Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 21 - Career Day - full transcript

- Shh.
- I didn't say anything.

- Stop talking.
- That's talking.

- Do you think she's asleep yet? - I'm on
the same side of the door as you are.

- Stop talking.
- Cam.

Lily lost her first tooth today.

And she's very excited
about a visit from the tooth fairy.

When I had my first loose tooth,
my mama tied one end of the string to it,

and the other to the tail of a guernsey cow

fired off a 12-gauge shotgun,

and the cow went
running out of the room.

That never happened.



Tell that to the cow-shaped
hole in my bedroom wall.

Shh. Shh.

Gotcha!

What are you doing here?

You're not the tooth fairy.

N-no. But we just wanted
to see if she'd come yet.

No. She sure is
taking her sweet time.

- Maybe you should just go
back to sleep, sweetie... - Yeah.

- 'Cause it could take a while.
- Mm-hmm.

I've got nowhere to be.

Mom, I can't be late today.

Sanjay Patel and I
are dissecting a pig.

So sad what passes
for a date in your life.

- Haley. - He keeps asking me
to hand him all of the instruments.



He wants me to act like a nurse.

Now it sounds like
a date in Haley's life.

- Whoa.
- Okay, before you say no...

- No.
- You haven't even seen it yet.

Mm, I'm sticking with "no."

It's for Luke's career day.

I thought I'd offer
the kids a chance

to put their face on my body.

- Ew.
- Mnh-mnh.

Ew. I just heard it, too.

How come you guys
never had a career day?

- Cutbacks.
- Nor'Easter.

Today I get to talk
about the love of my life...

Residential real estate.

He really doesn't hear it.

I wanna make Luke proud.

I wanna be his hero
like my dad was

when he talked to my class
about running a grocery store.

He came in with
two price guns in holsters

and marked our teacher at $1.29

before she knew what hit her.

I bet that produced
a lot of laughs.

Claire, please.

And Olivia Berman's mom

works in the rare books
department at the library.

Hope I get a chance
to pick that brain.

Looks like you got quite
the career day lineup.

So I guess they already got
a closet guy coming in, huh?

No. I didn't think
you'd wanna do it.

I don't, but you know,
I just feel bad for the kids.

A lot of interesting stories
in the closet biz.

Oh. Why have you never told us any?

Okay. Well, for example,
there was this guy...

- Must have had over a hundred hats...
- Yes?

And we had to fit them
in the closet.

Okay?

And we did.

All right. Maybe it's not
the most exciting career

in the world, but it pays the bills.

No one is complaining.

Were there other things
I'd rather do? Yes.

- But I had to make ends meet.
- What other things?

Well, I always wanted
to write thrillers.

- Like that hat story?
- Spy thrillers.

I've been kicking around
this character,

CIA Agent Chuck Stone,
who doesn't care

how much his antics annoy
the brass in Arlington.

Why didn't you ever try it?

I was busy with work and family.

I was gonna start writing
after my divorce,

but you know...
life got in the way.

Why do you point at me
when you say "life"? Am I "life"?

- I meant you keep my busy.
- You had a 3-hour nap on Sunday.

- I was tired.
- From what?

Your 2-hour nap on Saturday?

Jay, I've been with you
for five years,

and I've never heard you mention
anything about writing.

Hey. I bought a typewriter.

A typewriter?

When is your book signing?

1975?

It's a hell of a character.
They taught him how to kill,

but he never learned to love!

- No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
- Okay.

Daddies! Daddies!
The tooth fairy came.

- What? No way!
- Oh, that's so exciting!

What'd she bring you?

Well...

- Oh! Fairy dust. Nice touch.
- Ah.

- Oh, my gosh, it's a lot.
- Uh-huh.

Some stickers...

- Oh!
- Ah!

A toothbrush...

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

And a hundred dollar bill!

- What? Okay.
- Wow. Look at that.

I love the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy gave
our daughter $100.

Does she not know that
the going rate for a tooth

is $5 at the most?

Well, obviously,
the tooth fairy made a mistake.

Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy

had a little too much
chardonnay last night.

I think the tooth fairy
can handle the chardonnay.

