Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Door to Door - full transcript

Everyone sets their eyes on a goal: Jay is determined to help Manny sell wrapping paper for a school fundraiser; Claire petitions the city for a stop sign to be installed at a high-traffic intersection; Mitchell is hell bent on proving a point with Cameron, and neither one of them will back down; Phil and Luke will stop at nothing to create a viral video sensation; and Gloria is desperate to find Stella after losing him.

So then what happened?

Well, she didn't show up to school the next day,
and I heard that she slept over at his dorm.

No way.

Seriously, are you surprised?
Do you not know Carly?

Have you seen
what she wears to school?

Girls, let's cool it
on the gossip, okay?

It's not right, and Carly's
got enough problems.

What do you mean?

Well, her mom can't get through a soccer
practice without a thermos of Chardonnay,

and don't get me started
on the dad.

That guy-


Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mom! Oh, this is such a
dangerous intersection!

Did I get lipstick
on my face?

No, you're fine.

And consider yourself lucky you didn'tjust
get, like, felt up by your mom.

They need to get a stop sign. What
is your obsession with traffic?

It's an obsession
with safety.

One of these days, Joe Speeder is gonna come
tearin' through here, and somebody's gonna-

Oh, my God!

I'm okay.
Oh! Oh, my God.

I'm okay. Hey, GUYS-

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Gotta keep movin'.
Keep the heart rate up.

Oh. Okay.

How's my face?

- Still good.
- Okay, good.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Gloria, how many times do I have to tell
you to pull your car all the way in?

The gate was open
all night.

We live in a nice neighborhood.
What are you afraid of?

That some money's gonna ?y in, and then
your gardener is gonna have to rake it up?

Jay, I'm going to need you
to cut me a check.

What now? Drama club trip.
Les Mis?rables.

We're selling wrapping paper
to raise money for the tickets.

No, no. Wait, wait. Slow down.
What's the story exactly?

Well, Jean Valjean spent 19 years in prison
for stealing a loaf of bread-

The wrapping Paper-

Nineteen years for a loaf of bread?

How good was this bread?

It wasn't about the bread. It was about
the society where- Focus, people!

Manny, we'll buy
all your wrapping paper.

No, we won't.
No, he's got to learn to sell.

This is the best business training there is.
Hell, the best life training.

Manny, write this down.

A good salesman goes after
Moby-Dick in a rowboat ...

and brings the tartar sauce
with him.

Jay's always telling
me to "write this down."

I don't always catch everything he says.

"Something, something, firm handshake."

"Never take the first room they show you."

I'm not sure who "they" is.

And this one just says "pancakes."

Cam, what's this scribbled on the
Vanity Fair about an adoption agency?

Oh, yeah, they called to say they
wanted to reschedule our home visit.

When? Why didn't you tell me?

This is kind of important.

Well, when does it say?
Uh, who knows?

It disappears
into Jennifer Aniston's hair.

You gotta get
a better system.

There is nothing wrong
with my system.

Ask me anything about any upcoming event,
and I can tell you when and where it is.

When is
the adoption agency visit?

Okay. Is that
a 5 or a curl?

Oh, I hope Jen's
finally found love.

What happened here?

Well, Lily and I woke up
in a French mood,

so we decided
to whip up some crepes.

When are you gonna be in the
mood to wipe up some crepes?

I know, it's a little messy,
but you know what?

I'm gonna clean it up.

- I'm gonna clean it up.
- Will you?

- Just say what's on your mind.
- You never clean up.

Save the gasp.

Cam, whenever you get
creative in the kitchen,

I'm the one who ends up
cleaning it up, okay?

The homemade pizza. Fondue.
Molecular gastronomy.

I'm still cleaning shrimp foam
out of the curtains.

Okay, you know what, Mitchell?
Just go to work, okay?

I'm gonna take Lily to school
and then when I get home,

I'm gonna scrub this place like
a crime scene.

Which it is,
because you've murdered joy.

Hey, buddy.
What's up?

Hey, Dad. Think fast.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

If we had that on tape, it'd be
the greatest YouTube video ever.

We'd get, like, a million hits.
This is our double rainbow!

We need to do it again.

Oh, I would, buddy, but, uh, your mom's all
over me to change a bunch of lightbulbs.

How many moms does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know.

'Cause they get you to do it, sucker.


I laughed,
but ... it hurt a little.

We're home.

Us too.

Oh, great.
You're all here.

What's up, girl?

You know that really
dangerous intersection?

Where desire meets jealousy,
and the result is murder?

