Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - After the Fire - full transcript

As the family collects goods for a family whose house burned down, Jay makes an embarrassing remark to Phil during a massage, Claire is jealous of Mitchell's friendship with Gloria, and Cameron struggles with a moving van in a parking lot.


Oh, thank you so much
for the donations.

I wish I could do more, it's just
a bunch of out of date clothes.

Oh, I'm sure it's great.

Three weeks ago,
our neighbours the Rands

lost their house and everything
they owned in a fire.

Fortunately, nobody was hurt.

And fortunately, they're friends
with wonder woman over here.

I'm hardly wonder woman.

She mobilized the community
to donate clothes,

furniture, appliances,

all to help them start over
in their new rental.

- Which you found them.
- I'm no Wonder Woman.

Rand-aid was her idea.

It wasn't my idea to
call it "Rand-aid."

Okay, fine.

I'm Wonder Woman.

Terrible tragedy.

They're our closest friends.

We know them.

Uh, Manny and their
son Reuben are tight.

In fact, I put in one
of their closets.

Not that it matters,

but it was the only structure
to survive the fire.

Por favor,
don't even say that word!

In my country it is considered
very, very bad luck

when your house burns down.

They lived a block away from us.

Smoke was everywhere.

I was so upset,
I couldn't sleep for days.

Of course, Mitchell
won't let me take anything.

Well, Cam, we both know why.

Some people have been
known to sleepwalk

or even sleep drive
on that medication.

Cam's reaction is much worse.

Oh! Ohh!
Oh, God.

I sleep clown.

Dad, you're gonna kill yourself.

- I got it!
- We're on a schedule here.

I still have to pick up the truck.

If you want him
to stop lifting things,

put all this in grocery bags

and turn the TV on
to a football game.

Oh! Take this phone
away from me!

Why?

Two of our best brokers left
to start their own agency,

and the office gossip is flying.

But I want today to be
about the Rands...

And if I have this--
Oh, my God!

Those guys took two secretaries

and the tube dude with them!

Who's the tube dude?

You know, the blowy guy
that attracts all the attention.

This guy...

Ah, si, I've seen him.

He goes down over there,
and then he shakes up.

- And goes down in there, and then...
- You almost got it.

And then goes down.

Hi, hi, sorry. We would
have been here sooner,

but this one had
a wardrobe crisis.

You know,
it's a somber occasion,

and all my tops are too joyful.

- You do not want our problems.
- No.

- Oh, here, Jay, let me help.
- No, I got it.

- Aah! My back!
- Dad!

No, Jay, that's not quite it.

Remember, you got air
blowing through you,

so it's more like...

And then out.
And then out.

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Leave me alone. I'm fine.
I've gotta pick up that truck.

I'd be happy to get the truck.

I don't think so.
It's a pretty big truck.

Oh. Is it--is it bigger
than the combine

I've been driving since
I was 12 years old?

Or the Windrow tractor
with the Macdon header

that I drove to
and parallel parked

at my High School prom? Hmm?

At least something
got plowed that night.

Heard that!

Oh, son of bitch!

Your low back is in spasm, Jay.

I can massage that out for you.

I'm fine. Dad, you don't
know what you're missing.

Phil is a magician.

And a licensed masseur.

Before I heard the siren song
of residential real estate,

I was bitten by the rub bug.

No, he's--he's amazing.
I had this knot in my leg,

two minutes with Phil
and it was gone.

I'm sorry, but I think you might
have a higher tolerance

for a man's hands
on your body than I do.

- Charming.
- Ay, don't be an idiot.

Let Phil help you.

Fine.

Great! I'll just go
get the room ready.

I'll think you'll be surprised
with what these hands can do.

Really? Can they drive
a bobcat skid-steer

with a bucket grapple through
a school hallway on a dare?

Because these can and have.

Poor Reuben, huh?

Having to rebuild
his whole life at age 12.

Yeah. That blows.

I know we're both shaken up,
but let's watch the language.

Okay, put this in a safe place.
It's for Reuben.

It's one of those, um,

how do you say again,
the takka-takka-takka...

Is that the helicopter
with the camera in it...

- Mm-hmm.
- That you control with your phone?

The one I asked for?

Okay, when your house burns down,

you get one of these.

Now don't burn your house down.

How lucky is Reuben?

So lucky.

You know what?
I say we take this thing out

- and see how she flies.
- I don't know. My mom got it for Reuben.

Oh, so now he won't
even share his toys?

He never does.

Screw that guy!

Yeah!

You're a terrible influence.

You need me.

Claire, in case you want
to add something,

I put the box of dresses outside

and this is the box
of snicker snackers.

Mm. Thanks.

Mitchell, we did have something
to add to this box of, um...

Snicker snackers.

What?

English is not her first language.

She's just trying to help.

Mitchell, come on.
You can't do that.

You can't just change the rules.

This is what we do.

When Gloria says something silly,

we innocently laugh
behind her back.

She's had a rough week,
all right?

She's really worried
about tia Maria Cecilia

and that surgery.

Oh, and then she lost
her cell phone at pilates.

- How do you know this?
- We have coffee.

Oh. Have?

So when did this become,
like, a thing?

What's the big deal?
We're friends. I like Gloria.

Uh, it's no big deal.

I have nothing against her,
I just think-- Oh!

Mm. All right.

So before you get all judge-y,
I gave her that vase.

After I gave it to you.

You couldn't part
with that T-shirt?

I love this shirt.

You know, you don't have
to look the way you look.

Amber rand lost
all her clothes in a fire,

but she gets to build
herself a new wardrobe.

Let me burn your clothes.

Girls, get down here.
There's a lot of work to do.

- Ugh. She's in a mood.
- You know what we have to do, right?

- There's no way you're my real sister!
- I hate you! I can't believe you would ever--

- you're the most selfish--
- Okay,

That's it! I cannot take the fighting!

Just get out of the house.

Works every time.

You know, I don't even
wanna drive the truck anymore

even though on the farm I was--

I can't take another farm story.

Yay! You might wanna
take someone with you.

The thing's been parked
there six months.

You're gonna want to hose it down,
sweep for spiders.

Good news, girls.
You're going with Uncle Cam.

Yay!

The pain must have
been pretty bad

if I was asking Phil for help.

His need for my approval
is exhausting.

In ten years, I've asked him
for one thing--

to hook up my wireless printer.

He still won't shut up about it.

How's that printer
working out for you?

Still loving that printer, eh?

You know, if your printer
breaks from here,

I can fix it on my phone.
Can you?

I can, but I don't need to,

because I fixed it forever.

Just once,
I wish he wouldn't make

such a big deal about everything.

Okay.

Now just disrobe and place
the towel over your buttocks.

Riding the open road

in a big rig like this

sure can work up a man's
powerful appetite.

We've gone five blocks.

- Do you want a burger or not?
- I could eat.

Hey, Alex,

maybe Uncle Cam will let you
borrow his hat later.

You know, since
you dress like a dude.

I like the way I dress.

Uncle Cam, as her
future prom date,

will you please talk to her?
You know fashion.

First of all, you're each
beautiful in your own way,

but you're both
playing for second,

because I'm too sexy for...
this truck.

I have to say, you do
drive it surprisingly well.

Yeah, who would have thought?

Surprising?

What, that--that a gay man
can drive a truck?

You know, I expect that kind
of thinking from Jay's generation.

But from our future generation?

No.

Wow. This place got crowded.

Whoa. You're really
wedged in there.

You want us to help
guide you out?

That question--

it was like a hate crime.

Sorry!

Hey, you're really
close on this side.

Yeah, I see it.

- Careful!
- I'm being careful.

Gasping? Really?

Holding hands?
We're not in a nosedive.

Okay, you know what,

if it would make you feel better,
get out and guide me.

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Please don't yell at me,
but there's not enough room.

Okay, climb over.

You're fine.

You know, the native Americans
believe that burning sage

kept bad energy away.

How'd that work out for 'em?

Get to the back.

That's the spirit.

Thank you.

I just need to make sure
that the oil is a perfect 98.6.

And it is perfect.

Now I want you
to take a deep breath

and let me transport you to a land

I call relaxistan.

Oh, what the hell?
Get off me.

I knew this was a terrible...

Oh, mama Lucian, that's good.

So you wanna try it?

I don't know.
I'm still feeling guilty.

It's Reuben's helicopter.

Reuben is the whole reason
we should be doing this.

He's barely living proof that
life can change in a second.

You gotta grab what
you can when you can.

What is this hold
you have on me?

Wow.

Okay, now ease up.

Okay, I'm easing up.
Okay, it's not working.

- Get ahold of yourself, Manny!
She's getting away! - I can't--I...

- I can't hold her!
- Give it to me!

Mayday! Mayday!

Oh, well.

What do you mean "oh, well"?
My mom's gonna kill us.

Us? You were flying it.

I was in the attic packing boxes.

You're gonna help me find it,

or the next search
will be for you.

I like this guy.
Where's he been?

Just relax.

Let me know if I'm hurting you.

Are you kidding me?
It's fantastic.

I love you.

This! I love this!

It just slipped out.

Those are the worst three words
I could say to Phil.

I was just praying
he would let it go

and not make a big deal about it.

Oh, my God.

This is huge.

Jay, I'm sorry.

I need a minute.

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, these are fantastic.
Why is Manny getting rid of them?

He said that they
were last season.

I used to have a pair like these.

I can never find 'em anymore.

Oh, there's an outlet store.

They don't have men's size,

but I'm sure the biggest
size for boys

would fit you perfectly.
I'll take you.

- All right. It's a date.
- Oh. Another date.

Claire, I heard what
happened with the vase,

but I don't want you
to worry about it.

I'm so sorry. I should have
told you about that sooner.

It just--I have really been
shaken by this whole fire thing.

You know, life is so fragile.

I know, like a vase.

You tattled on me?

She asked me about it.
What was I supposed to do?

Why are you making those
cruel sounds with your mouth?

You don't see it?

You're turning Gloria into mom.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

First you got
all defensive of her,

and then you tattled on me to her.

That's exactly what
you did with old mom.

It's what you're doing
with new mom.

- Okay, okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Only you could make
my friendship with Gloria

into something ugly.

Don't get me wrong.
I think it's sweet.

We've all got our thing.
You have mommy issues.

I do not have mommy issues!

Okay. So I pick you up tomorrow,

we go get you
your big boy pants,

and then we go and get
a little ice cream, okay?

Perfect. Yeah.

Hi.

You still don't feel very good?

I told Phil I loved him.

Oh. It was an accident.

- You know how he gets with that stuff.
- Ay, I know.

Jay, can I talk to you later
about what just happened?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Jeez, I just worked that out.

You're screwed.

Today is the biggest
day of my life.

Just relax.

Let me know
if I'm hurting you.

Are you kidding me?
It's fantastic.

I love you.

This! I love this!

Oh, my God.

This is huge.

Jay, I'm sorry.
I need a minute.

The two guys who left the firm
asked me to quit my job

and partner with them
at the new agency.

Big opportunity,

big risk,

and they need an answer
by the end of the day.

I don't always make great
decisions under pressure.

What the hell is that?

An alpaca.
I got the last one.

Come on!
Move that truck!

I hate you!

Okay, so... I flirted
with a table of truckers

who have offered to help us.

No! No help!
I've come too far!

Have you?

Oh, hey! They don't sell
pizzas at this restaurant!

You parked here illegally!

Congratulations, sir.
You're destroying America.

- Hey, there are no cars behind us. Go!
- Gun it!

- Oh! Ow!
- All right! All right! Everybody relax!

We're fine! We're fine!

We are not fine!
And we're all smooshed!

And we're scared!
And we're tilted at a 30-degree angle!

Nerd! And we're dirty
and tired and late!

Okay!
Can you please just be quiet!

Why couldn't we have
just asked for help?

'Cause I'm teaching you girls
a very valuable lesson--

that gay men can do anything
straight men can do.

Yeah, we know that.

Do you think you're the
only gay guy that we know?

Yeah. My soccer coach is gay...
our pediatrician...

- My Latin tutor.
- Nerd! Our electrician.

Well, then why
were you so surprised

when I said I could drive a truck?

Not because you're gay,
because you're you.

And by the way, you can't.

Okay, wow.
I guess I owe you an apology.

I made a leap there.

I'm just used to dealing
with stereotypes.

I'm a little sensitive about it.

Oh! There's the trucker
that I talked to.

Hey! Excuse me! Hi!

Could you give us a hand, please?

Sure thing, sweetie.

Oh, like she'll be able to help us.

Boy, do you have the right idea.

Could use a little break from
the mother and child reunion

going on down there.

Don't ask.

Mitchell's turning Gloria into mom.
Bam! It's out. Hmm.

You remember the way mom
and Mitchell used to be

in their private little club,

just the two of them, and
no one else allowed in.

Well... it's happening again,

but this time around, it's
happening with your wife.

You should see them down there.

It would actually be adorable
if it weren't so sick.

I just--

you know, I feel like
Mitchell is a grown man,

he has a child,

and he's still working
out some psychodrama

from 20 years ago.

Daddy, can I have a sip
of your beer, please?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Mitchell cozies up to mom,
I go running to daddy.

