Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Hit and Run - full transcript

Claire leaves Phil at home to watch the kids while she applies to run for public office, Mitchell and Cameron are victimized by a hit-and-run driver, and an annoying client asks Jay to "wow" him.

Hey, sir. Duane Bailey,
running for, uh,

town council reelection.

- Oh, don't look. There's that
jerk Duane Bailey. - Oh, yuck.

I should say something to him, shouldn't I?

I gotta be honest, I was
just working off your tone.

Who's Duane Bailey,
and why do we hate him?

Honey, he's that councilman
who shot down my stop sign.

- Big phony.
- Yeah.

Hey! Duane Bailey, seeking
reelection, town council.

Hope that I can count on your vote.

- Well, you just got it.
- No.

You don't remember meeting me,
do you? Claire Dunphy.

Last month's town council meeting?

Oh, yes I do!

Yes, I remember you.

I want a stop sign.

Just having fun.
Here, have a pen.

"Duane Bailey.

Councilman. Citizen. Puggle breeder."

I love them because they're
a different mix of breeds,

just like America.

I like what he's saying, Claire.

- He isn't saying anything.
- Look at his...

We need a stop sign at our intersection.

Everyone says that,

but pretty soon, we're stopping
at every single corner.

Why don't you go ask Canada
how that's working out?

- He nailed it.
- Hi. Duane Bailey. Hi.

"Actor/writer/director who packs a punch."

- Oh, Sylvester Stallone.
- Sylvester Stallone.

I said it first.

Oh, my God.
This guy brought his kids, Mitchell.

What, to this movie?
Isn't it supposed to be super violent?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep,
but I don't know

that this movie is really
appropriate for children.

I'm terrified to see it.
That's why we're here during the day.

It's okay. We're good.


I tried.

Yeah. All you can do.

You know, I've--I've read this book,

and I know what's gonna happen,
and it's very disturbing.

I really think you might be inviting

some pretty serious nightmares here.

Hey, buddy, they're my kids. I got it.

Yeah, but I don't think you do.

Cam. Cam. He says he's got it, all right?

You said your piece.
Just watch the movie.

Oh, uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.

- I really must insist you not
traumatize your kids... - Cam.

- exposing them to gratuitous violence...
- Stop it. Shh!

- ...and graphic depictions of--
- Daddy, I'm scared.

- Yeah, well, you're gonna be.
- I'm gonna tell you one more time.

- No, I'm gonna tell you one more time.
- Okay.

It was "The muppet" movie.

We were in the wrong theater.

Enjoy the show. I was always
a fan of the muppets,

especially the two guys in the theater

- who wouldn't shut up.
- Just leave.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

- Hello?
- I'm running late.

This knucklehead's kept me
waiting for over an hour.

I never had to wait like this
when his dad was running things.


And soda was a nickel.

Just tell them that
your family is coming over.

This guy fired his own father.

He's not gonna care about my family.

Okay, then just leave.

You don't need his money.

Once a week, I have
eight family members

coming to my house for free food.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay. I see you when I see you.

Are you okay?
What is wrong?

I want to be homeschooled.

Really, Manny?
Do you want me to learn you English?

What is going on?

I have a big report due,

and the teachers don't seem
to care about the substance.

All they care about is the flash.

Manny, sometimes you can be
a little bit old-fashioned.

Remember the first time

you saw the kids with
the backpacks with wheels

and you thought
they were too flashy?

You're going to school,
not boarding a flight to Denver.

It's getting absurd.

Reuben freestyle-rapped
his report on Irish immigrants.

That doesn't even make sense.

Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.

- What is your report on?
- The mafia.

We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.

Oh, no.
We shouldn't have to jazz it up.

Okay, then we go upstairs and
we get your old rocking horse

and we chop the head off.

No, that's a terrible idea.
I love Brownie!

Do you want to send
a message or not?

Jay never wants me
to help him with his business,

and now suddenly, Manny
doesn't want to listen to me either.

