Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 21 - Planes, Trains and Cars - full transcript

Phil makes an impulsive car purchase and wonders how Claire will react, Jay struggles to get himself and his family to a weekend with the guys at Pebble Beach, and Mitchell and Cameron lose Lily's stuffed bunny on the subway.


How are you doing?
Phil Danoughy.

What do I have to get you to ask,

"What do I have to do to get you
into this car today?"

Well, why don't we start with a test drive?

I'll get the keys.

Sounds good.

Right where I want him.

Come here. Come look at this.

This thing warns you if you
deviate from your lane.

In my car, that's my wife.

"Andre, if you try to kill me,
I swear I will kill you!"

Well, I guess this is
what I'll be driving

for the next 39 months.

This is my D.N.A. talking,

but you do not seem sufficiently excited

about the prospect of
driving a new Cadillac.

No, it's great.
I've just leased the same thing forever.

Part of me wants to shake things up.

I don't know.

Get something like...

Like that.

Oh, wow.

Colonel Klink, that is nice.

We took Lily on her first train ride.

Just a quick trip to Chinatown.

I was worried she would think

we were taking her back to Vietnam,

but she seemed okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Possibly because she was an
infant when she left Vietnam.

Also, Vietnam is not China.

Well, I had a lollipop
with me just in case.

I love that we're doing this.

It's important for her to
explore the city she lives in.

So much diversity.

Keep your wallet in your front pocket.

My shoe's untied.

Oh, sweetie, it is. Here, have a seat.

Right here. There you go.
Hey, hold Bunny.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Bunny!

How did you miss that, Mitchell?
Mr. Conductor! I-I...

What?

I was purell-ing!

And it's me! Why would you toss it?

Because my hands were full?

I want Bunny!

I know. W--okay, I have an idea.

Let's catch the next train and
ride it till it catches up.

They don't catch up.
That's called a collision.

Okay, well, do you have a better idea?

You're the one that lost it.
No, you tossed it.

He who tossed it lost it.

Don't try to clever your way out of this.

Daddy lost Bunny.

She means you.

Oh, I wanted a car like
this since I was a kid.

Me, too.

I used to imagine the wind
blowing through my perm,

blasting some Hall & Oates,

maybe horsing around with
my Mr. Microphone...

Yeah, we wouldn't have
been friends back then.

You should buy it.

No, it's not practical.

Practical? You never see a
person on their deathbed

saying, "I wish I'd have
been more practical."

I see a lot of people on
their deathbed, Phil.

A lot.

I thought you operated on knees and elbows.

Phil, this is a nice car.

And it's half the price of a new car.

If you don't buy it, I will.

What would Claire say?

You know what? Maybe we should find you

something with a little
more lumbar support.

Yeah. You know, with you not
having a spine and all.

I have a spine. Do you have a spine?

I have a spine.
So wanna take it for a spin?

You know what?
I'd rather take her for a spin.

Let's get her top down
and see what she can do.

I'm--no, I meant the convertible.

Well, I just talked to the concierge,

and room service will
save me a bread pudding.

Load off my mind.

You mock me, but "Travel and Leisure"

says it's not to be missed.

This weekend, we're going
up to Pebble Beach.

I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys

I played high school football with.

Man, those were the good old days.

Yeah, unless you were a woman,
black, Hispanic, or gay.

True, but if you were a straight white guy

who played football,

you really couldn't have a bad day.

Gloria? Hmm?

Which watch should I pack?

This one's showier.
This one's more expensive.

Why do you care so much about a watch?

How do I say this without
sounding like an ass?

I'm kind of a legend to these guys.

Not like that.

Who's your daddy?

Whoa! Whose car is this?

Mine! I talked him into it.

Seriously? Mom's gonna let you have this?

Luke, Luke, Luke...

Where is she?

Dad, I don't like this.

Why not?

My friend Molly's dad bought a sports car,

and now he lives in a studio apartment

and dates a girl who works at forever 21,

which she won't be for two years.

Hear that?

Honey, I'm not leaving your mom.

Might not be your call.

Oh, my God, it's so pretty!

I love it! And I love you,

and I promise I'll take
super good care of it!

Can I tell her?

Please. I ask for so little.

Alex, be nice to your sister.
It's dad's car, not yours.

What? But you're too old for this!