I'm the one who's turning
Gloria into mom,

which is really disturbing
since we're the same age.

You're older.

Oh. Oh, that's where
we're gonna chime in?

Will you hurry up?

I'm saving my strength

because if we don't
find this helicopter,

I'm walking to Canada.

Hope you like taxes.

Hey!
That's our helicopter!

Is it, now?

I'm sure you have the proper
documentation for that.

Just give it back.
It's ours.

You guys are bullies.

They can't be bullies.
They're nerds.

Don't pigeonhole us.
We can be both.

Is there an issue here?

Uncle Cam, I got this.

Oh, my God, it's Alex Dunphy.

So awesome.

Problem here, boys?

These geeks won't give
us back our helicopter

that we took from Reuben.

Is that right, Abraham?

Oh, my God.
She knows your name.

Helicopter, please.

I love you.

What just happened?

You have your fans, I have mine.

Some day, your fans are
going to work for my fans.

Oh, um, Gloria,

do you mind if I talk to
Mitchell alone for a minute?

It's okay.
I already know what you said,

and I think it's crazy.

Mitchell is not making
me his mommy.

No, I know. He's not, but
I think that I might be.

Okay, now you're going
really, really crazy,

because I am younger than you.

Mm, by 14 months,
so let's settle down.

What is going on with you today?

I... all right, I'm
working this out as I go.

I think maybe seeing you
get all buddy-buddy today

with Gloria made me feel like it did

when you were with mom, and--and...

I don't know.
I-I felt like the odd man out.

Okay. Well, that--that's how I
used to feel with you and dad.

I know. I know.
We--we chose teams,

even during the divorce. It...

Okay, the last couple years,

you and I have been our own team.

You know?
And I don't want that to go away.

So...

I guess I just felt a
little left out today.

Shut up.

Okay, can you two try hugging a box

so that your poor mother doesn't
have to do all the hard work?

I am sorry, Gloria, about
all the mom stuff today.

I just--I got this crazy idea

that you liked Mitchell better than me.

I do like Mitchell better than you.

What?

Ay, please.

Are you going to honestly tell me

that I'm your favorite
person in this family?

I'm not even your favorite
Colombian in this family.

I would love to get closer to you.

You have my number.

But call me quickly
because I book up.

You never saw me.

There you are.

I really need to talk to you.
You really don't.

Jay, please.
It's about work.

I got a text during your massage.

I've been offered a
partnership in a new agency.

Oh.

Good for you!

I'm not so sure.

I mean, there's--there's a big upside,

but I have a stable job right now.

I have three kids, and at least
one of them's going to college.

Worse case scenario, they all go.

Well, what does Claire think?

I haven't told her yet.
I wanted to talk to you first.

You've done this.

Well, I think that there's
only really one question.

Whether I'm ready to
run my own company?

Ah, you're great with people.

We know you're a good salesman.

You've managed to provide a
good living in tough times.

Then what?
Is this the right time?

Never a perfect time.
House could burn down tomorrow.

Question is, do you want this?

Yeah.

Yeah, I really want it.

Then gamble on yourself.

I'd gamble on you.

I'm gonna do it.

There you go!

Thanks, Jay.

Hey, look, I know you were
reluctant to get that massage,

but I think we can both agree
it had a happy ending.

Please don't say that.

If I could only save one
possession in a fire,

probably my first set of golf clubs.

My old man gave 'em to me.

The engagement ring that Jay gave me

that changed my life.

Lily's adoption papers.

I was gonna say adoption papers.

So I guess, then, I would
say my mom's recipe book.

All our family photos...

Which I keep on my iPad,

so my iPad.

As long as I have my family,

I wouldn't need anything else.

Aw, man!

Come on! What?

You say something like that,
it makes us all seem petty.

Yeah. Well...

I know.

Hiss!

Shh! Cam's sleeping.
I don't wanna wake him.

He's had a rough day.
Not as rough as grandpa's truck.

Shh! Thank you so much for driving me.

I really didn't want to
ride in that big rig.

It was amazing.
Everybody was honking,

and I learned, like, five new curse words.
Mostly from Cam.

Oh, I'm glad I could
give you a laugh today.

You know, I didn't know that's
what I was to you people--

- a big joke.
- No, honey, it wasn't like that.

No, we really didn't mean--
Uncle Cam, we love you.

Save it.

I'm going back to bed.

So he's still doing that?

Yeah.
Yeah, but we're working on it.

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