Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Mistery Date - full transcript

And we have... lift-off.

Yello, house of the future.

Phil, you have two
whole days to yourself.

Please tell me you're not
gonna spend them

trying to wire the house
to your iPad.

Nope, 'cause I've already done it.

I think when you get home,
you're gonna be very surprised to see

that this house has an actual
functioning brain in it.

Great. Great.
Now go out and see some friends.

I'm headed out now.

I have a third showing
at that colonial.



Cam gave me
a free pass to his gym.

I am... not too bright.

I am... dim!

Honey, if you could hear yourself.

Promise me you'll go
outside and play.

Miss you, too.

Phil Dunphy,
this is the year 2025.

Welcome.

You're the first one here.

Shall we hit the waterslide first?

I may just sit
in the room for a bit.

Stop moping!

So you didn't get a date
to one stupid dance.

It's not one stupid dance.



It's the kickoff to
the whole dance season.

It's like you've never
heard boys talk.

We are here for
the academic challenge.

It's under "Dunphy."

Or it could be under
"returning champion."

Not sure how they file these things.

Alex wins things, which is great.

But she puts so much
pressure on herself.

I... I almost wish
she would lose this year.

Plus, that way,
I could go on the waterslide.

It's got a corkscrew,
2-second freefall,

and a radar gun at the bottom.

I'm Phil.

Nothing from the minibar,

- and no pay-per-view.
- Can we at least...

No, you may not send
things out for pressing.

Honey, we have an hour
until the competition.

Do you want to go
to the contestants mixer?

No, I don't want to humanize them.

Can you believe this
is my first bar mitzvah?

You'll love it. I heard
the gift bags have smartphones.

Jewish people are so awesome.

Oh, my God. Did you see that?

She smiled at me.

People get that way
in dance season.

No girl's ever smiled
at me like that.

Luke, we have to go
to that bar mitzvah.

- Why?
- There was a connection.

I know this sounds crazy,

but I feel like my whole life
has led to this moment.

You made a very similar speech to get
my mom to stop for those churros.

Luke, I need you for this.

You're sneakier than I am.

You're a bigger liar.

You have no moral compass.

Look, thanks for
all the compliments,

but breaking into one stupid party?

That's not even a challenge.

Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?

Now it's interesting.

- Cam, stop.
- What?

We have to get them out of there.

What's taking them?

We have the most amazing gift
for Jay and Gloria's nursery.

It was Cam's idea, and
it's a pretty big swing.

It's not a swing.
It's not a swing.

I just need Jay and Gloria out of
the house for a minimum of four hours

- so I can have my crew install it.
- Simple.

Please. If it were up to you,

we'd get them something
off their gift registry.

You mean the list of things that

they specifically said
that they wanted?

They don't know what they want.

...before I snap his finger off!

Ay, no.
Jay was supposed to cancel.

- We cannot go to lunch.
- No.

I am sorry, but he's supposed
to pick up the crib at the store,

and I am too tired.

The baby kicked me all night.

It's either going to be
a football player or a chorus girl.

You can be both.
My senior year,

I was a right-side linebacker

and a left-side cancan
dancer in "Gigi."

She really set you up
for that one, didn't she?

Yeah, when it came out of her mouth,
I nearly stopped breathing.

You didn't call them to cancel.

Sorry. You want gas money?

Don't pay attention to him.

He's been very grumpy lately.

Okay, here's a thought.

Mitchell, you go
to the crib store with Jay.

That way I can spend some
quality time with this pretty lady.

No, I'm going to lay down.

No, no, I'm gonna
take you both to lunch.

Okay? There, it's settled.

Now go put a lip on. Okay?

Fine.
I guess you won't get in the way.

You mean it, pa?

Really and for true?

I won't get in the way?

- That's a good idea.
- Yeah. The chairs are rocks.

Charlemagne.

You can get a 1-day cushion
for $8, or a 2-day for $12.

Alex Dunphy.

Last year, I got 2
1-dayers-big mistake.

Who wrote the 95 theses?

My daughter went on
to win the whole thing,

and all I could think was
"I just flushed $4 down the toilet."

John Calvin.

Alex!

I guess I just
didn't want to presume

that we would be here
for the two days.

But still, what kind of message
was I sending with the 1-dayer?

You "whoo'd" me?

What are you doing here?

I'm out.
I got the question wrong,

which is embarrassing enough
without you "whoo-ing" me!

Alex! Alex, come back here.

Don't!

Wait, what are the last
four numbers again?

1-9-8-4.

It's kind of a lucky number for me.

