Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Aunt Mommy - full transcript

Claire makes a drunken decision to donate her egg for Mitchell and Cameron's next child, while Manny gets hurt after Jay gets him into a football game.

Whoa. What's all this?

Mom heard us say
we were bored.


She heard us from outside.

She has super good hearing,
like a seeing eye dog.

They have overdeveloped hearing
to make up for the fact that--

Wait, the dogs aren't blind.

Wait. Are they?

No, that wouldn't make sense.

You're right.

If I wait long enough,
she can get there by herself.

Quick, girls--

famous Danny from "Moonstruck."


Hey, Phil. I'm glad I caught ya.

What's up?

Uh, it's about Steven and Stefan.

They wanna see
that house on Briar again.

Really? I showed it
to them five times.

Last time we were there,
I think they got mail.

Yeah, well, that's
why I'm calling.

They hate upsetting people,
unless, of course, it's me.

Then they don't mind
waking me up at 7:00 A.M.,

asking me to call you.

It's no problem.
I'm just hanging around.

Kind of bored, really.


Well, we did our good
deed for the day.

Yeah, for the enemy.
Don't they have enough?

It's been about a year

since we decided to adopt a boy.

Meanwhile, our friends
Steven and Stefan

decided that they
wanted a baby, too.

Wonder where
they got that idea?

Well, we're still waiting, but
they already got their kid

because they went
through a surrogate.

Which is all they talk about.

Are you gonna keep doing that?

I might.

I have to go show a house.

But first, what was Elton John's
sexual orientation in the '70s?


- You've done that one before.
- And it never gets old,

like the good
Captain Fantastic himself.

Hey, Claire, guess what?

I'm sorry, honey,
I can't talk right now.

I told Bethenny I would
take her to the airport.

I'm late, and she's gonna miss her flight.
Where are my keys?

Why is that chair still here?
I thought you and Luke

were gonna put it out
on the sidewalk.

So you can't talk unless
it's about my chores?

Why don't you just do it now,
and you won't be so bored?

You heard that?

I hear everything.

That's for me.

Hey, Leon. Nice buzz cut.

Yeah, for some people,
the shampoo doesn't work.

It only makes the lice angry.

Nice to see you.

Oh, no. No--oh, God.

Um, Alex, do not move.

Haley, clean this up, okay?

Who fills a vase with marbles?

Who doesn't see a vase
filled with marbles?

Who wants to hear a bunch
of plates crashing?

Phil! Honey, the girls
need you in the kitchen!

Thanks for the hat, Leon.
It kind of tickles.


How much electricity do
we need to bring this back?

It's not rocket science.

We're only reanimating a squirrel.

Phil! Now!

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by susanaLC

Sounds great. No, hang on.

Gloria, where's Manny?

Some neighborhood kids have
invited him to play football.

He said he was taking
his morning constitutional.

He's working on his go-cart,
but he'll be there.

Okay. See you then.

No, Manny cannot go and
play with those boys.

Margo is trying to
get us theater tickets

for this afternoon.

Gloria, you and Manny
do enough together.

Let's let him decide.
Where's he walking?

I don't know. But according
to the song he was singing,

he was going to the sunny
side of the street.

I cannot express to you enough
how bad this kid needs football.

Mom! Look what I found!

Number 99!

When Manny was 5,
we didn't have much.

We were on our own.

So we always dreamed of
winning the lottery.

We figured if we collected
100 lucky heads-up pennies

and bought a ticket with
them, we couldn't lose.

But now I have
a wonderful husband,

a beautiful home...

I feel like I already
won the lottery.

So I can keep whatever we win?

I think no.
I found most of them.

Can you put this in
the jar with the others?


Ay. I forgot.

What is the combination
to your safe?

I'll just come with you.

Oh, yes, 'cause that's how
this arrangement works--

I take money from you!


Oh, hi, Margo.
No, she just ran upstairs.

Listen, about these theater tickets--

don't knock yourself
out trying to...

Oh, you did?

Well, sorry to do this
last minute,

but they can't go.

No, Manny has
a football game, so...

Jay, could you steep my tea?

I cannot express to you enough

how much this kid
needs football.

And that is the whole house...


I love it, but
I just don't love it.

Do you love it?

I love it.
I absolutely love it.

I'm just not sure
if I'm in love with it.

Oh, yeah.

We have an expression
around the office

for when a sale
just isn't happening--

"Commission: Impossible."

Maybe for some people.

Not sure if I mentioned
it before,

but the house does
come with a hookup

for a European washing machine.

Oh, I love that.

Oh, so sorry.

It's the boss.


Hi. I'm on my way home.

I've been calling Haley,
but nobody's answering.

Is everything okay there?

Everything here is great.

Oh, thank God.
Did you put the chair out front?

Not yet.

Honey, you're gonna miss
the trash pickup.

Don't worry. If they don't
take it, someone else will.

Who is gonna pick up

that ratty chair off our lawn?

Are you kidding?
It's in great shape.

Super cozy.
People are always commenting on it.

Trust me, it'll be gone
by the end of the day.

Please, just do it now.

I can't.

I'm so sorry.

When I'm done
with these clients,

I'll call Luke and Leon.

I know I can talk them into it.

We are not losing this
house to Luke and Leon.

What do you mean,
"call Luke and Leon"?

Aren't you at home?

No, I left right before you did.

Phil, the house... the--the kids...

Oh, God, the squirrel.


We'll take it.




So how great is
your life right now, huh?

A new house, a new baby,

Stefan's Propecia's kicking in.


That's him. He's on his way.

He texted "OMW."

We try to keep our texts short

when we're driving with the baby.

Oh, well, what
wonderful parents you are.

You guys hate us
a little bit, don't you?

- No. God, no.
- Just a little.

Have you thought
about surrogacy?

At least you'd be making a baby

instead of waiting around
for some pregnant mom

to maybe pick you.

Well, we considered it,

but how do you decide
which one will-- Where's Lily?

Sleeping. Ice the cupcake.

That you couldn't say
in front of Lily?

- Well, then, she'd want a cupcake.
- Yeah, well...

But that's the beauty of the swirl.

The swirl?

You both donate,
they mix it up,

fertilize the egg.

You never know
who the father is.

Ooh. That's Stefan.

Yeah, maybe we should
think about this swirl.

Well, I-I didn't think
surrogacy was for us.

But, you know, 'cause one
of us would feel left out.

Yeah, but if you don't
know whose it is...

Sorry we're late.

Guys, meet Roco.

Roco or cocoa?

Look at him out there.

Oh, ay. This is so exciting.

Go ahead! Attaboy!

- Go! Go ahead! Attaboy!
- Go, Manny! Run!

I knew Gloria would find out
I lied about those tickets.

But I figured when
she saw Manny out there,

playing with all
those other kids,

she'd thank me.

That's what I figured.

Go! Go!

What the hell's he doing?

Run, Manny! Run!

Mom! Number 100!

Now we have the lucky-- Oh!

Oh, thank God.

Nobody's dead.

Or... we're all dead.

How many plates did we lose?

None. Luke and Haley
used cookie sheets

to clear a path through
the marbles for me.

Where are the marbles?

Right here.

Oh, Haley!

I put glue on them so it
doesn't happen again.

What about the chair?

Leon and I rolled it outside
on some skateboards.


The squirrel?

You think I was going
to let that happen?

These kids are going
to survive.

They are the best
of me and Phil.

Luke using the skateboards,
Haley gluing the marbles--

that is pure Phil.

Alex keeping everyone in line--

pure me.

Sometimes I worry
no one's gonna like Alex.

There you go, buddy.

Thank you.


What? You need anything?
I'll get it.

Steak sauce, but it's okay.

It's probably good for me
to move around.

Oh, Jay, it's so nice to see
you take care of him like that.

Why are you surprised?
He's our kid.

We take care of each other
in this family.

I want to kill you.

Wild guess-- Margo?

Let me explain.

There is no excuse.

This is something private.
I'm gonna get outta here.

So that's why you
were being so nice.

You lied to my friend...

You made Manny play
the American football...

It is your fault that
he got estampeded.

Or is it your fault?

He stopped to pick up
a penny, for God's sake.

Be careful what you say, Jay.

You're skating on
thin eggshells right now.

I tried to get him out there

with kids his own age...

Which is what
he should be doing...

And not spending another
afternoon with his mommy.

If you have a problem with
the way Manny's being raised,

you talk to me!

- I am.
- I don't wanna hear it!

Phil, you really didn't
have to do this.

I sold a house today
because of you two.

The least I can do
is buy you dinner.

I saw that house.
It is gorgeous.

- I know.
- Yes, we're real happy for them.

They showed me
a picture of the baby.

How adorable is that little guy?

Yes, we're real happy for them.

Okay, you might wanna
slow down there.

What? I'm playing a new drinking game.

It's called "every time
I'm depressed, I take a drink."

That game exists.

It's called alcoholism.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm...

I'm wallowing, and it's not cute.

To happier things.

- Yes.
- To happier things.

- Happier things, yes.
- There you go.

I remember the first few drinks...

And, um, after that,
the night's just bits and pieces.

I wanna do something I never do--

brag about my kids.

Today, they were resourceful,

they were responsible, they...

Put 40% down.

It was worth showing
the house five times

and waiting...

Almost a year.

Seriously! Who do you have to...

Blow. That's really hot.

Why don't you let it cool down?
Try some of the...


The baby is clearly Mexican!
So, you know, the swirl is out.

Ugh. It's enough to make you lose...


Is this my fourth drink?

It's my fourth.

I said "four" twice, didn't I?

I did, didn't I?

I think we're gonna
need four cabs...

Two! Two! You made me!

I-I vaguely remember...
someone crying?

If we ever did surrogacy,

I would want you to be the donor.

- Mnh-mnh! - You're so smart,
you're so handsome.

Oh, stop it! It should be you!

- You're so fun! You're so talented!
- Okay.

It's not fair.
I love you both so much.

If you could have a baby that
was a mix of the two of you,

I would love that baby so much.

Aw, that is so sweet.

I meant it. That is so sweet.

Oh, my God. You guys,
we could do this.

We could do this.

We could make a baby

that is half Tucker
and half Pritchett.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?



No. No.

I'm saying...

I give the egg.

Oh! Yeah.

I give the egg. That's the pritchett side.

And then, Cam,
you're the father, right?

And then we just, like, mix it

and put it in a, like, a
surrogate lady thing,

and then bang!
We have a baby.

Oh. Are--are you serious?

You would do that?

I would be honored.

You guys, you guys, if there's
one thing I have learned today,

it's the pleasure of
looking at your children,

and seeing both--
both of you in there.

And I want you to have
that experience. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- We want that.

And something else...

Guys, I make really good babies.

Yes. I have, like,
magic eggs or something.

- Yes!
- They're golden.

Oh, gosh. Oh, Phil,

I don't--what do-- what
do you say about this?

I think we're all having a baby!

Aah! Table hug!

Oh! Aah!

Sweet potato fries!

- What have I done?
- I know.


What was I thinking?

I-I-I just get drunk and
I bring a baby into the world?

That would be 4 for 4.

I can't go through with it.

Don't panic.
You haven't donated anything yet.

Besides, what are the chances
your eggs even work?

What are the chances we can
pretend I never said that?

It's weird. It's my brother.

And then there would be
this baby over there

that's my baby,
but it's not my baby...

That actually sounds good.
Just say that.

We're gonna see him for brunch
in two hours over at your dad's.

Ooh. That seems... soon

and--and hard.

What if... what if
I blame it on you?

What if we say that
you're not okay with it?

- No!
- Why?

Are you really okay with another
man fertilizing your wife's egg?

Of course not! That's creepy.

- Yes. - Plus, what if you and Cam
make a better baby than we did?

It's settled. Phil says "no."

Like they're really gonna believe

that I overruled you?

- Right.
- Come on.

Mm. They're gonna be crushed.

They've waited so long
for this baby.

Maybe they're having
second thoughts, too.

Look--this is what my baby
with Claire would look like.

What is this? What...

Okay, well, I found a web site

where couples can upload pictures...

- Oh. - And then it shows them what
their baby would look like.

This is... Gloria and I.

Couldn't resist.

Wow. That--

that looks exactly like Manny.

Like--like weirdly so.

What--what's this other picture?

Don't be jealous.

But this...

Is me and Justin Timberlake.

Cam, we have a problem.

Oh, what? You can talk about
Ryan Gosling all day,

- but the moment I say something--
- No, no, no,

about this baby. I...

I don't think I can do it.

What--why? Why--it's perfect!

It's our chance to have a baby
that's part me, part you!

No, no! It's part you
and part Claire.

I'm nowhere in there.

And it's not like I can pretend.

It's--she's not some egg
donor that we don't know.

It's Claire.

You know, we see her all the time.

And what are we supposed
to tell the baby?

"Say hi to your aunt mommy!"

- Adorable.
- No, not adorable.


Okay, I'm--I'm sorry, Cam.

Jay says that
I'm smothering Manny...

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm just enjoying him.

I mean, they're only gonna
be boys for a short time.

Best time ever in this house!

I'm uncomfortable with this, Phil.

The manual specifically
says "no towing."

There are two types of
people in this world--

people who follow the manual,

and people who stick it
to the manual.

You... are hurt.


Manny, what happened?

Football injury.

My mom will yell you
all about it.

Hola, Lily!

Does my little princess
want a cookie?

Oh, well, you know,
maybe just one.

She's already had
her sugar limit for today.

How can you tell?

- Aah!
- Ay!

Okay, Lily.


- Hey, you two.
- Hey!

So where-- oh, where are the kids?

Oh, Haley's driving them
over separately.

- Oh.
- Oh! Big girl now.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

So that was... so fun last night.

- So fun.
- Yeah, we had a great night.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

We should--


Yeah, we're going this way, so...

- This should do for 30. - Yeah.
- We'll see you in a bit.

I cannot tell them.

I cannot break their hearts.

So you're gonna have Cam's baby

just to keep things
from being weird?

Um, what?

You and Uncle Cam
are having a baby?

Kids, shh.

- There was a discussion about
the possibility... - Mm-hmm.

Of your mom donating an egg...

so that the guys
could have a baby.

But we decided it was
not a good idea.

Why? Because Lily's such a mess?

For a lot of reasons.

- They have-- - But we can agree that
she's a disastrous human being?

I think it's a great idea.

Yeah. It's a really beautiful offer, mom.
I'm impressed.

Oh, my God.
Cam, they told the kids already,

and they seem to be totally into it.

All right, is it just me?

Am I the only one
that thinks this is weird?

Maybe it's not weird.
Maybe we're pioneers.

Mm, no we're hardly pioneers.

You have three different hair dryers

for different types of weather.

Maybe it's just gonna take some
time to get used to the idea.

- What idea?
- Oh. No.

Um, well, Jay...

- Cam.
- Claire has--

No. I-I-I just don't think

my dad's really ready for
this conversation. So...

Oh, stop acting like I'm some
stodgy old coot. I've grown.


Um, Jay, Claire has, um, offered

to give us one of her eggs

so we can have a baby that's
half Pritchett, half Tucker.

That's unnatural. I'm against it.

Oh, surprise, surprise.
Jay is against something.

Cam and Claire wanna
have a baby together.


You're not gonna do that.

It's not your decision, dad.

You're not thinking straight.

And you're not in charge.
Okay, Claire and I are adults.

If--if we want this to happen,
it--it's gonna happen.

So much for second thoughts.

Young lady, I need
to have a talk with you.

- I don't... now?
- No.

You don't get to tell everyone
how to live their lives,

that boys cannot spend
time with their mommies

or that brothers and
sisters can't make babies.

- So you're all for this?
- No.

It's a freak show, but
it's their freak show.

So this is happening again?

Well, I'm not gonna not do it

'cause my dad thinks I shouldn't.

You know, I'm not following.

We're not doing it 'cause
I don't want to do it.

What we're not doing

is not doing it 'cause
he doesn't want us to do it.

Just say baby or no baby.

Isn't it enough this family
spends a lot of time together?

Now we have to inbreed.

Okay, dad, it's not technically
inbreeding. It's, um...

For the record, I think what
my mom is doing is very brave.

I like it.

I've always kind of wanted a
half-brother, half-cousin.

Really? "Always"?

Well, I mean, if you think about it...

Oh, wow.

When was the last time
we talked under a table?

Dad and Gloria's wedding reception.

Oh, yeah.

Um, mm...

I love you. You know that...

But I can't do this.

No, no, neither can I!

Really? Yeah.

Are you serious? You can't--oh, God.

I'm so relieved. I'm sorry.

I-I-I... ugh.

I am so sorry I led us
down this road.

No, no. No, Claire,
don't be. Don't be.

It was--it was generous and
thoughtful, just like you.

How could I not want those
qualities in my child?


Oh, come here.

So this is really happening?

- Ah.
- What if it is, dad?

Yeah. What if we love each other,

and this is a beautiful thing?

- Okay, it's our decision.
It's not yours. - Yeah.

So baby? No baby?

- No.
- Mnh-mnh.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Mm, I know it's been hard on you.

Hey, what if we went out
for a nice dinner tonight?

Oh, that'd be fun.
Should I call the sitter?

Yeah. Oh, you know what
I was thinking today?

What about Luke?

Oh, he's so good with her,

the way he looks at her...

My God, Cam.

Oh, look, she's organizing her things.

- Look at how she's dressed.
- Oh!

We didn't make her,
but she sure is us.

Hey, Lily, honey, it might make
more sense with the shoes...

- Mitchell.
- Because...

I like what she did with the dolls--

- Play as you will. Play as you will.
- It's nice.

The big one, remember?

One of the first ones we found.

It was at the bottom of
the gutter in the street.

Ay, yes.

We put the gum at the bottom
of your walking stick.

Ay, look at this one-- the green one,

the one we found
at the floor of my taxi.

- Your taxi?
- Yes.

Before I had somebody
running my life for me,

I used to drive a taxi at night.

Manny would sleep
in the seat next to me.

One time, I had to hit
the brakes so hard

that he fell into the floor
and he found the penny.

Pretty lucky, huh?

Eight years.
I can't believe we're finally done.

Me, either.

Come. Let's go get
your lottery ticket.

- Gloria.
- Hmm?

I think you made a mistake here.

What did I do now?

I counted these, and you've
only got 96 pennies.

Are you sure?

Afraid so.

I guess you're gonna
have to keep lookin'.

Dang it! I counted those.

See for yourself.

And now we upload your picture.

- This is fun. This is fun.
- Yeah.

And in just a few short moments,

thanks to the magic of technology...

We'll know what our baby
actually looks--

- Oh! No!
- What happened? What is that?

Did you put one of us
in upside-down?

No! That's actually--

Okay, I-I don't want
to see this anymore.

Ohh. Turn it off.

Oh, it's not turning off.

Well, throw something over it!
That--oh, God!

Yeah, well, we played God, and
look what we brought forth.

Daddies, what are you looking at? Aah!


Maybe it wasn't that bad.

No, no, it's possible
that we overreacted.

Yeah. Maybe our expectations
were just a little bit too high.

That little guy had some
cute features. Huh?

- Of course he did. It's us.
It can't be that bad. - Yeah.

- Let's just take--
- Ahhh!

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by susanaLC