Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - My Hero - full transcript

Cam is jealous of Mitchell's ex-boyfriend, Claire tries to avoid her dad's job offer, Manny has to write an essay about his hero, Phil tries to teach Gloria to skate, and Hayley tries to help Alex flirt with boys.


Oh, great. We've got the Prius
that can make dinner reservations,

buy movie tickets, tell us the weather...
I just want one that opens.

Maybe we should
have gotten that one.

Mitchell?

Oh. Oh my God, Teddy!
Cam, this is Teddy.

Teddy. Teddy-Teddy?

Doc--doctor Teddy!

Teddy was Mitch's one significant
boyfriend before me.

Uh, Mitch had recently
just come out.

And as he put it,

it was hard to love someone else

if he couldn't love himself.

I actually said those words?

Ugh. It's kind of hard
to love myself right now.

You were the one who said,
"I need some time.

I'll call you when I heal more."

Ten years later...

Ohh! I never said that.

Time to heal more!
That's so sweet and sensitive.

Why did you kill
that part of yourself?

You know, I'm hosting a fund-raiser

for the hospital this weekend

at that roller rink on South main.

Any chance you guys can come?

- Yeah. Absolutely, we'll be there.
- Possibly. Okay.

Great. So 4:00 Saturday.

I'm so glad I bumped into y'all.

Us, too. Say bye, Lily!

Bye, Lily.

I taught her that, so...

- Bye, Lily. Bye.
- Bye, Teddy.

Oh, my gosh, he's great!

You're okay making plans
with my ex-boyfriend?

Um, yes.
It's been a hundred years.

Plus, this is one of the many
benefits of being gay.

We can be friends with our exes

without all the petty jealousy
straight people go through.

Well, I guess I am friends
with Pepper, so...

I went on one date with Pepper.
One.

When are you gonna
stop bringing it up?

When you stop reacting like that.

Daddy loves Pepper.

I taught her that.

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That's private.

Oh, sorry. But why do you have
all of our names down on a list?

It's for my school essay--
Pick a hero in your family

and write about why
you've chosen him or her.

You're still in the running,

but I'm not loving
that you're drinking wine

while watching my brother.

Well, it was from an open bottle
of white in your fridge, so...

It's about judgment, Claire.

It's not the '70s.
We know better.

There was lipstick on the bottle.

There are my babies!

- How was dinner?
- Perfect.

I had a steak,
I had some ice cream,

Gloria found a hair in her fish,

and it didn't cost us a penny!

It might have been my own hair,

but Jay was so happy
that I didn't say anything.

What?

- Mm-hmm.
- Honey, you got a second before you go?

I wanna talk to you
about something.

All right.
Why is she smiling at me like that?

It's good news.

Okay.

You remember Bob from my office?

Yeah, Uncle Bob.
The one who did the trick

where he pulled
a quarter out of my ear.

He learned another trick.

He pulled 50 grand
out of our pension fund.

- Oh.
- I fired him.

But the worst part is,

I was grooming him
to take over the company.

But there's an upside.

He wants you to work for him.

I know it's just a job right now,

but you know that he has
this thing going on in his chest,

so you never know where
you're going to end up, Claire.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Gloria. Gloria, it's a cold.

- Anyway, look.
- Mm-hmm.

I know you've been wanting
to get back out there,

and I always kind of thought
that if you did go back to work,

you'd come back
to work with me.

I-I worked there for
half a summer 20 years ago.

And it-- it was terrific, honey.

Listen, obviously,
we'll start you out slow.

We'll give you time to
re-learn about the place,

and then maybe move you up.
You know, you do know a guy.

He means him!

It's a wonderful opportunity, dad.
Thanks.

- Could I--could I think about it,
talk to Phil? - Oh, sure.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- All right. All right. All right.

- Where's my boy? Give me my boy.
- Here's your man.

Here's your little man.
Oh, love him.

What did I say about these
flowered blankets for him?

- Ay.
- Huh?

He's starting to take after
Hugh hef-nerd over there.

Very amusing, Jay.

Let me just get
your name down here.

Another brochure
from a community college.

You know, I bet mom
is having them send these.

Really? You don't think
they've targeted you

as a must-have recruit?

At least this one doesn't have
that fakey lunchtime shot

of the black guy,
Asian girl, and an Indian--

Oh, wait! There it is.

