Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Party Crasher - full transcript

So we're going to Santa Barbara
to pick up the bassinet.

Or we can save five hours

and go around the corner
to Baby Town.

What are you doing all day?

- Jay!
- It's fine, mom.

No, it's not fine.
Today's Manny's birthday.

Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, kid.

Don't worry. Reuben's family's
taking me for a birthday lunch.

You see?
Even the Reubens remembered.

We'll be back at 6:00,

and we're taking you to
a special birthday dinner. Okay?



- We are?
- Jay!

I'm sorry, kid.

I wasn't sorry.
It was a setup.

We're throwing him
a big surprise birthday party.

And he totally fell for it,
the little jerk.

I mean, that's the whole point
of a surprise party.

You take someone
who you really love

and you play 'em like a fool.

That's not the whole point
of all this.

Manny has been feeling
a little bit neglected,

and I wanted to give him
the most special day.

This is the last birthday

that it's only going
to be the three of us.

I can't wait to see
the little dope's face.



...And then that smug
Carol Chu was all,

"you can't dig without
an environment impact study."

And them I was like, "bam!"

And then I slapped
the study onto Charlie's desk,

and Carol was like,
"but--but--but--"

and then I was like,
"chu on that!"

You said that?

Well, not with my mouth.
With my eyes and my swivel.

So how was your day at work?

Oh, you know, fine.

Yeah?

I'm an idiot.

I know Cam's been struggling
since he went back to teaching.

The students, the faculty--

none of it's clicking.

The last thing he needed was me
going on about my latest work triumph.

And then it got worse.

Come on, daddy.
It's time for our wedding.

- What's happening?
- Oh, Lily and I are gettin' married.

Uh, what's happening?

When she proposed,
I thought it was a little weird,

but then I read it's a phase
that some girls go through.

So... oh, no, well, I just think
it's the cutest thing ever.

Here, dad. I made you this ring.

Cute, cute, cute, cute,
cute, cute, cute!

Do you have a ring for me?

Well, Lily, it wouldn't be
a wedding without a ring.

- Yay.
- Loving this!

Daddy, move.

Okay, I guess I'll just go
sit on the groom's side.

Oh, come on, Cam. It's fun.

Oh, it's fun.
It's--it's super fun!

You finally got married!
Hooray!

Oh! Are you okay, sweetie?

What do you think?!

This is very rare indeed.

Geekus nerdipithicus
in its natural habitat,

- alone as usual.
- Mine.

Hey, give it back.

Gloria asked me to record
Manny's birthday. Mom!

Alex, give it back to your brot--
Mmm, sorry. I tried to care.

This is everything I made
at the boutique last week.

I'm not gonna have
any money left for me.

Should've thought of that before
you got thrown out of school.

You live here, you pay rent.

You used to be fun.

You used to be-- what?
Oh, yeah, at college.

Uh, hang on. Wait.

Gloria says that we are surprising
Manny 6:00 tonight,

but she wants us there at 4:00,

which means she's expecting us
to do the setup.

I say we leave here around 5:00.

Great.

That's Kenny from work.

Oh, I'll get it.

We're going to a street fair,

so we'll just meet you
guys at the party.

Oh. You've been spending
a lot of time

- with this Kenny from work.
- Stop it right now.

Is it gettin' romantic?

- N--
- Yeah...

- Well...
- Yeah.

Mom, this is Kenny.
And, dad, you already met.

Uh, yeah. First of all,
Kenny, sick ponytail.

Oh, thanks, man.

- Kenny designs jeans for our boutique.
- Uh-huh.

Oh! That reminds me.
I got something for you.

What are you, a 32-34?

What are you, 36, 38?

- What are you, in my mind?
- Put 'em on your body.

Will do. Will do.

Phil, honey, d-- Uh--

Kenny is kind of a big deal.

What does that fashion
web site call you again?

A "Jean-ius."
Spelled like "jeans."

- Oh.
- Mortifying.

- And a "rack star."
- Ohh.

Hey, what was the headline again?

Oh, yeah. "He's denim-ite."

What an embarrassing week
you've been having.

- Ooh. Yeah.
- Mm.

I'm just trying to stay fresh
creatively, you know?

Made my bones in men's apparel,

and now I'm working
with these local boutiques...

