Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Butler's Escape - full transcript

Phil is upset that Luke wants to give up magic, Jay tries to get away from Gloria's snoring, Mitchell does errands as Cameron starts his new job as music teacher, and Alex suddenly becomes more sarcastic.

Is everybody OK?

I'm fine.

Thanks for waiting.

What was that?

Water heater, gas line, the train.
It's the same, people.

Just stay low and move out!

Honey, Luke's gone.

Claire, spontaneous human
combustion is very rare.

I don't think he exploded, Phil.

The rope ladder works.
At least someone followed protocol.

Oh! Oh, it's there!

Smoke is coming out of
Luke's stupid suitcase.

Like his old man,
Luke is a magician.

I'm taking lessons from some guy
my dad found online.

He came personally recommended
from the guy who runs

the warlock conference
up in Modesto.

Ocupado, big guy.

Find another foxhole.

This is how we learn to sing.

Who can go up here with me?

Cam took a job teaching music
at the local middle school.

Yeah, his first day is tomorrow.

I'm excited for me,

but I'm probably
more excited for the students

because a great teacher is a gift.

Hasn't started yet.

I have to tip my hat to my
High School music teacher...

A real force of nature
who was also

the defensive coordinator
for the football team

and supervised calf birthing
for the animal husbandry club.

Doris Olson.
Great lady.


This is how... we learn to sing

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you.

It's one night.

No, I don't want
to be without you,

not even one night
in my whole life.

What can I make you?

How about a little room
on my side of the bed?

I mean, I shouldn't complain.
My wife's a knockout. But...

She's at that place
in her pregnancy

where, she's, you know... ample.

And the snoring.

I swear in the last ultrasound,
the baby was like this...

So I should be home
about noon tomorrow.

Who drank all the coffee?

Oh, I, uh, I had
quite a bit of that.

You know, I haven't, um,
been sleeping too well.

There's actually a funny story
about what's causing that.

Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes
your body is going through,

and that nasal stuffiness
is very common during pregnancy,

but we got a crisis in this house.

You've been snoring.
But I got you these nasal strips.

In the commercial,

the old man's angry red
sound waves turn a gentle blue.

- So I'm like an old man?
- No!

Like a dog then? A pig?

What is it, Manny?
I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig?

Jay, help me out here.
You've heard it.

I don't know what
the boy's talking about.

If this is a glimpse of teenage
Manny, I don't love it.

Have a little respect
for your beautiful mother.

Thank you, Jay.

You're right. Sorry, mom.

And, Jay,

have a great trip
to San Francisco.

Okay, Lily's drop-off time
is between 8:45 and 8:50,

so you should be fine
to get to work by 9.

Here is her checklist
for her backpack.

Uh, wow.

Oh, I have this
whole thing planned.

Okay, I'm gonna walk in,
take off my jacket,

and say, "here comes treble."

Big swing on the first day.

Please don't tamp down
my enthusiasm.

Okay, what else?

Oh! The dimmer came in
for the switch,

so I want you to call
the electrician, but not Brad.

Remember? We had a problem
with him last time about the billing.

He wanted his name
above the title?

Yes, you've done that joke before.
So cute. So funny.

What else? Oh!

Lily needs to get a present
for Gio's birthday party.

And don't be thrown
by the invitation.

It is a pirates party,
not a pilates party.

Now sit.
I wanna talk juice boxes.

Cam. Cam, I know
what's happening here.

You're feeling very anxious
about your first day at work,

and you're focusing that
anxiety on my day with Lily.

Really? Are you sure I'm not

completely confident
about my first day

because it's gonna be a home run,

and I am worried about you
because you're taking on

a little bit more
of the Lily load?

Don't be scared, sweetie.

She's not scared!
Wh-wh-what are you doing?

- Just call me if you need me.
- I won't!

And thank you for managing
my expectations today.

- Not necessary.
- I saw you practicing a bow last night.

That was just in fun.

You know, I highly doubt
some teenagers are gonna

throw rose petals at my feet.


But I wouldn't be surprised

if I got slow-clapped out
of my first class.


I am thinking.

If you were thinking,

you wouldn't have Seattle
as the capital of Washington.

Oh. Yeah.

It's Spokane.

Sure, which makes the 11th
President of the United States

"James K. Pslk."

Okay, Alex, stop.
I'm trying to figure this out.

Buzz. Time's up, dummy.
It's Olympia.

Make sure you sound out
the big scary words.

Mom, something's on my mind,
and it's really bothering me.

Yeah, it's really bothering me, too,

but I think it's gonna be rich,
so we better be nice to it.

I wanna quit magic.


I'm not really interested anymore,

but I don't think dad's
gonna be happy.