It's the year "Footloose" came out.

Yeah. And I really am gonna
call you for that rematch.

Anytime.

I mean, not super late, but...

- Wait, you're a bulldog?
- Yeah. You?

I knew there was something
about you I liked.

You mean besides me
letting you win?

You know, we have
a big game today.

- You wanna watch it together?
- Well...

Shoot.
I'm-- I'm late for a showing.

No pressure at all,
but if you feel like it,

we could watch it at my place.

I could text you the address.

All right. Well, thanks.
It was great meeting you, Phil.

You, too, Dave.

It's me.

Yeah, you were totally
right about this gym.

- I just met the cutest guy.
- What did I tell you?

That place is like
a gay bar with dumbbells.

Redundant.

Well, I don't know much about him,

but he invited me over to his place
to watch a football game tonight.

Oh, my gosh, a date.

I have a good feeling about this.

Well, don't start planning
the wedding yet.

I mean, I'm not even sure
if it's a date date.

You met him at hook-up central.

Of course it's a date date.

Am I even ready for a date date?

Tough love time, David,
Simon left you six months ago,

and you're bumming everyone out.

It's time to get back up
on that horse.

Hope to see you tonight, Dave.

I can't remember the last time
a man made that sound for me.

She's not here. We have
the wrong bar mitzvah.

Not if you like prime rib, bubbie.

You said to blend.

I picked up some expressions
at the latke station.

P.S. they're hash browns.

We're not blending.

She's at one of the other two.
Come on.

Sorry.

Such a hurry, this one.

Come on.

That's too cute.

What the hell is that?

That's the store mascot.
That's Hugga Bunny.

- He goes around and he hugs...
- No, I get it.

Nice for flu season.

He ought to be called
conjunctivitis bunny.

Okay.

So, dad, the cribs are over there,
but while we're here,

a little advice, you can never
have too many onesies. All right?

Any event, day or night.

Throw one on, little pair of booties,
boom-ready to go out.

Dress it up,
you could dress it down.

You could-- Dad?

Dad?

Something was clearly
going on with my dad,

but I wasn't about
to get sucked in.

It's happened before.

"Dad, you seem sad.
Do you wanna talk?"

"Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?"

To use a sports reference,
put the football away, Lucy.

I ain't kickin'.

So Saturday noon?

- Saturday noon's fine, Jay.
- Yeah.

Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag.

Fun fact... this insulated pouch
will keep a bottle of

prosecco cold for
an entire Wiggles concert.

- Mitch, it's doctor...
- Bob Jensen.

Nice to meet you.

- Jay, I will see you.
- Yeah, I'll see you then.

Good, Bob.

Doctor? Sweater vest?
My dad acting all shifty?

He was seeing a shrink.

"Dad, I can see that you're
going through something."

"And I can see your bra strap, Oprah.
Mind your own business."

Tee up the football
all you want, Lucy.

Still ain't kickin'.

She clearly misheard the question.

The acoustics in here are terrible.

Especially for a little girl just
getting over an ear infection.

- Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- I was explaining your--

I heard, because my ears are fine.

I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.

- I'm trying to help you.
- You were not.

You were trying to help you.

You're just mad
because now you can't

parade me around
like some show pony.

- That is not true.
- Don't deny it.

You bought the 2-day cushion.

Who are you to judge?

Thank you for a fun day, okay?

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye?

Cam, sorry,
but the lunch was two hours,

and then you had to show me
your first apartment.

Could you believe
how I used to live?

I really need to take a nap now.

No. No, no. No. No. No, no.

You know what? I have,
something I want you to do

that's even more
relaxing than a nap.

No. I want to take a nap.

- There's my man.
- That's me. Your man.

I brought spinach dip.
I don't know why.

I'll tell you why.
'Cause it's delicious,

and you're an awesome guest.
Get in here.

- All right.
- How are you?

- Good. You?
- Good.

By the way, I left a message
for my brother-in-law

and his partner to join us, too.

More people. Good.

- Nice house, by the way.
- Thanks.

Wait a minute.
Is that your family?

Are you married?

Yeah, but don't worry.
We have the house to ourselves.

They're all out of town.

I am long overdue
for a boys' night.

So your wife is okay with--

Oh yeah. She suggested it.

She knows I need this
every so often.

Long as I clean up
afterwards, she's fine.

You ready for a margarita?

Sure.

Soothing, right?

You see, as the music
relaxes the baby, you relax.

No, you're making the baby
jump on my bladder.

How can it relax listening
to a song about a hooker?