It's very frustrating.

I have all the answers.

Hey! There he is.

- Bring it in, Jay.
- How you doing, Joshie?

It's Josh now. Have a seat.

Ah, all right.

So I flipped through your proposal,

and here's the thing--

We're about to build our largest
luxury condo complex yet.

And I have an important
question for you--

What is it you want to build?


See, I was kinda hoping
you'd say "dreams."

I thought that was implied.

Jay, I'm looking for closets
nobody's ever seen before,

you know, a big "wow!"

You know what I'm saying?

You want a nice closet
with sharp design,

quality materials,
and expert craftsmanship.

Uh, I mean,
I want it to be like, bam!

You know, people are gonna
walk in there and go,

"whoa! What do I hang first?"

I wanted to hang myself.

Yeah, let's talk more specific.

What exactly do you like
and what don't you like?

All right, fair enough. Uh...

I don't like this.
This makes me sad.

I do like getting my mind blown.

I love your enthusiasm.

Uh, before I go off
in the wrong direction,

how about an example?

All right, check this out.

So, like, three weeks ago,
I'm down in South Beach.

I walk into this thumpin' club.

Bartender says,
"what do you wanna drink?"

I say, "wow me."

He mixes this thing together.
I take one sip,

and I'm like, "hello, nurse!"

And she's like, "you've been
unconscious for two days."

That's what I want in a closet.

I don't think I need
to hear any more.

Whatcha doing there? Homework?

What do you want?

I need to borrow some money.
It's really important.

How much?



Come on. If you were in trouble,

I would do anything for you.

We're not just sisters.

We're best friends.

Look, I would if I could,

but I don't have any money.

And since we're talking,

I never told anyone
this before, and it...

...Wipe that smug smile
off his stupid face.

His face is stupid.

Oh! I can't believe
ridiculous people like him

end up in office.

Well, why don't you run?

You're smart, you care
about the community,

and you're easy on the eyes when
you put a little effort into it.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, you know,

maybe change out of the sweaty
gym clothes every once in while.

I thought you were talking
about running for office.

Go on.

I'd be lying if I said
I'd never thought about it.

I mean, I know it's a ridiculous
little local thing,

but it might be fun
to get out there and contribute.

Plus I think I'd be good at it.

- You'd be great.
- Mm. How would this work?

I mean, who would be here
for the kids after school?

Who would take them
to practice and recitals

and keep them from
burning the house down?

It must be so hard
being a single mom.

Claire, I will.

If you wanna fly,

- I'm not gonna hold your feet
to the ground. - Hmm.

I wanna be the one
to push you off the cliff.

I think I'm gonna do it.


- Go fly.
- Phil.

- No.
- Oh, Phil!

I'll admit it. I'm turned on
by powerful women--

Michelle Obama, Oprah,
Condoleezza Rice,

- Do you want a fry?
- No, I can't eat.

We should've stayed
and seen "The muppets."

I can't even look at ketchup
without seeing blood.

Ooh, runaway curly fry.
You know these are good luck.

- Mm!
- Oh!

- Oh, my God. What was that?
- We just got rear-ended.

Oh, pull off to the side street.
Pull off to the side street.

- Are you okay? - Oh, I think I cut the
roof of my mouth on the straw.

- Oh, my God. Mm!
- So yes.

Oh, boy.

I am so sorry. This is all my fault.
Are you guys okay?

W-well, I-I sustained
a minor mouth injury.

We're fine. Thank you. It's...

Look, I feel terrible.

Um, don't worry.
I'm gonna take care of everything.

Let me just get my insurance info.

Okay. Thank you.

- Well, he seems nice.
- Yeah.

You know, if this were
a romantic comedy,

this would be our meet cute.

We'd spend the rest
of the afternoon

drinking wine, eating food,

flying a kite, you know,
doing montage-y stuff.

Yeah, am I in this movie of yours?

