor.

Take a deep breath.

Great.

Now... what's on your mind?

Well...

I just remembered that I forgot

to charge my computer
before I left

and that I have to get
new index cards before Monday.

Hopefully they don't run out
of the blue ones,

because, for some reason,
those help me study better.

Maybe it's because
they're easier to read

or maybe my prescription's
getting worse.

I should probably make an appointment
with the eye doctor.

Also, should I get a job this summer

or would an internship
look better on my application?

And what is up with Hillary?
Is she going to run or not?

I mean, I feel like
she'd totally understand

the feeling of being overwhelmed,

but also like you're not doing
enough at the same time.

Wow.

- Hey, Nina, how's Sanjay?
- Oh, great. Thanks.

He's just dealing with
the S.A.T.s and the A.C.T.s

and that merit scholarship application

everyone's so stressed about.

What -- what application?

Let's begin by talking about
the A.P. Physics test,

which, as you know,
takes place on...

May 21st.

With Luke and Haley,

I'm on top of everything
because they aren't.

But Alex is so self-sufficient,

I just sort of put it
in cruise control.

I've fallen asleep
at the wheel,

and now my little genius
is covered in cake.

Now, a list of practice tests
I recommend

the students take
before then

3a, 4c, 12a through "f,"

18d, 19a, 23c,

24g, 25h, 26a...

Meanwhile, a great artist
like Bob Dylan

would get voted off
in the first round, which --

if you wet the end,
it will stick to his face.

- You're a genius.
- Piper, that's rude.

You know, Manny, in chorus,
we sing "Blowin' in the wind."

Now that's blowin' in the wind.

You're funny, Luke.

Manny and I need
to use the restroom.

We do?

You've got to switch with me.

What? No, we can't do that.

They're twins.
They'll never notice.

You realize we're not twins, right?

Special dollhouse delivery for Lily!

It's here, it's here!

I think you're going to love it.

I spent so many hours playing
with this when I was your age.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, quick, turn off your car.

Why? It's in park, I think.

I have a judgey green neighbor.

He had the nerve
to come over here

and tell me that
I'm not green enough.

Shut up! You're super-green.

Thank you.
I'm -- I'm recycling a Dollhouse.

I even recycled a child.

- Didn't you win some award?
- Yes, yes.

The State Bar Association award
for sustained excellence

in the field of environmental...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the one.

...Law.
There was one word left.

You didn't have to cut me off.

Dollhouse, please.

- Okay.
- Yeah, in a minute.

- You know what you should do?
- Hmm?

March right over there

and wave that trophy
in his stupid eco face.

No. You think?

Yes. Those people
are so annoying.

There's this girl at my school

who was all over me about
my boots 'cause they're leather.

Meanwhile, she's wearing crocs,
like those aren't endangered.

You know what?
I am gonna do that.

Show him to out-green me.

- Okay. Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

All right, those are
blowing into his yard.

That is -- okay, that's definitely
gonna hurt my case.

Uh, you pick these up.

I'm gonna go get the trophy.
Lily, help her.

I heard that
"recycled child" comment.

Thanks to your little flask,

now the teacher
thinks I'm a burnout.

Football game.

Football game!

- What are you doing?
- You can do this now.

- I saw it in a commercial.
- Not with that phone.

You might as well
say it into your wallet.

Come on.
We're gonna be late for math.

- I'm not going to any more boring classes.
- You're just gonna cut?

No, I'm just not gonna go
because I'm in my 60s.

Teacher's lounge.

They got a TV in here.

- We can't go in the teacher's lounge.
- Why not?

- Um, it's for teachers only.
- You're a teacher.

Right now, you're teaching me
how to be a little bitch.

Jay, don't.
Jay.

Jay!

So, when do you think
you'll be making your decision?

Oh, sometime
in the next week or so.

Oh, take your time.
It would be rude to rush you.

Not as rude
as interrupting two people

in the middle of a conversation.

Well, actually, I'll go.

I'm gonna go grab some coffee.

Good idea because those
cupcakes look very dry.

Okay. This is unbelievable.

They just gave me four books
on applying to top colleges.