What I don't think she can handle

is criticizing someone who
made an honest mistake

in the dark of the night.

I'm gonna put this in my clutch.

I can't wait to tell
everyone at school!

Okay, we cannot be
the parents of a 6-year-old

who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.

It's bad enough we're the parents

of a 6-year-old with a clutch.

You know, that bag transitions
from day to night seamlessly,

and I no longer have to carry
crayons in my front pocket.

Can't have this argument again!

Thank you, Dr. Ann,

for showing us
how exciting and surprising

a real live therapy session can be.

I will hold on to this card.

Next up, we have Luke's dad,
Mr. Dunphy.

Hey. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Guess what?

I've been in your house
when you weren't home.

And yours.
And yours.

No, I'm not a burglar.
I'm a realtor.

Ho! Hey, sorry I'm late!

I just sold another mansion.

How you doin', honey?

History is full of great rivalries...

Athens and Sparta,
Kerrigan and Harding,

Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe.

In this scenario, he's the Tonya,
I'm the Nancy.

Pay attention, kids.

You're about to hear from
the number four realtor in town.

Anyway, uh, I'm not gonna
bore you guys with a lecture.

Instead, I'd like you to watch
as I converse with a young man

who's wondering
what to do with his life.

Hey, kid.

Hey, kid, up here! Up here!

Yo, dude! Whassup?

I'll tell you what's up.

I'm interested in helping you

by telling you all about
a career in real estate.

Real estate? Isn't that just
buying and selling houses?

I don't have time for that.
Epic fail.

Sounds like we need
to start at the beginning.

You see, real estate
is about people.

Pfft.

People?

Couldn't agree more, Phil.
Best part of our job

is putting the right person
in the right home.

- Gil...
- Matter of fact, last week,

- I put a "Spanish" couple
into a Spanish home. - Gil.

A world without houses?
That's cray cray.

Okay. Okay.

Phil, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to screw up your little show.

I know timing is critical
on these things.

- Gil, please. - Believe me,
the last thing I want to do is...

Aw! You sold a house
to the channel 7 weatherman?

No. No.

But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.

What?! Guess what? He's not
talking to you. He's talking to me.

And I have a very funny story, actually.

- A guy walks into... no.
- That's hilarious.

No! I haven't told it!

Okay, um... oh!

Uh...

Great throw. You were right.

- It is in my court.
- Ball's in your court!

But guess what...
it was me the whole time.

What?!

Come on, kids, come on.

Give it up! Give it up!
He tried.

I think we all know what
you were going for, Phil.

But I'm lookin' out here,
and I'm seeing some hungry kids.

Am I right?
That's why I brought plenty of...

Gil pickles!

Who wants a Gil pickle?
Come on. Let me see 'em.

All right. Come on. Grab one.

Gil pickles.

Genius.

So much better than
my Phil-low cases.

Claire wasn't a fan.

One of him in bed
is more than enough.

Do you hear that, ladies?

All right. Just hit "send."

Hey! You just sold a house!

And you're gonna be chasing
that high for the rest of your life.

Give her a round
of applause, everybody.

She just sold a house.

I wanna thank you kids
for having me here today.

And remember the three
rules of real estate...

Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!

Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Thorpe.

It turns out we have
a little extra time.

- Uh, Mrs. Dunphy?
- Yes?

I'm sure the class
would love to hear from you.

Oh, no. I just came in
to help my husband.

I'm a...
I'm a stay-at-home mom.

I know. And that's
a very important job.

It is. Uh, yeah.

I can...I can do this for a minute.

Um, stay-at-home mom.

Uh, what that means
is I actually have

a whole bunch of different jobs.

I am a chauffeur, a chef,

uh, a house manager,

- a nurse.
- Is it what you always wanted to do?

No. Not exactly.

Uh, I went to college,
uh, to study marketing

and worked at one
of those big hotel companies.

But when my kids came along,
I just wanted to be there.

You know, wipe their noses
and change their diapers

and tuck 'em in at night.

Mom!

For the record,
I do all my own wiping.

So why haven't you
gone back to work?