Mm-mmm. The one where I almost
killed you this morning.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was my bad.
I got lost in my jams.

speed walkin' and Speedwagon.

Oh! I wasn't even
tryin' for that.


Well, I am getting us
a stop sign.

I called city hall.
And how is this for amazing?

The traffic committee
meets tonight.

I've got goose bumps.
I know! Right?

All I have to do is get 50
signatures, show up, make my case.

It's on.
I am so proud of you.

We all are.

We love when
Mom gets on a project.

Because usually the minute any of us walks
in the door, she gives us something to do.

"Do your homework. Clean
your room." "Put on pants."

Like the queen's comin' over.
Am I right?

So when she's not around or gets busy,
Luke and I capitalize on the situation.

There you are,
my good man.


Let's do it.

Get ya some!

Well, I think
it's awesome.

I'm so glad, because I could really use
your help getting these signatures.

I'll do it. Soon as I change
those lightbulbs you wanted.

Great. Kids?

Crud. You know,
I've got a ton of homework.

Uh, science project.


I need to get started
on my college essay.

You know what? Maybe
I'll write it about you.

You're just so inspirational.
Girl power.

- You rock.
- Thanks, honey.

I do rock.

Stella, down.

Stella, no.
This is very dangerous.

Okay, se?orita, that's it.

Come here, because Jay is gonna be
very mad if something happens to you.

A y, tener que cuidar
perra ahora. Ou? belleza.

Go play with the ball!
See you later.

Now I can cook.
Do my empanada.

The gate. Ay, no.
Ay, no. The gate.

The gate!

Stella, come back!

Hey there, Mr. Salesman.

Can we not talk
about business?

- That bad, huh?
- I gave it everything I got.

Working the dimples,
going big eyes.

It got me two things-
diddly and squat.

- How many houses you hit?
- I don't know.

It must've been at least three.

And that's your idea
of the best you got?

It was very hard on me.
I'm not used to rejection.

Or hills.

Look, you can't quit after three houses.
That's not perseverance.

- What are you sellin'?
- Wrapping paper.

You're selling Christmas.

The excitement of opening presents.
The taste of eggnog.

I do love eggnog.
Write this down.

What's the difference
between "try" and "triumph"?

A little oomph?
A little oomph.

Get it? Of course I get it.
I just said it.

Eeeh! I'm gonna kill you
when I find you, silly dog!

Why don't you come back?

I have a theory. Ay, Cam,
thank you for helping me.

Oh, it's my pleasure.


Oh, my God.
What? You see her?


But I see myself in the role
I was born to play.




Oh, Mitchell, you are
not gonna believe this.

I'm out helping Gloria
look for her dog.

I'm wearing an undershirt, and I'm screaming
"Stella," just like in Streetcar.

Hello ? You didn't
clean the kitchen!

Mitchell, I am an inadvertent
Stanley Kowalski.

- How can you not be delighted by this?
- You promised.

I was called away
for an emergency.

Gloria's lost her dog,
and she's heartbroken.

Where are you, dumb dog?
I hope in a big black hole!

I cannot believe that you
did this to me yet again. Oh.

I didn't do anything.

I cooked a meal
in our kitchen.

Then you left on purpose, knowing I would not
be able to sit here without cleaning it up.

Life is messy sometimes.
Big deal. It gets cleaned up.

You're the one with the problem if you can't
leave a few dirty dishes for a couple hours.

Okay, okay. Fine, Cam.
I'm not cleaning it up.

I mean it.

Perfect. You know what?
Why don't you make it bigger?

You know what?
I will. l-l- I will-

Okay, you know, get ready, because you are
gonna come home to a- to a giant mess.

And I will give him a giant hug
when I get there.


Hey, Dad.
Think fast.

Oh! Wow, buddy.
I'm sorry.

I told you, I gotta change the lightbulbs and
then help your mom with those signatures.

Never mind.

Guess it was
a stupid idea anyways.

I've always said that if my son thinks
of me as one of his idiot friends,

then I've succeeded as a dad.

If he wants to go the wrong way
on the escalator, I'm on board.

If he wants to go into a restaurant
and pretend we're Australian, then-

G'day, mate.

Toss a few shrimp on the barbie
for me and my joey.

Yeah, right? Nicole Kidman?
Men At Work?

Here we go.
Take 12.

- Hey, buddy, I'm home!
- Hey, Dad. Think fast!


Wow. You know, my arm's
starting to hurt a little.

'Cause my face feels great.

Come on, Dad. Let's not
turn on each other.

- We could be here a while.
- Yeah, okay. You're right.

Here we go.
Take nine-

You're not even trying.

Daddy, Fm hungry-

What do you want, honey?

All right.
Well, go get 'em.

It's too high, Daddy.
I can't reach.

For the record,
I am not a neat freak.

In fact, in my first
long-term relationship,

I was the messy one,
which is why she broke up with me.


No, thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me show you how it's done.

Hiya. Jay Pritchett here. Holidays
are just around the corner.

Sorry. I don't believe
in wrapping paper.

What do you mean, you don't believe in wrapping paper?
It's not Bigfoot. It exists.

It's not eco-friendly. It's wasteful.
No, not this stuff.

This paper was made from
100% recycled materials.

I don't think so.

I can't understand
what you're saying.

She's an ugly little
French Bulldog ...

with the tiny ears
and the smooshy face.

What is so hard
to understand?

Maybe I should translate.

I really don't like people coming to my door
unannounced while I'm working on my carving.

I understand. But a stop
sign is really important.

What exactly
are you carving?

Hello, ma'am.
Do you love Christmas?

Actually, I'm Jewish.

Well, then you must
appreciate a good value.

Ah, geez.

If you see her,
let us know.

Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no!

Are you kidding?

See, you're not keeping
your head in the right position.

I know that's me, but I'm not
remembering any of this.

- Oh! Stupid neighbors.
- What's wrong?

I can't ask for a simple signature,

but it's fine for them
to build a house ...

that looks like the Beverly
Hillbillies just moved in.

Did you do any better?

We came close
a few times, but-

You're not talking about
the basketball, are you?

Phil, tell me
you got some signatures.

I have to be at city hall
in, like, two hours.

Oh, God.
Haley, how about you?

I've been busy
with my college essay.

- Really? Where is it?
- It's in a rough, rough draft right now.

I've been thinking that
maybe that I should-

Alex has been Skyping with her
boyfriend since you left.

That's so not true!

Thank you, really. Thank all
of you so much for your help.


Sometimes those things need to
warm up, like a car. Phil, don't even!

I have been out there trying to do
something good for our community ...

because, let me tell you,
change doesn't just happen.

It is forged
by empowered women ...

like me and Norma Rae
and the lady from The Blind Side.

You know what the difference is
between me and her?

Blind Side's family had her back.

Huddle up, everybody.

Your mother's right.

She's the quarterback of this family, and
we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

She just said the mom
was Blind Side.

Well, she's confused. Blind Side was
the black kid who played tight end.

Offensive line.

African-American kid.

There she is! Oh!

?Ay! Stella!

Ay. Thank God you found my dog.
Thank you!

This is my dog.
Her name's Pinky.

No, it's not. Her name is Stella. It
says right here on the tag. Look.

Uh, excuse me.
Hi, sweetie.

What's your name?

Shut up.
Mitchell would die.

Listen, we don't know you. You seem
like a very sweet little girl.

Right now we're forced to- I can't
believe I'm saying this to you-

rely on the kindness
of strangers.

I'll sell her to you
for $200.

That's it.
Give me my dog!

Really? The little girl thinks
because she can scream,

she can get away
with everything?

I can scream too.

What the hell sound
is that?

Coyotes must've
got a cat.

Jay, can we stop now?
I'm getting hungry.

You know what the problem is?
You're not hungry.

I had a carrot at 3:00.

What if you couldn't feed your family
unless you made this next sale?

What if you were gonna
lose your house?

I know I was pushing the kid
hard, but here's the thing.

I'm an older dad.
I'm not gonna be around forever.

And I'll sleep better knowin' he's
got somethin' to fall back on.

Come on, let's hit another one.
I can't do it.

What? I don't have
what it takes.

What kind of talk is that?
it's the truth, Jay.

I'm not a great salesman.
I'm not a great businessman.

I'm not you.

Do you know what it's like to see all
the amazing things you've accomplished,

knowing I never will?

How am I supposed to live up to you?
How is anyone?

Ah, so the fish weren't biting today.
So what? That's life.

You tried hard,
and that's what matters.


You know, I- I actually
need some wrapping paper.

Do you know where I can find some?
You don't have to do that.

I want to do it.

You'll never go broke
playing to a rich guy's ego.

Write that down.

Okay. Thank you so much,
you guys.

Make a wish.
Uh, hi. Oh, sorry.

Um, I'm here for
the traffic committee meeting.

The meeting's
been adjourned.

Yeah, um-
it's my birthday.