When am I gonna have
time to read all this?

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you there.
Come on, girls.

Oh, she's so mean.

- Everybody sees me.
- Who was that?

Dr. Dooda Dada.

She thinks that
she can flirt her son

all the way to Washington,
but I'm gonna take her down.

- I would love to chat, but I got
to get to A.P. Calc. - Okay.

Physical education is
a critical part of every school day.

As we develop the mind,
so we must the body.

This begins with good nutrition,
uh, physical activity,

sportsmanship, and attention
to personal hygiene.

No, please, please,
please don't go.

I know this is boring,
but this isn't my idea.

I wanted to play
a spirited game of dodgeball, but --

- That sounds fun.
- I'll play dodgeball.

I'll play, too.

Anything's got to be
better than this.

Oh, well, you know what?

We're really not supposed to,
but you know what?

Hey, guys, listen to this.
My name's Cam.

I'm the sheriff of Dodge... Ball.

Okay, you guys are the Hatfields.

You are the McCoys.

Mr. Mandelbaum,
I'd like you to stay seated.

You're gonna be our referee.

All right, everybody,
let's dodgeball!

Dodgeball was a smash.

Dr. Donna and Gloria
were like two assassins

just picking off
their victims one by one.

Okay, last two dodgeballers.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Are you ready?

Yes!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm going to kill you!

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, don't!

- Ow! My eye!
- I don't understand you!

So, you like theater,

and you just put
this fake thumb in our fries.

Yep.

I'm gonna go out
on a limb here

and say we're
with the wrong people.

Let's just switch dates
and get this party started.

What? We don't want to switch.

Yeah. I'm not attracted to you.

And I'm not attracted to you.

Wait a minute.

We like all the same things,
but you don't think I'm cute?

I've got a thing for Latin men.

I like 'em dumb.

- Ugh. Well, that's just offensive.
- And shallow.

Just because we're guys doesn't mean
we don't have feelings.

Yeah. I don't feel good about this.

It makes me feel...

Bad.

Come on, Luke.
Let's get out of here.

Our parents aren't home.

If you want,
we'll make out with you.

I'm not proud
of what happened next.

I am.

He's not home.

How's the cleanup going?

- Well, I think I got most of them.
- You've been at this a while.

How come you only have
like eight peanuts?

Instead of carrying them around,

I made a huge pile right over th--

- Again?!
- Geez. They're everywhere.

Oh, God. No! Bird!

Aah! Oh, no!

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no! What is that smell?!

It smells like French fries!

It's biodiesel. Can you plug it up?

- Oh, what? With what? Popcorn?
- Oh, geez. Oh, God.

- No!
- My boots! This is a disaster!

Save the seals!

What -- what -- what --
what the hell?

What did you do?

Uh, I won a green award.

That's what.

You think you can get
this thing to work?

Hey, you're supposed
to be the lookout.

- What if somebody walks in?
- Gee, they'll call my parents.

Hey! Look! You did it!

Yeah, it's not
that big of a deal.

Listen, I'm gonna
get back to class.

Before you go,
let me ask you a question.

How do you know
how to do all this stuff?

Back in High School,
I was in the A.V. club.

We did all kinds of crazy things.

One year, we hid
a microphone in the gym.

We could totally hear everything
that was going on at prom.

I used to make fun
of guys like you.

This is pretty cool.

Really?

You think this is cool...

- First down!
- All right.

Best open house ever.

It's all gravy when
you're in the A.V.

Admit it -- doesn't it feel good
to break a few rules,

take a walk on the wild side?

- You're welcome.
- No, you're welcome.

I'm the one who set
this whole thing up.

Let's just say
we make a good team.

To us.

There he goes.
There he goes.

- Come on, come on!
- Come on!

- Come on!
- Yeah!

I've been like this for as long
as I can remember.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I was little,

I was in a spelling bee at school

and I really wanted to win.

I don't know why.
There was no prize.

No one cared.

My parents didn't even
know I was in it.

I just felt this weight
on my shoulders,

like if I lost, I'd...
I don't know.

- I just had to win.
- And did you?

Yep. Know what
the winning word was?

Responsibility.

Is that what you feel?

A responsibility
to win all the time?

To always be the best?

That's one way to put it.

And this responsibility --
where does it come from?

I'm not sure.
It's just... there.

So it's an internal pressure.

Kind of.

I mean, once
you start overachieving,

people expect things from you.

Like what people?

You know, the world...

Teachers, parents, other kids.

It's not all internal.

Don't get me wrong.

I like the way I'm wired.

It's what's going to get me
into a good school.

It's what makes me who I am.

And how is that --
being who you are?

I don't know.

Mostly good.

A little exhausting.

Sometimes hard.

I guess there's your answer.

It's hard being me.

Tell me a little more
about your family.

They're pretty normal,
I guess.

I'm not like any of them,

- but that doesn't really bother me.
- Ever?

Only when they say things like
"Alex, you study too much"

or "don't freak out"
or "go do something fun."

So, your siblings --

they don't experience
the same pressures you do.

Oh, God, no.
They don't care about school.

Hmm. Why do you think that is?

I mean, you all grew up
in the same house

with the same parents,
yet you're the only one

who feels this
enormous pressure

to achieve at such a high level.

Why do we even have
to talk about my family?

They don't have
anything to do with this.

They don't get me.

How's that feel?

- I don't know.
- You're a smart girl.

- Try a little harder.
- I said I don't know.

I feel...

Kind of alone.

I realize our juniors are busy
with S.A.T.s, so as a rule,

I only give two hours
of homework a night.

- Two hours?
- Our students are highly advanced.

It's nothing they can't handle.

You know, I'm --
I'm sure they can.

It's just that if they have
two hours in this class

and they have
an hour for A.P. Bio

and an hour and a half for,
um, advanced lit

and -- hang on one second.

Let me just do this
on the board,

'cause then it's --
um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.5

and then another,
uh, hour and a half

for A.P. History --
gives us...

- It's 6.
- Yes!

Nina, I was getting there.

Thank you!
Thank you so much!

If I could just
have a second to think

without all the tippy-tappy typing.

6.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You've ruined dodgeball
for everyone.

She was the one who threw
that ball in my face.

Only because you threw
yourself at Mr. Ingram.

Okay, ladies, please.

Can't you see
what's going on here?

You both just want
what's best for your kids.

- Huh?
- I need to get this trip for Wesley.

I'm tired of him being
so mad at me all the time.

Why is he mad?

Oh, he blames me
for the divorce.

His father will always
be the hero.

It's hard to blame someone
who's never there.

Now, can't you relate to that?

It will get better.

Kids always figure out
who's really there for them.

Again, we're very sorry
about the projector.

I'll send a check on Monday.

- Hi, honey.
- I got in trouble.

Whatever she did,
add it to my tab.

- All right, let's do this.
- No. No, no, no.

Not you two, just you.
Come on, sheriff.

Oh. Oh, hey, honey.
How did it go?

Good. And I made another
session for next week.

- Hmm.
- How was the open house?

Wow. So intense.

I had no idea the kind
of pressure you're under.

Honey, I was just you
for two hours.

I could barely hold it together.

I don't know how you don't
have a meltdown every day.

I -- oh, honey.

Sweetie, what?
Did I say something?

Yes.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Again, I am so sorry.

I-I guess, in retrospect,
it was a little crazy

that I wanted to show you
my state bar association award.

Stop.

And it's possible I come on
a little too strong.

No. No, no.

I like to think that
I'm greener than I am,

but maybe I just want the credit

without doing all the hard work
that you do.

Well, you're right -- it is hard,

but, you know, it's also alienating.

You know, no one wants
to be friends with me.

I-I can't tell you the last time
I had people over for dinner,

which is probably a good thing.

You know, with solar power,

it takes four days
to roast a chicken.

- Really? - If you want it cooked
all the way through, yeah.

- Hmm.
- You know I had salmonella three times?

If you want to come over
to our house for dinner,

we kind of owe you.
You can play with my dollhouse.

- Yeah?

- Is it made from sustainable materials?
- Forget it.

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