I've done a few things lately.
I just redid a house,

and I ran for city council last year.

You're on the city council?

No. I-I didn't win.

- You lost?
- That's what "didn't win" means.

I... I thought I would be
going back to work

when the kids got older,

but it...it's not as easy
as you might think.

You know, people
aren't exactly lining up

to hire a woman who's almost 40

and has been out
of the job market for 15 years.

I thought you were 42.

That's almost 40, Luke.

My mom went back
to work when I was 4.

Oh, so there was no one at home
to teach you not to interrupt?

Okay. Hey, hey, hey!

Let me tell you something.

Stay-at-home moms are heroes.

- Yeah.
- They're the backbone of this country.

Thanks, Gil.

I mean, if I had to do that job,

- I'd probably drink myself
to death, honestly. - Ooh.

All right, let's give her
a round of applause, everybody.

Come on.

Oh, come on, you can do better
than that. Let me hear ya!

All right! All right!

All right, class dismissed.
Get out of here!

No!

No, no, no.

We have... guys,
we have three more hours.

- Here.
- My old typewriter.

You said you want to write.
Write.

Now? I've got a busy day.

I already called your office

and told them that you can't come in

to walk around for 20 minutes

saying to everyone,
"what's up, sport?"

I know this is your subtle little way

of saying you
don't think I can do it.

No. It's life getting out of the way.

Fine. I'm gonna take you
up on your little challenge,

but you should know this...

this behavior of yours
is not gonna fly

when you lose your looks.

Mm!

You're gonna be long gone by then.

- Hey.
- Mnh?

- Dunphy.
- Yeah? Oh.

- You okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't let that little smart-ass
bother you, all right.

Have you seen her mother?
Does not age well.

Well, um, thanks
for rescuing me in there.

And tell Phil I'm sorry
if I threw him off in there.

I probably should learn just
to keep my big blowhole shut.

Actually, it went a little better
than it did in rehearsal,

to be honest.

- But I will tell him what you said.
- All right.

You know, your little meltdown
in there got me thinking.

I'm building a retail office development,

and I could use a liaison

to work with
the planning commission.

Are you offering me a job?

Well, yeah.
You know people in city hall,

and you did a hell
of a job on that flip.

And for the safety
of you and your family,

I gotta get you
out of that house.

But you and Phil are competitors. It...

Not on this.

Look, if this works out,
everybody's gonna win...

except for that tropical fish store

we're booting out of there. Mm.

I don't feel bad about that at all.

Can I take a couple of days
to think about it?

- Yeah. Yeah. Take your time. No pressure.
- Okay.

And when you're ready,
just give me a call.

- Okay.
- Number's on the stick.

Great. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Gil pickle.

See ya! Thorpe! Thorpe! Thorpe!

Thorpe. Thorpe. Thorpe.

Look what just came in the mail...

a letter addressed to you, Lily.

Really? I don't get much mail.

Oh, let's see here.

Uh, yeah. Oh, the tooth fairy.

"1 Tooth Fairy Lane.

Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."

I hope it's another $100.

Ooh! Well, lookie there.

Glitter!

I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have
to worry about vacuuming.

See, "dear Lily, I'm writing
because I made a mistake

- and gave you too much money."
- Oh.

"Please leave the $100
under your pillow tonight,

and I'll give you a dollar.
Sorry if that bites."

Oh.

Let me see that.

I can't read.

Uh, well, it sounds
like she's really in a jam.

And I think we're gonna

have to give the tooth fairy
her $100 back.

Mm-hmm.

No! I wanna keep it.

I'm scared that
she's gonna be the one

- taking care of us when we're older.
- Yeah.

"Chuck Stone,

"6-foot, 3-inches of
steely eyed determination

sat at the interrogation table."

"His mind was a blank..."

"A complete blank.

"He literally could not think
of one single, solitary thing.

Then he noticed a spot."

"It looked like syrup
left over from breakfast..."

"Which made him realize
it was lunchtime.

"A bacon, lettuce,
and tomato, sandwich...

"or B.L.T, as Chuck Stone called it...

would really hit the spot."