I'm sorry.
Happy birthday.

L- Just someone sent me to the wrong room,
and you guys don't meet again for months,

and this is pretty much
a matter of life and death, so-

Uh- Yes. Fine.
Uh, just-

If you could make it quick.
This is an ice cream cake.

Actually, it's not.



Oh, then we're not
in a rush, I guess, at all.

No rush. Go ahead.

My name is Claire Dunphy, and my family
and I live near that intersection-

Why not? Why not?

The freezer was broken,
and we couldn't keep it here.

See, this is why I
ask you to think ahead, okay?

Do you have
your 50 signatures?

Uh, almost. I have 34.
But I-

That's the same thing.

- Wow, I'm confused.
- It's not the same thing.

No. Thirty-four is not
the same thing as 50,

just like a cake is not the same
thing as an ice cream cake.

Right. I get that. Sir, I'm
trying to save lives here.

Mom! Mom, Mom! And I can get you
the rest of those signatures-

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

We went door-to-door, and we
got you 20 more signatures.

That's so sweet of you.

Well, you were freaking
out at us, so- Okay.

You know, let's not ruin it.
All right.

Fifty-four signatures.

So, what do you say? Let's start saving
lives one intersection at a time.

Okay. Thank you very much. We will,
uh, take these under advisement.

- Just leave them here, and thank you.
- Wait a minute!

- I know what that means.
- Oh, here we go.

That's Washington-speak
for "Get lost."

Well, um- Wow, Phil.
What are you doing here?

I'm your husband.
I'm blindsiding you.


Your Honor, permission to approach.
Not a judge.

I'll allow it.

I'll get straight to the point,
because this is important,

and that appears to be
an ice cream cake.

Well, it's not!

Okay. I present to you
"Stop in the Name of Life."

Kick it!

Clive Bixby.

Can I meet you at Harry's Bar
in two minutes?

Baby, I can do anything
in two minutes.

Ooh. Oh.

I'll just speed through the
intersection at Greenleaf and Bristol.

It's easy,
'cause there's no stop sign.

I love being a kid.

I have my whole life
ahead of me.

- Nooooo!
- Nooooo!


Well- Powerful.

And unconventional.

But I believe
it makes our point.

So, what do you say?

Well, the kid
was all right.

I didn't care for you
so much.

But if I were to give a stop sign to
everybody who wanted a stop sign,

- this city would grind to a halt.
- I understand, sir, but-

- Thank you. Good-bye.
- Allow me. Allow me!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've lived with this woman
for 20 years.

- Mm-hmm.
- If she wants a stop sign, there's gonna be a stop sign.

He's right.

Listen to the man.

It's deli-
No good? ?No bueno?

I'm home!

Oh, hey.
Did you find Stella?

Safe and sound.

Oh! Hey!

I did it. I left the mess.
Aren't you proud of me?

I sure am.
Good for you.

It wasn't easy at first,
but I just took Lily to the park,

and I completely put it out of my mind.

And I think I really
cleared a hurdle today.

Oh, that's great.
I'm super proud of you.

And you're not even tempted
to clean it up now?

That's great.

Not now that you're home.

- So, guess I better get started.
- Yeah.

I don't like this.

It's so gross.

Oh, my God.

I was right.

- You wanted me to clean it up.
- Oh, that's preposterous.

I will not stand here and
take this from you. Oh, Cam!

"Life is messy.
I love chaos."

You are so full of it.
Well, you know what?

That's all right. No worries. Hey,
come on, come on. Just embrace it.

It's life. Oh, okay.
Now, that is gratuitous.

That's Lily's favorite cereal.
Oh, it's okay. No!

Relax. Hey, Lily.
Honey, come here.

Sweetheart, do you want
a princess hat?

Yes, Yes, yes!

Okay, that-
that is enough! No!

You've proven your point!
I don't like to clean up.

It's smelly, it's sticky, and after I
eat, I'm tired, I just want to lay down.

And you put it off, knowing that I would do it.
Yes! Are you happy?

Yes ... I ... am.

Hi. I'm Ellen Roberts
from the adoption agency.

I'm ... here
for the home visit.


I might need
to tweak my system.

Hey, Dad. Think fast!


Wait, wait.
I need a break.

John Philip Sousa!

Oh, my God.
Seventy-eight views.

We are on our way.

Yeah, we are.

You know what, Lukey? My dad was away a lot,
and I'm not gonna do that to you.

I'm gonna be the kind of dad-

How many more of these
do you want to do?

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