Oh, sweetheart. Don't worry
about disappointing your father.

He only wants you
to do it if you wanna do it.

Tell you what.
I will talk to dad--

Whoa! Talk to dad?
That sounds serious.

Don't do drugs.

Stay in school.

Luke wants to quit magic.

That's not happening.

Well, see you guys at dinner.

Sweetheart, don't you even
want to talk about this?

What's to talk about?
The kid's a natural.

He has everything--
the hands, the patter, the outfits.

Okay, let's play this out.

Even if he is one in a million,

what's our best case scenario here?

He becomes, what...

- A professional magician!
- A professional magician?

Honey, the boy has a gift.

You wanna just throw that away?

I don't think it's about
throwing it away.

I think it's about
you pushing him--

Don't I get a say in any of this?

I'm sorry I don't like magic
as much as you, but I don't.

This isn't about magic.

No, it's about my life
and you controlling it.

Look, you made a commitment.
You will honor that commitment.

Ugh! I hate it here!


All right, young ladies
and gentlemen,

if I can have
your attention, please.

Let's settle down

and let's say a temporary
good-bye to your neighbor

and to life as you know it,
because here comes treble.

That's right, my friends,
we got treble,

right here at Franklin Middle.

I'm Cameron T.,
and that rhymes with "g,"

and that stands for "good morning"!

Huh? Yes! Love the enthusiasm.
Go ahead. First question.

When's Mr. Namagachi
coming back?

Okay, Mr. namagachi
isn't coming back,

but there is somebody that
I'd like to introduce you to.

Don't know that you properly met.

She's a good friend of mine,

and she goes
by the name of "music."

And sometimes my friend music
can be shy.

Sometimes she can be angry!

Sometimes she can be playful.

And sometimes
she can be downright a-funky!

Train wreck.

There's no way
he ran this past Mitchell.

Daddy always parks
in the back of the school.

I know, sweetie, but, uh,

- those spots were all taken.
- Because we're late?

No, we're, like, a minute late,
and that's 'cause of traffic.

And because I tipped over

you didn't snap my car seat right.

Okay, well, it certainly
didn't hurt your memory any.

All right, here's your lunch.

You spilled it!

Oh! Why is the top open?

Daddy always zips it for me.

Maybe you should zip it.

I heard that.

So with just a few
more minutes left--

- Mr. Namagachi--
- Used to work here,

but he got fired, okay?

So now let's form an orchestra

made up of
my favorite instruments--

your beautiful bodies.

Gettin' creepy.

Okay, so you guys are gonna be
my, uh, table slappers.

You're my bass line.

Okay, and you're gonna be
mouth trumpeters in the back

with the melody.

Okay, now let's
bring it all together.

One, two, three.

The bass line is a little--
a little softer.

Okay, louder with
the mouth trumpets.

Okay. Great.
Well, thank you so much.

And, um, I thought
it was a great first day.

And I love
the give-and-take, everyone.

And, um...

Hey, dad. How's Frisco?

My meetings ended early.

I didn't even have
to spend the night.

And don't say "Frisco."

They hate it
when you call it "frisco."

How do you know what they hate?

You've been there
two times in your life.

Anyway, I haven't slept in a week.

Gloria's snoring
like a water buffalo.

Aw. Well, she's pregnant.
It's uncomfortable.

What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30?

We're not doing this again.
How do I bring it up?

Well, for starters, you don't.

You suck it up.

Dad, your hot wife

who was learning to walk
when you were 30 years old,

is pregnant with
a baby you conceived

doing something
most men would kill to do.

- I'm just so tired.
- It's a small sacrifice

compared to what
she's going through.

Poor thing, what with the extra...
30? 35? 40? 45?

We're done.

All right, here we go.
How's this?

That's not the kind we get.


Hello? Hey, Cam.

Just checking in on me again?

Yeah. Just wanted
to see if you got Lily.

Yeah, we're--we're just--
we're at the grocery store,

having a great time.

Oh. Yeah.
Any questions about the...

About the grocery list?

No, we're just
picking up the granola.

So how was it?
How was the big debut?

Was it a comfortable ride
around the schoolyard

on the shoulders of the children?

Well, I stood and delivered.

Thank you for sarcastically asking.


Okay, did you call the electrician
about the dimmer?

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm on the other line
with him right now.

Oh, well, I should
probably let you go.

Keep your eye on Lily.
She has a tendency to wander off.

Cam... uh, wh-wh--I'm--
I'm totally capable of...

- You lost her, didn't you?
- No. No, no, no, no.

No, she is right next to me.
Hi, honey.

I can hear it in your voice.
Look in the dairy case.

Cam, do you honestly think
that I would lose...

The doors don't pull.
They slide.

You never saw me.

Thank you very much.


Look, um, I thought about it,

and if you really want to,
you can quit magic.

You just have
to do one thing first--

execute the Butler's escape.

It goes without saying
that the Butler's escape

is one of the most challenging
feats of escapology

an illusionist can perform.

It's-- it's based, of course,
on the well-known story

of the Earl of Flanning's
manservant Percy,

who was imprisoned
in the Tower of London,

and as we all know,
refused to take off his uniform

when he was shackled.

Famously, as the, uh,
tower guard Gert slept,

Percy freed himself and
leapt over the sleeping guard,

giving rise to
the popular expression...

"Percy jumped the Gert."

Why are you making me
do this stupid trick?

I think you're quitting...

because magic's getting hard,

and that's not a good reason
for quitting anything.


if you can do this,

then I'll know that
you genuinely don't like it,

and you'll have my blessing
to pursue other interests.

No strings attached.

Sorry, buddy.

- Ow!
- I'm so sorry.

You're kidding, right?

You cannot really be
enjoying that stupid show.

I was changing channels.

God. Why are you so mean lately?

Is something wrong with you?

Is it that obvious?

Oh, my gosh. Come on.
You can talk to me.

- Well...
- Mm-hmm?

- There's this girl at school, and...
- Mm-hmm.

She got pregnant.


I know.
I've been trying to help her,

but with all the pills she's taking,
she kinda lashes out.

Oh, honey, this is too much
for you to take on alone.

- Where are the parents?
- They're no help.

Dad's all consumed with
his plastic surgery business,

and her mom's an ex-model
who's trying to launch a music career.

You're describing the show
I was just watching, right?

I'm just saying,
mix in a book every now and then.

Mean! Mean!

Try to see this
from my perspective.

I can't.

I'm not raising a quitter.

Trust me.
I know what's best for you.

And watch your time.
In the stage version,

the rope's on fire, and
you're suspended over a bed of nails.

I hate this!
Why are you making me do this?

Use that anger, Lukini.

Let it be the key that
opens the vault of fear...

that holds the chalice of hope

that contains
the elixir of success.

In a few short minutes...

Son of Alkazeel!
You've done it!

I quit.

So how was your first day?
Tell me everything.

Well, you know,
it was a lovefest.

And the kids-- they were,
you know, and...

Is that a roast?

W-- yes. Yes. But I'm surprised
you could smell it over the

no-dairy yellow pepper bisque
with cheesy croutons.

Oh, wow. You had time
to do a roast and soup.

- Hi, daddy!
- Hi, angel!

How are you?
Did you miss daddy?

Wow. Bathed and braided.

Yeah. Let me just put you
in a more flattering light here.

- The dimmer.
- Mm-hmm.

Who'd you call?

I called myself 'cause I did it.

Yeah, I had time after
picking up Gio's present,

so, uh...
Go show daddy what it is.

Okay. Yeah.

It sounds like you had a
pretty successful day yourself.

Well, it's just a matter
of being organized.

But who am I telling, huh?

You do this sort
of stuff every day.

Oh, blow on that.

So tell me more about the kids.

Well, it was as I predicted,
you know.

They just needed somebody
to come in there

and bring music back to life.

And, you know, that person was...

That person was...

It's not me!

What's happening?

It was a disaster, Mitchell.

They hated me!
Not just the kids, the teachers.

They wouldn't sit with me at lunch.
I had to sit alone.

Oh, honey.

And my sweater--
the shop teacher spilled juice on it.

He said it was an accident,
but it wasn't an accident.

- It's okay.
- It's not okay!

I failed miserably.

And look at you.
You did everything so perfectly.

Well, yes.

And-- and-- and no.

Look, look, I... I gotta tell ya.

Uh... I've just been watching

how you've done things
all these years,

and I just perfected it.

- Oh, please, Mitchell!
- Claire...

Cam, he was every bit
the failure you were.

He was late picking up Lily.
She was in with the custodians.

The only thing he had less
to do with than dinner

was the dimmer.

And her hair was in braids
because there was gum in it.

And... why are we hugging?

Because I know
if he called you for help

and heard as many insults
as I know he had to hear,

then he had
a worse day than me.

Oh, she was horrible, Cam.

- Oh! You know what? It's gonna get better.
- No, I know.

We just need some time
to settle into these new roles.

You were right
to lower my expectations.

I just wish I had lowered mine.

This gonna work its way around
to a "thank you," ladies?

Hey, honey.

Surprise! I'm in San Francisco!


I dropped Manny at a friend's and,
I know it's crazy,

but I hopped
on a plane and I'm here!

I'm driving to the hotel.

That is so great.

The thing is, honey,
I'm not here right now.

