Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Earthquake - full transcript

When an earthquake hits the area, Claire gets locked in the bathroom with a plumber, Cameron and Mitchell use it as an excuse to get out of brunch with an obnoxious friend, and Manny ...


Oh, my God!
Mom, the party is around the block.

I'll be gone for two hours.
That is two hours you could spend studying.

I have been studying
all weekend.

No friends, no phone.
Just me alone with books.

I feel like Alex.

You're never alone
when you have books.

Really? Is that what you
want me to turn into?

Sweetheart, listen to me.
This is the S.A.T.'s, okay?

It is not some
stupid science quiz.

Hey, if science quizzes
are so stupid,

why do you put mine up
on the refrigerator?

Because we feel sorry for you,
'cause books are your friends.

Yeah, she wasn't studying last night-
she was video chatting the whole time.

I knew it. I knew it. Shut up!
You are such a tattle-

Girls, take it down a notch,
because I- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the hot topic on
The Mew today, ladies?

Dad, can you
just please tell Mom...

that I can take a two-hour
break and go to a party?

No, ma'am. I'm not stepping into that one.
We're not playing good cop/Mom.

[ Knocking]
I got it.

Hello.
You call for a plumber?

- Uh, no, we did not.
- Oh, yes, we did. We did.

- [ Phil ] We did?
- Plumber, hi. Yeah.

Um, it's at the top of the stairs.
Really, Claire?

Didn't I tell you
I'd fix the tub?

Yes, you did. I think I was
pregnant with Luke at the time.

That is not fair. I've done everything
you've asked me to do around here.

I fixed the step, didn't I?
Look how solid it is.

I'm like Shirley Temple
and that black guy.

Bill “Bojangles” Robinson.
Bill “Bojangles” Robinson! I said it first.

So this is the problem.
Uh, faucet just keeps leaking.

Yeah, it's a cracked washer,
if I know my washers.

And it's, uh, been
leaking a little water.

Yeah, could be a washer,

a cracked valve, a stripped pipe.

Well, I guess I'm not
a professional plumber,

but I have spent a huge
amount of time in that tub.

I can tell you from experience, or at
least what it feels like in there.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

[ Mitchell ]
Oh, good. You're back.

I need you to help settle a spat between
our blacksmith and that chimney sweep.

Be nice. It took me 20 minutes
to find my opera cloak.

I still can't believe you didn't
have to rent any of that.

Oh, please. Do you know
how many times this has paid for itself?

Has it?

Our friend Pepper loves
to throw theme parties.

Yes, he does. And this weekend is his
first annual Oscar Wilde and Crazy brunch.

We're still recovering from his
Studio 54th of July barbecue.

They were fun at first.
Uh-

But they have become
a lot of work.

You have to dress in costume.
You have to assume a character.

I- I can't believe
you ever dated him.

One date. It was the '90s.
We'd just lost Princess Di.

I was at sea.
[ Mouthing Words]

Uh, Cam, can we just- [ Sighs
] Can we please cancel?

[Sighs] I wish we could, but you know he's
still mad at us for missing Passover.

Oh, right.
Seder Day Night Fever.

Just go get dressed
and powdered.

Oh. Pepper has done
the impossible-

He's made two gay men
hate brunch.

It might be easier just to pour
the espresso right in the sugar.

[Chuckling]

Every morning.

Jay, what are you wearing?
You can't go to church like that.

Well, that settles it then.
I'm going golfing.

You're gonna
miss church again?

Last Sunday, you said that
you had to go to the office.

The week before, you had
breakfast with a friend.

And before that, you thought you had a
cold that turned out not to be a cold.

Because I babied it.
You don't have to convince us.

You have to convince him.
Who, God?

- Me and God are good.
- How would you know?

Look, you feel God in church,
which is great.

I feel God out in nature,
amongst his works.

- Are you gonna go to church next week?
- We'll see.

I know what “we'll see” means.
If you're done with church, just say it.

- I'm done with church.
- Don't say that!

Look, I'm not going to church any more.
It's not the end of the world.

Let's not make a big deal out-
[ Rumbling ]

- Ah, ah-
- Earthquake!

¡Un terremonto!
¡Vamos, vamos, Manny! [Whimpers]

¡Vamos, Jay!
Come on, Jay!