It's just like last year

when you wouldn't take
off those skinny jeans.

Wouldn't or couldn't?

Hey. I looked hot.

And you look hot in this car.

Let me tell you something about your dad.

Your dad is a man who knows what he wants,

and he gets it.
Oh.

At least that's what I heard.
You know, I was there

more as a friend and an
observer than anything.

Andre. Hey, Claire.

Honey. Is this the new car?

I know it looks impractical,

but Andre's seen a lot of people die.

I'm not upset.

I'm not upset. It's a beautiful car.

Just surprised you didn't
get the sedan, that's all.

Beautiful. Good seeing, you, Cl--

Mm. Beautiful.

What just happened?

She did not blink once.

Do you wanna come in for a minute?

No, I gotta...
you know, I gotta get to the wife.

Well, do you...

Uh, do you need a ride or anything?
No. No, no,

I'm gonna, uh, I'm-a jog.

Why--why are you running?
I'm just gonna jog!

Lily was up all night because
she didn't have Bnny,

which means that we were up all night

because she didn't have Bunny.

God, she must have cried for...

How long was it, Cam?

Cam. Cam. Hmm?

Oh, sorry.

Uh, last night was rough because Lily...

Covered it. Didn't have Bunny.

Jay, tell me, why are we on the runway?

Surprise! We're taking a private plane.

Wow! I've never been on a private plane!

And you never will.

I am not getting on that little thing!

What if the rubber band snaps
and we fall out of the sky?

It's perfectly safe.
It's a legitimate airline!

Hey, folks.

Whoa. Nobody said three.

All right. Before we take off,

I'm gonna need to get
everyone's weight here.

No problem. I'm about 190.
Okay.

Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.

Gloria, I would never put
you and Manny in danger.

Now come on! Trust me on this!

Beautiful.

It's American music the whole way,

and I don't wanna hear a word.

How you doing there, sport?
Great. Yeah.

Awesome. You know what's awesome?

Is this car has the engine in the trunk,

so that means I get to...

put these signs in the seat, which is cool.

Very cool.

Huh.
What?

Oh, nothing. My, uh, client just wants me

to pick her up on the
way to the open house,

which is great. I'll, uh, drop the sign off

and just swing across town to...

Oh. She's bringing her mom and a designer.

Well, maybe they'll fit in the trunk.

Here it comes!

What? I was making a joke.

What's your game, woman?

I have no game. You're an adult.
You can make your own choices.

Since when?

Do you wanna borrow the minivan?

Yes, please.

Okay, fine. Then you're gonna have
to pick up the kids from school.

Okay, I can't take it.

If you got something to say, just say it.

I have nothing to say.

That just says it all. Well...

All--all right. Thank you, Serena.

See you tonight.

Good news--they rescheduled
my massage for the morning.

Bad news--it's a dude.

Don't blame me. It's your mom's fault.

Do you know how many people
have died in these planes?

John Denver, Patsy Cline, Ritchie Valens.

I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.

All right, look,

the welcome dinner starts in four hours.

It's a 5-hour drive. No bathroom breaks.

Yeah, I think you're gonna
want to hold on to that cup.

Damn it!

What was that?
Giant pothole.

The dash is lighting up
like a Christmas tree.

Tire's blown!

This never would have happened
if we were in the air!

If this had happened in the air,
we wouldn't be in the air.

We would be in rock 'n' roll heaven!

Okay, what do you think?

I'm gonna put these in the subway.

Okay, it looks like, uh, Lily's missing

and we're offering $25 to get her back.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
No one in their right mind--

Okay. That's all I see now.

How about this one? Okay. Um...

"Missing--stuffed bunny.
Brown and white fur.

Sympathetic eyes."
What are sympathetic eyes?

Not those.

I just--I don't really love the idea

of our phone number being up in the subway.

Okay, let's play a different game.

How about I be the problem,
and you be the solution?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.

I know you're just trying to--
Got it!

Just came up with a better idea.

Took me less than five seconds.

Okay...

I can't hear you. What?

Window.

I don't know...

Gah! What did I do?

Oh. Oh, my.

Yes. Hi. Hey, nice car.

Thank you.

You gonna drive up the coast, or...

Oh, no. I'm gonna do
some errands, actually.

Yeah, 'cause other people
might go and buy a crazy car

with an engine in the--
in the trunk, but not me.