Just trying to get
into girls' jeans.

- Phil!
- There's no Phil here!

These jeans just slipped
on me so perfectly,

my name must be pantsarella.

- Boom!
- Comfortable, right?

- Like a diaper.
- Mm.

- Well, we should get going.
- Oh, yeah.

Um, but you wanted
to say... something.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
- Yeah. Okay.

Uh, listen...

You made it seem like
you had jeans for both of us,

and Claire hasn't gotten
hers yet, so...

- I am so sorry.
- Don't worry about it.

Here you go.

- Enjoy.
- Kenny, you're amazing.

No, man. Have fun.

You're amazing.

I love him.

Phil!

- You think he likes me?
- Phil!

That is a date.
They're going on a date.

What? He's practically my age.

Okay. Uh, yeah, right, right.

And what middle-aged guy
would be interested

in a young, attractive,
newly legal woman?

Oh, that's right! All of them.

That's not true. I wouldn't.

Really?

Hermione Granger?

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm just a "Harry Potter" fan.

Yeah.

Has she blossomed
into a lovely young lady?

Yes, but-- Luke, I'm never
telling you anything!

Oh, my God, Jay!
Look how beautiful!

Look at this.
But the bookstore is empty.

That's why China's kicking our ass.

33!

Ay, no. 59.

We're so late, and we still
have to pick up the drinks.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry.
Excuse me.

Sir? This is my cake right here.

How about I'll just
leave money, I take it?

Sir, if I did for you,
I'd have to do it for everyone.

Not if you just did it for me.

33!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Mm.

We're in a hurry.
We have a birthday party.

Oh, why didn't you say something?

We don't see many
of those around here.

You think you can intimidate me
with that attitude?

- What do I look like to you?
- 34!

Thank you, but the point is
that my son is waiting in--

Gloria, it's not worth it.
We don't need these people.

- Jay, we need--
- Come on. We'll get a better cake.

Are you crazy?
How are we gonna--

I've got it covered.
Excuse me, miss?

I'm sorry I raised
my voice in there,

especially in front of the baby.

I know how delicate they can be.

Oh, you're so nice to say that,

- but you know they're sturdier
than you think. - Yeah.

In fact, every day
I learn these little mir--

Yeah, take care now.

Hey, honey.

Daddy, what's in the bag?

Oh, it's a present for Manny,

and I also got your other
daddy a little something

'cause he's been
feeling down today.

How's your eye, sweetie?

Oh, it's fine.
It's just a scratch.

Let's go this way, honey.

Oh, Cam, are you wearing
a suit to Manny's birthd--

Oh, wow.

Okay, let's get
your hospital band off.

I like it.

- Okay, that can be your
"something blue" then. - Cam?

Daddy, I wanna drive my car.

A car? Oh. A car.

Just a second, sweetie.

Okay, does anyone know a reason
why these two shouldn't be wed?

She's my wife.

Okay, so by the power vested in me

by the state of Candy Land...

And Utah.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Daddy, I wanna play
with my car now.

Okay. Of course. Yes, sweetie.

But remember, we have
to walk down the receiving line.

Oh! What a turnout.

Cam, y-you got her a car?

I can't help it that you
skimped on your wedding.

Okay, look, I-I know what's
underneath all this, all right?

Right now in your life,

- you're feeling, you know, very--
- No.

Please do not turn me marrying
my daughter into something ugly.

Lily is having the time of her--

Cam!

Oh, please. Do not blame me.

We always knew there was
a strong possibility

she'd be a terrible driver.

I know we're running late, Claire.
We'll be there soon.

Just start setting up.
What do you mean, "surprise, surprise"?

- Ay. Ugh!
- Hang on. I've gotta go. You take care.

- What's the matter?
- Jay, I can't find the parking ticket.

Calm down.
Everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, good. It's a male attendant.

What does that mean?

How would you get out
of this situation if I wasn't here?

- Mm!
- Hey, pal,

my housekeeper forgot her ticket.

You're going to need to back up,
go up to the third level,

and find the pay station.

Ay, you can't just let us go?

I know I put it somewhere here
but I cannot find it now.

Pay station. Third level.

Maybe you can let us go now,

and then next time
I do you two times?

The only way you're going to get out

is to go back to the pay station.

Actually, there is another way.

- Aah!
- You okay?

Let's drive through something else!

The gala celebration
is only minutes away.

Delectable refreshments,

excited classmates,

and what's this?
The most beautiful sight of all?

Go away!

He's old. She's young. It's gross.

Honey, nothing's happening.

Young people seek out
older mentors all the time.

When I was 17,

I was really close with
my friend Stacy's mom.

Mrs. Robinson was
a former cheerleader,

so she knew just how to massage
my legs after practice.

She had her own homemade
bengay that didn't burn

no matter where
she rubbed it on me.

If I had the chance
to go over there,

I never missed an opportunity.

I think maybe you did.

Oh, I forgot the present in the car.

Oh. All right. I'm gonna go take
a squirt while you grab it.

- Oh! Hey!
- Oh, my...

- I know!
- I love us!

It's crazy! Mwah!

- I'm gonna fight him.
- Phil.

No, Claire, I'm gonna
fight him up real nice.

How about you start with a threat?

Hey, Claire, um, could you
help me with this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta go
around the other side.

- I need to keep my eyes on Phil.
- Ooh, what's happening?

He's about to drop the hammer
on Haley's new boyfriend.

He's twice her age,
and it's disgusting.

Yeah, reminds me of a certain manager
at the Cheesecake Factory

that you dated.

- Oh. Todd.
- Mm.

He had a Camaro... and power.

Ugh! He was nasty.
You just did it to get a rise out of dad.

Yeah, well, look how well
that worked out.

It didn't bother dad at all,
and then I was stuck with a guy

who smelled like potato skins
and said "supposably."

Well, you have to admit,
dad played that pretty brilliantly.

You know, after a few weeks,

you got bored with him,
and then you dumped him.

I did.

I dumped him up real nice.

- Phil.
- Claire. Oh, come on.

Phil, you can't say
anything to Kenny.

- What?
- No.

I know why Haley is doing this.

She's doing it to get back at you
for being so hard on her.

I did the same thing to my dad.

First of all, I'm not your dad.

And do you think
I'm just gonna let this happen?

Trust me.
The more it bothers you,

the longer he stays.

The more we ignore it...

Up top, dad!

Yeah!

Nailed it.

The sooner Willie Nelson's
on the road again.

I'm so conflicted.

What you're saying
makes sense up here,

but it's not what I wanna do here.

And I just feel so damn
comfortable down here.

I forgot to tell ya
I put that in the trunk.

- Oh, I know. I had to reach
under your jeans. - Oh!

- I can't believe that!
- We're so crazy!

It's adorable! Mmm!

Wanna see outside?

Yeah.

Sweetie, I brought you a cookie.

I ate at the emergency room.

Oh. You worked that in seamlessly.

Oh, come on.
It was-- it was an accident.

Stop beating yourself up.
Hey, let's go mingle.

No. You know what?

Some of my students are here,
and I'm just--

- I'm not in the mood.
- All right.

Cam, we're gonna talk about this.
I know what's going on.

You're obviously going
through something at school.

You're struggling, and I have
just made things worse

by bragging about what a hero
I've been at work recently.

And it--it's--
it's not a competition.

You know, my victories
are your victories.

- Your defeats are my defeats.
- Hey, Mr. Tucker!

There he is!

- We love you, Mr. Tucker!
- We love you! - You're the best!

- Bye! Bye!
- He's-- yeah.

Yeah, it's been a nightmare.

And thank you for assuming
I'm terrible at my job.

No. Um...

Hey, everybody.
Sorry we're late.

We got caught doing
a bunch of stuff.

Or not doing a bunch of stuff.

Okay, Manny is going
to be here soon,

so let's go over the plan.

When we hear him coming,
we turn off the light.

Then when he comes in
and turns it on,

we all scream "surprise!"

You got a pen?
I wanna write this down.

He's coming up the driveway!

He's here early! Hurry up!

Hurry! Hurry!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Quick. I don't want
the neighbors to see us.

You're sure we're alone?

Yeah. They're not home till 6:00.

Good, 'cause I wanted to give you
your birthday present.

Actually, I'd like to see your face.

It's harsh, I know.
I begged them to put in a dimmer.

No!

Surprise.

Manny, we're so sorry.
We didn't mean to--

What? Ruin the greatest
moment of my life?!

Thanks again, mom!

And the surprised
becomes the surpriser.

This party had everything.

Manny?

Manny, please come out.

Unless you're here to cut
a food slot on my door,

you can leave now.

Nobody's going to make fun of you.

Kids make fun of you
if you get a haircut.

I just gave them
a full-blown sex scandal.

No, everybody's so excited
to celebrate with... you.

Ay, no.

The baby was ready,
but I was not.

It was bad enough that Manny
had to share his mother.

I couldn't let him
share a birthday, too.

You stay in there!

I thought you wanted me
to come out.

I do! I do! Come out!

We stole you
a beautiful birthday... cake.

Gloria, tag out.
Let me give it a shot.

Yes, you fix it.

Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, kid.
That was rough.

Go away!

But there's an upside.

The best thing about kissing a girl

is you get to tell your friends.

The problem is,
they never believe you.

But you had witnesses.

Ha! We're gonna be talking about this
one for years to come, aren't we?

You said it, Kenny.

Manny seems to me like a--
like a real old soul.

- Kenny is amazing at telling
the age of a soul. - Mm-hmm.

- Aw! Thanks, babe.
- Oh!

Age is nothin' but
a state of mind, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm probably more of
a 14-year-old than he is, and...

Mm-hmm. Believe me,
I know 14-year-olds.

He has a 14-year-old daughter.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Oh, cool!

Oh, honey! You don't have to do that.
They have a gardener.

Trust me on this.

I want to,

but you're just so wrong
about so many things.

Just keep practicing.

Hey, Cam, I-I'm so sorry
that I insulted you earlier.

I thought that there was
something going on at work,

and, ugh, obviously,
I was wrong.

Well, you're wrong again.
It is about work.

This is a fun game.

I didn't bring it up before
because I was embarrassed.

But yesterday was the best day
I've had at work yet.

I clicked with the students,
the teachers.

- I finally felt like I belonged.
- I get it.

You couldn't possibly get it.
I'm in the middle of my story.

I'm sorry.

Every day at 2:30, I call Lily,

and we dunk a cookie together.

And yesterday...

I forgot.

Forgot my own daughter.

And obviously,
she resents me for it.

It's why she asked you to marry her,
to get back at me.

Okay, here I-I need
to point out that she's 5

and not a character from "Dynasty."

And as much as I try
to connect with her,

I just keep making it worse.

Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Everybody, come in!

Manny's coming... down.

Somebody pick up that towel
before someone trips.

Okay. I got it.

Daddy!

Okay! Daddy's coming!
What's wrong with me?!

Okay, everybody. So...

We sing, then presents, then cake.

That's a Colombian tradition.

And we do not speak
of what happened before.

Nobody saw anything.

That's another Colombian tradition.

Here he is, the man of the hour!

Gloria, you okay?

No, I'm fine! I'm fine.

Hap-- Aaah! Aah!

No way! She peed!

Her water broke!

So far, 14's not my favorite age.

No, it's nothing!
Keep singing! Keep singing!

We're gonna pop on
over to the hospital.

Pizza's on the way.

You think about it,
run a mop over this area?

Ay, Manny! I'm so sorry, okay?

And the birthday video
becomes a nature film.

Luke, come on.

Oh, my gosh! It's happening!

Ay. Ay, Manny,
I am so sorry about today.

I just wanted you to have
a happy birthday.

And speaking of birth-- days...

Don't listen to him.

I'm not letting this baby out
before midnight.

This is your day.

I'm not gonna let you
share it every year, okay?

Mom, look.

Yeah, I've felt
a little neglected lately,

but I've had you
to myself for 14 years.

That makes me a little sad.

Oh, please. If we had actually
forgotten his birthday,

he'd be out right now
kissing a cute brunette.

Things work out.

You know that I love you
no matter what?

You're trying to hold
another person inside of you

to spare my feelings.
Message received.

Ooh, that's a strong grip.

Ah, that's a--that's a-- that's a-- ooh! Ooh.

Oh, jeez!

Ah, she's gettin' close.

She's at, like,
8 beautiful centimeters.

Hey. I don't think we've met.
I'm Kenny.

Hi. I'm disgusted.

Mitchell, she won't even look at me.

Well, she can't really
look at anyone.

Oh! Look who's back...

Again. What happened this time?

He threw me in the pool.

- Uh-- oh, no.
- No, that's not what happened.

It kind of is.

Luke, come on.
We don't need to relive it.

- Daddy!
- Oh, look at this.

- I'm coming! Daddy's coming!
What's wrong with me?! - Mitchell.

When she fell in the pool,
she screamed for daddy.

She calls you "dad."
She calls me "daddy."

- She got scared, and she
called out for me. - See?

I guess daddy was
worrying about nothing.

But, you know,
I can be silly sometimes.

- You're always silly.
- No, you're silly.

No, you're always silly.

No, you're always silly.

Oh, my God.
What's wrong with me?

The contractions are
coming a little bit closer.

I think we have
to call for a nurse.

No, no, Jay! No, please!
I'm sorry.

For what?

I don't know yet,

but I know that babies
make mothers crazy.

And I'm going to be
making mistakes,

and the I'm going
to be blaming you.

Please don't leave me

you're a little emotional right now.

But it's been so long for me,

and a hundred years for you.

Are we still going
to be good at this?

It's gonna be an adventure,

but that's what you and I do best.

Look at today.

I can't ever remember
having more fun with you.

I'm so lucky.

Now get out.

- But I thought you wanted me to--
- No, not you.

Get out!

Hey. Let's go.

Oh, right. Um...

Hey, guys?

So Kenny and I were thinking
about going to this restaurant.

Oh, sure. I don't have a problem
with that. Do you, Phil?

No.

In fact, it has been such a pleasure

getting to know Kenny,
it's our treat.

Are you kidding?

No!

Give them your credit card, Phil.

Also, uh, this restaurant
is pretty far away,

so we might be out late.

Well, sweetheart,
you are only young once.

Oh, might even make sense
to just stay in a hotel.

Okay. Put it on the plastic!

Great!

Okay. See you tomorrow!

Buh-bye.

Ugh. It's my ex-wife--

Not the good one.

What do you want?!

Nice game of chicken, Claire.
She's gone!

She is coming back.
I am almost positive.

- Almost?!
- Mm-hmm!

Why do I listen to you? Why?

You were wrong about
the iPod being a failure.

You were wrong about
tomato being a vegetable.

I don't even want to talk about
your favorite "planet" Pluto!

And unless she was lying
to the good ladies of "The view,"

it's "De-mi," not "Dem-mi"!

You were going
to let me go with him?!

Isn't that what you wanted, honey?

What's the matter with you?!

You've been acting so weird
ever since I left college!

For the record,
you didn't leave college.

You were asked to leave.

Oh, which you guys never
let me forget, especially dad.

Honey, your father--

Oh, you don't have to tell me
what he thinks, okay?

I'm a huge disappointment to him.

I see it on his face every day.

He acts as if he doesn't
even want me around.

Give me the ticket for the car.

- Phil--
- No, I'm going after her!

This little chicken game
may work for you dad,

but it doesn't work for me.
That's my little girl.

I need her to know

that no guy on earth
is good enough for her,

let alone some slimy,
middle-aged jean salesman!

What's this?

Just enjoy it.

There's all kinds
of milestones in life,

the kind you expect
to live through--

the first kiss.

Birthdays...

Graduations.

If you're lucky,
a wedding or two.

Or even a new addition
to the family.

Then there's the kind

you never dreamed you'd get
to live through again.

So adorable!

So sweet!

Oh, my goodness!

Look at him. He's perfect!

Look at him. He's so cute!

And that's the best kind of all.

Why am I spoiling it for you?

You'll see for yourself.

- Oh, was it difficult?
- Ay, si.

It was the most painful
20 minutes of my life.

Oh, well, look at that!

- You're skinny again.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

So wait.
He-- he's my uncle?

No. He's your half-brother-in-law.

He's our uncle.

Half-uncle or full uncle?

What's a fuluncle?

Okay, so don't feel like
you gotta stick around.

- Okay. We'll see you tomorrow then.
- Okay, we'll be back tomorrow.

- Bye, uncle.
- Congrats.

- Bye.
- He's adorable!

Is he?

- I don't like this one bit.
- We'll talk.