Girls!
[ Rumbling]

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay.

This is-
This is stuck.

[Whimpering ] Oh, we're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

We better not. If they find us in these
outfits, it's gonna be very bad for the gays.

Claire?
We're okay.

[Luke] Dad! Luke.

Buddy. You okay?

That thing
almost fell on me.

I was sitting there, and it
came this close to my head.

It's all right. You're okay.
You didn't get hurt.

Well, I'm not gonna
wait around here until I do.

[ Grunts ]
Okay!

Wow. That is a doozy.

[ Sirens, Distant]

- Hey, are you guys okay?
- Yeah, we're fine.

You?
We're fine.

That was really-
[Line Beeps ]

Oh, wait.
Hold on. Hello?

- Mitch, are you okay?
- We're okay. We're okay.

- And Phil and Claire?
- I'm on the other line with them right now. One second.

Hello?
Oh, shoot. We lost Phil.

- We lost Phil?
- We lost Phil?

[Line Beeps ]
Hello?

Great. Now Gloria's gone.

Gloria's gone too?
Oh!

[ Phil ] Hey, Gloria. ¡Ay, Dios mio!
Phil, you're alive!

Yeah. Of course I'm alive.

[ Grunts ]
For now.

For months, Claire has been
after me and dogging me-

“Anchor the cabinet
to the wall.

What if we have an earthquake?
We've got kids in the house.”

Blah, blah, blah. So-
It finally reached a point...

where I hand no choice but to just roll
up my sleeves and tell her I did it.

[Grunts]

Uh, Phil!

Dad, get up here.
On my way.

Seriously!
I just fixed that. Really?

What's wrong?
Mom's stuck.

[ Clears Throat]
You okay in there?

We're fine.
The door is jammed.

Oh, okay. Uh-

Well, uh, let's try this together, okay?
[Claire] Okay.

Um, I'm gonna push-
you pull.

Okay. On three. One, two, three-

[Claire Grunts] Nothing.
Oh, dang it.

Okay, here's the thing. I wasn't pushing.
In fact, I was pulling a little.

It dawned on me that as long as
Claire was stuck in the bathroom,

I'd have time to anchor
the cabinet to the wall.

It's like they say, sometimes
when God closes a door,

he closes it so hard
that your wife can't get out.

So, don't panic. I'm gonna get you out.
I'm just gonna go get some tools.

Get a crowbar,
if you have one.

What is that supposed to mean?
Like I'm some dandy who doesn't have a crowbar?

Well, you did
just use the word “dandy.”

“Dandy” is a term coined by miners
in the 15th century.

Phil?
Just get us out of here.

Dad, how long is it gonna take to
get her out of there? Long time.

[ Claire ] Oh, honey, don't worry.
Mommy is gonna be out soon.

Don't panic.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You're not going to that party, young lady.

No, I'm not going to the party.
I'm just going downstairs.

With your purse?
[ Sighs ] Come on.

Just cover for me
this one time and I-

I'll drive you
wherever you want.

I wanna go to the Museum
of Tolerance. Fine.

How far is Tolerance?

I can hear the two of you scheming out there.
Don't you dare leave this house.

Oh, why do you have to be
such a psycho control freak?

Okay. You know what?
Just for that, you are grounded one week.

Oh, that's good parenting.

Okay. Two weeks.
Wanna double it? Keep talking!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Fine! Four weeks!
Four!

Double it again
and make it 10 weeks!

Oh, my God! Do you not hear
how much you need to study?

Mitchell, come on.
We're gonna be late.

Oh, I can't believe
we have to do this.

Come on. After the earthquake, it might be
nice to be around similarly dressed people.

That makes no-
The- The earthquake.

Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes, this- Okay.
This is the perfect excuse.

- Why? We're fine.
- Yeah, but Pepper doesn't know that.

You'll just tell him that we have
some damage we have to deal with.

- Why me?
- Because I'm the one that always cancels.

- Do not hand me that. I will not talk to him.
- Hello?

- I'm a bad liar. Do not hand me that.
- He's on. Pick up.

- You're doing it. Do it.
- I think somebody's talking. Hello?

Hi, Pepper. Listen, hi.
Hey, it's Cameron.

- How are you doing over there?
- Great

Well, the earthquake-
Yeah, it was huge here.

So, obviously, we're not- we're
not gonna be able to make it.

- Why not?
- Well, some dishes broke.

You can sweep them up later.
And, um- Well, yeah, I guess-

I guess we could
sweep those up, um, later.

Our, uh-
Our- Our hat rack-

Our hat rack fell through the window.
Ha! rack?

Well- Yeah, we do
have a hat rack.

We thought it would force us to
wear our hats more. And it did.

And there's water damage.
There's water everywhere.

A bookshelf fell...

on Mitchell's leg.

Mitchell's hurt, Pepper.
Mitchell's hurt real bad.

- I'm coming right over.
- No, you don't need to come over.

- I'm coming.
- Pepper, no!

[Beeps]

- He's coming over.
- See? Kind of panicked.

[ Sighs ] You did panic, Cam.
You panicked real bad.

You're still going golfing?

God sent you a sign, Jay.

What, the earthquake?
You gotta be kidding me.

You say that you're never going to church again,
and the ground shakes with a vengeance.

I'll prove it to you.
God, if you have a problem with me golfing-

Shh.
send me a sign.

I mean, throw in a little lightning.
Put on a show.

Don't talk to God like that!
Now, trust me,

if God had a problem with me, he would let
me know without shaking the whole city.

He would be
a little more specific.

I'm not gonna argue with you.
I don't wanna get upset.

Vamonos, Manny

- I think I'm gonna skip it today.
- What?

I like what Jay said about God being in nature.
No,no,no,no,no,no.

Don't listen to him.
His days are numbered!

Think about it, Mom.
It makes sense.

God made the trees and the grass.
He didn't make that church.

But he made the people that makes the
church, and you're making me angry!

- Vamonos.
- Just one week.

Can I go golfing with you?

I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry
my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.

Fine. See what I care.
Go.

Manny, go change.

Sorry, Mom.
Hope you understand.

- Mmm.
- Probably good for us to spend a little time together.

You're gonna spend
eternity together!

Damn it!

I suppose that was God too.

I don't know who did it,
but it makes me happy.

Ah!

[Tool Whirring ]

- What are you doing?
- Hey, buddy.

Oh, just double-checking these straps.
This is an extra.

These babies saved your life.
That's why this cabinet barely moved.

It fell all the way to the couch.
Mm-mmm.

- It almost killed me.
- No, it didn't.

This cabinet barely moved.
That's just perspective playing tricks on your mind.

Like, if I hold up my thumb,
it looks bigger than your head.

- No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.
- You have to look at it from over here.

How can I look at my head
from over there?

[ Claire ] Phil?
Why don't you just lie down.

I gotta make sure
your mom's still stuck.

So she- I can get her out.

Don't fall asleep.

Sorry I took-

You filthy-

Sorry I took so long.

I'm gonna go ahead and just
take off the doorknob, okay?

- Okay.
- Here we go.

[Whirring]
Oh, it's- Oh, damn.

[ Claire ] What? What happened?
I, uh, brought the wrong screwdriver.

- So I'll be right back.
- All right. But hurry up, Phil.

Doing my best, Claire.

Oh, don't talk back, Dad.
She'll just ground you!

That's 32 weeks,
young lady!

I was at 16 before, right?

What?
Nothin'.

Don't judge me until
you've had a teenage girl.

I've had four of 'em.
God.

How did you survive that?

Girls were a piece of cake.
It was the boy.

Every look on his face,

every stupid decision
he made- Mmm.

The way he sat there chewing
his food like an idiot.

Then it hit me why
this kid drove me so crazy-

He's me.

Well, all the more reason
she should listen to me.

I can stop her from
making the same mistakes.

Did you listen to your mother?
No. God, no.

But, you know, I had a reason.
That woman was a psycho control... freak.

[ Luke ] Hey, Mom, I
brought you some soda.

I couldn't find any straws, so
you'll have to drink it like cats.

Oh, thank you, Luke.

That's my sweetie.

I was going to bring you wine, but you
finished the big bottle last night.

Okay. Off you go.

Hold this,
will you, kid?

You know, Mitchell
used to caddie for me.

Of course, he spent most of
his time chasing butterflies.

You won't catch me doing that.
Good for you.

I'm terrified of them.
Huh.

Look at that.
That's a perfect shot.

And I hit that with a bent club.

So you're not worried about getting in trouble?
You know, with God?

Oh, I think he's got
bigger things on his plate.

So you're not
worried about hell?

Let me let you in on a little secret, kid.
There is no hell.

Seriously? No hell?

That's fantastic.

- So everyone just goes to heaven?
- Yep. End of story.

Even bad people? Yeah, they're-
they're- They're in another section.

See, they got
this thing figured out.

Can I hit this?

Damn it.
You distracted me.

- I didn't say anything.
- I could hear you thinking.

I'm thinking about this heaven of
yours that's full of bad people.

Not full.
The tiniest fraction.

- They're walled in.
- What if they break out?

They're surrounded
by a lake of fire.

There are fiery lakes
in heaven?

This is turning into hell.

Tell me about it.

What are you doing?

Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes, so...
I'm breaking dishes.

No, not my frog.
I know you think it's tacky,

but I happen to have won this at my first
4-H summer camp in a hollerin' contest.

Well, we wouldn't have to break
anything if you were a better liar.

If you're trying to make me feel bad
about not being as good a liar as you-

- What are you doing?
- A hat rack fell through the window. Remember?

One, two, three-

[ Glass Shatters]

Mitchell, wait.

I-I- I can't do this.
I quit.

You might be comfortable with
all this lying, but I'm not.

Oh, please.
Where was all this conscience...

when I got us into the first-class
lounge at the airport...

and you chewed
Angela Lansbury's ear off?

You know what you are?
You're like a mob wife.

You look down at me and my ways,

but you're happy to wear the mink coat
that fell off the back of the truck.

[ Doorbell Rings]
How dare you.

[ Softly]
Okay.

- [ Gasps]
- I know. I know.

It really hit us bad.

No. I'm just always surprised
how small this place is.

Pepper, you didn't have to leave
your party to come check on us.

Great costume,
by the way.

This isn't my costume.
I just threw this on to help you clean up.

[ Mutters ]
Well, about your party-

Oh, don't worry about canceling.

At least you have an excuse,
unlike Steven and Stefan.

They said they had the flu.

Meantime, I just saw them out
riding their bicycle.

Oh, Pepper,
that is horrible.

I-I'm gonna
make you a cocktail.

Oh, honey, don't go to any trouble.
I'll just have a Kir Royale.

I mean, my God. If they didn't want
to come to my party, just say it.

I'm a big boy.
I can take it.

Well, since you
brought it up, Pepper,

we didn't want to come
to your party either.

- What?
- Oh, you know we love you.

But they've just gotten to be
so much work over the years, and- [ Sighs]

We're all out of cassis.

- I can't bear it.
- I will make you a Bellini.

[Wheezes ]
Everybody canceled on me.

And now you two.

For 15 years, I have killed myself
setting a community standard...

with my fanciful
themed brunches,

mounted at great
personal expense.

Well, clearly I've been a fool.

No one likes
your brunches, Pepper.

No one likes you.

You're gonna die alone...

in a quaint Spanish revival
outside of Palm Springs.

Or La Quinta.

[ Sobbing ]

I told him.
Yeah.

Yeah,
I puzzled that out.

[Sobbing Continues]

I just don't understand
this bad section of heaven.

What if they send you
to the wrong place?

They make mistakes
with paperwork sometimes.

I was put in a girl's
health class last year...

and had to watch a very disturbing movie.
Calm down.

Instead of thinking all morning about
what heaven's gonna look like,

what it's not gonna
look like, who's where,

if there even is a heaven,

why don't we just concentrate on this beautiful,
carefree day that's in front of us?

I'd rather concentrate
on something you just said.

There might not even be a heaven?
I don't know.

You seemed pretty sure
of yourself this morning.

So what happens after you die?
There's just nothing?

Look. You're focusing too much
on one little thing that I said.

It was just a hunch, okay?

A hunch? I'm skipping
church based on a hunch?

- [ Wheezes ]
- All right, all right. Don't freak out on me, kid.

[ Hyperventilating ] You're playing
pretty fast and loose with my soul.

Listen. I want you to forget
everything that I said, okay?

Some things
can't be forgotten, Jay.

Do you know what menstruation is?
Because I do.

Perfect.

- Hey-
- What-what are you doing?

Aren't you supposed to be getting Mom out
of the bathroom? That is what I was doing.

That is what I was doing.
This ca- This cabinet was the problem.

- How?
- Yeah, it's very heavy.

And because it was properly anchored to
the wall, it was sort of a ripple effect.

It was pulling
part of the floor down...

and then pushing part of the floor
up, causing the bathroom door-

Please don't tell on me.

[ Sobbing ]
I don't know who I am any more.

Who am I?

I'm a joke, that's who.

No.
No.

You're not a joke.

You're Pepper Saltzman.

I think I'd better just go.

If anything terrible
should happen,

don't feel an obligation
to attend my memorial,

New York or L.A.

Pepper. Pepper, you- you
didn't let me finish.

The reason we didn't want
to come to your party is-

Mitchell-

Seriously?

Who's a mob wife?
I'm a mob wife.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you.

I'm a mob wife.

- Okay, um, Pepper, this is a little embarrassing.
- I don't even want to hear it.

Cameron still
has feelings for you.

- Go on.
- Yeah, and it's just- it's very hard for him...

to be around you,

especially at
your magical brunches,

where you're just-
you're- you're so magnetic.

And then I see the way
that he looks at you, and-

Damn it, Pep- It just makes
me so mad that I could just-

- Oh!
- Really?

Oh, you don't know
the pain, Cam.

Oh, boys- Boys, I can't stand
that I'm coming between you.

Not that I'm surprised.
[ Sighs ]

I admit I have noticed the stolen
glances and the yearning in your eyes.

Okay. Well, you'll-
you'll forgive us, Pepper,

if we sit out
your next few brunches?

Absolutely.

[ Sighs ]
I would hate to lose you two.

I've always thought of you as
being like my-

Sons?
Sons?

Sons?

I was gonna say brothers.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Crying ]
it's like a house of pain.

[ Sobbing ]

All right, Claire.
You ready? Okay, ready?

I'm ready. Okay, go.
All right, I'm going.

All right. Go! Okay, go. Go! Go!

Oh, got it! Got it!
Oh!

It's moving! It did! All right.
All right. We got it.

Thank God. Oh, thank God.
Thank God. Thank God. Go.

Phil? Phil?

Honey-
Phil, where are you? Phil-

Are you kidding me?
Not the-

Phil!

Phil!
Hey.

What happened to you?
You disappeared for 20 minutes.

We just had to break ourselves
out of that bathroom.

I am so happy to see you. Get in here.
Oh, no. No, no. Seriously.

What happened?

Dad was incredible.

He was running around here,
turning off the gas line,

cleaning up broken glass and taking
care of Luke after he ran into a wall.

I got scared because
the cabinet didn't fall down.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Um- [ Groans ] I'm sorry.

Well, don't worry about it.
Um, I'm sorry.

Don't. [ Chuckling ] I was so nervous.
I freaked out.

It's all right.
It's all right.

I think it was a little bit
of a rough morning. Yes.

Wasn't it?
Yes, it was.

I don't know about you guys, but I
just wanna relax and put my feet up.

[Alex Clears Throat] At the
Museum of Tolerance. Who's in?

I am! You are. Okay.
Let's do it.

[ Jay ] There's nothing
mystical about an earthquake.

Pressure builds,
and it's released

[ No Audible Dialogue]

And you just hope
there 1; not foo much damage.

But it makes you realize what matters.
And for me, that's my family.

- I'll put in a good word for you.
- You're the best, kid.

My family and golf.

[Laughs]

Well, if heaven's in the sky,
what do you walk on?

Manny, don't be ridiculous.
The clouds.

That makes no sense. Clouds are air.
You'd fall right through them.

The clouds in heaven-
they're like trampolines.

I don't like trampolines.
They make me seasick.

Manny, stop worrying.
Heaven is a beautiful place...

with sunshine and rainbows
and butterflies.

- Butterflies?
- Ay No, no, no, no, no.

Ah! I didn't say butterflies.
[Crying]

Manny, there's no butterflies!

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