Yeah, you're the gay best friend.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God! We have a runner!

Um, it's D-W-Y--
I can't read it.

- Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
- Go where?

- We have to chase him down!
- No, we're not supposed to do that!

Help! Stop that car!

He's getting away! Help!

Yeah, you almost got him, Cam.
You almost got him.

He's getting away!


Whatcha doing? Playing?


Do you have any money saved up?

I'm comfortable.

I've saved $1,217.

It wasn't even that hard.

Don't forget your lunch.

Thanks, mom.

Don't forget your
lunch money, buddy.

Thanks, dad.

You bet.

Please. It's really important.

Look, I'd love to help you out,

but I'm not very liquid right now.

It's in a block of ice.

I got the idea

when I heard about rich guys
with frozen assets.


I am running for town council,

and I understand that
I can pick up a form here.

Fourth floor.

- Elevator down the hall.
- Oh.

Beyonce, when'd you
start working here?

Oh, Duane.
He's always saying stuff like that.

Duane Bailey.
Running for reelection.

You're joking.

I just saw you in the parking lot
two hours ago.

Oh, hey. It's you!

Oh, it's you.

What... are you doing here?

I am entering the race
for town council,

and I am running against you.

Oh. Well, don't you have pluck.

No, I plan on winning, so...

Oh, yeah, I bet you do.
Marcia! Rocking the bangs! Love it.

Do you know why,
of all the dogs in the world,

I breed puggles?

Why do I feel like this
is a rhetorical question,

- and you're about to l--
- It's because they're lovable, yes,

but they're also tenacious
hunters who won't quit

until the kill is complete.

Really? 'Cause I feel
like they just yip a lot.

Look, lady, you're going down.

I've won six straight elections.

I don't plan on losing
to some bored housewife,

so don't quit your
lack of a day job.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Excuse me.



Haley did that?

Oh, God. Okay. Um...

I'll call you right back.

For your information, sir,
I am no bored housewife.

No, I-I would kill for "bored."
Why isn't this lighting up?

Oh, it's because it's,
uh, staff only.


Here. Allow me to...

not get that for you.

Good luck!

Dad, I cut my arm.

Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy.

I'll get you fixed up.

Where's mom?

She belongs to the people now.

My allergies are acting up again.

Well, it is your lucky day,

because, missy,

Dr. Dad has everything you need.

Behold the healing powers
of grape flavoring.

Where's mom?

Some people took her.

Drink this.

Listen, guys, your mom is
taking on more responsibilities

outside of the... house,

but don't you worry.

Good old... dad--
Oh, my goodness!

- Ow!
- I'm so sorry!

You punched me!

Dad, you gave me
the drowsy kind.

There's a drowsy kind?!

I have to study for a test!

Oh! It really hurts!

- Well, I'll get you some ice.
- No. No, no, no.

I'll get it.


Oh, you made it.
How was it?


Why? What's wrong, babe?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Do it anyways.

Uh, this stupid kid's been
in the business about ten minutes.

He barely looks at my proposal,

and he says he wants more "wow."

What does he mean by more "wow"?

It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.

What do beavers have
to do with anything?

The beavers--they build
the dams all over the country

so there's no floods,

is the "beaver-ization"
of the Americas.

I'm finding there's less
and less we can talk about.

So why didn't you tell him

that you've been in the business
for such a long time--

it's not gonna make any difference.

He wants to make a change.

And I got a factory full
of people depending on this.

- Yeah, but maybe if you tell him that--
- Gloria, please.

I-I-I've had a tough day.

Can we please not talk about it?

But I want to help.

Trust me.
I wish you had the answers.

I do!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, grandpa.

- Hey, Jay.
- What's with her?

Just tired. Growth spurt.

Hey, hey.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, baby girl.

Hola, Lily. How are you?

Dads are fighting.

No, uh, we're not fighting.

No, not at all, honey.

No. Okay, uh, go play,
sweetheart. Okay?

Let's go play with some blocks.
Let's go stack some blocks.

All right.
Okay, the reason we're fighting

is 'cause this one
thinks he's dirty Harry.

Having a hard time picturing
Clint Eastwood in that shirt.

Okay, let me ask you something.

Today, at a stoplight,
a guy ran into our car,

and then just took off.

I wanted to chase after him.

Kept a level head
and called the police.

Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy
winning the war on drugs?

Okay, so which one of us
did the right thing?

Hit and run.
Gotta chase him down.

I chase the people all the time.

No. No. That's--that's
irresponsible and dangerous.

Okay, well, what if he
had been armed?

He wasn't armed.
He had a Hillary bumper sticker.

This isn't an isolated incident.

This morning he flipped out
at somebody at The Muppet movie.

You saw The Muppet movie without me?

Oh, no.

No, honey.
Just the first two numbers.

- No, Lily. Wait.
- Hi. Hi. Hi. Phil, where are you, honey?

I need to talk to you.
Do you know what our daughter did?

Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.

No, not her. Haley. Haley!

- Come over here. I want to talk to you.
- There she is.

Not a scratch on her.

Do you have something
you want to say to us?

- Uh...
- Mmm... let me help you out here.

Fake I.D.s?

- What?!
- Mm-hmm.

Haley tried to get her and
her friends some fake I.D.s.

I wasn't gonna use
them for drinking.

We just wanted to get
into this club to see a band.

She took a bunch of money
from them and then she lost it.

- How much?
- $900.

- You're kidding me!
- Oh, my God! Oh!

It's not my fault!

I gave money to this guy.
He's the one who ripped us off.

What happened to your face?

- Oh. I ran into a door.
- Yeah.

- What happened to your face?
- Dad hit me.

It was an accident.

- I was trying to open up a band-aid!
- Phil!

What's wrong with her?

- Growth spurt.
- What's wrong with her?

- I drugged her.
- Phil!

I accidentally gave her
the nighttime allergy medicine.

Mm. All right, one thing at a time.

Haley, how are you going
to repay your friends?

I don't know.

I know. You go there
with a couple of guys--

she's gotta get the money back.
Who is this kid?

A guy at school's cousin's friend.
He lives in Gardena.

Well, if you know where he lives,
just call the police.

No cops. We can't afford
a scandal right now.

Claire's running for town council.

That was before,

when I thought you could
take care of the children.

I take my eye off the ball
for one minute,

and I've got one in a coma,
one with a black eye,

and one running a crime ring.

Well, to be fair,
Haley started her crime ring

when your eye
was still on the ball.

It's not a crime ring.

I just gotta get
my hands on that $900.

I know how the mafia
would handle this.

The kid is right.
I'm sick of these smart-ass punks

who keep changing the rules

and think they can get away
with anything they want.

I'm gonna pay this guy a visit.
Haley, text me his address.

- I'm going with you.
- Me, too.

Oh, no. No.
Nobody's going anywhere.

Okay, we're not vigilantes.


No! No weapons!

In my country, it is tradition--

when the men are out
seeking vengeance,

the women-- they stay home,
and they drink.

Sometimes I think you
just make this stuff up.

- Do you want a drink or not?
- Oh, yeah.

So what happened?

You were running for office,
and now you're not?

Mm. I don't really
want to talk about that.

I know. I am sick and tired
of no one needing my help.

You are going to tell me
what is wrong,

and I'm gonna give you
the right answer,

because I have all of them.

So why are you not
running for office?

Because my family
needs me too much.

You saw what just happened.

Why are you not
running for office?

That doesn't work on me.

Why are you not
running for office?!

Because I don't want to lose!

I-- pfft!

I haven't done anything outside
of my house in 18 years.

I don't want the first thing
I do to be a complete failure.


I'm gonna tell you a story
about a little girl

who entered a beauty pageant...

Even though she was very,
very scared

that she was going to lose.

Let me guess. You won.

Of course I won,

but I was talking about
my cousin Maria Conchita.

She had a nose like a toucan,

she stuffed her body
in this bikini,

and at the end,
she finished dead last.

How is that a good story?

Because she faced her fears,
and it didn't kill her.


What killed her
two weeks later was a bus.

Are you serious?

Yes, because she couldn't see
anything coming

with that big nose.

This guy has won six elections.

I am way out of my league.

Look, I don't know
anything about this guy,

but I know that
you're a tough lady,

and I come from a family
of tough ladies.

And I have to say,
sometimes you scare me a little bit.

And I know that you're
strong enough to win

and definitely strong enough
to be okay if you lose.

I scare you?

Are you kidding me?

I want Thanksgiving at my house!

Why does everybody
think I talk like that?

This is it.

W-w-wait. No, no. Come on.
Do we have a plan?

It doesn't seem
like we have a plan.

Yeah, I got a plan.
Either he gives us the money,

or he gets a private performance

from england Dan
and John Ford Coley.

That's not a good plan.
That's not even a good band.

If all you're gonna do is criticize,
just wait by the car.

Okay, fine.

I'll see you in jail.

- It's gonna be a big adjustment
for two of you. - Ugh.

- Yeah?
- You Peter?

What do you want?

You know Haley Dunphy?
You owe her $900.

- We're here to collect.
- You dig?

I tried to call that girl,
like, ten times,

but her voice mail
was always... full.

That does sound like Haley.

So how are you gonna
make this right?

You guys want the money, right?
That's fine.

I don't need any hassle.
Hold on.

I'll just... grab it.

That was easy.

He's lucky he didn't put up a fight.

I would've treated him to a reunion

of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young!

- We got a runner! Runner!
- Aah!

Stop! Stop!


No. No. No.



I got him!

- Oh, my God. You did!
- Don't be so surprised.

Help! He's slipping out
of his skinny jeans.


These are cute.
I totally have these.

- Hmm?
- Ha ha ha!

- Wow!
- There you go!

Oh, you got it back! Thank you!

Hey, don't thank me.
Thank your uncle Mitchell.

He's the one who tackled the guy.

- I got grass stains.
- Well, I will tell you one thing.

I have learned my lesson.

Disappointing my family and friends

is punishment enough.

Nice try.
You're grounded for two weeks.

Okay, we have big news.

Claire has decided
to run for mayor after all.

Thank you, but it's town council.

It doesn't matter.
You're not going to win anyways.

But she's going to be okay.
You see?

I help the people.
Why don't you two let me help you?

Well, I can't speak for Jay,

but I guess I'm just
too proud to ask for help.

Are you serious?
She cuts your steak.

What about you?

I don't want to bother you
with my business.

What else do I do every day?

I don't know. I'm guessing the gym

and... one other thing?

Dad, you should listen to her.
She might really help you.


She could be an asset.


- Asset.
- Heard it.

And look at the shelves over here.

They're for the shoes.
Those are my favorite ones.

So what do you think?


Same... exact... closet.

We never needed
fake I.D.s on the farm.

We figured if a 16-year-old
could drive a tractor,

he could drink a beer.
Not at the same time, of course.

It's Missouri, not Texas.

I used a fake I.D. to get
into an "R"-rated movie--

"the fabulous Baker boys."

I found the title to be misleading.

Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer--
that's all I'm saying.

I remember when I got my fake I.D.

Me, too. Crazy times.

Hell, yeah.
I tried to enlist in the army,

but they saw right through me,
so me and a bunch of guys

drove across state lines,
we got a bunch of booze,

we loaded up on fireworks,
and I woke up in the morning--

I kid you not--
in a Mexican strip joint.


Uh, I used mine to rent some
bowling shoes and kept 'em.

Suckers probably spent months

trying to track down
Dr. Richard Hertz.

Think about it.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg