Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Suddenly, Last Summer - full transcript

Mitchell and Cam go behind each other's backs to set up the perfect marriage proposal, Gloria is sad about sending Manny to Colombia, and Phil and Claire try to arrange the kids' vacations to maximize their "alone time."


What's all this? I said one suitcase.

- I need choices, Jay.
- Colombia's not one of your more formal nations.

The guy on their money's
sitting in a lawn chair.

Ay. I cannot believe
that my little baby's leaving me.

You know, I left the glass doors
open downstairs...

so right now your actual baby
may be leaving.

Ah, ah, ah! One robe.

I guess we know what everyone
will be talking about my second morning there.

Manny's visiting Gloria's family
for about a month- I hope.

I just got to get him on a plane...

before Gloria has a meltdown
and changes her mind.

'Cause if he doesn't go to Colombia,
Colombia comes to me.

It's happened before.

Gloria!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- What?

Oh, it's Mitchell. We won.

Oh, that's great! What we won?

It's fantastic. We've waited so long.

- What did we won?
- The Supreme Court ruling. Gay marriage is legal.

- ¡Ay.! Congratulations.
- Thanks, Gloria.

Can I talk to Cam?

Uh, yes. Hold on.

- It's-
- Thank you. Yeah. it's Mitchell. Hi. Hey.

I gotta go, but can you believe
this finally happened?

I know. it's amazing.
We'll celebrate tonight. I love you.

- Celebrate what?
- Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat...

but as of today in California...

it's legal for a man to marry another man!

Ew. He threw up.

He just needs some time
to get used to the idea, honey.

It's so great, Cam.

Yeah, I'm happy for you guys.

Gloria, Manny needs his birth certificate
to reenter the country.

- Any idea where it is?
- I don't know.

Oh, that's right.
He leaves today. You must be a wreck.

She's not a wreck. She's a rock.
I looked and it's not in the safe.

This one had her first sleepover
last week.

I just had to tough my way through it.

He picked me up in the dark.

I can't find that birth certificate
anywhere, Jay.

Maybe it's a sign and-

it's a sign we need a refresher meeting...

on what goes in the safe.

Here's a preview- no shoes.

I looked online, and we can get a copy
if we go to the courthouse.

That's what we're gonna do.
In the car. We'll be back in an hour.

Hey, Cam.
Congratulations. Go, gay marriage!

He did it again.

Ay. Sí.

Okay. Well-

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

So tell me, Cam. How does it work
when it is between two men?

Well, I don't really feel comfortable
talking about that in front of Lily.

I know how that works.

I rented the wrong movie once.

Did you see Glen, Garry, Glenn and Ross?

Uh, no. Why don't you go play?

What I mean is, who proposes to who?

I don't know. We've talked about it-
if it ever became legal.

Okay, and now it is.
So are you going to do it today?

- It just happened. I haven't really had-
- You have to do it today.

Every couple deserves
a beautiful proposal story.

Well, I have always adored
my mom and dad's story.

He plowed "Will you marry me?" into
a snowy field right outside of her window.

And then he tried to recreate it
for their 25th wedding anniversary...

but there was no snow,
so he burned it into a cornfield.

Bad idea.

But Mama did get a second ring
out of it with the FEMA money.

Ay. I wish I also had a romantic story.

One day, we were watching TV
before dinner, and Jay says...

"Manny, hand me that thing."

And Manny gives him the ring.

I was very happy, of course,
but it's not the best story.

At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.

Soldiers talk about that moment...

When they shut off,
when the war finally wins.

Get down!

- Shut up!
- I can't see the TV!

Turn the fan on!

Stop yelling! My head's going to explode!

For me, that moment
is four days into summer vacation.

Hey, honey. What's up?

Do you remember
when summer meant fireflies...

And cutoff shorts and ice cream trucks?

Well, one out of three.

We'll get our time.

They're all going away
at some point, right?

Yeah. Haley's got her beach trip...

and Alex is doing Habitat for Humanity
and Luke has camp.

If I remember, I think we have six hours
totally kid-free on- Oh, the 14th.

If we moved Alex's flight,
we could have, like, 10 or 12 hours.

Dream bigger, hot pants. Step aside.

Sometimes I don't know if I love how much
I fear Claire or fear how much I love her.

Oh.

I have 22nd to the eighth for Alex.
Luke to the 14th.

Haley gets a day there. Come on.

That's it, beautiful mind.
Harness that crazy into something positive.

Shh. if we can get Alex to move her Habitat
for Humanity from Oklahoma to Sacramento...

and Luke to move his camp session...

they will both overlap
with Haley's vacation...

and I just bought us seven kid-free days.

- Witchcraft!
- Yeah.

I've outdone myself, Gloria.

I booked the restaurant
from our first date...

the same table overlooking the ocean...

and I'll do it at sunset, which
I've recently discovered is my ideal lighting.

- That's so romantic.
- I know. isn't it?

Oh. Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, that's Mitchell.

- Gotta go.
- Oh, don't let him hear the excitement in your voice.

You're right. You're right.

What?

I'm at that coffee shop
on Third, and I forgot my wallet.

- Can you come bail me out?
- Oh, isn't this convenient?

It actually was.
I was only two blocks away.

But when I got there, I realized
it was all a ploy so he could propose.

But it was so sweet, I just decided
to ditch my plans and let him do it.

Mitchell, I'm so sorry,
but there is a massive pileup on the 405...

and, well, I have to go pick up Lily.

Maybe you could just call Claire
or something?

Cam. Cam. I got, like,
50 cents to my name.

Have you decided on a tea?

Um-

Do they all cost the same? Yeah.

Look at that line.

Probably everybody
getting their gay marriage license.

I think it's just called
a marriage license.

Yeah, I don't know.

- Maybe we should go home and forget about it.
- What?

I've been reading up
on some of those tropical diseases-

- malaria, yellow fever, rabies.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.

You're fine. You've had all your shots.

And that Paco Rabanne
will scare away any mosquitoes.

Jay, I'm scared.

I'm not sure I want to go through with it.

We didn't drive all the way down here
for that piece of paper...

for you to get cold feet
at the last second.

And what happened anyway? You've been
looking forward to this day for months.

I know, but maybe we should wait
until next year.

- I'm still kind of young to be doing this.
- We're not waiting.

I already paid for you, and your mother
signed off. This is happening.

Great day, huh?

That's disgusting.

- Hello!
- Oh, thank God.

- Mm-hmm.
- I've had so many cups of tea...

they gave me my own one of these.

Oh. Here you go.

So congratulations
on the whole marriage thing.

- How amazing is that, right?
- Yeah. We gonna hear some big gay wedding bells soon?

- Well, just wedding bells.
- Mmm.

Yeah, yeah. Of course.
We've always talked about it.

But you know, it's just
a matter of finding the right timing.

And then there's
a couple of other factors-

tax implications and estate planning.

Oh, stop. I'm swooning.

I'm just being practical.
You're the same way.

You told Phil to take back your
engagement ring and buy you a washer/dryer.

Don't put this back on me.
Come on.

What is Cam's biggest complaint about you?

You're not romantic.
This is your opportunity.

Mitchell, you should go home tonight
and surprise him with a big, splashy proposal.

He would really like it
if I proposed to him.

- Mm-hmm.
- I guess I could stop after work and pick up a card and-

- Oh, my God. You're hopeless.
- I know.

Mitchell, okay. This is what you do.

- Okay.
- It really should be your own idea though.

No, come on. Come on. I need help.

- Please.
- Fine. Okay.

Tonight you cook him his favorite meal.

You open the best bottle of wine.

And just as the two of you
are sitting down to enjoy it...

- you break up with him.
- What? Why?

Because then, as he is at his lowest,
you pop the question.

He goes from agony to ecstasy!
It's so romantic.

- You're kidding, right?
- More traditional?

- Y-
- All right.

You look into his eyes...

and you say, "I saw a doctor.
He found a small dark mass."

- What are you?
- And then just as he begins to cry...

you pull out a black box
with the ring in it.

There's your small dark mass!

- It's genius!
- Y-You're a disaster.

You could go the disaster route too.

Did you ever hear how I told Phil
we were gonna have Luke?

I said, "Thousands of children
die every day."

Dad?

I'm sorry.
Was I being proud of you too loud?

- What are you doing?
- Going off to Habitat, helping all those people.

Honey, I'm speechless.

- Thanks. I just thought it was-
- But are we sure about Oklahoma?

There's so many needy people right up
in Sacramento. And it's driving distance.

I already signed up for my work detail...

and I've been e-mailing with my tentmate.

Yeah. No, you're right.

I guess it's just-

No.

Never mind.

- What is it?
- No. it's stupid.

I've just never been so far away
from my baby girl before.

Not now, waterworks. Not now.

Oh, Daddy.

- You okay, Dad?
- Oh, hey, buddy.

Never been better. You're so thoughtful.

I'm gonna miss that when you go off
to camp on the 14th. Little Wiffle golf?

Wait. I can't go to camp on the 14th.
I have to go when Carly's going.

- Who's Carly?
- Shh!

She's this girl I like,
and she's here right now.

Well, all the more reason
to change camp sessions.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It's foolproof.

Not this fool. Forget it.

What about all the new girls
you're gonna meet? You're only 14.

Do you really wanna be tied down?

Yes!

Oh, Luke. Watch. I-I got it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Nice!

Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy.
Sorry we moved the furniture around.

I was showing Luke the flip I did
at tumbling sectionals.

Oh, no. That's my mom.

But I can leave you guys
this old movie I brought over.

It's called Dirty Dancing

Never let her go.

Hey, Carly's mom.
Phil Dunphy. Big fan of your daughter.

Thank you.

So, heads up- Luke's got to
change his camp session.

- You guys may want to do the same.
- No!

My husband and I have been
working the whiteboard all week...

and we just bought three days away from that.

- Ow! it wasn't even me!
- Bank it!

Carly!

Okay, Manny. Remember,
as soon as you land, watch out for Malaria.

Why? I got a shot for that.

- Can we hurry this up?
- No. I'm talking about your cousin Malaria.

- She's coming to pick you up, but
she might have Rubella. - What?

That's her daughter, but make room
in the car because she could have diphtheria.

- Who's Diphtheria?
- Ay. Manny, diphtheria is a disease.

That's why I want you
to be apart from her in the car.

Let's go, Gloria.
Better say good-bye here.

He's got to hurry to get through security.

- But there's no line.
- For now.

A senior tour bus just pulled up.

You know how much private wanding that is?

Half their skeletons are metal.

Ay. Manny, please.
Call me as soon as you land.

- I'll miss you.
- And we're walking.

I love you!

- Wait.
- No. Up!

- I forgot to give Mom this card I wrote.
- No, no.

I'll handle it.
Safe trip, buddy. Safe trip.

- We're out of here.
- No. Let's wait until he gets to the top.

¡Adiós, mi amor!

Who wants ice cream? Huh?

What if he never comes back?

Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home
and doesn't come back.

I did.

Hey, honey.

I've been mulling over
your Sacramento decision.

- It wasn't exactly my-
- Of course I want my baby girl close...

but I gotta get used to you leaving.

Because college-
and knowing you, a great college-

is right around the corner, am I right?

Now Habitat will look good
on an application...

but does Sacramento
really move the needle?

I have another place in mind.

Little hint- it starts with an "El."

El Salvador? Are you serious?

They have an unstable government,
earthquakes-

Boats. Looks like there's a hill.

I'm just saying, you don't push yourself at this
stage, you wind up at a second-tier college.

Soon you've lost all your ambition.

You're just drifting through life...

hoping someone offers you
an M. R.S. degree.

Is that who you want to be?

Hey, princess. Second breakfast?

Fun.

So big beach trip coming up, huh?

- Yeah.
- Can't get better than late July...

- unless it's early August-
- Save it, Dad.

I know you and Mom
want the house to yourselves.

- Nope.
- I'm the last piece of the puzzle, right?

- What's it worth to you?
- Fine.

How about I pay for gas and two dinners?

Mmm. Gas, all dinners...

groceries, two new bathing suits,
a Boogie board-

- Are you crazy?
- No. I'm also not done.

Yes, you are done. You know why?

You know another way this shakes out?
You don't go.

That's right.
Overplay your hand, I pull the plug...

you blow your last chance
for a good time with your friends.

Word gets out that you're not cool,
then school starts.

You end up with your nose
in a book all year.

No friends, no dates,
not caring how you look.

Is that who you want to be?

Turns out Mitchell
really had forgotten his wallet...

so proposing wasn't even on his radar.

My plan was bulletproof.

He was gonna be as blindsided as
the fattest hog on Founders Day, and I was-

Pretty darn proud of myself.

I had the ideal proposal.

Cam once told me that all he wanted...

was someone to sit in a rocking chair
and grow old with, and-

So while we're at dinner,
Claire is setting up two rocking chairs...

next to the fireplace
with a bottle of champagne.

Oh. He is going to-

Squeal like a Berkshire white
in a four-man pig toss.

Gosh durn it, I miss Founders Day.

This is a little bit fancy
for just a quick bite.

Well, who knows if they can
even get us in? Let me check.

Reservation for Tucker.

Is everything set up with the table?

Yeah.

Oh.

The restaurant
where we had our first date...

the sunset lighting that Cam loves.

He was going to propose.

I was so touched, but at the same time...

he was ruining the one chance
I had for romantic redemption.

Oh, I'm feeling really queasy, Cam.

No, you'll be okay once we sit down.

I think I need to go home. Sorry.

Oh! Excuse me. Sorry. No, no, no.

- We'll get you some ginger ale and some crackers.
- Mm-mmm.

I gotta run to the restroom.
You-You grab the car.

You'll feel better after you throw up!

Okay, new plan. We're coming back early.

- Is everything set up?
- You said two hours. We haven't even left yet.

- Well, hurry!
- Just stall.

Tell him that... Haley had a hemorrhage...

and you're her blood type, so you-

I'm not doing that, you ghoul.

Just get back to the house and-

- Gloria.
- Cam. How did it go? Did you-

it didn't happen.
I have to go with the backup plan.

Fortunately, I had an alternate
proposal scenario in case there was a problem.

Jay and Gloria were babysitting, so I asked them
to recreate the picnic under the stars we had...

the night we moved into
our first apartment.

Mitchell would take one look and-

Sob like a Tony winner.

I got the picnic basket, but you know
what is going to be hard to find?

My interest in this whole damn thing?

No. The blue and white tablecloth.

Here it is. it was in the occasion closet.

They keep their tools in a pillowcase,
but they have an occasions closet.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, Cam is going to propose to Mitch,
so we're here to help him set it up.

That is coconuts. Mitchell asked us
to do the same thing for him.

That just makes me want to stay
and see how this whole thing works out.

We can. Let's set it up,
and then we'll hide somewhere.

Ay. yes, in the occasion closet.

No. We do what they asked and leave.
We never had these problems.

This is what happens
when they let men marry men.

That cannot be a coincidence.

I'm sorry about the detour. I was just
worried about the pileup on the 405.

Oh, take your time.
The drive's actually soothing me.

Oh! Oh, my gosh!

- Oh! Wh-What was that?
- I think it's a blown tire.

- It's okay.
- I know there's a spare. Do-Do we have the tools?

Yeah, yeah.
They're in the pillowcase in the trunk.

Right.

Why do you have to be so grouchy?

We're giving them a beautiful story.

Everybody deserves one.

- I'm an idiot.
- No, you're not an idiot.

You're not as romantic as some-

These things peel off on the back,
and I've been gluing 'em.

Why do I even bother?
You don't care about this stuff.

What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, like when you proposed to me-

"Hey, Manny, hand me that thing."
That's my whole story.

Hang on. That wasn't my fault.
I had something big planned.

You asked him for the ring.

I was asking for the remote.
He jumped the gun.

He was supposed to give me the ring
later that night at the restaurant.

The waiter was gonna come by
and offer coffee.

I was gonna say, "No, thank you. It'll keep
me up, and lately I've been loving my dreams.

And there's one in particular
I hope comes true."

Manny gives me the ring. I say, "Gloria"-

Yes, Jay! Yes, I marry you!

I love my new story.

Little heads-up- there's no way
I'm not crying at this wedding.

Phil, you cried on the way here.

I was on the brink already.

I watched Dirty Dancing before we left.

I know.

Text from my dad. Oh, no.

He wants me to come visit him
for a couple of days...

but it's right in the middle
of our kid-free week.

Oh, that's too bad,
but I guess you could take two days, hmm?

I may have mentioned to Frank
that Phil might be available that week.

The only thing better
than a kid-free week...

is a couple of days carved out
just for Mama.

Perfect.

Yeah.

- Hey, you remember the day I proposed to you?
- Of course I do.

I don't remember the exact date, but yes.

March 19, 1994.

Oh, yeah.
I was in such a bad mood that afternoon.

I was on day two
of a St. Patrick's hangover.

- I don't remember that.
- Mmm.

I just remember how crazy in love I was.

- Mmm.
- I couldn't wait to ask you.

I even ran a red light
on the way to pick you up.

I still have the ticket.

No, you don't.
Why would you save something like that?

Are you kidding me?
I was racing to my life.

It's in a box at my dad's
with a bunch of other stuff-

The program from that concert
where I met you.

The matchbook
with the fake number on it you gave me.

The souvenir goblet from our first date.

You really think I'd throw away
all those beautiful memories, milady?

I haven't seen that stuff for a long time.

I gotta dig it out when I see my dad.

- Okay, stop. Sorry.
- What?

I told your dad to call you...

because I wanted some time for myself.

Yeah. Couple of days away from
my perfect, romantic husband...

who is far too good for this coldhearted,
bloodless wife-bot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You have blood.

Honey, I just put the chairs in front of
the fireplace. You made it romantic.

Mitchell's right. I'm a ghoul.

Come here.

You're romantic too,
in your own funny way.

- We're just different.
- Mmm.

So what if I'm more sentimental?

My mom.

I mean, sure, marriage needs romance.

You know what it also needs?

"Spoke to Phil, and he suggested"-

Forgiveness.

Okay. Spare, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Can't believe this has happened to us
so many times, we actually have a system.

Oh, I know. You've come a long way
from the first time you ever saw a jack.

- Remember, you couldn't believe-
- I'm sorry. This is amazing.

I am lifting a car right now.

I'm the strongest man in the world.

Oh. Do you remember that time in Yosemite
when it was snowing so bad?

Yeah. What was that, like, six years ago?

Oh, gosh, no. it was before Lily...

so it was at least seven or eight.

God, it is- it's going by so fast.

Yeah. You're telling me.

You know, it's a different world down there
than it was 24 hours ago.

Hmm.

Cam, tire. Tire!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

It's gonna be a different world
for the people in that yellow house.

This is not at all
how I saw the evening going.

Oh. Honey, you have no idea.

Do you remember our first apartment?

Yes. What- What made you think of that?

I don't know.

The stars.

All right. Come on. Let's do this.

Yeah.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Hey, there.
You with the stars on your thighs.

- Huh?
- It's an old song.

I thought I would- Ah, why do I bother?

- What is this?
- Oh, that's from Manny.

I was hoping to wait and give it to you
in a couple of days, but, uh-

Just remember that he's fine.

He's only a plane ride away.

Nice. I'm going to wash my face.

Okay.

I hope that my cousins don't take him
riding the horses or shooting the guns.

I know that he's almost a man, but-

- Jay?
- "Make sure you take care of Jay.

Please call me after his checkup
on Thursday.

I'll miss you guys so much."

- Nice, huh?
- Nice?

I'm gonna mail him his other robe.