No. I'm responsible.
Mm-hmm.

We have three kids.
You can't pick up three kids in this car.

You can't.

You--it... it...

I'll get you... catch ya.

I'm going!

Maybe I was a teeny bit mad.

So I blew off my errands
and headed up the coast.

It was my turn to be irresponsible.

And luckily, I had sunscreen in my purse.

Well, your strut's shot,

and we can't get parts for at least a day.

Fantastic.

I don't suppose there's any place

you can rent cars anywhere around here?

Know what, sir?
We're not some one-horse town.

Of course you can rent a car.

It just happens to be out for the day.

Unbelievable.

We're gonna miss the whole weekend.
I am sorry, Jay.

I know how much you mean to those guys,

and I know how much they want to see you.

I'm so sorry. Uh, excuse me.

You are... so pretty.

And if you really need to get somewhere,

maybe I can help you out.

Ay, yes, please! Thank you! Anything!

Check it out. Restored it myself.

No.

I did not get in the little
plane at the little airport!

I'm not gonna get in this...
takka-takka-takka-takka

flown by that guy that
couldn't fix our car!

Gloria, it's either this,
or we're in the motel.

I don't like the sound of that.

A lot of amenities disappear
when an "H" becomes an "M."

You know, when I met you,

you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Hey, Lily, guess what?

What?

Uh, we just heard from Bunny.

This is a terrible idea.

No, it's fantastic.

Bunny said he's on an amazing adventure

having the time of his life,

and that you should pick
one of his best friends

to sleep with while he's gone.

Bunny doesn't talk.

This is going great.

He does now, because-- because
he took talking lessons.

So what do you think, huh?

Turtle or giraffe

or, uh, little reindeer?

Where's Bunny now?

Uh, St. Louis.

Why?

He's visiting his girlfriend.

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

He has a boyfriend!

I want Bunny!

Okay. No, no, Lily.

Lily, uh, what about Miss, uh, Teddy Bear?

Huh? No? Uh, Dr. Tiger? No?

Mr. Fish? I want Bunny.
I'm going to St. Louis.

Really? You don't know Nemo?

It's on an endless loop in the den.

I have a job.

And then Bodie kicked it to me,

and I dribbled it past Michael
and got it to Tyler...

I was bummed not to be in my new cool car,

so I wasn't joking around with
the kids like I usually do.

And I would've scored if
that kid didn't trip me.

I can't believe the ref didn't see it.

I bet Olivia saw it.

She's always watching you when you play.

Yeah, I know.
It's like she's in love with soccer.

Ugh. Stop texting me!

What?

Corey. He is so clingy.

But, you know, there's something
about driving your kids around.

You're in the front, they're in the back.

They forget you're there,
and you learn so much.

You're like Sigourney Weaver
in "Gorillas in the Mist."

Except gorillas make less noise chewing.

Once I hit the coast
highway, I didn't stop.

I turned off my cell phone.

I ate fish tacos for lunch. It was insane!

I haven't felt that free in years.

All my stress completely disappeared...

And so did my keys.

I'm sorry, but...
these signs are ridiculous.

Oh, you're right.
I should have used Helvetica.

It much better represents the
urgency of our situation.

No, the lengths that we're
going to for a stuffed animal.

You know, Cam, maybe it's
time Lily learned about loss.

No, she's 3, and I know.
Do you know how many times

I had to say good-bye to a
furry friend on the farm?

And didn't it make you stronger?

Yeah, because I was a growing boy

and they were chock-full of protein.

But it was still heartbreaking.

It builds character.

You know, once, when I was a kid,

my dad left my Luke Skywalker
doll on an airplane,

and I was so angry--
Wait, which--which Luke?

Shorty robe or dress blacks?

Shorty robe. Oh, my.

And you know what he did to get it back?

Not a damn thing. Nope.

He didn't lift one pudgy finger

to make a single phone
call, and I got over it.

Yeah, well, I want you and Lily

to have the same healthy relationship

you and your father have. For sure.

All right, give me these flyers.

I'm gonna take everything to
this side of the homeless guy.

Mitchell! Sorry, what are
we supposed to say now?

Home-challenged? Or...

No, look!

Oh, my God! It's Bunny!

Oh, Lily's gonna be so happy.

Oh, that's so great. Go ahead and get it.

What, me?
Yeah.