See, I'm, uh, I'm out at dinner.

Probably won't be back for, um...

Oh, I don't know.
A couple of hours.

It's okay.
I'll wait for you there.

Don't be silly. How often
do you get to San Francisco?

There's so much to see there.

I mean, here.

Ghirardelli square?
Fisherman's wharf?

Hey, take that segway tour.

That's a great way
to see the city.

And when you get the chowder,

make sure it's one
of those bread bowls.

You can eat the bowl.

Yeah, it's a story
you'll tell for a lifetime.

You know what?
Later on...

Maybe we can watch some
of your Lance Burton DVDs.

Thanks. I think I just
wanna try this escape.

Would you mind tightening my arms?

Oh. Sure. Here.

- It's just hard, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

It's the first time he hasn't
shared one of my interests.

It's scary to think that this is
the start of us growing apart.

Oh, honey,
it's probably just a phase.

Alex is going through
something right now.

I wish I could figure that out.

- I can't breathe.
- Anxiety.

No, no, I'm--
I'm fighting the jacket.

The key to this escape is balance.

The whole thing is based
on the idea of opposing forces

holding each other in check.

That actually makes some sense.

Some sense?

There are two things
I know with dead certainty--

how to shoulder roll
out of a human pyramid,

and the black arts
of the Butler's escape.

No, honey, our house
is out of balance

because Alex is missing
her opposing force.

Mm? Yeah.

Oh. Y-you're missing out.

Some people describe
this escape as visual poetry.


Oh, no.


You told me that
you were in Frisco,

and you were here in a hotel?

Let me just say one thing.

Don't say "Frisco."
They hate that.

And how the hell
did you find me?

The house has been
a little noisy lately,

and the school library
is a pickup scene.

So where does a kid go
for some peace and quiet?

Tell me right now
if you're having an affair,

and we will find some time
later for me to kill you.

No. I'm just trying to have
one night away from your snoring.

You came to a hotel to sleep?

I'm exhausted, and I didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

but you're huge and you're loud.

It's like sleeping
with Rush Limbaugh.

And I didn't want to bring it up
because I figured

you'd get mad at me the way
you got mad at Manny.

I am not mad at you because
you told me that I snore.

I am mad at you because
you didn't say anything.

'Cause I didn't want
to get yelled at.

Well, too bad.

When you're married to me,

you're going to get
yelled at many times.

And you're tough
enough to take it.

That's what I love
about our marriage.

We can say whatever we want,

but the next day,
we're still there.

That's what I like about it, too.

Ah. What am I gonna say
you couldn't forgive me?

There are things, Jay.

You ready to go?

I was thinking,
it's such a shame

that this hotel room
is going to go to waste.

I like where this is headed.

Make Manny some pasta.
I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?

Hey, dad.

Hey, buddy.

Look, I-I'm sorry if I--

No, no, no, no.
Don't apologize.

There's still plenty of stuff
we can do together.

So if you want out,

you are... out!

Uh, I know we bought
a lot of magic stuff,

but we can return some of it--

Merlin's hat, the gloves,
most of the capes.

What about Houdini's wands?

Uh... they kinda got broken.

All three? What happened?
I got you carbon fiber.

Some kids were messing around
with them at school.

What do you mean?
What-- what were they doing?

I don't really want
to talk about it.

You know, I went through that,

kids-- kids messing with my stuff.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. In High School,

when I first got nominated
for junior tumbling congress,

my parents had to sign a...

Anyway, my buddy Dizzy Brindizzi

saw it, grabbed it,
and made a lot of fun of me.

I thought about not going.

But you did.

Oh, yeah. Had a blast.

Made a lot of friends,

shared milkshakes with more
than one female tumbler.

The minute I stopped caring
what other people thought

and started doing what
I wanted to do, is the minute

I finally felt... free!


You're gonna make your own choices,

and whatever you decide,
I'll always support you.

You're not just saying all this
'cause you're stuck, right?

Nothing you decide
will ever disappoint me.

Thanks, dad.

Relax your arms,

roll your shoulders forward,

bend down your head,


and then arch.

- Uh...
- It sorta worked.

Well, honey, I just wanted
to check in and say hi.

Alex, come say hi to your sister!

I love you so much.

What's up, lady?

Oh, my God. You did not just say,
"what's up, lady?"

What's wrong with you?

I was just saying hello--

Oh, it's like the lamest thing
you've ever said.

And what is that shirt?
What are you, a flapper?

I just bought it
at that store that you--

Oh, where? Forever 1921?

And what is going on
with your hair?

What's wrong with my hair?

Oh, you should just dip
yourself in boy repellent.

Shut up! Mom!

And balance...

is restored.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg