Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - And One to Grow On - full transcript

Phil tricks Luke into taking a dance class, but the joke is on him when the white lie indirectly lands him in the slammer. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria throw a birthday party for Manny and Joe...

Hey, honey.

Oh, you're just
in time for breakfast.

Ooh, we should probably
go light on the food.

Something tells me we're

not gonna want
to do this on a full stomach.

I can't believe there's
such a thing as autopsy camp.

There is no such thing
as autopsy camp.

I had to trick Luke

'cause I'm actually taking him
to a ballroom-dance class.

He's been resisting,
but it's in his blood.

I come from a long line
of dancing Dunphys --

a kick line, actually.

Come on,
we don't want to be late,

like the guy we're
gonna see on the table.

Am I right?

Of corpse you are.

Hey, mom,
can you take me driving?

My test is coming up,
and I really need to practice.

Oh, honey, I would,

but I've got a big closets
and blinds union meeting today.

There is no closets and blinds union.

Driving with Alex is torture.

She drives so slowly.

I have to be the only parent
who slams on the imaginary gas.

Hey, I'm not doing anything.
I guess I could take her.

Great! I'll go check the tire pressure
and the fluid levels!

Fun! Can't wait!
Be out in a sec!

Okay, my rate just went up.

All right, but this buys
your time and your silence.

Alex can never know
how much I hate driving with her.

Mm, she's in a hurry today.

Oh, that's just step one
of her nine-point safety test.

Step two is checking the horn

to make sure checking the horn
didn't break the horn.

She should never drive.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

Forget it! You tricked me!

I'm sorry, buddy,
but no son of mine's

going to High School
without at least knowing

how to do a proper box step.

Trust me, dancers
always get the girls.

Remember the great
Kevin Bacon from "Footloose"?

More like "Footloser."


All right, no more talking.
We're doing this.

You'll thank me someday.

It gets better when
you find your signature move!

They used to call me
"king of the dips"!

Why can't we just repurpose
some of the stuff

from Manny's party last night?

We got half a cake left.

The balloons are fine.

It's bad enough
that both my sons

have to share the same birthday.

At least they deserve
their own party.

You think Joe's
gonna mind day-old cake?

He can't even eat it.
He's got three teeth.

I'll remember that in 20 years
when you want cake.

He doesn't even know
the party's for him.

He understands
more than you think.

Right, Andy?

Who, F-Jo here?
He is smart as a whip.

When we play peek-a-boo,
half the time he's ahead of me.

Not exactly "Clash of the titans."

Manny, whose coat is that?

Amy Martin left it here
last night after my party.

I was getting some
pretty strong signals from her.

I think she did it on purpose

so she'd have an excuse
to come back.

Or because she couldn't
get out fast enough.

If she was a cartoon,
she'd have left her skin here.

What does that mean?

That Amy is out of his league.

He always does this
and ends up getting hurt.

- You need to talk to him.
- And say what?

Tell him to go for girls
he stands a chance with.

I overheard him
talking to Reuben.

There's some girl
that really likes him,

but of course Manny's
not interested in her.

He's got to go
for the head cheerleader.

How do you know
that Amy's the head cheerleader?

I overheard that, too.

For someone whose favorite
words at the movies

are, "what did he say?"
you overhear pretty good.

Yes, Lily, I-I pinky-promise

that we'll be home in time
for baby Joe's party.

Mm-hmm. I am.
I'm touching to the phone.

Yeah, and butterfly kisses.

Okay, okay.

Little girls -- so excitable.

I was wishing they had a gazebo,
and then they did!

Ever since I was a little boy,
I have dreamed --

dreamed of getting married
in a place exactly like this.

So, what date
were you looking at?

March 28th.
That's the anniversary of our first date.

Oh, wait, um, I'm sorry.
Is this price per person?

Yes, excluding alcohol,
cake, and music.

What's that --
the mennonite package?

I think you'll find
our prices are competitive.

Well, I'm ready to commit.

Cam, Cam.

I'm sorry.

Can -- can we have
a moment, please?

Okay, well, let's hope he's not having
any last-minute jitters.

You're not having
last-minute jitters, are you?

No, no, but it's a really large deposit,

and I want to make sure

that we're absolutely
certain about this place.

Well, I'm certain, and we've looked
at every possible venue.

And Pepper was by far
the least snarky about this one.

That's true.

He doesn't throw the word
"adequate" around lightly.

- Okay, okay, it's this place.
- Okay.

But stop being
so excited, all right?

We might be able to get
the price down a little bit.

Okay, okay, poker face,
poker face.

- Yeah, now work on your poker voice.
- Poker voice.

So, we do like it.

We're just not sure
that we love it.

Yeah, we're not sure
we love it.

Oh, that's a relief

because someone just called.

- The room is booked.
- What?!

No, no, no! Okay, wait,
are you playing hardball?

Because we're playing hardball, too!

We love it!

Oh, s-sorry.

A young lady planning
a sweet 16 just booked your date.

After that, we don't have
another opening for...

- Two months.
- No.

No, it has to be
on our anniversary.

Wait, did Tracy McCoy
book this room?

Tracy McCoy's a student of mine.

Okay, I may have a plan.

I am not having
a wedding/"hunger games"-themed

sweet 16 par--
oh, you're tapping your fingers.

You really do have a plan.

Well, somebody smells good.

What perfume is that?

Every perfume!

20 of the sweatiest,
geekiest girls

God ever fouled this planet with

and just me dancing
with all of them!

During the Charleston,

my hair got caught
in one of their headgear!

Wow, Charleston on the first day?

Last day!

Just because you're a dancer

doesn't mean I have to be one,
too, cha cha cha.

Damn it!

I'm never gonna fall
for one of your lies again.

Just take me to autopsy camp.

Oh, shoot.
Am I gonna get a ticket?

If there's any justice,

it'll be a big one,
too, three, and four.

Damn it!

License and registration, please.

Absolutely. There you are.

You know one
of your taillights is out?

No, I did not.
What a ding-dong!

Wait right here.

Will do.
We'll be right here.

This is what you get
for lying to me.

What choice did I have?
You used to be up for anything.

Now, no matter what I suggest,
it's no, no, no.

It's called growing up and
having your own interests,

like the minister's daughter
in your precious "Footloose."

Wow, using my own
movie against me.

Let's hear it for the boy.

Please step out of the car.

Oh, I believe you
about the taillight.

- Out of the car!
- Okay.

I'm sorry, but I have
to place you under arrest.

Wait, what?!

A car registered to you

has accumulated
18 unpaid parking violations...

All on campus drive.

Oh, my God, those
are my daughter's tickets!

He's got an answer
for everything.

I got to take you down
to the station house.

You can ride up
front with me.

Seriously, can't I just
pay you for them now?!

At the station house, sir.

Can we at least not drive
by Middle Earth comics

and Trampoline World?!

People look up
to me in this town!

No, honey, Luke's fine.

And they won't take
a credit card?

No, it's $1,600, cash only.

But, honey, it's Sunday.

I can only get a few
hundred bucks from the atm.

Sir, your time's up.

Honey, just use
the emergency cash, okay?

- Tick-tock.
- Uh, b-but, Phil --

- Got to go!
- No, honey --

I forgot the hiding place! Phil?

Phil has $1,000
hidden in the house,

and he's made up
a crazy mnemonic device

to remember the location,

which he changes every month
to stay ahead of the bad guys.

What bad guys?

"Loot" rhymes with "coot,"
which takes us to...

This picture
of your grandfather.

"Moola" sounds like "coola."

Not a word.

Money is in
the air-conditioning vent.

This will all be over soon, buddy.

Just give me one last smile!

You too.

Mom's already on her way
with the money, okay? Don't worry!

Oh, my God,
I don't want to go in there!

You're going in here.

I don't want to go in here!

This is where Sophie works.

She's the one in the hat.

- Copy that.
- Tracy works upstairs.

We'll meet in the food court
in 30 minutes. Sound like a plan?

A plan, not sure if it's
a finger-drumming plan.

Get in there.

Two of my students,
Tracy and Sophie, BFFs,

were planning on having
a joint sweet 16 together

until they got in a fight
over a boy, Rodney.

Now Tracy is planning
on having her own party

at the Carriage House.

Our venue, our date.

So, our solution --
talk to them, patch things up

so that they have
their party together again

at the original location.

Friends fighting over a boy --

something we know
a thing or two about.

Of course, usually it's gay men,
not teenage girls,

so we will have to adjust
our approach just a -- not at all.

I don't know.

Uh, may I help you?

Mm, yeah, uh, Sophie.

Um, I'm looking
for something for my niece.

She's been really
bummed out lately --

fight with her best friend --
so I'm just --

I'm trying to cheer her up.

That's so nice.

Yeah, she's always saying to me,
"Uncle Mitch, you're so cool.

"You're so rad.

I'm so glad I talk to you
about my problems."

You know, I just --
I really get kids that age.

You know, she's --
she's almost 16, so...

I'm almost 16.



Tracy McCoy?

Mr. Tucker, hi.

I didn't know you were
old enough to have a job.

I didn't have a job
until I was 16.

Well, I'm almost 16, so...


Oh, my gosh,
I remember back then.

My friends and I
had so much fun,

well, when we weren't arguing

about silly things like parties and...

Okay, that's a lot
of mirror looking,

and that's me saying that.

Good, good.

Nice cruising speed.

Oh, look, there's that jogger.

Now we're in the lead.

Can we put the brakes
on the sarcasm?

They're worn out.

Hey, mom.

Haley, listen to me.

You did not pay
a bunch of parking tickets,

and now your father is in jail.

And I have to go bail him out

just as soon
as I can get my hands

on a giant pile of cash.

Cash -- ash!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh! That was furry!

You are in so much trouble.

Oh, don't you think I know that?!

What am I gonna do?!

You're going to get
what you deserve.

A parking violation is second
only to a moving violation,

which is grounds for the loss
of a driving privilege.

Privilege, not a right.

Oh, my God, shut up!

This is why mom pays me
to drive with you!


Where do you think
she's calling me from --

the closet and blinds union?

Why would closet workers
and blind people

even have a union together?!


Excuse me, waiter.

Could you please tell me
about the surf and turf?

Mr. Lobster says...

"It's terrible!"

While Mr. Cow goes...

I think you should probably
just have the pasta."


No, no, no, little man.

That's your dada
right there with the drinky.


Don't feel bad.
He's just making sounds.

He may not even know
what the "d" word means.

I'm fine. He's 1.

I've watched him pee
into his own face and smile.

Hola, mi amor.

I wanted to talk to you.

What are you doing?

I decided to top Amy's
little "forgotten coat" trick

with a romantic gesture
of my own.

You see --

Yes, about Amy...

I know that I don't know her,

but she seems like some
of those girls that you have liked,

but they haven't always --

You may not know her, but I do.

I went on her Facebook page,

and I put one
of her favorite things

in each of the pockets
of her coat.

So when she reaches inside --

She'll find a small box
of Dutch chocolates.

Sweet, but --

Raspberry rhapsody
lip gloss, anyone?

My favorite, but I still wonder --

Hello, heavenly soak bath salts.

What next will she find?!

Only a Lily of the valley
scented candle.

I love it!

Oh, I wish she had more pockets!

"Bucks" rhymes with "nyuks" --

Three stooges.

Damn it!

"Wampum," "pom-pom" --

cheerleading costume.

Come on.
Oh, my God, really?

"Bank," "sank" --

novelization of the movie "Titanic."

Then why do we keep that thing?!

Oh, Phil, of course!

Of course, because "dough"
rhymes with -- I don't care.

I don't care.

Hi, buddy.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Come on.

He's your dad.

That's right.
He's your dad.

- Hi, dad.
- Hi, dad.

You can do it.

Come on, say, "dad."

Come on.

Come on!


Hey. How'd it go with Sophie?

I did my best, but I don't think
she's ready to forgive.

Oh, damn it.

I know.
We're screwed.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.

Well, Tracy really was out of line.

- Was she?
- Yeah.

Or was Sophie, per usual,
being a big drama queen?

Drama queen?

No, Tracy was spreading rumors

that Sophie's boyfriend
was still into Maya.

They weren't rumors.

She heard it directly
from someone

who saw Maya and Rodney
holding hands at the pier.

Cam, who? Dana!

Yeah, like she can be trusted.

This is Aidan all over again.

Mitchell, it's from Tracy.

"Mr. Tucker, thank you.

"Talked to Sophie.

Party's back on."

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my gosh,
you're an evil genius!

You are!
You know what?

I give Tracy a lot of credit
for admitting she was wrong. I do.

Yeah, even though
it was Sophie's fault.

- No!
- Hmm? What?

They're still using our venue!

No! Are you kidding me?!

- This is so frustrating!
- Really?

Are you sure
that's how you feel,

or do you need a little more
time to think about it?

Sounds like you're trying
to make a point there.

Wow, I'm surprised you picked up
on that so quick.

Yeah, you're definitely
dancing around something.

I feel like it's speed-related.

Yeah, we lost the Carriage House
because you, true to form,

couldn't make a timely decision.

We were out of the room
for two second--

What is this "True to form" business?

28 Richdale Road.

Oh, my God,
are you kidding me?

You hemmed and hawed
over our dream house,

and now somebody else
is eating breakfast in our nook!

I needed the weekend!
I never saw myself in a ranch!

And what about Las Vegas

when you couldn't quite
commit to the show?

- No. No, no, don't.
- No, no, no, it's fine.

We'll see them next time,

just as soon as
that tiger un-eats Roy.

I love the sign!

Uh, I'm not sure.

First, I thought just
a little accent of color

was all it needed,
but now I'm thinking balloons.

Jay, what do you like better --
the accent or the balloons?

I've been asking myself
that since I met you.

Can I just say,

I want this type of playful banter
in my relationship.

Long as you say it
someplace else.

Good one.

What are you doing?
They're gonna be here any moment.

I've been combing
through Manny's yearbook.

I found a few girls
he might have a shot with.

Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's
like from the neck down?

I didn't tell him what
you told me to say.

What? Why?

Because he told me what he's going
to do when Amy comes here,

and it's beautiful.

I think he has a better
chance than you think.

He knows how to talk to girls.

He knows how to talk to a girl -- you.

I hope you have
a recent picture of his heart.

You're gonna need it putting
the pieces back together.

I'll get it!

- Hey, mandrake.
- Oh.

Hi, Phil. I heard about jail.

- How are you doing?
- It was rough.

Stayed in that cold cell

a lot longer than I needed to
thanks to my lovely --

Your system is ridiculous, Phil.

Quite simple, actually!

"Cheddah" rhymes with "hedda."

Where do you rest your head on?
Your pilla!

- Help me out, buddy.
- I have no buddy.

But... Luke?

I'll get it!

Would you please just let it go?

I did let it go immediately.

You're the one who hesitated,
like you do with everything.

The whole way here.

Dad, before you get mad, I'm --

Oh, we passed "before
I get mad" hours ago

when I was sitting
in solitary for your crime!

It was only solitary because
no one else was in there.

You paid Haley
to take me driving?

- Uh --
- That's right.

Haley told me everything!

You made up a fake union

just so you wouldn't have
to be with me?!

Alex, I am so sorry.

Haley, I trusted you.

Good luck trusting anyone
in this family,

especially dad.

Usually when I drag you kicking
and screaming to something,

you thank me afterwards.

This time, I was wrong.

What did he do?

He lied me into a dance class.

Luke, I am so sorry.

Haley, you are in so much trouble!

So much trouble!

Stop trying to make this her fault!

What kind of parents
lie to their kids?!

Yeah, what kind of lesson
is that to teach all of this?

Yeah, seriously,
sometimes I want --

Hey, neither one of you
knows the whole story.

Ah, please.

Let me tell them the truth.

Alex, the real reason

mom doesn't want
to teach you to drive

is because she doesn't want you
getting your license.

- What?
- Think about it.

Mom driving you around is kind of
her favorite time with you.

It's the only place where
your nose isn't buried in a book

and she can actually talk to you.

Sure, you're getting your license,

but she's losing her little girl.

Mom, is that true?

Come here.

And the only reason
dad lied to you is...

Should I tell him, dad?


Dad was a huge nerd in college.

He asked mom out like 10 times,
and she always said no.

Finally, he said,
"I'll never bug you again

- if you do one thing."
- Just one.

- "Dance with me."
- Just dance.

He spun her around
on the floor

and expressed himself
with his body

- in a way he never could with words.
- That's beautiful.

Mom finally saw the dad
that we all know and love.

And you wanted
to give that to me?

Come here.

Everybody, come for cake!

We can discuss
my punishment later.


Did she learn that from us?

That can't be taught.
It is a gift.

Yeah, she's still doing it,

following me around
all moony-eyed.

She just won't get the message.

But on the bright side,
Amy's on her way over.

We need to talk.

Got to go, Reuben.

- What's up?
- It's about your love life.

A lot of people here, Jay.

Consider it an intervention.

Now, this whole Amy thing
is going nowhere,

but it sounds like you have
a girl that really likes you.

Now, I know it's not
everything you want.

M-maybe she's a little
thick in the middle.

I don't know.

But why don't you give her a try?

So you think that's
the girl I should go for?

She's obviously crazy about you.

I mean, what else
do you even know about her?

Hi, Manny.

Well, she's 6 and related to me.

Shall I go on?

Okay, that explains all the outfits

she rejected this morning.

The point remains.

You could lower
your sights a little.

Good, we're still talking about this.

Ay, leave him alone.

When Amy comes, she's going
to love her coat surprise.

Who's Amy?

This girl Jay
doesn't think is into me,

but she left her coat here.

Why else would a person do that?

By that logic, I love Denny's.

Even if she's not
into me right away,

isn't it possible she
could fall for me over time?

No, there's a thing called chemistry.

People know right away.

Not necessarily.

I didn't know immediately
that I liked you.

Well, maybe not the first minute.

One month.

A month?

I'm with Manny.

Some people can trust their instincts

and leap in with both feet.

Others need to take their time.

Okay, what Cam
is so subtly implying

is that he knew instantly with me

while I, as usual,
took my sweet time.

Well, guess what.
I knew instantly with you.

How about that?

- Actually, I didn't.
- Okay, well, yes,

if you count that one
disastrous brunch, then --

- Two months.
- Two months?!

- Mm-hmm.
- Yikes!

Well, I'm in the Jay camp.

When you meet
the right person, bang!

That's what happened with --
How long?

Uh... six months?

Six months -- Yikes.

But you were preg-- tically
engaged to me by then.

Mm, nice save, dad.

Wait a minute.

I thought you fell in love with him

after he danced with you.

And that was six months in.

Why did it take you so long
to dance with me, Phil?

I don't know, Claire.

You'd think I would've gotten
to it by then

- since we lived together.
- I'm sorry.

I've been berating you about
dragging your feet, and --

and when it comes to us,
I'm even more hesitate-y than --

No, no, this is great because
that makes our real anniversary

two months later
when we were both sure.

We can still book the Carriage House
for our wedding.

Oh, my gosh, are you calling them?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Although, I-I am --

- Call them.
- Okay.

So, you were living
with this guy the whole time...

- Jay!
- Aww, how cute!

He wants cake!

No, no, listen, listen, listen!

What's he saying?

- Jay.
- Jay!

He's saying, "Jay"!

He knows me!

And that "J" word,
that's harder to say than "dada"!

He's a genius. Come here.

She's here!

This is it, Manny!

Go get her, buddy!

Hey, hey, hey, listen, kid.

Y-you might've been right
about some people

needing a little more time
before they come around.

I mean, look at peanut here.

Good luck, Manny.

Thanks, Jay.

So, it took you six months,
huh, Phil?

I can do six months.

I'll be here!

- I'm not loving this.
- Mnh-mnh.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

His door is still closed.

What is he doing in there?

I think we both know
what he's doing in there.

He's been at it for hours.

That's how I was at his age.

He's gonna wear himself out.

You should talk to him.

I don't want to embarrass him.

- So, knock first.
- Maybe you're right.

I don't want him doing it wrong
and getting hurt.


I'm coming in.

Hey, man.

Get out of here!

Don't be embarrassed, son.
It's perfectly natural!

Get out!