Wow, that wheelchair kid
is really cracking everybody up.

Girls, your mom's on
her way home with dinner!

I never got this.

If he sees it,
we'll have to talk about it.

What?

What what?

If grandpa calls, I'm not home.

What happened?

He wants me to work for him.

Like, groom me to
take over or something.

I don't know how I'm gonna say no.

Why would you say no?

I thought you were
looking for something.

We could use the money, too,

especially if Haley decides
to go back to school.

Oh, is she still throwing out
those college brochures?

Just tossed one now.

Who does she think
empties the trash?

You know what really sucks?
That job could be great.

But my dad is a terrible boss.
He is so mean.

"Princess, coffeepot's
not gonna wash itself."

That's where you got that?

I said it to you one time.

Well, you just gotta tell him
straight up, man to man.

Woman to man.
You're very shapely.

I know. I will.

It's just I hate it so much.

The-- the four big times
that I disappointed him,

it devastated me.

I mean, the first time,
I cut off all my hair.

I went to college out of state.

I crashed his vintage
jag into a wall.

That's only three.

Kids, dinner!

Oh, loving this already.

If no one gets a concussion,
we're totally coming back.

So listen, if at any point
you're not okay

with seeing me
and Teddy together,

just please let me know,
and we can go.

Oh, well, thank you.
And if at any point

you're not okay with me
being so okay with it,

you let me know.

Teddy! Teddy! Hey!

- Ah, hey!
- Hey!

Aw, look at you!

This shirt is fantastic.
You're adorable.

You're adorable!

Oh, I think somebody has a crush!

Thank you so much for having us.

I don't know which one
of my girls is more excited.

Okay. Come on,
let's get you some skates.

I want Teddy to come.

Oh, honey, I-I'm sure
Teddy has other things--

No, no! You guys go! Catch up.

I'll lace up.
Okay.

Okay, ready?

- Have fun, okay!
- Hey, Uncle Cam!

Oh, my gosh! Hey!
What's--what's going on?

What--what are you
guys doing here?

- Teddy invited us.
- You guys know Teddy.

- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, Teddy's great.

Heads up, amateurs!

It's time to rock 'n' roll!
Do you get it?

Cam, what are you doing here?

- Um...
- Oh, hell, it's dad.

Whose dad? Not your dad.

I have been avoiding
his calls all day.

Quick, Phil, slingshot me.
All right.

Oh. Limbo skate, kids.

How low can you go?

I'm at a roller rink
with my family

on a Saturday night.
I win.

I have got to get a photo of Lily.

Teddy's making her giggle so hard.

Oh, well, everybody loves...
Teddy, so...

But you'll let me know
if you're not okay.

Mitchell, do you know
your entire family's here,

invited by your ex-boyfriend?

Phil and Claire,
Jay and Gloria,

your cousin Pete.

Hey!

C--it's a-- it's a fund-raiser, all right?

I'm sure he just invited
everyone on his contact list.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Yes, of course it does.

And... I'm flattered.

Why are you flattered?

- You know.
- I don't.

You do!

I really don't!

Gloria, throw on those skates
and take a whirl with me.

Oh, I totally would,

but I'm taking care of Lily
and she doesn't want to.

- Oh.
- Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
You told me before.

You don't remember?
Why would I lie?

Gloria.

You don't know how to roller-skate.

Of course I do.
I know how to do everything.

I can't lie to that face.

It's a good thing
that we're not married.

Well, I don't...

I can't skate.
I am an elegant woman.

That means that I never do

the few things that
I don't really do that good.

But I'm a natural teacher.

But I'm going to look stupid.

Gloria...

Trust me.

As long as you're standing next to me,

you will not look stupid.

Oh, thank God!
There is no place to sit.

Always room at my table
for my darling nieces.

Uhh... you beat us to it.

We were gonna ask
this kid if we could share.

Well, he was just leaving.

Yeah, you can totally sit with us.

You know, I debated
even putting you two on here.

Whoa, fancy.

Yeah, I know.
Well, I did used to work here.

W-w-wait.
You're the Claire from the bathroom?

Oh, is it still here?

Y-yeah... oh...

Oh! Hey!
Look at you two catching up

- after all these years.
- Well, it hasn't been that long.

It's been like a month
since you came by

- when Alex had the flu, right?
- Oh, no kidding!

Well, I do get a
home-cooked meal out of it.

Plus I owe these guys.

- Phil helped me buy my last two houses.
- Oh...

Oh. So good.
Such great stories.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you!

You owe me a phone call!

I know! I'm gonna call you!

Hey! Teddy's here, huh?

Hey, you deadbeat, you owe me
50 bucks for the golf.

Well, maybe I'll slip it to you
during your next prostate exam.

I'll bet you're counting
the days, you perv.

Oh. So funny.

You and Jay really seem
to have a thing, don't ya?

And Gloria-- what's the nature
of your relationship with her?

Well, actually,
we just met tonight.

You know, I'm not
so sure she likes me.

Really?

Uh, well, I mean, she just
takes a little time to warm up.

Oh, thanks. And thank you,
again, for coming tonight.

With the money we raised,
we'll be able

to inoculate over 4,000 needy kids

against some truly awful diseases.

And how well do you know Luke?

I love that movie, too!

Yeah, that cool fight scene
on that skyscraper in Shanghai--

it really made me
want to go to Japan.

Why? Shanghai's in China.

I'm just saying, you don't
want to fly to Japan,

get in a cab and say,
"take me to downtown Shanghai."

It's a pretty expensive ride.

Uh, um, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom.

Come with me.

Be right back, guys.

Uh, what do you think
you're doing out there?

- I'm flirting.
- That's what I was afraid of.

Look, I'm not gonna
pretend I'm stupid

- just so a boy will like me.
- Of course not.

But you don't have to put
the poor guy to shame.

Flirting with boys is about
increasing your value,

not decreasing theirs.

That's a complicated thought.
What magazine taught you that?

You're doing it again!
The mean thing.

Can you even hear it or what?!

- I heard it.
- Good.

So now that he knows
that you're smart,

let's work on being nice.

- Wanna ditch the hoodie?
- No.

That's all good. It's a process.

Man, tough finding
a hero in this family, huh?

You know, I've got
problems of my own.

I can't always be the lovable
sidekick on "the Manny show."

Did you even notice
I'm binge-eating?

Whoa. You're really
going through something.

Wanna talk about it?

Not even a little bit.

And don't go hounding me
like you always do.

Well, thanks for restoring
my faith in this family.

Too bad I'm not related to Teddy.

- He seems terrific.
- Doesn't he, though?

Knees bent.

Arms loose. Chin up.

Butt out.

Ay, no, Phil. This is too much.

No, just remember,
"kbalcubo." Huh?

K-b-a-l-c-u-b-o.

- "Koala bears always lose cherries
under big overpasses." - Ay.

- Ay, no! How am I gonna
remember all that?! - Uh, uh... oh!

- Oh!- Aah!
- I gotcha.

- Ay, Teddy...
- Teddy, you're amazing!

Thank you for saving me!

Let me get in there, boys.
Excuse me.

Boom!

Okay!

Okay, clearly it's time to talk.

All right, Cam, Cam,
you're obviously upset.

But trust me--
there are no lingering feelings

between me and Teddy.

I don't care about you and Teddy.

I don't like what's lingering
between him and your family.

- What?
- Mitchell, look around.

Your family is cheating on me
with your ex-boyfriend.

Cheating-- Okay, yes.
Th-there is a bit more contact

between them than I realized, but--

Oh, o-oh, yeah.
Now this is where we make Cam

the over-sensitive drama queen.

God forbid we take any action
to make things right for me.

Well, okay, okay.
Okay, what do you want me to do?

Would you like me to ask them
to break up with Teddy?

Is that what you're asking?

Of course not.
I would never ask that.

- That would be insane.
- Well, good.

It would be as insane
for me to ask that

as it would be sane
for you to offer it.

So that is what you're asking.

No, that's what I'm not asking.

But if you decide to do it,
I want it to come from you,

not me, because
I'm clearly not asking for it.

- Okay, this is nuts.
- Is it?

I worked my fingers to the bone

to get these jumpy
protestants to love me,

and now I find out
they're holding a torch

for the man who came before me?

It's not nuts.
It's actually quite painful.

Excuse me, sir?
You just won a prize

for setting a rink record
on the boxing machine.

If you wouldn't mind taking
a picture for our wall of fame?

Oh, yeah, sure. Absolutely.
Just one second.

- Okay.
- That's exciting.

Mitchell, I know
you'll do what's right.

Unless you like seeing me humiliated.

Thank you.

Everybody was staring, Phil.

Well, what if we practice outside
where no one can see us?

Ay, and now I have
the nervous burps!

- Oh...
- Claire.

Dad? Wh-what are
you doing out here?

Apparently this is the only way
we'll get to talk tonight.

- About this job--
- Mm-hmm?

- Hey, guys. - This sounds
really important, dad. Hang on.

- Go ahead, Mitchell.
- Okay, so listen. This is coming from me.

- Mm-hmm. - No one else. Um...
but I need you to do something,

- and I don't want you
to give me any flack. - Oh, jeez.

That's flack.
I-I think it's a little weird

- how you all still hang out
with Teddy so much... - Told you.

And I think it'd be appropriate
if maybe you all,

you know, stopped seeing him.

This is coming from Cam, isn't it?

No, it's not.

Wait a second.

Cam doesn't think we can love him
and Teddy at the same time?

And you just sold Cam out like that?
Wow.

Wait. What is that?

I'll tell you what it is.
It's sad.

Hey, skaters!
Not an emergency,

but we do have a small
fire in the snack bar.

We'd like everyone to calmly
file outside. Thanks.

Okay, everyone,
the exit's over here.

Come this way, please.

Hey, this way, to the exit.

All right, everybody over here.

Come on.
You guys, just do this for me.

But... he's all the way over there.

There's no hurry. We're in
a wooden box built in 1970.

- Let's go!
- Oh--all right, let's go.

Okay, thank you. That's very nice.

- Okay.
- Sweet of you.

Hey, skaters, good news!

Fire's out!

Sorry for the scare.

All right--all right,
before you get upset,

this was just about convenience.

- Was it?
- Mm-hmm.

Or was it a perfect metaphor?

Congratulations, Mitchell.

This is the saddest
I've ever been in roller skates.

Okay, be careful.

I don't want to get hurt, okay?

No one's gonna get hurt.
Hold on!

Aah! That hurts!

- Okay, if we could just--
- Aah!

- Son of a Mitchell!
- Aah!

Do not worry one bit.

You are gettin' it!

Let's get away from the cars, huh?

Disgusting.

Claire Pritchett?

- Jeff?
- No way!

I haven't seen you
since you worked here.

- Oh, wow! You... you still do.
- Yeah, do what you love,

- you never work a day in your life, right?
- Right.

This is perfect.

Some civilian just
yakked in the rink.

Can you take over for a minute?

Um... no.

Ah, it's kind of where
I make most of my money.

- You know, I hate to shut it down.
- Mm.

Ah, I got a girl pregnant.
It's a whole thing.

It's-- all right.
I'll do it for a minute, sure.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay.

- Oh, hey...
- Yeah?

I still think about that kiss.

Oh, God.

Bleh! Gross.

Mom, I threw up.

Oh, honey, that was you?
You're gonna be okay.

Let me get you something
for your tummy.

I'm just so stressed out.

You know that hero essay
I have to write?

Mm-hmm?

Well, dad kind of assumed
I wrote it about him...

- Mm-hmm.
- But I didn't.

And now he wants to read it,
and I don't know what to do.

Don't worry about your father.
I am sure he'll understand.

Claire, I need some ice for Cameron.

And we have to talk about the job.

Unless you've taken back this one.

Dad, I'm with a customer right now.

I'll be with you in just a moment.

Honey, I'll talk to your dad.

You don't think he'll be upset
I wrote it about you?

You wrote it about me?

Mom, you know me and homework.

I didn't give it much thought.
What's a hero?

Someone who's not
afraid of anything,

and who's strong-- that's you.

But dad's so great, too.

- Here it comes.
- Okay. All right.

You just sit down.
Sit down, sweet pea.

Have your drink.
You're gonna be fine.

Okay.

Here goes. Um...

So, dad, the last time
we worked together,

- it was tense between us.
- What?

- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.

You were--
you're really hard on me,

and you talk down to me.

- You don't know what
you're talking about. - Right.

And when I confronted you
like I am doing now,

you were insensitive,
like you are being now.

And while I really
appreciate the opportunity

and I do love you very much,
I don't think

that working together
is a very good idea.

All right, fine.

I'm not gonna lie.
I'm very disappointed.

- We won!
- Man, that sucks!

Yeah, totally un-masculating.

Well, at least you guys
look cool when you play.

Let's play again.
This never happened.

Actually, we need to go hang out
with our family for a while.

Really? Now?

Yeah, but we'll be around.
We'll see you guys.

What happened? Did I mess up?

No, you did great.
So he didn't like me?

- No, he totally liked you.
- Then why'd we walk away?

'Cause it was never about him.

This was about getting you
some confidence.

Guys will pick up on that.
Better guys.

Guys who can lose to a girl
without feeling e-masculated.

Okay, try not to throw this
in my face one day,

but sometimes
you're actually really smart.

Like, smart smart.
I hope you know that.

Wow.

Thanks.

But I'm totally throwing that
in your face one day.

Are you kidding?

Oh, thank you so much.
Everything go okay?

No. Actually,
I was trapped back here,

my dad and I got in a whole thing.

Now he's mad at me.

- Whoa, where'd you find that?
- I know where you keep the beer, Jeff.

I hate this feeling!

I swear, it started when
I was 12 years old

and I got a "C" in social studies.

The way my dad looked at me,
you would have thought

I'd worn a tube top in church.

He knew it crushed me.

He didn't care.

That's why I can't work for him.

He was hard on me then.
He's gonna be hard on me now.

I'm telling you,
people don't change.

I've changed.

I don't wanna put up
with this stuff.

I am a completely different person
than I was 20 years ago.

All right, kids,
that's gonna be $18.50.

Out of $20?

There's your $1.50...

I thought so.

Well, I mean,

do you feel good that you were
at least honest with him?

No.
And... super no.

Because I'm the one who's left
with this awful feeling

every time I disappoint him.

It's not fair.

'Cause I'm not the bad guy here.

He needs to know that.

How's that?

- That better?
- Yeah, much better. Tha--

Thank you, Teddy.

You're fixed. Skate with me.

I think it's a little soon, sweetie.

- No. Teddy.
- But--oh, sure thing, kiddo.

Hey, lots of ice,
no cartwheels for three days.

- Yeah.
- Ready? Come on.

Good guy.

Who--Teddy? Yeah.
Yeah, he's the best.

Nuts he can't find anybody, huh?

Gotta be something
a little off there.

He definitely did not bring out
the best in Mitchell,

I can tell you that right now.

Oh, really?

Well, you know,
not that it matters...

But in what way exactly?

Honestly?
When they were together,

- Mitchell could be a bit of a pill.
- Oh.

Now, I like Teddy,

but when they broke up,
I was actually kinda glad.

Of course, Mitchell
thought that I was

uncomfortable because
of the gay thing,

and maybe I was, but...

I really just wanted him
to be happy.

Like he is now.

And when you two started up,
everyone thought,

"well, there it is."

Okay, kids. Couples skate.

Grab someone you love
and get out there.

Jay, you can be so...

- I'm not skating with you, Cam.
- Yeah.

What about me, dad?
You wanna skate with me?

What qualifies someone as a hero?

Obviously, a hero has
to be someone we respect.

A person we look up to.

A person who is generous of spirit.

Who's willing to grow and learn.

So... dad,

if that offer still stands...

Really?
What changed?

A couple of things.

Maybe it's the person
you love most in the world

or the guy who makes
the most out of life,

no matter what anyone thinks.

No! It's cool!
No, everybody's laughing at me!

- Keep rolling! This is your chance!
- Ay, no! No!

Yeah!

- Phil!
- I know!

- Funny, though...
- Go, dad!

The hero in my family is my family,

because of who we are together.

"C" minus.
"This was not the assignment."

I'll tell you who is not my hero.

Mrs. Rita McNabb.

Yeah!

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

What is everybody looking at?

Oh, I guess I can tell
the story one more time.

Sure, yeah. Well,
I was mad about something.

I don't even remember what.

I turned. Now at this point,

I'm more animal than I am man.

Strike the punching machine,

and apparently I broke
some sort of world record.

I guess the thing
that I'll never forget

is the sound that it made.

It was, like,
bells and whistles and sirens.

It's impossible to describe.

Oh, no!

That was literally the first
punch I've ever thrown!

You are never to see him again.

Yes, I know.

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