Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - Flip Flop - full transcript

And, as we make our way
out of the gourmet kitchen,

we find ourselves back in
the warm embrace of the parlor.

Easy ***. It's just
one room, not *** Park.

Where'd you get
all this sweet furniture?

Oh, we rented it to make the house
feel more comfortable and inviting.

Don't sit there!
Oh, my gosh.

It took me 20 minutes
to get these chops just right.

There.
Does that look straight?

Nothing about that looks straight.

I love the house.
It's beautiful.

Here is a tree.



It's a pachira,

a Taiwanese symbol
of good financial fortune.

It's also known as a money tree.

That makes two of us.

Well, I would like
to propose a toast.

Mm. Missed me.

To the hard work
of Claire and Cameron--

or as I like to call them,
"Clameron"... oh!

Which is what potential
home buyers will be doing

when they see this place.

Clamorin'.

- Clamoring t-to buy it f--
- Phil, don't go back for it.

Because this house
is going to sell.

Who's the best realtor in town?



- Gil Thorpe.
- That's right,

- and he has buyers coming over tomorrow.
- That's right.

Wow! All right.

To Claire and Cam.

My sister. My partner.

My sister! My partner!
My sister! My partner!

- "Chinatown." Hilarious.
- Still empty.

Okay, you know you're my ride.

- To Clameron!
- Here, here.

- Cheers.
- Speech!

Oh! Well, gosh,
I wasn't prepared for this.

I...I think we should just
really thank the people--

- Here's to the best construction crew
in the business. - Okay. Okay.

Hank. Luis. Paco!

Wish you could be here
right now, buddy.

What? Did he die?

No, he's on the roof,
fixing a shingle

that he should've
gotten right the first time.

- I guess the most important people--
- And then to my partner. - Yes.

My lifelong companion.

- My lovah.
- Aw.

- Mm.
- Okay, Cam. - Oh.

Who had his doubts about
this project the whole time,

and never, even
in my darkest moment,

- said "I told you so."
- Oh.

Which is good because
he would've been wrong.

- Very gracious.
- Okay.

And I'm sure that the house
is gonna sell in no time.

Hey!

- Hear, hear.
- Yeah!

Hey, I've got a friend
who wants to buy a house.

Maybe I can show it
to him after school.

Then if he buys it,
I'd get the commission.

What would that be?

- Adorable.
- Oh!

I'm serious.
And I'm not adorable.

I'm getting a mustache.

I know my A-B-C's.

Wow. I guess things weren't
about you for a second.

- Okay, wrapping this up.
- Yeah.

To the fastest sale
in real estate history.

- Yes!
- Bravo!

Seriously, it's bad luck
to toast with an empty glass.

Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you.

You guys did a nice job on the house.
My buyer wants in.

Fantastic!
That is great news!

You know,
when we first got into this--

Whoa, the small talk's over.

Here's what
we're prepared to offer.

You're joking, right?

I don't joke about real estate.

I joke about golf and Mexicans.

It's okay, though.
I'm married to one.

W-we're not gonna take this.

It's the first day on the market.

- We'd barely break even.
- Take it.

No.

- The market's crashing!
- Nuh-unh.

You're in over your head.

Maybe you're in over your head.

Dunphy, listen to me.

If you pass up on this,
you're gonna regret it.

I don't know the meaning
of the word "regret."

Here we go.
French toast, double bacon.

Egg whites, dry toast.

Damn it.

Let me tell you something, Gil.

You may be top dog,

but you're the one
who's gonna have regrets,

'cause this house
is gonna sell like... that.

Well...

that's it for today.

We're going to die in this house.

Oh, the pillows
have lost their fluff.

The pillows are not the problem!

It's okay, Manny.
I'll see you in a minute.

Yes, I'll be polite and
I'll be nice. I promise.

I'm going to kill him.

What'd Javier do this time?

His one big weekend
alone with his son,

and I just found out

that he brought
his latest bimbo along.

He always does this.

You remember that time that he took
Manny and that stripper fishing?

Yeah. They barely got a nipple.

Come on. That was good.
I just thought of that.

Are you done?

I bet she was comfortable
with the pole.

Ah. Should've quit after "nipple."

How does Leno
do it night after night?

I was just wondering
that about myself.

Phil, please. Tell us that
you have some good news.

Well, it's complicated because
I don't have good news,

but I really want you
guys to like me.

What? Gil Thorpe called back
with another offer,

but it was $10,000 lower
than the last one.

Lower?

Oh, that is perfect.
That's just perfect.

Something you wanna say, Mitchell?

Yes. I told you so.
I warned you this would happen.

I tried to stop it,
but you wouldn't let me.

I was right,
and you were wrong.

Uh, you live in this ridiculous
candy-colored fantasy land.

I am so much smarter than you,

and it is killing me
not to rub your nose in it!

No. I'm just thinking.

Okay, guys,
we have to do something.

We can't carry this house
for much longer.

Cam, what did you
spend on staging?

Uh, let's see.
I don't know.

How can you not know?!

Because I was hungry,
and everything was so pretty.

And I didn't think
it would matter

because who could've guessed

we wouldn't have sold
the house by now?

Me.

Phil, do you think you can

get Gil Thorpe
up to his original offer?

- How?
- I don't know.

You could, uh, flatter him,
stroke his ego.

No, he'd never fall for that.
He's too smart.

Ohh. But, honey, if anybody
can pull it off, you can.

You're so good at everything.

Mm. That is true.

- I'll do it.
- Mm.

We're back!

I cannot believe that again
you brought a girl.

What is it this time?
A cocktail waitress?

A boat show model? A stripper?

No, then I could make
real money. I'm just a PhD.

Mom, this is Trish.

- Gloria, hi.
- Hi.

- Jay.
- How do you do?

I have heard so much about you.

She works at the museum of art.

It was so cool.
We got an after hours tour,

and Trish said I could take
flash pictures of the paintings.

But don't worry. I didn't.

That's a relief.

I was afraid I was gonna
have to look at 'em.

So you work at the museum?

Oh, no. I'm just on the board.

I run the art and antiquities
department at Christie's.

Oh.

Let me see. What is the word
I am looking for?

Oh, yes. Bam!

So how did you two meet?

I won a car in a poker game,
but it caught on fire,

so the guy gave me a painting.

I took it to the auction house,

eh, ticky ticky,
I made a big profit

but I still came home
with a masterpiece.

He means her.

May I tell you,
you have a wonderful boy?

So well-mannered and chivalrous.

It's like he leapt off the canvas

of a 16th century portrait
by Gainsborough or van Dyke.

Listen to that brain.
Hmm?

Can they stay for dinner?

Well, that's up to them, papi.

How can I turn down a free meal?

First time's the hardest.

What do you say, my love?

Well, I'm not sure I'm ready
to say good-bye to this guy yet.

But I'll only stay
if you let me contribute.

I did bring along a fabulous
bottle of '82 Bordeaux

that we didn't get
to this weekend.

For that, you can take Manny home.

See what I have to put up with?

Gil!

- Phil Dunphy.
- Ha ha ha!

I knew you'd come slinking back!

Hey, guys!

It's Dunphy. He's cavin'.
What did I tell you?

What did I tell you, hey?

Oh, Dunphy,
I can play you like a ukulele,

'cause you're small and dainty.

Gil, I wanna talk to you
about your offer.

Oh, ho!
Let me stop you right there.

This is how this is gonna go down.

First of all, I'm gonna take you
out to a very nice dinner.

I'm gonna talk
really sweet to you.

And then I'm gonna lay
you down by the fire...

- Oh.
- Slow at first, then...

If you guys are talking
about the house,

my friend Zack's still looking.

Honey, 14-year-olds
can't afford to buy houses.

He's not 14.

He's a software guy
who volunteers at my school.

- We're gonna be sweating...
- He's an adult with money?

He drives a nicer car than you.

Get me his number right now!

And then you're gonna go home

and tell everybody
you went to the movies,

but you and I both know
that you got thorpedoed.

Guess what, Gil.
This was a courtesy call

to tell you that
I have another buyer.

So you can tell your buyer
that you cost them a get house...

Because you got cocky
and overplayed your hand.

Prepare to Phil
the agony of dun-feat.

Both names!

Now I'm not an art expert like you,

but I did acquire
this piece in a gallery

in one of the finer Vegas casinos.

What do you think?

It does say something.

He used to, before
his little voice box broke.

It said, "welcome home,
master. Ruff day?"

Again?

Would you believe she made
me keep this in the attic?

Gloria, Trish says this is art.

What was it Thoreau said?

"It's not what you look at that matters.
It's what you see."

Hear that?

You were wrong.

Keep talking like that,

and you will find out
how he lost his voice box.

- What have we here?
- His name's Barkley.

That's delightful.

It's not delightful.
It's disgusting.

Uh, look at Warhol. Look at Koons.

A lot of great works
of contemporary art

were initially dismissed as garbage.

Excellent point, Trish.

This is not even garbage.

They wouldn't take it.
It's too big for the can.

Now what I see
is a man who is not man.

He is a servant who
has lost his dignity.

It is a commentary
on the class system in society--

as well as a handy place
to put your keys and sunglasses.

Whatever he is, your barkley
is going back to the attic.

I'm going to see the baby.

Ohh. Barkley.

Very clever.

Come on, guys. Let's play.

What are you going to play?

Charades. Me and Trish
against dad and Jay.

I have to warn you, Jay.
These two are very good.

It's like they have
their own language.

I want to play, too.

Which team should I join?

- Go with Manny.
- Go with Jay.

- Them.
- His team.

Okay, then.
Great.

Well, we'll see you tonight.

Well, Zack Barbie
is indeed an adult,

he likes the neighborhood,
and he's interested.

Oh, thank God.

Really? Did God come in here
and tell you about him?

Because I don't
remember it that way.

Okay, okay, this is it, people.

We cannot afford
to lose this buyer.

Why am I standing?

Phil, do you think this is
the right house for him?

It's hard to tell.
He's young. He's single.

I don't know anything
else about him.

Zack Barbie. Born 1986.

Went to college at a place called "mit."

M.I.T.

I know how to spell it.

Five words.

It's a book.

There's an old man...

On the boat...

He caught a big fish.

The old man and the fish!

Uh, time!

"The old man and the sea"!

Never heard about it.

Hemingway's classic tale
of man versus nature.

Leave it to a guy
with a hundred cats

to write a good fish story, right?

Oh, ho, Trish!

What is this, a book club
or a fun game?

Go.

Play.

Five words.

Second word. Scared. Afraid.

- "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
- Got it!

- You're amazing!
- Oh!

Wowie!
You could do this for a living.

Really? There's such a thing?

No, just like there's no such thing

as a professional
Broadway enthusiast.

You're gonna have
to get a real job.

Okay, it's my turn.

I don't know this.

I don't know this.

Mom, you have to do
the one you pick.

Oh, no, Manny. It's fine.

Just keep picking until
you get one you like.

No, no. I don't have to keep picking.
I'm gonna do this one.

- Uh-oh.
- No, I got this.

Is it a play, a book, or a movie?

Yeah, one of those.

"Lost"! "Clueless"!

"Dazed and confused"!

This is stupid.

Nobody can get this.

You're probably right.

Yeah. See? This is one of mine.
It's really hard.

Really? What is it?
You do it.

Well...

Play.

"Sweeney Todd"!

- Exactly.
- Ah!

What a team.

This is a stupid... game!

Okay, so after a quick scan
of his Facebook, Twitter,

Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram,

here is what I know.

Privacy is dead?

Likes-- Chicago Blackhawks,
kickboxing,

the movie "Die hard," and beer.

- He sounds like a frat boy.
- Oh, he's many things.

He meditates,
he loves Indian food,

and he's crazy about his dog Otis.

Does the house
have a doggie door?

- No.
- No.

Put one in.
You get to Barbie through Otis.

She's like the girl
with the dragon tattoo.

With cuter hair.

- Stop talking!
- Oh, she really is.

Dude has a thing
for chicks in black tights,

he likes old school funk,

and he chipped his front
tooth playing soccer.

Aw! It's actually kind of cute.

Oh, my God.
You're falling in love with him.

Oh, please.
It's just a job, nothing more.

Okay, that's enough
to go on. Let's move.

We've got two hours

to turn that place into
Zack Barbie's dream house.

- Barbie's dream house.
- We don't have time!

What the hell was all that about?

Why don't you ask Trish?
She knows everything.

Well, at least she's not a bimbo.

She and Manny
seem to hit it off fine.

What's the problem?

Just one weekend,
and he already idolizes her.

And why wouldn't he?
She's so much smarter than me.

She knows so much more about
the things that he loves.

They have their
little inside jokes.

If she learns how
to froth his cappuccino,

I am history.

You and Manny have the closest
relationship I've ever seen.

Hell, he may never form

a healthy attachment
with another woman after you.

You're just saying that.

And it doesn't matter
if Manny likes her.

Knowing Javier's track record,

he'll dump her like
he dumps everybody.

You are wrong, Jay.
I'm not going to dump her.

In fact, this weekend,
I asked Trish to marry me.

You're going to marry her?

I was waiting for
the right time to tell you.

Nailed it.

I wanted to ask you
for my abuela's ring back.

I really want Trish to wear it.

She is the most amazing
woman I've ever known.

You see that I am holding a knife.

Please. Half our marriage
was you with a knife.

Trish is the one.
And Manny already loves her.

He can spend more time
with us now--

Holidays, summers even.

Fine. I'll go get you the ring.

But you owe me $8

because I had
to replace "the emerald."

Javier, you've brought a lot
of 30-year-olds around here,

but this one's my favorite.

And I like Trish, too.

Me, too.

Well, then I suppose this is

as good a moment
as any to tell you, Manny.

Trish and I are getting married.

Oh, my gosh.
This is the best news ever!

Here. Drink.

Now listen, my love.

This belonged to my abuela.

Um, maybe not now, Javier.

No, no. Please. Please.

It will fill my heart to see
this ring on your...

your finger.

Oh. It's-- it's a little small.

I can't do this.

No, no.
I'll just push a little harder.

Javier, stop.
It'll never work.

But wait, my love.

We can put butter on your finger.

That's him. Hit it.

Hey! Not him.

Hey, guys.
Sorry it took me so long.

I've never bought beer before.
There's just so many choices.

Do we really need that much?

I don't know.
Is this a lot?

Showtime!

Hey! Not him.

Hey! Thought I'd just swing by
and see how it's going.

Zack here?

Oh, my God.

You are wearing black tights.

Alex was right.
You are into him.

That skank Zoey broke his heart.
I can make him whole again!

Haley.

Okay, that has to be him.

Everyone we know is already here.

- Everyone, places. Let's make this perfect.
- Yes.

I'm Ira Glass.

- Today on the program...
- No, no.

- That's not it.
- Turn that off!

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Turn it off!

It's the back button.

Hey! You must be Zack.

- Yeah.
- I'm Phil Dunphy. Come on in.

- Hi.
- Yeah.

These are my associates.

- Hello!
- Good evening. - Hi!

- Hello.
- Hi!

Oh, and my, uh, my daughter.

So... this is the place.

Looks nice.

So, Zack, you hungry?

Uh, no.
But, uh, it smells great.

Yeah, it's from this amazing
Indian place just down the road.

It's walking distance.

Which is awesome if you've had
one too many brewskis,

am I right?

Yeah.

Oh. Is someone a Blackhawks fan?
Love the hawks.

Yeah, well,
that's a weird coincidence.

Let's go check out
the kickboxing gym.

Seriously? I kickbox.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Come on!

Haley!

Trish, open up!

No. I don't want
to see you right now.

Open up, or I'm going
to break down the door!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Don't break down the door!

Ay, caramba.

I'm beginning to think
I should've just bought a ring.

- Let me talk to her.
- You?

Yes. She's scared.
Maybe I can help.

Help her go... adios.

Go ahead.

And you tell her
she's being crazy and irrational.

And if she doesn't come out,
I'm going to burn down this house!

Don't burn down the house!

Trish, open! It's Gloria.

I'm sorry. I needed to be alone.

In Manny's bedroom?

Well... I thought
it was a bathroom.

It smells like potpourri.

Mm. Listen,

I would be the first person
to understand that

you're having second thoughts
about marrying Javier.

I am,

but I do love him.

Of course you do,

even though he's irresponsible
and impulsive,

and if your sisters
are even a little bit pretty,

- he's gonna try--
- No, no, no, no, no. It's not that.

Is it the drinking?

Is it the gambling?

Is it because of your fat fingers?

- No, it's you.
- Me?

How can I compete with you?

All Manny talks about

is how he's got
the world's greatest mom.

And I know Javier
regrets losing you.

No, he doesn't.

Oh, believe me, he does.

And who could blame him?
I mean...

Look at you!

Who has a body like that?!

And you just had a baby
two months ago?

I mean, what--
do you just live at the gym?

Who has time for the gym?

You know what I had for lunch?!

I had a half a granola bar,

and I can't button my pants!

I can't cook!

And at best,
I am average in bed!

And I will never,

ever, ever live up
to the great Gloria!

Welcome to the family!

And did I mention that
from the back of the garden,

you can almost see
a piece of the building

that they shot "Die hard" in?

I like to sit back there sometimes.

It's a great place to gather
my thoughts and just...

I don't know. Be in the now.

I meditate every day.

- Yippee-ki-yay!
- Yeah.

What are the odds?

You know, this is probably
not gonna help

my negotiating power, but...

I kinda can't believe
how perfect this house is.

And how much is little Otis
gonna enjoy this doggie door?

How do you...
know my dog's name?

I don't.

Yeah, you do.
You just said "Otis."

No. No, no, he said,

"oh, dis doggie door would be
perfect for your dog..."

Should you own one.

- That's not even close to what
he just said. - That's what I heard.

Anyway, we can
do a very fast escrow

and get you in this house
by the end of the month.

Oh! Just in time for your birthday!

- Ohh.
- This is weird!

It's totally weird.

Okay, the Blackhawks,
you know my birthday,

and you know my dog's name.

- You guys are freaking me out.
- Okay, wait a second.

We poured our hearts
into this house,

and we just wanted to show you
what it would be like

if you were living here.
Did we go a tiny bit overboard?

Oh, my God.

Mm! Favorite song.

- Way to go.
- Ha. You take care.

Can you even see
the "Die hard" building from here?

- No.
- Mnh-mnh.

I'll be at Coachella, too!
I'll come find you!

- Honey! Haley!
- Haley!

Well, that's it.

We're officially screwed.

Darn it.

It's okay, honey.

No, it's not okay.
I feel responsible.

I dragged us all into this.

The whole point was so that
I could make a little extra money

and contribute to the family,

and instead,
I'm gonna end up costing us.

I'm a failure.

Hey. Hey.

No one could've predicted this.

My bad.

We'll find another buyer.

- This time, we'll learn from our mistakes.
- Got it. I got it.

He's back!

No. No, no, no!
Stop! Stop. Stop.

This is a great house.
It was built with integrity.

We should sell it that way, okay?
No more tricks.

- Yeah.
- Let's just be honest.

No tricks.

- Hey, Dunphy.
- Gil.

Your office said
you'd be over here.

Yeah, I am here.

With my buyers.

What do you guys think?

Oh, my God!
This house is perfect.

I especially love the warm
embrace of the parlor!

- It screams you.
- No, it screams you, sweetie.

- Oh, dis doggie door, Cam. Look.
- Ooh!

Damn it. Gays.

They come to play.

I'm busy, Gil.

Don't accept any offers
without talking to me first.

My buyer wants in, all right?

I don't know.
We're pretty far down that road.

All right. We'll up the offer.

Gil...

Let me tell you how
this is gonna go down.

First, you're gonna
buy me a lovely dinner.

No, that's not it.

First, I'm gonna buy you
a lovely dinner.

Then I'm gonna
take you in the back...

It's gonna happen!
It's gonna happen!

We're gonna sell the house.

You see, Mitchell?
I told you so.

Yeah!

That's my wife. I better take it.

Hey, hey. Whoa, listen.
Whatever you do,

don't tell her you're
playing golf on a weekday.

You'll be doing dishes all night.

Good call.
Thank you, my man.

Hey, honey. What's up?

Oh, not much.

Just, uh, in a meeting.

You know, working hard,
bringing home the bacon.

No, he's not! He's playing golf!

No.

Um... fore! Nice putt!

Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy?
Huh?

Hey, he had a beer at lunch, too!

What is wrong with you?

You just got thorpedoed!

Come back here.