She's not a hooker,
she's a private dancer.

A dancer for money.
She'll do what you want her to--

Oh, my gosh,
I taught Lily this song.

Excuse me. Hello?

He's married.
To a woman.

Yeah, she's out of town.

I don't know. They must have some
sort of arrangement or something.

So what? If they know
about it, who cares?

You're not ready
for a relationship anyway.

Just have some fun.

It feels weird.

He has other people coming over.

I think I'm gonna bail on this.

He's just feeling you out
like you're feeling him out.

I promise you, these other
guests will mysteriously cancel.

Hold on just a second, sweetie.

- Hello?
- You guys still coming?

I forgot to call you.
We have to cancel.

No problem. Bye.

More margaritas for us.
The other guys just cancelled.

Are you still there?

You were right.
The other guys just cancelled.

See? Now listen to me.

You're gonna have two margaritas.

Maybe start a third.

Laugh at his jokes.

But not in that high falsetto thing.

Something more manly.
Let's practice.

I'm not gonna laugh for you.

You can be very controlling,
you know that?

Why does everybody
say I'm controlling?

Gotta go.

Looks like this kennel
is for bulldogs only.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I'm great.
- Oh, good.

Listen, I-I don't want this
to sound weird, but, um...

But you and I, tonight...

Is this, uh...

Sorry, Dave, what was that?

Nothing.

Here you go.

For a small fee, we can come
to your house and assemble it for you.

Yeah, my dad's more
of a do-it-yourself-er,

plus he's not one for strangers
in his personal space.

All right.

Well, can I help you
carry it to your car?

Yeah, he's not gonna go
for that, either.

The guy won't even use
the wheels on his suitcase.

Likes everyone to think
he's this big, tough guy who-

Okay.

There he is. All right.
Let's get this done.

- Dad, you know--
- No,

we don't need any help, Mitchell.
Just pick up your end.

- Dad, stop, stop, stop.
- What? A break already?

Dad, you're obviously
going through something.

Look, you do not have
to go through this alone.

I'm here to talk if you want.

That's really nice of you, Mitchell,

but do you wanna do it here?

'Cause I saw a little princess
table with a tea set on it.

You and I could have
a real gab fest.

I'm such a blockhead.

Can't we just get
this into the car?

Why? So you're not late
for your shrink session?

- What?
- Yeah. I picked up on that.

Bunny hugger!

Saw that, too.

Mobile spinner.

I swear to God...

What are you doing back here?!

I didn't have the room key, and
I don't want to be seen in public.

I thought about
what you said before...

When did China's last emperor
ascend the throne?

1909.

And you can say a lot
of things about me,

but I am not someone
who lives through her kids.

Sorry. It's 1909.

Do I like to see you succeed?
Of course I do!

- Tritium is an isotope of what element?
- Hydrogen.

But do I need that to make
myself feel important?

Absolutely not.

No, the answer is hydrogen.

As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt
you would think I was so shallow.

The persian satrapy of Skudra
included which two areas?

Macedonia and Thrace.

I know moms like that,
and that is not me.

No way.

Macedonia and Thrace.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Macedonia and Thrace?
What even is that?!

You're hardly even listening!

How could we lose this?!

- I said "we."
- Yeah. You do that sometimes.

I'm so sorry.

I am one of those moms.

I like it too much when you win.

I really love lording it
over the other moms.

Well, in our house, I'm kind
of your only source for that.

You're telling me.

Haley e-mails me
pictures of her nails.

And Luke asked me if he's part owl.

He does get his head
pretty far around.

Alex, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Maybe you do put pressure on me,

but it's nothing compared
to what I put on myself.

I guess I needed somebody
to blame for what happened today,

and there you were.

You know I'm in awe of you, right?

Come on. I know a back way
out of this place.

Wait. Don't you have to return that?

No way. I paid good money for this.

- We're taking it down the waterslide.
- Okay.

How can she not be here, either?

This is hopeless.

Have a little faith.

Did the Jews give up
when the Egyptians

chased them to the banks
of the red sea?

How do you know all this stuff?

Was I the only one listening
to Uncle Menachem's toast?

Well, I'm glad it worked out
for the ancient Jews,

but at the moment I don't
see God doing me any...

Look!

I'm not gonna embarrass you,

but you got one minute
to get out of here.

You, too.

It's for the best.

All this sneaking around
was kind of weighing on me.

Let's just grab
our gift bags and go.

No. I still have 50 seconds.

Excuse me.

My name is Manny Delgado,
and I've been searching for you

since you smiled at me
in the lobby today,

maybe even my whole life.

It's too late for us to have
the magical night I was hoping for,

but it's not too late
for us to have a memento

of what might have been.

I'll be waiting.

- Okay, Mitch.
- Too late. Not interested.

Now listen.

Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna go out the back.

Door, sunroof, all on lockdown.

Okay, look, that guy you met today

he is a shrink.

But I don't see him all the time.

You mom and I saw him
a little before the divorce.

But every now and then,
something comes up for me,

and I go in for a tune-up.

If you're waiting for me to ask
what's going on with you,

you just better keep waiting, 'cause

I learned my lesson.

I'm down about something.
Something I knew was coming,

and now it's finally happening.

We're turning my office
into the nursery today.

You've been moping around like
you lost your platoon over a room?

Not just a room.

It's the only place in this house

where I can still close the door

and read a book or have a drink.

Everything in there was mine.

Who cares? Everybody's
got their problems.

No.

You know, I can still open my door.

You just locked yourself back in.

Look, dad, I...

I had to give up my home office
for Lily's bedroom,

and I was upset about it, too.

- Snwa't hugging bunnies, but...
- All right.

I- I realize that it wasn't
about an office or a room.

It was about how Lily
was gonna change everything.

But once we got her
in there, I don't know.

I-I just- I never looked back.

Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous
about everything, you know.

Thanks, kid.

You know, I'm just recalling
me grumbling about

giving up my MG Roadster
when you and Claire came along.

Great car.

No backseat.

Isn't it funny? The stupid
things that we think...

She was my baby.

...are so important.

I guess all told,
we had about 50 chickens.

Maybe 115 head of hogs.

Let's see, 55 cattle.

You know what'll be fun?

Let's see if I can remember
all their names.

There was... Albert,
Lisa, Steph, and Mike

Gloria! No, Gloria! Gloria!

No. I do not want
to hear one more story.

I am going to take a nap now.

Okay, yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.

This day's about you.

- Just one more thing
- No, no one more thing!

I just wanted to take
a picture, you know,

to commemorate our special day.

Okay, fine! Take the picture!

No, not here. The lighting's terrible.

I was thinking we could take it...
in your new nursery!

No, Cam. No.

But, Gloria, come.

Somebody has to tell you this. No.

You try to control everything.

You take over people's lives!

It's always too much with you!

You know, maybe we should talk
about this out in the hallway.

Why, because there's gonna be
better lighting over there?

You're doing it again, Cam.

You're doing it again!

You're right.
I am too much.

I do control. I do barge.

I'll have my friend Abelard
come back and paint over it.

So this is why you
kept me outside all day?

So that your friend Aburar
could come and paint a present?

Yeah, rather than getting you a gift
off your registry like a normal person.

- I'm so stupid.
- I love it!

You do?

It's just like you, full of color...

And life... and love.

I really did think you'd love it.

What's going on up here?

What the...

Okay, that was not my idea.
I told Cam-

I told him that's a lot
to put on someone's wall.

Hold on.

- I like it.
- Really?

- Thanks, Cam.
- You actually...

Makes it easier
to give up the room.

That's close.

Guy was an inch out of bounds.

Time-out.

You know what?

I'm not gonna be able to relax
until I get this out of the way.

Dishwasher.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah. It is.

Do you think...

- Mind if I freshen this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allow me.

Your hand's shaking.

Remember, Dave, it's just a game.

- Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- My gosh.

- Come here.
- It's all right.

- I'm- I'm just a little wet.
- No, you're drenched.

You can't sit in that.
You know what?

Take that off.
I'll throw 'em both in the dryer

and get us a couple of clean ones.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess this is
something we're doing.

Interception!

Interception!

- Come on, buddy!
- Come on!

- Come on!
- Come on, buddy!

- Touchdown!
- Yeah!

How exciting is this?!

It's been so long.

- What's happening?
- Nothing.

My car keys.

Shoot. The TV went off.

Must have screwed something up.

You know what? It doesn't matter.
There's another one upstairs.

How about we head up to the bedroom
for some halftime festivities?

- Okay.
- Let's do this.

I'd forgotten how much fun
this can be.

We should make this
a regular thing.

Phil, Phil, wait.

- I think I'd better just head home.
- What?

I'm just coming out of
a long-term relationship,

and I guess
I'm still pretty fragile.

It's not that I haven't had
a- a great time.

Not at all. I get it.

I've spent a few nights
in heartbreak hotel.

If there's anything I can do...

You've already done
more than you know.