Why should I go and get it?

Well, I-I'm not gonna do it.

Why? I spotted it.

You're closer.

It's your journey. Luke Skywalker?

Pattern-breaking?
Your father? Get in there.

Fine.

Sir--hi, sir.

Hello, you--you...

Hello.

Yeah. Hello.

He-hello? Sir...

I-I can't... oh, for God sakes!

Let her hate us. You turned out great.

I did, didn't I? You're a big lawyer.

This is not the massage I had in mind.

All right.

Okay.

In about an hour, a train goes through town

that will get us close to pebble beach.

Now it's not technically
a-a passenger train,

so it won't be stopping.
What?

So we gotta get running real good.

No high-heeled shoes.
And it wouldn't be wrong

if we took that blanket
with us, either, huh?

So what do you say?
Anybody up for a hobo adventure?

If we're voting, I'm a "no."

Manny, we're gonna be right back.

We're gonna get some ice from
the machine in the parking lot.

Classy.

Jay, this is getting crazy. Is it worth it?

I wanna see the old gang.

Do you wanna see them or you
want to show off to them?

The private plane, the fancy watch.

You still want to feel

that you're the big kahuna on the campus.

That's not it. That's not even a thing.

You know what? I'm taking Manny home.

If you want to go in the
takka-takka-takka-takka,

okay. Go to Pebble Beach by yourself.

No, what? That's not the plan.

If you wanna go there so bad,

that's the only way you're gonna get there.

I'm not trying to get me there.

I'm trying to get you there!

What? Look...

I may have exaggerated the size...
kahuna I was.

I may not...

technically have been a kahuna.

I was shy, and I spent most of my time...

on the bench.

But you always made it sound like you--

Oh, I know what I made it sound like.

People didn't expect much from me,

and, um...

They certainly didn't expect me

to end up with... somebody like you.

So this is all about you

parading me around like a trophy?

Yes.

Why didn't you say so?

I can be a trophy!

Come on. We need to get
this up to Pebble Beach.

Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!

Oh, good. If we get out of
here in the next ten minutes,

we don't have to pay for the second hour.

How you doing there, sport?

I'm sorry. That's okay.

Thanks.

So...

Whatcha doing all the way up here?

Did someone snap?

A little. Yeah.

I was mad at you for buying
that stupid sports car.

I knew it!

And I was wrong.

It's a great car. God, I had the best day.

Phil, I did cartwheels.

Without me?
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Hey, did you know there's a
girl with a crush on Luke?

Olivia. Yeah.

Oh, and Haley's totally done with Corey.

That's new.

Alex is teaching herself Chinese

so she'll be useful when
they finish buying us.

She's so weird.

I really want to be able
to drive the kids around.

I need a bigger car for work.
I made a mistake.

No, you didn't. You bought it for a reason.

When did we stop coming to the beach?

I think it was when Alex

started printing out water quality reports.

She'll be China's problem soon.

You know...

We don't need a sports car to get out here.

Mm. We should just make a pact.

Once a month, we get out to the beach.

And we tell everyone we're running errands.

Yeah. Yeah.

So you didn't get to the dry cleaner?

They say the important thing in life

isn't the destination.

It's the journey,

the challenges you face along the way...

The unexpected twists and turns...

The disappointments you overcome.

Look what I found on the Internet.

Oh, my God! It's Luke
Skywalker in his shorty robe!

I love it, Cam--
No. Mine!

But they're wrong.

It's all about the destination,

especially when the destination

is your amazing oceanfront hotel.

Thank you again, Serena.

Warmest regards, Manny Delgado.

What's he doing?

He's sending flowers to the concierge.

Oh, jeez. Hey...

Credit card.

She wore you down, didn't she?

This is not about Claire.

I really want to sell you the car.

It's sad. She got you to believe that.

No, I...

Turns out I'm just not a convertible guy.

Well, your loss is my gain.

It's a sweet ride, Phil. Right?

It really is.

Uh-oh. What?

I'm getting, like, a whiff of mildew.

I don't smell anything.

Yep. That's mildew.

Huh?
This car's been in the flood.

It's a Katrina car!

I'm offended that you tried to
sell me a Katrina car, Phil!

Your wife won't let you have
a convertible, will she?

We will never know,
'cause I'm afraid to ask.

See you later, Phil.

Why are you running again?