"The secret, Chuck realized,
was real mayonnaise..."

- Mmm. - "Not that healthy crap
his wife kept buying for their son."

Damn it!

"I mean, what's the point
of t-t-t-t-t-t-t?

Tea for two.
Two for tea."

It only gets worse from here.

You can't be serious!
Gil Thorpe is my nemesis!

I hate to break it to you, Phil,
but you're not Batman.

Trust me.

Gil is a snake and he's found
the perfect way to mess with me.

Did it ever occur to you that
he was hiring me because of...

I don't know? Me.

Are you kidding?
What's your last name?!

Right now?

I'm sorry, Claire.

I-I hate to do this,
but I have to use my veto.

Veto?
Oh, you don't get any vetoes.

- You veto me all the time.
- 'Cause you have dumb ideas.

Name one.

That went on for a while.

...And let's not forget shower snacks.

I can't be the only one
who gets hungry in there!

Hey, Jay. My mom said
you were writing a book.

- That's fantastic.
- Uh-huh.

By the way, career day
was a little weird.

I think Claire's going through
some pretty dark stuff,

- and you might want to check...
- Enough chitchat.

I've gotta get a character
out of a bind.

Ooh. What did he do?

He told his wife
he could write a book.

Don't give up, Jay.
Self-doubt is part of the process.

You can't be a good writer

without being critical
of your own work.

Hmm.

- Huh.
- What?

I'm racking my brain
for a compliment here.

I know. It stinks.

And your mom's gonna rub it
in my face pretty good.

Okay. Why is Chuck Stone
interrogating this guy?

He needs the codes.
If he doesn't get 'em,

the International Space Station's gonna

- crash into Times Square on New Year's Eve.
- So he's short of time.

He's got about two minutes.
He's desperate.

How about this?

"Chuck Stone smiled
and lit a cigarette,

"as if he had all the time
in the world,

when in fact, the world
was about to end."

Holy crap. What happens next?

Move over. I'll type.

Some coffee would be great.
Thanks.

I'm sorry. I don't understand
why we don't just go in there,

we tell her we're taking the money,
and that's that.

Because this is
a teaching moment,

and we want her to want
to give the money back.

I'm just really worried

we're becoming those
overindulgent parents right now.

Don't be silly.

Okay, you ready, tooth fairy?

- Let's do this.
- All right.

Lily, look who came to say hi!

It's me, the tooth fairy.

And I've come to ask you for a favor!

Are you really the tooth fairy?

Oh, yes, I am.
Look at my wings!

Can you fly?
I wanna see you fly.

Well, I can't right now because...

Um... well, because...

because the tooth fairy's
too sad to fly...

Because she made a mistake
that only you can make better.

Is this about the money again?

Well, yes, it is.

I need enough for all
the other children's tooths.

- Teeth.
- Wait a minute.

You're not the tooth fairy.
You're Haley.

No! I am the tooth fairy!

Look! Fairy dust!

And there's that glitter.

Why did you lie?
You said lying was wrong.

We also said that when someone
is in trouble, you help them.

How do I know you weren't lying?

- She is good.
- All right, Lily, this is ridiculous.

All right, the tooth fairy
has made a mistake.

You need to put
the $100 under the pillow,

and that is the end of the story.

Because you believe
it's the right thing to do...

- Yes.
- Don't you?

But I wanna buy a scooter.

Oh. That's what I'd do.

I mean...

who cares what Santa thinks, right?

Santa?

Well, he sees everything,

and this'll probably put
you on the "naughty" list.

But who needs presents every year?

You've got a hundred dollars.

You can ride around
that empty Christmas tree

until you're an old lady.

Can I have some time
to think about it?

- You don't need any...
- Of course, sweetie.

Yeah. Okay.

Haley? Okay, that was brilliant.

Thanks.
Oh, also, can I borrow this?

- Why?
- I'd rather not say.

You know, after I put on the wig,

I just... I felt like the character.

Hang on.

Yell-o?

Quick question.
Am I talking to live Phil or video Phil?

What do you want, Gil?

I just wanna make it's okay
that your wife calls me "boss."

- Good-bye.
- Oh, hold on! Hold on!

I'm just messing with ya.

Although I do think your wife's
gonna enjoy being under me.

My son is in the car.

Hey, superstar! What's up?

Listen, any time you wanna
swing by the beach house,

I'll be glad to show you
how to throw a tight spiral

like I did at Texas Tech. Booyah!

- Tommy!
- He already knows how to throw.

- Yeah, my gay Uncle Cam taught me.
- I-I got this.

This was between us.
You don't bring family into it.

Low blow getting Claire's hopes up.

Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up.

This is a real job
with real bennies...

one of which is I get
to tell you what I'm thinking

whenever she leans over my desk!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, I'm gonna have
so much fun with this! Uhh!

Later, dunph-bags!

What a jerk.

You know what?
We're gonna tell your mom

before she goes
into business with this guy.

He's gil-ty of being a thorpe in my side.

Trying too hard.

Yeah.

Hello!

Move!

- Ow!
- You're fine.

So?

How was your first day of writing?

Gloria, shh!
Let me finish one thought.

Got it.

So you actually wrote something?

Well, it was slow going at first,

but then the juices started flowing.

- May I?
- Sure.

Uh, if it helps,
picture Tom Berenger.

I always do.

Mnh.

What?

Well, it's just this...

this first sentence is a bit long.

Long or dynamic?

No, long and confusing.
I can't tell who's talking.

Maybe that's just to mimic
the fog of battle.

Okay.

- Hmm.
- What now?

Just... there were
no cell phones in 1965.

That's a mistake.
I'm changing that.

You can't change that.
It comes back in the end...

I-I presume.

The point is, I can write.

I probably won't pursue it,
but it's a viable career option.

The CIA had all sorts
of top-secret technology.

Who's to say they
didn't have cell phones?

Manny, let it go.

And this Chuck Stone...

he doesn't seem
very good at his job.

He's flawed. That's what makes
the character interesting.

If you want someone perfect,
put in a robot.

A robot!

I like a robot.

No! You're not putting
a robot in my story!

That's right, my story.

You must be very happy.

I would be,
but life got in the way.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just got out my old briefcase.

It's still capable
of doing the job,

just like me.

Claire, you have
to understand something.

You have to understand something.

I walked around
all day on cloud nine

because somebody valued me.

I value you.
We all value you.

No, of course you do,

because I cook and I clean
and I pick up dirty underwear.

No, honey,
it's different than that.

I have been
on the sidelines for so long,

I didn't know if anybody
would ever think

I have what it takes again.

I know Gil's not the greatest guy,

but this is important. And I think...

I think you should take the job.

But, dad...

No, Luke. She's right.

Your mom's gonna
be amazing at this.

Mmm!

- I retract my veto.
- You never had a veto.

- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.

And that went on for a while.

...And lastly, this whole conversation
would be happening

- in a yurt.
- It's the perfect structure.

I have to go take
the shoulder pads out

of all my old suits!

You know he's gonna keep teasing you.

If it makes your mom happy,
I can handle a few phone calls.

And texts. Wow.

- What does it say?
- Nothing I can't handle.

"We all weave a web of lies."

"Some we tell to try
to help the ones we love."

"Some we tell to try
to fool ourselves."

"And some we tell because,

"when you're out of bullets

"and staring down
the barrel of a kalashnikov,

the only weapon
you've got left is guile."

She's nuts. That's fantastic.

Okay, guys, bring it in!

Let's get this place shipshape
before she gets home.

I'm sure she had a big first day.

Haley, I'm putting you on laundry.

Alex, kitchen and vacuum.

Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom.

Why me?

Because you always mess it up.

Yeah, why can't you pee straight?

Hey, I'm doing a great job
from that far back.

Okay, guys,
team Dunphy on three.

One, two...that's right,
we got a lot to do!

Honey, what are you
doing home so early?

I quit. That man is a complete pig.

He treated me like a servant

and showed me
absolutely no respect.

I'm so sorry.
You deserve better than that.

- I do.
- Ohh!

So what's for dinner?

I feel like you heard me wrong.
I said, what's for dinner?

I heard you!